Nadim Ali – MARRIAGE A PRISON OR A PRISM
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Indeed, all praise belongs to Allah the most
high. We thank him, and we seek his
aid, and we seek his forgiveness.
We seek refuge with him from the evil
of ourselves and from our bad actions.
Whoever law guides them, there is no one
who can mislead him. And whoever law causes
to go astray,
there is no one to guide him.
I bear witness we bear witness that there
is no deity except Allah who is unique
and without partners, and I bear witness that
Mohammed is his worshipper and his messenger. May
the peace and blessings of Allah be upon
him and his family and his companions
and thus you follow them with good intentions
until the day of judgment.
All you who believe, fear Allah as he
should be feared, and don't die except as
Muslims. Again, all you who believe, fear Allah
as he should be feared, and don't die
except as Muslims.
Let mankind be careful of your duty to
your lab who created you from a single
soul and from it created its mate, and
from the 2 of them, he spread forth
many men and women.
Be careful of your duty to Allah whom
you demand your mutual rights, and be careful
of your duty to the wounds that bore
you indeed. Indeed. Allah is
over
you. All you who believe, fear Allah, and
always speak the truth. He will cause your
deeds to be beneficial,
and he will forgive for you your sins.
And whoever obeys Allah and his messenger, then
he has truly achieved
a tremendous accomplishment.
Indeed, the best speech is the book of
Allah, and the best guidance is the guidance
of Muhammad sallallahuilhi
was summoned in the most evil of all
affairs,
a newly invaded matters which has no precedence
in Islam. And indeed, all innovations are astray,
and each astray is in the hellfire. Oh,
Allah.
Save us from it.
Oh, Allah.
Except our du'a.
And when we look at
just the words in the Qutbaha Hadjah,
that would be enough
for just Juma
if we were to just
follow,
those particular words that Allah has given us.
Just as the the great imam said that
if
only Surat Asa was revealed, then that would
be enough.
That would be enough for us to just
follow. And that's how much we're not following
the dictates and the commands that Allah has
given us, not only in the Quran, but
also through the Hadith
that has been transmitted by the righteous,
you know, from the prophet sallallahu alaihi wa
sallam.
So indeed,
you know, we as was mentioned,
previous weeks, when with with by Sheikh Khalifa,
talked about not practicing Islam about but internalizing
the Islam and not just, you know, practice.
That means you're actor. You're rehearsing.
But we want to have a realistic view
of what Islam is.
And today, just want to talk about
the importance of relationships. As you know, in
in my vocation,
I work as a counselor, and I work
dealing with people with individual issues, but also
couples issues. And so,
it pains me to see people
trying to work to stay together.
Working stays together. Work can be laborious.
And,
you know, I use the analogy of working
for something or investing in something.
And so when we get married, it should
be more of an investment than laborious in
work.
And so you're investing in what? You're investing
in your hereafter. You're investing in your akara
And how we participate
in a marriage
can impact
future generations. It can impact our children. It
can impact our grandchildren, and it can impact
our great grandchildren.
So we have to basically be cognizant of
that.
We have to be of those who are
working to
dwell together
dwell together in in in in in in
peace and tranquility and not
in hostility.
As Allah says and his signs is that
he created you from yourselves
mates
that you may find tranquility in them. He
placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed, in
that, are signs for people who give thought.
Placing upon you mates that you may try
to find tranquility in them. Tranquility, the sakina.
And we have to
basically seek that when we are seeking marriage.
You know, because a lot of times, you
know, I ask somebody, you know, how long
have they been married,
whether it's a male or female.
I've been down 10 years. I've been down
20 years. They sound like they've been in
jail.
Sound like they've been in jail. How long
you've been down?
You know? And so we have to look
at the fact that are we
in a prison,
or are we in a prison?
And we look
at the whole thing of a prison. It's
an institution for the confinement of persons who
have been reminded
or held in custody by the judicial system,
who have been basically convicted of a crime.
It's an institution.
I remember
wife's gonna come and get in trouble for
this.
Her wife asked me, did you love me?
And, I said, baby, I am committed to
you. And she said, what am I? An
institution?
And
years later, she came back and, she because
she she came back and said,
I understand what you meant when you said
that.
Because I always talk about my 4 legs
of love, and one of them being commitment,
intimacy, friendship, and trust.
And so a lot of
times, you have people who can love each
other and they engage in so much wrong.
And you have people who are not committed
to one another.
The most horrible thing I've seen I've worked
with a lady who,
was engaged to be married, and then she
got diagnosed
with a debilitating disease, multiple sclerosis. And her
fiance,
he broke off the engagement. He wasn't committed
to her. He loved her, but he wasn't
committed to her. He was attracted to her,
but he wasn't committed to her.
You know, so we have to have that
commitment
and it's not being committed to an institution.
Like I said, it's an investment.
You're investing in your hereafter,
a prism.
An object such as a glass
or transparent object
in prism form, especially one that's triangular
with refracting
surfaces
at an acute angle
with each other and that separates
white lights into a spectrum of colors.
And so I like using that analogy
because you you you you focus one light
in one side of the prism and you
get multiple
lights on the other side of the prism.
Just like marriage, when you focus on having
a healthy marriage,
you get not only that healthy relationship, but
you also get healthy children, healthy grandchildren, and
healthy great grandchildren,
inshallah.
That's the principle that we need to work
towards when we're wanting to establish
a a healthy marriage. We have to be
of those who are
investing in ourselves
on a day to day basis
a day to day basis. And a lot
of times as men, especially as Muslim men,
we'll read
the the Hadith in the Quran, we think
it only applies to the sisters,
but it applies to all of us. It
applies to all of us.
You know? Again, we must,
you know, ask ourselves in marriage, do we
want that prism or prism? And and again,
if you're married, what what are you in?
You have a prism where you basically you
step you you touch that door and you
and you feel a sense of tranquility?
Or do you touch that door and you
say, oh, no. What's gonna happen next on
the other side of that door?
And so so we have to basically invest
in one another.
We have to be able to invest in
one another. We we have to have that
union and establish peaceful coexistence.
And again,
if we don't work on ourselves,
we can't be in a
the point feels that we're ready for marriage.
We should basically invest in ourselves and and
and get ourselves to the point when we're
ready for marriage, when we're ready for marriage.
You know, I did a talk many years
ago and said that marriage is half our
deen. What about the other half? What about
the other half? You know, and I'll get
people,
you know, 2 2 2 steps away from
being homeless trying to get married.
And, you know, and then I that's I
get calls all the time. Oh, you know,
if I'm at the mouth, can we get
married after Isha?
And I said, no. We do premarital counseling.
We want to see
to get married. If if if if if
it's an ideal for the where's that in
the Quran and the Hadid? We have to
contemporize
our deen.
We're not living in the desert in a
in a in a village.
You know, many of us
come from dysfunctional
backgrounds, and so we have to
basically
detox from the dysfunctionality.
We have to get that out of our
systems and and be able to to look
at how the prophet, peace be upon him,
and how his companions how they dealt with
their mates.
We have to have peaceful coexistence.
If we can't establish peaceful coexistence, then then
again we need to move on.
Again, if we don't feel as though we
are ready for marriage, even if you get
into a marriage prematurely, we have to. Allah
has given us,
opportunities for for moving on.
And you'll see the hadith where of all
the things Allah made lawful,
he made divorce. He he dislikes divorce, and
that's a weak hadith.
Weak Hadith.
When we look at the Hadith when the
prophet, peace be upon the people, the men
will come to me. I'm not happy with
my wife. Divorce.
The women will come. I'm not happy with
my husband. Then they've asked him. You know?
This one sister said, you know,
you could, you ready to give the garden
back?
And she said, yeah. I can do that.
I don't I don't have any problems with
this dean. I just don't want to be
married to him. And so he didn't trip.
He didn't take people through extraneous things to
end the marriage. And so, again, I'd rather,
you know, people move on and be happy
with someone else. And a lot of times,
people say, we're just together for the kids.
And the kids upstairs praying, oh, Allah, let
them get a divorce.
Because you can be divorced and healthily co
parent your children.
That's the key.
Co parent. Develop a co parenting relationship.
Again, we have to ask ourselves, do we
want a prison or a prison?
Just work towards that happy union or or
content union.
And when we look at the the types
of divorce in Islam, the talaq,
that's the
way that a man can initiate a dissolution
of a union.
That's only the male can do that.
And then the hola, which is translated, is
not translated necessarily into divorce, but it's an
annulment of the marriage.
But the woman has to give the the
the diary back. And if the man doesn't
want it back, then,
They can do that.
And the one thing that's the the fasq,
and that's a form of divorce in a
Muslim country
or or where there's a a judiciary set
up where they can mediate between couples about
marriage, they can determine
a marriage. You know, the one of the
centers that we have, the Center For Islamic
Counseling and Guidance,
you know, they will, basically facilitate that in
many instances, specifically when people are, you know,
international, when people are here locally
and and and, and
the the the mate the other mate is
somewhere else. But that is can be initiated
by either the husband or the wife. They
can seek, the judiciary's
permission to end the marriage. And those are
some of some of the three ways
of of of ending a marriage.
And
and I understand people
want to be married. And and it is
my belief based on the experience that I've
dealt with in dealing with couples. It's better
to be alone
than than be in a miserable marriage.
Because being alone is not being lonely.
You know? And so, you know, again, loneliness
is a condition. Again, you can be in
a in a room full of people
and and be lonely.
Alone is a choice.
The prophet, peace be upon him, he used
to go to the cave and and meditate,
be alone
to basically, you know, develop himself spiritually.
You know, when we are standing up for
prayer at night, we are alone with our
lord.
So loneliness is is a difference. Sometimes people
get married
for loneliness,
and that's an unhealthy reason.
You have to be full in yourself. I
always tell people that, you know, I don't
believe in 2 halves coming together making a
whole.
I believe in 2 whole people coming together
making synergy.
If I've said anything that's inconsistent with what
Allah has given us and the prophet, peace
be upon him, has taught us to take
full responsibility for that, if I've said anything
in which you have gained some new insight,
as always, our praise belongs to Allah.
Allah.
Oh, Allah sing peace and blessings upon his
beloved prophet, his family, and his companions,
and increase his honor and heavenly distation, and
grant him the highest place in paradise, and
bless him with your divine mercy. And, oh,
Allah, bless us with his intercession on the
day of judgment, and forgive our sins. Ameen.
Again,
we want to seek marriage for righteousness.
Seek marriage for righteousness.
Some of the scholars, they didn't marry. Some
of the,
companions, they didn't marry. But, again, the sooner
it is to get married, Ibn Tamir. He
had a simple life.
Most of his which was dedicated to learning,
writing,
and and teaching.
You know, he did as it reported, he
didn't marry and didn't have a female companion.
And so, again but his life was full
to the point that we still talk about
him to this day.
And mister ibn Malik radiAllahu anhu narrated what
the prophet
said.
I pray and sleep. I fast
and break my fast, and I marry women.
He who is displeased with my sunnah
is not from us
and not following my way, mister Sahih Hadith.
The jurors stated that, again, marriage is a
sooner and is better
than super super arbitrary acts of worship
and that those who fear committing sin or
fornication must get married. Moreover,
marriage is one of the causes of righteousness.
And, again, if you're not able to control
your nuffs,
you're married. But work to develop
a healthy union after marriage.
Don't just
get married just for one thing.
If you can wait, it's better
than marrying
prematurely or impulsively.
You know what Sheikh
Mohammed
talks about,
he talks about the the the the the
halal duty calls or the drive by marriages.
We have to stay away from that. We
have to work to get ourselves ready for
marriage. I did talk many years ago. I
talked about would you marry you?
Would you marry you? Looking in the mirror,
knowing everybody
knows their deepest, darkest secrets. Would you marry
you? And when you're ready to marry you,
then you're ready to get married.
If you're not ready to marry you, you
didn't. You're not ready to get married.
You know? If if you can wait,
it's better. Otherwise, it's a recipe for disaster
because you have Muslims who are married in
double digits.
Double digits because they're marrying impulsively and not
getting to know people. We have to seek
to marriage for righteousness.
Marry for righteousness.
He said from the prophet, sallallahu alaihi wasalam,
a woman may be married for 4 things,
her wealth, her lineage, her beauty, and her
religious commitment. Seek the one who is religiously
committed.
May your hands or may your hands be
rubbed with dust
that you may prosper.
And, again, looking at this hadith,
is this the
women should be married for religious commitment
or or the man also? So, again, when
we look at the hadith, we have to
look at what the scholars are saying. We
don't just take the hadith on face value.
We both have to have that level of
religious commitment.
You know, you'll get people I wanna get
married so I can get myself together. Get
yourself together before marriage.
Get yourself together before marriage. Don't try to
use
somebody,
you know, to get married.
The hadith just just doesn't apply to women.
The prophet
said, whoever whoever
Allah has blessed
him with the righteous wife, then Allah has
certainly assisted him to fulfill
half his religion, so he should fear Allah
in the remaining half. Again, that had that
hadith is not just for women. Righteous husband
also. You need to be a righteous husband.
You know? You can't just be an unrighteous
person hoping to marry righteously to to clean
yourself up.
Otherwise,
are you taking a mate
or are you taking a hostage?
So, again, marriage,
is it is is it a prism or
a prism?
And we have to work. Those who are
not married, especially the young among us, brothers
and sisters,
get yourself together.
Get yourself together financially,
emotionally,
spiritually.
There's
a
scholar on marital relations. His name is,
Terrence Real. He talked about
the
the the quadrants
for intimacy intimacy.
And once one, counselor, he took broke the
word intimacy down into intimacy.
And so when you're in a marriage or
in union,
you know, you wanna look deeply into one
another, and that's how you grow.
He said you wanna
have emotional connection,
intellectual
connection,
physical connection,
spiritual connection, as well as a sexual connection.
These are, again, the 5 quadrants.
And then you might say,
this guy, Terrence Riel, he not he not
he not a scholar.
He's not a scholar. He that's not Quran
or Hadith.
You know, again,
we have to remember
that Allah, he is in control of all
things. And
according to the prophet, if the information is
valid, if it's based on research,
then it's ours. It's our property.
He said about wisdom, for instance. He said
that the statement of wisdom is the lost
property
of the believer.
So wherever he finds it, then he is
more deserving of it. So if his factual
knowledge is based on facts,
wisdom that we can use, that's ours. It
belongs to us.
As long as it's not inconsistent with what
Allah has given us, brothers and sisters, in
contemporary times, we have to adjust
to the deen to fit these times as
long as we don't, again, don't practice the
shirk.
We can benefit from the varying sources of
knowledge, the varying sources of knowledge.
And many of us are descendants of slaves.
We've just been able to become full human
beings in the last 50, 60 years or
so. We're still trying to
basically
attain our full rights. We're not only some
of us are descendants of slaves and some
of us are slaves to our culture.
Even we have to work on getting rid
of
dysfunctionality,
intergenerational
dysfunctionality.
We have to basically participate
in in marriage in a healthy way because,
again, we can impact several generations.
I've read a letter and he reported that
the messenger of Allah sallallahu alaihi wa sallam
says, when a human being dies, his deeds
end except for 3, ongoing charity,
beneficial knowledge,
or a rice righteous child
who prays for him. A righteous child who
prays for him.
And brothers and sisters, we have to
recognize that
they didn't sing,
leaving behind a husband or a wife,
deeds, charity,
beneficial knowledge,
or a righteous child who prays for them.
And so we want to facilitate
righteousness in our children,
our grandchildren,
and our great grandchildren
so that,
you know, they'll be praying for us. And
as they're praying for us in our graves,
it's like watering a plant.
It's like basically nurturing a plant.
So we have to get ourselves to the
point
where we can
form a union
so that that union can produce something more
positive.
Our lord, take us not to task if
we forget or fall into error.
Our lord, lay down on us a burden
such as you did lay on those who
have gone before us. Our lord, lay down
on us a burden which we do not
have the thought to bear. Overlook our thoughts
and forgive us. Have mercy on us. You
are our protector and grant us the victory
over the disbelieving people.