Mustafa Khattab – Why Divorce Happens
AI: Summary ©
AI: Transcript ©
So today, inshallah, we'll talk about this very
important topic,
which is the Muslim family.
And,
we're told
in Islamic literature that the Muslim family
is the center of the Islamic community. And
this is why it is important
for the person to find the right person
to marry, so together, they can establish
a good Muslim family.
Allah has put a lot of bad wives
in the Quran
and also in the sunnah of the prophet
so,
the husband and wife can live together in
happiness and in peace and in in love.
And, also,
these guidelines will protect the marriage and to
reduce
the, the things that eventually lead to divorce.
Throughout the last
8, 9 years, through my work as an
imam,
And,
today, Shaul, I'm gonna share with you the
top six reasons
why,
the relationships when marriage ends in divorce.
We know that, Islamically,
that all the laws in Islam are geared
toward protecting the Muslim family and protecting the
marriage. We know that in
Also, we know in sharia if someone divorces
their wife and they are very mad at
the time of the divorce, most of the
olamas say this doesn't count as a divorce.
Also, we know in sharia if someone divorces
his wife 3 times in one sitting, it
counts as 1 according
to many of the, fukharat.
Also, if someone divorces his wife during her
monthly cycle or after childbirth, during the bleeding
for 40 days,
many scholars say this doesn't count, and so
on and so forth. So these hakal are
there to protect the marriage because we know
that, for example, you're in the monthly cycle
that there's no interest in some cases in
the wife, and the the wife is not
psychologically
stable, and this side is emotionally stable. So
she may say something or do something, and
the husband will be mad and divorce will
happen. So Allah's kind of kinda wants to
close his door. Right?
So the 6 things that we always keep
in mind
when you look for a wife, a lady
to marry, or for the sister to look
for a husband to marry, someone is proposing
to your daughter or your sister, Alhamdulillah, you
can think of the things I'm going to
to say today. If you're already
married,
always keep these points in your mind because
they are very important. The 6 points are
I call them the the dean factor,
then the chemistry factor,
the Oscars
factor,
the citizenship factor,
and number 5,
what I call the inter religious factor, and
number 6, the inter relatives factor.
These are the six reasons why the forces
happen. The top 6.
The first one is deen. We are called
repeatedly,
in the Hadith of the prophet
4, the fact that they are practicing their
faith for their faith. Right? Then the prophet
says,
always look for the one with the faith.
And I'm not asking you to bury the,
the idealist person right out there. Right?
And the Hadith of the prophet
also applies to men. You can also say
that men
are being married for more reasons. So women
also look at these more things. They want
to marry someone who is good looking, someone
from a good family, someone who is wealthy,
but this also applies for the sisters as
well. Look for a husband who is practicing
the Din. Right? So, the Din should always
be there. There's nothing wrong with marrying the
most beautiful woman, the most gorgeous woman in
town,
or the wealthiest man in town, or the
most, good looking person in town, or the
person from the best paddling town, as long
as the person is practicing.
Right. So religion or the fact that the
person is pras practicing has to be there
in in the relationship.
Saul Al Rahman say,
all these things, the beauty, the wealth, the
status are very important, but the religion is
the most important thing. And he says, for
example,
he had a board in front of him,
and he says,
if religion is 1, he puts 1 to
the left,
then you have beauty put a 0 to
this right, this makes it 10.
If you talk about wealth, you put another
0, it makes it a 100. And if
we talk about status or, the family status
put another 0, you have a 1,000.
So if the lady is beautiful and she's
from a rich family, she has good indication,
but she's not wealthy, take out a 0,
you are left with a 100.
Or if the person is beautiful from a
rich family,
but,
they don't have a good indication, why don't
you take a 0? You are left with
another 100. And if you remove all the
zeros,
she's only practicing
Masha'Allah, but she's not very beautiful, she's not
from a very,
high family society, then at least you're left
with 1.
But he said, if you remove a 1
at the beginning, you're left with, which is
a religion.
If you're left with 3 zeros, you're left
with nothing. Three zeros won't mean anything. So
this is what he said.
The Khazar Al Basir
says, a man came to him and he
said, there are 3 people who are proposing
to my normal marriage.
One of them is rich, one is from
a very good family, and the third one
is practicing, but he doesn't have enough money.
So he says,
marry her to the one who's practicing their
faith, the one who knows a lot, the
one who has haya from Allah. If he
lost her, he will honor her.
But if some reason for some reason he
starts to hate her, he will not be
unjust to her. You see? Because he has
khayah from Allah, so he would have khayah
from your door. So this is what we
mean by someone who's practicing the faith.
When we say someone who's practicing the faith,
we don't mean someone who has a PhD
in Islamic studies, a kabir kajal, all these
things. No. We
That's all we want from the person. Someone
who practices Islam, who prays and fast, but
someone who also is good to people and
generous and and and honors people and so
on and so forth. So this is what
we mean by someone who's practicing.
The Sahaba of Islam is like he did
something very beautiful, and we miss it these
days.
And and by this, we mean when they
offer
the righteous children for righteous people to marry.
There's nothing wrong with Islamically.
If you go to a broad Indian community
and tell them, I see it all the
time in the masjid you are American Muslim.
Mashallah. You greet all the time.
Mashallah. You treat people nicely. I have a
door, and I want you to marry my
door. There's nothing wrong with this in Islam.
You will see it in the law of
Hadith and the
Hadith and the Hadith and the Tzari.
So the wife of Hasa, the daughter of
Omar Khattab alayhi, her husband passed away.
So he offered his daughter, Hazrat,
to,
to Abu to Asmael Alaiwal.
So Asmael Alaiwal said, will you please give
me a few days to think about it?
And this is a mufad.
Then he came back a few days later,
and he said,
Muhammad said I gave her to him, to
the prophet
in marriage.
Then Abu Bakr came to me and he
said,
I heard the prophet
mentioned that he was going to propose to
your daughter
and this is why I don't want to
share the secret of the prophet sallallahu alaihi
wa sallam with anyone.
If he was not interested in her, I
would have proposed to her and married her.
Okay? So this is something good to offer
your kids to someone that you know is
good and practicing. There's nothing wrong with this.
So the number one, the religion fact or
the deed fact.
The second one, the chemistry fact. When you
propose to someone to marry or someone is
proposing to your daughter or sister in marriage,
make sure that you have something in common
with the person you're going to marry, to
marry.
And I'm not talking about small things, like,
like personal choices and preferences in life. Because
you will not find 2 identical couples in
this whole world. Maybe the husband is vegetarian
and she's carnivore.
He is liberal and she's conservative and
she supports hockey. He supports soccer and all
these. I'm not talking about this. I'm talking
about the common grounds with Shoa. They know
their rights and obligations, haram and kala. And
their goal in life is to start a
Muslim family. And to get closer to Allah,
this is the goal and this is a
common ground that every Muslim family should have.
Right? For the marriage to survive and to
to to succeed.
So this is what we're talking about.
The religion has to be at the core
of the family.
We know the story of Abdullah Al Nawaz
el Anbu when he started to cry and
he was sitting with his wife and, when
she saw him crying, she started to cry
and she said, you know why you cry?
He said, well, I remember
the hellfire and I remembered the judgment and
I started to cry.
So he said, this is the reason why
I cried, but why did you cry after
you saw me crying? She said, I just
saw you cry and I started to cry.
Right? Just for the they they share the
feelings and the emotions. He didn't say anything,
but she felt like there was something that
was in his mind and something that was
bothering him, and she was sharing the feelings
and the emotions with him. Right? Some people
would just live
there together like like roommates in the family.
After they they have, like, 3 or 4
kids together, they start to look like roommates.
They don't talk. He stays out. And the
house for him is like a hotel.
Right? And some of the sisters when they
look at the brother, he's like, the money
man. He's just here because he provides for
us. And the brother, this is like a
hotel. I come here. I spend some time,
and I leave.
So this is why families,
fall apart.
This,
about,
if I'm going to propose to someone in
marriage, who should I marry? So he mentioned
the types of people that you should avoid
when you, plan to get married. The people
you don't have anything in common with them.
The people who don't share your your values.
The people who don't know are not easy
going. So he said,
the worst of all women to marry, the
one who publicizes
the bad about you,
and she will hide the good.
She is the one who will support the
difficulties of time against you, but she will
not support you against the difficulties of time.
If you come in, she will go out.
If you go out, she will come in.
If you cry, she will laugh. If you
laugh, she will cry.
Her kids are miserable.
Her house is filthy. She's always crying unjustly,
and she's always bearing witness to what she
has never seen, like false testimony. She claims
to be a eyewitness, but she's not there.
And she he's sad this is a miserable
soul. And the same applies
to brothers and sisters, okay,
in this case. So the second factor is
the chemistry.
I've seen some situations
where some of the families who live here,
because they don't want to marry their daughters
to someone from here, so they invite, of
course, their daughters who marry their cousin who's
living in a totally different culture. They don't
speak the language. They don't know anything about
Canada. Then they sponsor him and and he
comes here and eventually
the relationship will end in divorce. I've seen
so many cases.
There's nothing wrong if you marry your daughter
to someone that you know, but someone should
have something in common with your daughter when
you were son.
At least, inshallah, there is a guarantee
that they are on the same page and
the marriage will succeed.
The third reason
is what what I call the Oscar's fact.
Because, you know, some people are desperate to
get married, so they start to act before
they married and they propose to someone, and
they claim to be someone they are not.
Say for example, they don't pray, they don't
fast, they don't go to the Russian,
Right? So when they propose to the sister
and they do the background check,
then the guy is fainting. He doesn't pray.
Or the sister, she she she she's not
practicing and so on and so forth. Just
be yourself.
And I heard stories.
He told me he is from this family.
He has his degree from that school. And
after they got married, he can't even write
his name. Right?
These things, people are just fake or the
brother would tell his sister, Masha'Allah sister, after
we get married we'll be going to Mecca
for Hajj every Ramadan.
Every preschool kid knows that there's no Hajj
in Ramadan. But, anyways,
also she will tell him, oh masha'Allah brother,
and after we get married, then the the
the the the husband or the wife is
not up to the expectations because
they were not themselves before they got married.
I always remember
the story of, Musallam Alaihi Alaan. It's it's
authentic Hadid.
There's no one who can say no to
someone like you.
You know, every woman in the world would
love would be honored to marry you, but
I have 3 issues
about me, you know. So she's being very
frank about her herself.
She said,
I'm very jealous,
Zayul. I'm I have jealousy in my heart.
Right?
And I'm old
and I have children and I don't want
to bother you. Make things difficult for you.
So the prophet says ask for the jealousy
part. I will make duas so Allah will
remove it from your heart.
As for the age, I'm as old as
you are. And as for your children, they
are my kids.
So, eventually, she agreed and began there. But
she was honest about herself and about her
personality
with Karamazas.
So just be yourself. And if you have
an issue, if you have a shortcoming or
a defect,
just be frank about it. Yeah. I don't
go to the messianic ocean, you know. I
snore in my sleep when I have sleep
apnea, whatever. Just just be frank about it.
You're not the only one.
I know. 9, 8, 8, 5% of the
brothers snored that Right? So you're not the
only one. Just be frank. And the person,
inshallah, if they are true and they love
you, inshallah, I will help you. But just
be yourself. No surprises after marriage.
So this is the third one. So we
spoke about the dean factor, the chemistry factor,
the Oscars factor, and number 4, the citizenship
factor.
We read the papers and we know why
it's going back home. There are a lot
of financial problems,
economic problems, political problems, and corruption, and all
these things. A lot of people
believe me. There are millions.
There are things we take for granted here.
They are here living in this country, they
are enjoying freedoms and democracy. A A lot
of things we cannot enjoy back home and
this is the reason why many of us
came here.
There are thousands of people or actually millions
of people back home who would like to
be in your place here. Right?
Masha'Allah. Because Allah subhanahu wa'ala bless you with
something, you are able to practice your religion,
some people back home, they cannot even go
to the mansion and pray, they cannot grow
their beard, they cannot wear the hijab
in Muslim countries. But you have all these
things here, so they would like to come
here to enjoy all these things that we
take for granted and we're not grateful for.
1000
and 1000 every year in the in the
news,
they just jump in a boat just to
go to Europe, Italy, France, all these countries,
and
to hunt
for freedom and for the good opportunities we
have. Thousands of them die in the ocean
or in the sea. They die. They drown
and die. Right?
Some of them think, well, what I can
do, I can't do it the easy way.
I can just talk to a lady
on Facebook or something.
They are gullible back there. I can't just
start a relationship with her. She will sponsor
me and get married with us. Right? I'm
not saying that every marriage or interracial
racial racial marriage will end in divorce. There
are so many people who are married to
people from different cultures, from abroad, and the
marriages are very successful.
But make sure when you marry someone from
overseas
that the person is actually marrying them for
the right reasons.
In some cases, and I've seen so many
cases,
after they give their passport
or their PR or their citizenship,
bye bye. They give you passports.
So many cases. So make sure that you
are marrying the right person.
So this is number,
number 4.
Number 5, what I call the inter religious,
fact.
I've seen some Muslims, they get married to
non Muslims,
mostly Christians. And it's in a lot of
cases, the marriages are very successful.
But in some cases,
the brother, for example, is not practicing. He
doesn't go to the Masjid. He doesn't pray.
And the lady doesn't even go to the
church. She doesn't know where the church is.
But after they have kids,
Nabi starts to go to the masjid. He
takes his kids to the,
Saturday school. And now the lady is mad.
She wants her kid to go to the
church. And they have fights and have seen
some cases where the relationship will end their
divorce.
So, for some reason now, when there is
kids in their relationship,
they're gonna start to think about the future.
Okay. Why does he want to raise the
kids as Muslim?
This will be betrayal to the legacy and
the tradition of my family. This is how
people think. Right?
So always keep these things in mind and
we
have a lot of good sisters in the
community and very good brothers in the community.
And we know Islamically a Muslim brother is
allowed to marry a Muslim or a Christian
or Jew. And if every Muslim marries a
non Muslim baby, who is going to marry
our good Muslim sisters in the community? So
always keep this in your mind.
The last point. I know we can take
hours and hours to think about the reasons
why problems happen in the family and,
why,
marriages fall apart. But in show, I just
wanted to give you a flavor
of the reasons why
marriages, in some cases, end in divorce to
keep these things in your mind if you
plan for a marriage or someone's going to
go out to get married in a family.
The last reason for today, and this is
a very common reason, and I've seen it
in some cultures. Always families try to put
their nose in their relationship. So after, for
example,
the brother and the
sister,
get married, their families always interfere, and they
always put their nose in their relationship. And
they always put their nose in their relationship.
And they always put their nose in their
relationship. And they always put their nose in
their relationship. And they always put their nose
in their relationship. Their families always interfere and
they always put their nose in their relationship.
And they keep calling every day. Where did
he go? How much he paid monthly?
What did she cook?
Her cooking skills. All these things. Just leave
him alone.
When you are
their age, you didn't want people to bother
you. Right? Because Hamdunai are old enough, you
are intelligent enough, and you're human enough to
take care of your your lives.
Don't bother people. Everyone
has enough. Just just look at me. Right?
Enjoy their lives and handle their their lives
the way they want.
I remember one time,
one brother came to me with his wife.
Fear of vulnerable people. He said there's one
problem.
The relationship ended in divorce at the end.
He says she calls her mom back home
every 2 hours.
He did this. He said this. He gave
me the wicked look. What should I do?
Change the light change the diaper over the
phone. All these things.
And he said, oh, I used to go
to somewhere else for Mac to work and
he said,
because she was calling international making international calls,
he said,
100 of dollars are wasted every month. She's
calling every day. I said, well,
my family lives back home. I don't know
what to do. I'm calling my mother for
guidance all the time. Right?
I said, okay. There's nothing wrong if you
call your mom once or twice a week
or 3, 4 times a month. There's nothing
wrong, but not every 2 hours. This is
too much. Right?
If you make tea, call your mom. If
you go on egg, you call your mom.
And the brothers do the same thing. They're
always calling your mom or their dad just
for for advice.
Small things. Right? And they're saying that there's
an issue. Maybe you get someone wise from
the family or the imam or someone who's
knowledgeable to help. There's nothing wrong. But you
don't call them for small things.
So when this brother taught me about his
wife calling his mom, like,
every 2 minutes or 2 hours, and she
said that her brothers and sisters are doing
the same thing. They're always going to hit
mortars back home to give the orders, and
they start to think how does it look
like in your mom's home.
Every time they call, there must be an
answer machine that says, okay. I've reached your
mom's.
If your husband
if you're suffering and you're married, press 1.
If you can't blame for work, press 2.
If he doesn't give you all this money,
press 3. If you want to speak to
a representative,
press 0 to talk to your dad. It's
all this crazy.
Take care of your issues and don't get
anyone involved until unless there's something serious.
And, eventually,
if people love each other and people live
Islam and practice in Islam,
they know that they are here in this
life not to stay for just a short
visit. Right? We're here for a short period
of time. Eventually, we're not going to stay
because we don't belong here. This is what
the prophet says in the Hari. You are
here just as a traveler.
Eventually, inshallah, we'll make it to Jannah.
The best way to know how to deal
with your husband or wife, as I always
say,
the Mawadah al Rahma, which is the foundation
of a successful marriage.
This love and respect in the relationship,
the easiest way to achieve it is to
treat your wife the same way you like
your sister to be treated by a husband
and for the sister to treat your husband
the same way you like your brother to
be treated by his wife. This is fairness
and this is injustice. We ask the most
common of Allah to give us the best
in life in the best in the life
to come. And let's also