Mustafa Khattab – To Marry Or Not To Marry
AI: Summary ©
AI: Transcript ©
I bear witness that there is none worthy
of our worship except Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala.
And I bear witness that Muhammad salallahu alayhi
wa sallam is the seal of the prophets
and the final messenger
to all of humanity.
Whoever Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala guides, there is
none to misguide, and whoever Allah subhanahu wa
ta'ala leaves to stray, there is none to
guide. Alright?
So before we begin our Qutb'in Shaa Allah,
I would like to make a Dua for
our our brother Yusuf.
When you see the flowers as you come
in and the roses,
in the front yard and in the back,
This is all because of brother Yusuf, he
has been taking care of the roses and
the flowers, so we ask Allah Subhanahu Wa
Ta'ala to give him Barqa, to give him
a good health and a long and healthy
life. Ameen al-'Abdulabi.
So,
over the last few foot months we have
been talking about the concept of marriage
and the expectations in the marriage and what
what constitutes
a successful marriage in Islam.
So today inshaAllah,
I will talk about
what you should look for
in the marriage. As I mentioned before, the
prophet Hazalim said, look for someone who has
a team.
So we mentioned in the last Kabbalah that
people get married for different reasons. So people
look for beauty,
people look for money,
people look for status, and people look for
nadeen Someone who's practicing nadeen
Some people marry for the right reasons, and
some people marry for the wrong reasons And
especially living in Canada here, I've seen some
cases where someone would get married just because
they want to get their citizenship,
then once they get the citizenship, talaq, and
they leave the person so they marry for
the wrong reason.
So inshaAllah, we'll focus more today inshaAllah about
why marrying a person sahiv ad Din would
make your life easy.
So before I give the details, InshaAllah, usually
when people
look for someone to get married,
we classify them into 2 different groups.
Alafim and miztajir, someone who just wants to
get married,
they don't have any expectations in the marriage,
so they just want to get married, for
the good reason or the wrong reason.
But there are some people who are very
picky, and they set the standards very high.
They take so much time,
and they sit the standard is so high,
and SubhanAllah before they know it, they hit
40 or 45, and they are not married
yet, because the standards they set are so
high. And I've seen people firsthand, they come
to me, and they're looking for someone to
marry. Okay, so what are your expectations in
the marriage? Yeah, InshaAllah, I'm looking for a
sister who has Yaani, masters from Al Dasa
in Islamic Studies, who has Ijazah in Hafsa
and Aasim and Wash, and she knows 25,000
hadith and
Come on, man. You have to be practical,
you know? You're not looking for someone to
marry or looking for a prophet with an
MBIF. Right? So you have to be practical
when you look for someone to get married.
I'm being very practical here. Right?
And if you because I I I face
the problem all the time when people come
to look for someone to marry.
The person himself
is not practicing, they don't pray, and when
they come to me, I want someone like
Fatima radiAllahu anha. Mashallah
Tabamatillahi lai bisawaamatillahi, you know, she fasts all
the time and she prays and If you're
looking for someone like Fatima Radiallahu Anha, you
yourself have to be like Ali Radiallahu Anha.
You don't have to be as good.
Again, I'm being practical here. Right?
And and even families,
they they know that their son is a
loser. He doesn't pray, he smokes, he's he's
this, he's that. And when they come looking
for someone, you know, for the door for
for the son, they look for the best.
Well, why this is not fair? Yeah. I
mean, when you look for someone who's the
best for your son, although you know that
he's a sucker, he's a loser. Right? So
you'll have to be practical here. There's nothing
wrong if you look for someone who can
lift you up, not push you down,
but you have to be fair. Again, if
you're looking for someone who is practicing, you
yourself have to has to be good, and
you yourself have to be practicing the religion.
Right?
So
why do people get married? So we spoke
about their own reasons, the money, this, that,
and we spoke about the citizenship, and so
on and so forth. We know in Islam,
when you get married,
you complete the second half your faith.
From the prophet
that suggest
that when you get married, you complete the
second half of your faith, or you fulfill
the second half of your religious obligations.
And they're allowing me to explain this
because the prophet said in the Hadith,
there are 2 things that if you guarantee,
I will guarantee Jannah for you.
If you, guarantee,
your mouth
and your private parts that you will not
do anything haram with your private parts, or
you will not say anything haram, like shahazah
to Zor or Kaleb, and so on and
so forth, I guarantee Jannah for you. So
marriage takes half,
you know, Alayfa, and Chastevere, and so on
and so forth. So this is protected.
The second half is taking care of your
mouth. You don't say what is Haram, you
don't cheat, you don't lie, and so on
and so forth. So this explains
why the Prophet says, if you get married,
you complete the second half of your faith.
We have this common saying, at least in
my village in Egypt, if you marry 1,
you complete the second half of your faith,
if you marry 2, you lose all your
faith.
So you're not doing yourself a faith.
So when you get married, you complete your
faith, you find someone
that you can find comfort in, as Allah
says, kesurah Turum,
litas kulu ilayha, that you can find comfort
in them. You are working all day long,
2, 3 jobs, and running here and there,
and getting your PhD, and doing that and
this. Now you need someone to look after
you, to take care of you, someone you
can find comfort in, as Allah
says in in the Quran. Someone
who can help you get closer to Allah,
someone who can remind you of Allah
And I'm talking about men and women here.
So someone who brings you closer to Allah,
someone who reminds you of Allah
So
when they see you, they say, okay, did
you pray the ghoven?
Okay, let's go to the nash'ih. Make sure
you give your zakah. They remind you all
the time of Allah. Right? So there's this
positive energy in the house.
Let's go pray tarawiyah, let's go do Hajj
InshaAllah, we have enough money. So they remind
you of Allah, they bring you closer to
Allah. There is this positive energy in the
house.
There are some who remind you of Allah
but in a negative way.
Say for example, every time you see them,
you say, Hasbihullah El Mokki.
So they remind you of Allah but in
a negative way. You make Dua against them.
Or you are always they help you go
to the Masjid for Atikah, but just to
take shelter.
Or Surat Turayim, you go to your mom's
house all the time to take shelter there,
because you can't stay in your house, right?
So this is not positive, this is negative.
So they always remind you of Allah Subhanahu
Wa Ta'ala and they bring you closer to
Him.
Dua'il al salihim al Quran, Surah Al Filhan,
Wa Labina Habana
Hablana means Wajina Wa Dhura Yatinahu
Wa Ta'ala So the salihun they're righteous,
one of the great favors they always pray
to Allah for is to give them
spouses and children
who are righteous, and they become
the apple of their eyes, or the joy
of their eyes, because this is one of
the greatest damah of Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala.
Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala mentions,
when he talks about Ibrahim Alaihi Salam, that
Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala honored him in Duniya
by giving him a good wife and good
children, like Ismail and Isha. This is listed
as one of the favors of Allah Subhanahu
Wa Ta'ala.
You look for someone
who will be your your biggest helper in
dunya,
So the wife is described in the Quran
as Sahibah, companion
in Dunya and Akhra, because she will accompany
you, she will be your companion in Dunya
and Akhra.
Uh-oh. When I say this, that your wife
would be in Jannah, some brothers are very
disappointed.
They say, Oh, man. I I thought once
I die, I'll be free. No. She is
going with you. So these are not my
words. These are the words of Allah
So it's a lifetime.
It's a lifetime relationship and commitment, and this
is why Allah
calls it, this commitment of marriage,
Allah calls it a tremendous commitment.
Tremendous.
So we have to keep these things in
perspective when you look for a marriage or
you have a son or daughter who's getting
married. Keep these things in in in your
mind when you do that insha'Allah.
So very quickly
so if I look for someone with Deen,
someone who's practicing the faith, so how does
that help me?
So I'm gonna touch on 3 things, 3
benefits that you get from marrying someone who's
practicing the Deen.
Number 1, the priorities in the House will
be put in order,
and the rights and obligations will be fulfilled,
and you will guarantee honesty. Because as I
said before, if someone has fear of Allah,
if someone has respect for Allah, they will
have respect for you. And if someone does
not have,
respect for Allah, they will have no respect
for you. Zero respect for you.
So with regards to the priorities,
Allahuwwiyat
Because as I said before, people always come
to me for counseling before, you know, marriage,
and when they get married, and and when
they come for tahat, and so on and
so forth.
When you marry someone's Sahib id Din, you
don't have to worry about being priorities.
So for example, one brother came to me,
he wanted to marry a lady,
and she said, I would marry you but
one condition, no kids.
So, what kind of marriage is this? Like,
you don't make such, you know, such,
condition unless you have a serious medical condition,
for example. But I don't like to have
kids in the house, they will ruin my
life, and so on and so forth, and
my shape and figure, you know? You know,
when I nurse them, I'm gonna lose my
shape, and and so on and so forth.
This is nonsense. So you don't have to
worry about this, you don't have to waste
your time convincing,
your wife or your husband that having a
kid or some kids in the house is,
you know, is a good idea.
You don't have to talk about halal kham
in the house. You don't have to talk
about,
riban. You don't have to talk about why
salah is farit. Like, you ask him, okay,
let's go pray or do this, why?
I mean, this will never be a question
if you marry someone who knows Haram and
Haram, and someone who knows
the priorities and the ulawiyat in Islam.
We know that when you marry someone for
the right reason, and they have the good
Adam and the Khlaq of Islam, and they
are practicing,
money is never an issue. Even if you
are making very little,
this should be enough Alhamdulillah.
There's nothing wrong if if you'd like to
have a big house, a nice car, a
big salary. There's got nothing wrong. As we
mentioned before, more than half of the 10
Sahaba of Middle News of Jannah and Mubasharim
of Jannah, they were millionaires. There's nothing wrong.
But if Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala makes it
tight for you, then the house will not
collapse because you are there to help each
other. So I hear stories when, like, people
come to me, they are fighting
on who will take child support,
To the point of divorce.
This is the risk that Allah
is giving you. It should go to the
fund that belongs to everyone in the house.
You pay for the kids, you pay for
education, food, shopping, everything. It's for everyone. Let's
put it this way, it's for everyone.
Oh, but I wanna take it all, I
wanna keep it to myself, and so people
fight over this.
As people fight over money, and people try
to live beyond their means, they force their
spouse
to buy a house that is beyond their
needs and beyond their,
their, you know, whatever they can afford, and
and this is why people have problems and
issues in the house.
When people materialize their marriage, and when marriage
becomes materialistic,
you expect that something some terrible things will
happen. One time, I remember I was invited
to officiate a marriage,
not in Ontario, but somewhere else. So I
went there,
so Masha'Allah, the the Waleemah was big, like,
they invited everyone in town, like, they had,
like, 10,000 people there, they invited.
And they spent so much money on food
and expenses and this and that and SubhanAllah.
So
I remember after a week they called me.
So I knew the brother, the, you know,
the father of the groom, and, you know,
I said, Okay, Masha'Allah, is the other one
getting married? He says, No, we have to
lock for the first one.
I said, why? It has only been a
week. I said, they disagreed
on the expenses of the wedding, who is
going to pay what? So they decided to,
separate. Right?
So the prophet
says, if, you know, if you're economical,
you give what it takes, you do everything,
you know, you do the basics, then Allah
Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala will put Barakah in there.
But if if you push people to the
limit, and you make them live beyond their
means, or or they do something they cannot
afford, and you start your your life by
borrowing or, you know, asking people to give
you money or taking money on rebal from
the bank. How how can you start your
life like this?
So try to do the basics, and you
grow with your wife, and you can buy
the TV, you can buy whatever you want.
Right? But start simple, then you can grow
together. Alhamdulillah. So the priorities will be put
in order. We'll start a good family, we
love each other, we live together in this
Punya, and after inshallah we'll go to Jannah
together. The second thing, the rights and the
obligations.
You learn how to fight over your rights
and obligations. Often time when people come for
counseling,
you know, they say that, you know, he
takes his rights, or she takes her rights,
but when it comes to the obligations, they
don't care. So Islam is all about fairness.
You take your rights, and you fulfill your
obligations.
It's only it's not only about
taking.
It's, you know, you have to him as
well. Right?
So zawaj or marriage is about sharing, about
caring. You know, we are into all of
this together.
So you have rights and you have obligations.
And Islam is very fair, Islam gives rights,
but you are also obliged to fulfill your
obligations. I remember one time,
this brother
from Edmonton,
you know, he said, you know,
he came to complain. I said, what's the
problem? He said, you know,
I married his sister because, you know, I
was, you know, desperate to come to Canada,
and she helped with, you know, she sponsored
me and I came here. But now she
has no respect for me. One time I
called her,
and they said, you know, my my parents
are coming, you know, coming over, you know,
he he sponsored his family later. He said
his parents are coming to have dinner with
us, and she said, honey, sorry, I'm in
Toronto.
Like, he didn't know
that she was traveling to Toronto.
Right? So he was calling her, okay, Inshallah
tonight, my parents are coming over. Oh, sorry.
I'm in Toronto. I took a flight, like,
7 hours ago, and I'm I'm in Toronto
now. I can't make it. When are you
coming back up? Maybe a week or so,
you know.
How can you start a family like this?
So you have to
keep each other in the loop,
care about each other, take your rights, and
fulfill your obligations. It's Saba shay and king
who ask Allah
to give us the best in this life
and the best in the life to come.
The third thing that is guaranteed when you
marry someone was saying,
they will be honest with you.
Right?
If there's something that you need to know
before a manager will tell you, they will
not hide secrets from you.
And I'm not asking people to say everything
about yourself, because when we are young,
in your teen years, we do foolish things,
stupid things, and so you don't have to
talk about all the details as long as,
you mended your ways, everything is good, alhamdulillah.
Like, at some point in your life, if
you were young,
14, 15, 16, you didn't pray,
or you didn't fast properly, or whatever.
So you're gonna have to tell him all
that because now you're 25, you have been
praying regularly for 10 years, so you didn't
have to tell them all the details, like,
they don't have to know this. This is
between you and Allah.
But there are some certain things they need
to know. You have to tell them.
Oh, they would not know this, they would
not know.
How can they not know? Like, I remember
one brother, he got married to a sister,
and she had she was epileptic, Kanam Hazara.
She you know
and and they didn't tell him! Like, she
is epileptic, and, you know, she she has
this medical condition, and they never told him.
Although she was going to the doctor for
years, and she was on medication, and she
walks wakes up in the middle of the
night, and she keeps jumping from the bed
to the chair, and, you know, and so
on and so how can you hide something
like this? You have to tell him upfront.
And the same thing, if a brother is
a test, you have to tell him. There
is nothing wrong.
They will appreciate your honesty if they would
like to continue.
Alhamdulillah, they love you, they care about you,
but if they look for something else, you
don't blame them. Right? I mean, this is
a test from Allah, but you have to
be honest. If someone is, has, you know,
OCD,
OCD, obsessive compulsive disorder, who wants to see
them? So you have to tell them, you
you cannot hide something like this. When someone
has a heart problem, and they have been
going in and out of the hospital for
a long time, they need to know these
things.
Right? So you need to be upfront, and
you cannot hide these things from them. And
and and, you know, when you marry someone
who's practicing the dine, they will be honest
with you.
If someone has, you know, an emotional problem,
or a medical problem, or psychological
you need to let them know,
and so on and so forth, and they
will be upfront with you, and they will
be honest with you. But what happens? They
will not lie to you, they will not
cheat you, because they have fear Allah Subhanahu
Wa Ta'ala. So I'm gonna conclude with this
story.
When Musalama Adilahu Wa'anahu Wa Ta'ala. When her
husband passed away, so that
when her husband passed away,
so the prophet
came to propose to Musa Allah
She was not young,
he married her to honor her husband
and to take care of her kids. She
had many kids.
You Rasulullah, I cannot reject someone like you.
You are so honorable, so respect you know,
so respected.
I cannot reject you,
but I have some issues
that I'm dealing with. Okay.
I'm so jealous.
I'm afraid that if I do something that
displeases You, because of my jealousy, maybe I'll
say something, I'll do something, and You will
not be happy with me and Allah will
punish me.
And number 2, I'm old.
And number so this means that maybe I'm
not able to fulfill your obligations,
right?
To take care of you, and help you,
and so on and so forth.
I have a lot of kids, and I
don't want them to bother you and, you
know, you know, turn the house upside down
and,
you know.
Faqal and Nabiya salallam.
I'm gonna
pray to Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala to take
your jealousy out. I'll make Dua for you.
And number 2, you said you are old.
I'm old too. So we'll help each other.
We'll take care of each other. And number
3, your kids
are my kids.
So she accepted and they got married. So
she was very honest, upfront with the Prophet
and she told him about
things that maybe they will bother him in
the future, and the Prophet
appreciated this, and he honored her, and he
married her. So we'll continue in the future
inshallah. We ask Allah
to give us the best in this life
and the best in the love to come.
A couple of quick announcements inshallah.
Alhamdulillah.
Last Saturday, we had the 2nd Anatoliy motivation
conference, and it was a success, Alhamdulillah. We'd
like to thank all the volunteers
and the masjid for taking care of this
event, and we'll have it, next year inshaAllah
ta'ala. And finally, tomorrow, starting tomorrow, B'idhulillah,
Saturday,
we will resume the Anatolia youth program, 6:30
at Frank Mahigney,
for the youth, 12 years and up. Boys
and girls, we have a separate gym for
the boys and a separate, gym for the
girls. So they will be there, inshallah, from
6:30
to 8:3rd.
So tomorrow 6:30 at Frank Makikli in the
Yoon program inshaAllah, may Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala
to give us the best in this life
and the best in the life to come
and give us sincerity in everything we say
and do.