Mustafa Khattab – Men From Mars Women From The Moon
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I bear witness that there is none worthy
of our worship except Allah
And I bear witness that Muhammad salallahu alaihi
wa sallam is the seal of the prophets
and the final messenger to all of humanity.
Whoever Allah
guides, there is none to misguide.
And whoever Allah
leaves to stray, there is none to guide
So over the last
6 weeks, 7 weeks, we have been talking
about
marriage
and concept of marriage in Islam, and and
how to look for the right person to
marry, and expectations in marriage, and the person
who's practicing the deen, and some of the
challenges that people face
when they get married. So, we covered all
these topics in the last,
few Khabbas.
And alhamdulillah,
what a beautiful weather. It looks very sunny
outside,
and
it's very cold. So the this is the
kind of picture they showed me when I
was in Alberta. Someone sent me the picture,
I got a job here. They said, move
over, it's very sunny. And I looked at
the picture, You Masha'Allah, very sunny, but it's
freezing outside.
But anyway,
the reason I'm talking about the weather
is in the relationship between the husband and
wife,
there's a cold face.
So people will see you happy and smiling,
but your your married life is very cold.
Right? So this is, like, an example of
what it looks like outside. Sunny, but cold.
So
I'm gonna talk about a concept related to
men and women before I talk about the
the emotional aspect,
in the marriage, which is usually ignored,
in the discussions
about marriage.
A few days ago, a couple of days
ago, actually, I was giving a talk to
the students, the main gate students.
Usually, Wednesdays, I answer questions about Islam and
so on and so forth. And I got
a question from one of the young students,
maybe grade 2 or something, and she said,
So she said, why do I have to
wear the hijab, and my brother doesn't have
to wear hijab?
And I said, Subha Allah, they Mashallah, they
give me some interesting questions,
you know.
So I said, may okay. Your brother will
ask the same thing, and he will say,
Why
is my sister allowed to wear gold, and
I can't wear gold? You know? We can't
go around and around for forever.
So I told her this comes this comparison
comes from the false premises
that your brother is the standard,
and you measure yourself against him to see
if you are good or not as good.
This is a false premises. In Islam, your
brother is a standard by himself, and you
are a standard by yourself.
The problem is when you compare yourself to
each other. Right?
And and and this applies to so many
other, situations,
in life in general.
So men are not the standard for women,
women are not the standard for men.
Allah
honored both. Everyone is unique in their own
ways.
And Allah
gifted each of them
in a different way. Everyone is gifted in
a different way. So we shouldn't ask why
can you do this, why I can't do
this, or why she can't do this, and
I do this. This comparison
comes from this, false premises.
In Surah Alisa,
ayah 32, Allah
says,
Do not crave
it's talking to men and women. Do not
crave what Allah
has gifted some of you over others.
Because each and every one is gifted in
a different way. Men and women, each of
them is unique in their own way.
Every one of them is special. Every one
of them is equal before Allah, subhanahu wa
ta'ala,
but different.
They are not the same.
So me and my wife, me and my
sister, we're equal before Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala.
And Bilaw, we pray the same way, if
we fast Ramadan, if we give sadaqa, if
the niyah is good, we'll get the exact
same reward.
If we do something bad, we'll get the
exact same punishment.
And you find this all over the Quran.
So Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala when he speaks
about the reward,
he says men and women are equal in
the reward if the intention is good.
And when he talks about bad deeds,
they give the exact same punishment.
So even an evil deeds are evil before
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.
But every one of them has different characteristics,
and they have different tasks in life. So
it doesn't mean that one of them is
better than the other.
So every one is unique in their way.
So we shouldn't be making all these comparisons.
The other thing is, well, someone will say,
well, but the prophet
in in his last speech, Khubbatil Wada and
other Khubbas, he said,
So some would refer to the hadith of
the prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam, and there
is a narration,
fiqhupatirwoda,
the verbal sermon of the prophet sallallahu alaihi
wa sallam, when he said, treat women
well. You have rights on them, but they
have rights on you. And in another narration
of this hadith, he says, women
were created from a bent rib. And when
some Muslims
tell this day, they misunderstand the hadith, they
think the Prophet
is devasing or denigrating women,
or he's looking down upon them. The Prophet
was given a metaphor
to explain that each of them has a
different nature.
So when the Prophet
is talking about a woman being from a
big rib,
and if you try to fix this rib,
you're gonna break it,
so they think, Oh, we're bitter, and what
and so on and so forth. The best
way to understand the hadith is to think
of the man,
using utensils
terminology,
if you think of the man as a
knife,
and the wife as a spoon.
So the Prophet salallahu alaihi wa sallam is
telling us basically
that
a spoon is different from a knife. Use
both of them, every one of them has
their own, you know, they're, you know, used
in different ways, they have different characteristics, but
if you are going to turn the spoon
into a knife, you're going to break it.
Each one of them is good the way
they are. So this is the way you
should look at the hadith. Every one of
them is created in a certain way,
and they are equal before Allah and
before the law.
And there are so many glorious examples of
men and women in Islam.
And maybe there there is a man who
is better than a 1000000 people, men and
women. And there is a woman who is
better than a 1000000 people, men or women.
So we have a baqarah of Man Ali,
Khadija, Fazimah, and so on
and
so forth. So I wanted to clarify this
before we spoke about the concept of emotions,
in the marriage.
So when it comes to the materialistic
aspect of it, the physical aspect of it,
usually, there's not a problem. I know. So
in some cases, there are financial issues in
the house, and they fight over finances, and,
and so on and so forth.
But most of the time,
the emotional aspect is ignored in the relationship.
Right? And and I'm gonna give some examples
insha'Allah,
and show you from the sunnah of the
Prophet how Muhammad salallahu alayhi wa sallam
dealt with his family, and the emotional aspect
was always there.
Yes,
he goes to work, or she goes to
work, and they go shopping, they're living together,
they have kids, they have a house, they
have a car. So from a materialistic point
of view, from a worldly point of view,
everything looks good, but the emotions are missing.
And marriage
goes through different phases.
And this is true for for many people.
Now let's say for example, when you find,
your,
match, the person that you are going to
marry,
and you love them, you are in love
with them. So, masha'Allah, when you are engaged
to them, to that person, masha'Allah, you're happy,
you're elevated, you're excited, you're dancing in the
street. I found the most beautiful person in
the world.
It's during engagement.
So after the marriage, after honeymoon is over,
I start to think, Oh, SubhanAllah, I think
I should have waited a little bit more,
maybe I could have found a better person.
So this is a drastic difference from the
first phase.
The first phase, oh, my angel, and so
on and so forth. So after marriage,
there are more people in this world who
are better than the person that I get
married to.
After kids,
you know, totally different story. Shayateen.
So a lot of people, they change their
perspective altogether, and they start to, you know,
think evil thoughts about marriage, and about life,
and heart attacks, and blood pressure, and so
on and so forth. Why? Because the emotional
aspect is not there in the relationship.
Right? And the relationship becomes cold.
We, as human beings,
we are like kids, basically. When you take
your kid to Toys R Us,
when they see a certain toy over there,
there are different toys, and so they see
a particular toy, and they start to cry.
I want this toy, they make a scene,
and and you grab them, you know, you
already have some other toys.
No, I want this one.
So you grab them, and you see their,
you know, their fingernails on the floor, like,
you know, all
over. Eventually, you'll give in, and you buy
them this toy. 2 or 3 days later,
they break the neck, they break the leg,
they throw it away, and they want something
else. So this is part of the human
nature.
Usually, we're not satisfied with what we have.
We we lose interest, basically. And this is
true for both men and women.
Unless the person is Sahibuddin,
and they married you for the right reasons,
then this will not happen.
Because this this will become your soul mate,
someone you'll be with in this dunya, and
someone you'll be with in Afra. And you
can see the example in the life of
Muhammad Sazalim and Khadija, and Aliyah Dilaram, and
Fatima, and so many other Sahaba. The examples
are so many.
So you have this phase, this cold phase
in the relationship.
Yeah. He goes to work, and he provides,
but he has to.
You know, she takes care of the family,
she does this, she does that, because she
has to. Right? Why should I appreciate them?
Why should I thank them? Why should I
express my love to them?
So when you get to this point, this
cold phase in the relationship,
problems start to happen. Because if the love
is there, the emotion is there, you will
forgive, you will overlook,
and so on and so
forth. But if the relationship is cold,
for the simplest of reasons, people will fight.
People will come for divorce, and these are
some of the issues that I face almost
every day when people come to me. So
I remember the story. There was one of
the imams.
He told the story that 2 people came
to him for counseling.
Okay. So what is the problem? The problem
is the husband is very cold. He's very
strict.
Like, when his wife would tell him to
buy her something, he will okay. Here, like,
Has. He he doesn't express his feelings and
his emotions. He does something,
in a very cold way, in a very,
like a routine, basically. Their emotions are not
there.
So she came to the sheikh, and she
said, he is treating me like a cheyir.
He's he's very cold with me, and he's
not very appreciative of whatever I do.
So eventually, the Sheikh,
very well known in the US, he took
the husband to the side, and he said,
you know, you know, say say some nice
words, and he told him Hadith from the
Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam, and he said
buy her some flowers.
So he said 2 days later the sister
called the Imam,
and and and she was crying.
And she can't breathe. She had she had
a hard time breathing. So he said okay,
subhanAllah, what happened? She said he bought me
flowers.
And he said, subhanallah, I said, Bill, this
is great news. He said, he brought the
flowers, he came to me, he threw the
flowers at me, and he said, take. This
is what you want? This is what the
Sheikh told me to do here?
Come on, man. You're shooting yourself in the
foot. You have to do it with emotion.
You have to express your feelings that you
love the person, and and you care about
them.
One of the worst thing that can happen
between a husband and wife
is when you start to compare your wife
to someone else, another lady, or if you
compare your husband to someone else. And let's
say for example, this is part of, you
know, we living together routinely, and we don't
think about
our marriage together, and the emotions are not
there.
So one brother, for example, come and say,
well, I had a, you know, a fight
with my wife, because I was talking to
her, and I told her, I visited my
friend,
automatically, she will think he's comparing her food
to my food.
I'm a failure as a cook, and, you
know, my food sucks, and and this is
how he thinks of me. Right? The same
way, like, if the sister says something about
another man in front of her husband. You
know, I visited my, friend, and, mashaAllah, her
husband bought her this and this and this
and this. And so in the back of
his head, there is a blender.
She's, you know, you know, she's comparing me
to him, that she is saying that he's
more generous than me, he's doing this more
than and so on and so forth.
Another issue that I face,
you know, I'm gonna get technical a little
bit here, but I'm being practical.
In some cases,
you know, fights happen
during this time of the month when the
sister is having her cycle, for example.
So we we know, even in science and
psychology and so on and so forth, the
sister is not emotionally stable at this time.
I'm talking purely scientific perspective, not necessarily an
Islamic or religious perspective. So things happen. You
know, the the sister is not emotionally stable,
and maybe the husband will say something like
he would normally say,
and maybe the husband will say something like
he would normally say,
can you please add some more salt to
the food? Something like normal.
And then, malaha tifushu, like, she will hit
him with the thing, like, in his face.
Can you please peppermint to the tea and,
you know, in kobei for she will throw
the cup, you know, the, you know, the
cup on his face. Right?
The sister is not emotionally stable at this
time, so you have to be careful.
So they chose an opinion,
because during this stage,
they will lose interest in each other. Right?
So they will lose interest in in each
other.
So
in Islam, the chosen opinion,
if the sister, you know, has, you know,
this,
condition, this mother condition,
and
she said something he said something, one thing
led to another. He gave her divorce
according to the majority of the ommah, and
this is a chosen opinion.
If he gives her a divorce during this
time, it doesn't count, Islamically,
because
they are not themselves,
emotionally, psychologically at this time. So it doesn't
count. And this is a chosen opinion, and
this is the fatwa that I give,
and and so on and so forth.
Now we'll look at the example of Muhammad
and he is the best example, and he's
the foodwa
for the believers.
The prophet
expressed his love. Allah
has blessed me with her love, and he
instilled her love in my heart.
The prophet
was not shy to mention his wife by
name in front of people. Like, when he
was asked,
who is the most beloved person to you?
Is it Aisha, my wife?
Tamirah rijal abuha.
What about men? Is it her father? You
know, he used to talk about them, and
he used to express his love
to, to them. So he was not shy.
I know in some of our cultures,
including Mayan,
it is taboo, it is shameful
to say to your kids that you love
them,
and it is shameful to say to your
husband or wife that you love them. So
people take this as a sign of weakness.
This is the nature of things, and this
is not the right thing to do, because
someone better than me and you, Muhammad SAWSALAM,
expressed these feelings
and his emotions,
and he told his wife that he loved
her. We know from their hadith,
in Bukhary, in other books, that the prophet
would kiss his wife goodbye when he was
leaving, and he would kiss them when he
would come and hug them to show that
he cared about them, and he missed them,
and and he loves them.
And the prophet
from the adid, we know this story, he
used to race,
like the example of Faizullah,
he raised with her running race.
You know, she won the first time and
the prophet
won the second time and he said it's
it's, Drona. It's Dayna. Right?
To show that you spend time with him.
I know that many of us,
we have to work hard, we have to
provide for the family. Sometimes we don't have
the time. But now, especially in the wintertime,
you know, you you still can give some
time. The night is very long, you have
about 15 hours between Isha and Fashr. You
have a long time. So if you have
a basement, you can take your kids to
the basement and play hockey with them and
play with your wife. It's okay if she
wins all the time. So the point is,
we show him that we care. We are
part of this family. We're not here to
just to get some services,
and we leave, we hit the road,
and and and this is not the right
thing to do. The prophet
showed that he cared
about his family, and he expressed his emotions.
Another thing the prophet said, and this is
very important,
is that Muhammad
show gratitude.
When the prophet
spoke about Khadija Radialaan,
he said,
You li aamanadbi
is kafabi in Nas. She was the first
one to believe in me when everyone else
rejected me. Wasabdani
I Kathtabalinas.
And she believed that I was a true
messenger when everyone else called me a liar.
Wa Aftabni is hamani al Nas, and she
gave me when everyone else withheld and when
everyone else didn't give me.
And so on and so forth.
And Allah gave
me children through her. So he is grateful
to his wife, and he is counting.
So I would ask everyone here in the
masjid today, brothers and sisters,
every time you see something that you don't
like about your husband or wife,
think about the good things they have done
for you, and all the challenges
they have been through to make you happy,
and the sacrifices they made they made for
you.
Like, you
know, my life had meaning after I married
this person. We have kids together.
At least if I have a problem, I
have someone in my house or someone in
my life that I can talk to. So
if you think about this,
this positive attitude will make your life better.
Farhadi is free, he's like Muslim. It's a
beautiful hadith. The prophet said,
he's like Muslim.
The prophet said,
a believer should never hate his spouse or
her spouse.
If you hate one aspect about them,
maybe you like 1 or 2 or 10
other things about them.
She doesn't know how to cook.
She always burns your biryani or your ghuskur.
What is the big deal? She's a good
mother. She's a good wife. She's a good
believer. She prays one time, mashaAllah. She inspects
your family.
Then this one aspect, bad aspect about her,
becomes very tiny.
And this brother, the bad thing about him,
he comes late from work.
Okay. Give him nasiya.
And if this is something that persists and
you hate about him,
he's a good father, he's a good husband,
you know, he cares, he respects your family,
you know, he expresses his love and emotions,
he is a good person, he has a
good heart, and so on and so forth.
When you look at this one tiny aspect,
it becomes so minute, it becomes so small.
And the prophet Muhammad is telling us in
this hadith, if there's something bad, always look
for the good.
And this will make your life easy inshaAllah.
Ask Allah
to give us the best in this life,
and the best in the life to come.
So the last thing I would like to
say inshallah,
in one minute,
one thing we learned about Muhammad
and and the sahaba, they cared about their
families.
We know from the authentic hadith and Bukhary
and other books, Karan Rabi SAW Hassan, fimihnati
Ali, fimihnati
Ali.
So
the prophet
would help them. He had a big family,
and he had different, you know, houses,
but still, he used to patch his clothes,
he used to milk his goat, he used
to clean his, you know, and so on
and so forth. He would take care of
himself, and he would serve his family. He
was in the service of his family.
So now if I think about any one
of you, no matter what
important job you have or how busy you
are, you can't be busier than Muhammad
But he still took some time out of
his busy schedule, teaching, and defending Madinah, and
traveling
to serve his family, and to show them
that he cared about them, that he was
one of them.
The other thing is,
looking good for your spouse.
I know this is a sensitive issue, I'm
not gonna get into a lot of, details.
We need to look good to one another.
The husband looks good in front of his
wife, and the wife looks good in front
of her, you know, her husband, and so
on and so forth. Because the temptations are
everywhere,
you go outside, you see people, and so
on and so forth, then when you go
home, of course, when you go outside, you
dress good, you look good, and in the
house,
you don't look as good. Let me put
it this way. Right? So make sure, insha'Allah,
look good to each other.
So the appearance is good, the emotions are
there, and so on and so forth. Avulad
Nabas would say,
I try to look good in front of
my wife in the same way that I
like her to look good in front of
me. And and this is fair, alhamdulillah.
So we ask Allah
to give us the best in this life,
and the best in Allah to come in,
and give us sincerity in everything we say
and do.