Mustafa Khattab – Desperate to Marry 2
AI: Summary ©
The importance of marriage is discussed, emphasizing the need for finding a partner who is good and decent and a desire for love. Consent on finding a sister's love is emphasized, along with the importance of finding a partner who is good and decent. The speaker gives advice on marriage, engagement, and signing marriage documents, emphasizing the need for pride in relationships and a master's degree to get married without a delay. The segment ends with a mention of a candy for every question.
AI: Summary ©
Every human being has a baby inside, and
I'm not talking about pregnancy here. Okay?
When we're young,
when you they take you to the mall
for Toys R Us,
so you are screaming,
you are making a scene because every single
time you see a toy, you wanna take
this toy.
And what happens eventually because they want to,
stop you from crying because they will think
they kidnapped you or something. Right? So they
will buy you the toy.
And believe me, when you take the toy
home, you're gonna play with the toy for
a few days, then you will break the
neck of the toy or the leg, and
you're gonna throw it and look for something
else.
A lot of brothers and sisters, this is
what they think of marriage. You know, I'm
desperate. I wanna get married. Then after you
get married for a few weeks or a
few months, you will lose interest.
So
you're not spending any time at home. And
this is a one of the big complaints
complaints of the sisters and also the brothers
that the person lost interest.
Why? Because they are married for the wrong
reasons. Yeah. You're getting married to protect yourself,
but there is more marriage,
there is more to marriage than just enjoying
someone or to be with someone.
You are looking for a companion.
Right? For the Sahib. Whenever Allah subhanahu wa
ta'ala speaks about a husband or wife in
the Quran,
he calls him Sahib or Sahib.
So the word for companion in the Quran
is used for a husband and wife because
this is a companion. It's a life journey.
Someone you will be with forever
in this dunya and in Athar.
So you need to marry the person for
the right reason.
So if you marry someone because they look
good,
then believe me, after the marriage, you will
lose interest.
Right?
Because once
you taste something, you have been around something
for some time, you will lose interest. You
are gonna look for something else. But if
you marry the person because of their akhlaq,
their manners,
or because he or she is your helper
in life, you know, you're gonna go together
in on this journey, you're gonna start a
good family, then the love will always be
there.
The
one of the he
was
asked,
if someone is proposing to my daughter,
he said that some people are pro and
Hassan al Basri, he was asked, some people
are proposing for my daughter.
2, 3 guys are proposing at the same
time. So one of them is from a
rich family, the other one is from, you
know,
religious family, practicing family, and the other one,
masha'Allah,
he's handsome. They're handsome people and stuff. So
who should I marry my daughter to?
And remember when I said at the beginning
that the prophet
says a woman may be married for four
reasons,
the same applies to the men.
Because when the prophet
speaks in the masculine form,
he also refers to the feminine form as
as well. So he's not only talking about
the, the brothers marrying sisters, but he's also
talking about the sisters marrying brothers.
So these are the four things that a
brother looks for in a sister, and in
the meantime, these are the things that a
sister should look for in a brother. So
some sisters may be, may marry a brother
because he he's handsome,
or maybe he's from a good family, or
maybe he has money. But the prophet says,
and this applies to the sisters as well,
that you should look for someone who is
practicing. Right? So it applies to both.
So he says,
Mary, your daughter to the man who who
is practicing the deen. Someone who is good,
someone who is decent. Why?
Because this man with deen,
the one who's practicing, the one who is
decent,
if he loves your daughter,
he will honor her. But if he hates
her for any reason, he will not wrong
her. He will not be unjust to her
because he's always doing things
for Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala. So he will
never abuse his wife.
And the person with deen
will treat his wife the same way he
likes his sister, to be treated by her
husband.
And the right, the true sister, the good
sister, the good wife, is the one who
treats her her husband the same way that
she likes her brother to be treated by,
his wife.
Because
this is this is fair.
So the scholar said,
when someone has dean,
if you have a board or something, then
Din, you're gonna add up the good qualities
that the person has.
So Din, you put number 1.
If he has money, put a 0.
If he is from a good family, put
a 0.
If he is handsome or whatever, he has
a good job, put a 0, like 4,
5 zeros. But Dean is the the one
you have
at the left. Right?
If d is not there, so you don't
have this one.
So if you have the 1 and 5
zeros, so you have
a 100,000.
Then if d is not there, you remove
the aleph, you end up with 5 zeros.
So what do you have here?
0. You don't have anything.
They say if you marry someone for their
money, maybe they will lose their money. If
you marry someone for their beauty, maybe they
will have an accident or they grow old,
they lose their beauty or health.
But if you marry someone for for their
faith, they're good people, decent people, then this
will stay forever.
A man came to, Sofia Lev Narayana. He
was a big scholar. And he started to
complain about his wife. She's beating me, she's
cussing, and she's calling the police on me
all the time. So Sofiane ibn Oyeyena said,
you must have married her because she is
from a rich family.
Said, well, lie. This is true. So he
married the lady because she was from a
rich family, then after marriage, she knew that
he was marrying her for the wrong reasons
and she started to abuse him. So every
time he opened his his mouth, oh,
you you are living in my house.
I'm paying you money. I'm giving you money.
You are using the resources of my family,
so shut up.
So she's abusing him. So Sofiane and Narayana
told him,
I have 2 brothers.
The first one of them got married to
a rich family, a rich, a rich lady.
And Allah
gave him Dhul.
Allah humiliate Allah disgraced him because of this.
He was looking for honor and dignity
through marriage to a rich lady from a
high status family, then Allah gave him this.
And my other brother got married to a
rich lady and Allah
gave him poverty.
So the one who was looking for honor,
Allah
disgraced him. The other one who married for
money, Allah gave him poverty.
They took all the assets he had, and
they threw him away, and he was left
with nothing.
So as for myself, I married a lady
who had deen.
She's not from a very famous family or
rich family. She didn't have a lot of
money, but I married the one who's practicing,
and I'm very happy in my life.
Saeed ibn al Musayr,
he had a very knowledgeable daughter, he was
a big scholar, and,
so two people proposed at the same time,
Al Walid ibn Abd Malik ibn Murwan. Abd
Malik ibn Murwan was a Khalifa. So his
son proposed
to the daughter of Said ibn Musayid.
Then,
Said ibn Musayid
asked and of course, they offered him a
big dollar at everything. So Sayid al Musa'yah
offered his daughter in marriage, and there's nothing
wrong
if your dad
talks to a friend or someone who has
a good brother or a good sister, a
son or a daughter,
to suggest to them.
It is honorable in Islam
when someone offers his daughter in marriage to
someone who is decent, someone who is good.
There's nothing wrong. I know in in our
cultures, this is not acceptable. This is not
good. But the Sahaba did it. They used
to offer the daughters to to good Muslims.
Will you be interested in marrying my daughter?
Because I see something in you. You're always
in the masjid. You're a decent person. We
do business together, and you are very honest.
You are very sincere, all these things.
So you offer the person in marriage.
So Saeed al Nur Saeed
turned down the offer from Al Walid, the
son of the Khalifa of the Malik ibn
Murawal, and he married his daughter
to his student, one of his students,
for 2 dinars or actually 2 dinars. That's
like $15.
That's it, Khalas. He said, you're gonna marry
my daughter. And of course, the Khalifa got
upset with him because it was very offensive.
You you turn down
the offer of the Khalifa and you marry
your daughter to no one. Right?
But he did what he thought was the
right thing.
Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala says in the Quran
Wa'ankihr ayaamaminkum
If someone is single
then Allah subhanahu alaihi surat Anur, Allah subhanahu
wa ta'ala says,
you have to marry your children.
Once they are ready to marry,
right, they're physically and financially and mentally fit
to get married, you need to marry them
right away. There's no reason to delay.
The prophet also says,
3 things you should never delay.
When the time for salah comes, you shouldn't
delay. Because if you keep delaying 5 minutes,
5 minutes, you will end up losing salah.
And number 2,
when the janaza is ready, you shouldn't delay.
Oh, we're gonna do the janaza tomorrow or
the day after. No. You should do it
right away. And number 3, if a single
person
is ready to get married, they shouldn't delay
it. They should marry right away. Right? Because
there's no reason
to delay.
Life is short anyway.
Why would you delay? I like that because
it rhymes.
But
life is short.
Some of us here, whether
you're 20 years old or
37 years old like myself, I don't expect
to live for another 37.
And some of you, maybe, a low on
them, are not gonna live for another 20
years. So when you get married,
maybe you have another 5 or 10 years
to live Allahu Adam. Who knows? So you
have two options, either to live a miserable
life
or to me to live a decent life
with someone who's practicing
so that you live together in happiness.
So
the decision that you make before you get
married will affect your life till the end
of your life.
So Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala is telling the
parents,
If your son or daughter is ready to
get married,
they want to get married, then he said
you should help them get married. You should
make it easy for them.
Right? Make it easy for them. No. I
was telling to one of the brothers,
his son told me he's,
he's a student at the medical school here.
So his son wants to get married. He's
I think he's in the 2nd year or
something.
And I spoke with his dad. They were
just laughing with him. I didn't tell I
didn't tell him that your son told me.
He said, but, you know, we have some
expectations. I want him to finish his, degree
first and maybe get, masters.
I'm not very demanding. I'm not gonna ask
for PhD, but at least a master's degree
before he can get married.
And I said, you know, he can get
married without,
he can get married without masters. You know?
It's not a requirement.
So why do you make it difficult for
him? You know? And the family is rich.
Alhamdulillah. They have the money. But he thinks
if my son gets married,
before he finishes, his school, he's gonna fail
and he's all these things. Believe me, after
I got married, I was very busy. I
couldn't finish my masters.
After I I got married, I finished in
in a few months after the marriage. Because
now,
remember I used to come from work miserable.
I was living by myself. I had to
do the cooking, the cleaning, and I was
miserable.
Then after I got married, there was someone
to care for me. Right?
In made a different way. So I my
my all my time was focused on finishing
my my degree. So don't think if you
get married,
then
you will be, you know,
lagging behind and you're gonna be a failure
and all these things. This is not true.
A lot of successful people, they get married
even when they are students. If they have
the ability, then Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala will
give them success.
So Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala is asking the
parents to make it easy for their children,
but some of the parents, they make it
difficult for, for their children.
You know the story of Musa alaihis salam,
in Surat Al Qasas when he left because
after he killed the man by mistake.
Can we talk for another 10 minutes, or
you, you wanna leave?
If you want, we can continue next time
if if you have to leave right away.
No? 10 minutes ago? Yeah. Okay.
10 more minutes inshallah then we'll continue next
time.
So Musa alayhi salaam,
he killed a man by mistake in Egypt
and
he had to run away, and he went
to a place called Midian.
Midian
Madian and Albi. Madian in English.
So it's located to the north of Saudi
Arabia and southern, Jordan in that area.
So what happened?
Abdullah ibn Abbas
he said when Musa, alaihis salam, left Egypt,
he was in a very bad shape.
He didn't have food with him,
and he didn't even have a pair of
shoes.
He didn't have enough clothes on his body.
So he said,
by the time he arrived in Midian,
you can see
the inside of his belly because he was
so hungry.
And he lost the nails of his feet
because he didn't have shoes. And he started
to lose the skin
of his feet. He was in a very
bad shape. No job,
no hope in life, everything was lost, he
left everything in Egypt, then he went to
Medellin.
And you know he was nice to the
2 ladies because they were in the back,
you could not over offer water to their
animals,
So he helped them. He lifted the thing
and he offered water.
And we mentioned this, the first talk we
gave here, that,
there's a whole page in Surat Al Qasas
that he that talks about his encounter with
the 2 ladies, and he said only 2
words
in one page. He said, Mahat Bukhman. What's
up?
Right? What's going on? How I can help?
So they said we need to, provide water
and all these things. Then after he did
the job, he didn't ask for a payment.
He went to the shade, and he made
dua to Allah and he said, you Allah,
whatever you have in store for me,
I'm badly in need,
of it. That's it. Khalas. Then the lady
came and they invited him to the house
to meet the father Shoaib.
It could be Shoaib, the prophet, or another
man by the name Shoaib. There's a difference
among scholars.
So,
when he went there, as I told you,
he was he was starving. Right? Because he
was passing for days. No food. You can
see inside his belly.
So Sho'ai offered him food,
and Musa alaihis salam refused.
He said, because
I can't accept a payment
for my help to a door
for doors.
So Shu'aib said, SubhanAllah, this is not this
is not a payment. This is just
generosity, a hospitality that we offer to any
guest. So he started to eat.
Did you know the rest of the story?
He said, can I offer you a job
and you name one of my 2 daughters?
And he married one of them, and he
worked for him as a dowry for his
daughter for 10 years.
So Abdullah ibn Abbas
said, now look at Musa alaihi salaam.
He left Egypt. He didn't have anything with
him.
No food, no money, no job, no future,
nothing.
The same day he arrived in Midian,
he got
food, he got a place to stay, he
got a job, he got a wife,
and he became secure. Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala
gave him everything the same day because what?
He had taqwa of Allah. Right? So he
was always making dua and he was asking
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala for help in that
desperate situation
he was in. So Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
gave him everything,
the same day.
So you can do the same thing. If
you're in a difficult situation, you want to
get married, always make do to Allah subhanahu
wa ta'ala like Musa alayhi wa sallam. Do
what is right, stay away from what is
wrong, and,
talk to your parents if you are desperate.
Okay?
We'll continue next time inshallah there's more
like another
half an hour, 40 minutes. We can continue
next time. So we'll dedicate more time inshallah
for a few minutes for questions if you
have questions inshallah.
Next time we'll talk about
interracial marriages,
we'll talk about age difference, we'll talk about
istikhara.
When can you talk to your family? If
you're interested in a lady or a brother,
when can you open up the subject to
your family?
And,
what is acceptable during the engagement and what
is not acceptable?
And when can you,
to sign the
marriage document and all these things. Some issues
related
to pray,
engagement
period, and after engagement, and all these things.
Allahu 'alala.
Questions?
No?
You guys don't want to get married or
what?
No?
Tell us we'll give a candy for every
good question.
Tell us, inshallah. We'll, see you next week.
And sorry again for being late, and, we
should have brought some, refreshments, but, we couldn't
because we're running late. So, hope