Mustafa Khattab – Desperate To Marry 1
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AI: Transcript ©
So, forgive me.
Today inshallah, this is everyone's favorite topic. We're
gonna talk about marriage.
Yeah.
So,
yeah. As we said before, we're going to
speak about salah and tahara purification, all these
things. So,
we said maybe today we can, talk about
something else. And, next time inshallah,
we'll be looking for we'll talk about,
we'll talk about salah.
So,
marriage, as you know, you know better than
me that it's a necessity. Right?
Especially with people like you who come to
a place like this,
you see women walking around all the time.
Even for some married people like myself who
come here and, you know, what are you
gonna do? We are not angels. So it's
very tight, very difficult for someone even for
married people,
you know. So I always, you know, feel
very sympathetic
towards you guys coming here, walking around, you
see women, you don't know what is going
on.
Especially in the
summertime.
Because this is what I always say that
in summertime, shaitan works,
overtime.
Right? But wintertime, mashallah, women cover
up. Even non Muslims, you see them in
the cup and, you know, they're covered.
So the reason,
these women they cover up is because they're
afraid of the cold.
But Muslim women they cover up because they're
afraid of the heat in the next life.
Right? So it's it's the opposite.
So,
shaitan is very active in the summer time.
So the women go crazy.
Right? And the brothers, the Khalas, they go
crazy too because they see now,
what is going on.
So
Shaitan works over time. He's always recruiting people,
helpers and everything.
And,
even in the summertime divorce rates go very
high. In the wintertime, shay shaitan is not
there, most of the time. So the divorce
rates go down, and so on and so
forth.
So as we know, in Islam, when you
get married,
you complete the second half of your faith.
Right? So now you're, as they say, you
have half faith. It's like half cup.
But when you get married, you fill the
second half.
And this is what we say in Egypt.
When you ferry you when you marry the
first wife, you you complete the second half.
When you marry a second time, then you
lose both halves. Right?
Kalas. You are left with no faith because
they keep fighting and all these things.
So,
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala speaks about
men and women in the Quran. They need
each other. Right?
And they are created differently,
psychologically
and physically, so they can complete,
each other. So now imagine if 2 men
were married together or 2 women were married
together. Right? It doesn't work. Right? So Allah
subhanahu wa ta'ala created them different so they
complete one another.
Men are usually
hard headed and women are usually,
tenderhearted.
Right?
So you see the
the gentleness
and you see the firmness or the toughness.
Okay? So they complete
one another. When Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala speaks
about men and women in the Quran, he
uses the word, min amfusikoo.
Women ayaatihaam khalaqalakum
min amfusikoo. So when you marry someone,
this person is like yourself. This is what
Allah calls it in the Quran. 2 people,
they become 1.
This is why
when we started
the Zakat,
the concept of zakat in fiqh,
they say it is not permissible
for a man to give zakat to his
wife. Why? They say because Allah subhanahu wa
ta'ala calls your spouse
yourself in the Quran. You cannot give zakat
to yourself.
Right? So you cannot.
We read in the Quran
that
one of the qualities of the righteous people,
Ibad al Rahman at the end of Surat
Al Furqan,
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala speaks about the qualities
of the righteous servants of Allah.
So they are always in prayer, they make
dua, they avoid haram, and all these things.
And one of the qualities it's actually the
last one at the end. Allah says,
So
they are the ones this is one of
the qualities. They pray to Allah
to bless them
with righteous
spouses and children
to help them on their journey,
and they asked Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala to
make them leaders to the righteous. So this
is one of their dua.
So why do you need a husband or
wife? Of course, number 1, to protect yourself
from the temptations,
and this applies to the brothers and the
sisters as well.
You need someone, especially if you are a
hardworking person.
If you have a job or if you
go to school,
this is something in our nature. We always
like someone that we can talk to,
someone to care for and someone to care
for us, someone
to, to speak to in difficult times,
Because this is something you will figure out
when you get married inshallah that
you are closer to your spouse
than you are actually to your father or
mother or brother or sister. You talk more
to your wife than anyone else in the
family, even your children.
So you become like very close friends. You
you share secrets with your wife or your
husband that you don't normally
share with other people.
In dunya,
your spouse will be there with you
for 30, 40 years. Then when you leave
this dunya, InshaAllah, when you go there, you
will find your spouse there as well, will
be with you in Jannah. This is good
news to a lot of sisters, but a
lot of, brothers, they are disappointed.
Oh my gosh. She's gonna be with me
there?
One time one of the masha'ayef was giving
a food bar about Jannah.
So he started to speak about Hor Elain.
You know Hor Elain?
Yeah. Hor Elain. The
the the spouses that the the the man
will get in Jannah.
So he was talking about the Nain, the
pleasures that people have in Jannah. So the
Sheikh was saying, you know, MashaAllah, you go
to your place in Jannah,
and you will see all the rivers and
all the food, and you see a goose
flying, you wish, you know, I wish I
eat this goose. It will land right in
front of you with the rice and the
homeless and all the good stuff. Right?
And, mashaAllah, the people were excited. Tag beer.
Then he started to speak about the servants.
The people got excited. Tag beer.
Then he started to speak about the hul
I rin. Tag beer. You can feel the
the the excitement in the back, you know.
The people were being fired up.
They were happy. They loved the shayef.
Then he said,
then comes your wife.
Oh my gosh. So the people were disappointed.
And he said, is he still talking about
Jannah or this is Jahannam? This is something
else. He's mixing up both.
So they will be together in Jannah. And
Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala when he speaks about
people in Jannah,
he says,
So when Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala speaks about
husbands or wives,
he says that they will be in Jannah
together with their spouses, their children, and their
parents as well. Why?
They said because Allah knows
that your joy in Jannah cannot be complete
without being with the people that you love,
your spouse, and your family as well. So
say, imagine if you are in the highest
place in Jannah,
and your wife or your husband is in
the basement,
so you will not feel happy.
So Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, there are two
options here. Either Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala will
reduce you in rank
to join your beloved ones,
or Allah
will raise your beloved ones to your rank.
So which one do you think Allah will
do? To reduce you or elevate the other
the other one? He will elevate.
So he will elevate children and,
spouses so they can be together with the
loved ones.
They say
marriage is a must if the person is
afraid
of falling into Haram, doing something Haram. Right?
Being someone with someone they're not supposed to
be with. They even say
that if your dad
has,
saved 10,000, $15,000
to go for the Hajj and you're desperate
to get married, then your dad has to
marry you first before he goes to the
Hajj.
He has to marry you. So marriage, in
this case,
comes before Hajj.
Even if you saved 7,000, $10,000
to go for Hajj or Umrah,
and you are desperate, you have to get
married or you would be in the paper
tomorrow morning, right,
or in jail,
which is worse.
Then in this case,
you have to get married first. Forget about
the Hajj.
They say in
to Fatima to Fatima Al Haqqullah. The rights
of the people
are prioritized
over the rights of Allah. And say for
example, you are standing in salah in prayer,
and there's a fire next door.
You have to cut your salah and go
and save the people inside. Forget about salah
for now because salah can wait.
The people can't wait because they're in danger.
The same applies here. If someone, say for
example, you made a never to Allah subhanahu
wa ta'ala that you're going to give,
something out. Right? To give money out or
something.
And in the meantime,
you have a debt. You have to pay
someone a $1,000. You only have a $1,000
in in your pocket,
then you either fulfill the vow, another, or
you pay the debt.
They say you have to pay the debt
first.
Right? Because the rights of the people come
before the rights of Allah, in this case,
unless you're able to, to pay, both at
the same time. So if someone is desperate,
they have to get married right away.
When it comes to marriage,
there are 2 different types of people. Those
who are desperate,
they want to get married for different reasons.
Some reasons are good. Some reasons are bad.
So,
maybe they are in a difficult situation. They
want to protect themselves.
Right?
So they are desperate. They wanna get married.
So when they go out of their house,
they wanna give the first female they they
meet. Right? The first female.
Right?
It doesn't matter if she's old, if she's
young, human female, a panda, it doesn't matter.
They wanna get married. Right?
Some people, they wanna get married for the
wrong reasons. I know some people, they come
from,
from back home
because they are desperate there. The situation is
horrible. So they know that the easiest way
you can get, your citizenship here is to
to marry someone from here. Right? So they
are desperate.
So,
they wanna get married to anyone. So they
start with the stewardess in the plane.
Will you marry me?
She gives you a cup of a cup
of tea. Will you marry me? No.
You land at the airport.
So the lady who stamps your passport, will
you marry me? Get out of here.
Then the cab driver. All these things. So
they are desperate.
So, so they marry for the wrong reasons.
I know a brother
who, got married. There's this system in the
US because it's more difficult to, to get
your citizenship over there.
So,
what happened, they have this system.
It is illegal, of course. What you do
basically, you pay a lady money,
so she marries you on paper.
She will give she will sign the document
and everything. So you are married only on
paper and you pay her,
on a monthly basis like, $400 or something
like this.
So this brother came to me and he
said, I've been married to this lady for
4 months on paper
and she has a boyfriend.
I saw her only once when we signed
the paper.
And,
so I I keep sending her the money.
Then on Christmas and Halloween, you know, close
to the end of the year, you have
like 10 different holidays.
So
one time I get a call and, she
would say,
you know what,
John needs a bike.
I says, who is John? She would say,
okay, he's my son.
So,
you say, well, what do I have to
do with him? She said, you know the
papers that I applied for your citizenship? I
can't call my lawyer,
and we can't stop that. So he would
say, you know what? What kind of bike
he needs? Is it the blue one or
the red one?
Then
a month later,
yeah, Christmas or something else, he will get
a call.
Yeah, what do you want?
Yeah. Matthew.
Matthew who?
Yeah. This is
John's brother.
So what does he want? Yeah. He wants
the iPad?
He said, no. No. No. It's impossible. I
don't even know if you have a a
boy by the name of,
Jonathan, whatever the name was.
She would say, you know what? I'm gonna
call the the lawyer. So you'd say, okay.
Do you need the the iPad or the
mini pad? The big one or the small
one. So he said after 4 years,
something happened
and he didn't get his citizenship. So he
lost all the money, the bikes, the iPad.
So I told him, Allah, did did this
to you because he didn't do the right
thing. You were married on paper and the
lady has someone in her life and they
were, you know, they were having kids together.
And what do you call this? This is
not acceptable in Islam. So people do it
for the wrong reason.
So this is the first type. Those who
are desperate to get married either for the
right reason or the wrong reason.
But there is the the other type, which
is we call him
an Arabic al Mahaswikh. Mahaswikh is they are
very picky.
So the first time, they wanna get married
to anyone. It doesn't matter. Right? But the
second time, they're very picky. They raise the
standards very high up to the ceiling. Right?
So I want a sister, Masha'allah, who's a
graduate from Alberta University
with a law degree,
and she has to be making, like, a
$150,000
a year. She has to have a house.
She has to have a car and a
boy and a girl.
Was a boy a girl? Yeah. A servant
and a cook.
So it's what they call it. Yeah.
So,
the problem with this is and I people
talk to me like this sometimes. We're looking
for this, this, this. I keep looking in
the community. No one meets all these things.
Like one time, one sister,
she had a PhD
and she was a doctor
and she said, you know, she was 45
years old. She said, I can't get married
to anyone who doesn't have a PhD.
So I said, well,
how can I you can find a Muslim
brother? It's very hard to find a Muslim
brother with a PhD
who is not married at the age of
45 or 50. It's it's very hard. You
are making it difficult for me. And he
has to be from this culture, you know,
he has to be living by himself. He
doesn't have his family with him. All these
things. So I said, you know, where am
I gonna be able to find something like
this?
So people make it difficult. And with time
so they say this when they are 20,
25.
Now when they hit 35 or 40,
they know now they are losing time, running
the time is running. So the standards start
to go down all the way to the
basement.
Right? So the in the out man, a
one eyed, one legged witch.
Anyone.
So
you need to be
reasonable.
Yeah. There are some
things, some basics, they have to be there,
but some things are not necessary.
You are a human being. You're not perfect.
So how do you expect to find someone
who is perfect? You can't.
So I always tell the brothers and sisters,
if you find someone
who has 51%
of what you are looking for, more than
half, just 51% of what you are looking
for, then you should have a wedding right
away. Right? But not 100%.
Taban, this is what happens most of the
time. You fall in love with a girl,
where girls falls in love with a brother,
then,
they know each other for 2 or 3
years,
then she ends up marrying someone else, he
ends up marrying another lady. Someone completely different.
Why? Because she is not written for you.
We make plans for the future,
eventually, you will get the person who is
written for you.
There are so many stories and there are
so many cases.
Now before we talk about the requirements that
you should look for in a person,
you need to ask yourself because maybe you're
in the 1st school, in the 1st year
of school, 2nd year, you still have 2
or 3 more years to go,
if you pass the exams,
maybe 10 if you fail. Something like this.
Are you ready to get married or no?
Do you have the,
the financial ability or no?
Is your family okay with it or no?
Because maybe you're in the 1st year, you
know that if you talk to your dad
now about getting married, he will shoot you
and he will divorce your mom.
Because you didn't you raised a fool.
Right? Because,
I can't provide for you and the other
kids in the house, and now you want
to get married and get someone else in
the house. And where are you gonna stay?
Oh, we can stay in the, you know,
in the in the other room. Like, you
can't. So you have to have some basics.
Alhamdulillah,
it is not very expensive to get married
in this country. It is not like back
home.
A lot of people, when they get married
back home
I'm not gonna give you examples because you're
looking at one.
Back home you have to buy a house,
you have to furnish
it, you have to buy gold, you have
to buy all this stuff. Right?
Then, but I don't know of anyone who
got married in Egypt without
borrowing money from someone, either from the bank
or from someone from a friend. Right? It's
it's impossible.
But here you don't have to worry about
these things. You can get a small gift
like a ring.
It's not abusive like like back home. So
you need to ask yourself, am I ready
for
a tremendous,
commitment like this?
Because it is not an easy even if
it is, it is not as sophisticated, it's
not as difficult as back home,
but there are some
requirements. So Islamically,
if you are not able to provide for
a lady, a wife,
if you're not able to have your own
life, and maybe there are gonna be
kids in the future,
no matter how careful you are, things happen.
So are you ready to to start a
family and take care and and to become
the provider and the maintainer of the house
or no?
So based on the answer of this question,
you will
consider what I'm gonna say.
The prophet says in an authentic hadith. All
of you know the hadith.
The
prophet says
that
a man
is,
or a woman is married for four reasons.
For her money, for her beauty, for her
status, her family,
and finally for her faith, if she is
a practicing Muslim or not. And the prophet
says, take to the one who has faith,
someone who's practicing the religion. We'll talk about
this in a minute because some people get
confused.
Of course,
what the prophet
meant by Sahih Badim, the person who has
faith,
we're not talking about a person who has
a long beard or a sister who has
a niqab. Because people always confuse this.
Yes, there are people who,
who are very moderate and decent in the
way they dress,
but some of them,
you know, the only good thing about them
is being decent in the way they dress.
Because Islam is not only about the way
you dress. Islam is a whole way of
life, the way you speak,
the way you behave,
the way you talk to people, the way
you dress, all these all these things. So
you can't judge someone by just the the
way they look. And they say, subhanallah, maybe
there's a brother,
maybe he has a beard, maybe he is
dressed in a sin in a certain way,
and maybe this is his only good deed.
Maybe he doesn't pray on time, maybe he
does drugs, maybe he hangs out with women.
So, you know, so I have to look
at both the good things and the bad
things.
Maybe there's a sister
who has hijab, but this is the only
good thing she does in her life. She
backbuys,
she does whatever.
So you have to look at the good
things and the bad things, and you have
to make an evaluation
at the end. And don't judge people only
based on their looks because looks are deceptive
sometimes.
So what we mean by Sahibuddin
is someone,
who knows halal and haram.
Someone who knows the bank the basics of
Islam.
Someone who is able to pass his knowledge
to his kids,
and someone who is able to,
know his rights and obligations in Islam. Because
most of the time,
people think, yeah, I wanna get married. Then
after they get married, they don't know their
rights, their obligations,
their priorities in the relationship.
Then within a few weeks or a few
months, there is, a divorce. And this happens
sometimes.
Cause people are not ready, and people don't
know the value of marriage. This is not
an easy thing. Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala calls
marriage in the Quran, Wa akhatnaminkummi
Thaatan Ghaliqa.
Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala calls marriage
a tremendous
commitment.
So imagine if Allah
calls something tremendous,
it means that it's a very serious business.
This is not this is not fun, you
know, this is not a game you are
playing. So this is a very serious thing.
So someone who knows their right and their
obligations. Someone who knows halal and haram.
A brother came to me one time and
he said there is someone who's proposing to,
his daughter in marriage.
He seems like a very nice person,
but he doesn't pray.
So I told him don't marry him your
daughter because if he has no Haya from
Allah, if he has no respect for Allah,
believe me, you will have no respect for
your daughter. Right?
You know the story of the guy,
he proposed one time, he proposed to a
lady and,
he was rejected because he was not rich.
Right?
Then another guy proposed that he was rich,
but he was not a good guy. He
was not be he didn't practice. He didn't
pray.
So, the father agreed. He accepted the second
one because he said he will make my
daughter comfortable.
So the imam of the masjid spoke to
him and he said, how come that this
brother, he's a good Muslim, he comes to
the masjid all the time,
but,
you know, things are not very straight for
him because he's still looking for a job
and something, but almshAllah Allah will take care
of him. But this guy,
his family is rich, but he's not a
good Muslim. He's not practicing.
He says Allah will give Hidayah to the
second guy.
So the sheikh said, so you believe that
Allah can give Hidayah to the second one,
but he cannot give Allah cannot give money
to the first one.
Right? It doesn't make any sense.
There's also the other guy. I know a
lot of families, they are very protective and
they want their daughters to live a decent
life.
But,
if someone is not practicing, someone does not
know halal and haram, he's not gonna give
them a decent life.
And marriages like this, they always end in
divorce because
I do a lot of counseling in the
community. I've been doing this for over 8
years now, and I see cases.
And you don't know these things because they
don't go to you. They come to me
to ruin my life. Everyday they come.
Yeah.
He is drinking. He is doing drugs. He
is cheating on me. He is doing this.
And the first question asked, do you guys
pray?
No. Nobody prays in the house. So if
if if you if you turn your back
to Allah, if you have no respect for
Allah, how do you expect Allah subhanahu wa
ta'ala to bless this relationship?
And if the kids,
they lose their way, they do terrible things,
and I see this a lot, and it
is because of the parents. Right? Because they
see the parents, they are not praying,
they are doing whatever, so they basically follow
their example.
So this guy,
he proposed to a lady.
He seemed like
he seemed like a nice guy. He had
a nice jacket and everything, you know.
His family was not with him. So they
said no problem. We're gonna check him out.
If we like the guy, then we'll ask
him to bring his family next time. They
didn't know the guy.
So,
he seemed alright.
So the lady sat with him, everything is
okay.
So the lady went to the room, the
girl and her father came and he said,
what do you think? She said, you know,
he seems alright. You know, he's rich. He's
from a good family and stuff.
But there's only one thing. I noticed that
he's this happened in a Muslim country, an
Arab country.
And notice that he was chewing gum all
the time. It's it's very disrespectful
back home when you chew gum in front
of someone who's older than you,
you know. Especially if you're going to propose
to a lady, then you have to, you
know, be decent, then you have to be,
you know, nice and all these things. So
it is just disrespectful
if you sit cross legged or if you
chew gum in front of someone.
So he said I'm gonna go outside and
ask him. Maybe he has a reason.
So he went outside and he said,
you know, everything is okay. You know, you
seem like a very nice person, but,
the gum thing, why are you chewing gum?
You know, this is not nice.
He said, well,
nothing big, but, you know, I like to,
to chew gum after I smoke weed, you
know.
He said, do you smoke weed?
He said, yeah.
This is a very bad habit of mine.
I smoke weed after I drink alcohol.
You
you know, do you drink alcohol? He said,
this is something I learned in jail. I
said, yeah. I've been to jail. He said,
yeah. Because I killed a guy.
You killed the guy?
Yeah, he said. Yeah.
Few years ago, I went to propose to
a lady,
and,
her dad started to ask stupid questions about
the gum and about
the the weight and the stuff, so I
killed him. So what do you say? He
said, Talas,
the wedding is next week.
But don't shoot.
So money is not everything.
Because
as I always say that money can buy
you food, but it doesn't buy you health.
Can buy you the bed, but it doesn't
buy you sleep.
Right? You can't buy everything with money.
There are more things that are important in
our life here than money.
Of course, before we get married, I'm still
talking about the practicing part.
A lot of us,
do you know the Oscars?
So when they go and they win the
Oscars. So this is what a lot of
brothers and sisters they do before they get
married. They won the Oscars. You know, some
bra the brother, mashaAllah, when he goes to
the to visit a lady, you know, mashaAllah,
he wears the nice thing and the sipha,
you know, mizbaqa.
And he takes the prayer rug and
and,
they hit their head against the thing like
this so they can get the prayer mark.
Like this.
Yeah, sister inshallah when we get married I'm
gonna take you for the Hajj every year.
And we'll be praying in the ham, and
she said yeah inshallah,
Yeah. We can go for the Hajj, inshallah,
Ramadan.
There's no Hajj in Ramadan. Right? Good night.
So, yeah. And I'll be waking you up
every night so we can pray at night,
and and they don't even pray like the
regular five, so they don't even pray. So
after they get married, you know, she's gonna
ask him, you know, where is the Hajj
in Ramadan? Okay. There's no Hajj in Ramadan.
You don't wake me up at night to
pray, you know.
So it's all fake. It's all fake. You
just
be whoever you are. Just be yourself. Right?
Tell yours the lady, okay.
I do good things.
I do bad things. I will try to
be a good person, and you will help
me inshallah. Something like this. And the sister,
you know, I don't know a lot about
the religion. InshaAllah, you can teach me, we
can work together, something like that. Just be
yourself. Okay? Don't act.
So people build up a lot of things
and they have high expectations,
and after marriage, nothing happens.
We as human beings,
and this is something that you will realize
when after you get married,
that
every human