Mustafa Khattab – Before You Say I Do Part Ii
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And things get worse, and and and they
come to you when they are ready for
talat. Right?
And and this is too late.
So usually, you should see Nasiyyah from people
with experience and knowledge
to,
make things easy.
And I all I always advise people against
getting their family involved in their problems. Right?
Because let's say you have an issue with
your husband or your wife,
well, yeah, disagreement.
And if you report your husband or if
you report your wife to your family,
maybe the issue will be dissolved, everything
the situation is diffused,
the problem is solved,
but your family will always keep this in
mind.
Right? So basically don't share
all the information with your family. I remember,
there was this brother
and he came with his wife for talk.
Right?
And this brother
said that, subhanallah,
every single day,
his wife called her mom back home, back
home every day, long distance every single day
for an hour or 2 to report everything.
We woke up like 7 in the morning,
he washed his face,
he put on his clothes, we have breakfast,
he went to work, I don't know what
he's doing at work, then he comes at
5 and she's giving a report every day.
He's buying me this, he's not buying that,
and the brother was like Khalas, he was
fed up and he came for talaq.
And he said, SubhanAllah,
her mother sits somewhere in in our country,
and she's calling her every day from Canada,
and her other sister is calling from France,
Her other sister is calling from Australia.
The other one from South Africa. Every single
day, they call their mom for, like, a
daily report.
And I told the brother, subhanallah, I I
asked the sister, and she said, yeah, I
talk I like to talk to my mother.
What's wrong with that?
So subhanallah, I feel like
sitting with her family back home and her
mom is sitting and receiving the calls from
Australia,
France, South Africa, Canada,
and of course,
she had this answer machine,
you have reached your mom.
If you want to complain about your husband
coming late from work, press 1.
If he is not giving you all his
salary, press 2.
If you want to speak in Turkish, press
4.
For English, press 5.
If you want to speak to an agent,
heard that,
press 0.
I don't know. People make it so difficult
for each other. Alhamdulillah,
when you get married, you are old enough,
educated enough to take care of your issues.
Everyone has issues in their relationship, including your
parents.
Don't make it more difficult for them. Usually
when people come for me to me for
talat,
there are different reasons why people fight.
I'll talk to you about the top two
reasons. Number 1,
In the marriage, people always ask for the
rights.
When it comes to their obligations,
they don't care. Nowhere to be found. Right?
And number 2, the priorities are missed up.
Priority number 1 for me is to have
a good relationship with Allah,
Islam is the anchor in the relationship,
my family is very important to me, then
money, anything else comes after. Right? But for
some people, money is number 1.
I'm gonna work day and night. I don't
have time for my family.
Maybe I'm gonna send them text message every
2, 3 months. I know people, allah, I
know families,
and they come to me. Their wife is
here.
Their husband is working somewhere else, 5000, 7000
miles away. He comes back once a year,
and they have been doing this for the
last 10 years because he has to work
and make he can make money here, but
they need more money.
And and they end up in Talab, because
in some cases, he will get married over
there, and she's living here by yourself, and
this is this is not acceptable. Like,
you know, you as a husband, you have
desires. Oh, okay. You got married there
because you can't protect yourself. What about your
husband? Your wife.
She's human too. She has desires.
Like, who's gonna fulfill her desires?
I don't care about money. Even if you
make 10% of this money here, but you
stay with your family,
it's worth it. And if your kids grow
up without their father around,
you would be missing you cannot afford to
leave your kids by themselves here, especially if
you go into adulthood and and things, this
is a big price you're paying. And families
are collapsing, and I'm dealing with some issues
right now because of this. Right? So you
have to fulfill your obligations.
Money is not everything.
Make it easy for each other. Some families,
they live beyond their means. They make a
certain amount,
then they want to,
you know,
to buy the biggest house, the biggest car,
the fanciest this. And
and in some cases, the husband complains like,
I cannot afford this. You know, I'm living
in debt day and night, and
so we need to accommodate each other. You
know, the husband to take care of his
wife, the wife to take care of her
husband.
Your rights and obligations are very easy Islamically.
If you are a good Muslim, you have
respect for Allah, then the rights and the
obligations become easy. You take care of your
wife, you respect her, you respect her family,
become a man, take care of
her and your children,
and the wife, take care of your husband,
you know, protect him, and accommodate him, make
sacrifices
to, to make each other happy. And that's
all it takes. If the law is there
in the relationship, and Islam is there, people
know their rights and obligations,
things become easy. Things become easy.
But if the law is not there, and
Islam is not part of the relationship, you
expect terrible things to happen. And this is
one of the reason, one of the reasons
why marriages,
collapsed.
One more thing that I want to highlight
to the brothers, I know most of you
will work, and
some of the sisters will work, some of
them will choose to stay in the house.
So let's say the wife chooses to stay
in the house, and the husband goes to
work.
I know you work and you provide and
everything,
but this does not mean that you sit
in the house, you're not doing anything. Right?
Because some some brothers, they think, okay, if
I pay money in the house, I don't
need to do anything.
I I don't need to help the kids
with homework. I don't need to cook. I
don't need to, to do anything in the
house. Who is better, you or Muhammad Sasser?
Although he was Rasulullah receiving revelations,
receiving delegations, he was fighting to defend Madinah.
He was traveling, he was teaching, he was
doing everything.
But in Bukhari Muslim Hadith, kanafi minnati Ali.
He was in the service of the family.
He would clean the house, he would cook
with them, he would patch his clothes, he
would patch his shoes. He was one of
the people, he was one of the of
the family, he was taking care of them,
he was one of them.
He didn't sit on the couch
like a master and people were serving him
like slaves. No. He was serving his family,
he was taking care of them. He was
one of them. Right? So this is something
we need to,
to learn from Muhammad Sallal.
Couple of quick points. When do you feel
ready to get mad?
Right?
If you are physically, financially,
emotionally
fit to get married, you should go ahead
for it. Right?
Some kids, like high school kids, they come
and they say, oh, I went to talk
to my dad. I wanna get married.
And he ran after me with an ax
on a phone on 1. Right?
Like, you are not ready yet. Let's be
realistic. You need to provide for the family.
You need to
assume the responsibilities
of a man. And before I forget, we
need to make the distinction between a man
and a male,
and the distinction between a woman and a
female.
A male
is a person who is able to
father a child.
That's it. And anyone can do this. Right?
A man
is someone
who assumes the responsibilities
of the man. Someone who takes care of
his family, someone who is responsible,
someone who is always there and is always
part of the family, who cares about his
family, providing, supporting, protecting.
This is the man.
A a female
is,
a lady who is able to give birth
to a child. That's it. But a woman,
Islamically,
is, just like we said about the man,
who is able to shoulder the responsibility of
a family to take care of a husband,
raise the kids, and so on and so
forth. Right?
So
who decides if you are ready or not?
You.
And again, you need to talk to your
family. If if you have the, desire to
get married, if you find the right person,
you should go ahead for it, inshallah.
Another question I received,
you like someone, they like you, and you
propose to them,
and the sister said, well, inshallah, no problem,
but we can do our nikah
once I get my PhD.
And she's still in, like, high school. Right?
You need to wait another 10 years for
them. My lasiha is always if you get
married to the person you like,
it's not gonna distract your attention from your
studies or your work, if with a little
bit of organization and understanding.
If you get married, let's say you are
19 years old or 20 years old, you
are still you are going to college and
your family is supporting you to get married.
Again, you can live together. You don't have
to buy a fancy house, a fancy car.
You can start small.
You don't have to have kids right away.
You can't delay
another 3 years, 5 years, 7 years, who
cares? Right? You don't have to have kids
right away. Again, you need to talk to
each other and make a little bit of
organization.
People think they need to wait
to have all the degrees in the world,
and once they get, you know, they get
their PhD, they're gonna start start thinking about
marriage, and the sister is now in her
forties, she hit menopause, she cannot give birth,
like, life is over. I mean,
you are not going to,
miss anything if you get married at a
young age, if if you are fit to
get married. But again, you can always delay,
children for a number of years until you
are ready, inshaAllah, to,
to have kids.
I got another question.
Like, I'm talking to this sister from back
home, we talk over the phone,
and,
one thing before I answer,
if you are interested in someone when you're
talking to them,
and don't say,
something
that will be offensive or something that is
not appropriate
if her father or her brother is sitting
around. Right?
Only tell her the things
that you would have someone who is interested
in in your sister,
tell your sister something decent,
in this stage you are getting to know
the person, you are not married to them.
Right? And so on and so forth. So
you have to be decent when you talk
to them. So you are talking to this
sister, and she said, you know, I love
you and all, but give me 1 year
to convince my family. Right?
1 year goes by, give me another year.
Well, the problem is if you wait too
long,
we don't know if eventually your family will
say yes or no, you're wasting your time.
If you come to this point, tell her
give me a deadline.
If you are not able to convince your
family, if you are shy,
then I don't know what to do. Right?
So you need to be,
you know, you need to be understanding but
also firm, because otherwise, you'll be wasting,
your time.
Another question here.
Again, talk to your families. Talk to your
families.
They know you, and they know what is
best for you. Eventually, you are the one
who is getting mad, not them. Right? So
you need to make the decision eventually, but
also do it in consultation with your family.
Don't do it against their weapon.
If you start your relationship with a sister
or with a brother at the at the
expense of your mom and dad,
then eventually your kids will grow without their
granddaddy or aunt, their uncles,
their their their aunts are not around. You
call them aunts, but it should be aunt.
Aunt is the insect. Right? So you should
you should get the family involved with their
blessing and so on and so forth.
Work hard.
Talk to the elders, talk to the imam,
take everyone and go and talk to them
and try to convince them. Eventually,
eventually,
if you are willing to fight for the
sister or the brother
because you love them, and you think they
are worth the fight,
eventually Allah will open the door for you,
if the person is suitable for you.
Right?
But if the guy is not worth fighting
for, please don't fight your family with someone
who is not worth your fight.
Right? Like this guy, he's not he doesn't
work.
He's lazy.
I mean, he's he smokes stuff. He doesn't
pray. I mean, why would you fight for
someone like this? You know?
Another question.
You should get to know the person before
you marry them, talk to them for as
long as you want. 3 months, 6 months,
1 year, but please don't take 10 years.
Right?
For me,
it doesn't take me
a year to decide if this Biryani is
good or not.
It doesn't take a long time to to
decide if if this phone is good or
this person is good or not. You know,
we we as human beings, we we kind
of know
if if if this person is compatible to
me. And believe me, one lie, even if
you are marrying someone
like a distant relative,
you know them for 25 years. Like you
grew up together, you went to school together,
you visit them, they visit you, you know
their parents, they knew you know everything about
them.
Believe me, even after you know them for
25 years, you get married, you move in,
you will see surprises every day, things that
you didn't know about their personality.
Right?
Don't take too much time to get to
know the person,
just get to know them enough
to be able to make a decision. Right?
But not too much. I think 6 months
is good, 1 year is good, but but
not 5, 10 years.
Wallahuwah. Any more questions?
Any more questions?
If someone is shy you can always write
down the question and put it in the
bottle and throw it in the ocean.
Yes? I guess I have a question. Like,
in terms of talking to a person for
6 months or a year, like, what methods
do you recommend talking to that person? Is
it through text or
through sitting with their
with their family? Or
Okay.
Can you take a picture? Yeah.