Mustafa Abu Rayyan – 04 Panel Discussion The Serene Home
AI: Summary ©
The importance of trust in marriage is emphasized in Islam-ific marriage, with strong understanding between members of the couple and avoiding problems. Consent and acceptance of divorce are also discussed, and the importance of finding a partner in a relationship is emphasized. The conversation also touches on the negative impact of social media on people's relationships and marriage, and suggests avoiding similar behavior and comparing oneself to others. The segment ends with a suggestion to stop following and remove negative comments from social media accounts.
AI: Summary ©
In the
name
of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
Don't worry, it was just a du'a
that Allah ﷻ grants us all paradise.
There was nothing dajji, I mean.
Okay.
Firstly, assalamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.
That was better, mashallah.
Okay, on behalf of the Greenland Masjid management
and staff, I would like to welcome you
all to this panel discussion that, as announced,
is entitled The Serene Home under the series
The Ideal Muslim Home.
And as you can see, with me on
this panel, I have Sheikh Mustafa Ibrahim, who,
as we say in Arabic, is well-known
and is in no need of introduction.
And also, with me here on my left,
I have our sheikh, Sheikh Hafidullah Khan.
For those of you who don't know, our
sheikh has played a major role in this
masjid throughout the years.
Jazakallah khair.
From answering questions through the Imam Q&A
service, mediating, arbitrating lectures and classes, etc.
Jazakallah khair.
Just to give an example, he recently completed
a very famous, legendary tafsir class in Urdu.
A very famous, legendary class, mashallah.
And this is me saying, I don't even
speak Urdu.
And he recently completed it.
May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala put it
in his mizan of hasanat.
Okay, so we'll make a start, inshallah.
I have a few questions with me.
And inshallah ta'ala, if we have some
time, we will open up the floor for
some questions, inshallah ta'ala.
So without further ado, I will begin with
our sheikh, Sheikh Hafidullah, with the very first
question.
What general advice would you give to couples
to keep their marriage strong and loving?
Bismillah ar-Rahman ar-Rahim.
Alhamdulillahi rabbil alameen.
As-salatu was-salamu ala nabiyyina Muhammad wa
ala alihi wa sahbihi ajma'in.
Alhamdulillah, the topic that you chose, mashallah, is
a very, very important topic, how we can
build an ideal Muslim home in this age,
in this time.
As, mashallah, brother asked me about that, what's
the advice that I can give.
Brothers and sisters, the main thing is, the
main thing, the most important thing is that
if we want to save our marriage, if
we want to make our home Islamic, a
Muslim ideal home, so the main thing is
that we have to be attached with Allah
subhanahu wa ta'ala.
And we have to be grateful to Allah
subhanahu wa ta'ala.
He made us Muslims.
And we thank Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.
By this, we can get the blessing of
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.
And by this, Alhamdulillah, as Allah subhanahu wa
ta'ala says, وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُمْ
مِنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجَ لِتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُمْ وَوَدَّةٌ
وَرَحْمَةٌ It's Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala who
made the love and mercy between husband and
wife.
It's from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.
So we have to try our best as
a husband and a wife to please Allah
subhanahu wa ta'ala, first of all.
And the second thing is that as a
human being, yes, mashaAllah, everyone has lots of
good qualities.
And as well as we have some errors,
some weaknesses in us.
So in this situation, we have to be
aware of some kind of things which make
our family broken.
So one of the main thing is that
I am just focusing on the husband and
wife.
How they can make their marriage a happy
marriage, a happy life.
So one of the main thing is that
I said to you that they need to
please Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala first.
They need to please Allah subhanahu wa ta
'ala.
And second thing is they don't have to
make themselves followers of the shaitan.
Because the husband and wife, these are the
main target of the shaitan always.
And there's a shaitan which spread mischief between
husband and wife.
It is a very beloved act for him
to spread mischief, to separate them.
The thing that separates them, one of the
main thing is the trust.
The trust is the basic thing to save
the marriage and to make the bond of
nikah and marriage stronger and stronger.
So if the husband or the wife, if
they lose the trust between them, then it
is very hard to regain the trust, to
regain the trust.
And one or two you can say the
main thing which makes that we lose the
trust because of it is lying and cheating.
It's from husband or from wife, lying and
cheating.
Marriage life is not based on lying brothers
and sisters.
It will, subhanAllah, they know any day, any
time.
So, because if the lying is there, then
they lose their trust of each other.
Instead of lying and cheating, they have to
base their marriage life on truthfulness.
They have to base their marriage life always,
always on truthfulness.
Then they can save their marriage life.
And they can have an atmosphere of peace
and happiness in their homes.
And the second thing is that these very
small tiny things we think that it becomes
so big issues.
Like subhanAllah as I mentioned that everyone has
some errors and some mistakes they do.
So if the husband or wife, if they
start criticizing constantly, constantly, criticizing on each other,
on each other's job, and they start mocking
each other, taunting.
So brothers and sisters, these things, these things
make their life, subhanAllah, you can see that
it's not a good thing that this thing
makes their life, their marriage life so, so
weak.
So taunting and constantly criticizing, it's not good
for the marriage life.
And as well as respecting each other.
It's very, very important.
Giving respect to wife, giving respect to husband.
Dealing in a respectful manner.
It's very important.
As the Prophet s.a.w. says that
The best among you who is best with
his wife, with his wife, with his family.
So that's the thing that we need to
make our home an Islamic home, a Muslim
home.
The last thing that I'm saying to inshaAllah.
So as well as, from all these things,
and the last thing that we have to
try our best to focus on each other's
good qualities, always.
Not to focus on each other's weaknesses.
The Prophet s.a.w. says Marriage life
is not based on hatred.
It's based on compassion and mercy and love.
So try to focus on each other's good
qualities.
So inshaAllah it will be help to create
an ideal Muslim home inshaAllah.
Do you have anything to add on to
that?
Next question to you Sheikh Mustafa.
From an Islamic perspective, what are the primary
responsibilities and roles of the husband and wife
within the marriage?
First again I want to thank Sheikh Hafidhullah
for those very wise and beneficial words.
And our brother Sameer of course for always
facilitating.
May Allah s.w.t reward them both.
And may Allah s.w.t reward all
of us as we are sitting here in
one of the houses of Allah s.w
.t. As it relates to the question, what
are the primary responsibilities upon a husband and
a wife?
So before I talk about those responsibilities and
rights, it's important to understand, like Sheikh Hafidhullah
mentioned, the bedrock and the foundation of a
healthy marriage is not necessarily a focus on
the rights and the responsibilities, but rather an
abundance of mercy and love.
When there is love and mercy in the
home, there is not a lot of hyper
-focus on the rights and the obligations.
Because the home is filled with love and
mercy, so the person will go beyond their
obligations.
The person will go beyond what is required
of them, they will do even more.
So the asal is, and this is why
when the ulema mentioned, when Allah s.w
.t was speaking about the husband and the
wife and their relationship, in surat Ar-Rum,
Allah mentions that it is for tranquility.
Allah has placed between them a love and
mercy.
The rights and responsibilities were not mentioned because
if there is enough love, if there is
enough mercy, if there is tranquility in the
home, then no one will transgress upon the
other.
However, those rights and responsibilities have been established.
And it is important that you know what
they are.
Let me quickly, inshallah ta'ala, go through
them.
What are the responsibilities of a husband as
it relates to the deen and the shariah?
The first thing is to understand that the
husband has financial responsibilities as well as non
-financial responsibilities.
The financial ones are generally summarized as follows.
He has to give his wife a dowry
that happens early in the marriage.
This is the first haq that she has,
the mehr, the sadaq, the dowry.
On top of that, al-infaq, spending on
her, meaning what?
Taking care of her financial needs as well
as accommodation.
Those three things are the responsibility of the
husband to provide and continue to provide as
long as they are together, where she's staying,
her expenses.
Of course, the necessary expenses, right, not the
luxurious ones.
The expenses and then, of course, the dowry
that comes before that.
Those are the financial responsibilities.
And there are some non-financial responsibilities such
as living with her in fairness and kindness
and justice and being the best to her
as possible, like Allah says in the Quran,
وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ So it is a responsibility upon
the husband that he conducts himself in the
best possible way with his wife.
The best possible character, the best possible akhlaaq,
the best possible statements.
And finally, it is also a responsibility upon
him to fulfill the whole purpose of marriage
and to be able to find that physical
intimacy with each other.
It is a responsibility of the husband and
a right of the wife.
That summarizes the basic things every husband should
be fulfilling.
The financial responsibility, living with her in kindness
and justice, and fulfilling, of course, the purpose
of marriage that is the reason why two
people come together to begin with.
Then you have the wife.
A lot of these will mirror each other,
but the wife has no financial responsibility in
the marriage.
And that's important to understand.
She has no financial obligation in the marriage.
Anything that she spends on her home, on
her children, on her husband, for her would
be sadaqah.
It would be an act of charity, and
it is encouraged to do so if she
can.
But she has no financial responsibilities.
However, it is her responsibility to follow, respect,
and obey her husband.
That is number one.
That she follows, respects, and obeys her husband,
and perhaps we can expand upon that later
on.
It is also important and an obligation upon
her that she makes herself available for her
husband as it relates to the physical intimacy.
This is another obligation upon her, and it
is heavily emphasized in the sunnah.
And finally, it is also an obligation upon
her that she lives with her husband in
the best way possible, using the kindest words
possible, the best akhlaq possible, just like it
was wajib upon the husband.
If you have those basic things in place,
then you decorate that with even better akhlaq,
with mercy, and with love, and you have
the foundations of what can be considered, inshallah
ta'ala, a blessed and proper marriage.
I hope that kind of summarizes it, inshallah.
Jazakallah khair, sheikh.
Just additional to that, sheikh Mustafa, if you
don't mind.
You mentioned in terms of showing respect from
the husband's perspective, you know, having that level
of respect and akhlaq, and sheikh touched on
this as well earlier.
You have a common trait where some brothers,
for example, when they're out with their friends,
with brothers in the masjid, they say mashallah
and smile and mashallah tabarakallah.
But as soon as they walk into the
house, it's a completely different face.
That is not there anymore.
This is very sad.
And if this is the case, then brothers,
we need to fear Allah subhanahu wa ta
'ala in this regard.
The most deserving person of your kindness is
your wife.
The most deserving person of your smile is
your wife.
The most deserving person of your good conduct
and character.
And if you're in a state where you
find the best version of yourself outside of
the home, and the worst version of yourself
inside the home, then you need to start
looking in the mirror and fear Allah subhanahu
wa ta'ala, because you will be held
accountable.
It is from her rights, that she finds
within you the tranquility, the mercy, and the
love that was mentioned in the Qur'an.
So it is important also to understand.
Some people say, sheikh, ustad, imam, this is
just because of many problems in the home.
It's not, you know, it is what it
is.
Some of the problems are coming from her
side, you know.
But there is something you have to appreciate
here.
Who are you responsible for first and foremost?
Yourself.
Whose action can you 100% control?
Yourself.
This is why it's important, and there's a
principle that we have in our deen, that
when it comes to rights and responsibilities, this
is mentioned when we're talking about a community
and their ruler.
It is mentioned a child and their parents.
It's mentioned between couples.
It could be a worker and his employee.
If you have obligations, upon you is to
fulfill those obligations, regardless of whether that is
being reciprocated or not.
So, meaning what?
Even if you feel that you're not receiving
the best welcome in the house, it doesn't
excuse you coming in frowning.
It doesn't excuse you coming in angry.
It doesn't excuse you coming in and having
that type of behavior.
Do your obligation, right?
And also do not let the shaytan interfere
with your home.
Brothers and sisters, fear Allah subhanahu wa ta
'ala, and the Prophet ﷺ and his sunnah
and his seerah, and how he was with
his wives.
He was very gentle with everyone, the most
gentle to his wives.
He was very kind to everyone, the most
kind to his wives.
And we see this from the sunnah.
Emulate the sunnah of your Prophet ﷺ, and
the moment you do that, you will find
a lot of khair in your home, inshallah
ta'ala.
Barakallah fi shaykh.
Back to our shaykh, shaykh Hafidullah.
You mentioned earlier that some of the issues
that exist or come up between couples is
the lack of trust, lying, etc.
In your experience, shaykh, other than those, what
are the common issues that you find need
mediation between these couples, and how can they
address these problems?
Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
Mashallah, shaykh Mustafa, what he explained to us,
inshallah, is very beneficial.
Just one point I will add.
In Arabic, they say that when the husbands
come to our house, the wives, they say
always, they leave three things at the doorstep.
One is their coat, and the second is
shoes, and the third thing is their akhlaaq.
So we try not to be among them,
inshallah.
Yes, it's not a big achievement that we
show our akhlaaq to our friends, to our
clients, to outside people.
The big achievement is that we have to
show our akhlaaq towards our wives.
Anyhow, as you asked, the main issue that
comes out.
In our experience, the first thing is, unfortunately,
we receive at least two or three divorce
applications every week.
That's the main thing, subhanallah, unfortunately.
And there are lots of reasons, but one
of the main reasons is that lack of
understanding between each other.
Lack of understanding.
And why?
Because there was no equality between them in
education, in jobs, in other things as well.
In their culture and everything.
So that's why the lack of understanding, that's
the main thing.
And as well as, subhanallah, domestic violence.
And the third thing is that the families,
the in-laws, their interruption in between their
lives.
In a negative manner.
In a negative manner.
It's the reality that it's happened between the
mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.
There are lots, always there are some issues.
There are some issues.
So that's why the main thing is that
lack of understanding.
Inshallah.
May Allah bless you, Sheikh.
Sheikh Mustafa, you touched upon some of those
points, for example.
Also maybe add on to how can we
deal with these issues between these couples.
Subhanallah.
As you heard, brothers and sisters, that we
have a lot of people coming and coming
to the shuyukh, coming to the judiciary board,
trying to file for a divorce.
And the problem is if you see them
at that stage, this is when it's too
late to remedy.
It's too late to solve.
It is important that you're constantly checking your
relationship and your marriage and trying to address
the issues early on.
Because what happens is, to a lot of
people, they will grow their resentment and their
anger.
There is some right that is not being
fulfilled.
The husband might have a certain type of
character, akhlaq.
It may be that there is some value
problem where you guys disagree on fundamental aspects
of your lives, of your deen, or whatever
the case may be.
There are several issues.
And what happens is, this will fester.
And it is not addressed through proper mediation.
And this will cause, and in fact, the
only way it's addressed is through argumentation and
anger.
That's it.
So you'll have a whole year of argumentation
and anger, and then another year.
And before you know it, remember earlier we
were talking about that the foundation of the
marriage was rahmah and mercy.
That's out of the window now.
And now the wife is at a stage
where she had it and she wants out.
The husband is at a stage where he
can't handle it and he can't take it
anymore.
This could have all been resolved if initially
we were able to adjust these issues in
the proper way.
And what does that look like?
First of all, it is important to understand
that your spouse, like Sheikh Hafidhullah mentioned that
you will not have a perfect spouse.
So there will be shortcomings.
Accept that from the beginning.
Then live with those shortcomings and try to
remedy them slowly with rahmah, with mercy, and
with good akhlaq.
Often people are not upset about what you're
saying, but how you're saying it.
Often it is the tone that ruins it.
Often through the shouting and the yelling we
cannot hear each other.
Hence why the sunnah is to seek for
mediation at a stage where there is still
possibility of reconciliation.
Not mediation at a stage, because if you
go to the sheikh, to the imam, to
the qadi, and khalas, what's the issue?
Sheikh, don't worry about the issue, we just
want divorce.
Don't worry about the issue, we just want
divorce.
Why are you here then?
Is that the job of the judiciary like
the sheikh mentioned, the dalaq councils?
That's it?
Make sure that you're able to go for
mediation and counseling and support early on while
it is still possible.
Number one.
Number two, have a lot of sabr.
Understand that the grass is not always greener
on the other side.
Number three, if you don't fear Allah in
your marriage, Wallahi your marriage will not last.
Fear Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.
There is a statement that the sheikh mentioned
earlier, Wallahi I cringed when I heard it.
Domestic violence.
Ikhwan, what are we?
What kind of human beings are we?
When we have to resolve to harming each
other.
The person that is meant to be the
closest to you, Allah called them libas.
hunna libasul lakum wa antum libasul lahun You
are close to each other.
Right now, the clothes I'm wearing are closer
to me than anything else here.
This ayah has so many benefits.
The clothes that you are wearing, they are
closer to you than anything else.
That's how the relationship is meant to be.
The clothes you are wearing beautify you.
That's how the relationship is meant to be.
The clothes you are wearing keep you comfortable
and warm.
That's how the relationship is meant to be.
The clothes that you wear, they add value
to you.
As you're wearing them, that's how a marriage
should be.
So, fear Allah SWT and disregard me.
Allah SWT protect our marriages and our homes.
Ameen.
JazakAllah khair.
We're back with you again, Sheikh Mustafa.
Is it advisable for the wife to work
and contribute to the household income?
And what factors should a couple consider when
deciding on this dual income?
I think it's important to first, like I
mentioned earlier, understand that the wife does not
have any financial obligations.
Meaning, she doesn't have to work.
And also, it is important that the wife
does not look at herself as an individual
but as part of a home, a household.
So, the decisions that you make, you look
at how does it impact the rest of
the home.
So, if you working adds value and khair
to the home, that's great.
If it detracts from the home, then perhaps
you shouldn't do it.
Because what is the point of doing something
that is recommended if it's going to cause
harm?
What are some harm that it could potentially
cause?
If you're gone for most of the day
and very tired when you come home, can
you properly help in raising your children?
Can you properly fulfill the rights of your
husband, the rights that you need to fulfill?
If that's going to create a burden and
a struggle, whereby you will need the support
of your husband more, and this may cause
certain tensions, all of that for a few
extra pounds, this is not advisable.
However, if you working is going to add
value, you're in a particular situation where maybe
your husband's income is not enough or the
cost of living is very high and that
support is needed, and you assess that situation,
again, not as an individual but as a
unit, and you decide, no, I should work.
And again, any khair that you do, as
long as it is halal, as long as
it's appropriate, as long as it's beneficial, Allah
will reward you for any sadaqah that you
spend on your family.
So the first thing is that a lot
of common sense has to be used.
Secondly, a lot of shura has to be
done, and it should be done for the
benefit of the home.
If staying home is more beneficial for your
home, and it often is, then sisters, stay
home and raise the children and support your
husband in that way.
If you having a job is going to
benefit the family, then after shura, there is
no harm in it, but we have to
be sensible when we do these things and
look at our individual circumstances.
I never advise sisters to go and work
just for their career.
This is very narrow-minded.
This is a way of looking at yourself.
My beloved sister, you are a wife and
a mother, or you're a wife and you
soon may become a mother.
Look at yourself from then onwards as a
wife and a mother, not as a career
woman.
Again, am I saying there's something wrong with
pursuing a career?
No, but it shouldn't contradict, it shouldn't harm,
it shouldn't damage what you have built.
Your home is your priority.
And the same advice goes for the brothers,
that when you are making shura with your
spouse on these issues, be very sensible and
look at the situation.
If genuinely it adds khair, and there is
some need, some haja, for your wife to
work, and it is a job that is
halal and is appropriate, then maybe you should
accommodate this where it is possible and not
be very strict on the issue.
If it brings benefit, that's what you look
at always.
Is what I am doing benefiting my home
or harming my home?
And it's important that we look at each
other as units, as a couple, as a
home, not as individuals, as this is not
the point of marriage.
I think after this, inshallah, it's just going
to be about shura and looking at the
masalih and the mafazit, and Allah knows best.
Barakallah for you, Sheikh.
Back to yourself, Sheikh Hafizullah.
If a couple finds themselves constantly butting heads,
constantly arguing, having trouble getting along, what's your
advice?
What should they do as a couple?
Ongoing arguments at home.
So you can imagine the atmosphere of that
home.
Imagine the children, how they think, how they
live there.
So if there's anything like this in any
home, the first harmful thing that they lose
is their children.
They are losing their children, I'm saying to
you.
If the couple, they're always arguing with each
other, they have lots of issues between each
other, it means that they are trying their
best to lose their children.
And as Allah says, As Sheikh Mustafa was
saying, mashallah, that one of the main responsibilities
of the husband and wife, as a mother
and father, is not only to protect themselves
from the hellfire.
But it is their responsibility.
It is your responsibility when you're married.
So always remember that you are going to
be a responsible person.
So when Allah grants you children, it is
your responsibility to make them among the Ahlul
Jannah, not among the Ahlul Naar.
And you can do that.
So you have to try your best to
free them or to save them from the
hellfire by making yourself a good role model.
If you make yourself a bad role model,
so if they go wrong, so Allah will
ask, there is a report, I think, that
the children who they vandalize on the roads,
other things, so there is a report that
70% of them, they are from single
parents.
70% of them are single parents.
And we all know that single parents, they
can't upbring their children properly.
They cannot do that.
So first thing, always when they have any
kind of issue, argument, they have to think
about their children first.
And the second thing is, always try to
remember that what's going on, it's from shaitan.
Once Prophet Muhammad s.a.w. saw the
two people, they are arguing with each other
and they're screaming on each other.
So the Prophet s.a.w. said that
there is one kalima, if they know, then
the argument will end inshallah.
And that kalima is, I seek refuge with
Allah from the accursed shaitan.
Because all these arguments, especially between husband and
wife, is from shaitan.
So you have to seek refuge, Allah s
.w.t., from the shaitan.
And the second thing is, on the time
of argument, husband or wife, they try their
best to control their anger.
Everything, especially the divorce, happens in extreme anger.
And how they can control their anger?
If you are standing, try to sit down,
according to the hadith.
And if you are sitting, try to lay
down.
And still, you feel some anger, try to
drink the water.
It's anger from the shaitan.
Anger from the shaitan.
And as well as, try to change your
place.
From one room to the other room.
You can say to your wife, to your
husband, that okay, inshallah, we'll discuss this matter
tomorrow.
So they can think about it.
And then inshallah, they will change their mind.
And the third thing is, always we have
to remember, that it is not possible, it
is not necessary, that we try to prove
ourselves always right, in our arguments.
It is not necessary.
To end the argument, what we have to
say, try to give up.
Even if you are on the right side.
If you are right.
Try to give up.
The Prophet s.a.w. says in a
hadith from Abu Dawud, that I assure a
house in the paradise, for the person who
gives up, just to well-being in the
marriage, even though he was the right person.
So sometimes, even if we are right, but
we have to give up.
We have to leave that.
So mashallah, you can see that your spouse
will inshallah, change himself or herself inshallah.
That is the thing that we have to
do inshallah.
Sheikh Mustafa, do you have anything to add
to that?
Just one point inshallah to add here, since
we have a Shafi'i representative mashallah, I
believe there is a statement from Imam Shafi
'i s.a.w. where he said that
whenever he argued with somebody, he would hope
that the haq came from him.
Yes, no, absolutely.
This is a very important principle as it
relates to when you are having a discussion
or an argument or a debate, that first
of all, as Imam Shafi'i used to
say, I am correct, but I could be
wrong.
You are wrong, but you could be correct.
Why would he say this?
Because he was confident in his view, but
he allowed room for doubt.
He was confident in his views, no, I
am right, whether it was a fiqh or
religious view, and you can use it for
any other thing in the world.
You have an argument, you think you are
right, we should do it this way, we
should do it that way, but he would
allow some room for doubt.
I am upon the haq, and my words
could be false.
You are wrong, and it could be true.
was established through their tongue.
Again, meaning, it was not about Shafi'i,
it was not about Muhammad Idris himself, it
was about the truth.
And similarly, as a husband, it should not
be me, me, me, I want to be
right.
As a wife, it shouldn't be me, me,
me, I want to be right, but rather,
the best solution, the best point, the best
option should be taken.
And if you have that mindset, it truly
will transform the way you have discussions.
You will take a minute, you will pause,
you will reconsider what you said, you will
listen, you will actually listen to what they're
trying to say, it really transforms the way
you have discussions.
So it's a very important point.
Still with you, Sheikh Mustafa.
How should the sisters, and this is maybe
more related to them now, how should they
understand the concept of obedience?
You touched upon this earlier.
How should they understand this concept of obedience
in the light of the Sharia?
This concept sometimes causes some of our sisters
to pause.
Who is he for me to listen to
him or to obey him?
And it causes them some problems.
And look, my sisters, first, before you are
a wife, before you are a daughter, you
are a servant of Allah subhanahu wa ta
'ala.
And that is your first priority, to worship
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.
Just like your husband, before he is a
husband, before he is anything, he is a
servant of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, meant
to worship Allah.
Meaning what?
Whatever form, shape that takes, worshiping Allah, you
will do it.
And that's really important to understand.
Secondly, anything that our Sharia commands us, there
is khair in it for us, even if
we sometimes don't fully grasp and understand it.
We trust our Lord Allah subhanahu wa ta
'ala, who created us, to give us the
best possible commandments, and when we fulfill them,
only khair will come out of it.
Now, is there a concept of da'a,
that is an obligation upon the woman, regarding
her husband?
Yes, there is.
How should we understand?
Number one, when we say obey, you do
not obey anyone, including your husband, or your
father, or your mother, anyone and anything that
disobeys Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.
So anything that goes against the deen, you
don't obey anyone in that.
That's the principle that you have in our
deen.
Similarly, you do not obey anyone, and anything
that causes you harm.
If it's going to truly be harmful to
you, then you do not obey, no father,
no mother, no husband, no one.
Because of course, we're not allowed to harm
ourselves, or cause ourselves harm.
After you have established those two things, what
is the point of da'a?
Understand that the home is an institution, the
marriage is an institution, and any solid institution
that is functioning, functions as a hierarchy.
Meaning what?
Just like when you go to work, when
you go anywhere that you work, there is
someone that is at a certain level, you
have maybe a junior staff member, and then
you have a more senior staff member, then
maybe you have a supervisor, you have a
manager, and it goes like that.
Each one has someone that they escalate certain
things to, but the function of a normal
healthy working place is not only based on
commands.
Yalla do this, yalla do that.
Most of the time it's what?
We're thinking about doing this, what do you
guys think?
There's a level of shura and consultation involved.
A marriage is like that as well.
The asal is that there is consultation, there's
shura, there's discussion, and also another thing, just
because at work you have a supervisor, or
a manager, does that mean they're better than
you?
It doesn't mean, so there's a lot of
this concept, does that mean they're better than
you?
That they are closer to Allah than you?
No.
It means that in that work setting, there
is a level of hierarchy in place to
ensure it functions properly.
And the home, Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
gave the role of leadership to the husband.
And there's another thing that we have to
understand, my sisters and my brothers, that leadership
in Islam is not just a privilege.
It's not just a privilege, it's a burden.
It's a burden.
And because it is a burden, it comes
with a certain level of weight and responsibility.
And it's not something you should wish for.
The Prophet ﷺ used to say, لا تسأل
عن الأمارة Do not ask for leadership.
Do not ask to be a ruler, or
a mayor.
Do not campaign for it.
Why would he say that?
Isn't that a prestigious thing?
It's a burden.
Allah will ask you about it.
And Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala will ask
the home and the household about the husband.
When Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says, كلكم
راع Each one of you is a shepherd.
Who is the shepherd of the household and
will be asked about it in the judgment?
The husband.
And because it is his burden that comes
with a certain level of leadership.
This burden comes with a certain level of
leadership.
And that leadership, it comes with a responsibility.
And part of that is, yes, that the
people that they are a leader for, they
understand that it's a hierarchy and sometimes they
need to be listened to.
Does that mean that it is a jump
how high type of situation?
No, it's not.
It is not.
But yes, my sisters, you will get closer
to Allah if you listen to your husband.
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala loves for you
to listen to your husband.
Right?
And it is better for the home and
the household when the husband feels respected.
And also, of course, it is the husband's
responsibility to guide the home to Jannah.
قُوْ أَنفُسَكُمْ وَأَهْلِكُمْ نَعْرَىٰ is a command to
the men.
قُوْ أَنفُسَكُمْ وَأَهْلِكُمْ نَعْرَىٰ The sisters, they commanded
as well.
But as a husband, you are responsible for
your wife and your children.
And the qawamah, this is for the brothers.
The qawamah, the responsibility is not just to
maintain their eating and drinking and dunya responsibilities.
You also have a responsibility for their deen
as well.
So, keeping an eye out and looking for
is there enough deen in my home?
Is there enough tarbi in my home?
Is there enough Quran and khair happening in
my home?
This is a responsibility and a burden on
the husband.
And the wife shares in that responsibility.
But the primary burden is upon the husband.
So, it's not that a lot of khair
has been taken away from the sisters.
It is just how Allah set up the
home and Allah knows best.
Allah knows best.
May Allah bless you.
JazakAllah khair, Sheikh Mustafa.
Back to our Sheikh, Sheikh Afidullah.
When it comes to a household that are
going through issues and struggles to stay together,
when would it be appropriate then to, or
at what stage would it be appropriate or
okay to consider divorce or khilafat?
I think you're asking when they start thinking
about the divorce.
SubhanAllah.
Unfortunately, whenever divorce happens, they don't think about
it.
Without any thinking.
SubhanAllah, the first thing.
Because most of the divorces happen in extreme
anger.
They don't think about it.
They don't think the consequences of the divorce.
They think that the divorce is the solution
for their problems.
It creates lots of problems as well.
So anyhow, they have to think when they
try their best to resolve their problems, they
change themselves.
They just make new agreements between husband and
wife.
They involve their families.
They involve the imam, everything.
But the problem is still there.
JazakAllah to you, Sheikh.
Just continuing on from that, Sheikh Mustafa, after
divorce, what then?
Advice for those brothers and sisters maybe who
have gone through this.
How should they then continue after the divorce?
So this can be looked at two ways.
How do you handle a divorce?
Because often it can cause a lot of
emotional turmoil for the person.
How do you handle the relationship with your
ex?
Because often that can cause a lot of
issues and potentially people can oppress each other
or harm each other.
And finally, how do you move on and
learn from those lessons and try and perhaps
go again and find another spouse and maybe
not repeat those mistakes that happened.
So there's several ways to look at it.
I'm not sure, Sameer, if you have anything
in particular in mind.
We'll try and cover generally.
So first of all, if you do end
up in a divorce, and this is for
both of my sisters and my brothers, this
is the Qadr of Allah.
Now that it happened, we always accept the
decree of Allah.
And one of the benefits of doing a
measured divorce according to the Sunnah is that
there is usually a scope for reconciliation.
If you do one divorce, there's scope to
reconcile, to remedy, to look into the situation.
On your second, same thing.
But if you're on the last one, then
it's over, of course.
Until, of course, she marries someone else willingly
and then maybe one day you'll meet each
other again.
But generally speaking, you have to keep that
in mind.
So, follow the Sunnah that way.
There could be room for reconciliation.
And sometimes, time apart can help you give
yourself perspective as well.
A lot of people, they will go through
a divorce thinking it's better for them and
they will struggle with loneliness.
They will struggle with the fact that they
don't have a home to go back to.
And now, all of a sudden, all the
things that they felt were big problems, I
was exaggerating, it wasn't that big a problem.
So please, if you're in that situation, understand
the Qadr of Allah.
Have sabr.
See if there's room for reconciliation.
Get better perspective and come back inshaAllah to
Allah, together with renewed intentions, if it's possible
and there is room.
If that's not the case, and this was
the final divorce, my sisters and my brothers,
remember no amount of dunya problems should cause
you so much emotional turmoil to the point
where you cannot live anymore or you cannot
function anymore.
We have to be measured people.
And attachment to people should be at a
certain level.
Just not too long ago, there was a
young man that came to me.
He's not even married.
He's ages, what, 23, 24?
And he's pursuing a sister in the hope
of marriage.
I think they were speaking very short time
and he was saying, what am I going
to do if it doesn't work out?
What am I going to do if it
doesn't work out?
And he was very distressed.
I was like, Shoaib, you know, calm down.
And I told him, what's the worst thing
that can happen?
That she marries someone else.
I was like, what will happen to you?
You're going to be okay.
And I told him, say after me that
you're going to be okay.
Because we attach ourselves sometimes too much.
And there is a hadith of the Prophet
ﷺ where he says, if you're going to
love someone, love him in a measured way.
One day you may not, you may dislike
that person.
And vice versa.
Controlled attachment is better than one where you
believe, my relationship is over, my life is
over.
Wallahi, my sister, your life is not over.
Many people run through divorces and then end
up getting married to someone and continue having
children, having a life.
Brothers, the same thing goes for you as
well.
And if this is the end of this
particular relationship, you have a better relationship, a
stronger relationship that will never end with your
Lord Allah ﷻ.
You have relationships with your siblings and your
family, that are always with you.
The marriage is a good relationship.
While it is there, make sure it is
the best one possible.
If it ends, have sabr.
Have sabr and understand that.
Wallahi, sometimes we become too attached to each
other and it causes us way too many
psychological and emotional distress.
So please be measured in this regard.
Accept the Qadr of Allah.
And finally, do not oppress each other.
Do not oppress your ex.
My sisters, I have heard too many stories.
And maybe the sheikh can do a ta
'liq on this.
Too many stories where the wife, the ex
-wife, is refusing to show her children to
her husband.
He is trying to say, can I spend
time with my children?
No.
We are busy.
We are traveling.
And she is making it difficult.
This is not from the Deen of Allah
ﷻ.
And the same thing with the brothers.
Sometimes she may need support with the children.
You are still the children's father.
Abandoning them and saying delete.
That's it.
I have nothing to do with them anymore.
I'm going to start anew.
It's not from the Deen.
Your children have huqq on you.
And that person that you had love and
mawadda and rahmah between each other at one
point and through reasons, now you are not
together anymore.
She still deserves some rahmah.
And remember the good that was between you.
It's important to remember that as well.
That's just a general summary of a post
-divorce and what can happen and what should
be done.
And Allah knows best.
May Allah bless you, Sheikh Mustafa.
Still with you, Sheikh Mustafa.
Why is it important for couples and I
think Sheikh Hafizullah touched upon this in the
beginning.
Why is it important for couples to have
these shared values?
How can they make sure that they align
their values in order to strengthen their marriage?
One of the biggest causes of divorce is
the husband and wife not aligning on their
vision for their life, for their deen, for
their children.
How are we going to raise our children?
What is right and what is wrong?
Their morals and values.
If they are not aligned, it's one of
the greatest causes of divorce globally.
This is very important to understand.
So it's important that you're both in line
with the usool of hayat, with the foundations
of life.
And also, more importantly for us, the biggest
foundation is our deen.
And how can I make sure that's the
case?
My sister, my brother, before you get married,
hammer these things out.
When you're talking, you're asking each other things
that are not important.
You can find out what's your favorite type
of dessert.
You don't need to know that at the
moment.
What flower do you like?
What's your favorite color?
We finish a lot of the kalam fadi
like that.
And then before you know it, you get
married and you disagree on fundamentals.
I remember one brother saying, I want to
do hijrah in the next four years, for
example.
That's his view.
And she says, I'm never leaving here.
What are you talking about?
I'm never leaving here.
And now they're married.
That's a fundamental issue, isn't it?
Probably should have discussed that before, right?
The brother believes that his wife should dress
a certain way.
She doesn't hold that view.
Then they get married, it causes problems.
Maybe he wants to, you know, he has
a certain lifestyle in mind and she has
a different lifestyle in mind.
All of these things that can cause friction,
make sure that you speak about them before
so that when you're getting married, you're marrying
someone that you guys are on the same
page.
When you're on the same page, the most
problems you will face are things that can
be solved.
Things that can be solved.
You know, he comes late or he doesn't
take enough vacations.
These things you can solve inshallah ta'ala.
But when you come to us with problems
that are foundational, Ya Shaykh, we disagree on
what's right and what's wrong.
How are we going to solve that?
How are we going to solve that?
This is why the remedy to this is,
before you get married, make sure that you
have shared and common goals and foundations.
Let's say, Alhamdulillah, you got married and there
are differences in these things.
Then it is important that with rahmah, with
hikmah, with wisdom, with sabr, you slowly try
and get towards the same vision.
And if you guys are completely different, then
most of the time, that home will struggle.
That home will struggle and that will pass
on to the children and the children will
realize that their mother and father are not
in line with each other, which causes conflict
with them as well.
And before you know it, the whole house
becomes kharaban and problematic.
And this is not what we want inshallah
ta'ala.
May Allah keep our homes steady, strong, and
people that are aligned with their visions.
And Allah knows best.
Mubarakallahu feek, Sheikh Mustafa.
Sheikh Hafidullah Khan, any advice you would give
to our young brothers who are looking to
get married inshallah ta'ala?
Ancestors, sorry.
Brothers and sisters.
This is not my advice, not from myself.
It's the advice that Islam gives us.
The criteria for choosing a wife or husband.
Then we can make a successful marriage life.
As the Prophet s.a.w. says, When
you are looking for yourself, the sisters, or
for your daughter, for your sister, and if
any proposal comes to you, and you are
happy with his deen and his akhlaaq.
Deen and akhlaaq.
Deen means that yes, deen, inshallah includes akhlaaq.
But Prophet s.a.w. he mentioned especially
the akhlaaq.
It means that you can see that there
are lots of people, masha'Allah, they always
attend in the first floor in the jama
'at.
But they don't have any akhlaaq.
So you have to be careful.
You have to be convinced with his deen
and with his akhlaaq, inshallah.
So then don't refuse it.
Don't refuse it.
Imam Hassan al-Bukhari says if you marry
your daughter or your sister to the person
who has fear of Allah, if he likes
her, inshallah he will make her happy.
He will give her her rights.
If he doesn't like her, he's not going
to oppress her.
Always we have to look for our sister,
for ourselves, the person who has deen and
akhlaaq.
And likewise, the Prophet s.a.w. says
about when you are going to choose for
yourself the wife or for any other person,
for your son, for your brother, the Prophet
s.a.w. says that the woman always
the people marry her because of four things.
They look first or you can say that
they look how rich she is or how
beautiful she is and they look her lineage,
the family status and they look at her
deen as well.
For bid'at al-deen, Muhammad s.a
.w. says, choose the one who is pious.
The pious.
Like if she is pious, if the husband
is pious, if the wife is pious, if
they have fear of Allah, it is not
possible that they leave their children behind.
Go wrong.
They will be for each other a means
of tranquillity, a means of love because they
know their responsibilities towards each other.
They have fear of Allah s.w.t.
So always remember, yes, it is not, we
are not saying that deen doesn't say that
you don't have to choose the beautiful.
Yes, masha'Allah, that's good.
If she is beautiful, if she is, masha
'Allah, from a, subhanAllah, a high family or
from, masha'Allah, she has lots of, she
is a rich person, it's good, yes.
But you have to prefer, you have to
give priority to the woman who she is
pious and righteous, insha'Allah.
That's the main thing that we have to
always prefer, insha'Allah.
JazakAllah khair.
Sheikh Mustafa, any final remarks, insha'Allah, or
advice?
JazakAllah khair.
My brothers and sisters, marriage is an ibadah
and we often forget that.
Marriage is an act of worship.
It is, of course, yes, it's a relationship,
it is a love between a man and
a woman, it is a starting and a
building of a home, but first and foremost,
it is an act of worship.
And as any act of worship, it comes
with certain obligations, it comes with certain sunnah
acts that if you do, it beautifies it,
it increases the reward, it increases the barakah.
Try to the best of your ability, to
make your marriage as close to the marriage
of the Prophet ﷺ as possible.
Follow his sunnah and how he treated his
wives.
My sisters, follow the way of the sahabiyat
and the noble women and how they treated
their husbands.
Make sure that you follow what you've heard
from the Qur'an.
Tranquility, mercy, lots of rahmah and mercy and
I want you to keep this in mind.
The more mercy you show each other, the
more mercy Allah shows you.
Like Allah ﷻ says, Those who show mercy
to each other, the most merciful showers them
and shows them rahmah.
So show rahmah to the people on the
earth.
Number one is your wife and your husband.
Show each other rahmah.
Overlook the shortcomings.
The Prophet ﷺ said, if you see shortcomings
and problems, there is something that they are
not good at, but there will be something
else that they please you with.
So understand this as well.
We are not perfect.
My sisters, the men, they have many flaws.
They are not perfect.
My brothers, our women folk, they have many
flaws.
They are not perfect.
But we have each other and that's all
we have.
So let's have sabr with each other and
let's inject our homes with a lot of
rahmah, with a lot of love, with a
lot of sunnah, with a lot of dua.
Lots of dua.
Make dua for your spouse.
Make dua for your husband.
Make dua for your wife.
Make lots of dua for each other, inshallah
ta'ala.
And I ask Allah to bless our homes.
Apply the sunnah, not just in your salah.
Apply the sunnah in every single aspect of
your life that includes your marriage as well.
I'll conclude there, inshallah ta'ala.
Jazakum Allah khair to both our mashayikh and
jazakum Allah khair to you as our brothers
and sisters for attending.
We have a little bit of time, inshallah
ta'ala, before our uncle makes the adhan.
So if any brothers have any questions, inshallah
we can take one or two, inshallah ta
'ala.
Jazakum Allah khair.
The brother, those of you who didn't hear,
he's asking about the importance of lowering the
gaze in order to safeguard this relationship between
a husband and wife.
So, lowering the gaze is an obligation upon
the men and the women.
Like Allah commands the men to lower their
gaze.
And Allah says, and tells the men that
they've been commanded to lower their gaze and
to safeguard their privates.
And then Allah says, that is more pure
for them.
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala will purify you
through you lowering your gaze.
There is barakah and khair in doing so.
And when you do not lower your gaze
and you look at the opposite gender in
ways that you're not allowed to do outside,
online, anywhere, it damages your heart first and
foremost.
It is among the siham of the shaitan.
It is the arrows of the devil.
It will ruin you, your ibadah, your connection
to Allah.
It will corrupt you.
And when it corrupts you, it will also
corrupt your marriage.
And you will start comparing what Allah gave
you at home to what is outside that
you have no right to be looking at.
And this will have an impact on your
marriage.
My brothers fear Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.
My sisters fear Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
because the command is for both men and
women.
But particularly the brothers, this is a big
fitnah.
The whole point of you getting married was
to avoid fitnah.
The whole point why you spend the dowry
and that wedding and all of that was
for you to avoid fitnah.
Why are you jumping into the fire again?
Why are you ruining your heart?
Why are you corrupting your heart?
Fear Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.
And perhaps the reason why Allah removed the
barakah of our homes and our relationships is
because we keep doing things like this.
So not only are you sinful for doing
it, not only are you corrupting your heart
for doing it, not only are you not
being purified when doing it, you're also ruining
your relationship and your marriage.
So all I can say is my brothers
fear Allah in this regard and Allah forbid.
Thank you.
Very good question.
It triggered another question.
I'm going to put you guys on the
spot here.
The issue of social media and the impact
that social media has in a couple where
one of them for example is following a
certain couple and they see, of course only
see the beautiful side of their relationship even
though we know it's all fake.
So they show off this type of ideal
lifestyle of travel and food and expensive clothes
and gifts.
That has now an impact on this a
Muslim or any family trying to correct their
way in terms of their marriage.
I will let the sheikh add some words
but I just wanted to say something that
is very important as it relates to social
media.
There's absolutely no doubt that it's causing a
huge strain at the very least on our
relationship if not causing them to get destroyed
outright because comparison is the destroyer of joy.
Constantly comparing yourself to others and what you're
comparing yourself with is not even real.
It's not real.
You'll go on social media I'm sure you've
all seen this.
There's a couple they're making food and they're
doing this and they're doing that and then
the wife is looking at this.
Why don't you do this for me?
And the husband may see something.
Why don't you do this?
And you're constantly comparing your spouse to people
and the sad thing is they're actors.
This is an act.
Sometimes you see these reels.
I'm sure you've seen it.
Someone.
And then you see them.
They wake up.
You know you woke up.
You got dressed.
You set the camera up.
You went back to bed and now you're
pretending to wake up at this time.
But we sometimes shut our brains off and
we are comparing these little things.
This is the food that's being cooked in
this home.
Why are you not cooking food like this?
This is the type of desserts that are
being made.
Why are you not doing this?
The sister went to holiday four or five
times.
You haven't taken me out of the country
for the last five years.
This is causing a lot of strain in
our relationships.
So what's the advice?
Stop following other couples and people online.
You have no business following.
They are not teaching you anything new.
You're not benefiting from them.
And you may say, yeah sheikh, it's just
entertainment.
No, it's not.
It's causing you harm.
And also for those of you that are
putting yourself online, be afraid of hasad.
If what you're putting out there is genuine,
people will put an evil eye on you.
No need to put the good that Allah
has given you for the whole world to
see.
In other words, social media is causing a
lot of problems.
Those of us that are viewing it, we
are constantly belittling what we have.
Those homes look bigger than our homes.
Those food looks much more tastier than our
food.
And now all of a sudden, we don't
appreciate anything anymore.
No wonder we're constantly fighting and not smiling.
You don't appreciate anything anymore.
How do you avoid this?
Delete and stop following those type of accounts,
number one.
Number two, stop appreciating what the person is
doing that is next to you.
When you're constantly on the phone, you don't
see what you have at home.
Maybe less screen time is good advice for
all of us as well.
My sisters, do not compare your husband with
what you see online.
My brothers, do not compare your wife with
what you see online.
Often it is fake.
Often they are actors.
And even if they weren't fake and they
weren't actors, what business do you have comparing
someone to someone else?
Say alhamdulillah what Allah has given you and
be grateful.
What does Allah say?
If you are grateful, I will increase for
you.
And I'll conclude here.
Maybe the sheikh wants to add something.
May Allah bless you.
The sheikh has an idea that he wants
to share.
May Allah bless you.
May Allah bless you.
Again, may Allah bless you, sheikhs.
We will conclude there inshallah because our uncle
is waiting to make the adhan.
May Allah bless you.
I bear witness that there is no god
but Allah.
I ask forgiveness and I repent to Him.
May Allah's peace, mercy, and blessings be upon
you.