Mustafa Abu Rayyan – 01 The Sacred Relationship Of A Husband & Wife
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AI: Transcript ©
Assalamu alaikum warahmatullahi wa Barakat Let
me try and repeat that Assalamu alaikum,
Allah
alhamdulillahi. Rabbi Raila mean wabihi Nasta in wa Allahu, yawad
Deen wala akbarna, ILA, ala wali mean wa SallAllahu, WA Salaam
ayina Muhammad, wa ala alihi wa sahabihi ajmerain
Inshallah, Utah. Allah today is the first of a series of lectures
that will all revolve around the family,
and our families and our homes are extremely important to us. It is
where we find our happiness, our rest, our tranquility, and not
only that, my brothers and sisters, it is our homes that can
potentially make or break our akhirah.
It is our homes that could potentially make or break our
akhirah. May Allah allow us to be among those that make it in
akhirah and go to Jannah. Now, the title of the lecture that was
given was the best joy in the world, the sacred relationship of
your husband and wife.
Now,
inshaAllah Allah, what I hope to talk about is that relationship.
What does it mean to be husband and wife, and what does it mean to
have a happy home,
and what does it mean to be a successful home? And what we will
be looking at inshaAllah is, of course, where we always look
towards when we want to find guidance, the book of Allah
subhanahu wa and the sunnah of our beloved blessed Muhammad,
sallAllahu, alaihi wasallam. Now
we find when read the Quran, Allah subhanahu wa tells us that He has
created us in pairs,
man and woman, male and female. And this is Allah subhanahu wa
divine wisdom. And when He created us in pairs, he made us in need of
each other's companionship, a.
That is the story of man when Allah, Subhanahu wa created
Prophet Adam. Allah created from Adam, his wife and our mother,
Hawa.
And when Allah mentions the reasons why he created her, Leah's
quna, ilayha, so that he Adam finds tranquility in her Hawa, a
man needs a woman and a woman needs a man, and that's how it's
always been, and that house always going to be. And there is
something in that relationship that cannot be replicated
elsewhere.
There is something in that relationship between a man and a
woman, between a husband and a wife, that cannot be replicated or
substitute it with anything else. Your friends are your friends,
your siblings are your siblings, your parents are your parents. And
each one of these are important, and each one of these is a certain
type of relationship, and it adds to you, but none of them can be
replicated or be a substitution for the relationship between a man
and a woman, and that's how Allah subhanho wa Taala has made us. We
are in need of each other. We complement each other, and to be
able to complement each other, to be able to be that source of
happiness and joy for each other, we have to also look at the
instruction manual that came with man and woman Allah subhanahu wa
didn't only just create us and tell us, Halas, that's it, but
there's a lot of instructions that you will find through the prophet
sunnah and through the Quran that explains to you what does the
model Muslim household, And particularly, I'm now talking
about a relationship between a husband and wife. Hopefully, in
further lectures, there will be others such as when children are
involved, and what the rights of children, and what does that look
like in future talks and lectures,
may Allah subhanho wa Taala grant us joy and happiness in our homes.
You will find Allah subhanho wa Taala
when he speaks about
the the ayats that we read every Jumaa, and also the ayat that we
read before any kah has done, this is known as the hubatul Haja ya ha
na SUTA or bakumu Levy. Halaq akumina sin Wahida wa halaq Amin
hazaw Jaha,
this is read before every Nikah, before every new home is made, it
is read. And there is hikma in this, in it are wisdoms that will
help you ensure that your home becomes one that is stable, joyful
and tranquil Allah subhanahu wa starts with it. Have fear of your
Lord ita or Rabun, be countries of Allah, my sister, my brother, if
you want to be a mother, husband and a mother wife number one, be
conscious of Allah, Subhanahu, WA Allah. It is your consciousness of
Allah that will aid you in being upright. It will aid you in
ensuring that you do not act out in anger. It will aid you in not
being oppressive. It will aid you in not lying. It will aid you in
so many things. Why? Because you are conscious of Allah, Subhanahu
wa. So immediately, if you're someone that is not conscious of
Allah, if he's someone that does not fear Allah, then shaytaan will
enter your home, and all of a sudden you'll see that you're just
on a downward spiral. So taqwa, that's the key components. What
are the key components of a model household? Taqwa,
be pious. Work on your piety.
And that Allah, among the things Allah subhanahu mentioned, this is
wala kamin, abujalan, Kathir aun isa wa, tallah agala mentions be
pious in Allah Kumar aqiba, indeed, Allah is watching you. So
remember my brother and sister is that Allah subhanahu wa is
watching you and how you are dealing with your wife, my sister,
Allah is watching you and how you are dealing with your husband. So
understand that this is not a relationship that is only between
two people. Never Are you just two who's always there, who's always
watching Allah subhanahu wa used to use this it Abu lahafi Nisa
fear Allah regarding your wives, because this helps you ensure that
you do not fall victim to your worst impulses and instincts. We
all have bad impulses. What will aid you in not falling into that
fear? Allah, number one then ya haladina, amanutta, Allah. Oh, you
who believe fear Allah. How many Salah rabbins? Wa Ulu sadida?
Now what you're saying?
Be careful of how you speak. Watch your tone, watch your statements.
Oh, Allah.
Allah, if I watch my statements, and if I watch how I speak, and I
say the best words, and I act upon the verse, say to the people the
best of speech. If Allah is telling you, say to the people on
the outside the best of speech, what about your wife? What about
your husband? If Allah said, is the Prophet saying a good word, is
a charity. This is even more so for the one that is the closest to
you. Allah has promised us something. If we do that, if we
guard our tongue, if we guard our tongues and ensure that we say the
best thing possible to our wives and our husbands. Allah says, if
we do that, what happens? Allah
will rectify your actions.
Allah will rectify your actions. Allah will rectify your marriage.
Allah will rectify your Salah. Allah will rectify relationships.
You will not be perfect. You will have shortcomings. Allah will
forgive you for that. Guard your tongue, and this is just a
mukhadam I wanted to give because this, because these Ayas are
recited before any I felt it was appropriate to be recited here as
well and call upon us in the mindset. Remember, in the end of
the day, marriage is an act of worship. Allah is watching you. So
along the first steps the ABCs of marriage is fear. Allah regarding
your spouse. Tahir,
when Allah subhanho wa Taala was describing a marriage, he gave us
certain components of a marriage, wamin ayatihi and halakhala come
first Allah says, wamin yatihi and halakhala, kumin and fusikum as
wajah. And from Allah, signs from the things that when you look at
it, it reminds you of Allah. SubhanaHu. WA has created from you
wives Allah has created for you and from you wives, because Hawa
came from Adam. Why, oh, Allah
and what was the purpose? Wa ja Alaba, Ina Kum and Allah has put
between you affection and love mawada.
Mawada is a higher level of love. The English language is somewhat
the AB band compared to the Arabic language. You know, in the English
language, you have love, and that's it. In the Arabic language,
to describe love, there's at least 10 verbs.
Each one. There's a different connotation.
Mahadda is a type of love where you're willing to sacrifice
everything for that person. It is a type of love where you're
willing to do everything for that person. It's a type of Love Where
You prioritize that person over yourself. Mawada Allah is
promising us when we are married. Allah, places between you two,
between husband and wife. Mawada, Maja,
Alaba, Ina kumma, WADA Allah has put in between you. Mawada, now
Allah, putting it in between you does not mean it's going to last.
Going to last. It's a seed that will require watering. You'll have
to work on it. It is a candle that can go out. But Alhamdulillah,
Allah, the Most Merciful, has placed love between the couple. Is
that IDI, Allah, no wa rahma and mercy. Mawat,
right? Allah, promises these two things. Mum, before the Allah
mentions that it is also Sakinah.
Let us kunu ilayha. Liteskunu ilayha, why have I given you wives
and partners so that you may find tranquility and joy a young man
and a young woman, they don't really find that tranquility and
stability in life until they get married. Once they get married, I
am settled. You know that? Why I am settled? Alhamdulillah, right?
I am settled. I am tranquil. And between us is love and mercy.
Tahir, in this ayah, something is not mentioned that is key for a
marriage. And we have to ask of Ya Allah, why did you not mention
this? It's mentioned the Sunnah is mentioned in other places, and
it's really important, but Allah did not mention it here. What is
that, rights and responsibilities? Isn't that really important in a
marriage? Does the wife not have certain rights? Yes, she does.
Does the husband not have rights? He does. Why is Allah not talking
about the rights and the responsibilities? Because the
rights and responsibility will be there automatically. If you have
mawatha rahma,
it doesn't have to be said. It goes without saying.
This is why a tell sign that your marriage is Rocky is that the
whole thing becomes, I want my rights. You haven't given me my
rights. This is your responsibility. Once you get
there, and it becomes, let's take off the right and responsibility
and compare notes. You haven't done this, I haven't done that.
And it becomes, like, like a trade deal, like a trade deal. This is
not the model marriage. The Model marriage is one where these things
happen naturally and they are beautified. The rights are still
there, right? The husband is still providing. The wife is supporting,
taking care of the children. She's doing hers, she's doing his. They
are making themselves available for each other. Everything is
going fine, but it's coming from a place of love and mercy, another
place of having a job. Today. No, you haven't have you.
Human rights? No, it's been three lights. It's not like that. It's
not like that. That's not how it's supposed to be. Which is why, when
you do go, let's say, problems happen, and then a judge comes.
When you get the judge involved, he doesn't look at love and mercy.
That's nice job. He's going to look at what the finer details it
has been stipulated in the contract, X, Y and Z, that's what
he's going to look at. But your house should not be like that. It
should be natural. It should be hub. It should be a relationship
that is built on hub first that you want to fulfill your
responsibilities, you want to fulfill her rights, and vice
versa. Shalom. Taala. What I want to, Inshallah, to Allah, go
through here is after reading a few more ayat in the Quran to kind
of put in the mindset, I want to inshaAllah go through some
principles and that we can apply in our day to day life, that will
inshaAllah aid us in elevating our homes to the way it should be
based on the Sunnah.
Let's start with the DUA Allah teaches in the Quran, the ibad or
Rahman. The iba Rahman, are a praised category of people in
suraq, where Allah talks about the kind of people that they are. WA
iba Rahmani led many characteristics of these people,
may Allah make us among them. Say, I mean among them is
SubhanAllah. You know, this has become a regular occurrence. I
think every class that I do, there is one interruption. Nothing
against you, but brother. But brothers. Be please be careful in
how you park. Inshallah, this is, I don't know what type of car it
is, but the license plate is, m is a Jaguar, MK 12. MK 12, my brother
or sister, may Allah, Subhanahu wa forgive you, brothers, just be
mindful, right? As Muslims, we try our best to not inconvenience
other people. Hafna, jamiyan, where was I? The Ibadah Rahman,
the DUA Allah says Luna. And there are also those that say habla na
Amin azina, waduriatina or Rata aun, Oh Allah, grant us regarding
our children our wives, make them what into the coolness of our
eyes. Ya Allah, make our wives or our spouses vice versa, that when
we look upon them, they fill us with happiness and joy, and they
become the coolness of our eyes, not
just our wife, but also our children. This dua, what are you
being taught here? Number one? Aim for that aim to get to a level in
your relationship. When you look upon your wife, you are happy,
when she looks upon her, when you my sister, when you look on your
husband, you are happy. He fills you with joy, and you fill him
with joy. And not only that, your children as well. And make that
dua, find that in Surat Quran and make that dua tahib, Allah,
Subhanahu wa the element of love here is important, by the way, we
already mentioned love
when Allah was describing the household, right? Mawat,
love and mercy, when Allah was describing the hula een and
Jannah.
Allah called them uruban, uruban at Rabbah. Now this is really
important, brothers, you have to consider my sisters as well. Pay
attention to this when Allah was describing the woman folk in
Jannah, the wives in Jannah. And that includes, that includes the
faithful, righteous sisters that lived in dunya, that when they
die, they go to Jannah, they will be urube means what extremely
affectionate and loving,
extremely affectionate and loving. In other words, my brothers and my
sisters, it's important that we exhibit affection and love in our
marriage, and it doesn't become something that you shy away from,
but something that you actively practice. You try your best. And
we will look at the Sunnah of the Prophet. We will look at the
Sahaba, and you will see them doing that, putting the work in.
This is not something that you shy it is something you do remember
you have to war to the plant of love. Allah already gave you the
seed. Allah says, Allah put between you, mawatana, Rahma. But
that that Allah has placed between you, you need to put the work in,
and you need to try and emulate. When Allah described the woman of
folk in Jannah, they are Ruben, meaning mahu. They are, they make
themselves very affectionate to their husbands, if that's Allah
has prepared for you in Jannah, my sisters, if that is the woman from
Jannah, then that is what you need to aim for. And the same goes for
our brothers as well. There's a Hadith of the Prophet described
the greatest joy in this world is a righteous woman the Prophet
described it is the one that when you look at her makes you happy,
the one that when you look at her makes you happy, and she's also
the one that when you are away from her, she guards herself and
she guards her husband's wealth. So we have to remember that my
brothers and sisters, the first, the first,
if you will, thing.
I will aid your marriage. Is a tafa to truly understand each
other. This is so important. Ask yourself this question, how well
do I understand my spouse? And what does it mean to understand
your spouse? It means that you know their strengths, their
weaknesses, that you know their desires, their wishes, their
hopes, and you know what they want from you. You know what they hope,
you know what they like, you know what they're good at, and then you
use that information, and that will only come my brothers and
sisters through communication. Rasulullah knew his wives. He knew
I'll give you an example, the Prophet sallallahu, one day said
to our mother, Aisha Ra, I know when you're upset with me,
subhanAllah, she's upset with the Prophet sallallahu, sallam, but
the Prophet of Allah.
But it shows you that he is our Prophet, and he is also her
prophet, but he's also her husband. And what that tells you
is it's very natural that two people that are married will
sometimes make each other. What upset? But the prophet Salla said,
I know when you're upset with me. And he says, How do you know this,
oh messenger of Allah? And he said, when you're upset with me,
when you want to swear by Allah, you say, by the Lord of Ibrahim.
What Rabbi Ibrahim? But when you're happy with me, you say,
what? Rabbi Muhammad, right? How did she say to the Prophet one
day, by the way, when I'm upset, I do this or that, or was he being
observant? He was being observant. From this, the lesson you learn
number one is, be observant of your spouse. What is it that
angers them? And if, for example, your wife doesn't like certain
things, maybe you leave the dishes somewhere and she asks you to put
it in dishwasher. In dishwasher. Maybe this is what you know this.
If you know this, then why are you adding fuel to the fire? Shaitaan
wants to lit. Think about this right now, each one of us, Hashem,
I'm talking to the brothers now, each one of us, I know you know
because I know certain things that will annoy my wife. I know this
part of being someone that understands their other half is to
know these are the things they don't like these until they don't
like to hear then don't do those things. Get them off the table.
Work on yourself, and that's how you work on your marriage. My
sister, the same thing goes for you as well. Tafa, who does not
only mean my brothers and sisters, that we understand each other in
relation to what really bothers us, but also what we love and what
we enjoy.
What is it that she likes? What is it your husband likes? Maybe your
husband, when he comes to work, he likes to come home to a certain
situation. How often are you creating that situation, right?
How often my sister, are you creating a situation that your
husband, you know what he likes, something as small as the food he
likes,
something as small as the fragrance she likes,
making sacrifices knowing what your spouse rasulallahu alaihi
wasallam would do this often. He would know what this his spouses,
and each person is different. Each person is different. One of the
benefits of the far home is also to understand each other's values.
What are some of the things that for you are are read that you
can't accept, communicate that early on, and my sisters and my
brothers communicate and ask each other, what are some of the things
that cannot happen. And then you know,
you know what angers them, and you know what makes them happy.
You know what they like. You know what they don't like. This
information, if you don't know this, and you've been married for
four years, five or six years, then what are you doing? My
sister, what are you doing? My brother? This is extremely
important in understanding each other, understanding each other's
weaknesses, and then supplementing that. For example, it could be the
one sister, but that, Allah, she is not good at cooking, my
brother, why did you marry
her? No, no, this is, this is this is not fair. This is not fair. But
look, maybe she's not good at cooking, and that's her weakness,
okay? Or maybe the husband, the man, he's not an expressive
person. That's his weakness. Now, are you meant to forever have that
weakness or work on it? You're meant to work on it. You're meant
to work on it. But at the same time, when you know your spouse is
not particularly good at this aspect, what are you meant to do?
Have exhar You already know this. You already know this. So you
increase the sabar a little bit.
I know, I know that you're not good at this, and you increase the
forgiveness and the sabar in that regard, because we are human
beings. We're not perfect. We're not perfect. My sister, when your
husband married you, what part of why he married you is so that you
can compliment him and his weaknesses, and he's meant to
compliment you and your weaknesses. When Allah described
us, Allah says, hunali Basu,
you are like garments to each other.
What do garments do? What do our clothes do? Number one, they
protect us from the elements. It.
It's hot, if it's too hot, or if it's too cold, clothes protect
you. That's what the relationship should be like, one where we
conceal and protect each other, support each other. What else do
garments do? They beautify you. So this relationship should beautify
you. That means, if you have flaws in your character, that your
spouse is there to uplift you, and vice versa.
So it's important that my sister and my brother, you understand
your spouse, you understand her weaknesses and her strengths, her
flaws, her character, everything. Part of understanding I was going
to speak keep this until the end of the lecture, but I'll bring it
in now. Part of understanding each other is to understand how we
express to each other that we love each other, because people do not
express that the same way. Now, what is the most common way to
express the love to each other is to say it is a verbal expression
right now is that the only way? No, it's not. And some people it's
difficult for them, or you don't do it often, or it means not much
to them. They are there are different people, and they
respond, they express some call it languages, the way they express
hub and mawada is different. It may be that you married a woman
and she expresses her love to you through acts of service.
She's cooking and she's cleaning and she's doing all of these
things, and that's how she shows you that she loves you, but you're
the kind of person that needs to hear it. You need to hear
JazakAllah for working all day. You need to hear thank you for
being a good husband. You need to you want you, but maybe that's not
her. And then what happens is, you're like this woman,
something's wrong with her, something's wrong with her. She
never thanks me, and she's been hoovering all day and cleaning all
day, and her mind, she's saying, this is he's the guy. I love him,
but she's into her actions. But you don't know that, because you
don't know how she accesses and my sister, you have no idea that he's
starting to feel some turmoil because he doesn't see what you're
doing, because he thinks that's just you fulfilling a right. He
wants to hear it and will lie as people are different. It's
fascinating when you speak to people the way we receive love and
the way we express it. Some people, they want a physical
touch, a hug, a kiss. This is what they want. And then maybe that's
not how you express so the husband comes in and you know what he
does? He said, he thinks to himself, you know what? Let me
unload the dishwasher. You know let me she was working all day.
You know what? I'll put the kids to bed. He's doing acts of
service. What does she want? She wants a kiss on the forehead.
Or she wants maybe a reminder that he loves her. Maybe she wants the
gifts. So how can you solve that? By communicating, asking, what is
it the best way? When do you feel the most loved, when you do this,
when you do that, and then you realize that my brother, pen and
paper, do your homework, understand and then express that
Wallahi, that's how you water the seed that Allah already planted
between you, which is rabbi, love and
at the same time, look towards how your spouse is expressing because
if someone, one of the ways that our sisters don't appreciate is
the husband that's working all day spending all day, that's his way
of expressing that he cares and loves for you, and you should
appreciate that. And also, same goes for the brothers as well,
that although it's important to understand each other's love
languages, if you will, it's just as important to appreciate if the
person has a way of expressing it. It may be not the way you would
like, but still appreciate it. This aids, inshallah to Allah in
adding hope and to the home.
Another point that I want to share my brothers and sisters, is it's
extremely important that we forgive each other a lot. You will
transgress upon each other. No doubt. You will not fulfill each
other's rights all the time, no doubt, and when that happens, it
is of the utmost important that you have a heavy dose of
forgiveness in your home, let things go. Every single ayah and
every single Hadith that talks about brotherhood in Islam, every
single Hadith that encourages us to pardon each other, to forgive
each other, it is actually also applied to the home. Often when we
hear this in the brothers, indeed, the believers are all brothers and
rectified, we think the brothers. You think outside the house, your
wife is number one. Your husband is number one. When you hear the
Ayat of forgive each other, let go. A lot of Ibu na yakarla,
halakum, do you not want Allah to forgive you? Your wife? Your
husband comes first, all of His ayahs that you see when Allah
says, well, All ULINE say to these people, the best speech your wife
and your husband comes first. It's important that we understand that
when it comes to forgiving and overlooking, this is something
that is extremely important. Don't focus.
On the details. Don't focus on the details, my brothers and sisters,
because if you start looking towards the details, you're going
to see a number of flaws. You spend a lot of time with each
other, at least I hope so. You spend a lot of time with other.
And when people spend a lot of time with each other, this
actually happens with coworkers as well. It happens with with
coworkers. It happens with with wives. It happens roommates, but
you spend a lot of time with each other. It's not the same as when
you meet some friends outside, and sometimes what happens is you go
out with your friends, or you spend some time with your friends,
and it's all banter and joy and happiness and relaxation, and
you're talking about whatever is happening in the world, and you're
having a good time, and when you come home, that's not the case,
because what's happening is that when you were your friends, it's
just about that, and you actually don't spend a lot of time
together,
but when you see each other every day, you start to notice the
little flaws. You started to notice, oh, okay, slippers here.
Okay. This has ever happened. I've asked you few times you forgot
this, you forgot that, and you start lazy and focusing on the
details this will slowly eat away at your marriage. What do you want
up you want to do the act of tarafull, what is the RAF you
overlook? Many of the things you overlook, many of the things try
your best to overlook them. Because did you marry a perfect
person? Allah, he didn't. And it's important that if you make
everything an issue, then that will start to erode the foundation
of the marriage. Don't make everything an issue. Let certain
things go, maybe. And this inshaAllah, with this forgiveness,
Allah, will show you with more mercy. So the point I want here is
you need a heavy dose of and if you did the first one, what was
the first one? Understanding each other when you already understand
the person's flaws, their weaknesses, their strengths, how
they express love, where they need to work on. And if all of this,
then it's going to be easy for you to let things go, because, you
know, okay, this is the weakness I understand. I'll have more. SABR,
this is very important.
We also need to understand as families, that, and this is
important. This is an Islamic principle, generally speaking,
right? How often in Islam do we focus on the individual more? Not
a lot.
Often we look at each other as community. We pray together. We
start our Ramadan together. We pray, read together. We are looked
at as we the Muslim community. The Prophet taught us, if one of us is
in harm's way, then we all should be feeling the same pain. The
famous Hadith, right? If one of the part of the Ummah is hurting,
we are all what up in fever and pain. This empathy is not is
again, needs to be in the home as well. What that means is that we
consider ourselves as we not i It's not your home, my brother,
and it's not your home. My sister, it's not your car and it's not her
car. You have to have the language of we. We need to do this. We need
to improve. We need to worship. We be a team. Be a team, and
remember, you can only be a team. You can only be a team if there is
something that is reuniting you and that has already been
established before you even came together. You had a goal in mind.
Each one of us here, my brothers and sisters, each one of us here,
we have a goal. What is our ultimate goal? What is the
ultimate goal of brothers, Jannah and the pleasure of who Allah,
subhanho wa taala. So you came into this marriage with that goal
in mind. You both need to be working towards that goal. You
both need to be working towards that goal. And that means, now,
what is the point of being a unit if you're not going to behave like
one? So we, the married couple. Have to work towards our goals in
deen and Dunia. We have to save, we have to move. We have to plan
hijra, for example. We have to this helps ensure that you are a
unit rather than i. I it's important that you see each other,
because, look, is divorce halal? Yes. Do you want to end up there?
No, the more you see each other as one unit. And when children come,
all of you are one unit. And with parents, this, this inshaAllah, it
aids in the stability of the marriage. It's a small thing, but
Wallahi, actually, it's a big thing, my brothers and sisters,
among the things that you need to focus on that will aid you in
having a good and a strong marriage is good speech.
It's good speech
this. Remember we said Allah plants the seed of love in the
marriage before it's even made. Wa jal abana, the
Prophet also taught us certain things that will aid in ensuring
that love
continues. Our Beloved Prophet saw them said,
Taha do tahabu, for example, two words, one of these, I just
memorize, tahadu.
Kahabu, give each other gifts, and you will love each other. Give
each other gifts, and you will love one another. So immediately,
an action plan for both of you is to start regularly giving each
other gifts. It doesn't have to be something big, it could be
something small, and each one of us appreciates gifts, some more
than others, no doubt, some more than others, but each one of when
was the last time my sister you bought a gift to your husband?
When was the last time I brought my brother that you bought a gift
for your wife? And it could be something creative, it could be
something expensive, it could be something cheap. It doesn't matter
that. It's a thought that counts. Get into the habit the herdu, the
Habu. This is an instruction of your Prophet, salallahu alaihi
wasallam number one, and also, and this is the point I was trying to
make, where all ruli Nasir Husna, right, Al qliiba, the Prophet
salallahu alayhi wa sallam
told us that the importance of giving each other Salam and that
will increase the love the Prophet sallam said, None of you will go
to Jannah until you believe, and
none of you will believe until you love one another. Shall I show you
something? If you do it, will you will love one another? Yes, O
Prophet of Allah. F Shu salaam, spread the salam and the greeting.
Now I want you to think about this. The Prophet is promising us
that if we spread the salam, we will love each other, and if we
love each other, we will believe, and if we believe, we will go to
Jannah. Apply this every Hadith and every ayah that you see that's
applying on brotherhood and spreading of love also applies to
your home. So when you come into your home, give salaam now here,
there's something I want to highlight. What happened to us is
we almost took away as Muslims, and this is everyone's guilty of
this. We removed the meaning of Salaam Alaikum from Salaam
Alaikum. What does Salaam Alaikum mean? What
does it mean, brothers? Does it does it mean hello?
Does it mean hello? But in it, that's how isn't it true? That's
how it Salaam Alaikum, salam, hello, hi. That's how we treat it.
But what does Salaam Alaikum actually mean? May peace be upon
you. What does Allah mean and the mercy of who Allah, Subhanahu, wa
I want you to think about this, right? Someone comes to answer to
you, may the peace of Allah Abu Asmaa, Asmaa al hafima, have show
you mercy. Oh, Jesus, man, but you feel different. Allah makes
someone next door for you. Isn't that true?
Imagine you leave the Masjid. You see someone, salaam alaikum.
Salaam Warahmatullah. If you think of the meaning, how many times a
day are people asking Allah or creator to shower you with mercy,
and they are and it's meant to be a DUA. But when is dua not a DUA,
when you don't think of it as a DUA, when is dua not a DUA, when
you don't think of it as a DUA? Do you think that when you give
people salah, you make a dua for them? Raise your hands if that
doesn't cross your mind. And let's be fair, raise your hand that it
doesn't cross your mind that you're making dua. It happens to
all of us, my brothers, imagine you change that now because
Wallahi, look at the Prophet statement spread Salam. What he
means by that is spread the making of dua for each other, sincerely,
regularly when you see each other, and that will ensure that you love
each other.
Does it make more sense? Now I remember someone like we say the
whole time I don't see no love increasing. That's because you're
just saying it. Yay. You're just saying it. So
what? So when you're so now, what I want as an action for all of you
is
allow the meaning of Salaam, Wa Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa
Barakatuhu, allow that to be at the forefront of your mind when
you're giving salam number one, number two. The spirit of it is to
make dua for each other and to shower each other with prayers and
dua. And do that when you see your spouse,
you are beautiful. May Allah make you more beautiful.
You have you're raising my children for me. May Allah,
Subhanahu wa each other do it in front of her, my sister. May die
for your husband. You provide for us. May Allah bless your wealth
for us. May we both go to Jannah together. Is extremely important
that, and also, of course, the regular Salam as well, the son of
Salam, another one, my brother and sister, is quality time. I
find it fascinating. You know, if you look at our Prophet,
sallAllahu,
Rasoolallah, sallallah married 11 times,
and
he had nine wives at 1.9
wives at one point,
when he prays for jak Sabha, he would spend some time with
Sahabah. He would teach them, he would speak to them, and then he
would take some time, and he would visit each one of his wives and
spend time with them.
He is not a normal ram.
Gila person like we are. He is the prophet of Allah. He has the
responsibility of the entire ummanish soldiers. He was a
governor, he was a teacher, he was a prophet, he was spiritual
leader. He was the Imam. He was everything. The whole community is
waiting for him. Yet he was willing to spend time and sit with
his wives
and talk with them and talk to them about jivio stuff. Sometimes
he had SABR with them and he spent time. Look, you will never be as
busy or as important as rasulallah, no matter how much,
how much of a career you think you have. My brother Wallahi, you're
not. And I want you to think about rasulallahu, alayhi wa sallam. An
example is a example is when the habasha, the Abyssinians, they
came, and they were, they were, interestingly enough, they were
playing their Olympic time type games in the masjid, throwing
spears and acrobatics in the masjid of the Prophet sallallahu
alayhi salam, and the Sahaba guided around them, and they were
watching, right the Sahaba Quran and the watching which is
happening in the masjid of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa
sallam. And then the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam,
salallahu alaihi salam realized that it was only the Sahaba that
could see this. And the Prophet home, his house was adjacent to
the masjid, and there was a door you could enter from the Prophet
sallallah. Walked to his door, he opened it, and he allowed his
wife, Aisha, to also view and when the Prophet walked through the
door, of course, people will disperse so that he can have a
line of sight what's happening. And that Sayyidina, Aisha,
radiAllahu anha, our mother, Aisha, she said, the Prophet,
salallahu Alam, he allowed me. He took his cloak and covered me with
it, and he allowed me to look at the place that were happening in
the masjid. And she said I had to tiptoe. And I put my neck, my chin
on his shoulder, and I was watching. And then at some point I
got tired of it. May Allah subhanahu wa got tired of it, but
I wanted to see how long the prophet would stand for me. So I
continued watching and Allah. He did not move. He let me continue.
He's the Prophet of Allah, but he's willing to ensure there is
some quality time and some fun and some relaxation. Is with his
spouse. His wife, the same thing goes for us, my brothers, sisters.
It doesn't matter my brother, it doesn't Yes, you have
responsibilities, you have bills to pay, you have meetings. Yes,
you have important matters, but make the time for your spouse.
Make the time for your spouse. Rasulallah is seen racing with his
wife. Rasulallah is seen Stopping, stopping a whole caravan that was
traveling, you know, the camels. This is very interesting thing
about camels. You know, when you sing for camels, they travel
faster. There are certain type of singing that bedding do for the
camels, and when they do, they travel faster. And then there was
a particular as they were traveling, the prophet Safiya was
there with them, and hers was slow, and they keep speeding up,
and she can't keep up. And then the Prophet sallam said to the man
that was singing, he said, and then he was seen with Safiya as he
was wiping her tears away because she got upset. Rasulullah
sallallahu, alayhi wa sallam was very affectionate, right? And
there's no one more
masculine and no one more
compassionate than rasulallah. There was one time where he let he
kneeled for some of his wives to climb. Subhanallah, Subhanallah,
Rasoolallah, sallAllahu, alas, kneeling. And then one of his
wives, or mothers, is stepping on his thigh to go and climb her
Mount salalahu, alayhi, wa sallam. This, my brothers, is again, it is
this type of affection that we need to have a lot more in our
homes. Take lead from the Prophet sallam. See how he was behaving
and behave similarly.
Another thing that will aid in increasing the love in our homes
is Al iba al Jamar, to worship Allah together, to worship Allah
together, my brothers and sisters as husbands and wives, we have to
worship Allah together, and we have to encourage to worship
Allah, Subhanahu wa. So next time that you're planning on giving
Sadaqah, involve your husband. Involve your wife. Do it together.
Make it a group effort.
Pick days that you fast and make IQ together, fast together, break
fast together, pray together, wake each other for qayyam, it is that
ribada That if you do Allah subhanahu wa bless your home even
more so among the key components of a blessed and a sacred home is
lots of Ibadah that is being done from both sides. The Prophet,
sallAllahu, Sallam a dua for those for the woman. The Prophet made
dua for the spouse and the woman that wakes up at night to worship
Allah and pray
and wakes her husband up and when he refused.
This, she puts water on his face to make sure that he gets up and
prays. Why is she doing this? Because she wants Jannah for him,
and Allah, the Prophet, made dua for the man does the same as well.
So among the key components my brother and sisters is making dua
for each other and making it often
another one my brothers and sisters is that we need to look at
is that
we understand
the rules
and the laws
of marriage. There are certain rights and responsibilities. I
haven't really stressed them until now. And often, when we are
talking about marriage, you talk about them. These are the rights
and these responsibilities. Why have I not speaking about that
until now? Because if you do everything else, if your tone is
right, if you're you're talking in the best way possible, if you're
forgiving each other, if you're overlooking the flaws, if you're
understanding each other, if you're worshiping together, if you
are spending quality time together, if you do if you're
giving each other gifts, if you're doing all of this, then I
guarantee you the right responsibility will also be
fulfilled. But let's highlight the rights and responsibilities,
because of course, they do have their importance.
It is the right. It is the right of the wife to be provided for,
and provision means that she's provided for when it comes to what
they are, the eating and drinking and for spending on them, sorry,
spending on them, and also where they live. So where your wife
lives and what money she uses for her day to day is the
responsibility of the husband. Right provision is responsibility
of the husband.
What if she works?
Does that mean you have to pay her less. What if she owns a business?
Does that mean you spend on her less? What if she inherited a lot
of money from her family? Does that mean you spend on her less,
and how is that done?
First of all, the spending on the spouse is a responsibility of the
husband and a right of the wife. That being said, and this is very
important to understand. My understand. My sisters and my
brothers. Often, what happens is we have the rights very clearly
spelled out. Those rights are then the details of those rights are
looked at. We look into the culture of the community to
understand the details. What do you mean by this? For example, the
Sharia said the man has to spend on his wife. That's power of the
deen. Is that negotiable? It's not negotiable as in it's not
negotiable as a right, right. Then how much does he spend?
Is how much that the man spends on his wife in Indonesia going to be
the same as in London? Is
that going to be the same? Is it a standard? It is not. So how do we
determine how much should the husband be putting into his wife's
home, and how much should be spending on her? How do you
determine that, and where do we find that standard? It goes back
to the custom and the culture. So whatever customarily a husband
gives to his wife, in Indonesia, that's what the husband has to
give a wife. And he's Indonesia. And that will be different in
here. It'll be different in Africa. It'll be different
everywhere. Does that make sense? So in other words, you have the
the right here, then you have, how do we find the details of how that
is done? You look at what, at the culture, then there's a third
layer. And that third layer is the home and the couple themselves,
what they agree upon. What does that mean? So let's say there is a
couple, and they live in London. And normally in London, a woman
that is married, she gets X, Y and Z and right? And that's everyone
that is of similar age and of similar status and of similar
background. This is what they're getting right, and once that is
determined, that's her right, so far, so good, then if they
negotiate something different between themselves, I said, You
know what? I know this is my right. I know this what you have
to do, but because I have, because I work, or because I have some
amount of money, or because of this or the other, I don't need
this. I don't need you to do this, or I need more, and maybe the
husband can afford more. This negotiation happens in a vacuum,
where the couple are in and each home will be different, and that's
perfectly fine. Does that make sense? So there's three layers.
There's the right that is written in our deen, there is the details
that is understood in the custom, and then there is what the couple
agree upon themselves. Is that clear? That is how we have to
understand a lot of these things. But going back to the initial
right, the man has to spend on his wife, of course, he has to also
give her a dowry. Right before the marriage, has to give her a dowry.
That dowry can.
Be paid in installments. It can be repaid later. She can forgive it.
All of these are things that are looked at. So spending also the
right of leadership. We cannot have two drivers for a car, and
the leadership of the household is a burden given to the man.
And this is also what Allah, my sisters, the leadership of the
household has been burdened and given to the man. And this has to
mean something. This means that you are able to follow lead. And
each one of us, men and women in life, are put in, put in
situations where we have to follow the lead of someone else. Five
times a day, we are led by someone else regarding our what our salah,
and for the salah to look as amazing and beautiful and majestic
and organized it is, we have to follow what one leader when we
intend to work and clock in. There is a supervisor. There is a
leader. Is your supervisor better than you? No, does the fact that
he has that responsibility mean that it's automatically better?
No, often he has more stress. Often he has he's as much as he's
burdened with responsibility. It also comes with a lot of problems
and issues. The responsibility of leading the household has been
given to the man, and that means my brothers and sisters, my
brothers take that responsibility be the leader. Allah wants you
baby, my sisters, as wives, understand that role and be as
supportive. How many of you here? I'm assuming a lot of you work,
and even from our sisters and our brothers, you've managed teams.
You've managed teams. You manage people. Wallah, if they're not
working with you, you can't do your job, and everything falls
apart. And and you know, as much as we need to learn what it means
to be leaders and lead by example, it also means we need to learn
what it means to be a follower, what it means to empower someone
and aid someone to fulfill their responsibilities, the right of
leadership, the responsibility of leadership is given to the man.
That's a responsibility. Allah says, qu and Fusa Kumu ahali
Kumar, save your children and your spouses, your wives from the fire.
Whose responsibility is that is the husband the responsibility of
providing, taking care, all of that falls on the husband. Now
that with that responsibility of leaderships comes the right of
obedience. Now this is not something that must be abused. And
a lot of our sisters will say, Shaykh. The moment we say to the
guys that they have to be obeyed, they're going to abuse this right.
And this is, of course,
if you need to abuse that you haven't understood the first part
of the lecture, go back and watch the first part of the of the
lecture. But yes, just like sometimes, someone needs to have
the final say, someone needs to be in charge of the household, and
that is a responsibility given to the husbands, and that is our
dean. And there is nothing wrong with that. Another thing is, and
this is very important to appreciate, important to
appreciate understand, is that response, leadership and
responsibility from purely an Islamic perspective, is not just
seen as an honor, it is also seen as a burden. And as Muslims, we
when it comes to a woman folk, our priority is to unburden them, not
to burden them. If that makes sense, we don't want to send you
to the front lines. We don't want to send you to war. We don't want
to be distressing with big decisions or major decisions that
will have consequences. This is something that we like to unburden
you from, and Wallahi is also something that is many, many men
have been unburdened from, because this is why not all of us will be
put in positions to lead the community that's for the very
select few, and those select few May Allah aid them. This is what
the Prophet used to say, and this is something to be understood the
prophet to say, don't ask for leadership.
Don't look to believe in the community. Don't campaign for it.
In fact, anyone that campaigns for the Prophet, don't give it to
them. Who can tell me why? Why Why should you not give it to the one
that's campaigning for
it? Because, because that's also already a character flaw.
I'm the sheik, I'm the leader. I'm going to be in charge. That's
already a character flaw. Haillah, so rights, responsibility of the
man, provision second, of the man leadership, another responsibility
of the man is hustle muasharah To live with them in the best way
possible. Allah says, of course, another responsibility is to
fulfill the right of intimacy. The right of intimacy and physical
intimacy is what that one goes both ways, it goes both ways, and
each one has to fill the others right. Yet the Sharia and the deen
emphasized the man right more than the woman. Why is that? Because
Allah knows, and Allah created us, and it is often the man that is
asking more.
More than the woman, and this is something that Allah has created
us this way And subhanAllah. But does that mean that the woman does
not have they both have a right. So when it comes to physical the
physical aspect of it, this is a right for both and a
responsibility for both, a right for both and a responsibility for
both as well. Another
responsibility and upon them is that they do not
reveal that which happens in the household.
What are you to each other? Again? Did Allah say? What is example you
are? What to each other? Garments you are garments to each other. If
your jacket, your hijab, is revealing what's inside is not
doing its job. And if your husband is revealing what's happening in
the home, he's not doing his job. If the wife is revealing that
which is happening in the home, she's not doing a job. And often
it is through something that happened in the home that has been
spread outside that brings about problems and Shakil so God, each
other's privacy. This is a right that you have for each other as
well. So these rights have to be preserved and protected. These
rights have to be preserved and protected. My brothers and my
sisters. The wife has a right to be to be provided, to be provided
for. She has a right to be lived with in kindness. She has a right
for a home and a dwelling. She has a right to be honored. She has a
right for love and intimacy. All of these are her rights. And the
husband has a right for his leadership to be respected. He has
a right for intimacy. He has a right to be treated kindly, and he
has a right to and both of them have a right to be given that
which customarily where they are is given to each other, which will
change from place to place and time to time. That's another thing
they have to keep in mind. You have to actually look at, what
does a normal house, Muslim household in our area have,
because that will also change from one place to one place. One of the
mistakes that we do sometimes is we look at somewhere far away back
home, and we want the way that a couple and a marriage is there to
then this has to be exactly like that. No cultures change, and when
they change, we have to have some level of flexibility that comes
with that. Is that clear, everyone right? A couple in Saudia will not
live the same way than a couple in Nigeria or a couple in Bangladesh
or a couple in London. There are certain things they will all have
in common. That's in our deen. But when it comes to the custom, these
things change, and when they change, you have to be flexible
with them as well. Does that make sense? Everybody? Let me quickly
recap.
The first thing I said when I started the talk was, if we want
happy homes, we need piety and Taqwa. Itakallah, fear Allah
regarding your woman folk. Allah, the Prophet saw him, said, yayhan
as a Taqwa. RAB bucham, O mankind, Fear your Lord. If you don't have
taqwa, you won't be able to fulfill many of the commandments I
shared today. Fear Allah regarding your spouse. My sister, fear Allah
regarding your spouse. My brother, two, when it comes to rights and
responsibilities, before we get to them, ensure there's a heavy dose
of love and mercy in your home. And there are certain things that
will help that love and mercy to grow, that love and mercy that is
going that seed was planted by Allah subhanahu wa Allah, Allah
has placed in between you love and mercy, that love and mercy then
will be developed through actions, repeated actions and work. What
are those repeated actions and work? We mention number one is to
understand each other, understand each other's flaws, understand
each other's quirks, understand each other's
what angers them, what makes them happy, and then what do you do? If
certain things make your wife upset, you stop doing them less.
If certain thing makes them happy, you start doing it more. Each one
of us can do this. Allah is not hard. Each one of us can do this.
Then among the things is that we also understand how we love to
receive hope and love and how we express it. Ask yourself this
question, is my spouse one that loves acts of service more? If
that's the case, next time I'm home, I'm gonna do something
around the house and that will show her that I love her. Or is
she one that loves gifts more? Let me go and buy some gifts, or maybe
words of affirmation and appreciation, then I'll do that,
or whatever it is. And my sisters ask yourself the same thing. What
is it that my husband loves to see from me and you do that? And my
sister remember the Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa
sallam, where he said that the best woman is the one when her
husband looks upon her, he gets happy become that woman, and Allah
will love you more. Payee. Then we mentioned that you also look at
your speech, and you spread Salam, you spread love. You make dua for
each other, and you say the best words. The prophet had a nickname
for his wife. He had a pet name for her. Do the same. Why not? Why
not?
Right?
Change your tone for one night, and you'll see a lot of things
will change. Inshallah, small spark.
To fly gifts and changing your tone more rahma, rahma, rahma,
rahma, Rahma. Especially, I want to share an ayah. This ayah should
have shared it. This ayah is not about the spouse spouses, but it's
about general relationships. But what did I say? Every Hadith and
ayah that talks about strengthening relationships and
bonds between brothers that mention the Quran sunnah is
applicable what to the home as well. Every time you have a hadith
that talks about do this and we will love each other as a
community, it applies to the home first.
When Allah talks about the one that wrongs you, the one that
wrongs you, you do if abilities that you respond with that which
is better for either lady be in a cabana. William Hameed,
once, when someone wrongs, you respond with that which is better.
And when you do that, it is As if the one Allah work
to
Allah Nam Muhammad.