Musleh Khan – Life #14 Parenting is hard – HELP ME
AI: Summary ©
The speaker advises parents to navigate the conflict of parenting and integrating children into a culture that is foreign to their own. They suggest ways to counter the exposure of children to certain topics, including learning about Islamic values and balancing exposure with value. The speaker also advises parents to be mindful of mood swings and impressions and to use the message of Islam to teach children to handle stress and carry on legacy.
AI: Summary ©
Parenting
is hard. I need help.
For the parents out there,
I know what it's like.
You have children. You want the best for
your kids.
Some of us make the decision we're gonna
move to another country or another part of
the world and give our kids opportunities that
we didn't have.
There's just one problem.
It's a completely
different culture,
a different way of life. They're exposed to
different communities,
different temptations,
pressures.
The list is endless.
And then it creates a huge challenge.
There is a massive conflict.
Here you are as a parent, you're trying
to instill
certain values on your children,
but because of their environment
where they may go to school, the friends
that they have, the culture that they're being
brought up in,
it's completely
foreign to your own.
So constantly for the littlest things or even
the major decisions,
there is conflict and problems.
How do we navigate through this? How do
we fix that? There's a couple of things
that parents out there, I need you to
understand.
The first thing is wherever
you
uprooted your family and have gone to, so
you may have been born in one part
of the world,
but you're raising your children in a completely
different part of the world. You've got to
understand
that is not the choice of children.
That was the choice of you and me
as parents. We brought them to that environment.
We made that decision to bring them there.
And we also make the decision to integrate
them into that society and culture.
So, of course, it's completely natural
and it's inevitable
that they're going to adapt
those habits.
So how do you counter that? I mean
is this just a losing situation for us
the parents and we have to cope with
it?
No brothers and sisters.
Parents pay attention to a statement
of Ali radhiallahu an. He once said
we were taught, meaning the prophet
taught them.
We were taught to raise our children
different from how we were raised.
What does that mean?
It means parents you have to understand the
society that our kids are being brought up
in.
You've got to be involved
or at least aware
of some of the things that they're learning,
that they're hearing, that they're being exposed to
whether it be at school or with friends
or even
just simply online
on TV, the movies that they watch, the
shows that they watch. I mean, there are
so many sitcoms and shows out there that
are geared to just destroy family values.
So you've got to understand, like, they're gonna
spend hours a day watching this stuff and
internalizing
them. The natural consequence of that is you
start developing a very specific mindset
and you start to think the same way
of the person you saw on TV or
online.
So just keep in mind the first thing
is to understand what they're being exposed to.
So once you figure that out and you
understand, okay, this is the environment that they're
in,
immediately the second point kicks in.
How am I gonna address this?
Now I know that they're exposed to one
thing, but I need them to understand that
that's wrong, and these are the values that
I want them to be brought up in.
And, of course, the values that we want
for them are the Islamic values.
So the second thing, the way to counter
that is
you've got to try to balance the exposure
with something that can counter that exposure.
So if they're at school 8 hours a
day or 7 hours a day, then they
come home and they relax, they're locked up
in the room, they might be online for
a bit, they'll just be scrolling on on,
social media, you've got to remind yourself, wait
a minute,
I need to
counter
some of that exposure with something Islamic, something
beneficial.
So my first advice to you
parents out there
is to ensure that your children are enrolled
in weekly
sessions, weekly classes at your local masjid.
They have to have some exposure
and learning about their deen.
We cannot appreciate
anything unless we have knowledge of that thing.
How can they appreciate
what Islam has to offer if they're not
in an environment or a place where that
they can absorb and learn this deen. So
you've got to keep them engaged in learning
their deen.
The next point that can help is conversations.
I like to call this halakha time. This
is where when you're at the dinner table
or you're driving in the car you have
some alone time with your kids. Just ask
them questions. Show a little bit of personal
interest.
How was your day? So what'd you do
today? Who'd you talk to? How are your
friends? Or I noticed that, you know, you
look a little down today or you're a
little more quiet than usual.
If you can pay attention to some of
the mood swings and some of the impressions
that you get, something that you notice that's
a little off
and you ask about it, you notice it
and you address it,
it's very comforting
to know that
I don't have to say anything but mom
and dad notice something is wrong. And they
just asked me about it. They didn't judge
me.
They didn't say why do you look so
grumpy? Why are you talking this way? But
instead
you don't sound like this. You don't usually
talk this way. Are you okay? What's happening?
And try to spark some conversation.
No, I'm not asking you to be a
counselor.
I'm not asking you to be a therapist.
We're simply asking
just to pay some attention
to some of the differences or the things
that are unusual. And finally,
parents,
understand
that one of the names of children in
the Quran is actually fitna,
which means
they will be a test.
Parenting
is
hard.
It is challenging,
and only the parents who have children understand
how challenging parenting is.
So all the stress, all the sleepless nights,
all the arguments,
it's supposed to be there to an extent
because it's part of the challenge of you
learning to navigate
how to raise another human being, like that's
not an easy feat for anybody.
So understand that with those challenges
Allah will never burden you with something beyond
your capacity.
You have
what it takes to raise your children.
That's why Allah gave you these kids because
you have what it takes. Allah will not
put you
to raise children that are completely
impossible or out of your control.
But keep in mind one last thing,
and that is
everything
is decided by Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala. The
only thing that we can do as parents
is we strive to do our best to
give our children the best and hope and
pray that insha'Allah
they can absorb some of those values and
carry on that legacy,
carry on that tradition.
Our job, just like the prophet alaihis salatu
wasalam would say to his companions,
all we can do is just project the
message
to tell you, to teach you and hope
that insha'Allah
with that knowledge you make the right decision.
So may
Allah make it easy for you,
don't give up on your children,
strive to remind them and teach them no
matter how annoying you might sound, no matter
how fed up they might be, your job
protect yourself and your family from the fire.
Do your best and insha Allah leave the
rest with Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala. May Allah
make it easy for you.