Musleh Khan – Life #14 Parenting is hard – HELP ME

Musleh Khan
Share Page

AI: Summary ©

The speaker advises parents to navigate the conflict of parenting and integrating children into a culture that is foreign to their own. They suggest ways to counter the exposure of children to certain topics, including learning about Islamic values and balancing exposure with value. The speaker also advises parents to be mindful of mood swings and impressions and to use the message of Islam to teach children to handle stress and carry on legacy.

AI: Summary ©

00:00:00 --> 00:00:01
			Parenting
		
00:00:01 --> 00:00:03
			is hard. I need help.
		
00:00:16 --> 00:00:17
			For the parents out there,
		
00:00:18 --> 00:00:19
			I know what it's like.
		
00:00:19 --> 00:00:22
			You have children. You want the best for
		
00:00:22 --> 00:00:22
			your kids.
		
00:00:23 --> 00:00:25
			Some of us make the decision we're gonna
		
00:00:25 --> 00:00:28
			move to another country or another part of
		
00:00:28 --> 00:00:31
			the world and give our kids opportunities that
		
00:00:31 --> 00:00:32
			we didn't have.
		
00:00:33 --> 00:00:34
			There's just one problem.
		
00:00:35 --> 00:00:36
			It's a completely
		
00:00:36 --> 00:00:37
			different culture,
		
00:00:38 --> 00:00:41
			a different way of life. They're exposed to
		
00:00:41 --> 00:00:42
			different communities,
		
00:00:42 --> 00:00:43
			different temptations,
		
00:00:44 --> 00:00:44
			pressures.
		
00:00:45 --> 00:00:46
			The list is endless.
		
00:00:47 --> 00:00:50
			And then it creates a huge challenge.
		
00:00:50 --> 00:00:52
			There is a massive conflict.
		
00:00:53 --> 00:00:55
			Here you are as a parent, you're trying
		
00:00:55 --> 00:00:56
			to instill
		
00:00:56 --> 00:00:58
			certain values on your children,
		
00:00:59 --> 00:01:01
			but because of their environment
		
00:01:02 --> 00:01:03
			where they may go to school, the friends
		
00:01:03 --> 00:01:06
			that they have, the culture that they're being
		
00:01:06 --> 00:01:07
			brought up in,
		
00:01:07 --> 00:01:08
			it's completely
		
00:01:08 --> 00:01:10
			foreign to your own.
		
00:01:10 --> 00:01:14
			So constantly for the littlest things or even
		
00:01:14 --> 00:01:15
			the major decisions,
		
00:01:16 --> 00:01:18
			there is conflict and problems.
		
00:01:18 --> 00:01:20
			How do we navigate through this? How do
		
00:01:20 --> 00:01:22
			we fix that? There's a couple of things
		
00:01:22 --> 00:01:24
			that parents out there, I need you to
		
00:01:24 --> 00:01:25
			understand.
		
00:01:26 --> 00:01:28
			The first thing is wherever
		
00:01:28 --> 00:01:28
			you
		
00:01:29 --> 00:01:32
			uprooted your family and have gone to, so
		
00:01:33 --> 00:01:35
			you may have been born in one part
		
00:01:35 --> 00:01:36
			of the world,
		
00:01:36 --> 00:01:39
			but you're raising your children in a completely
		
00:01:39 --> 00:01:41
			different part of the world. You've got to
		
00:01:41 --> 00:01:42
			understand
		
00:01:42 --> 00:01:45
			that is not the choice of children.
		
00:01:46 --> 00:01:48
			That was the choice of you and me
		
00:01:48 --> 00:01:50
			as parents. We brought them to that environment.
		
00:01:51 --> 00:01:53
			We made that decision to bring them there.
		
00:01:54 --> 00:01:56
			And we also make the decision to integrate
		
00:01:57 --> 00:01:59
			them into that society and culture.
		
00:01:59 --> 00:02:02
			So, of course, it's completely natural
		
00:02:03 --> 00:02:04
			and it's inevitable
		
00:02:04 --> 00:02:06
			that they're going to adapt
		
00:02:06 --> 00:02:07
			those habits.
		
00:02:07 --> 00:02:10
			So how do you counter that? I mean
		
00:02:10 --> 00:02:12
			is this just a losing situation for us
		
00:02:12 --> 00:02:14
			the parents and we have to cope with
		
00:02:14 --> 00:02:15
			it?
		
00:02:15 --> 00:02:16
			No brothers and sisters.
		
00:02:17 --> 00:02:19
			Parents pay attention to a statement
		
00:02:20 --> 00:02:22
			of Ali radhiallahu an. He once said
		
00:02:23 --> 00:02:26
			we were taught, meaning the prophet
		
00:02:27 --> 00:02:28
			taught them.
		
00:02:29 --> 00:02:32
			We were taught to raise our children
		
00:02:32 --> 00:02:34
			different from how we were raised.
		
00:02:35 --> 00:02:36
			What does that mean?
		
00:02:37 --> 00:02:40
			It means parents you have to understand the
		
00:02:40 --> 00:02:42
			society that our kids are being brought up
		
00:02:42 --> 00:02:42
			in.
		
00:02:43 --> 00:02:44
			You've got to be involved
		
00:02:44 --> 00:02:46
			or at least aware
		
00:02:46 --> 00:02:48
			of some of the things that they're learning,
		
00:02:48 --> 00:02:50
			that they're hearing, that they're being exposed to
		
00:02:50 --> 00:02:53
			whether it be at school or with friends
		
00:02:53 --> 00:02:53
			or even
		
00:02:54 --> 00:02:55
			just simply online
		
00:02:56 --> 00:02:58
			on TV, the movies that they watch, the
		
00:02:58 --> 00:03:00
			shows that they watch. I mean, there are
		
00:03:00 --> 00:03:03
			so many sitcoms and shows out there that
		
00:03:03 --> 00:03:07
			are geared to just destroy family values.
		
00:03:07 --> 00:03:10
			So you've got to understand, like, they're gonna
		
00:03:10 --> 00:03:13
			spend hours a day watching this stuff and
		
00:03:13 --> 00:03:13
			internalizing
		
00:03:13 --> 00:03:16
			them. The natural consequence of that is you
		
00:03:16 --> 00:03:19
			start developing a very specific mindset
		
00:03:20 --> 00:03:22
			and you start to think the same way
		
00:03:22 --> 00:03:24
			of the person you saw on TV or
		
00:03:24 --> 00:03:25
			online.
		
00:03:26 --> 00:03:27
			So just keep in mind the first thing
		
00:03:27 --> 00:03:31
			is to understand what they're being exposed to.
		
00:03:31 --> 00:03:33
			So once you figure that out and you
		
00:03:33 --> 00:03:35
			understand, okay, this is the environment that they're
		
00:03:35 --> 00:03:36
			in,
		
00:03:36 --> 00:03:39
			immediately the second point kicks in.
		
00:03:39 --> 00:03:41
			How am I gonna address this?
		
00:03:41 --> 00:03:43
			Now I know that they're exposed to one
		
00:03:43 --> 00:03:45
			thing, but I need them to understand that
		
00:03:45 --> 00:03:48
			that's wrong, and these are the values that
		
00:03:48 --> 00:03:49
			I want them to be brought up in.
		
00:03:49 --> 00:03:51
			And, of course, the values that we want
		
00:03:51 --> 00:03:54
			for them are the Islamic values.
		
00:03:54 --> 00:03:56
			So the second thing, the way to counter
		
00:03:56 --> 00:03:57
			that is
		
00:03:58 --> 00:04:00
			you've got to try to balance the exposure
		
00:04:00 --> 00:04:02
			with something that can counter that exposure.
		
00:04:03 --> 00:04:05
			So if they're at school 8 hours a
		
00:04:05 --> 00:04:08
			day or 7 hours a day, then they
		
00:04:08 --> 00:04:10
			come home and they relax, they're locked up
		
00:04:10 --> 00:04:11
			in the room, they might be online for
		
00:04:11 --> 00:04:13
			a bit, they'll just be scrolling on on,
		
00:04:14 --> 00:04:16
			social media, you've got to remind yourself, wait
		
00:04:16 --> 00:04:17
			a minute,
		
00:04:18 --> 00:04:19
			I need to
		
00:04:19 --> 00:04:20
			counter
		
00:04:20 --> 00:04:24
			some of that exposure with something Islamic, something
		
00:04:24 --> 00:04:24
			beneficial.
		
00:04:25 --> 00:04:27
			So my first advice to you
		
00:04:27 --> 00:04:29
			parents out there
		
00:04:29 --> 00:04:32
			is to ensure that your children are enrolled
		
00:04:32 --> 00:04:33
			in weekly
		
00:04:33 --> 00:04:36
			sessions, weekly classes at your local masjid.
		
00:04:37 --> 00:04:38
			They have to have some exposure
		
00:04:39 --> 00:04:40
			and learning about their deen.
		
00:04:41 --> 00:04:42
			We cannot appreciate
		
00:04:43 --> 00:04:45
			anything unless we have knowledge of that thing.
		
00:04:46 --> 00:04:47
			How can they appreciate
		
00:04:48 --> 00:04:50
			what Islam has to offer if they're not
		
00:04:50 --> 00:04:52
			in an environment or a place where that
		
00:04:52 --> 00:04:55
			they can absorb and learn this deen. So
		
00:04:55 --> 00:04:58
			you've got to keep them engaged in learning
		
00:04:58 --> 00:04:58
			their deen.
		
00:04:59 --> 00:05:01
			The next point that can help is conversations.
		
00:05:02 --> 00:05:05
			I like to call this halakha time. This
		
00:05:05 --> 00:05:06
			is where when you're at the dinner table
		
00:05:06 --> 00:05:08
			or you're driving in the car you have
		
00:05:08 --> 00:05:11
			some alone time with your kids. Just ask
		
00:05:11 --> 00:05:13
			them questions. Show a little bit of personal
		
00:05:13 --> 00:05:14
			interest.
		
00:05:14 --> 00:05:16
			How was your day? So what'd you do
		
00:05:16 --> 00:05:18
			today? Who'd you talk to? How are your
		
00:05:18 --> 00:05:21
			friends? Or I noticed that, you know, you
		
00:05:21 --> 00:05:22
			look a little down today or you're a
		
00:05:22 --> 00:05:24
			little more quiet than usual.
		
00:05:25 --> 00:05:26
			If you can pay attention to some of
		
00:05:26 --> 00:05:29
			the mood swings and some of the impressions
		
00:05:29 --> 00:05:31
			that you get, something that you notice that's
		
00:05:31 --> 00:05:32
			a little off
		
00:05:33 --> 00:05:35
			and you ask about it, you notice it
		
00:05:35 --> 00:05:36
			and you address it,
		
00:05:37 --> 00:05:38
			it's very comforting
		
00:05:39 --> 00:05:39
			to know that
		
00:05:40 --> 00:05:42
			I don't have to say anything but mom
		
00:05:42 --> 00:05:45
			and dad notice something is wrong. And they
		
00:05:45 --> 00:05:46
			just asked me about it. They didn't judge
		
00:05:46 --> 00:05:47
			me.
		
00:05:47 --> 00:05:49
			They didn't say why do you look so
		
00:05:49 --> 00:05:51
			grumpy? Why are you talking this way? But
		
00:05:51 --> 00:05:51
			instead
		
00:05:52 --> 00:05:54
			you don't sound like this. You don't usually
		
00:05:54 --> 00:05:56
			talk this way. Are you okay? What's happening?
		
00:05:57 --> 00:05:58
			And try to spark some conversation.
		
00:05:59 --> 00:06:00
			No, I'm not asking you to be a
		
00:06:00 --> 00:06:01
			counselor.
		
00:06:01 --> 00:06:03
			I'm not asking you to be a therapist.
		
00:06:03 --> 00:06:05
			We're simply asking
		
00:06:05 --> 00:06:07
			just to pay some attention
		
00:06:08 --> 00:06:10
			to some of the differences or the things
		
00:06:10 --> 00:06:11
			that are unusual. And finally,
		
00:06:12 --> 00:06:12
			parents,
		
00:06:13 --> 00:06:14
			understand
		
00:06:15 --> 00:06:17
			that one of the names of children in
		
00:06:17 --> 00:06:19
			the Quran is actually fitna,
		
00:06:20 --> 00:06:20
			which means
		
00:06:21 --> 00:06:22
			they will be a test.
		
00:06:23 --> 00:06:24
			Parenting
		
00:06:24 --> 00:06:25
			is
		
00:06:25 --> 00:06:26
			hard.
		
00:06:26 --> 00:06:28
			It is challenging,
		
00:06:29 --> 00:06:32
			and only the parents who have children understand
		
00:06:32 --> 00:06:34
			how challenging parenting is.
		
00:06:34 --> 00:06:37
			So all the stress, all the sleepless nights,
		
00:06:37 --> 00:06:38
			all the arguments,
		
00:06:39 --> 00:06:41
			it's supposed to be there to an extent
		
00:06:41 --> 00:06:43
			because it's part of the challenge of you
		
00:06:43 --> 00:06:44
			learning to navigate
		
00:06:45 --> 00:06:48
			how to raise another human being, like that's
		
00:06:48 --> 00:06:50
			not an easy feat for anybody.
		
00:06:50 --> 00:06:52
			So understand that with those challenges
		
00:06:53 --> 00:06:55
			Allah will never burden you with something beyond
		
00:06:55 --> 00:06:56
			your capacity.
		
00:06:56 --> 00:06:57
			You have
		
00:06:58 --> 00:07:00
			what it takes to raise your children.
		
00:07:01 --> 00:07:04
			That's why Allah gave you these kids because
		
00:07:04 --> 00:07:06
			you have what it takes. Allah will not
		
00:07:06 --> 00:07:07
			put you
		
00:07:07 --> 00:07:10
			to raise children that are completely
		
00:07:10 --> 00:07:12
			impossible or out of your control.
		
00:07:12 --> 00:07:14
			But keep in mind one last thing,
		
00:07:15 --> 00:07:16
			and that is
		
00:07:16 --> 00:07:17
			everything
		
00:07:18 --> 00:07:21
			is decided by Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala. The
		
00:07:21 --> 00:07:22
			only thing that we can do as parents
		
00:07:22 --> 00:07:24
			is we strive to do our best to
		
00:07:24 --> 00:07:27
			give our children the best and hope and
		
00:07:27 --> 00:07:28
			pray that insha'Allah
		
00:07:28 --> 00:07:31
			they can absorb some of those values and
		
00:07:31 --> 00:07:32
			carry on that legacy,
		
00:07:32 --> 00:07:33
			carry on that tradition.
		
00:07:34 --> 00:07:36
			Our job, just like the prophet alaihis salatu
		
00:07:36 --> 00:07:38
			wasalam would say to his companions,
		
00:07:40 --> 00:07:43
			all we can do is just project the
		
00:07:43 --> 00:07:43
			message
		
00:07:44 --> 00:07:46
			to tell you, to teach you and hope
		
00:07:46 --> 00:07:47
			that insha'Allah
		
00:07:47 --> 00:07:49
			with that knowledge you make the right decision.
		
00:07:49 --> 00:07:50
			So may
		
00:07:50 --> 00:07:52
			Allah make it easy for you,
		
00:07:52 --> 00:07:54
			don't give up on your children,
		
00:07:54 --> 00:07:57
			strive to remind them and teach them no
		
00:07:57 --> 00:08:00
			matter how annoying you might sound, no matter
		
00:08:00 --> 00:08:02
			how fed up they might be, your job
		
00:08:05 --> 00:08:08
			protect yourself and your family from the fire.
		
00:08:08 --> 00:08:10
			Do your best and insha Allah leave the
		
00:08:10 --> 00:08:12
			rest with Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala. May Allah
		
00:08:12 --> 00:08:13
			make it easy for you.