Musleh Khan – Ask Musleh – What advice can you give if I’m encountering abuse in my marriage?

			Send Mr. Li Kumar to learn more about a cat who brothers and sisters and welcome to Ask Muslim.
Today's question is regarding a concept called and new shoes. And new shoes is the ill treatment
between a husband and wife. So any type of verbal, physical or emotional abuse, all classifies under
abuse. And even Allah subhanho wa Taala talks about this incident and he said, and advises the
women, if you're afraid of a new shoes will lead you to half moon and new shoes one ally xojo says,
As for the women, if you're afraid of this ill treatment between you and your spouse, then there are
certain steps that a person takes to try to deal with this. The first thing that allies so Jill says
		

			is at level one, the first thing is that you do is you advise him or her. Now this is really
important because whenever somebody is in that predicament or in that situation where emotions are
flaring, anger is out of control. The first thing that people think about is just let their emotions
do all the talking. So they become careless, they become loose with their tongue, and they start
saying and doing things to each other that they normally wouldn't do and eventually regret. So Allah
azza wa jal is basically saying to you stop and advise each other, to not do this or to not escalate
the problem. Why is that so important? There's a hidden beauty or hickmott, behind this first advice
		

			that Allah gives us. And that is for you to advise someone, you yourself have to be calm. So not
only are you going to calm the other individual, but you're also at the point in the process, you're
going to be calming yourself. So Allah azza wa jal, right from the very beginning is trying to
extinguish the problem. Now, sometimes this may not work. So the next step here is a little bit more
practical if you like them. And it's a little more a little bit more severe for severe cases. And
this is where the two individuals, they would separate themselves during the night, so they wouldn't
be able to, to sleep on the same bed, and they would separate themselves. So basically, they're both
		

			going to have this like timeout session between themselves. And this just happens for one night. And
then the next day, you try to see how things go. Now, if things continue to escalate, and none of
this is working out, the abuse is still going on at whatever level, now you have a couple of choices
that you want to make. And these are some of the choices that I would advise all of you, number one,
seek help, go and talk to somebody, don't try to bottle up all of these problems yourself. Because
that naturally is unhealthy spiritually, it's unhealthy. And of course, just you know, in your
marriage, just lifestyle wise, it becomes unhealthy, because it starts to affect every possible
		

			function in your everyday life. So the first thing is you need to go and speak to somebody. Number
two, choose somebody wise to speak to don't choose somebody that you know is going to give bad
advice, or somebody that you know is going to be biased and take sides don't do that. And this is
why personally, brothers and sisters, I personally advise all of us to try to keep these situations
away from mothers and fathers as best as you can. Because at the end of the day, you will always be
their child. And they will always naturally want to protect that child and want to make sure that
the child is always safe, and so on and so forth. Sometimes it becomes very difficult that if you
		

			get caught up in that, to see the reality of your marriage, and then to see the reality of how your
parents feel about the whole situation. So try to put that more as a secondary choice or a third
choice or a fourth choice. But primarily you want to try to deal with this between you and your
spouse. Now if that doesn't work, then you have a third option. And that's when you need to get
somebody outside of the marriage to get involved. So go to a local Amen. Go to a local sheriff or
somebody that you respect somebody you know, that has knowledge about the deen and let them get
involved in the situation. Because with that, then inshallah something is going to become very
		

			clear, it's either going to be that they can reconcile the problem, and they can solve it and move
on with their lives. Or if Allah subhanho wa Taala wills, then the marriage takes a break or it may
even permanently end up in a divorce. So whatever the case is, you need somebody to be there to
mediate the whole problem as much as possible. So I hope that this works out insha Allah for all of
us, and keep in mind, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam one said, and this is an advice for
every single one of us husbands or wives. If you're married or you're not married, it doesn't
matter. This advice is for all of us. And a prophesized set of them. Never ever raised his hands and
		

			hit anyone except fie sabetha lab so keep that in
		

			Mind brothers and sisters when you're dealing with your spouse's and you have all those emotions and
flaring and going all over the place, just try to keep some level of control that is Ninja hytera
Take care of yourselves everyone was Salam or Aleikum warahmatullah wabarakatuh