Muiz Bukhary – Inner Critic to Inner Coach

			Salam alaykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh. Have you ever given actual thought about your thinking
process about how you think?
		

			For example, in the morning, when you leave your home? Do you tell yourself? Do you make these
mental notes? Don't forget to get the milk. Don't forget to buy the eggs. And then eventually, at
the end of the day, when you get back home, let's say if you've forgotten to get these things, do
you start bashing yourself up in your head? Or why am I so forgetful? Why am I so stupid? Is there,
this constant chatter, this constant talking to yourself happening throughout the day, I'm sure you
relate to what I'm saying. But having said that, you should know that on the flip side, there are
actually some people out there who don't have a voice at all in their heads. Now, I know this may
		

			seem hard to believe, because a lot of people use language based chatter to organize and focus their
thoughts. However, it turns out that some people just don't have this kind of inner voices, this
inner chatter going on at all. Instead, they may rely more on visualization. For example, they would
see themselves buying the milk at the store, they would see themselves buying the eggs at the
supermarket. And there are even others out there who employ a combination of these two techniques a
combo. So it's basically the interface the the inner voice along with visualization. Now, this inner
voice has a negative side to it known as the inner critic. And that's basically what I hope to touch
		

			on in this video inshallah transforming the inner critic, which is a negative thing towards becoming
an inner coach, which is a positive thing inshallah. Okay, so what is the quote unquote, inner
critic, the inner critic is this concept used in psychology, it's used in psychotherapy, to describe
the negative thoughts that we have about ourselves. And interestingly enough, it doesn't even have
to be our own voices. For some of us, it's the voice of a parent, for some mister Voice of a
partner. For some, it's the voice of an employer, your boss, no matter who it is, the inner critic
often provides very harsh and ruthless commentary over our lives. It's that mean voice in your head
		

			that tells you, you are not good enough, you are a failure, you should give up you should be over
this by now, you are ugly, no one likes you, you will never succeed in life, you are useless, you're
weak, you're lazy, you're crazy. All of these very negative statements. And this can lead to
feelings of guilt. This can lead an individual down a downward spiral of shame, anxiety, depression,
and most of the time, it just drains an individual, because as humans, we have two main safety
systems. The oldest and most quickly triggered is the Threat Defense System. Usually when we sense
danger, our response is typically fight, flight, freeze or submit, we turn and fight the threat. Or
		

			we run away from the threat of a play dead, we act as if we're dead, in hopes that the threat will
pass. Now, these strategies are very successful for animals living out there in the wild, helping
them to survive. For us humans, however, these responses often just make things worse. That's
because the threat we're usually facing is a threat to our self concept. We confuse our thoughts and
representations of ourselves for our actual selves, meaning that when our self image is under siege,
when our self image is under attack, really act as if our very existence is threatened. And when
this happens, our Threat Defense System raises red flags. It becomes activated and it uses the same
		

			earlier mentioned strategies to stay safe. So fight. We beat ourselves up emotionally, using cruel
and harsh language to just drag ourselves down to cut ourselves down. Flight. We become anxious,
restless, and we flee from the threat. We flee from ourselves by numbing ourselves using
distractions, like food, or getting into this vicious cycle of other bad habits. Or three, we
freeze. We just freeze.
		

			We get stuck. No action whatsoever. We get stuck in rumination in thinking, overthinking
		

			thing about our weaknesses, about our weaknesses, about our flaws about our mistakes, but our
failures over and over again, this whole vicious cycle.
		

			Or number four, we submit, we give up, we admit that, yes, we're terrible if we left Miss mistakes
full of flaws, and we accept all of the harsh judgments that we throw at ourselves, and you have to
bear in mind that this inner critic is shaped by different experiences an individual goes through,
you see all these experiences throughout our lives, and especially
		

			the experiences with our primary attachment figures, carers and parents, you need to ask yourself,
Were you bullied throughout school? Did you attend the school where the whole culture was heavily
focused on achievement, heavily focused on perfectionism? Was your mother or father, especially
harsh towards you or perhaps neglectful of you? Have you experienced a trauma in your life because
the legacy of all these experiences and the voices of these people, if it was negative, throughout
our childhood and throughout our lives, can unknowingly and in a very sneaky way, become baggage
become huge influences of our inner dialogue of our inner voice, the inner chatter? Okay, now that
		

			we've understood what the inner critic is, let's look at transforming it into an inner coach. Number
one, you have to start doing so by first acknowledging its existence, stop sweeping things, stop
sweeping it under the carpet, the first step towards solving any issue any problem is admitting to
yourself and acknowledging that it exists in the first place, if you are in denial, because see, a
lot of us, we live in a constant state of denial, simply because we find it hard to pluck the
courage and face the truth, because we fear that that is going to now expose even more dark and ugly
truths, it's going to expose the baggage about ourselves. So what we want to do with this, stuff all
		

			of that baggage into some attic, and not touch it at all. So we need to acknowledge the issue in the
first place. That's number one.
		

			Number two, you need to practice self compassion. Now, what is self compassion, people tend to have
this misunderstanding of self compassion. And they define it as self pity. They think that it's to
be sorry about yourself, you'd understand that there's a fine line, self compassion is being kind to
yourself, about your struggles. Whilst all the while acknowledging that other people are going
through struggles, too. Everyone is fighting their own battles. Self Pity, on the other hand, is not
acknowledging the realization that other people are struggling. It's the oh, I have it worse than
everyone else sort of mentality. It's just that beating yourself up mentality. Now developing this
		

			sense of self compassion. It does take time, but it's worth practicing. So say, for example, rather
than telling yourself, Oh, I'm so stupid, and I can't do this. A different approach to the
situation. Might be telling yourself, okay, this is really challenging, but I am trying my best. So
you see, the first statement is critical. And the second statement is compassionate. You're cutting
yourself some slack. You're saying, okay, hey, this is challenging, but I'm trying my level best.
And a great way to gauge this inner critic, these statements is to quickly ask yourself, would I say
the same thing to my friend? I want you to think about this for a second. Just say you're with your
		

			best friend. Would you go behind your best friend the whole day, saying, hey, you know what, you're
a loser. You suck. You are ugly. You are lazy. You know, you're not going to be able to achieve
anything, you're useless. You're this You're that? We wouldn't. Why? Because most of the time, we're
showing compassion to our friends, to our family, to the people around us, that we aren't showing to
ourselves. So self compassion is key. The next the next tip that I'd like to share is to gently
challenge this voice whenever and wherever possible.
		

			Say for example, you are preparing for an examination or you're preparing for an interview. Now your
inner critic might start droning away. Oh, you know what, you're just wasting it.
		

			If you're going to humiliate yourself, no one wants to hire you, you don't have the experience, you
don't have the talent, you don't have the skill, you'll end up saying something stupid, you're
right, something stupid, you're just wasting your time. You need to dismantle these statements and
try to gently challenge them by responding. Say, for example, when the inner critic says, you're
going to humiliate yourself, you gently challenge that statement saying, Well, I've done well in
past interviews. When the inner critic says no one wants to hire you, you don't have the experience
or skill, then you gently challenge that by saying, you know, I've studied
		

			or I have five years, I have 10 years experience in this industry in this area. When the inner
critic says you will end up saying something stupid, you're gonna make a mistake, or you're gonna
write something stupid. You gently challenge that by saying, the worst that's going to happen is I'm
not going to get the job and I don't get hired, I'll try elsewhere. When the inner critic says, oh,
you know, you're gonna fumble and you know, you're going to be anxious and scared and whatnot, you
gently challenge that by saying it's normal to feel nervous or scared before an interview. So by
gently challenging these negative statements with reassuring statements, it's going to end up,
		

			strengthening you and building confidence in you. The next step that I'd like to share is don't ever
get stuck, keep taking some action. Because without taking action, we are at risk of becoming stuck,
stalled, and you know, stuck in our own shame in isolation, in overthinking and ruminating in anger
in yelling at ourselves inside our heads, and eating ourselves up from within the minute you take
action, however small, it may be baby steps, of course, you get out of the downward spiral of shame.
And this is very important, lest we remain stuck in that downward spiral.
		

			Now, the last action item that I'd like to share for this video, is to use positive affirmations. We
need to overpower the inner critic through the use of positive affirmations. You have to bear this
in mind and mark my words. Your voice is an extremely powerful tool. Think about it. How often do
you hear your voice throughout the day now as I speak, okay, even before you eventually watch this
video and listen to what I'm saying, my brain, I'm listening to what I'm saying. So no wonder our
brains play such a high value on the words that come out of our own mouth. So to transform the inner
critic inside you to an inner coach, motivating you and reassuring you, you have to tell yourself
		

			the things that your inner self desperately needs to hear. You need to and by the way, this needs to
be articulated, you really need to say it out loud, you need to say that you know what, I have the
talents in me, I have a growth mindset, I know that I can work on my talents, I know that I can work
on my intelligence, I know that I can work on my skills, and I have all of that I'm capable. I'm
loved, I'm worthy. And I can do all of this, I have the willpower. So the more you keep saying this,
and this has to be done in a consistent fashion. Over time, these words will slowly but surely,
reprogram your inner critic, it'll start to transform it into a coach who wants the best for you.
		

			You must be consistent with it. Like I said, you have to see through you have to engage with
positive affirmations. And the more you do, you will start to believe the words that you speak every
single day. And like I said, slowly, but surely you will get there inshallah Danna. I hope this
video was of benefit. Do share it around so that others can benefit as well so that we can motivate
and inspire as many people as possible. And if you've benefited from the video, do like the video
and subscribe to the channel. I look forward to talking to you all in another video soon. Inshallah.
Allah wa salam Wa alaykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh