Mufti Menk – Unhappy with Sons’ Choice of a Wife

			Salam aleikum, my brothers and sisters, I've been receiving emails from people saying that in their
marriages because their in laws were not happy about their spouses marrying who they ended up
marrying, they are now nasty to them. So a sister, for example, says, you know, my mother in law
never ever wanted my husband to marry me. And many people have actually sent me this type of an
email, my husband has married me, but my mother in law, or my father in law, or someone in the
family did not want me to be married to them. So as a result, they are horrible to me. That's one
thing. Secondly, they say that, in some cases, as a result, stavroula they visit
		

			witch doctors to do some magic, or to do something some form of a dirty deed, in order to break that
marriage or so that they don't have kids, or so that they are trapped in some form of a spell. Now,
I'd like to tackle this from both angles. Number one, your children choose their spouses, and
sometimes it will not be according to your taste, because you married already, they have a different
taste how many of us love these juices, or foodstuffs or so many different things, or the weather or
outdoor or a destination that our children do not love, they don't even like it, they can't even
stand it sometimes. Similarly, your choice of a wife may not be the same as your child's choice of a
		

			wife or a husband. So you need to make sure that you leave them with that and you are happy for
them. Be happy for your children, make it easy for them, make dua for them, pray for them. Don't go
into a marriage, thinking that you know what this, sorry, don't allow that marriage or let it
happen, thinking that I'm going to fix them, you need to let it happen, knowing that this is the
blessing that's coming into our home, if you don't want to interact too much with the person, you
don't have to interact so much. But please make sure that you make life easy for them allow will
make life easy for you. Very important. And this is something that we all need to stick by. So the
		

			decision was not yours, it was your child's. And remember, when people go into a home, there's a
stigma on both sides. Some people think badly about a mother in law even before giving her a chance,
any small thing, they think negative of that mother in law. And sometimes the mother in law thinks
on similar lines regarding the daughter in law, they don't give them a chance. They believe that
whatever they do was not with a good intention. They stick to their child such
		

			that anything the wife says to the Son, they feel that perhaps the wife is trying to separate them
from the son from their own son, which is not true. You know, this is a disorder. This is like a
syndrome that some people face or some people have, they feel that they're going to be separated,
it's a phobia of the separation, you're not going to be separated number one, number two is there
has to be a little bit of a distance thereafter, because that's a child that is independence. When
the child was born, you decided everything for the child, as the child grew up, a lot took away your
decision making little by little, such so much so that at a certain age, the child wouldn't want to
		

			play with toys that you have chosen for the child. But rather, the child would want a different type
of a toy based on its liking and would make a tantrum if it didn't get what it wanted. So there
comes a stage when bit by bit a lot takes away this authority. And then the child becomes a parent
or a husband or a wife in his or her own right.
		

			You cannot then decide to have that control and be upset with who they married, give them a chance
if the two of them are happy. What makes you unhappy? Why are you unhappy to see the happiness of
your child that is a disease. It's a disease that shows a weakness in faith as well. You need to be
happy for others. And if it's your children, you need to be even happier. If they're happy,
something makes them happy. So what Alhamdulillah be happy for them. May Allah subhanahu wa taala
make it easy for us. So number one, you need to understand that you must support their choice of a
spouse if it is permissible. If the person has reasonable level of character and Dean, you support
		

			that choice of a spouse. And even if they're making a mistake sometimes if you've tried your best to
convince them and they are simply not being convinced, I would say still support them in that little
mistake and have them with you rather than lose them completely. And we've mentioned this before.
		

			If they were to come back divorced, we still love them. They're still our kids. Yes, they made a
mistake. They didn't listen to us. It doesn't mean we disassociate or cut them off. But we will
still support them. If they were to come back, May Allah not let that happen. But in some cases it
has. They're not a burden. They're actually part of the destiny that Allah chose for us and for
them. Thereafter, when they do get married, help them support them, give them that independence,
that something that's absolutely important. Don't be don't make all decisions for them, guide them
if you need, but don't make life difficult for any one of them. The fact that they didn't marry your
		

			sisters or brothers child, you know, that's the culture in a lot of cases with the indo Pak as well
as with the Arabs and so on. You could you marry your cousin or you marry a relative or you marry
someone close by. And the parents already have this dream and this understanding, we need to marry a
wealthy guy who's already earning he owns already so much. And so yet they, when they were married,
they didn't have even a 10th of what they want their son in law to be having. So that's a disaster.
We start off with nothing, there are answers in your corner, or you meet him loving probably, even
if they're poor. Allah will bless them with lots of you know, blessings and the sustenance through
		

			his own virtue. Allah will give them they wanted to do Hannon, you supported the * out I know of
many parents, they will delay. They'll say, okay, find this guy is fine, okay, but I need to delete
because he doesn't have a job. He hasn't graduated. He hasn't. So they facilitate adultery. And I'm
telling you they facilitate with knowingly or unknowingly, they facilitate Zina.
		

			And they are happy with it. And they are okay with that with the excuse. All these people are not
wealthy enough, they don't have sustenance, he doesn't have his own place, etc. I promise you, you
get that keytab done, you get the nikka done, and Allah will open their doors wider than he's opened
your doors because when you're bothered about halal and haram, the dose of sustenance shall open.
When you're not bothered about it, you open the doors of haram and even if you were to be sustained
later on, it comes with a lot of baggage. May Allah make it easy for us. So please understand this
my beloved parents. So some people say No, we'll wait for two years for them to graduate. We'll wait
		

			for them to this for them to that and that that gap is only for you to cry and weep. That's what it
is. May Allah subhanho wa Taala bless our parents with an understanding. And we are hypocrites
because we are hypocrites because we do things for our children, we put restrictions that we didn't
even have ourselves and we want their spouses to be wealthy. In some cultures in some of the indo
Pak countries and even elsewhere. They make the woman pay adultery, which is not Islamic, by the
way. It has nothing to do with Islam. They make the woman pay a dowry and the price and they want to
marry into homes that have wealthy girls because they know that Oh, my son is going to be set this
		

			some cultures. I didn't know this until I traveled to some places and they told me that you know
what? The girl the boy goes to stay with the girls side. Now, some people say No, you know what
we're looking for someone who's wealthy who's rich, and because you married someone who was not so
rich, now we will not be having the prestige, we won't have the money. Come on. May Allah forgive us
all. That is ridiculous. absolutely ridiculous. To be a parasite. People think they have children.
And based on where they get their children married, they will become wealthy, they will have a lot
of money, they will have a lot. That's nonsense. May Allah Subhana Allah, Allah forgive us and guide
		

			of every one of us. So once they've married, we make sure that we have supported them, we make life
easy for them, we give them their independence, they don't always have to come to sit and eat with
everyone, they don't have to attend functions with everyone if they want to Alhamdulillah if it's
good Alhamdulillah if you want them, you can encourage them and invite them they may choose not to
Don't worry, it's their life, don't make it like you have to all be together all the time. Because
that will make the hearts rip apart. In a lot of cases. There are some where Mashallah was granted
them muhabba and love. But in some in a lot of cases that the more you impose on others to be
		

			together, the more they dislike you they can't wait to get away. You don't have to have the AIDS
together. You don't have to have the functions together. They don't have to attend, encourage them
and have such a good relationship that they themselves will want to come on those days. But to
impose things on one another. I know people who make their daughters in law cook for example, or
vice versa. I'm not saying mothers in law are bad. No, they're not. But sometimes the relationship
is toxic. And who to blame. It could be either it could be both. So I know sometimes people say No,
I'd like you know we're having visitors or guests or we're gonna have something a function and then
		

			they draw up a whole list as though this person is a slave. I want you to make this and do this and
do it at this time.
		

			do it this way that way, and they just inhabit how the okay how the fine? That's okay fine Nana Yes,
yes cetera as though wow, you know you just have a page shift. This is unpaid free, I can just dish
out instructions. It's no longer like that it doesn't work like that we need to have such a loving
relationship that they will come forth and say what should we do? What What do you suggest this is
what I suggest? And you can say yes, and you can say whatever else you want. That's the loving
relationship you're supposed to be having thereafter.
		

			Like I said, make life easy for people don't impose on them be happy. If they're happy. It doesn't
mean that they've taken you away. They have to have their independence. You don't know what tomorrow
holds? You know, someone was saying, Well, you know, what's going to happen when you have children?
What if Allah doesn't give them children? What if Allah subhanho wa Taala makes you leave the place
you're living in, for example, what what will happen in that case, and you have to go to where your
in laws were when you were looking for someone who never lived in the place where you were forced to
go and seek refuge? I just an example. So anything can happen, you make the right decision based on
		

			the person. A lot of the times the circumstances that we're searching for we searching for gentlemen
or heaven on earth, so our daughters don't get married. So we keep saying no. So you know, we don't
agree. So people do things behind our backs. So people continue in sinful behavior. And who's to
blame? I promise you those who are creating the obstacles are to blame. be easy, be easy going,
nevermind, it's okay. We're living in a generation where you cannot depress everyone. Do you know
that 90% of homes, and this is my own calculation based on a few factors. 90% of homes have issues
not very far off from what I'm discussing today. 90% of homes have issues not very far off from what
		

			I've just discussed. Okay, the next issue, and maybe I might dedicate another whole session on the
next issue, because we don't want to make the session too long. So the next issue that I will
discuss is people who want to who want to actually cast a spell on their kids and on their in laws,
and on people within their family. And this actually not only removes them from the fold of the Diem
because what they've done the Hadith says Mansa, Hara Ashok, whoever has whoever has done cast a
spell, whoever has participated in Syria in magic has actually associated partners with Allah, which
means they remove themselves from the fold of belief. How can you call yourself a believer in Allah,
		

			when you're doing something that is disbelief, Allah says you cannot do that. It exists but you
cannot do it. You should not do it. It's, you know, your desperation. You want something so badly
leave it to Allah, you know, make a good plan. You cannot go out and cast a spell. People go to some
outwardly religious people who can say okay, I will do something that will separate husband and
wife.
		

			Allah says that's from shape and and sudo to bacara. Allah speaks about that being from the jinn
kind and shavonne. Yet Allah Muna in Houma, ma you felt the Puna v. Bane, he was o g, long vs where
Allah speaks about to a man at a time and her route and my route and the others and so on and how
the the teachings of evil were there to separate husband from wife and to create disaster. Parents
are doing it imagine parents, family members are doing this. How are you going to face Allah
subhanho wa Taala. So tomorrow I want to discuss how we can protect ourselves from this, how we
should be protecting ourselves from this, and inshallah I hope that we get an opportunity to
		

			actually do this tomorrow. If not, it will be the next day. But you keep watching and I'm going to
post this on YouTube, as I always do. on my YouTube channel, may Allah subhanahu Allah bless
everyone, I hope we've learned to think tonight, let's facilitate and make easy for our children.
You cannot be upset with the choice of your child Come on, even if that person was might have been
according to you, not the ideal give them a chance, give them a chance to speak to them, they might
be better than what you thought I know of parents who have given chances to certain you know, kids,
and they've come back and said, You know what, this child is actually much better than what I had in
		

			mind for my child. Amazing. So please do this and please understand it's the will of Allah. If
really they want that make it easy for them facilitated for them. That's what that's why nikka and
marriage in Islam is so easy from the part of Allah subhanho wa Taala but from the part of mankind
we make it difficult so we won't be able to answer a lot. When he says Why do you make it difficult
when he didn't have money? Why did you make it difficult when you know his skin color was a bit too
dark? Why did you make it difficult? Well, you know he was I had someone else in mind for him now
what else are you going to tell him not to Hannah hautala my brothers and sisters May Allah bless
		

			every one of us and grant us goodness I won't have the chance to look at all of these comments, but
inshallah I appreciate your participation in this. I hope to see
		

			See you again soon with the rest of this topic. It's not done. Salaam Alaikum warahmatullahi
wabarakatuh