Mufti Menk – Dealing with Difficulty #09 Siblings

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			Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato. Dealing with difficulty in relationships is not easy,
especially when it's a sibling, we were born to the same parents or we share a parent. And as we
grow up, they will be a few squabbles you know, they have the sibling rivalry, they speak about a
few squabbles, here and there, my toys, your toys, you didn't give me I didn't have a chance, this
person did this, that person did that. And whatever this type of little rivalry is normal, it
happens to everyone. But as you grow older, don't allow it to penetrate your heart, learn to stand
up for one another, to be there for one another. Allah made you siblings for a reason. Be kind to
		

			your sister, be kind to your brother, as you grow up, care for them. Because Allah connected you,
you didn't connect yourselves. Allah chose your parents, and he's asked you to fulfill their rights.
Allah has chosen your siblings, and he's asked you to fulfill their rights. And Allah will choose
your children and asked you to fulfill their rights. He might give you a slight say in who your
spouse is going to be. But he doesn't give you a say, in who your children, your parents or siblings
up. Those are sacred relationships chosen by Allah as a test for you and I, you might have a sibling
who might have very bad habits, while protecting yourself from those bad habits, you need to fulfill
		

			the rights of your sibling to the best of your ability. At times, it might be extremely difficult,
but don't be a source of harm, or evil towards your own siblings. Remember, we have differences,
like I gave the example of your toys and my toys, and you didn't give me a chance and so on. As we
grow older, sometimes the differences become a bit bigger. People want to interfere in each other's
lives. Be careful of that, when we're young, we help each other when we're older, we can give a
suggestion, given an opinion, we can perhaps give some advice and leave it there. You cannot impose
your view on your siblings, when they are much older. And they're married, for example, give them
		

			their space, don't involve in their lives just because you were involved earlier in that way. Like
you want to control them and their spouse and everyone, you're going to have it very, very
difficult. So you deal with it by understanding to what extent your connection will be. When you're
younger, you're much more plugged in. As you grow older, the love should increase even from a
distance. But you're not going to go into their lives and start scrutinizing them and their children
and deciding how they will be and how good or bad their wives or husbands are. All of that is going
to destroy your relationship. You keep it in sha Allah, Allah has given you your family. Now, you
		

			look after your family, your folks and leave them to look after their folks. You can share ideas,
you can lend a hand, you can contribute positively towards one another. You can say a guiding word.
You can meet each other once in a while or every so often depending on where you're staying and how
busy you are. But remember, do not contribute negatively in the lives of your siblings. Because you
need that relationship. Allah asks us to fulfill the relationships and the duty we have towards
those who are connected to us by blood, and by perhaps marriage as well. But we talk about the
blood. Allah tells us to connect that relationship. How would you do that if you don't even know
		

			them, and you don't want to know them and you're not patient with them. So to be patient,
		

			with your siblings, is an act of worship. Very few get a chance of doing that. Because some people
are not patient at all they give up at once. And some people don't really have a problem. So they
don't really need to be patient. Well, Allah didn't choose you for a certain act of worship, he
might have tested you in different ways. But remember, Allah Almighty wants us to deal with this by
giving us a reward for solving problems. If it is an act of kindness to solve problems with a total
stranger who's a believer. What do you think is the reward of solving problems with those who are
not related to us but sorry, those who are related to us and are actually blood if the others, we
		

			get a reward for trying to solve with them. I speak about a smile to smile at the face of another. A
person you don't know is an act of charity. What if that's your family member, your sibling, your
spouse, your parent your child?
		

			panela So learn to be conscious of your expression. Siblings, as we grow older, each one has their
own life. Some find it difficult to marry, some find it difficult to earn, learn to be there for
them in a positive way. I know of people because they're not married, they keep interfering in the
lives of those who are married, dictating what the spouse should do and shouldn't do, you're going
to break your life and their lives, and you're going to lead a life where people will be cursing
you, behind the scenes. Why should that be the case? Learn to be a force of positivity. If you're
not married, or you don't have wealth, don't just come and claim the wealth of your siblings. Or
		

			don't think for a moment that is mine. You know, I'm supposed to be having no, we should have a
relationship whereby we look after each other without them asking, if your parents are not alive or
they're unable and Allah has blessed you with wealth. The first thing you should do your spouse,
your children, your parents, your siblings, that's where it starts. Charity begins at home is an
Islamic teaching. Because Allah says we're at the Kuba haka, who give those who are related to you
there do, what is there do that you look after them. Allah made you connected, like I said, without
your choice as a test for you. So go easy on them. Similarly, when we grew up, we made our mistakes,
		

			we corrected them, we ended up getting married, some went through a divorce, some struggle to earn,
some didn't, and so on. Your siblings will all have their own life charted out and written by Allah
subhanho wa taala, their destiny is different from yours. And their their book will be different
from yours. So what they get or don't get will be different from yours. Don't for a moment, belittle
your siblings simply because they are struggling, they might be struggling in one thing, but Insha
Allah, you reach out to them, Allah will grant you holistic growth. Many people like to compare
their children with the children of their siblings. That's very dangerous, because each child is
		

			unique. And each child will grow up sometimes at a young age, when you're comparing so much, you end
up destroying the family. And when your child grows up, they're an embarrassment. Do you know why?
Because you just couldn't stop speaking about the children of your brothers and sisters, or your in
laws or whoever they may have been. So stop that. To deal with the difficulty, you're going to need
to watch your tongue you're going to need to contribute smile, commend them say good words,
mashallah, you're looking good. Oh, you've achieved, they may not be as bright as your child today.
But they could be much more successful in the future, then your child who aced all the exams? So
		

			it's not about who came first and second in school. It's about whom Allah has favored and that favor
you don't know. So why would you belittle someone, people struggle, sometimes you find someone has
more children, they're struggling raising the children. So some of them might be a little bit
unruly, and some of them might not be given the same opportunities as a child who's the only child
or one of two in a family as compared to the one who has perhaps 10 siblings. It's not going to be
easy. But don't let it be a game of belittlement not at all. May Allah Almighty grant us ease. So as
we grow older, we become more mature. Learn to visit each other once in a while, depending on where
		

			you're living. You're in different countries, different cities, it's a little bit more difficult.
Learn to meet each other once in a while and don't overstep your welcome. When you begin to burden
someone in a way that you're there every day all day saying things interfering, the spouse is not
going to like it, maybe your sibling might not like it, they may not be able to communicate it with
you, but they won't like to see you, wouldn't you like a relationship where they see you less. But
when they see you, they love you to pieces they can't wait to have you so on. You should not go so
often and don't sit too long. These are golden rules, no matter where you go. If you're there every
		

			single day, you may be a burden. And obviously this is not the case with everyone. Some families are
so close knit, they have to be there all the time. And it's just part of their, the way the family
is but when it's when a spouse comes in and others come in, be considerate of everyone. May Allah
Almighty make it easy for all of us. I really pray that these few words can help us navigate through
the difficulties dealing with difficult siblings, relationships with siblings and so on. We've only
touched on one or two aspects, but the idea is to ponder over it and to look at how we can solve
matters in this beautiful season of solution and solving matters. May Allah bless every one of us
		

			and grant us offspring who will be the coolest of our eyes and siblings whom we
		

			We will be able to cherish well into the hereafter in general for those Amin Akula Kohli hada or
SallAllahu wasallam ala Nabina. Muhammad was salam aleikum