Parenting Tips

share this pageShare Page
Mufti Menk

Channel: Mufti Menk

Topics: Parenting

Episode Notes

Dammam, Saudi Arabia

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


00:00:00--> 00:00:23

Assalamu alaikum This video is brought to you by Muslim Central media.com please follow us on social media facebook.com forward slash Muslim Central and twitter.com forward slash Muslim Central. Also check out our other websites Muslim Central tube.com and Muslim Central images.com

00:00:28--> 00:00:29

rahmatullah wa barakato.

00:00:32--> 00:00:38

smilla. He will handle in that he was Salatu was Salam ala rasulillah Muhammad wa ala alihi wa sahbihi.

00:00:39--> 00:01:22

We praise Allah subhanho wa Taala, the creator nareesha cherishes, sustainer provider protector cure of one and all, the one in whose hands lies absolute control of every aspect of existence, we asked him to bless us in every single way to protect us and to grant us every form of goodness, my brothers and sisters in Islam. I am indeed humbled by the huge gathering of my brothers and sisters here. And I asked the almighty to grant us the ability to learn a thing or two. And to be able to not only say that, yes, this was correct, but to implemented inshallah, in our lives. But to start with, I think, you know, perhaps maybe

00:01:24--> 00:01:26

seeing that the faces are quite serious.

00:01:28--> 00:01:47

Perhaps we need to start with something on a lighter note, you know, people know that this man, sometimes he would make sure that we have a bit of laughter so that we feel that the human in us, it's something connected to where I'm staying, I stay at a hotel at the moment. And the hotel is known as the Holiday Inn.

00:01:48--> 00:01:50

Now, what happened is, there was a man,

00:01:52--> 00:01:53

an older speaking person

00:01:55--> 00:01:56

who was asked,

00:01:57--> 00:01:58

Where are you saying,

00:02:00--> 00:02:08

now? He did not really know because he saw the name and it was written in Arabic. Have you ever have any one Have you seen Holiday Inn written in Arabic?

00:02:09--> 00:02:21

You've seen how it's written. If you haven't, you can actually check it out. Google it and say holiday Arabic and you'll see and he looked at it and he says what I stay at a hotel called levina.

00:02:23--> 00:02:27

Amazing hola Nina. So my brothers and sisters is staying at who else

00:02:29--> 00:02:39

is easy to goodness. This is what happens when you haven't learned fairly, but at the same time, it's also an error that does take place Allah Subhana Allah blesses.

00:02:40--> 00:02:43

Can the brothers in front of me please move slightly inshallah.

00:02:47--> 00:02:53

I know we have a large crowd of brothers and sisters, but I will try to be as short as possible I think.

00:02:56--> 00:03:24

Firstly, this evening, we are speaking about parenting. And we all know that we are either parents or children, of parents or both parents and children. Some of us our parents have left some of us our children have also left in the form of passing away May Allah subhanho wa Taala bless them And grant them Jelena And may Allah subhanho wa Taala bless us all. Something very important. I'd like to start with in order to start on the right footing. We are sitting here and I asked you a question.

00:03:26--> 00:03:28

Have you ever done any good deeds in your life?

00:03:31--> 00:03:33

If you think about it, I'm sure you have.

00:03:34--> 00:04:15

How did you feel when you did good deeds and when you do good deeds, whether it's Salah or a charity or anything of that nature? How do you feel and how did you feel? Well, I want to tell you that the fact that you have done good deeds in your life, let's bring that to the front of our minds. What we have done that we are not proud of take it to the back, ask Allah forgiveness and inshallah it will be wiped out. So let's take it there inshallah. We are good people. We are people heading in the right direction. Because the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam makes it quite clear when he says, if your good deed makes you happy, and your bad deed makes you sad or regretful then that is a sign

00:04:15--> 00:04:20

that you are a true believer. He does somewhat kassala to Kawasaki.

00:04:22--> 00:04:59

And this i'm sure every one of us feels that. So let us start off on that footing inshallah, by the will of Allah subhanho wa Taala. He has made us He has created us and we have responsibilities as we are the creatures of Allah subhanho wa Taala these responsibilities he has explained them in detail, and this evening I'm going to go through some of these duties that Allah has placed on our shoulders and we will go through the experiences of so many different people in Sharla and we will try to present guidelines and then inshallah at the end I will open the floor for some questions inshallah, depending on

00:05:00--> 00:05:05

The time firstly remember when Allah subhanho wa Taala says in the Quran

00:05:06--> 00:05:09

Allah Dena Maluku

00:05:12--> 00:05:56

Li Na O you who believe, save yourselves and your family members from the fire. This is very important because it displays to us what our duty is. I'm a saved myself Firstly, and then my family members, my children and those whom I'm with perhaps in some cases also you'd have your parents who might need a reminder or a little tapping. If we do that in a beautiful way so that they can remember Allah remind themselves of Allah subhanho wa Taala and come back onto track inshallah we will be gaining. So this is something extremely important the verse of the Quran, expressing that we need to save ourselves and our family members from the fire. May Allah subhanahu wa Jalla protect us

00:05:56--> 00:05:58

all and help us to help one another. I mean,

00:06:00--> 00:06:36

also Allah subhanho wa Taala says that He has given you family members or specifically children, as a test. These children are tests because sometimes you know that Allah has placed in your heart the love for the child, how do you translate that love? Is it by letting them get away with what we would turn murder? Is it by letting them get away with something that is unacceptable? Or is it that you ensure that the love you have for them makes you guide them in the right direction. So Allah subhanho wa Taala says in

00:06:39--> 00:07:13

como una Dooku fitna indeed your wealth and your children are tests from Allah subhanho wa Taala. Allah is going to ask you about how you dealt with them, and allows me to ask you about how you earned your wealth, how you spent it, how you treated your children and prepare them for the day they would meet with Allah subhanho wa Taala. And this is why Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam has asked us to be role models and guides to our offspring, clearly stating could look, we could look

00:07:14--> 00:07:40

at each one of you is a shepherd. And every single one of you is responsible for his or her flock, the flock, those whom you are in authority over it is your duty to fulfill their rights and teach them how to fulfill yours and the rights of others. So we ask Allah subhanho wa Taala to give us responsibility to fulfill the rights in a nutshell.

00:07:41--> 00:07:49

If someone were to ask you about parenting, the first thing we need to know, what is the meaning of parenting, you know, in the Arabic language?

00:07:50--> 00:08:32

You need to know what is it we're talking about. So in the English language, we would say parenting is a process of caretaking and educating through which you help your child grow from a dependent child to an independent adult. So it's the whole process. It's known as parenting. And this is something amazing because Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he was the father and the grandfather. And he lost some of his children. In fact, to be honest, he lost all of his children besides one in his lifetime, you know, the the females had grown to adulthood and beyond, but when it comes to the males, they will last at infancy or childhood. And all this was the plan of Allah

00:08:32--> 00:08:41

for him to be the best example for us. If that happens to me, how should I react to it? lapada can Allah comfy rasuna

00:08:44--> 00:09:27

indeed for you, in Mohammed sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is a beautiful example to follow something to emulate something to learn from something to adopt. And this is why he was made to go through so many difficulties in life, not because he deserved it. But because it was meant to be a lesson for us all. If this happens to you, how do you react to it? So that is parenting. And in a nutshell, I look at parenting by saying, you need to be a role model for your child. That's it. If you are a role model for your child, there is nothing more than you need. So ask yourself every single time am I a role model for my own child, the way I handle myself, the way I carry myself, the way I speak to

00:09:27--> 00:09:59

the child, the way I treat all my children if I've got more than one and so on the way I treat my spouse because that is what my child will look at and grow and develop to be able to emulate later on in life. So I become the role model of my own children and offspring that in a nutshell, encapsulates the entire topic that we have tonight. But let's continue in Sharla and we make mention of several interesting points. Firstly, you need to know that parenting is about expressing true love. True love.

00:10:00--> 00:10:44

Not just love. When we say love, we talk of sometimes people who don't understand you and I know. And I made mention of this a few days ago on one of my social feeds, and I said, you know the term lol lol, what does it mean? It means laugh out loud. Some people say it means lots of love. But let's take the other one. It means laugh out loud. I asked you a question and I want you to raise your hand in answer. How many of you have used the term lol without laughing? Put up your hand? You did not love but you use lol law, then we are most of us almost all i guilty. What that means is a word to say I love you. It could just mean you you saying something. But you don't really mean it.

00:10:44--> 00:11:24

It's not in your heart. And this is where hypocrisy creeps in. We need to check the heart when I say I love you, my child. Do you really love the child in the true sense? Or are you just flashing everything for the child because the child says dad or mom, this is what I want. That's what I want. And you say no problem, I love you. So take it, I love you. So take it, sometimes love is displayed by not giving in to that which is detrimental. And this needs to be done in a beautiful fashion. This is why we say rather than instruct the child, engage the child very big difference, you know, I can tell my child do not do this, I've instructed it may have an impact. But if I sat and engage the

00:11:24--> 00:12:09

child, why is it that you should not be doing this, it will be far deeper and it will be far more, you know effective. In the long term, you have now created a generation whom later on when they have their own children, they will engage them to in the same thing. May Allah subhanho wa Taala grant us blessings. So as a parent, we need to understand the influence that you have on your child is mainly by the example that you model, that is the influence that you have on your child and also by the treatment by the structures that you impose. And the education you impart. Sometimes we have children who are orphans, but they are not often you might ask what does that mean? You know, in the

00:12:09--> 00:12:53

in the Sharia in Islam, when you say a child is an orphan, it's someone who's lost their dad, someone who's lost their their father, in infancy or childhood, that's an orphan. And they have a very lofty status. The reason is, Islam has given such a high status to the orphan child so that the gap that is created by the absence of the father is actually filled by others in a beautiful way. Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam himself was an orphan and I always say that as a consolation for those who might be orphans, the best of creation was an orphan it means if you are an orphan, you are not disadvantaged in any way you can actually reach the skies and beyond. And this is what

00:12:53--> 00:13:06

has happened to Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wasallam it was the choice of Allah subhanho wa Taala to take away not only his father, but slightly later in his childhood, even his mother, may Allah subhanho wa Taala bless him and bless us all.

00:13:07--> 00:13:19

So some of the children are orphans, but not orphans, which means they have both parents, but the father could not be bothered. He's hardly ever at home, no spending any time mother on WhatsApp. Mashallah.

00:13:21--> 00:13:59

Mashallah BBM Are you have Facebooking, I cook the food, I take a picture and I let the whole world know my food. And everyone looks at it. And then my stomach starts painting. And I wonder why the whole world was wishing for something that I had. And I didn't realize there was no need to actually do that. But we ask Allah protection, you may obviously socialize but within limits without crossing the other rights that you need to fulfill, especially when it comes to your children and family members. So nobody's saying do not socialize. No, Islam is a beautiful faith. It's a beautiful religion, it has room for socializing. In fact, certain socializing is considered an act of worship,

00:13:59--> 00:14:35

to visit someone with the correct intention to visit the sickly to ask about them, pick up the phone and ask about someone who is sick. That is actually something so great. It's something you will be disseminating on to the next generation if you do it correctly. But if you do it incorrectly, your child needs you. They come and ask you, my dad, I really need this and you didn't even hear what they said, you know, it happens sometimes. And this happens even between spouses where, you know, the man has worked all day. And he comes back and he's interested either in the internet or in his phone. You know, Gone are the days when we were interested in the newspapers, I think so were, you

00:14:35--> 00:14:59

know, engrossed in the paper, but it could be happening until mother comes along, and the children are sitting there and mother says, oh, Dad, what would you like to eat? And he just says yes. Because he didn't hear you. He says, Did you have a good day? Yes. Everything okay. Yes. And some of the clever mothers say, Are you stupid? Yes. Because he did not hear what you said. And this is why I believe firmly

00:15:00--> 00:15:41

You want to have a happy home, there must be time in your home. When you put aside everything and talk to the people in reality, your spouse, talk to them look in the eye, the warmth that is in the eye of a person is far more spiritual than sending them a message, or tweeting or anything of that nature. So look at the person in the eye, smile at him, that warmth is so reassuring. It builds a whole generation. And it also is something spiritual that develops a connection and the correct feeling between people. This is why look at your children, look them in the eyes, smile at them, tell them things. It's very, very important. Let them know that they are more important than your

00:15:41--> 00:15:52

phone and everything else and you have time for them. Because that is your primary duty. It's a generation that you are building. May Allah subhanho wa Taala help us to fulfill this in the most beautiful way. I mean,

00:15:54--> 00:16:32

so as we were saying some orphans but not orphans. I've spoken about that. And I've explained to you how it's important for me to ask myself, is my child an orphan? Are my children actually orphans, which means I'm there as a father, but am I ever really there for them? Do I spend time with them? What do I give preference to sometimes you have some of us as young people who are growing up, we have our children. And yet, every weekend we are with our friends up to two in the morning with your friends, it's fine to be with your friends sometimes. You know, I had a case where there was a young man who told me I cannot leave my friends because they call me a chicken. You know, they say this

00:16:32--> 00:17:07

man's a chicken. Look, he's scared of his wife. You know, he's frightened of his wife. So I told him, I said, You know what? Tell them Yes, I am frightened of her. But be happy in your home. It's more important. I don't mind if my friends think I'm scared of my wife. But I've got a very happy home, back home. Everyone is smiling and happy. My friends are important, but they are secondary, primarily my family and we are not saying divorce your friends in totality know if they are good company decent set aside a time Mashallah. And you need to abide by those limits, because this is the duty you as a parent would owe to your own children.

00:17:09--> 00:17:37

Another very interesting point, we need to know that parenting is all about relationships, especially the relationship between the spouses, so between you and your wife or your husband, that relationship is part of parenting, silent parenting, you did not speak. But you have such a beautiful relation with your wife or your husband, that your children are watching and they are so reassured, so happy. They grow up believing this is how you should address a female.

00:17:38--> 00:18:21

utmost respect. But sometimes we yell, we scream, we shout, we have no time for anyone. And then what happens? The children grow up mimicking us, and we don't realize my son got married, and he's yelling at his wife exactly as I used to yell at his own mother. This is important for us to know. And this is why we say please, let's take care. Our relationships are extremely important that children mimic better than anyone else. You know, if you are trying to talk to a child before the age of them being able to speak, they actually mimic in a much more beautiful way. Take a look at Little children who read Salah they engage in prayer yet you cannot talk to them. Did you tell the

00:18:21--> 00:18:32

middle child who's six months or one year old that you dress like me? Or for example, pray? No, but the child started praying how many of us have witnessed little kids?

00:18:33--> 00:18:53

They are found Institute when the mother is fulfilling Salah they say I want my job as well or my prayer match as well. And I want to dress exactly like you and I want to do this. Did you tell them anything? No. It's because children mimic they follow so be careful. We are happy when they follow the good habits what's your bad habits because they will follow them behind your back

00:18:54--> 00:19:00

to Allah help us to work on ourselves, then it's important for us to realize

00:19:01--> 00:19:06

we need to understand our children. How do you understand your child?

00:19:07--> 00:19:20

You know to understand children if you look at those who have studied this topic in detail, we will come up with something beautiful. Something I really like and I've spoken about it in the past and we will speak about inshallah tonight very briefly.

00:19:21--> 00:19:59

To understand your child, you need to know the 6868 what are the six eight Let me tell them to you in a slightly different way. If you listen to your child and you notice your child, what have you done to the child? If I'm listening to what my child has to say, when the child comes running home Dad I did well or Mom, this is what happened today. Do stop for a moment look at the child and listen. If you have listened and you notice things when the child Something happened you say what happened here? Did you get hurt? That means I noticed something. If I noticed, and I listened to the child Do you know what

00:20:00--> 00:20:02

I've done, I've given them attention.

00:20:03--> 00:20:44

This attention is so important, it is perhaps one of the most important points of understanding your child and the relationship because if they do not get it from you, they will get it from someone else. Believe me, if you have no time for your child, they have someone who gives them time. And that might be a person who is perhaps not befitting to be even connected to your child, because the bad habits or the evil that that person might be intending might brush off onto the child. And the only thing that was needed of you was just to give them a bit of attention by doing what noticing things, and listening to them. So panela and this is why they call it attention deficit, sometimes a

00:20:44--> 00:21:21

person, you know, they have this deficit, they have a shortage, and it creates disasters, it even results in health problems. Some of the children become closed in the shell, because parents are not interested. So to avoid all this, remember one thing ask yourself, have I listened to my child? Do I notice what goes on when the child does well, the child is dressed well and so on, comment, say something that shows attention. May Allah Subhana Allah bless. So a number one is attention. The second a, when you when you are an understanding person, and you show interest.

00:21:22--> 00:22:02

When you show interest in what the child is doing, and you are understanding the situation of the child, I'm understanding, for example, something arises and rather than, you know, blast the child at the top of my voice, I'm much more understanding, and I engage, and I show an interest in what the child is doing. When that happens. I show acceptance, that is acceptance, the acceptance of the child, I'm accepting my child. And this is the gift of Allah subhanho wa Taala upon as the child looks and searches for acceptance, when you have accepted or you show this acceptance, you nurture and develop a different angle, and a different department within the life of that particular child.

00:22:02--> 00:22:14

So it's important inshallah, for us also to look into the acceptance and the way we show an interest in the lives of our own children. So that is the second day. The third one.

00:22:15--> 00:22:19

When we praise our children, and we value them, we have

00:22:21--> 00:23:01

approved, we have shown approval, to show approval to your child is extremely important. Some of us we've never approved anything, the child has done nothing at all. So we have never praised them. Some cultures believe that you're not allowed to pray, praise your children. I've come across them. They say if you praise your child, it's I mean, it's bad. It's something that's unacceptable. How dare, as muslimeen do, you know, this issue of praising it goes back to Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wasallam. And he has acknowledged the children and he has acknowledged them even when they got to the teen age, there are so many examples of that. There is an example of Muhammad sallallahu alayhi

00:23:01--> 00:23:14

wa sallam where he asked two of those who had wanted to take or participate in the war. And he said, Okay, if the two of you can actually wrestle each other, whoever outpaces the other, he will come with us with me.

00:23:15--> 00:23:39

And so, this took place, one might say, Well, why did that happen? It was development. This was development not only of those two, but even of everyone who was watching everyone who was seeing and witnessing, we ask Allah subhanho wa Taala to help us show this approval to our children, what is extremely important and close to it in meaning is the next day that is acknowledgement, acknowledgement through what

00:23:40--> 00:24:06

we, in fact, appreciation. We spoke about attention, acceptance, approval, then appreciation and that appreciation is through acknowledgement. And thanks, some people don't say thank you to their own children. Thank you. You know, we say just like to say thank you very much, may Allah reward you, good, what you did is excellent and so on. This is extremely important. It shows appreciation, then affection,

00:24:07--> 00:24:21

affection also there are some cultures that believe you cannot show affection to your child. You cannot have your child you cannot teach your child you know the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam once he kissed his grandson. And near him was a man.

00:24:22--> 00:24:28

Allah driving habits according to some narrations, and he asked Mohammed salatu salam a question. He says, You know what?

00:24:29--> 00:24:59

I have seen of the children and I've never kissed any one of them. The Prophet sallallahu Sallam described it as mercy. He says, This is the mercy of Allah, whoever doesn't show mercy will not be shown mercy. So you show mercy you show this link with your child. Love is through two main things one is telling and the other is touching, touching, meaning to embrace, to hug, to embrace your child, if you embrace your child, what have you done, you have actually given the child that boost that you

00:25:00--> 00:25:37

needs inshallah we'll get to this in a few moments, but it's important for us to embrace and even to kiss our children. So Allah, whether it's kissing on the forehead or kissing on the cheeks, different cultures are slightly different. But it's important for us to show the child that you know what I am your parents, and I really care for you and you are one of them, you know, my own, you're my own. So such that the communication levels develop, and this affection results in the child looking up to you, some of us our parents, our children do not look up to us. They don't, not at all. Why? Because we've never shown the link with them. We've never been interested in their lives,

00:25:37--> 00:25:55

we've never acknowledged them, we've never appreciated no approval, and nothing. So May Allah subhanho wa Taala, help us to achieve all this the last a, and that's the sixth one is perhaps one of the most important ones when it comes to parenting, in the sense of guiding.

00:25:56--> 00:25:57

And that is authority.

00:25:58--> 00:26:21

You need to display this authority, in what way by setting rules and guidelines, if there are rules and guidelines. And you have actually shown these rules in a beautiful way, you've made them quite clear, whenever they have been trespassed you have dealt with it in a beautiful way, a very loving but firm, that is a balance that we would need to master

00:26:22--> 00:26:59

to be firm, but very kind, very loving. The child needs to know you know, I have had in my own life with my own children. And remember what I am saying here, we all try our best to fulfill it as best as possible. Sometimes we falter. And we always can get up again and continue. So usually when there is something I don't want one of my children to do, I will sit them down and explain to them look, this is the rule. This is why the rule is there. Because sometimes if you just say do this, they might not understand why you explained to them, this is what will happen. This is the repercussion of it. And this is why we say don't do it. But this is a line. If you do this, it's not going to be

00:26:59--> 00:27:37

a good thing. Firstly, we, you know, it will hurt me. So you talking emotions instead of saying, instead of saying, If you do this, I'm going to get very angry, it might be correct, but you rather word it with emotions, engage the child, if you do this, it's going to hurt me a lot, you know, I will feel the pain and so on. And this is the first way of starting and then you can get to something in Sharla which will be perhaps a little bit more direct May Allah subhanho wa Taala help us and bless us. So just to quickly recap the six A's regarding understanding your child attention, acceptance, approval, appreciation, affection and authority. We ask Allah subhanho wa Taala to grant

00:27:37--> 00:27:41

us a lesson from this and to open our doors inshallah in the right direction,

00:27:42--> 00:28:09

then we have a very, very interesting subtitle known as communication. It obviously comes from what we were just speaking about communication, if you want your child to confide in you, you need to confide in your child as well. And when we talk about confiding in your child, we're not talking about confiding for support, but rather confiding for education. So I would believe that it is wrong for a parent,

00:28:10--> 00:28:23

to use the child as a shoulder when the child needs to be educated. It happens to some of us were a little child that is growing up, we go to the child and we say, you know, I've got a problem with your father.

00:28:24--> 00:29:00

Why are you telling me you actually harming me by telling me, you've got a problem with my father sorted out, go and ask for help from your parents, from your folks. Why are you telling me because now this child is going to look at dad and say, not this dad, he's got a problem with Mom, you know, you you created a disaster yet, a lot of families would have it is quite normal, I would think to have little issues here and there. You know, you have a small, minor misunderstanding and something of that nature, that's your challenge, to sort it out to help solve it. But don't go to a young child or a teenager, and start complaining about huge lifetime complaints about people who are very

00:29:00--> 00:29:34

important in your life in various other matters you might have in a way that it will result in an effect currently and in the future of that particular child. Because there are two types of impacts upon the child. Everything that happens, has a current direct, immediate impact. And it has an effect later on as well. Later on in the life of the child. When the child is 3040 becomes apparent that what happened in the past affects them in one way or another, either positively or negatively. It's important for us to consider this whenever we speak to our children.

00:29:35--> 00:29:46

And this is why sometimes some some parents even prefer and it's I think it's an important point that can be discussed and raised. prefer not to allow some of the younger children

00:29:47--> 00:29:59

to watch the news channels that show a lot of violence. And perhaps a lot of what is going on on the globe today. Sometimes it's not healthy for certain age groups to actually even watch the news

00:30:00--> 00:30:25

But obviously this the reason why we say this is it has been proven that it affects the child, it affects the child in a great way. So we have to talk to the child and explain to them that there are certain bad things that go on and so so that they don't just get a shock one day when they find out, but to watch the graphics of it, sometimes we need to consider restriction, and we need to perhaps explain it in a different way. May Allah subhana wa Jalla bless us. So

00:30:27--> 00:30:49

regarding the methods of getting across to your child, there are so many different ways of getting across to your own child, so many different ways. And like we say, you can either yell at your child or you can engage the child, if you yell, what will you get? Perhaps you will get obedience, you know, immediate obedience, I screamed at the child, and I said, You know what,

00:30:50--> 00:30:58

I want you to do this, and I want you to do that and you are wrong here you are wrong, I will get immediate results. But these results will actually be

00:30:59--> 00:31:43

short lived, they won't be long. But when I engage the child, I will automatically be able to get long term results, long term results. And this is why they say discipline, changes behavior. But punishment suppresses behavior. You know, when I scream, I've suppressed when I punish, I've suppressed. But when I've disciplined in a beautiful way, I've educated, I've actually changed behavior, not just suppress, suppress it. So there is a difference between changing the behavior and suppressing it. Sadly, in a lot of cases, people don't even have time to think of this, and they deal with it as it comes to your mind. As a parent, you do not deal with things just as you wish.

00:31:43--> 00:31:57

No. Before you do things, you are sowing the seed of the future. We'd like generations of children who are tolerant, beautiful when they speak, we can see this person's highly educated, very well managed to Panama.

00:31:58--> 00:32:20

Amazing sometimes you move to certain countries and certain parts of certain countries, you pick up immediately that you know what I think here people are highly educated, perhaps they are a little bit more mature in the way they deal with other people and so on. And I think it goes back to the upbringing, may Allah subhanho wa Taala, bless us, may he make us from those who can do this and who can be of benefit to our own children

00:32:21--> 00:33:00

very quickly and seeing that we do have this topic at hand. And Mashallah, seeing that it's an important lesson for all of us. We have a lot of online viewers as well. And we acknowledge them We ask Allah subhanho wa Taala to help us raise our children and at the same time, we extend the prayer for those who do not have children who perhaps are trying to have children for a while. May Allah bless you through his miracle with offspring really, it is quite sometimes disheartening to listen to how to bring up children. And yet, Allah has not blessed you with children but at the same time remember, Allah plan is always the best for you. He knows what is exactly tailor made for your

00:33:00--> 00:33:40

paradise. That's what he gives you in your life and how you deal with it will take you to paradise or it will delay your entry into paradise. That's just a sweet way of wording it may Allah subhanho wa Taala not make us from those whose entry into paradise is delayed or not make us from those who perhaps might go you know, via via some way before we get there. Allah subhanho wa Taala grounders good, so the first thing that I'd like to make mention of regarding communication, praise your child in front of others. How many of you do that? We are quick. We are very quick to say this child is rubbish. This child is watching you know my, my eldest child is much better but the second one what

00:33:40--> 00:34:12

a boon Allahu Akbar, how can you say that the child listens, the child knows everything is happening. And you you rather say my children that hamdulillah thank Allah, they are good. You know, you don't need to go beyond the limits. But say something the child knows that even the weaknesses I have my mom or my dad does not expose these in front of other people. And this is when you have the greatest impact on your child. You praise the child and even in the face of the child you praise the child Wow, I really appreciate you know what you've achieved. Sometimes we don't do this point number two.

00:34:13--> 00:34:54

Never allow your child to be depressed by lamenting over what the child has did in a dangerous way. What this means is the child is now so self conscious that every small thing the child says no I'm not good enough. I cannot do this. No, I don't look I'm not beautiful. I'm not pretty. You know sometimes you have more than one child and naturally not all of them are of the same complexion. Not all of them look exactly the same. And we make statements now to build on Allah says goddess we say Oh, this one is the ugly one of my house. This is the black sheep. How can you say that go out of your way to say Mashallah, this one is the pretty one. This one might be fair and complexion but

00:34:54--> 00:34:59

this one is my pretty girl. Just to develop the child you need this development. It is punishing

00:35:00--> 00:35:39

To hear from your own parents to say that this one is the black sheep of my family, or this one, no attention. Some people have a bad habit. You know, I was told this by little children who have sent me emails to say, you know, my mother, when we go shopping, she takes my sister and she holds my sister's hand. And because I'm darker in complexion, she makes sure that I'm walking at the back of the maid. While he's happening, how do we do that as muslimeen you take your child be proud of what Allah has given you. It's a blessing others are crying because they don't have children. And here we are abusing our own kids just because of what they look like or the complexion. So remember this,

00:35:39--> 00:36:19

it's an extremely important point for us to look into give importance to your your kids, they are your responsibility. They are your tests from Allah subhanho wa Taala. Your paradise may lie in how you treat those children. May Allah subhanho wa Taala make it easy for us. Very important, be polite and well mannered with your own children, when you tell them you want something like we said a few moments ago, learn to use the words, please. And thank you, and so on, perhaps you know, as muslimeen we will say Jazakallah K, we might use some terms that are islamically, a little bit more compliant. And we would teach them that by using those terms with your own children, you will

00:36:19--> 00:36:27

definitely be able to have trained them to use the same words with others. May Allah subhanho wa Taala make it easy for us, then

00:36:28--> 00:37:12

some people expect the child to be an adult from childhood. And this is dangerous. So your child is only eight years old, and you expect them to do so much like they are old, and they shouldn't be playing and they shouldn't be doing this. No, let your child live the childhood. Let the child enjoy the childhood. With responsibility. Obviously, within limits. There are limits to everything. But do not let your child stop your child from playing. And from doing that which typical children of that age would be doing. No. Today we have the age of the computer and the iPad and the iPhone. I believe they should be age restrictions really, because sometimes we tend out of our affordability or the

00:37:12--> 00:37:51

love that we claim to be having for our children to splash the iPhones and the Samsung's and whatever else that we have to the children and we make them cabbages sometimes, you know, they just sit back, they play games all day every day. If that's the case, we are wrong. But if you don't allow them to play at all, then that is wrong, too. You know, I have a friend. And he happens to be a dietician. And he makes sure his child does not eat a single sweets. Anyone who feeds the child the sweet there is Whoa, whoa. And I happen to say Do you know what the child is a little child? Let the child have a little bit I know you're a dietician, and you know what is best for the child? No,

00:37:51--> 00:38:28

no, no, you have no clue. These are my kids leave me alone. Okay, but I'm engaging you I'm leaving you alone. And ultimately, it's your decision. But talk about it. Don't you think the child deserves you know, also sometimes to put a sweet in his mouth or, and Subhanallah some people don't understand this, that the child grows up if something is dangerous, you know, there is a content in some sweets that might be detrimental for the health then understood. But generally you cannot stop the child from living the childhood. And you need to think back at your childhood as well. And you need to understand how you enjoy the days Mashallah take your child out and enjoy the time in on the

00:38:28--> 00:38:44

swings and the slides here you have a beautiful beach that I saw today is so hard Allah, it's interesting sometimes to just go and spend some time a few moments. And inshallah you will see the results of that later on in life. And sometimes you will also see immediate results. Important also is for us

00:38:46--> 00:38:59

to take the opinion of our own children, ask them, what's your view on this, no matter how little your child is, you know, you want to go on holiday, I'm going to tell you something, the children who are here might actually now know our tricks. But anyway, let's let's say

00:39:00--> 00:39:03

if you want to go on holiday, and you've already decided where to go,

00:39:04--> 00:39:06

rather than just say, right, this is where we're going

00:39:07--> 00:39:42

get your children and say Where do you want to go? You've already decided where do you want to go? And they start saying let them say so many things. And what you do is market the place you want to take them to in a nice way, in a beautiful way. So they will say yes, that's a good idea. I think that's it say so next time we'll go to the other place. Yes. So they feel that they are the ones who made the decision. And yet you always knew I just marketed it to them in a beautiful way. And they feel so they'll enjoy that holiday more than anywhere else. Because they looking forward to the problem with us. We just dish out instructions. We've never sometimes thought of seeking the opinion

00:39:42--> 00:39:57

of my child. How can I ask my child? The child is so small, but the child develops confidence. You know, my father asks me Come on Who are you man? My father actually asked me to say what should I do and where should I go and so on. And you know sometimes like I always give one example and I really like it when

00:40:00--> 00:40:36

The color of the vehicle. So you include your family in the color, you know, you say looking, shall we buying a vehicle? What color would you like? So they are so interested in the color and given to the color I tell you why the make and model you've already decided, Mashallah, that was much more important, isn't it. So instead of you decided to make in the model and let them choose the color, this is one example it might not fit in your lives, but I'm just saying you can actually fit other things using the same model. May Allah subhanho wa Taala grant us the ability to give importance to our children in a way that we develop their self confidence because if they are confident people

00:40:36--> 00:41:10

will not be able to dupe them into doing that which is detrimental for them. You know, if you have children who are abused and children, a lot of the times it's those who are not self confident, they don't have enough attention. And sometimes they don't even know how to deal with things. And sometimes children are abused, and they keep quiet for years on end. And they don't say one of the reasons is they were never taught how to communicate. They were never taught how to talk, you will never a friend of your child, the child should immediately said you know what something happened today. And this is what happened. Deal with it the same day. Don't wait for the next day. May Allah

00:41:10--> 00:41:49

subhanho wa Taala help us you know, someone asked me about lying, that my child lies a lot, lies a lot. And this happens, you know, as child children grow up, some people say children will never lie. But the truth is no, they would lie sometimes. But why? A lot of the times there is a reason and sometimes because the way you react to the truth is so harsh that they just prefer to lie. They'll even lie to you. Today, we had an examination at school and I came first and you say Wow, well done. There was no exam and there was no even positioning. You don't even know. But just to get appreciation, the child is telling you something totally false. Come on. It's about time you reacted

00:41:49--> 00:42:27

to the truth in a way that the next time they tell you the truth mom, we had an exam today or dad you know what I actually came last. So now are you gonna become red and hot and say I'm wasting my money and I'm this you engaged? You know what what happened? Oh, it's okay. It's okay. It's okay don't worry, you know what next time inshallah you do much better. But then you need to know the reason. So you engage the child to see what happened. Someone hassling you Something happened, do you? Did you oversleep or did you not study or something and you engage in a beautiful way, this beautiful engagement is your test. We ask Allah Subhana Allah to help us understand that the time

00:42:27--> 00:42:58

that we have with our children is very limited before you know it. They're grown up, they're married and they have children of their own. The sad reality. A lot of parents, a lot of parents become parents when they themselves are still children who need help. So you find I'm 18 years old and 20 years old, 22 years old, first child, and yet you still a child you need help yourself. This is why I say time is limited, very limited. Learn to deal with your children and in a beautiful way so that you can pass the baton on May Allah subhanho wa Taala help us

00:43:00--> 00:43:41

also extremely important, learn to pray with your children. Take the time, give importance to your boys, take him to the masjid in the case of the men and you know, give importance to him. Make sure that you give importance to prayer. The minute you hear the man everything must change. If your child witnesses this, the child will immediately respond to it in a similar way. Also with it with the women folk Mashallah The same applies where you have, the daughters would actually follow up and we pray together and we don't make it a burden, not a burden. Sometimes people say you must come here to fulfill it and show that you have so much enjoyment and comfort and ease from it themselves.

00:43:41--> 00:44:21

They just look at you and say mom, I want to pray look at how happy you are. Whenever you pray. You're such a happy person. The sad reality is we have last minute.com system. Santa, okay, just now, especially in the home talking here. You know, I hope the brothers can actually rush to the masjid but it means Okay, there's still five minutes remaining. Okay, there's too many. Okay, I'll manage Oh, and before you know it, the time is up and it's gone. May Allah forgive us? May he make us regular one of the most important things you as a parent needs to inculcate in the children you Allah has blessed you with is the link with Allah, the link with the maker and if you don't have it,

00:44:21--> 00:44:53

how are they going to get it? And this is why we say they are very important point if you have bad habits, never in front of your children. Never, you know, smoking bad habit. I know across the globe, there's so many people who smoke but we say congratulations to those who can give it up have given it up and those who will give it up tonight also inshallah, congratulations Mashallah. Well, it was a beautiful achievement. But we also must acknowledge the goodness of those

00:44:54--> 00:45:00

who smoke but not in front of their children and wearing it carefully because we're not acknowledging anybody.

00:45:00--> 00:45:22

Isn't smoking? No, there isn't. But what we're saying is, you are ashamed Enough of your bad habit to do it behind the back of your children. And this is why we say you have a bad habit. Never in front of your kids, it's bad enough that you have it. You want to pass it on? No, don't don't. And you know, it brings me to another point that comes to my mind. Sometimes we have a little domestic issue in the home.

00:45:23--> 00:46:01

Never ever raise your voice with your spouse in the presence of your children. Never, never, ever admonish school shout, or show that you have some dispute, get into your room, perhaps lock the door, make sure that guys are asleep. And then you can start talking and see what you have to very important because it affects them in a huge way, in a really big way. And you won't know they will have sleepless nights. I know I'm a counselor. And I can tell you that type of emails we get sometimes we don't even know how to respond when the child says I couldn't sleep for one week, because I heard my mum and dad yelling at each other. And I can't believe I'm too frightened to lose

00:46:01--> 00:46:01

any one of them.

00:46:03--> 00:46:22

And this happens, and these are real life issues. So be careful. Come on, it's important for you to know that when you have a little bit of a mess, something you're trying to deal with. Ask yourself, is it worth it doing this in front of my children? I have seen cases I've seen a man. And I know this man.

00:46:23--> 00:46:29

And I've seen him in the mall. We were actually walking through a mall and he was walking about

00:46:30--> 00:46:47

you know, so many meters in front of his family and his family were walking at the back with his children, wife and children were walking. And I got in, he greeted me and I greeted him back. And I told him, You know, I said, Why are you walking so far away from your family? You know, get them a bit closer, you know, walk with him. He says they irritate me, I said, well, then Subhanallah you need help.

00:46:48--> 00:46:49

You need help. It's the truth.

00:46:51--> 00:47:00

So what develop your levels, your children have to laugh, they have to pull yourself they have to miss they have to do so many things. I was attending a lecture once, and

00:47:01--> 00:47:37

my little son happened two or three times it's happened to me where they miss your clothes and you don't know and nobody will even notice. And if they notice, they know you're a father, it's okay. It's fine. What's the big deal? Mashallah, once I was delivering a lecture, some of you might see one of them on series, I think it was the 21st to 22nd night of jewels of the Quran. And my little son happened to climb the member behind me and I don't know why everyone is laughing. And busy talking to the crowd, the cameras there, the thing is being beamed across wherever it is. And my son is behind me. And he's actually making faces and doing all sorts of things from the back.

00:47:39--> 00:47:40

It's one of those things.

00:47:42--> 00:48:19

I know, when I knew that it was him. It changed me It actually you could actually sense in the talk that something's happened here. But I had to deal with it because I cannot turn around and say Hey, get down and do this and do that. It's okay now children, let them be children. May Allah subhanho wa Taala help us to not be embarrassed to not be embarrassed to the degree that you distance yourself from your own children. How can that be even your spouse, walk with them, carry them play with them, that is the sooner Muhammad Sallallahu Sallam once he delayed in sujood. You know, sujood is the frustration in Salah in prayer, such an important posture acabo Maya coonan Abdullah, be more

00:48:19--> 00:48:57

who is the closest that a slave is to his job and his Lord is in the position of frustration. And the Prophet sallallahu Sallam was delaying so much. And you know what the reason was, his grandson was on his back. And he didn't want to get up and drop him. So he waited until the grandson finished playing and went down. And he kept on praising Allah subhanho wa Taala. And he got up amazing. They were instances when he carried him in his hand while he was praying. And you know what, today I don't think we would really be able to do much of that in the masjid because nowadays the tolerance levels have dropped so much that even if you bring your child someone might come and say, You know

00:48:57--> 00:48:59

what, this child is too young, please don't bring the child anymore to the rescue.

00:49:01--> 00:49:39

That's what they would say. And perhaps they wouldn't you know, the Prophet sallallahu Sallam is reporting correct idea that he used to make haste with Salah when he heard the screaming of children at the back. You know, when when the children made a noise at the back of someone and he would make a little bit of haste and he would try and complete the Salah so that the mothers can have a bit of relief. It's not so easy. This is the sooner we are we we become parents and we think we know it all go back to Muhammad Sallallahu Sallam Believe me you'll be amazed and surprised at all the points we derive when we learn from Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam his life and the way he treated his

00:49:39--> 00:49:40

family and his children and so on.

00:49:41--> 00:49:48

Another extremely important point some people promised their children you know what if you do this I'll give you a sweet then when they do it. No sweet comes

00:49:50--> 00:49:59

as dangerous you know they work towards if you say if you do this end of the year, we're going on holiday. Come end of the year, no holiday comes. So what happens the child loses trust.

00:50:00--> 00:50:30

mistrust no more, I don't have any trust anymore. The reason is, this father or mother of mine, every time they promised me something, they never deliver the goods promised something small, but deliver it. If the child has done something, deliver the thing, because if you do that, it encourages and boosts the child number one, and number two, it builds the trust between you and the child. The next time you say something, the child knows my mother's truthful, my father, very truthful person. So be truthful and learn to fulfill the promises that you make for your own children.

00:50:31--> 00:51:10

Also, extremely important, sit with your children and tell them Tales of the past your life. You know, when I was growing up, this is what happened. We had a time when this happened. And that happened. You know, we used to walk to school, and we used to have shoes that had holes in them. And you know, amazing and the child will say what, because you do not realize how fast the world is moving. Do you know that there are children who I mean, I'm taking a look at my age, roughly, for example, and the average age of us who are seated here today, there are children who grew up and who were born and they are growing up in the age of the mobile phone in a way that they think it is

00:51:10--> 00:51:50

absolutely normal to ignore people and to be on the phone, because that's the only thing they've seen their entire lives. So we don't realize they don't even know there was a time 1996 when or in fact 1990 when if you needed to call a different continent, you had to phone the operator and book a call. And they would call you back and say we have connected your call and you speak and they counting the seconds and you pay so much per second. I recall when I was a student in Madina munawwara we used to only have those phones, no mobile no nothing. We used to have those phones with the coins. It was 17 coins a minute, that's what we used to pay 17 Today we have, you know free

00:51:50--> 00:52:21

Skype, you can talk to them, and they can see you and you can smile and mean for three Mashallah. But that time, it was so expensive. Talk to them about it, you know, in our days, let me show you what the pay phone is all about. After that they introduced a little card you would put in the card, and then you would press and after that they introduced what was known as cabinas caviness, meaning you actually would go there and phone and sometimes they would link you with your house, I had a link with one of the guys. And from sitting at my home, I would connect through him. And this is what was happening. And today. They are out of business, believe me, they are out of business

00:52:21--> 00:52:52

because it's something far away. But for our children, talk to them about the times, you know, Gone are the days, I really enjoy the stories of how long it took from one city to another the type of cars they had. Still I enjoy these stories because it's amazing. I can give you a story. My little brother, the first time that he ever tasted Coca Cola. In fact, he's older than me. But when he was little, the first time he ever tasted coke. And while I this is a true story, my own family my brother will probably be listening to this and laughing.

00:52:53--> 00:52:57

The first time he drank coke he told my mother, I don't like this is anything it?

00:52:59--> 00:53:09

You know, that means? It's the guess, the gas in the coke. I don't like this, this ends in it. And after that he became one of the biggest coke drinkers you could have?

00:53:11--> 00:53:29

And I certainly think How could you say Anthony Do you know because just because of the gas in your mouth. Today, the little kids from from when they can drink we start feeding them a bit of coke. That's very bad for the house. But anyway, this is what has happened, life has changed. So tell them stories of the past, you will be able to develop the link. And so much will happen.

00:53:30--> 00:53:51

Also of importance is to teach your child how to say no when something negative happens when there is something that is wrong. You teach your child to say no. So they don't just participate in everything being polite. Sometimes politeness is to say no in a beautiful way. This is extremely important also of importance is

00:53:52--> 00:54:34

when the child has failed in something. How do you react to the child? We spoke about it slightly. And it's important for us to think about it. Don't react in a way that the child becomes depressed that is your child. If you do not appreciate the child who will do that in your place. Perhaps the child might look for attention and appreciation elsewhere and we regret for an entire lifetime. Also if you have more than one child, be fe that is a tsunami. be balanced. Make sure that you make them all feel loved and you make them all feel, you know this beautiful feeling that Subhana Allah, Allah subhanho wa Taala has blessed us with these parents and Allah subhanho wa Taala has granted us peace

00:54:34--> 00:54:48

and goodness. And we asked Allah subhanho wa Taala to help us. I think I'm hearing the other if I'm not mistaken. Can we pause for a moment in Sharla respecting and responding the caller Sharma just pausing we see seated here but we will answer the other.

00:54:54--> 00:54:55

Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah.

00:54:56--> 00:54:59

We were speaking about the various points

00:55:00--> 00:55:43

A point that has just come to my mind at the moment is something extremely important, where the Islamic values will always remain the same. Remember this, the Islamic values do not change, they will remain the same, but the style and the method is what changes. So the value is the same Islamic values, how you portray them, how you educate them in that regard, that may change with the changing of time, you know, we have something nowadays known as brownie points, you can give them in so many different ways to your little children, you know, you have, say, on your fridge, you might have a little card or a few, a little, maybe a board, where you pin a star, every time the child does

00:55:43--> 00:56:20

something good and you tell them you get 10 stars, and inshallah you will have a surprise. So the child has one star, two stars, Well done, well done, then when the if they do something that's not good, you might delete a star, talk to them and say, Look, one star goes, you have to pay for this. And when they get to 10, give it to them. So Pamela, This encourages Allah subhanho wa Taala has asked us to compete when it comes to paradise. And guess what he's done. He's described snippets of paradise for us to work towards it, and we know we're going to get it. So this shows us that when you have told your child that if you get 10 stars, you better get something, it will help the child

00:56:20--> 00:57:00

support an ally in such a beautiful way. They have a goal and an aim. I want 10 stars, I have a son. At school, he has spelling tests. And every time the spelling tests, the person who gets the top results they have their name put on. And you know what he comes back and says My name is john day, my name is Andy. They are so happy system Name something when I teach little children, I have a habit of every single day, I have two lists, those who are good and those who are bad. This is something interesting. And so what I do is I make sure that I write maximum number of names on the side, which says those who are good, guess what? Those who are bad. I never ever write names of

00:57:00--> 00:57:30

them. But I set them to say, you know, what? Do you want your name to go on here and say no, no, no, no, we don't want Okay, there you are. Meaning it's a beautiful way of looking at things. When I say threatened. I don't mean in a bad way. We're talking of telling them you might have your name on there. But don't worry, I don't think you deserve it yet. And keep on saying that until the lesson is over. And then when they when they go, they'll talk about it for the day. Wow, we had our names on the right side, it means so much to them. And for you. You know what I've actually done recently, we opened the madrasa back in Zimbabwe. And the beginning the first few weeks I was teaching, we

00:57:30--> 00:57:48

were teaching elephant back to the kids. And I remember very clearly I said would you like a watch? And the child says yes. So I drew a watch on the board. That's your watch your name is next to it. Well, I and would you like a car? Yes, I drew a car on the board and I put the name that's your car. And they went home today I got to watch father says where's it says it was on the board.

00:57:50--> 00:58:12

But to be honest with you, it's something that helps it is just a system you need to think of these things in order to get this you know, relationship going between me and the child to say look, you know, what is your car? Imagine that I got a car. It's a Toyota. That is wow, where is it? This is on the board. I mean, it's so but it's good. Mashallah Hamdulillah, Allah subhanho wa Taala help us.

00:58:14--> 00:58:53

Also, what's very important is to avoid anger. We spoke about it from a different angle. But I know sometimes we become upset. You can show the child that you're upset but avoid anger. Anger is something dangerous. The Prophet sallallahu Sallam says, and he warns even one youth who came to him, and he asked him for advice. He repeated the statement la blah, blah, blah, do not get angry, do not get angry. When you are angry. it impairs the way you deal with things, your judgment is impaired, the way you actually tackle matters is changed. So this is why we must make sure that anger we control and we make sure that we if we are becoming upset and angry, there is a way of

00:58:53--> 00:59:32

dealing with it. We should be we should become we should ask Allah protection from shape on and so on, especially when dealing with our own children. I want to quickly move to the last subtitle, and that is positive living. It's important to develop a deep rooted relationship with your children to create a positive emotional environment. I stopped there for a minute. You enter some homes and you know what happens? Everyone is blooming. Everyone is so gloomy. You just feel like what am I doing here? It's happened to me. You enter a house and people are just looking down. And they're so sad. When you know they're frowning and everyone's just looking at each other. No communication between

00:59:32--> 01:00:00

the people not even with you as a visitor sometimes. And Subhanallah that is so dangerous. emotionally. You are sapping the people who are there your own family members you need to create a positive emotional environment. I know some moms who Mashallah even when they are sick and Ill they come out of their beds and they you know, they make sure they pack away their children's lunch and send them off to school with a smile and they'll get back to the big car Allah helped me. I'm so unwell today but they did not show that to the

01:00:00--> 01:00:25

child. I know sometimes it's not so easy but to create this positive environment goes so far in bringing up the child in a way that is positive. Everything that happens to the child, the child comes back home looking forward to the home. Hey, I'm running home. You know, if you picture in your mind, a child's rushing back home to hug the mom and another child depressed, walking back thinking, What's going to happen when I go home?

01:00:26--> 01:00:27

Which one do you want?

01:00:29--> 01:01:04

Wouldn't you like your child? Looking at the watch? Sometimes it's almost home time. Yeah, my dad's gonna be there waiting there to pick me up. Isn't that a beautiful feeling. And other See, I wish this thing doesn't stop. I don't even want to look at my day. I don't even want to see I don't even want to go home, create the positive environment, make sure that you work towards Allah subhanho wa Taala help us like we said, you have to strive to achieve, it doesn't just come like that some people are a bit more gifted, perhaps. But it's an it's a striving, you need to force yourself to do things in a positive way. And ask Allah help. And this brings us to an important point also. And

01:01:04--> 01:01:08

that is be concerned about the health of your child.

01:01:09--> 01:01:44

You know, some people the child is sick, they say, Don't worry, if you still got this cough after one week that will go to the doctor. By that time, the child might be half dead, you don't even know what happened. Mashallah, you are living in a country where medical attention is very easily accessible. There are some countries where it's so difficult, well, it's your duty, your health of your child is so important. My beloved fathers and mothers take it seriously. Now there is the other extreme where something small happens and you quickly rush to the doctor. That's another extreme because every day you'll be at the hospital, believe me, you know, the child will grow up in the

01:01:44--> 01:02:14

hospital. You know, amazing. I know of one case where we visited the doctor and we were sitting there and we had an issue and someone comes in with the child and there was nothing looking you know nothing. There was it was not looking like anything wrong with the child. And I asked this man who was there? You know, Salama, you know, I hope everything's okay. You know, I love the crunchy fast. Yeah, you see this, his eyes a bit swollen. I said, Okay, I saw what happened. And I could see absolutely nothing. Nothing. And so

01:02:15--> 01:02:47

a little while later, I assume perhaps there was like pink ice or something happened? No, no, we were just looking at the eyes looking at the eyes. And my wife told me no, this is a bit swollen. And I'm saying no. But she looked at it. She said no. swollen. I said, What do you mean? She's no, then she said, just take him to the doctor to check to make sure. I said so. Hon Allah, you're looking at things. Obviously I let them be because sometimes people have this nature. But I felt that that was a bit exaggeration. You know, sometimes you There's nothing wrong. You know, if I tell you there's a line, we did it with one of our teachers once when I was in high school, I've given

01:02:47--> 01:03:24

this example before, perhaps, you know, you'll enjoy it. Perhaps some of you might know it. We had a teacher and she used to teach us math. And she was so so so strict, and so much work within that little time that was allotted to her. So we decided we were learning, you know, biology and science and so on. And we were learning about how people think and we said no, let's try it on her. So early in the morning, we had so many about 30 of us but planted in different places throughout the school where she would be walking. And as soon as she came to the school, you know, we would go money, ma'am. Can I help you with your books? You know, because she has some books in hand. So on money,

01:03:24--> 01:03:57

man, can I help you with your book? She says yes, yes. Yes, ma'am. Is there something wrong? You're not looking so well? No, I'm fine. There's absolutely nothing wrong with me. Wow. Okay, man, but I just you just thinking maybe perhaps you're not looking too well. And then she walked a little bit. And the one guy was carrying her books. And there was another person planted by the stairs. Now she got to the stage. Someone says, you know, we stand up. That was the discipline at the school. I went to you stand up and you greet me, ma'am. Are you okay? Man? You're not looking too? Well? No, I'm fine. You know. And guess what, by the time she got all the way to her classroom, and this is a true

01:03:57--> 01:04:09

story. We pranked it. As she got to the classroom and she says she entered the classroom, there must have been about 20 people who told her how sick she was looking that day. When she got to the classroom. She says morning boys.

01:04:10--> 01:04:11

I'm not feeling too well today.

01:04:14--> 01:04:19

You can have a free lesson. I think I just need to, you know, and I swayed with

01:04:20--> 01:04:27

and the reason why I say this is because psychologically, everyone is saying you're looking sick. So then you definitely say

01:04:29--> 01:04:42

okay, I'm sick. And this is this is just an example I'm giving it sometimes out of something out of nothing. We make something. Remember that with your children take things seriously but you don't have to over exaggerate. May Allah subhanho wa Taala help us

01:04:44--> 01:04:49

something extremely important. And this is a point someone yesterday told me to raise

01:04:50--> 01:04:55

because it's a very, very pertinent issue, the issue of marriage marriage of your children.

01:04:57--> 01:04:59

Now your child has grown Mashallah. And the child was

01:05:00--> 01:05:42

To get married, I say something. Why is it that we show the most keen interest in the life of the child, when the child is about to marry when we were absent throughout the upbringing of that child, it happens, I never took part in my child's life. Now suddenly, the child went to varsity and went elsewhere and did this and did that. And they come up with something which might not be exactly the ideal that I had a dream of. And then I make such a show of it, that the whole, you know, there is war in my home for such a long time. The reason is, I did not participate in the life of my child, I had a dream person that my child would marry. But I never related it in a beautiful way, because I

01:05:42--> 01:06:22

had no relationship. This is what it is, I believe, if you have a solid relationship from a young age, so beautiful, open communication, like a booklet, you know, people say a parent should be nowadays more a friend than a parent, I think you know, what we there is a difference between a friend and a parent. But we can bring the two together and be very, very good friends as parents, because there is a slight difference a parent, actually what is what is the duty is guiding as well, and perhaps a little bit of authority as well. Whereas a friend might not be able to have any authority. But I believe the engaging from the beginning of the life of the child would be if it was

01:06:22--> 01:06:32

good, when the child makes decisions, the first person who would know is you so you can guide them from the beginning. You know what beautiful choice? You know what, I don't think we should go in this direction.

01:06:33--> 01:06:39

You know, it's so tricky, because today, people ask at what age should we talk about marriage to our children.

01:06:40--> 01:07:18

There's no specific age, it depends on your culture depends on your norm depends on the upbringing, but I believe the way you treat your childhood already sent strong messages to the child from a very early age as to what they should be looking for in a spouse, and that the early age perhaps 1213, you can start talking to them about the type of spouse that should interest them. And the reason why I say this, you know, someone might be thinking, Okay, the proper Islamic way of doing things is that it must come from here. And it must do that to you know, what reality on the ground is something else, sometimes a lot of cases and I know of people living in, you know, the Western

01:07:18--> 01:07:21

countries and so on, even where I come from the son,

01:07:22--> 01:07:57

or the daughter will come up and say that I found someone get married. That's what happens in a lot of countries. I, I don't think it's the norm here. But it does happen. A lot of countries will say I found someone and dad will say, well, who's the lucky? I know, friends of mine, who have told me my daughter found someone you know what, according to some cultures, that is absolutely unacceptable. In fact, according to the Islamic norm, it's not the ideal way of doing things. No, it isn't. But if reality has struck, what do you do as a parent, it's something it's very tricky. I believe, before you get to that day, you already need to engage the child so that the day that the child grows

01:07:57--> 01:08:12

older, they allow you or they make you a part of their decisions. But if you were never there, you will not be there even when they decide to say that. Anyway, you made a mistake with mom or Mom, you made a mistake with dad anyway, I don't want to repeat the same mistakes.

01:08:14--> 01:08:51

It happens. So we ask Allah subhanho wa Taala to guide us. And this is why we say a marriage of the children participate in it in a beautiful way. Then, if you have had a case, which might not be the ideal, where someone your soup your child has come to you and told you that you know, this is what I'd like to achieve. And you know, you might not be so keen, ask yourself one main question. Firstly, you may want to talk to the child, engage the child, ask them their reasons, try and educate them, try and help them try and wean them off something. Sometimes kids might only come to you two years after they've already promised someone and ready to marry them. After two years. They

01:08:51--> 01:09:26

tell you You know what, that someone and you think it's fresh, you don't know. It's two years old, three years old, seven years old, you don't even know because you were a dad who was never really there. This is something tricky. But obviously with the environment around and with the internet and so on. There is so much that goes on. You need to guide your children from an early age, like I say, then you try and wean them off by communication education and trying to talk to them, engage them, delay them a little bit. If you get to a stage, you know, like they say when the push gets to the shelf, then you need to understand what to do. Ask yourself one final question.

01:09:27--> 01:09:40

Is this allowed in Islam? If it is, as much as I have to swallow the pill, let me swallow it and let them make a mistake rather than lose their minds. I have come across more than 10 cases

01:09:41--> 01:09:51

of children who have lost their minds. they've suffered mental depression of a very, very serious state.

01:09:52--> 01:09:59

Because something went wrong in a love life that was not supposed to have been in the first place.

01:10:00--> 01:10:00

Live.

01:10:02--> 01:10:40

And this is reality. Like I said tonight, we don't want to speak fantasy, we are talking real life issues that affect us on the ground. You may or may not have gone through it, it may or may not be applicable directly and immediately to you, but believe me, it's happening. And the reason is, sometimes the parents are so unreasonable, what's wrong? What is it? Allah subhanho wa Taala help us engage your children help them if it is allowed and permissible and and if it can happen, and you've tried your best to guide them, then let it happen. Perhaps it might be the best way this is why seek guidance. And there is one thing that has to be the underlying factor.

01:10:41--> 01:10:56

If you are always worried about the world, what the world is going to say about you, you might make the wrong decisions in life. Remember this, sometimes you have to champion a cause that you are the leader of Believe me.

01:10:58--> 01:11:33

I am worried what's the world going to say? The whole world is worried of what the rest of the world is going to say. So we all living a life that other people would like to see us living. None of us are living our own lives. This is what happens. I need to ask myself, what does my Lord have to say about it? What does Allah have to say? What is it in Islam? Is it allowed? Is it not allowed? Am I fine tuning this with what my faith is? If that is the case, Alhamdulillah I'm heading in the right direction. May Allah subhanho wa Taala bless us all. The final point I'd like to make mention of before I close is to supplication.

01:11:34--> 01:12:13

supplication is extremely important. You know sometimes we think we are very intelligent, very intelligent, I can do things we forget to pray, ask Allah, Allah, help my children and help me be a good parent. We asked Allah subhanho wa Taala, to show us the path and to show them the path to help us be effective. Oh Allah, my weaknesses, cover them from my children. And Allah develop them in a beautiful way. And Allah help them through their weaknesses. And Allah whatever they need, help him, expose it to me in a way that I can help them and grant me the ability to help them in that sometimes your children need help. They don't ask you, and sometimes you don't pick it up. But if

01:12:13--> 01:12:49

you ask Allah to show it to you by Allah will, those are your children, don't be a person who curses the children, the Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam speaks of, of a parent, that supplication of a parent, it's dangerous to curse your own kids, some people every little thing. You know, I don't even want to say those words. They're so bad, but they on the tongues, every little thing. You curse the father and you curse this person and you curse that one, and you curse your kids and you curse. Why? rather spend that moment to make a good dog. rather spend the moment to supplicate in a way that amazingly the child will benefit just from your supplication, because Allah

01:12:49--> 01:13:29

is in control. Didn't I start this talk by saying the one who is in absolute control of every aspect of existence, that is rumble al amin, my brothers and sisters, I have shared with you just a few of the notes that I have on parenting. And this is as Muslims we have spoken today and this is why you will hear a lot of the quotations from the Quran and the Sunnah, and you will hear the guidelines as muslimeen We ask Allah subhanho wa Taala to bless us, there is still a lot that can be said about parenting and a lot that still has to be said about parenting. It cannot just end in one session, but this is just inshallah an encouragement for us to head in the right direction to be able to talk

01:13:29--> 01:14:01

about it, perhaps we can have more workshops, we can share ideas, that's also a very important point. You have friends, your friends, have children, talk to them. Sometimes, you know, when your child was growing up, what did you do? And they say, Oh, I sent my child here and this is what I did. I got them into good company. I made sure I did this and you learn from it. So we share our experiences. And I think it's really really beautiful, to listen to the experiences of others and to learn from them and let them also learn from us. akula matters now. I've said whatever you've heard, I asked Allah subhanho wa Taala to accept it from us in a few moments. inshallah, I will be reading

01:14:01--> 01:14:08

some of the questions that are here. In the meantime, zachman Lafave, thank you so much for your listening. we pause just for a few moments.