Mufti Menk – My Parents are Harsh!

			Salam Alaikum, at times, we're very hard on our children, because our parents were like that with
us. Without realizing that the generation changes, the harshness that our parents perhaps had with
us may have been appropriate at the time. I for one was beaten corporal punishment. But I enjoyed it
in the sense that I feel today, I would never hold it against my parents. That was their way of
discipline at the time it worked. That's why we are who we are today, I'd think. But as time
progressed, they were better means to discipline the children and the world has changed. We engage
the child, we have other methods of convincing the child to do what is right. We have other methods
		

			of penalizing or punishing the child where they deserve it to, obviously to the proportion of the
sin or the crime or whatever wrong they've done. But my brothers and sisters, there are two things
one is, if you're a parent, learn to be kind with your children. If the Prophet sallallahu Sallam
has asked you to be kind with ordinary human beings, doesn't charity begins at home, shouldn't we be
even more kind with those in our own families, Cairo, Cairo, camellia Lee, the best from among you,
those who are best to their families, their spouses to begin with, and then the extended family.
That's what it is. So if you're a parent, or you're an older sibling, or you're an adult, who is
		

			looked up to remember, don't be too harsh and hard on those who are below you in terms of age, or
even in terms of discipline, if you're disciplining them, do so in a beautiful way. Talk to them,
understand the way the world has changed and is changing what's right is right and will remain right
up to the end of time. What's wrong is wrong and will remain wrong up to the end of time. But the
approach differs, the manner of speaking, the manner of convincing educating changes, these methods
change with the changing of times just like the method of getting from point A to point B if it was
walking or on animal back before. Now, it may be on a car or in a car or bus or some other mode of
		

			transport. And who knows, you may be on a drone very soon. SubhanAllah. So in the same way,
remember, the method changes, don't be too hard and harsh, because you will chase your children
away. If you're a teacher, especially religious instruction, when you're hard and harsh. you chase
the children away from the religion, you chase them away from Allah, when we talk to them and keep
on reminding them only of the punishment without telling them about the mercy of Allah, then we
build the fear such that they begin to struggle with mental health issues because of the fear we
instilled in them without the balance of the mercy of Allah subhanho wa Taala. Notice in the Quran,
		

			every time Allah speaks of the punishment, he quickly adds to that his mercy. And every time he
speaks about the mercy, he reminds them that his punishment is real. So that's a law striking the
balance, learn to strike the balance. And if you're a child, and your parent has been harsh and hard
on you in the past, excuse them, forgive them, don't hold it against them, because they may have
been doing something the way their parents did to them, or because of their love for you, they might
have wanted to discipline you upon a very, very high level. And to them, they probably thought this
is the way to do it. Because this is what I know, without realizing that out there. Perhaps
		

			everything has changed. So as they begin to realize if you were to hold against them, the harshness
that they had in the past, you know what it would be baggage on your shoulders, and you wouldn't be
able to embrace your family in a beautiful way. So learn to understand if your father or mother or a
parent or a guardian has been hard on you in the past. And they've changed their ways to a certain
extent, and they've become much better people let go let go of what happened. Let it go. That's the
way it should be. Because I don't believe that they did it because they hate you. They built you
like I told you I I was beaten. And I really praise my parents. In fact, I've learned so much I am
		

			who I am because of the discipline the upbringing, but I would not employ the same method with my
children simply because the generation has changed. It's no longer effective. In fact, it has a
negative impact today, if you were to do that. So therefore I'm employing other methods and the
methods I employ perhaps in the next generations even that might be outdated, who knows. So
therefore, my beloved children, those of us who may have been hurt by the way our parents were hard
and harsh and disciplined rules, regulations, and so on.
		

			I'd like to think most of them are doing it out of love, they want to see you rise and shine, they
want to see you upon the best possible version that they can get you to. And that's why don't hold
it against them. May Allah bless you all, may Allah grant you goodness, I pray that on both sides we
can improve. Parents can also improve their methods of parenting, and inshallah the children can
improve the way they look at their parents sometimes, and I've known of people who've held against
their parents some way of upbringing yet, given the circumstances, they did their best, if you are
one of several siblings, and you notice that your parent is now favoring this, the slightly younger
		

			child, perhaps their methods have changed. It's not that they are favoring them. Mostly, it's not
that it is because the Times have changed. I know some parents couldn't afford things in the past.
So they didn't give some of the older children certain things later, when they could afford things
they started giving the younger ones. And then the older ones begin to think or began to think in
some cases, that my parent hates me, my mother doesn't like me, because look at what they're doing
for the little one. But that wasn't the case, they didn't have the means at the time. You didn't
know, perhaps they were going through tough times when you were young. So that was just Allah, and
		

			he wanted you perhaps to be around at a particular time. technology has advanced everything else has
advanced. And that is why the opposite is also true. If your family is struggling financially today,
don't think they're not buying new things or getting new things because they got the older sibling
something, sometimes it's because they can't afford it anymore. So remember to look for these
reasons, excuses. And at the end of the day, I think we should all be loving each other and
forgiving, excusing, embracing, letting go. And in that way we will have better families. Yes, the
exception is when there are really evil parents. Sometimes parents engage in Stanford or love black
		

			magic against their own children. Sometimes they are so abusive, sometimes they have sexually abused
their own kids. Sometimes they they verbally continually abused, and they haven't changed their ways
and habits. And it is such that it's haram from an Islamic perspective. In that case, it is an
exception. They need help. May Allah guide us all. And no matter what curse they may have dished out
in your direction. Allah does not allow a curse to be effective if it is not deserved. Voila, he
will macusa you in Libya, Lee, you know, the evil plot and plan is not deserved, except by the ones
who have planned it and plotted it alone will not allow a plan that is evil to affect anyone whom it
		

			does not. It is not deserved upon. So let's understand this, my brothers and sisters, not every
child. And not everyone has been brought up the way you were privileged to be brought up. So don't
just judge people when they say my mother is not a good person. My father is not a good person. They
may not be a good person, perhaps you were lucky. People say just forgive, just forget. Yes. That is
within a certain circle. Like I said today, forgive your folks understand them as best as possible.
In most cases, they are loving, they love you, they care for you. Love is not all about money and
letting you do what you want. That's not love. In fact, I want to say those parents who let their
		

			children do everything they want without looking at what's right and wrong. Don't truly love the
child because they haven't thought about it. That's not love. True Love is to be able to pass the
baton on in a way that they would grow up to be the best of children in your absence. May Allah
subhanho wa Taala guide every one of us tough topic I hope to be speaking more about it, but
inshallah up to that time of Guru Kohli hada sallallahu wasallam Allah Nabina Muhammad was Salam
aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.