Mufti Menk – He Has Changed after Marriage

			Salam aleikum, my brothers and sisters, many times people get married to those whom they had a
relationship with in the past. Unfortunately, sometimes this relationship may not have been halal.
But when they made it halal if they were fortunate to do that, actually, sometimes what happens is
they say, this person has changed tremendously, and they're no longer as they used to be. They no
longer how they were, I'm sure you've heard this a lot of times where people say, you know, my
husband's changed completely. He's not the person he was. And sometimes people say, Well, you know,
my wife is not who she was, she's actually a very different person, and we don't get along. Now,
		

			people ask, how do we solve this problem number one, many times people show you what they want you
to see of them initially. And then when you begin to live with them, you get to know them. And this
is why we believe you don't know a person truly, unless you've lived with them, you've done business
with them, you know, you're married to them. You've had deeper interactions with them. If you
haven't done business with them, you don't know them, if you haven't traveled with them, you don't
know them, you know what they want you to know of them, but you don't know them as a person. So it's
very, very serious. because more and more people are saying, you know, we don't get along anymore.
		

			It's been two years, or it's been one year or two months or three months. And they say this person's
changed completely. Well, you've now seen their true colors. So what I want to suggest is when we do
get married number one is there are many people out there who develop a relationship prior to
marriage with the opposite * in a way that goes deeper than what is permissible, and becomes
prohibited or haram in some way or another. Thereafter, they approach their parents, sometimes
they're very scared to approach their parents, when they do approach their parents, you usually get
people say, the parents don't want to have anything to do with it. They don't want to hear they
		

			don't want to listen. Well, that is a difficulty. It's a problem. Because the communication with
parents should be such that everything that happens the children first related to the parents, they
get advice from their parents, it's too late. Sometimes when your children have been interacting
with others, and you haven't even been there for them. You're either busy on your phone, you're busy
with your friends, you're busy in your business, you're busy doing all other things. And no parent
was there to guide those children than a day comes when that particular guidance that is needed is
actually from friends or from someone else. So our relationship was developed. I'm not saying it was
		

			right or wrong. We don't want to talk about how it got there. But it's now there. What do we do
because the parents don't want to listen? Well, if I had the solution, we would have presented it to
you. But we don't have a solution. Because parents have their dreams they have what they want, they
have things they'd like to see in their children. And if you don't communicate, you might have a
problem. Not all parents are open minded.
		

			But I do believe parents should be more relaxed, more open minded, they need to understand talk to
the child regarding the depth of the relationship. Many people are sexually active from a very young
age very sadly, very unfortunately. But that's a reality on the ground. It's a reality, we need to
talk about reality, people brush it, you know, under the carpet, and that's it, they think it
doesn't exist. It exists. I've known of many children who've terminated unwanted pregnancies. I know
of many children who ask about it. And we don't know sometimes exactly how to guide them because of
the circumstances they present. It becomes very, very difficult to give people that advice. So when
		

			you have a child who's telling you I want to marry this person, and they happen to be a person you
didn't really think the child would be interested in first find out how deeply related or how deeply
connected they are, how serious they are. Some people hold themselves back from a haram
relationship, hoping that it will become halaal. So then they approach their parents. And the
parents say No way, but they desperately wanted to be halaal and the parents are not facilitating
that. halaal My beloved parents I'd rather you made what you believe is the child's mistake, meaning
you allow the child to make that mistake then then to destroy your relationship with Allah by
		

			indirectly encouraging that which is prohibited because of the environment because of the pressure.
Because you're hardly ever there you're too busy doing everything else. And and the child's
connection with Allah is not developed to the degree that it will stay away from that which is
displeasing to Allah, the children sometimes their connection is not that grand with Allah subhanho
wa Taala. We need to develop that so that we can avoid all of these problems by the will of Allah
subhanho wa Taala. Now that the problem is there, to be able to deal with it and tackle it. We must
be realistic. So you open you open your doors. You listen to what the child has said you meet the
		

			person. That's the least you could do the least you
		

			could do is to meet this person, no matter who they are, you're the parents, this child has come to
you respectfully to say, look, I'd like to tell you what I'm interested in. Sometimes they have a
relationship for many, many years. And then the relationship becomes Haram. And it continues in a
haram way, because you've just blocked it. And sometimes they end up marrying someone else, because
they don't want to displease their parents. And a few years later, they tell that person we never
ever wanted to marry you. We were in love with another party or together, it's happening. It's very
dangerous. So and sometimes when they have a problem in marriage, they end up confiding in the
		

			person whom they were in love with prior to the marriage, I'm not saying it was right or wrong, I'm
just talking about what is happening, what is happening. So we have to be realistic, let your child
make a mistake. Even if they end up coming back divorced, it's better that you did not displease a
lot, you did not you didn't lose a lot in the process, you did not lose your child in the process,
you lost nobody in the process. But what you did lose is a little bit of an inconvenience due to the
divorce. And we normally tell people, you know, you don't have to plan to have children for two
years, at least, until you really know each other, there is nothing wrong from an Islamic
		

			perspective to hold on having children, when there is uncertainty in that marriage. Or when you
don't know for a fact that this person is the one who's who's definitely going to be a very
brilliant father of my children. Because of the factors we face today on Earth. People don't like to
talk about this, but we need to say it. So to hold back and not to have children for two to three
years is not a bad idea at all. Because you're going to bring in children when you don't know the
relationship and how it's going to be and you end up divorced with a child. There's nothing wrong in
that happening. But what would happen is the neglect of the child may then make that child one who
		

			doesn't actually have that upbringing that it needs from us. May Allah subhanho wa Taala make it
easy for all of us. So I was saying, later on, you get married. And if you're lucky, and your father
has heard it, or your mother or your parents and your family have supported you, they've been kind
enough, then you end up getting married. And wow, this person's, you know, started swearing, I
promise you swearing. Come on, you need to respect each other, please mature, no bad words from your
mouth, I promise you as a Muslim, we work on your your tongue. As a human being you work on your
tongue, you make sure that you you know how to use it, you make sure that you don't use bad words,
		

			you don't say that which is abusive and hurtful to anyone, let alone your spouse. And charity begins
at home. Your children will watch you swearing and screaming and yelling and shouting and, and even
becoming physical which is unacceptable. So my brothers and sisters, you need to know if we don't
mature and develop ourselves, we're in for a high jump as they say we're in for a shock. Because the
person you've married when they disagree with you, sometimes when they might tell you something that
was a correction regarding what you've done, don't feel bad and don't say right, that's it, I fallen
out of love with you. It's not like that you're in a sacred relationship. And this is why people
		

			say, make sure you marry the right person, it doesn't mean that you just Oh, I like this guy. He's
in college, and you know, whatever. And that's it and your eyes are closed. And it's such a bad
crush that you don't even know the qualities you're supposed to be looking at in order to get
married. And that is, you know, you look at their relationship with Allah, their relationship with
other people, meaning the character and conduct. You look at sometimes
		

			the way they the way they are their habits all of that folds in character and conduct. So those are
the two things. May Allah Subhana Allah to Allah grant us ease. Sometime later, you find, oh, this
person is not who I thought it was, you know why? Because shaytan is now doing the opposite of what
he was doing prior to the marriage. So before marriage, shaytan wants you to commit this. And so he
keeps beautifying what is not beautiful to one another, you commit the sin again and again. And then
when you get married. Shaytan now wants you to commit to sin with someone else or he wants to break
that relationship because it's Helen, immediately he starts doing something else. And what is that
		

			something else, he starts showing you the bad of each other, he starts making you fight he starts
making you dispute. And the best person is the one who knows how to respond at a time of crisis. So
when you have a crisis, when you have a problem in the home, you need to know how to deal with it.
Look at each other with the eyes of affection, not the eyes of lust, but the eyes of love. And yes,
you will be connected to your spouse in the deepest possible way. You know, that doesn't mean that
		

			you will be displeasing Allah subhanho wa Taala through that connection, it's a halaal connection
you need to make an effort to actually earn the reward of Allah that is over and above what you're
used to. May Allah subhanho wa Taala make it easy for us to see when you have
		

			A relationship and you're married.
		

			Without an effort, you're not going to get anywhere, you need to make an effort of very, very great
effort to understand who this person you're married to, is a human being a loving person, also a
child of loving family. And you know, friends they have they have relatives, they have a situation
they have, be sensitive to what they are sensitive to try and be understanding, try and be a little
bit broad minded. Yes, if there are things that mutually hurt you or that you don't want them, you
can communicate in a beautiful way. But to be honest, we don't need to become hurtful many people.
The problem is either the bad habits, they go out everyday with their friends, and they don't have
		

			any, any idea. Or they don't even want to think about the fact that they're married and they believe
now that I'm married, it's okay. My spouse might just sit and wait for me. That's not it. That's not
how it should be. Why do you keep on with your friends after that marriage, the way you were prior
to the marriage, that's not correct.
		

			Some people waste a lot of time. In front of the TV, some people, most people waste a lot of time
with their phones. So you're at home, yes, you are at home, but you're sitting on your phone, why
you can put that phone away, look at your spouse, smile, you know, make it a romantic evening, the
tea, the coffee, learn to help a little bit here and there. I'm talking of both ways. We're not
talking of any one particular spouse, we're talking both ways. Some people want to go out with their
friends every day. Some people don't, some people are never there. But when their spouses want to do
something, they are quick to object to say, No, you're not allowed to do this. You can't go here,
		

			you can't go there, you can't do this, you can't do that. Come on, it should be a given take, you
need to have a loving relationship. It shouldn't be a push and shove relationship, but rather a give
and take relationship. So this is why I say when things have gone wrong, learn to resolve them.
		

			Learn to prove that you are definitely better than the person they thought you were prior to
marriage. That's a trauma. When you marry someone and you end up finding out more good qualities of
them, you end up finding out how great they are, you know how they suppress the anger sometimes how
they they don't even show it to you how they're so considerate of your opinions. And it happens two
ways, not one way, how they're trying to please allow, you know, secrets that they have, that are so
beautiful, in terms of how they help people and what they do. All this is found out later, wow, this
person is actually better than I thought they were. And as time passes, we need to progress. We need
		

			to become better people we need to actually,
		

			you know, improve ourselves. And that's with an effort. It's not just great to come like that I see
many young people are not interested in improving themselves. I mean, if you're smoking cigarettes,
you're supposed to try and give up because cigarettes is a bad habit. The whole world acknowledges
that. And don't just replace it with something else and say no, I'm allowed to do a shisha I'm
allowed to do this and that. You know, my brothers and sisters. That's it. That's a little example.
But people are on weed and they don't mind. And they're saying you know what? There's nothing wrong
with weed. I think my next session will be on weed.
		

			My next live session in Sharla will be on weed perhaps tomorrow if possible.
		

			Because it's a problem. People are just saying no, it's allowed. It's okay. Therefore I can do it.
The world can say everything is allowed. Alcohol is allowed in a lot of countries as well, most
countries, nearly all countries. So it's up to you to abstain from what is bad for you from what you
believe is wrong for you. It's up to you to abstain from it. I mean, so many sins are legal
everywhere in the world. It doesn't make it something that's permissible.
		

			You see, so it's there is an effort required to improve the way you talk your expression, look at
your spouse, smile, put your phone away, there is an effort required to put it away, ignore
messages, ignore them, ignore them, put it away, switch it off, you can actually have a little
status up there saying if I'm not responding, it's because I'm busy or because
		

			you know, whatever the other reason is any any reason you can say it's my family time, and that's it
put up your status, family time, I will only respond tomorrow morning. Can you not switch off your
phone? Nine 9pm Please, please, please.
		

			inshallah, you can May Allah subhanho wa Taala grant your goodness and open our doors and grant us
happiness. I don't like it when when situations are such that people say they're not who they were.
I mean, why? Why do you change? Why do they change? Why do people change? Well, we need to go back
and develop our relationship with Allah. Like I said, some people have fought to get married to
others. Sometimes they won the battle. And after they married, they find Whoa, imagine I struggled
so much to come into this is this what I fought for, and then they don't know how to face their
parents because their parents were against it anyway. And then they're vindicated. So this is what
		

			it is. We need to make sure that we try our best inshallah, to develop the relationships and
		

			To solve the problems and to, like I said your character, as well as your connection with Allah
very, very important. I believe those who who don't have a relationship with their maker, very
difficult for them to have a beautiful relationship with others because the two come hand in hand in
fact, one comes before the other. And we ask Allah subhanho wa Taala to make us more conscious of
it. Baraka Luffy Coachella tomorrow talk about weed. salaam aleikum, WA to labor cat