Mufti Menk – Caught your spouse cheating? What to do?

			Assalamu alaikum you've just caught your spouse cheating. What do you do?
		

			Well, I can tell you, it's a very difficult moment because you probably are very upset, extremely
sad and the time shocked. And in disbelief. Emotions are running high. Sometimes there might be
yelling and screaming happening because of that disbelief. Try and calm yourself down. I still feel
lost over Lyla. Hola, La quwata illa Billah. Calm down, don't make decisions. Don't make decisions
while your emotions are running high and you're angry, you're upset? Don't make decisions during
those moments. Calm down, give it a moment, sit down, relax, may Allah make it easy. Now, what
should you do?
		

			You need to ask yourself a few questions. What exactly did they do look at the magnitude of the
cheating. Because cheating is not all on one level. I mean, a person who has just sent SMS or
messages to someone is very different from a person who regularly met up in order to commit the sin
of adultery, or whatever else, it may have been the physical intimacy. These are very different
levels. So it depends what exactly they did what you can prove beyond doubt. If something is
doubtful, give them the benefit of your doubt, that's your spouse. But if something is proven beyond
doubt, it's there. If it is on the highest level, then you need to look at
		

			what type of a spouse this person is. The cheater, the one who cheated is he generally a good
person. And if it's a female is she generally a good person, a brilliant person who fulfills the
rights, who actually has a good relation with Allah subhanho wa Taala, as well, whose character and
conduct is beautiful, they've sacrificed for you. And they've made a mistake. Subhana Allah, if that
is the case, consider that perhaps Allah exposed the sin of theirs, early in the day, in order to
make them stop what they were doing, through His mercy, he did not want them to continue. So out of
his love for them, he exposed them right at the beginning, and they were caught. And when they were
		

			caught, everything stopped. And when it stopped, it's the time to seek forgiveness and earn the
pleasure of Allah had they not been caught, it would have carried on and the sin would have been
perhaps taken to other levels. So consider the fact when you do catch your spouse cheating,
depending on the level of cheating, if the spouse is generally a good person, it could have just
been the mercy of Allah, exposing that weakness or that sin to you, so that you can raise it, and
that sin can stop. And it's no longer committed because Allah loves the person. Like I said, had it
not been exposed, perhaps it would have continued consider that. So in that case, I would not
		

			recommend that you broke the marriage or just ended it or said, right, I'm going home, people will
advise you in some cultures, they don't give people a second chance. I'm telling you, good people
also make mistakes. That's why I say, take a look at what magnitude of cheating it was. And take a
look at what type of a person it is. Who is this person? Are they really decent? Are they good? You
know? are they worth being the mother or father of your children? are they worth actually being your
spouse? They faltered, Okay, you know what good people do make mistakes, perhaps it was the mercy of
Allah. So don't come and invoke the punishment now of Allah by making decisions that would really
		

			not be with your wife or your children or your families. You might regret that decision. Some
friends are such that when they hear about a little bit of cheating, perhaps like I said, there are
different levels. They'll tell you that's it ended go home, you'll find someone else you are worth
much more than this. You know, you can't allow this to happen and so on. And Little do they know
that a year or two down the line, that spouse would be happily married to someone else and you're
busy sitting here licking your wounds because someone gave you wrong advice. So I'm here to tell you
think before you make decisions. I'm not belittling the fact that cheating is unacceptable.
		

			Completely. Like I said, emotions will run high. You're a human. And sometimes we do some silly
things when we catch our own, you know, friends or anyone, family members doing something bad? What
about a spouse cheating? May Allah forgive us, mela strengthen us and grant us the ability to
fulfill whatever we want in a halal way. I mean,
		

			so my brothers and sisters, remember, when you're making a decision, consider all of these factors
now. If they had a habit, and if this thing went right to the end, and it was proven to be
		

			beyond doubt, and the person involved is a spouse who doesn't fulfill their rights, no character
conduct, you know, the level of it is extremely low, they're abusive, they're emotionally draining.
And really, they're not a pleasure to live with at all, then perhaps it's a sign from Allah to say,
you know what, walk out. That's what it should be. Walk out. And, as with a cheetah, my beloved
brother or sister, don't ever blame your spouse for your wrong actions. People actually have the
audacity to come up and say, Well, I did this because you don't show me enough love. I did this
because you don't spend time with me, I did this because you are not there for me and so on. All
		

			those are problems. I do agree need addressing, but they do not justify your sin. That's what it is.
They do not justify what you've just done. So they might or whatever you've mentioned, yes, it may
be a problem that you should have raised before and dealt with it, but doesn't justify what you've
just done. So one of the worst things to deal with is a thief who's justifying the robbery. Come on,
man, you know, a perpetrator who's justifying the adultery. No, no, no. You know, people say you
must apologize number one, seek forgiveness of Allah. seek forgiveness of Allah. Number two is
apologize without being asked to apologize. You know, I believe when someone demands an apology, and
		

			you give that apology, it's hypocritical in a lot of cases, because they didn't want to give it but
you said, I want an apology. So you write an apology, or you give an apology. They could just say,
I'm sorry, they're not sorry. Because you've asked them to say, sorry, that's why they said it. A
true apology is that which comes without it being asked, it came from the heart of the individual,
if they're remorseful, if they're apologizing, if they're good, if they're if the sin they've
committed is on a level that is forgivable. Subhana ly or benign. I mean, you know, what I know of
people who forgiven and their relationships thereafter have become much stronger, not just among
		

			them, but even with Allah subhanho wa Taala. And this is why it's important for family members,
extended family members, if your child had a cheating spouse, and they want to get back to that
cheating spouse, after they have made amends and reconciled, please support them, support them. Good
people also make mistakes at times. Good people also make mistakes at times, obviously, I've
addressed it Well, I've actually said, it all depends on the person as well as the magnitude of the
sin. And it also depends on whom that sin was committed with. Sometimes it's too close for comfort,
sometimes it's unforgivable man, how could you do this with someone who's so close? So it depends.
		

			Now, in the eyes of Allah, there is no sin that is unforgivable, even share, give you seek
forgiveness of it while you're alive, you're forgiven, that's clear. But you need to know something.
		

			Human beings are not Allah, they won't forgive you that easily. It takes time to rebuild the
relationship to build the trust, will take ages, sometimes it may never be the same again. You have
to work on that you have to prove yourself, you have to make sure that you build the relationship
Come on, you have children, you have so many responsibilities you have built and invested so much in
this relationship, you cannot just blow it by sinning by cheating and so on. May Allah grant us all
halaal ways of fulfilling whatever we'd like to I mean,
		

			so my brothers and sisters, these are golden words of advice. Sometimes our friends will come and
tell us break it, like I said, and that may not be the best advice. I told you to calm down.
Sometimes seek the guidance of someone whom you respect. Ask them. The sad thing is you talk to your
friends, the whole village is going to know what happened. And people will start talking about it
and make it very difficult for you to reconcile. So don't go out and just tell the whole world and
announce it on social media. My husband was cheating on my wife was cheating Hang on, it will make
it more difficult for you to reconcile. In initially keep quiet about it. You know, try and process
		

			what just happened. Make a lot of Vicar remember Allah seek the forgiveness of Allah and the
guidance of Allah. Perhaps you might want to consult people who you really trust they would give you
advice which the Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him may have given you another thing don't just
doubt things you know, you see one message nowadays I'll be honest, the heart and the case, you
know, on on an SMS or on WhatsApp is actually sent free of charge without any emotions to all and
sundry. Although it's not acceptable in our country.
		

			But somehow in some cultures, it just means goodbye and Hello. And I'm not justifying it. But don't
get too emotional when you see a heart or a message or I know of people who call me. My darling,
I've actually had an elderly lady say, Hi, my darling, how are you, my darling. And I'm looking at
myself, I'm saying, imagine being called My darling. I mean, come on. But they mean, well, it's
their culture, it's their way of talking. When I went to the UK, for example, I had this woman in
the store, calling me my love herma love how you doing my love that malave doesn't mean anything, it
just means it doesn't mean I even know the person. So panela it's just a fun way of speaking in a
		

			different culture. So please understand that I'm not at all justifying calling people, my loves and
my darlings in that particular way. But I am saying when you when you do receive it, or you do hear
it, try to look for reason. And if there is room for doubt, give them the benefit of the doubt. But
where something is concrete, that's when we're talking. And you need to then look at what I've said,
the magnitude of the cheating, as well as the person as well as the one who was involved. And then
together with all of that you process the information, you look at the pros and cons, you look at
how much you've invested in the relationship, how much they've invested in the same relationship,
		

			how much this damage has displaced in terms of investment, and I'm talking of investment because you
you may have children, you may have a lot of other things that you've done together, and how much
damage can be controlled and how much repair can happen, then you make a final decision. How good is
that? So May Allah help us inshallah to make beautiful decisions. And this thing is actually on the
rise. I think primarily because of communication becoming so easy social media, everyone is very
accessible. So you know, the messages that people are sending each other, make people very
accessible, it's easy to fall. And like I said earlier, good people fall as well.
		

			It all depends on magnitudes and so on. I've already said that. May Allah bless every one of us, and
grant us ease and guide us to the best decisions. Wherever things happen in our lives. The worst
thing you could do is broadcast something that happened in your home, because there are others in
whose homes this has happened. They have forgiven patched up and they're living together without you
knowing you think they're your best friend when it happened to you and you told them they
broadcasted it to the whole world worse than what happened to you happened to them. You don't even
know guess why? They were wiser than you. They didn't go out and wash their linen in public. That's
		

			the thing. So be careful. May Allah subhanho wa Taala guide us I am never going to side with a
perpetrator. I will always side with a victim. But we will also give good guidance to the victims to
say Don't you know if you suffer the loss of a certain degree, don't make a decision that would make
you suffer a loss of a higher degree, but rather make a decision that would take you out of the mess
in a way that is best for you and all those around you. May Allah bless you and guide all of us are
good only hava or sallallahu wasallam. Well, Baraka Allen Amina Mohammed was Salam aleikum wa
rahmatullah wa barakato.