Mufti Menk – Arranged Marriage vs Love Marriage
AI: Summary ©
The speaker discusses the importance of an arranged marriage, where the parents introduce the person to their children and ask them to support them. They stress that the meaning of the term is different from situation to situation and that it's not a bad way to do things. The speaker also emphasizes the importance of introducing family members to the person and not shouting at them.
AI: Summary ©
There is a huge debate amongst people
as to
whether arranged marriages are better or
love marriages are better?
The answer to that is not simple, but
it definitely plays a role
in determining how
this relationship is going to progress.
When we say arranged marriage, what exactly do
you mean? If you mean that you have
no say as a female or as a
male And your parents just decide this is
the person you're getting married to and you
wait for them to come. And on the
day you everything is confirmed, the nikah is
done, and suddenly you see your spouse. In
that case, we will tell you from a
religious perspective, it is wrong.
It is wrong. It doesn't work that way.
But if you are saying an arranged
introduction
whereby the parents say, you know what my
son? You're ready to get married. I'd like
to introduce you to such and such a
person. Or one of my friends has
a daughter and I'd like you to meet
this person.
That's called an arranged introduction. And I'd like
to think in the case of a lot
of us,
that still applies.
In fact, it's not a bad way of
doing things. It's probably
considered more durable
for the marriage
when there is an arranged introduction.
Once you're introduced,
you meet, you must meet. You speak, you
must speak. And not just once,
until you are satisfied.
This is the person. Yes. I was introduced
by my father to a family who has
a son for example or a daughter. And
I met them once and twice and thrice.
And I found them to be absolutely amazing.
Insha Allah, we're getting married. And you find
how could you get married in such an
arranged system? I tell you that's not wrong
because the meaning of the term arranged marriage
differs from situation to situation.
In this case it was an arranged introduction.
You have the right to decline.
My beloved parents here,
if your child has declined
someone, please support them. Stand up for them
and don't shove it down their throats. It's
not you getting married, it's them getting married.
You might want to ask them, oh but
why? They might give you a reason. The
reason might be strong, it might not be
strong.
But at the same time,
if you are going to shove it down
their throats, how do you expect there not
to be family problems that you cannot resolve?
They come to you 30 years later and
say, I never ever wanted to marry you,
my father forced me.
You go back to the father and grip
him and say, look what did you do
man? Subhanallah.
That's
what one would like to do
because it was criminal to force.
So my brothers and sisters,
then when it comes to what is known
as the love marriages of today,
The pros and cons of it. We need
to realize
it's easy to be fooled. So very early
in that relation you better introduce some of
your family members to this individual so that
they're able to guide you as to what
they may notice because the eye of love
does not notice the flaws
initially.
That initially is extremely important. The minute you
get married, you start noticing all the flaws,
masha Allah.
But I knew you for 8 years. Someone
says, I went out with this guy for
8 years. Oh, you should have got married
after the first 8 minutes, by the way.
But I went out with this guy for
8 years. Everything happened. And so now when
I got married, we just can't get along.
Well, I tell you what, I'm a believer.
I can tell you that the 1st 8
years, shaitan was just beautifying yourselves to each
other. The minute you did the right thing,
he did the opposite.
That's why it's important.
If you have met someone, my beloved elders
who are a little bit older perhaps,
Listen carefully to what I'm saying because some
of us don't want to admit reality, and
we don't want to do the right thing.
If your child comes up to you
and says to you
that I have come across someone, be it
at work, Be it at the university. Be
it somewhere. It's not something I encouraged. It
happened. They went out.
Our children have eyes. They have ears. They
come across people. They see things.
Let them be so close to you as
a child that they will immediately tell you,
today I met someone and do you know
what?
I really feel that you need to help
me because it's a potential
spouse. I ask you a question, my beloved
parents.
Do you think your children would have the
guts to come to you and say that?
If the answer is no, please we're living
in a century and in an age where
you need to have a relationship where they
can come up to you and tell you
exactly that. And how you react shouldn't be
an outburst.
I've already promised you to
my sister's children. Relax. Relax.
You You promised who? By the way, who
is getting married here? Is it you or
me? That's the question.
May Allah grant us ease. So you must
be open
to embracing what has come because it's not
prohibited.
If it was totally prohibited we would tell
you no. But culturally
we feel like we don't want to do
this simply because the shackles of culture have
not yet left us. And cultures are brilliant.
They are good. However, there are some parts
of it that require,
if I can term it renovation.
That's why we face so many family problems
because our children cannot communicate with us. You
love them. Talk to them. Let them come
and tell you the most absurd
thing ever.
Don't
have an emotional outburst
as a result of what they've just said.