Mufti Menk discussing the Relationship between Parents and Children and various issues that may exist along with their solution.
Mufti Menk – Relationship Between Parents And Children
AI: Summary ©
The speakers stress the rights of children in the United States, including the right to choose a decent spouse and the right to choose a good mother. They emphasize the importance of strong parent relationships and the need for parents to be models for their children. The negative impact of social media and the lack of responsibility and distrust on children is also emphasized. The importance of education and communication between children is emphasized, as it is crucial for everyone to have equal rights to live in their own communities. The speakers emphasize the importance of learning to handle challenges and maintaining healthy behaviors, particularly for parents dealing with the pandemic.
AI: Summary ©
Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.
inshallah I will commence with a short recitation from the Quran for purposes of Baraka and blessings
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Bismillah R Rahman r Rahim In the name of Allah subhanho wa Taala Most Gracious, Most Merciful Alhamdulillah wa Salatu was salam o Baraka, Allah Ibrahim Medina spasa All praise is due to Allah subhanho wa Taala blessings and salutations upon Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam May Allah subhanahu wa taala bless him and all his companions and may He bless us all as well.
Allahu Allah in Molina Illa Allah Tana in Naka encanta la Lima Hakeem Allahu mollema manzana on lantana Allah who will be coming in Nyanza, woman,
woman,
woman button in Dasha woman
in LA or LA Allah, we ask you to grant us knowledge that is beneficial.
And we asked you to protect us from knowledge that we will make no use of and we asked you to protect us from eyes that will not cry for your sake. And we ask you to protect us
from a heart that will not tremble in your fear.
And we asked you to protect us from a stomach
and the soul that will not be fulfilled and content. And we asked you to protect us from those prayers that are not answered. I mean
honorable Allah, beloved brothers and sisters in Islam,
this evenings topic is connected to the parent child relationship.
And in order to address this topic,
we need to first understand that we have to look at the parent parent relationship first
and then
very relationship between the children themselves, the child the inter inter child relationship
and
The relationship between the parents and the children.
This topic is a very vast topic. Every one of us seated here are children of someone,
we all have parents, none of us can say we do not have parents.
Some, the parents may have passed on, they may have passed away, we ask Allah subhanho wa Taala to have mercy on them, whereas others, their parents may be alive.
And from amongst those whose parents are alive, some may be living with them, and some may not be living with them.
In every case, we are taught a lot when it comes to the Sharia. It is just that sometimes we take it for granted, or sometimes we don't understand or sometimes we don't want to know what Islam says, when it comes to these relationships.
I'd like to commence with an incident that occurred at the time of Ahmed Malhotra, the Allahu anhu.
Where there was an old man
he came forth complaining about his child.
And he said, Oh, ameerul momineen.
I have a child who is disobedient. I have a child who does this, I have a child who does that. And he said a whole list of things.
And on top of the Allahu anhu listened to the old man,
and then
called the boy
called the young child.
And try to advise him, saying,
Do you know what? Your father is complaining about you? And you need to fulfill the rights of your father.
You need to fulfill the rights of your father. So the young boy says,
Can I ask a question?
And orignial?
Who says yes, you can ask a question, what is it? He says? Do I not have any rights? What are my rights?
You know, nowadays people like to hear the word rights, what are my rights? I need to know my rights. So the young boy is asking what are my rights, I'd like to know that somebody
explained to the young boy what his rights work.
And that is very interesting, because tonight, we will all see a new dimension.
Some of us may be knowing this incident.
The first right that the child has
is for the parent to select a good spouse Subhan Allah.
So before the child ever came into existence,
it was already the right of your unborn children who were not even mentioned
that you had chosen a decent mother for them.
That is something very deep, no religion goes into this depth.
So it is the right of our children that we married somebody decent.
One of the reasons is obviously, when you have married someone decent, it becomes much easier for the child to then be brought up in a decent fashion
in a decent manner.
Whereas when marriage was only for beauty, or it was only for wealth, or it was for the wrong reasons, for example,
sometimes we can ask ourselves, what do you expect from this?
If for example, a man has married a woman who doesn't even know how to speak who swears and shouts.
Then what type of behavior would that man expect his children to have? In order to remedy this? In the Sherry, we are taught that it is the right of your unborn children
even prior to your marriage.
It is the right of those who will be born to you if you ever do have children, that you select a good spouse and this is not only for men, but even for women. That is why a few days back in one of my talks I made mention of the fact that when you are
Selecting a spouse in a nutshell, ask yourself, Is this person fit to be the mother of my children? Is this person fit to be the father of my children, and I hope that the youngsters who are not yet married young boys and girls, I hope we can take a lesson from this.
We don't need to go for the next most beautiful woman.
We don't need to go for the next most beautiful woman.
But we rather go for a person who is beautiful from inside.
And the person who is fit to be the parent of our children, meaning either the mother or the father.
Like I said moments ago, the young boys who want to get married need to ask themselves is this person that I'd like to marry, fit to be the mother of my children.
And in the case of a female is this person fit to be the father of my children, when she is selecting or she is deciding whether or not to marry someone.
That is the first issue.
So the fact that we have married correctly, is already
part and parcel.
The fact that we have married correctly, is already part and parcel of the rights of the unborn child being full, meaning the unborn child being fulfilled, that is of utmost importance.
The second issue mentioned by Omar Malhotra, viola, viola one, he says, it was the right of your father, to give you a good name,
to name you with a brilliant name.
These good names, obviously, we have names that have a good meaning, we have names of the companions of the Prophet peace be upon him sallallahu alayhi wasallam. We have names
that are mentioned in the Quran. We have other names that really have a very, very good meaning to the degree that you would be proud to call your child with that name.
Is it that we still want to choose names that just sound Western?
In my part of the world,
people come and ask questions, can I name my child this? Can I name my child that And believe me, as the years are passing, and as the world is progressing, we find Muslims wanting to stay away from Islamic names.
for whatever reasons, they are worried my child must not be associated with Islam, may Allah protect us. Some people have that notion where they think that I'd rather name the child something which will sound more Western.
And they will debate with you. Why can't I name the child this and that. The reality is, it's the child's rights that you choose a good name, because at that age, the child has no understanding. You don't want the child to grow up cursing you
that you know, the name I've got is very bad.
If any name has the possibility or probability of having a bad meaning.
In Islam, we are taught to abstain from it when I say having a bad Meaning, if it has a possibility of having a bad meaning in any language. For example, you might have an Arabic name, which has a good meaning in Arabic. But in your native language, that name might sound like a swear word. It has happened in some languages. You have an Arabic name, but it sounds very bad in our language.
In that case, it would be the right of the child that you abstain from that name. Not because it has a bad meaning in Arabic, but because it has a bad meaning in other languages. And you wouldn't like the child for example, you wouldn't like that child to grow up thinking and saying Why did my father name me with this name?
So that is the second write that was mentioned. And the third right is
an Omar Emil katabi. Allahu anhu is telling this little boy
that as you grew up, the first things to be taught to you should have been
Being a moron.
The first thing is to be taught to you should have been the Quran, the word of the Creator who created you.
So the young boy looks and says, You know what will happen? You are ameerul momineen I'd like to tell you, my father has not fulfilled any, any of these rights of mine. And he only stopped these three, imagine if he had to go on and on.
He says, firstly, he married someone off the street who had a very bad record, may Allah protect us.
Very bad record. Secondly, he gave me such a terrible name. And up to now, I don't even know what the Quran is all about.
There we are. So then on top of the Allahu anhu diverted the admonition to the Father, saying you are coming to complain about your child, you are the one who has not even fulfilled any of the rights of the child. And you are coming to say my child is disobedient. And my child is this and my child is that we ask Allah subhanho wa Taala to protect us. So I've used this incident as a prelude to the top
we have in the Sharia, and in Islam,
so much that is mentioned about how a person should be living. Every aspect of my life and your lives is covered in Islam.
And we are taught that a strong relation between the spouses will result in a positive upbringing of the children. If the mother and the father, the two of them get on? Well, naturally, the children will be having a more holistic upbringing. That is something we need to understand it is taught to us in the Sharia. And that is why and I am going to start mentioning the points that I'd like to talk about this evening, one by one. The first point is, it is very important that whenever we have a difference between ourselves as parents, don't ever allow your children to witness the argument between the two. Never, if you have to say something to your wife, or if a wife has to say something
to the husband, that is a little bit heavy, a little bit hard, do it after the doors are closed and locked in your own room when nobody and none of your children are watching.
Because if you are to vent your frustrations in the presence of your child, you are doing a disservice to those children, they will grow up thinking that that is normal arguments are normal, swearing is normal, getting angry is normal. And then as they grow up, if they don't get angry, and if they don't swear and shout, then what do you expect them to do? Do you expect them to suddenly know that you are not supposed to do this when every day they have been watching their own parents doing the same thing?
There is a very valid point and we need to consider it contemplate.
Because if we take a careful look at the problems that we are facing now,
across the globe, many parents are not fit to be parents.
Really many people have married and they still have a lot of rectification.
And suddenly they have children.
They themselves who need to guide the children need guidance. That is where what we are faced with nowadays.
You have parents who have suddenly become parents, but they don't know what Parenthood is all about.
Because the responsibility that comes with a child is very great. And they think it's a joke.
And in order to address this, we need to go a little bit deeper.
To resolve the matters and to between the children and the parents and to try and give the children the best of upbringings. We need to know that the husband and wife themselves need to have a sense of responsibility. And that sense of maturity and responsibility will only come when you are disciplined when you are strict on yourself. So many times you have young boys. I'm not so sure of the girls but I can talk for the boys
You have young boys who have their friends, they sit with their friends up to 12 at night and two in the morning.
Then a few years later they get married.
And when they get married, they still find themselves
making the same time for their friends. That is prohibited, completely prohibited. How can a person
How can a person
who has now taken somebody's daughter still give preference to his friends over his own wife.
And this is a sickness that many people are guilty of. The time that you spend with your spouse is an act of worship in Islam.
The time that you spend with your family members, is an act of worship in Islam.
So many people give preference to their businesses over their family members.
Many people
just sit and give preference to a newspaper over their family members. Its effect.
The man comes home from work, he is tired, he does not speak to anyone he sits down he wants to eat his food. He has a temper and next thing he is busy reading the paper or he literally plans himself in front of the television and he is watching television until late hours, then he switches it off and goes to sleep. He hasn't spoken to his wife. He hasn't spoken to his children. If any one of us here are guilty of that, today is the day you are being told directly that that is a major sin, major sin? How can you give preference to a television over real people, real people.
Another problem is also the internet.
Many people give preference to the Internet, and spend hours every day until two and three in the morning
laughing and joking with a screen.
If you want them to laugh, really, you've got to put a screen in front of them, they will see what is known as emoticons. You know what is an emoticon? Those small little faces that you have on the screen, small cartoon style faces. They look at someone who sent them an emoticon and they laugh. But if you talk to them, they will look at you and say, Hey, I'm busy.
And I want to give you an example of a very good friend of mine, one of my best friends. Very, very highly educated. And he was so intelligent. He had 13 A's at all level. And four A's at a level. He was given a scholarship at the University of Oxford. Some years later, I met him. I told him, you know, tell me what is Allah done with you? Meaning you know what has happened in your life? It doesn't mean brother. I gave up the internet.
I said that doesn't make sense. I asked him about himself. And he's just telling me I gave up the internet. So I said, What do you mean, he said, that is the biggest single achievement of my life.
And I'm I was confused. This was a few years back
when the internet was still something new. Now he told me he became a doctor. He actually became a psychiatrist later he specialized.
He told me, You know what happened to me. I was married.
And I was addicted to the internet. And I was sitting with the internet every day, every single day for six to seven hours. And I became a person whose social life was the net. All my friends were were on the internet. All the people I spoke to on the internet, I ate. And mostly I even asked for the plate of food to come in front of the screen. So I would eat whilst I'm busy typing while I'm busy looking and so on. And he says, I lost my wife in the sense that she left him. She deserted him after some time. Why? Because if you are not going to give due attention to your wife, who do you want her to get that from? That's a question.
Many people are guilty of not spending lighter moments even with their own wives. Where do they want that wife to go and get that from?
It is true and we need to talk about it. Because so many women are suffering in silence. It's a fact of life. They are too embarrassed to mention what is going on.
And that is the beginning of the problem. Imagine the children that come out of such a relationship. What warped upbringing will they have
What type of relation will there be between parent and child? When the parent parents relation is non existence?
So many people are guilty of not understanding that they have taken someone's daughter With the name of Allah. When we are
officiating Annika, you and I know that there are certain verses that are read. I'm sure you all know those verses.
All of those verses have the consciousness of Allah mentioned in them. And I feel and let's listen to this very carefully, that the most important verse is the third verse that is read
our poo Kona Sadie,
oh you believe be conscious of your job, be conscious of your Creator, be conscious of Allah subhanho wa Taala. And the only art that which is upright, that which is straight, that which is full of happiness, that which is full of contentment, that which is full of truthfulness, that which is a way from falsehood, that which is away from deception, that which is not vulgar at all. That is the meaning of the term studied and studied means that which is straight, it will result in all forms of goodness, and it will keep you away from all forms of bad and evil. Why is this verse repeated when we are getting married? Can I inform you of one of the reasons? One of the reasons is
that Do you know that 90% of your problems are caused by the tongue 90% of any human beings problems are caused by the tongue. So Allah is saying, watch out, be careful how you use that tongue of yours. Especially in marriage.
The question I have, how many of us
utter words to make our spouses feel good? How many of us utter words to put a smile on the faces of our spouses on a daily basis? I think a lot of us are guilty of never doing that or doing it very little.
Every single day, it would be an act of worship, for myself and yourselves to say a few words to make your spouse smile, both male and female.
An act of worship. If we don't do that, we will have a hollow society. Outwardly, everything seems to be okay. inside. Nothing is okay.
And people are suffering in silence.
Why do we need people to suffer in silence? We don't. No one needs to suffer.
Do you know
that you need to praise your spouse
on their faces. Even if you are telling a lie.
Sometimes what happens is
the food is prepared.
It takes hours to prepare.
Especially here in Sri Lanka, I don't know there are more than 20 dishes when you sit to eat.
It takes a long time to prepare. And then a lot of men have a sickness. A lot of men have a sickness and I think we are all guilty of it to a certain extent where
not only do we forget to utter words of appreciation, but we will only pick on what is wrong with the food.
Not realizing that there was so much effort that was put now the salt sometimes the salt might have
become a little bit more in the food for whatever reason. And we say you know the salt is too much in the food not realizing that it took four hours to make that.
Are you living for salt? Is Your Life rotating around salt?
No, it isn't. So what you need to do is and what I need to do is appreciate it by saying you know the food is so lovely. Really it's very good. Even if you are telling a little bit of a lie, and might be our mothers and sisters. Don't worry when your husbands are telling you that it will be true. Don't be a lie.
How many of us have told our wives or our husbands? You are looking very beautiful today you are looking very handsome today. A lot of us are guilty of thinking that in Islam. You're not even allowed to say that. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam used to tell that to his wives regularly. He used to explain to them and express to them with greatest passion, how beautiful they were looking Subhana Allah
And he told others as well how good his wife was, and his wives were. I mentioned the Hadith a few days ago, he said himself about a Chateau de la, la Isha tea comfortably feria de la casa irata.
He said the virtue of Ayesha
is like the virtue of the V the special Arabian dish of food, when all the other food is there, which means she's the best woman. At this moment in time, he speaks about Khadija been to Hawaii literally, Allahu Allah. He used to praise her on her face. And he praised her in her absence to others. And he constantly mentioned her even
close to his death. He was mentioning Khadija been to Hawaii
because she was the one who comforted him when he came down with revelation.
When he came down from the mountain, he had revelation.
What did she say at that point, she praised him. He had a difficult time.
And she praised him. She said, you know, Allah will never let you down. You are such a good man, you are such a good husband, you are so brilliant. You go out of your way to help people, you are so truthful, you are so honest, you are so forthcoming, you are so positive, Allah will never let you down. That's what the Hadith says.
She praised him, how many wives can praise their husbands?
Well, then again, they might argue with me and say they are not like the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam. If they were like that, we would have praised them.
But the question I have, and this is to ponder over my dearest brothers and sisters, if you are not going to utter sentences and statements, praising your own spouse and telling them how good and beautiful and handsome they are, and how gorgeous and awesome they are looking, who is going to do that? Are you waiting for the neighbor to come and tell that to your wife, and it happens?
It happens.
And sometimes, the neighbor might say it in your presence. What an embarrassment.
Oh, your wife is looking so gorgeous today. Allahu Akbar, that is now an Islamic, that is now an Islamic. But that statement will have an impact on this woman. If it's the first time she's hearing that, or if she hasn't heard it in a long, long time.
But if you have to read every day, then the most if you are to read every day, then even if the most handsome of princes comes and tells her how beautiful she is looking, it won't have an impact on her because she hears that word every day from you. This is very important. A lot of Muslims sadly believe inside their hearts that no when we are Muslims, you know, you need to stay away from certain things. No, believe me, when it comes to your intimate relations and your wife and your spouse, you need to understand that Islam has taught us much more than any other religion SubhanAllah.
Very important.
This is what enhances the relationship.
Moments ago I mentioned about timing, how people give preference to their friends. This friend of mine told me that I realized only after it was too late, that I was wrong. It was too late.
Why was he wrong? He says I was mixing with people who were not real. And in the process, I sacrifice the real people around me, my own parents, my own wife, my own brothers and sisters, I sacrifice them because I was busy on the net every time. The question I have for all of us is how many of us are guilty of exceeding the limits when it comes to the internet.
spending so much time I'm not saying it's wrong to go and check your email or to do something constructive. The minute you waste time, you need to understand that now you are giving preference to something over a reality that is around you. There are people waiting for you. Do you know mostly what happens in our homes.
The women folk do not go to work. The men go to work. This poor woman who is a new bride sometimes Oh, she's a wife who's been there for many years. She's got a child from the time you leave to work. She is busy thinking about you and she's trying to prepare a meal for you. She is
You know, looking after the child or the children, for example, and she's looking forward to you coming, when you come, you know, she has certain plans may be in place, she wants to smile at you and maybe have a nice big hug as soon as you enter and so on. But sometimes when we enter the homes as men, we give them such a dirty look that their whole mountain comes crumbling.
They had so many things planned. But suddenly it comes crashing. Why? Because we made a very big mistake, we came in with the wrong attitude. She has been sitting alone waiting all day, for you to come home so that she can share a moment or two with you. And you come home and you share those moments with the television.
And many people have this habit, they sit and watch the news. And that's it. And I know that there are people in here who must be thinking, This man is addressing me, believe me, this is a common problem across the globe. And we are here as a Lama to help people identify and diagnose the problems. The divorce rates are so high, because people don't know what marriage is all about. When you marry, you need to stop giving your friends preference, you know, we had a young boy
who married and I happen to talk to him. And I even gave a lecture at his nikka. And I had said that we must give preference to our wives over our friends, we have to there is no option as Muslims, we must give preference to our wives over our friends. Because one is more important than the other. Your friends have other friends, your friends have you also, but you don't have to spend so long with them. But your wife, you are the only husband for her.
And what had happened is this boy because of the lecture that was delivered at his Nika, he decided that he is going to adopt it. And he sidelined a lot of his friends. Let's listen. It's a very interesting story. When he sidelined a lot of his friends, they began to tell him you're a chicken, you know, your petticoat government, you know, you're you know, you don't wear the pants, you know, and so on. And what happened is he came to me because it was pressure for him. Imagine your friends every day are telling you, they message you or they phone you they say your petticoat, you're gone, you know, you're gonna, you know, you'd rather call her Mr. And you should call yourself, Mrs. And
so on.
So he came to me. I told him I said, Listen, Brother, tell them that I don't mind you calling me a chicken or a frog. So long as I'm happy in my marriage. Because the day my marriage doesn't work, you are not going to come and resolve the matter for me.
But I will not lose you as friends if you were true friends. And if you are true friends, you will send the married men home.
You know some people when they are married, and they are sitting with you at 10 o'clock will tell you look I need to go and everyone starts laughing. Everyone starts laughing.
But I say so worth the whole world can laugh so long as you are happy. Is there anything wrong? The whole world can laugh at you but your marriage is working and their marriages are not working because when they get home, may Allah protect us they have a disaster. One sleeps facing one direction and the other sleeps facing the other direction. Is that what marriage is all about? May Allah protect us all.
And may Allah grant us the true understanding.
So, this solid relationship that is there or supposed to be there between the spouses is what will result then in a solid upbringing of the children because they will not get differing views and opinions, they will not be confused. When a child sees different things from the mother different things from the Father and the child sees opposing views and conflict between the two the child is confused. And after that what happens is that child then finds comfort outside the house, outside the house, because in the house there is chaos. In the house there is confusion. So the child then wants to find comfort at school or with some friends, especially the female child, sometimes very
silent, very emotional, but at the same time, they may then be caught unaware May Allah protect us.
And that brings me to another point. When we have a child in the house. This is for those men who are married who have children, and don't worry the womenfolk Your turn is coming. You know a lot of the men must be thinking this man is blasting us.
Don't worry, we start with those who are right near here.
A lot of people are guilty of not understanding what is meant by pregnancy. And what is meant by bearing a child. A lot of men don't understand that. And what type of difficulties a woman goes through in order to be your child.
And immediately after birth, we showed this interest in that same female. Why? Because she's got a little bit of fat. Now, a little bit of flab on her belly, for example, she's got three or four more stretch marks there. And she probably might not get back into exactly the shape she was it's effect. So now what happens? A lot of men then after the first child or to their eyes begin to wonder here and they, and they start saying, Oh, this woman is so pretty. Look at that woman. Why are you hurting the feelings of your own wife? It is haram in Islam, to praise another woman. It is haram in Islam, to praise another woman in the presence of your own spouse. Why would you like to praise
another woman for what, especially speaking about her finger.
We are not even meant to be looking in that direction. Imagine a woman who got married to you. And she was in quite good shape. You made her pregnant, really, and she got your child. And after burying your child, you now want to praise other women to say no, those women have a good shape, you know,
may Allah protect us. These are matters that need to be spoken about. Because a lot of people need this. A lot of people don't even know that in the Sharia, we are taught all these issues, you cannot just lose interest in your spouse solely because now she's given birth. If she has given birth, do you know how high
a status of a woman
who is pregnant is
and the status of a woman who is giving birth ease. There are so many evidences from the Sherry app to prove her status. But I want to give you one.
If she passes away, in the condition of pregnancy, or in the condition of childbirth, she will get paradise without account. Without account of her deeds. She's forgiven totally. And she's given paradise, straight through the green roots, so to speak.
Imagine if Allah Almighty is telling the woman that for you to endure childbirth, your level is raised so much that if you were to die in that condition, you will go to Paradise.
And we as men sitting and thinking it's a big crime. You know why? Because now, I don't like what she looks like after she gave birth. I am repeating this because it is happening in many, many homes. And a lot of the times it is happening silently.
And other matters that occur which create confusion for the children is the relationship we have with our in laws.
When we have a healthy relationship with our in laws, then naturally the children will have a healthy relationship with us as well. But when there is chaos and confusion, when it comes to the relationship with in laws. In that particular case, there will be chaos and confusion when it comes to our own children. Let me inform you in Islam. Once a couple are married, you don't interfere with their decisions, you don't interfere with their decisions. Even if it is your son or your daughter. You can try and suggest something to them. But it is wrong for you to make decisions for them.
And this message is for parents who have children who are married.
parents who have children who are married.
need to understand that let them live their lives. Let them make their decisions. When you were young, you made your decisions. Now it's their turn to make their decisions. their children's upbringing is their business not yours. Now they are married they need to start a life of their own.
Many marriages are suffering great turbulence, a lot of them even break because of interference from parents on both sides and its effect. It really is effect across the globe. This is a problem. And we don't understand as Muslims take a look at the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. He never ever
interfered he never ever interfered with any of his daughter's husbands and he never interfered in their lives not even once. I want to give you one true example
of Abubakar said Do
you know his daughter was eyeshadow Viola Juana. She was married to the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.
One day he passed the room of Ayesha along on her one day abubaker who is the father of Isaiah passed the room of Isaiah the prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was there. And they were
eyeshadow Viola anhydrase the voice and it was sounded like it was like a discussion of with a debate. It sounded like that. And Abu Bakr Siddiq Ravi Allahu anhu.
He knocked the door.
He was allowed to go in he was permitted to go in. He went in. He did not ask questions.
You know, most of us when there is a problem with our children and their spouses, we side with our children.
Some people say my daughter is right, always you are wrong. And some people say my son is right, you are wrong. Abu Bakr Siddiq did not ask questions. He didn't even know what was happening. He thought there is a debate going on here. My daughter is being disrespectful.
He went in and he admonished her he admonished her he admonished her to the degree that she began to weep.
Then he went away a
few minutes later, he was passing the same room and hear them laughing.
He had them laughing.
So he knocks the door
and he says
Ashley Kearney, this is the Arabic term fisi mikuma.
Can you make me can you allow me
to take part
in your piece? In the same way? You made me take part in your wall a few minutes ago.
Moments ago I came in and I took part in your war, which means the term war is used. But it was not a war, meaning when there was a problem I came in. Now when you people are happy, can I come in again?
And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam began to love and he explained to him Look, there was no problem at all, you overreacted, there was no problem at all.
But why am I mentioning this is if we are to interfere, it should only be to rectify our side. That's that's the interference to rectify to admonish to be strict, but we cannot begin to make decisions for others. You know, many women, many women complain that sometimes our in laws don't allow us to be mothers. What does that mean? I'm talking about my part of the world. But I'm sure even in Sri Lanka, everyone has five fingers, isn't it? So we've got the same problems.
The poor lady has had a child. Now normally there is a postnatal depression that a lot of women go through because of the vast sudden change in body.
And one person says, You know what? Give the child formula milk. The other person says give the child this type of milk. The other one says breastfeed the child like this. The other one says no, give them water the other the poor lady is totally confused. What do I do? You will find a whole bucket of all sorts of things. And every little while she's trying one thing and the other and the child is all sick. Now why? Because there is chaos. Let the mother do what she wants.
Really, you can advise her You can tell her but you cannot instruct her.
She is the mother.
And some people get so passionate. They don't allow mothers to be mothers. They want to be the mothers. Everyone wants to be the mother.
And this is a sickness it is happening across the globe. We need to rectify it because we will not be able to move forward and progress as Muslims unless and until we understand
what Parenthood is all about.
Imagine I have to interfere in my grandchildren every time. And that trend continues for generations and generations. So rather the grandparents decide that we are now the parents finished. We can change the terminology and call parents grandparents and grandparents parents
With all due respect to grandparents,
then there is another problem. And that is the sandwich that a lot of men are put into.
Why? because on one hand, you have your parents,
those are your parents, you are the child.
And on the other hand, you have your wife and your children. Now, way to go, because now there is a discrepancy between the two. Should I listen to my parents? Or should I listen to my wife,
you are now a parent yourself. Your parents have a position which will never ever drop in Islam, they have a very high lofty position.
But where they are reasonable, you will listen to what they say, where they are not reasonable, you will explain to them like a man to say that, do you know what? Thank you very much. I really appreciate your advice and so on. Even if you don't want to tell them you, you know, I'm not going to accept what you're saying. Don't say that. Tell them No, I understand. I appreciate I've heard what you said. And you know, Jazakallah, thank you very much for your advice and so on. But where they are unreasonable, you do not have to take it.
You only take that which is reasonable.
Sometimes some people say look, you know what, and this is a fact.
My mother comes first because paradise lies under her feet. I agree. Your mother definitely does come first. But if the Paradise is there in the first place,
some mothers have held beneath their feet, may Allah protect us. What this means is, if her life is an Islamic, what paradise Do you want under her feet, she will begin to tell you to do things which are detrimental to your own self, when you want to use this excuse to continue listening to what she's saying, she will land you in the same place she has landed.
So paradise beneath the feet is correct only when we ensure that whatever we are saying or doing is within the limits of Islam. And what I am telling you this evening is connected to Islam. We are Muslims.
Many people have so many problems. You know, today we are speaking about Parent Child relation. Are you seeing how I have brought into the topic? how parents themselves are children of others. So the parent child relation can can go through for a few generations. Sometimes, if you have a great grandparent who's alive, then there is a parent, child, parent, child, parent child relation of three generations.
Where do you draw the line,
you need to give the freedom to those who are married to live their lives according to what they feel is correct on condition that it is within the Islamic limits. The minute they decide we don't want to read Salah you tackle them. The minute they decide we don't want to dress islamically you tackle them you can interfere.
The minute they decide we don't want to read the Koran. And the sooner you tackle them, you can interfere. But whether or not they want to eat out or in is not your business, they go out, let them go be happy for them, be happy for them.
If they decide we want to go on a holiday to Hawaii, let them go on holiday be happy for them.
If they decide, for example that we would like to
we would like to go out maybe for a lecture of this nature. We can't say look, there'll be no one at home. So you sit I am going
would that be fair? Well, it depends obviously on the situation in the house. In Islam, we are taught that rather the person who's talking stays.
So
we have so many issues in the Sharia that are discussed, which are relevant to my life and yours, if only we knew.
Now let's take a look
at a few more aspects of the parents parents relationship. I mentioned a point where I said whenever you have an argument, make sure that it is not in the presence of the children. Make sure that is the most harmful
act for the children to have a big argument. I have come across cases where they have been boxing bouts, fighting and beating in front of children when that child goes to school and beats up all the other children. So naturally when you when you are a teacher at school, and you find the child beating up all other children, it is a sign that there is something wrong in their house. It's a sign something is wrong.
If there is no love between the spouses what love is there going to be for the child,
we need to create this love, we need to make sure it is there.
Another point is that
whenever we speak, we should speak with utmost respect to our spouses our most respect, and make sure the children watch that. And they see that my father speaks very well to my mother, and my mother addresses my father with a lot of respect, that child will learn respect automatically, the child will learn respect without you having to tell them anything, because that is what they've been watching every day.
Whatever the child watches, that's what the child does. If you read your Salah on a daily basis, the child will automatically come up and want to read Salah at the age of one and two, and will go into the posture of such that without anyone saying anything, I'm sure you have seen that happening. If you dress properly and appropriately, your children will dress appropriately.
But if you have not dressed properly, properly and appropriately, what do you expect from your children?
A woman who wants to wear clothing that is unacceptable, for example, then she makes dua to Allah, Allah keep my children modest. She's being foolish,
because she needs to be the example of her own children.
Parents need to be the role models of their own children. I don't know how bad the problem of smoking is in this country. But even a person who wants to smoke must never do so in the presence of their children no matter what never. Because it is such a bad habit. If we are smoking in front of them to them, they might be on drugs in front of us, may Allah protect us. It gets worse as time passes. Hi, Nancy Kearney, from Milan Latina Luna home from Milan Lavina Luna home, the best of generations is mine and then the next and then the next.
Which means as the generations are passing, they are generally becoming worse.
The disrespect and disobedience is becoming much more.
And we should remember that when we do something, our children will do the same to us. How you treat your parents, so your children shall treat you
how you treat your parents. So your children shall treat you there was a certain men
whose father used to visit him rich men. And because he his father was a villager quite dirty and smelly. Because you know, when the person is a villager dealing with the goats and the chickens, sometimes their clothing is not smelling so good and so on. He did not use to allow his father in the house. Rather, he used to have a place outside near the chicken run. And he used to call his father and say, oh, come come have a seat and so on. And he used to give him a blanket day and he used to sleep there outside the house.
And what happened is, years later, obviously his son was watching all this. Years later, after the father passed away and so on. He once visited his son.
And when he visited his son, the son threw a blanket to him and said, Dad, you know what to do?
He said, What do you mean? He said you my dad, isn't it.
So that is a meant to be in the chicken run.
And the father began to weep. And he says we had scholars of Islam, who came to us telling us Kamata, Dino to Daniel, how you treat that's how you shall be treated. And I never believed it. And today my own son is throwing a blanket at me telling me Daddy, you know what to do, which means get out now and go to the chicken run.
Allahu Akbar.
That's just an example. But it happens in our lives where we do things Believe me, the circle completes itself at some stage it will come back to us. It will come back to us. Don't think that when we are bad, it's not going to come back. It will definitely come back. And if you don't want it to come back, engage in Toba. Repent and mend your ways here and now it won't come back.
We are taught that when you help someone cross the street.
Allah will create someone to help you cross the street the day you need it.
Or Allah will give you such good health that you won't need anyone to help you cross the street. That's what we are taught.
So if we are good, for example, to our parents and so on, and if we are good to our spouses, Allah will create people who will be good to us. But if we are bad, Allah will create people who will be bad to us.
I mentioned yesterday, the Hadith, where the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam says, Hey, eurocom eurocom li li, the best from amongst you are those who are best to his or her spouses
in particular, and family members at large. I think that Hadith needs to be written 100 times by us.
Really, because many people think that we need to please everyone around us outside which means at work and on the street and so on, people must think good of us. But at home, really the relationship is not even there.
We ask Allah subhanho wa Taala to grant his understanding, and as I said, if we are not going to create that environment within the home way is it going to come from how a person disappears from the house for so long? for a long, long time. He doesn't come home. Wei Wei is where are the family members going to derive that figure from that fatherly figure from
May Allah protect us all.
Now if we move on to the relationship of the children themselves within each other, it is very important that the children themselves are made to understand that they are equal favoritism of one child is a very big crime totally prohibited completely Haram, many people are guilty of it.
Many children feel that my brother or my mother or my
my brother or my sister is much more loved by My parents than myself. Many children feel that that feeling is a dangerous feeling. It results in a warped upbringing of the child, very dangerous Haram in Islam. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam says, if you are going to give one sweet to one child and you have 10
you need to give all of them all of them equally fair.
You are not allowed to favor one child over the others never so much so that I have read certain books, which say that when you are naming your children, Todd try to keep similar names. So none of your children must think my name is so small and short. And look at my brother's got such a wonderful name, Allahu Akbar. That is justice and equality when it comes to your children even from naming them. So if you have a double barreled name for the first three children, why do you want to have a singular name for the fourth child?
The child might grow up thinking What did my father do? Even after you are dead? He might curse you.
Keep it quite similar. May Allah grant us understanding.
I have had a case where there was a young boy called Ali, who came to me and said, my father doesn't like me. And you know, children, when they speak to you, they are sincere. They have their points. And I said Why? He said look to start with. He named me Ali. I said, That's a beautiful name. He said, But my brother is called Volker name.
I said, so he said, That's such a long name. Beauty. Mine is only three letters, a Li finished.
And he says so long. Now the truth is, there's nothing wrong with that. But look at what he did to the child. My father doesn't love me to start with. He says, this was my name. Then he sent me to a government school and my brother went to a private school. Allahu Akbar. Look at that.
Look at that. So when we are sending our children
to schools, we need to send them to the same school.
So I told him, but why did your father do that? He says because my brother is clever. Maybe I'm not that clever. So my father wants him to become a doctor. So sent him to a private school and with me, I don't know what he wants me to become.
Imagine little children understand.
It is very dangerous to favor one child, very dangerous. Don't ever have a favorite child. Never. It is prohibited in Islam. That's me. You are my favorite child. Don't ever say
That never, all your children are favorite no matter what.
In fact, the one who is slightly slower, give them slightly more attention.
Another point is the issue of communication between the parents and the children. Many times, the parents don't realize that the world is changing.
Many times the parents don't realize that the world is progressing and changing. So the type of problems faced by the new generation will be different
from the types of problems that were faced by the older generation, they might come to you with something very absurd. Deal with it correctly. don't deal with it in such a way that they stop telling you what's happening in their lives.
Do you know we have a problem across the globe where
before, when people wanted to marry, this is a very important point when people wanted to marry. marriage was arranged, it was arranged, the boy was good, the girl was good, everyone was okay, no one had the story or so on. And things worked. Because each one went into marriage with the idea of serving the other and things worked. Nowadays, in a lot of the parts of the globe, communication is so sophisticated that by the time a girl gets to 16, she's got someone in mind.
And by the time a boy gets to a certain age, he's got someone in mind. If your communication with your child is good, they will keep you up to date with what they are thinking and what they are doing. But if your communication is bad, it will come to you as a shock. And that child may elope they may run away from you because they want to get to a person whom they love. And love is blind. So rather from the very beginning, educate your children about marriage that Look, don't be deceived by people, when you want to marry. These are the qualities you look for. And this is the type of spouse you need the mother of your children, this is what you need. And this is what needs to happen
and so on. And please, if there is anyone you ever show an interest in before it is too late, please can you talk to me and we will help you. We want goodness for you. We don't want evil for you. It is time we open the doors of that type of communication with our children. Because the world is changing. I have come across cases where people tell me that I am ready to sacrifice my parents, but I'm not going to sacrifice this girl finished.
When you hear that, you start thinking there is something wrong, you don't need to sacrifice your parents, I will talk to them. And when you talk to the parents, they say no weighs over my dead body. So I tell him just pretend to be dead for a while and it will happen.
So this is what it is communication needs to be taken to a new level. There is lack of communication in most homes, because even the husband and the wife don't communicate, how are we going to communicate with the children. Sometimes the mother is very close. So she knows everything. And the father disagrees with most of the things so no one talks to him. So now what happens is, it already polarizes the situation where everything that you want to get done, you just tell your mother about and everything else. You might want to talk to your father, maybe May Allah protect us. Communication is of utmost importance.
We need to open the doors, they might come with something absurd. I had a case where a man came to me, a man came to me.
And he told me, you know, my child is gay. My child is gay. 18 year old boy is gay.
I looked at him and I said, Look, we can counsel him, we can talk to him. We can try and see what depth and you know, why are you saying this? He says no. I just heard from someone. And I beat him up and I broke his bones and he has now been hospitalized.
Told him brother, that's not the way to deal with things. You cannot take away someone's wrong inclinations. by beating them. You can address the issue. And you can tackle it intellectually. And you can convince them and talk to them because it is a free world. Otherwise they'll go away. And there are many people who are ready to give them refuge.
So when I went to visit this young man, he was in a very poor condition.
He was not prepared to give up anything.
He admitted.
He says I am admitting so what I've already been beaten. My bones are already broken. Now watch. What more can you do? give me give me if you want. You know this statement comes out of some children.
took a long time Alhamdulillah we succeeded to talk to him over a period of time, and Alhamdulillah. Now he's married with children.
But what I am saying is, you cannot solve a problem with violence, never, not in the home. Violence is a sign of weakness and insecurity. When a man comes and wants to beat people, he himself is foolish, he is insecure, he has nothing besides his his, the venting of his frustration through through physical means to offer.
That's a sign that he's not a man, he wants to beat people up.
Violence in Islam does not resolve any matter. Never, it doesn't solve a problem, it will compound the problem and create even a bigger problem.
Because if you have a person who, for example, believes that five plus five is 11. You cannot roll your sleeves and start beating them.
You need to sit them down, start drawing things, maybe get to little buckets, put five fruits in one and five in the other. Tell him now please can you count them, he will get to 10 and stop you solve the problem. You thought of a solution rather than beating him up beating up if beating up toward people that five plus five was 10. Today, before the old level exam, we would put all the children in one line and give them 10 shots each.
And after getting whacked, they would go in all answers. That's not how it is.
Rather, you need to talk you need to explain you need to come up with intellectual solutions. You need to come up with you using your brain you need to come up with something that the child will be convinced about.
Because there are two things a child either listens to you out of fear, or the child is either convinced and does it.
And in Islam, we are taught to convince the child
when Salah is read,
when Salah is fulfilled,
up to a certain age, the children might be doing it out of fear. But after a certain age, you need to know that they must be doing it out of their own responsibility understanding that this is what is required of me.
Because if you are going to force the child by beating the child to read Salah in your presence, the Salah is done.
But when you are not there, there's no Salah why because you beat the child
in order to get there. But if you explain to the child look Salah is so important. It is an obligation from Allah subhanho wa Taala, the one who created you, who gave you the life, the one and so on, and the child watches you doing the same happily happily,
then naturally, you will have a solution to that. And the child will be fulfilling the Salah wholeheartedly.
So that is we were speaking about being fair and equal when it comes to your children.
We spoke about communicating with your child very, very important, then the education of your child is something extremely important. What type of schools do you send your child to? Can I inform you why we say that it's very important. There are two environments,
inside the house and outside the house.
Nowadays, the environment outside the house has a bigger impact upon an individual than the environment inside the environment outside has a bigger impact on an individual, then the environment inside. The friends have a bigger impact than the parents. So what the parents should do is try and help the child choose friends. Try and help the child choose friends by sending them to schools where there are decent people
where the discipline levels are high.
Because sometimes we've had parents who come to us and say, I don't know where I went wrong. I tried my best to give my child the best upbringing. But now suddenly after so many years the child is like this and like that, and I normally tell them Do you know that it is the
friends
We have a bigger impact.
So you might have given them a very good upbringing, but you never took an interest in the Friends of your children.
We need to take an interest in the Friends of our children, who are their friends? How do they select friends? Have we ever spoken to them about that? What type of friends should you have?
Sometimes those friends are imposed on them by the school because they are sitting right next to a person, you don't choose who you're going to sit next to at school. Suddenly, that person talks to you every single day, and you swap numbers and so on and you happen to talk and visit each other, and the qualities of that friend coming to your child, that friend might be from a totally broken home fully confused, and that confusion will seep to your child. Why? Because we did not train the child what type of friends to have, and what to take from a friend.
You don't take everything from your friend.
But we've never ever spoke to our children in this regard. So it's important to know that where we send our children
plays a big role in determining what type of a child that child will be.
Also, what is of prime importance is when we develop a link with Allah, when we as parents have a link with the scholars of Deen, naturally our children will incline towards the scholars.
When we are distance from the Obama, when we have nothing to do with the scholars of religion, when we are far from them, when we speak ill about them, the children will be the furthest away from the scholars of this religion.
And that is dangerous.
Also, we need to as I said yesterday, we need to strike a balance
between secular education
and Islamic education.
The secular education will help a child for a few years, but the Islamic education will take the child through life and beyond life
after death.
Sometimes you have parents who
concentrate on the education of their children spend lots of money, make them
something very big, you know, a highly qualified accountant. And a few days after graduation, big car accident and the child died.
May Allah protect us all?
Did that qualification help the child know when the child goes in the grave? Is the child going to be asked about accounts
that tell us more about understand younger? Tell us more about this and that? No.
in the grave, the religious knowledge will now help. So that is why the child who has no religious knowledge will curse his or her parents that Allah punish them. Because they taught me something that was not even going to help me. And if it did, it was going to help me for a short while. But they never told me about this meeting of ours. They never told me that I would get into the grave. I didn't know how to read Quran. I didn't know anything. I didn't understand the message of Allah and His messenger.
I was never sent to any institution and so on.
So this is why it's important for us to realize that when we attend a function like this, naturally our children will also be enthusiastic to attend. But when we are disinterested, our children will also be disinterested.
So the link you have with the scholars of Dean insha, Allah will open the doors of contentment within your home. You know, I have mentioned a lot. And I have spoken of many points.
And I hope and I pray
that I have covered all three aspects of what I had intended to cover. One was the parent parents relation. The other is the parent child relation. And the third is the child child relation. It's important we understand all three categories. The most important is the parent parents, because if the parents themselves happened to be leading an exemplary life, automatically the upbringing of children becomes easy, becomes very easy. But if the parents are in a chaotic state, naturally the children will be harmed by that chaotic state, and they will be in greater chaos. So we ask Allah subhanho wa Taala to open the doors for all of us. And we hope and pray that we have learned
something tonight, connected to this topic. And we hope and pray that everyone who has come here will take
Something and we definitely need to take it seriously.
We definitely need to take it seriously. Every one of us there is room for improvement tonight when we go home, make peace in the house starts start learning how to smile in the house. start learning to say good statements to your spouse. start learning to resolve matters. start learning to stop interfering in the lives of others. start learning to become people who make others lives easy, not difficult, so that when you die, people can really say this person lived such a life that they always helped others. They always made life easy for others. We need to start doing this. And the husbands really
there is room for improvement when it comes to the relations with the wives and the wives as well.
many wives are guilty of not appreciating what their husbands do for them. The man goes out in the morning and comes back in the evening. In order to earn in order to put a plate of food in front of you.
May Allah subhanho wa Taala grant us all appreciation. And may He make us from those who can appreciate everything that is done for us are sallallahu wasallam robotic Allah and Amina Mohammed somehow Lima handys of Hanukkah Lomo behind the Ganesha to Allah Allah in London so we're going to be like, Yo Allah we ask you to have mercy on us Yama Yama, have mercy on us Allah, Allah we ask you to open the doors of mercy for us, Allah forgive us Allah, forgive our shortcomings we are human beings Yama, we have a human nature Allah we, we make mistakes Allah, Allah forgive us. Grant a steadfastness keep us away from shavon and keep shavon away from us Allah, Allah grant us good
healthy Allah. Allah grant us good health, Allah, Allah those who are sick and Ill in any way like an anthem Curie Allah those who have passed away Have mercy on me Allah, Allah make us exemplary parents. Yeah, Allah. May Allah improve our relations Yeah, Allah make us exemplary parents and yeah, Allah protect our children Allah. Allah grant us all forms of goodness Yama.
Yama, we ask you all the goodness that Muhammad Sallallahu Sallam has asked, and we seek protection from all the evil he has sought protection from, until mastan Allah, Allah, Allah Allah Allah, Allah, Allah, Allah, Allah, Allah, Allah Subhana decarbonisation that a milestone, or Salama