Morad Awad – Awad Khutbah Are You a Good Parent
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We start by praising Allah
for all of the blessings that he bestowed
upon us. The first
Ameen. Ameen. And we send the best of
peace and blessings
upon our noble prophet Muhammad
and those companions who followed him,
and made and gave him victory, and stood
next to him, and those who continue to
stand next to the cause of Islam
and beside the teachings of Muhammad
until the day of judgment.
Brothers and sisters,
there's a story of 2 parents. Allah
blessed with marriage.
They got to know each other,
a righteous couple
raised right here in America,
very practicing,
very religious, very pious.
So they
thought that they will make
the marriage of the century.
When they got married,
they agreed to raise their kids in accordance
to the principles of Islam.
They agreed
to be an example of how a Muslim
family should be. Allah
blessed them with a child not so long
after this.
This child was born, they recited Quran,
taught him,
sent him to Quran school when he got
a little bit older,
and then
continued to raise him around Muslimeen, around the
masjid.
But then at a certain point of their
life, this child
started
to go
slowly go away
from the teaching of Islam,
slowly
started to express
rebellion
towards the teachings or towards the commands of
their parents.
This child started to express it when they
got to a certain age,
the age of puberty or perhaps a little
bit before.
They were so easy going before.
They were so simple to deal with, but
at this point,
the parents
are losing their grip over this child and
they have no idea why.
They sleep every night thinking, Where did we
go wrong?
What did we do wrong
to make our child do this? We offered
everything, we gave everything,
we did everything we can.
Oh Allah,
what can it possibly be?
The story
of
these parents
is the story
that many of us can relate to, or
some of us can relate to, or know
someone that can relate to it.
We live in very very challenging times today,
brothers and sisters.
And it is very important for us as
parents to understand
where we go wrong.
Serving
as a youth mentor, and living around
many of the youth and working in this
field for a very long time, alhamdulillah,
I have
a sense of understanding
when it comes to the struggles that many
of our kids are going through.
So today, I dedicated this khutba
towards giving advice to parents, and I am
one of them,
avoid when raising our kids, so that Allah
subhanahu wa ta'ala
can perhaps save them and make us a
cause for raising
a righteous
generation
that will carry the burden of Islam on
their backs.
Allah
Allah said
in the ayah,
in Surat Al Isra,
after mentioning that we
have to obey our parents,
subhanahu wa ta'ala then says,
And lower to them the wing
of
humbleness.
This is for who?
For us, towards our parents.
And then Allah
said, what type of dua we should make
for our parents. And I want everyone
to listen very closely,
and try to understand
the wording of this du'a, because it is
very important, and perhaps none of us really
pay attention to. Allah
said,
O Allah,
have mercy on them
the way they raised me when I was
a child. Us?
Not the way they provided for us. Not
the way they took us.
Us, not the way they provided for us,
not the way they took us out, not
the way
they did favors for us, but the way
they raised us in general.
Because there is a correlation
between
the relationship we have with our parents.
Now the way they raise us as children,
for the children here and for parents, because
we're all children to parents.
There is a correlation between
the way they raised us,
how good it was,
that experience
of being raised by our parents, and the
way we make du'a for Allah to have
mercy upon them. And this
is what we are going to speak about
today, bi'yinnillahi ta'ala.
A lot of us
teach our kids.
We teach our kids what we know about
Islam.
But sometimes
the methodology
by which we teach them is not necessarily
as perfect as the message we're trying to
convey.
Because the message of Islam is is without
a doubt
the most perfect of messages. It is the
complete religion from Allah
But that does
Allah But that does not mean that the
methodology we use
in
conveying this message, in teaching it to our
kids
is right.
And that's why I always say, it's the
method,
not the message.
It's the method,
not the message.
The method is what our kids see. The
message is what it takes them time to
discover by themselves.
The message is what they receive indirectly,
but the method
is what
they really feel and experience,
and what really affects them as we're teaching
them while they're go growing up.
No matter how good the message is, no
matter how perfect
no matter how good the message is, no
matter how perfect it is, no matter how
complete it is, if the method is not
correct, if
the way we're delivering it is not correct,
then it will not be accepted by anyone.
The Prophet
said in a hadith,
Talk to your children when they are young.
They will talk to you
when you are old.
Perfect justice.
You remember the principle I mentioned in one
of the khatab before?
What you give is what you get. You
talk to them, you explain things to them,
you give them time when they are young,
and Allah
This is the Prophet
saying, They will give you the same type
of time, the same type of talk when
you grow old.
A recent study
suggests
that
many of the kids
that end up not believing in God
or denying religion
actually do it because their parents
their parents and I want every parent in
here to listen to this. Their parents used
to say something and do the opposite,
or do something else.
They will talk the talk but not walk
the walk.
You can say that, Why do I represent
the religion in front of my kids? You
are the ambassador of Islam in front of
your children.
There is no representation
of Islam. It is not the imam of
the masjid or the hafid that teaches Quran
in the masjid.
Number 1, the number one representative of Islam
is you.
So it is your responsibility
to learn how to explain Islam,
to explain the history of Islam, the aqidah,
the creed of Islam to your children. If
they have any question, you should be the
one
to answer it for them. You should be
the one that knows all of the answers.
Not all of the answers, but has
a good method in explaining things
or knows how to refer back to someone
else when they
come with a question.
You are the number one ambassador of Islam
in front of your kids.
We often hear,
and I often hear, parents say,
My kids are rebelling.
Kids are disrespectful.
They never act the way I want them
to act in any given situation.
But I always tell the parents,
when is the last time
you hugged your child
or took took them on a walk and
told them you love them and that you're
with them no matter what?
When is the last time you sat them
down and asked them what is going through
their heads?
When is the last time you took them
out to a restaurant or a cafe and
spent some quality time, gave them a kiss
on their forehead?
When is the last time we showed our
this compassion, this genuine compassion to our children?
And many times,
at least with my there is a correlation
between the 2. So,
today,
a question arises.
What is this parent child relationship
built on?
And what are its foundational pillars? There are
only 4. When we talk about parent child
relationships,
we can only speak about 4 things.
Things. Number 1
is friendship.
Number 2 is trust.
Number 3 is positive
encouragement,
and number 4
is fixing
bad habits,
or correcting bad habits.
Anything to do
with parent
child
relationship
has to do with these 4 foundational
pillars. 70%
of the problems
between parents and their children
stems
from a non existent
friendship
or
a shaky friendship between the parent and the
child.
Sometimes there is no friendship.
Sometimes
the friendship is there,
but it is not nurtured, it isn't watered,
it isn't taken care of.
When the parent spends more time
on his friend's outside of the house
than the friends inside of the house,
it becomes very troublesome.
We are the role models. We are their
number one friends.
Once we
break this bond of friendship,
they are only going to search for it
outside.
And this is why we find kids come
home,
that there's this friend who who does this
and this bad thing. There's a girl who
I got to know, who wants me to
to do
this. And the parent says, where did I
go wrong?
I ask, why are they searching for this
love,
compassion,
understanding,
communication
outside of the house?
They should have it right then and there.
It should have never left them.
The second is trust. And there is no
doubt that trust
is another important
foundational principle
in our
relationship with our children.
The only way we can get our kids
to trust us
is if we express to them
day by day that we're with
them all the time,
no matter what.
Whatever situation they're in, whether they pass an
exam, they fail an matter
what,
then
this trust will be there. Matter what,
then this trust will be there,
and the relationship will be
there. The number 3
and the third point is positive encouragement.
Your kids need to
feel like you are the one that's always
behind them.
No matter what endeavor
they plan to embark in their life or
what goal they plan to pursue,
they need to feel like you are their
number
one fan. They have no fan like you
because you're always rooting them on and want
the best for them.
It can be something small,
like a gift
every now and then,
a smile,
a word of encouragement,
something to make them feel
like they're good to go, I'm behind you
the whole way.
But sometimes we make a very serious mistake
as parents.
Sometimes we want our kids to be exactly
the way we want them to be.
We want them to be doctors, engineers,
lawyers,
architects, whatever we want them to be.
Because for us,
in our life,
we saw that as successful, but that isn't
what the child wants to be.
He wants to be or she wants to
be something else.
And if they don't feel like they're getting
the support from you, they're going to find
it somewhere
else. And this is why we make a
grave mistake sometimes with our kids.
They say,
Mom or dad, I like to draw. Oh,
drawing is haram.
I like to sing. All singing is haram.
I like martial arts. Yeah, that's haram. Everything
is haram.
You're closing the doors for everything this child
likes.
How is he going to like Islam when
the only times he hears or she hears
about Islam is when it's haram?
They never hear about it when it's halal,
when it's good. When it's something fun, they
don't hear about halal.
The only time this religion comes in is
when it's haram.
How do we expect them to love religion
if the only
You have to guide them to that which
is right. If they like to draw, let
them draw the right things.
They
like to sing, let them study Quran and
Maqamat, let them study nasheed. Let them
pursue what they love, but guide it and
build it, and be the number one fan
before they find someone else who takes them
elsewhere,
to a place that you do not want
to see
them in. Be the one that holds their
hand and guides them.
This is your responsibility in front of Allah.
Sometimes when we close the doors
in front of our kids,
they start to rebel.
And this rebellion
can take
can
can be expressed in 2 different ways.
The first way
is just stubbornness, and we're used to that.
We see that in kids a lot of
times. Right?
They're stubborn.
They don't wanna listen. They purposely do acts
of mischief. Right?
The second way and the way
I seek refuge in Allah from, and I
ask Allah that none of our kids have
this.
And the second way they express this rebellion
is very very dangerous.
It is where
when this rebellion becomes internalized,
they bottle it in,
they don't express it outside,
they keep it inside,
and it produces stress,
anxiety,
depression.
They start being very
self conscious. It affects their social life. They
can't socialize anymore. It's because
they cannot express this rebellion outside. It's not
part of their personality. So they keep it
inside, they suppress
it. And this is very dangerous because it's
not going to stay that way for a
long time. It usually
out very in a very bad way.
We seek refuge in Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
from this.
The prophet
or Allah says
in
Say,
say, O Muhammad and O Muslim that this
is my path. I call to Allah with
a clear path in front of my eyes.
I see where I'm going.
As a parent, you need to understand
the path you are walking on,
and where you need to go to raise
up upright Muslim children.
You cannot do it without study, research, asking
people of wisdom.
You need to understand
what your child is going through, and be
there for them at every level of their
life.
And make sure that they never replace you
with anyone else.
We
ask Allah to guide our children
so that they don't replace us with anyone.
We ask Allah to make us the best
of parents for our children.
Sometimes religious parents fall into another problem
where they want their kids to be just
as religious as them. And when their child
doesn't have that level of religiosity,
they start to suppress the child or force
the child to perform to perform acts of
of worship. Oh, you must pray.
You don't want to pray? I'm going to
force you to pray.
Rather than take by the child's hand and
under make them understand why they're doing it.
Oh, maybe they don't understand who Allah
is.
Maybe they don't perceive the bounty that Allah
bestowed upon us by making us
and creating us, and giving us the chance
to be entered into
Jannah. Maybe they don't understand, these are not
robots.
Our kids are humans. They have rationale, they
have logic, and they need to understand.
So we need to sit them down and
make them understand.
If we can't,
then we take them to someone who can
talk to them. Or we as parents go
to someone who can explain to us how
to approach
our children.
Brothers,
it's brothers and sisters, it's a very very
sensitive topic. I understand.
But it is something that
needs to be studied,
and deserves
for us to read books upon books, and
to listen to lectures upon lectures
about this. Because if we produce one upright,
righteous Muslim,
that Muslim
can carry a whole ummah.
That one person can carry a whole, but
it's so difficult to produce.
We ask Allah to
make us from those who produce these upright
Muslim children. We ask Allah
to make our children defenders of Islam and
Muslimeen.
We ask Allah
to use us and our children for the
sake of Allah, and never to replace us
with anyone.
After mentioning
what we mentioned
in the last khutba,
sometimes,
you know, we make mistakes innocently. We don't
know
what we're doing when we're raising our children.
Sometimes, you know, I don't doubt that every
single parent tries their best
to raise good children.
But
are we trying our best when the information
is out there and we choose
not to ask for it?
When the imam
or the child mentor, the professional,
or the psychiatrist, or someone who can advise
us, give us good advice about how to
raise children, is there but we
don't give it the time.
Are we really trying our best?
That's a question we have to ask ourselves.
And today, inshallah,
with the second khutba, all I want to
do is mention
10
different words
or 10 things that we say
that absolutely
destroy
destroy our children. That destroy our children.
A word? Yes. It's not an upbringing.
It's not a routine
in the house. No. No. It's a word.
Something you say that
destroys the child,
internally and externally.
Ten different points brothers and sisters, and I
want every single one of you to listen
very closely,
try to remember all of them. And before
I even mention them, I ask Allah that
we avoid them.
Number 1 is cursing at the child.
Cursing
destroys a child from within.
The Prophet
he says, I was not sent to curse
at people,
but I was sent as a mercy to
mankind.
Be like your Prophet
Do not curse at your children because you
might think it's funny, you might think it's
something that you grew up doing,
but this curse and the list is very
big for cursing.
The list is very big. This cursing
internalizes
differently in the in the heart of the
child. It resonates a certain way,
and it produces this rebellion that we were
speaking about in the last khutbah.
How can they be confident in us when
we
curse at them?
We disrespect them.
Number 2 is putting them down. Oh, you're
a liar. Oh, you're a cheater.
Oh, you're this. Oh, you're that.
The Prophet
He never called anyone names in his life
This is makarim al akhlaq. How can we
do it with our own children
who we are responsible for?
Oh, you're a whiner.
You're a crybaby.
How many times do we hear this? But
it breaks the child. It destroys them from
within.
So we should avoid it.
Number 3,
comparing them to someone else.
Your sister is so much smarter than you.
Your sister looks better than you. Your brother,
he he he's a better sportsman.
He's faster. He runs faster. You'll never be
like your cousin.
Your cousin is a But
you Look at you. This destroys the child
when you compare him to someone else or
compare her to someone else. So we should
avoid it by
by any means. Do not say it. If
you're used to it,
then catch yourself,
if you pass your exams.
I love you if if you get valedictorian.
I love you if your GPA is 4.0.
I love you if you only if you
come home at 10 PM. Anything after that,
then I don't love you. What does this
conditional love teach our children?
We have to make them understand that we
love them no matter what they do.
And they have to understand this. This should
be in imprinted and forged in their head.
But,
you love the action itself.
You know, I would like it if you
come. I love it when you come home
early. I love it when you pass your
exams. I I really love it when you
when you get number 1 in class.
But love in general,
it should unconditionally
be there and they should not doubt it
at all. Number 5,
giving wrong information.
Why are you crying?
You know, men don't cry.
That's not true, brothers and sisters. Men cry.
Muhammad sallallahu alaihi wa sallam cried. Abu Bakr
who cried. As a matter of fact, that
was what they called him, rajul Asif, meaning
he cries too much.
Abu Bakr used to cry too much. How
can we tell our child men don't
cry? We have to tell them true words
like,
you
gave me a headache.
Driving me crazy.
They didn't drive you crazy. There's nothing crazy
about you. You're fine.
Give them correct information.
Number 6,
mocking them.
Oh, you're fat. You're lazy.
You sleep too much.
What is a child going to think? I
know sometimes a parent sees their child doing
something or, you know, gaining some weight
or not eating too much
or,
you know, sleeping a little bit, too, or
their sleeping habits aren't right. So we say
things like, you're a sleepy
head. I catch you. You're always asleep. You
never do you're good for nothing.
What kind of child
are we going to bring up when we
are the ones breaking them within?
They go outside to look for people who
can empower them. They go outside,
do crazy things
in colleges and universities. Why? Because they're looking
for the structure. They're looking for the respect.
That's all they were looking for. If they
found it home,
they never would have went out to look
for it.
If they found it home,
they would have never went out to look
for it.
Number 7.
Explicit threats.
You know I'll kill you, right?
I'm gonna hang you from the window. I'm
going to do this with aya dubillah.
Sometimes we hear parents do this. What kind
of parents are we when we give them
such explicit Imagine, try to visualize. I'm gonna
bang your head into the wall.
That's something we should refrain from. It scares
them. They're children. They don't know what figures
of speech are. They don't know what common
threats are. You know, oh, yeah. This is
just something ever
No. They don't know what it is. They
understand the words. When you say, say, I'll
do this to you. I'll bang your head
in the wall. They're they're thinking of banging
the head into the wall. Wow.
Mom will do that to me. Dad will
do that to me. That's what they're thinking.
So we should refrain from it.
Number 8,
saying no for no apparent reason.
Dad, why can't I do this? No.
Please, let me No. Why? Can you explain?
No. I don't need to explain. No means
no.
This doesn't work with kids. You need to
explain it to them. If you don't explain
it, you don't have time to explain it
at a certain time, you explain it later.
The Prophet
never said no, except when he had to.
Anas ibn Malik said, I lived with him
10 years. He didn't say no to me
once. And a poet said, if it wasn't
for the la in the tashahhud,
he would have said
all
the
time. Number 8, number 9, making dua against
them.
We know how bad this is.
We
make dua with when Allah
taught us how to make dua
so we can make it for
He taught us his dua
came true du'a came true and they they
really regret it. And we see examples of
this. They regret it because they saw their
own du'a
being answered in front
of them. We want our good dua to
be answered, brothers and sisters.
Number 10
and the last point,
exposing their faults in front of others.
You have a gathering with friends, or they
meet with their grandparents. Oh, you know what
he did last night?
Oh, you know what he did last week?
He broke this. He did that. He failed
this. He
This makes the child look this big in
front of people.
The parent that should be boasting them, making
them confident, pumping this confidence in them,
this parent who who was the reason for
their their life,
should be the one standing beside them the
whole way, the whole way. When this parent
is the one making them look small in
front of people, you think they're going to
want to spend time with the parent?
Absolutely not.
We seek refuge in Allah from all of
these 10 things brothers and sisters. If there's
anything
that we do from these 10 things, then
from today walking out of the khutba, you
must make a vow to Allah
that you will not repeat it because it's
really detrimental.
And it's a serious issue brothers and sisters.
We ask Allah
to guide us to the best of akhlaq.
No one can guide us to the best
of akhlaq except for him. We ask Allah
to show us the straight path because indeed
no one can show us the straight path
except for him. We ask Allah to forgive
us, have mercy on us, give us righteous
righteous
Islam and the message
of Islam Islam and the message of Islam.
We ask Allah
to guide us.