Restoring Marital Bliss
Channel: Mohammad Elshinawy
File Size: 31.09MB
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we begin the name of abominable praise and glory belongs to a lovely thank him and we seek his aid and his guidance and his pleasure and his forgiveness. And we asked him to protect us from the evil whispers within our souls, and the awful consequences of our evil actions from whenever our love guides, no one can lead us astray. And remember, our love leaves a stranger and can guide and we testify that no one is worthy of our worship, our servitude, alone without any partners, the true supreme King, so kind of exalted in the mighty and majestic, and that the Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was indeed in truth, His Prophet and his servant and His Messenger.
Well, people have done a lot of diligence as have the support of Allah, be forever mindful and dutiful to Allah, Apolo code and sadita and say a word that reaches the market precise word, Allah will rectify familiar deeds and forgive for you Your misdeeds, your mistakes, and whomever obeys Allah and His Messenger, then that person has succeeded to the greatest success and attain the greatest attainment by that obedience. And to begin after welcoming our brothers and sisters to another tomorrow. We began last week discussing two major struggles we as a society and more specifically, as a Muslim community are facing and that is the challenge the slow rate in which
people are getting married, the challenge of getting married. And then the fast rate of divorce is our appointment today how to stay married.
Statistics aside, it is of the greatest reasons that many people know that
people are disinterested and they put off they defer marriage is that they go in and there's a dark cloud in the back of their head, that this is not going to be good for me. This is most likely number one, because the numbers do say that, that more than half of the marriages end up in a divorce. So more likely than not, I'm not going to find inner peace here, or I'm not may not find happiness, as they say in this marriage.
And this is essential, because he said to us, for me it
is a school in a a and from His signs, the signs of his powers that he created for you out of you. Out of the male the female out of Adam, how was he running herself? letus school? No eBay has so that you may find this piece with them so that you may find this tranquility with them.
Though people may think this is totally unrelated, why is it that a person
economic ignores their child sells out their relationship with their child jeopardizes it because of their phone?
It's because their phone gives them greater satisfaction, greater comfort, in terms of speed, it's instant satisfaction, instant gratification. My generation when they get bored, they just write it to 10 different people just so somebody will give them a response. It feels good. There's actually a chemical release called dopamine that happens. It's an instant, the same thing that happens when you take drugs, same thing that happens that's released when you drink alcohol. And so this is so fast, that without even thinking about it. You prefer it over your relationship with your child, because it gives you more second, even if it's temporary. It gives you more comfort. That's a human need we
have now what's this has to do with marriage. Why is it that people can jeopardize their relationship with their spouse you can endanger your marriage or relationship because of your children.
Because when you compare those two now, you'll find great that you find greater second with your kids, you find greater comfort with your children than you do find with your spouse. This second is totally fine, it's a human need. But one of the signs that you're not seeking that you don't have it in your marriage or relationship, which is when it becomes cold it becomes tasteless people walk away from it is when you are not giving it the time of day. So a person needs to be very careful of that. And we'll speak a bit about the misunderstandings why we tend to ignore it, why we tend to fake it to divorce, why we tend to walk away from this venture, of reinstating the second and the
second in our in our lives and our marital lives.
And the danger of this should be known to all the danger of this is that it will reflect no doubt
on your children, right. And under relationship with people, people prefer their relationship with others over their relationship with their kids and their family. And as they say, like our social circle now is 100 miles wide, but it's only about an inch deep. There's no meaningful relationships in our lives anymore. That's part of our problem, but also to reflect on your children. Because if you think you can focus on your children and ignoring your spouse, ignore your wife or your husband, and not invest in that relationship. Also, this will not just park the marriage, it will harm the child as well. And this is established fact. I mean, the the studies behind this are clear. There's
a direct link between
crime rates, substance abuse, drugs, failure in school imprisonment, all of that, and there and the imbalance of two parents involved in this child's upbringing. So you can just go on your own and live with your child and make your child happy and fight with your spouse about it and think your child is going to be happy, it will ruin you and ruin your child. And shame on By the way, I understood this very well. And he told us that he understood the power, the potential of the marriage or relationship is the core, and everything is dependent on it. And our ma selligent finally said that to us in the Quran, when Musashi Sarah, and this is customary in the language of
the Ottomans, we just signed up for it. He says fella
finished his service, the time he promised to help his father in law, the 10 years in Midian. And he traveled with his end,
he only traveled with his wife, but a monk called the wife and family because your wife is the most core component in your family. Your husband is the primary member of your family. The marriage relationship is where it all begins. That's why when the Prophet sallallahu wasallam said, hey, look,
at the best of us the best of his family and I'm the rest of my family. The word to me, my family, he needs his wife. He needs his wives because he was addressing men, about his wife on his level setup about the woman he was married to and he was set up. Because this is the core. If you undo this one, everything else is a piece of shape.
You don't even the province of Obama is in the visa, you're not allowed
to my back to Somalia that it leads to a bond he sets his throne his chair each day, he sets his chair on the water on the seas. And he sends for his legions to recap in the world. And then he calls them back
for cramo who mean whom he said, our our,
the closest of them that he allows when they come back at the end of the day, the closest of them he allows to sit next to him are the worst of them.
So he listened to each one of them. They give him reports What did you do today? He says man talk to happy hour I didn't leave this guy till he did this and this and I didn't leave that guy just did this and this and every time she tells him you haven't done anything.
Big deal. I think this and this could be something huge. I caused him skin exam. I caused him to drink alcohol I he says until one of them comes and says Matt soft, who had the courage to beta mu beta. I did not leave him until I separated between him and his family. Families wife, family means about his family again. him and his family sociate on the beach, the head shape on says swim and near him and
you You're the one
how excellent you are. And he sits in the closest sitting closest to the police because this is the entrance to everything else. And so we want to talk about this a little bit how to evade that because there's many reasons
Why the warmth is gone, why the second could be gone. It could be there's problems in your relationship. That could be it. But it could also be just ignorance, we don't understand how to deal with each other. That's possibility as well.
And there are other causes as well. But just to discuss two major misunderstandings that result in decayed marriages, marriages that fall apart, not problems, not taking your spouse for granted. That's another one, right? You just think automatically, you just going to get married and you're going to just Everything's going to be fine. You don't need to put in work. And other times you really want to put in work with just ignorance, you don't know how you don't understand. So we want to better understand what remains of the two major misunderstandings, the first of them
the belief that marriage brings about happiness, many people think marriage brings about happiness. And where we got this from, it's very clear, when we got this wrong, we got it from the movies and from the books and the you read to your children even until today. And then they got married, and they lived happily ever after.
It's very interesting, because if you ask almost anybody today, any married person who's been married for 10 years, 20 years, 30 years, are you happy with your marriage? do you advise that I get married his marriage with what they say it is? He's imagining happily ever? Are you got your mind? Are you crazy?
Now even the Ferris one of the various people I know when I asked when I told them, I don't know, should I get married or not? He didn't tell me you're going to be happy. He said to me, Listen, the province of a lot of audience and it was never going to tell you something that's bad for you. He said get married, get married.
And so this assumption that marriage is gonna make you happy is one of the major reasons why you're not happy. Marriage has nothing to do with happiness. Marriage will make you responsible. marriage will not make you happy.
If you want to be happy, that's your job to make yourself happy. Irrespective of your circumstances, regardless of your marital status, whether you're married or you're not.
Happiness is a risk there among grants. Marriage could be one of the ways that love provides you to on rooted fine, but it is not necessary. Even when the profits of
to the DNA
chain, that whoever Allah provides with a righteous woman that he has helped him. He's helped him with half of his religion, half of his religious commitment that he thought was set up. And so a local provides you with something else to help you help you in your deen help you and your happiness is not dependent on your marriage. Your Deen is not dependent on your marriage, your happiness is not dependent on your marriage. And we need to come to terms with that. I'm gonna keep repeating it because no matter how many times we say it in the whole book, you've heard it more times outside the very opposite. A person could have no wife could have no health could have no wealth, and they're
And this exists. You know, interestingly,
Arthur Ashe I believe it's the system.
Arthur Ashe was a very famous tennis player in the 80s. If you're if any of you know if any of you are into tennis, I shared the story with some people before this man he had.
He was infected with AIDS because he had to go heart surgery and the blood was infected. And he caught the AIDS virus.
And he received 1000s of letters from people all over the world. And one of them said to him, why did God select You of all people to get AIDS?
Basically, you're the healthiest guy in the world. You're a Wimbledon champion or finalist Wimbledon is like the Super Bowl of tennis. That's correct to see.
And you the last person to think that would get cancer to get AIDS would be someone like you
and he wrote back to them and this was published in a book on how to stop feeling like you're a victim. Like it's just I did everything and I'm wrong.
He saying this in mind. He told him this is in my hands. How I look at this. He said to them there are 5 million people in the world that play tennis
50,000 get good 5000 become professionals. 50 of them go to the Wimbledon tournament and for make it to the to the Final Four.
And only to make it to the finals. I never asked God. Why is it that you picked
To me to be one out of 5 million. So I'm when I'm hurting, I'm not gonna ask God, why did you give me this pain, he chooses to be happy, he chooses to correctly look at Allah subhanho wa Taala, who's in charge of his life. And the opposite is also true. A person could have the most perfect spouse and have wealth and have health, and they are miserable. They are miserable. You know, there was one of the most famous people from what I hear in America, United States, very high end lawyer. In early the first few days of last December, in Dallas, Texas, his daughter committed suicide despite having the world that her disposal, she committed suicide because she wasn't happy. And her father could
not handle it. And two days later, he was found dead of a heart attack in his quarter million dollar Rolls Royce car, Rolls Royce car, and he had everything, but they weren't happy.
And so we need to untangle this from our minds, this issue that marriage is automatically going to bring us this happiness. And by the way, this is manufactured, right? It's manufactured that if you get married, and there's a checklist, you get the ring that cost this much and this and live like that you're going to be happy. The people have done that. It didn't work. Where did they get this notion from? Its advertisement. You know, the advertisement does for you. The television does for you what it tells you how miserable you are, how pathetic you are. Every time you watch the commercials, it tells you something you don't have. It tells you the brand new car you just bought,
just became outdated. There's a new one.
I don't even have the love. I know a lot of the greats of the tambourine, the great emails of the tambourine. He says Janice stood up in the air fill me up when I had an extra lemon meaning I sat I used to live with the rich, I was a wealthy person. Nobody had more stress than me.
He says out of farson accent women Farsi, with elven accent on me, every time I get a horse, someone has a nicer horse as a nicer ride. Every time I buy some clothes, someone has nicer clothes. And so happiness can't be a goal because someone as soon as you get to what you think will make you happy, you'll find someone on top of you, in every category, in beauty, in wealth, in health, in fame, in eloquent intelligence, whatever it may be.
And so this is this is the first thing we need to do is to realize that a person is happiness comes not from happiness, because that's it's a circular mission that we will never get to. It comes from a reader. It comes from being content with their situation, choosing to be happy. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he said to us, les sent to the Vina on Capitol Hill out with a Kindle Vina gentle, calm, they're being
satisfied, you know, Hina it means rich, but Rena also means who have money, you don't have the means to have no need. That could be a feeling right? To be satisfied. There is no room here the cup is full. I don't want anything
you choose to look at the cup is full. He says it is not by having many possessions to feel this greener. Will I Kindle Hina, venal calm but true riches meaning contentment, through satisfaction, satisfaction, other possessions, with satisfaction of perception, the heart, how you see the world around you? Either could even I couldn't have been been funnier in the reviews to say for an telemedical dunia says that if you are someone that that just is satisfied with what you have, the little that you have, then you and the owner of the planet, the one who is the king of kings in this world, your equal
rather, you are better off than him. Because usually the more you have, the less satisfied you become. You get distracted by these things. And with regards to marriage, this is not just why does this person have that ring and that wedding and this house and they move to a bigger house. It's not just that even this is essential. That's why we tell people don't broadcast people don't broadcast your life to the world slap stop looking at other people's lives on the world, Whatsapp is the new TV. That's how it happens. Now, you hit forward and everyone knows and everyone sees and I love punishes people many times by others that don't have they strike them with a lion and has an evil
eye. And these are reality.
And so if a person wants to be happy, he needs to shut the doors to these things, the blurriness of his happiness. And then aside from possessions, it's also in behavior. Be content with what you have of the behavior of your spouse, and work on it.
There's a difference between wanting to improve your spouse and between refusing to accept your spouse for who they are at the moment. Big difference on the profit side
Allahu alayhi wa sallam tells you lakra movement Amina is a caddy humming her palapa, Radha Madhava, who,
when a person hit, let no believing man hate his wife, and vice versa. Of course, when he hates one quality about her, let him like another quality. That's part of being content or it's part of a rhythm.
But at the same time, that doesn't mean you're accepting that bad quality of verse, you just accept that nobody's perfect. And this is not going to happen overnight. This is going to take work, I can accept that.
You are not to accept evil, but you are to accept the fact that nobody can undo their evil overnight, not you, not your spouse, be content with your situation content with your struggle, even if you feel like you're oppressed.
You know, I one of the most beneficial statements.
With regards to interpersonal relations, one of the early scholars, he says, he told me, he said to me, one of my teachers said to me this statement, I write it on my desk. And every time I'm boiling inside, from dealing with people, relationships are the hardest thing in life. He says, I read this and it just it puts out the flames inside me. He says I remember and I read it and it says he's a quantum of lumen faladi Salah who I like and he said your volume
is a quantum of lumen filati sallallahu alayka lays everybody. Even if you feel wrong, like it's not fair and all this right? Because we always feel that way.
If you are, if you are the one who enabled them to wrong you is not a wrongdoer. Right, this is also the father of Allah, Allah could have stopped this person, a lot could have stripped them of that quality. You could have married someone that had a different quality, but it is part of us justice and certain things happen to us. And that's why the early Muslims, when they see flaws in their spouses, they will check in flaws in themselves as well. They will not ignore the flaw. They would run their family with wisdom with gentleness, with righteousness with sincerity, but at the same time, they would look inside, you know, fellating the other hand on love, he says, in the law sila
to Allah will he do that he can see that but even morality, every time I this obey Allah, I recognize that in the animal that I write, and in my wife
not comparing the modules. He's seeing that every time I disobey Allah. problems happen. Right? My car breaks down. My wife
is not pleased with me. She becomes unruly. She's she, I have problems. There's America, there's a conflict. And the wife needs to do the same thing. When you when you find a problem between you and your what has caused that barrier you to do not have a relationship outside of the control of alliances and agenda. He is part of he is the most effective cause he is the true doers who kinda was Allah He is the medic. So you deal with him. And we will build on that in a minute and Chavo tada
salatu salam ala Milena Viva La ilaha illAllah
So the first misunderstanding that trips many of us up in our generation Muslims or non Muslims is the presumption misunderstanding that marriage brings happiness. contentment brings happiness, contentment brings happiness.
Marriage does not.
And so being content with your marriage is essential for you to be happy while trying to improve the second misunderstanding and we don't have too much time for it. I only have about five, six minutes is the presumption you think? And we don't think so in theory, if I asked you, you'll tell me the right answer. But then practice completely different all of us, myself included, that we think kindness is conditional. Like, I will be kind to you on the condition that you're kind to me. And so I wife does not want to give her husband a smile until he earns it.
And the husband is not going to be good with his wife, unless she's good with him.
Who set that standard?
Who said that's the way we deal with each other. And this is a huge problem in marriage. You say I've been trying. I've been trying. I've been trying and trying for 10 years. I've been tried, it doesn't work.
She's not getting the message. He's still the same. Who said you're supposed to do this. And you get to decide when he changes or when she changes. You have to keep going all the way
We St. You have to keep acting the way that a lot of zildjian told you to act to kind of go without, you know, a lot of Article goddesses, women, accidental poden women, there is
a minimum who's better than someone that calls to Allah and does good deeds and says I'm a submitter.
He combines between it all he makes the claim. And he calls to it and he acts on it.
That's what it's about. You're supposed to be a good person is someone that's admits to Allah period, awaits his returns from Allah period? What if I told you something that's not to your liking? What about lies that gives you a command? You don't feel satisfying? not satisfactory to you? Are you supposed to obey him or not?
Clearly, yes, every Muslim says Yes. What if we told you to slaughter your son? It never did to kind of like you did with Abraham peace be upon him. And he said, I'm right. But the notion is if you are someone who submits to Allah that Allah says the wife acts like this, the husband excellent, that's it case. Doesn't matter. Anything else? Your dealings with Allah subhanho wa Taala? Is this easy? It's not easy. No way. It cannot be easy.
But the true success of a person is someone who is able to pull it off. Where do you find the strength to pull it off? by reinforcing that your truest relationship? Is your relationship with Allah? What makes us feel weak? Like I can't do this? I've been doing this for too long. It's enough. I wish you would give me this little button years ago. Where do you get the strength from to restore this, if you're already in a marriage? weakness comes from there being a gap. That's why law says that, you know, law you call to a law and you do good deeds. Because when, when your claims what you believe what you say you believe,
are go far away from your actions, you start feeling like a hypocrite. So you feel weak, you feel like,
right. But when you close that gap,
between your knowledge, your beliefs and your actions, that's where your strength is going to come from.
That's why I said the same thing. He said in an incentive, if you hosted you're gonna fail, you're not gonna be able to climb in the levina M and wamena saleha. Right. You do good deeds. You believe and you do good deeds. But is it easy? No, wait, that's what he said what also would have to also you have to encourage each other, what the also the sub and tell each other to be patient could take years could take a decade. closing this gap is the summary of the life of the Muslim.
And so Allah just says this, and then these are the if you need to go back to it every time you have turbulence in your marriage go back to these as these I add on sort of
the end of students who sit at the very last of sort of facility. Then he says to her and I say I'm one of the submitters, then he says, Well, I still will have Sarah to LSE and know that the evil behavior and the good behavior, they're not equal. You know why? Because when someone treats you evil, you try to treat them
equally evil. Allah saying they're not equal.
You being a good person and you being a bad person is not equal. Meaning choose the better choice. indefatigability see here accent is so beautiful the way the way a lot of words for you your character. Look, just follow me in the next two minutes in the fact in fact means respond someone's evil someone's nasty with you respond how Allah says In fact, it's fine means push, by the way.
It's like it says if I was telling you, you're gonna sweat. It's gonna be hard work. It's not easy. In the fact many says Be let's see here accent try to push back respond in the way that is best.
Because human nature, by the way, is that you respond in a way that is worse. not equal. You know, if someone curses you ideally, it's a just like a love letter. Right? If you want to say fairly, he curses you, but most people don't even curse back. That's why the prophet SAW Selim said layer on rajawali D. No person should curse his own parents is Eros Love, love.
Don't ever do that.
he says to him, You are super Rajan Abba Rajan for suku about who? you curse a man's father. So he curses your mother and your father? Is that usually how it happens? So you respond in a way that's worse. So Allah sound you respond in a way that's best so that if you slip,
you're still in a way that's good. Then he says, for either let the vena cava we're very enough who can never want you having this is almost promise. You need to believe in this. If you act like this. The one between you and him is tension you and her is tension. They will be like the warm mist of your kin. They will be like blood. There'll be like your parents. There'll be the closest people
You know, think about it, the prophet SAW send them was kind to people in Mecca, wasn't he? These Ifk down on record, by the way, during the persecution, some people it took them 1520 years or 18 years to get to actually get into the kindness and accept him
and love him more than they love their entire families. This is the promise of a lot. You know, sometimes we try so hard to get people to warm over to us. Whether it's our spouses, the in laws, and we buy gifts and we take them out to dinner and we do all these things that just doesn't work. So what do I do? Allah says, What lF avena Allah says, I bring hearts together. Lo and mF will have the Jamie and Matt left Amina Peruvian, if you spend all the riches of the world, you're not going to be able to do it. But Allah, Allah does it to kind of hold on he brings the hearts together. Then he says, Well, are you a Latina solver?
And only someone who is patient? Don't tell me how many times what am I you have all had no one's able to do it except someone who gets a great share from Allah. Don't wait for the people to appreciate. It's not gonna work. Don't wait for that. If you wait for that you're going to get impatient. But when you're waiting for a loved reward in the Hereafter, his pleasure and Jenna that's how you're going to be able to endure. Someone will tell me and I'm done. The final area says
it answers the question but I tried and I keep failing. That's fine. You're human. You're allowed to lose it. Or should I say you're expected to lose it? Allah says For him it remains the NZ London the Communist Party does one first Derek Miller in our semi rally. And when shaytaan gets at you, again, cause turbulence in your relationship with whoever again, then just seek seek shelter without luck. Just pull out, calm down, shelter yourself, recalibrate? Who am I doing this for? And go back and do it again. 1005 times, five years. Just keep doing it. until it becomes second nature to you. until you start serving a lot and all the people love you. You taste the sweetness of a man men probably
be content with Allah as your Lord. So
that's it. And everything else magically falls into place you'll restore your passion, your love and the compassion the mercy in your universe to restore your inner peace will restore all of it. May Allah subhanaw taala make that a reality for us of you. And forgive me for the extra four minutes and the
love affair in our community.
As well as in our reality I forgot to subpoena him ever.
Again, have learned I
have learned I
mean, I saw him last month with rubella was rough and Effie andrina was a bit of them and also nalco McAfee love muffuletta was left. at bay Nina was Nina Sula, Salaam Alaikum Wa salli wa sallim wa barik ala nabina Muhammad while he was a big marine