Mohamed Magid – The ParentChild Relationship Beyond the Basics #08
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AI: Transcript ©
Our topic today inshallah
about the
Biralu Alidayn
of parents, children, and relationship.
In the human relations,
or
being kind to the parents.
And the specter parents
take the top priority
of the,
in the ladder
of human relationships.
The top priority is the respecting of parents.
Therefore, Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala
give the authority, the first authority human being
over any other human being
to the parents.
Adam and Eve,
they didn't have a country to rule.
The first authority a lot given to any
human being is over their own children,
and that's the case.
The the first form of authority
the children
experienced in their life
is the authority of parents.
Therefore, this
dynamic of relationship between parents and
children take a very important place
in Islam.
Today, the
in in America, they have fatherhood
initiatives.
They have mother single,
mothers initiative.
There's import everyone realize the importance
of this relationship.
If we like to examine what Quran Kareem
said and the,
sire of Rasoolam
mentioned and the sunnah of Rasoolam,
we will see that there's a great emphasis
on this relationship.
Anyone sitting here
has parent.
I'm saying everyone I made a statement.
Everyone sitting here has parent. Am I correct?
Yes. Whether your parents are alive or dead,
that is still your you have a parent.
You have parents.
Therefore,
this subject is concerned everyone sing sitting here.
Therefore, there's no person who's sitting in this
room, that subject, that's not concern them.
You know, some people say this subject is
not familiar with marriage.
You know? I'm not ready to get married,
And then all people say,
this this issue about having children and I
don't have children,
therefore it doesn't concern me.
For but this topic is concern every person
sitting here,
our parent.
Okay?
And how to
to deal with them and also
everyone us everyone of us is a child
of a parent
that is the the the we have to
not only,
look to the,
the respect
to our parent, but how can improve our
relationship and level of communication with them.
And if you are happen to be a
parent,
sitting in this
class, also that that concern you because also
gonna address the issue
of how
parents
should deal with children.
The
word. You hear this a lot of word
word.
Do you know what means in Arabic?
Means righteousness.
Righteousness,
and Allah
Allah
says righteousness is not to turn your east
to, face toward the east or to west,
but to believe Allah
and day of judgment
and angels and the prophets and the books
and to bring out to give money,
for those who are in need.
Therefore, it's
a very important word in Arabic, in Islam.
Rasool alaihi wa Salam also said,
Bir,
righteousness
is mean the best moral conduct.
Also, in
dealing with non Muslim
even.
Allah will not forbid for you or forbid
them for you
to be kind
to those who don't believe
or this,
those who
do not
accept what you believe as long they have
not
driven you out of your home.
Did not fight you
or did not drive you out of your
homes.
As long they have not done that, be
kind to them. It's called Bir.
For Bir, it is a a concept, the
principles in Islam of kindness.
Okay?
Of anyone is means to be kind to
them.
Is means to be kind
to our parents, not
only kindness, but to treat them in the
most respectful manner,
that's called beer,
to take care of them in every aspect.
The principles of Biral Walidain been
listed by a great scholar,
his name, Kor Tobi, in his tafsir.
He come to some points or conclusions. He
said,
Allah
order us to worship him alone,
and he connected
his
worshiping
or being worshiping him alone to being kind
to our parent.
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala have ordered
that
to worship none but him, Allah subhanahu wa
ta'ala, and to be kind to your parents.
And in Arabic
means treat someone with
almost kindness, is with the maximum kindness with
the the best way of treatment.
Don't worship anyone but me.
And be kind to your parents.
And that's why
the
being ungrateful to the parents
is considered being ungrateful to Allah
and ungrateful to what they have done for
us.
Allah says in Quran,
and. Say, being grateful to me, I'm being
grateful to your parents,
and to me or for me or to
me will be the return. Elay El Masir.
Therefore, it
is a very important
relationship.
And very interesting in the Quran, Quran spoke
about concept of
of,
parenthood in
a beautiful way. He talks about
the concept of being mother
and counsel of being a child,
a righteous child,
and of being a father.
Look to the
Quran,
take this book by
strength, by power, seriously.
And Allah Allah
says with kindness
from us was akat in purification,
and he was
a righteous man.
And he was kind to his parents,
talking about Yahya.
And he was not a harsh person.
Then
Allah
also says in Quran
about Issa
Isa Alaihi Salam says,
he said, and Allah
made me been blessed wherever I may be
wherever I may be.
And Allah ordered me to do Zakah
and prayer
and as long as I live. By the
way, those verses, they are not in your
note.
Swatun will notice that,
Roman.
Okay?
That he says,
Isa alaihis salam,
he telling the people what his
duty
is and tell them what kind of character
he has. He said,
He said, I am the servant of Allah.
He gave me the book.
And he made me been blessed or blessed
me, whatever it may be.
He ordered me to pray
was was Zakah and to pay charity
or alms given.
As long as I live.
And he made me kind to my
mother,
taking being able to take care of my
mother.
And Allah did not make me Jabbar, a
person who,
been harsh.
And shakiyah, a person who been deprived from
the mercy of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.
Therefore, as you see
here, even Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala praising prophets
by the characteristic of being kind to their
parents.
And Allah also says in Quran,
we have taken the oath and the pledge
from the children of Israel.
Worship Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala.
And be kind to your parents.
And be kind to their kinship,
your relative, your family.
The orphans.
The needy.
And speak righteous and nice to people.
And establish prayer and,
pay or establish
almsgiving or charity.
And many of you have turned their back
except few of or a few among you.
Therefore, Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
saying in this ayat
that he took a pledge, an oath
from the children of Israel
to worship the number of Allah
Immediately,
even before
and be kind to your parents.
And no matter how
prob how much problem we have with our
parents,
If you are married,
you have children or about to have children,
you're gonna be a parent. Therefore, you want
your children to treat you with kindness.
Therefore,
we'll come to appreciate these verses twice.
One time when you are the children of
someone, on time that when you are the
parent of someone.
Then Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says another ayah,
on worship none but Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
and be kind to your parents.
Then Allah list the,
the other level of relationship
or with your kinship
and the,
the orphan,
the needy,
and the the the
neighbor that is relative to
you. And your next neighbor.
And the person is warfare who passed by
and and and traveling a traveling person.
And those who, possess of your right hand.
Allah
put all of this,
in order.
Therefore, there's a great emphasis in Islam
and this
relationship with parents. Why?
The collapse in family structures
take place
when there is no any kind of connection
between children and their parents,
And there is no any kind of respect
between children and parents. And that's how this
structures
of family collapse. Therefore, it is important for
us
today as Muslims,
so to set up the model, the examples
for others
of the way that how we treat our
own parents.
Whether they're alive and even if they have
passed away, there are certain things I'm gonna
mention how we can,
maintain a good relationship with them even after
they have died. Therefore,
says, Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala all got to
worship him alone and he connected,
being kind to our parents with worshiping him.
Subhanahu wa ta'ala.
Also,
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
consider being grateful to him
as
being grateful to the parents.
He says,
be grateful to me and to your parents.
And to me as a return, I said
that before, why?
If a person does not recognize what their
parents have done for them
and appreciate anything,
a child will say to his parents, you
have done nothing for me, especially to the
mother.
I said, exactly, before you open your mouth,
you should not ever say that.
You know, you might be angry with your
mother, disagree with your mother, but you cannot
say that you have not done any good
for me.
The fact that somebody cleared you for 9
months,
they have done something for you.
The fact that they went to a pen
of delivery, they have done something for you.
The time that they have really
cleaned all the mess after you, they have
done something for you. Therefore, we should not
be arrogant,
and tell someone have nothing. And that's why
said, said no one will be be able
to be grateful to Allah if that he
or she not being grateful to people.
Therefore, a a person will deny people anything
that have done any good they have done,
they are not being grateful.
You know the verses here.
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
describe
why you should be kind to your parents.
And he mentioned,
especially when he comes to talk about the
mother,
he said because his mother
have
carried him with this hardship and difficulties.
Brothers,
have you tried to
get like, £5,
anything £5 and tied to your stomach,
and try to
drive the car with it, and eat, and
sleep,
and kind of things, and try to move
in your bed those £9 things in your
stomach. Have you tried that?
Try it for 2 days, 3 days, you
come to appreciate what your mother have done
for you.
Because we don't like realize how much,
we need to appreciate that,
of the
of what your our mothers have done for
us.
And
His mother carried him in hardship and delivered
him in hardship.
And
the the hamil
and
the and the time that wean the child
is 30 months.
30
months. Who knows what is the Imam Ali,
analogy when a lady came and she get
she deliver child in 6 months,
and her husband said, this this is not
my child.
And, our our
question, the lady and Ali ibn Talib said,
this is possible.
What what happened? You know?
How what analogy what what analogy Imam Ali
said that this could happen?
Do you know? What what did he say?
Just to give you a tip here
to look to the Quran deeply.
And 30 months
of pregnancy
and delivering the child, and and and nursing
the child
breastfeeding the child, I mean.
And the Quran says
and he says in other
he said
And
breastfeeding mother should breastfeed their children for how
much?
2 years.
And we have business people here at 2
24 months minus
30 months,
6 months. And he said
Imam Ali said to,
said this is possible.
And
said, I wish not to live in any
city because Ali is not in it.
Yeah. But the fact that Quran talks about
this,
2 years
of being breastfed, the child, by the mother,
and the 9 months of carrying the child.
And yet, we ask ourselves what kind of
relationship with our mothers.
Are we paying them enough or what they
have done for us?
Are we being grateful for what someone have
done for us? Or he might sometime are
arrogant
We think that started
where we are, and we come to life
the way we are.
Every time that I think a child,
any one of us,
they've been angry with their parents,
you have to remember that there's a great
deal one, 2, 3, just raising us
and brought us where we are.
When a when a child has a fever,
their parents stay up night, The father get
worried. The mother get worried, and and the
tension went to the house because a child
is sick.
And yet when the child grow up a
little bit and become 14, 15, 16,
and I speak to the young people, I
know we have very good people here at
the Adams, Your Youth. But just a reminder
that sometimes we think that,
you know,
disrespecting the parents is is fine.
Well, we have to be careful of that.
And the
Quran al Karim also,
in in,
explaining it.
A man said to Rasool Allahu alaihi wa
sallam, what's the best best deeds?
It the best action I can do.
Rasoolallahahu alaihi wa sallam said,
pray on time.
Salalahu akhtiha.
And he said, what next?
He didn't say zakah,
Said be kind to your parents.
Salah
and being kind to your parents.
Before it is important for us, if we
have a problem with our parents, it's enough
time to work on it. And I'm gonna
tell you, inshallah, some tips to how to
do that.
The way that we talk to our parents
sometime we talk to our parents has to
talk to our peer. Don't we? I don't
like that. You know? Or or give your
parents your back or say, what do you
think? What this is not my this is
not wise. You don't think? I see some
people talk to their parents like that. Don't
you think? Don't do
this. Don't no matter what. You know Ibrahim
alaihi salaam? His father was Kafir.
Look to what he said.
Oh, my dear father, don't
worship shaitan.
And he talking to my dear father. Yeah
Abati, Yeah Abati, Yeah Abati.
And the father was making idols.
But we have to be careful of how
we talk.
Quran Kareem said,
Don't say,
oof, like that.
And don't curse them or shout at them.
Say, cut out my face, god.
Lies
things.
Because this holocaust Muslim, this is the the
moral conduct of our believers,
that to humble themselves and to be grateful
to the parents.
Sometimes
because we think that we have more,
education.
Maybe
your parents have a bachelor and now we
started having PhD.
That means our parents don't know that much
or disrespecting them or even our attitude
toward them, the way that we look at
them, the way that we talk to them,
we said that I'm located more than you.
I know more than more than you do.
And a person become even shameful of their
parents because sometimes he become associated with social
status. I have seen people
that would ask their parents, I have some
guests coming. Please don't come with us, you
know, become shameful.
They don't like people to see their parents
because maybe their parents are not the same
level.
If a person does this,
Allah
will let them in this life before the
life to come.
Take it from me.
We'll take this because this fake
honoring and dishonoring the the parents, a person
want to elevate themselves above their parents,
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
will humiliate them. Therefore, a person should not
ever
be shameful
of
you know, if their parents have different social
status, now he makes some money.
Now or he think that he's educated.
His parents don't speak fluent English.
You know? Therefore, you are shameful. You don't
like to introduce them to your classmates
in the school
because my parents, you know, and
or I'm gonna speak now to 2nd generation
Muslim, 1st generation Muslim in America.
They think that because their parents come from
overseas, call them migrant Muslims.
Their parents know nothing,
and they will know it all, very annoyed
with their parents. You should not do that.
That attitude is not acceptable.
But
Islam
encourage communication between parents and children. We'll speak
about the culture, and one of the system
make me a very good point I'm making
here, that sometimes the culture clashes.
How we can maintain that? And how from
the Quranic perspective,
the sunnah of Rasoolha SAWA can address the
issue where there's a misunderstanding
because the environment the children grow up in,
and what the parents need to do to
understand where the children come from.
Because they don't exist in the same culture
and the same environment. They they got environment
and the culture they come from. Therefore, it
is important for us not to think because
we have some education
and and and and and we we come
having some degrees or have some money
that we look down to,
our our parents.
The other things that our, Imam, Qutobi said,
and here, Allah
by the way, he's using this ayah,
and out of kindness, they were to them
the wink of humility.
And say, my lord, bestow on them the
mercy even as they,
they cherish me in my childhood.
Say, oh, Allah bestowed your mercy upon them
as they have been kind to me when
I was little.
Lower the wing.
You know what that is? Because sometime when
you I'm very interested in the Quran. Janaah.
You why you know what Quran say Janaah?
Quran drawing analogy here. What happened, sister Afifa,
your
school teacher, that a bird small birds,
the the the mother feed the children,
the the birds, small birds, until the birds
what?
Have their own wings to fly.
The minute that the the bird
fly, that doesn't mean that the mother is
not good, because now I have my own
wings. But the the minute you are in
need, they you are they're good friends as
long as they pay the bills.
The minute that I pay my own bills,
you know, out of the door,
you're not good.
See you next year.
That's not good. That's why Quran said,
humble the wing of humility.
Don't think that you can fly now and
don't forget about your own plans.
Because
because of them,
that you you were fit and had your
wing become strong.
The degree you have,
the physical even the body that you have,
they have done a lot to make who
you are.
Therefore, this is very important,
for us to think of it.
A person has to be kind to their
parents even if they disagree in principle of
faith, belief.
If the parents are Catholics,
I'm using now the word that, people said
my pants. I hear so many people. I
I it just disturb me.
Brother, my parents kafir parents. I have kafir
parents. I said, brother,
you know, said my parents, you know, they're
not Muslims
and so forth. Be
you know,
because the way they talk about their parents
like nothing, trash.
I said, don't do that.
Even if parents having this, you know, they
ask the child and they persist. They went
after the child to change the principle of
their faith, say, don't wear
hijab,
or, you know,
don't go to Masjid too much or don't
pray 5 times a day.
Parents asking the child to do something that
is dis
disobey Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala.
The child should not
disrespect the parents
still. Disagree with them, say, parents,
my father, my mother,
prayer, I'm not gonna give a prayer,
But still I'm gonna be kind to you.
If they insist and persist, have you to
commit shirk?
Don't obey them.
Stop here?
No.
And be kind to them in this dunya.
Yet
Quran says, they ask you that, be kind
to them. You know what,
Abu Sufyan
ibn Haruf,
his daughter married to whom?
To Rasulullah alaihi wa sallam. The daughter was
Muslim, the father was not Muslim, the mother
was not Muslim.
The mother came to visit her.
She said, you Rasool Allah, my mother come
to see me. What should I do? He
said, be kind to your mother.
Welcome your mother to your home.
And, unfortunately,
unfortunately,
some people in America, they're standing in the
member,
speaking to people revert to Islam in this
country, and tell them part of wallah and
bara,
which is
misconception
and misunderstanding.
Don't greet non Muslims.
Don't be nice to them. Even if it's
your parents, cut them off. And alhamdulillah, it
happened one of the brother went to a
masjid
and speaking to a masjid of how people
revert to Islam?
He said to them, like, and he asked
them to create make war in their house
when they arrive at the masjid. Go and
kick your parents out. Don't talk to them.
But alhamdulillah, he did not finish the Khuba
because kick they kick him out during the
Khuba.
But the
nonsense. It's not good.
You cannot
wage war in people homes.
You cannot do that. And not acceptable.
And the and people should reject that, should
refuse that, should not accept this kind of
teaching
of person want people to fight their own
families
to,
not to be kind to them.
And you know the verse there?
Also take care of your parents in their
old age.
Unfortunately,
it is becoming a custom in America
that is if they are too old,
you are too busy to take care of
them.
You have to put them in a place
where we cannot don't have to see them
and send them a card once a year
for the mother,
Mother's Day and Father's Day.
You know, I used to live in an
apartment building in Maryland across the street from
a nursing home,
and they they put something in our boxes.
They said that across the street, nursing home,
they're asking for people,
you know, to come to adopt
an elderly person to be able to talk
to them. Of course, they screen you,
what's called security clearance before they have you
to to be able to talk to those
people, and it's it's good so that no
one take advantage of those elderly
people. We go there, and I get,
I I
yeah. And it happened that I become,
connected with this old lady,
and, subhanallah,
she will if I missed the call, if
I didn't call her, and I said I'm
gonna call you every Tuesday and every Wednesday.
I late half an hour,
I pick up she pick up the phone.
She said, where are you? Just like I'm
her own son. Like, it's screaming at me.
Where are you? What have what happened to
you?
And it happened I come to know that
her children live other in other states.
And they send her, like, Christmas cards once
in a while and other things like that.
She said, all I need from them is
somebody just talk to me on the phone.
Somebody to make to make me,
a feeling of alive. You know, still I'm
alive.
I'm not dead yet. I want that connection.
And it's really,
something that make your heart soften your heart
that there's so many elderly people who have
been neglected
today
and feel lonely
because the children
have not taken care of them, and children
have not spoke to them for years, or
they have not
seen them.
Therefore, it's important for us when they all
age, they become the most in need of
us.
It's not it's time to not leave them
alone. It's time to spend more time with
them and to help them.
Also,
be even kind to the the friends of
your friends. People are gonna say, brother, Maji,
you're going too far.
If I don't like my parents' friends, why
should I be kind to them?
We're asking you not to be mean. We
don't ask you to become their friend.
You know, what we're saying here that I
have seen so many people,
they disrespect
their parents
in social gathering,
among their peer. They don't give them the
respect that they deserve, or they mistreated their
peers, the peer of their parents.
And that's also not acceptable.
And look to what
He saw a bad one.
Then he saw him and was cheerful, said,
and then he took his turban and put
it in the man head. The man is
a poor guy, and Abdul Jabbar used to
be well dressed, by the way. He used
to be very handsome man. He put his
his turban in the man head,
and he said, come and ride in my
donkey. He took him from there and put
him in the his donkey. And somebody said,
yeah,
you have been too much too much.
Look, I have give like some food or
something like that. But in Al Badu, this
bad one.
They like the little things. They they be
satisfied with it. What you turban and put
him on your donkey? Yeah. You did too
much. They weren't telling him.
Of course, you know, even during the
Sahaba, some people think that way. He said
to him,
you know who this guy is? He said,
no. He said, this man, his father used
to be a friend of my father,
and that's why I'm just treating him this
way because his father my father used to
like his father.
That how how he be his bill
of his father went beyond
just being kind to his kinship,
to halal, which is, you know,
on mother's side or the amma, his
father's side, sister,
went beyond that even to the friends.
There's something here I'm gonna say very important.
Sometimes,
children
get into this politics
or be between the 2 parents.
For example, someone will say his father abusing
his mother
or vice versa.
Instead of telling the one of the parents
nicely, I I think this is wrong, what
you're doing, deciding doing what deciding one side
against the other side.
And it is important that to help our
own parents
to maintain justice, especially when you are grown
when you are, you know, grown children, we'll
be able to influence that.
And, also,
that
no matter
what wrong they have done, we cannot cut
the relationship.
Still, we have to maintain the relationship with
them and the relationship of kindness.
If your parents have passed away,
we need to make dua for them
because it's our connection, special connection is beyond
the physical
life here,
and something very interesting in the Quran.
Say, a ratche's parent enter Jannah.
The son enter Jannah,
the son in the,
or the daughter.
The daughter in lower level,
the mother in higher level.
The mother said, I would like to have
my
child, oh, halla, with me. I'm the mother
here in the high level. I want my
children to come with me. Allah subhanahu wa
ta'ala will grant that. That's guaranteed. You know,
they said airline been upgraded.
You've been if your parents
if your parents
intergender
intergener with them, if anyone of you in
different level will be upgraded automatically
upon the request.
A person will say, oh, Allah,
my father in the lower heaven of Jannah,
lower heaven lower level of Jannah, all I
bring to high level because I made it,
in the high level. Allah have them join
together. And this is a verse in Quran.
And those who believe and the children follow
them in this for the steps of being
believer,
Allah subhanahu wa'ala will have them join together.
It's called it's called Imagine This,
family reunion
in paradise.
What a celebration. Having family reunion in Jannah.
May Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, help all of
you enjoy that, inshallah.
Family reunion in paradise.
Somebody,
I'm gonna open it for questions.
Give me just a few minutes.
There's something that we want to ask during
this thing. No. It's a problem. Okay.
Teaching of Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam regarding,
our
parents.
The
he as I mentioned earlier,
a man says what is the best after
order priority. He said pray on time,
be kind to your friends, and struggle for
the sake of Allah or making judging cause
of Allah.
A a man,
come to ask Rasool Allah alaihi sallam.
He said, my parent have died.
What can I do for them?
Rasulullah said,
pray for them, make stilfar,
ask Allah forgiveness for them,
fulfill any promise they have made before they
die and they couldn't fulfill.
Make it in their behalf. Whether they made
promise to make Hajj or they they made
a pledge
to Adam's center.
You know? Take those pledge and come to
ask them what kind of pledge my parents
made. I'm gonna take their pledges. You know?
Fulfill your the pledge and promises.
And, also,
he said visit the relatives,
your relatives, your kinship. He said, in order
for you to maintain
the the righteousness,
and build
a kindness of your parents,
visit
your kinship.
You know, continue visiting your kinship. Of course,
there's another
section in relationship of Silat Ar Rahim, being
kind to kinship.
Be generous and honor their friends.
You know something?
The moral contact of Rasool Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam,
he set up an example that is so
high like a star in the in on
on the sky there. You look at it
and you whenever you see it, you can
be guided with it.
Khadija
had died.
Rasulullah
felt very sad about her death.
But the
love of Khadija
is being shown in so many many
times when he talk about her. They say
when he used to talk about Khadija
his eyes light up,
salallahu alaihi wa sallam. But there's something very
interesting.
Al As Salazar will be sitting and somebody
will knock the door. From the knocking of
the door, he will say,
this is the knock of a friend of
Khadija.
The prophet will get up and welcome the
friend of Khadija
And not only that, he will go and
get a a sheep
and slaughter it and
cut the meats to pieces and so forth,
and he went by himself.
He knocked the door
of all the friends of Khadija. Those women
who used to come and socialize in Khadija
home,
go and visit them, each one and give
them meat.
They say if he did that to Khadija,
the ulama had driven from this, be kind
to the
friends
and of of your, of your father. You
know why?
You know, one of the ulama told me
in Sudan, imagine every time that you visit
a friend of your father, say, assalamu alaikum,
I'm son of so and so. He used
to be your friend.
The first thing they say what?
My life is so you mess up on
your mother. My life is so you mess
up on your father. Immediately,
they make dua
because you remind them your action itself make
a person think positively of your parents
and have them make dua for us.
And
the r'udama
break it down for us. They say
take mother,
high priority
in the relationship because of the hardship she
went through, and then it come to the
father in a minute.
One of the companions
asked to be given permission
to be with the rasul as salam to
in defending Medina.
Rasulullah asked him, is your mother alive?
The man replied,
yes. She is.
Rasulullah sallallahu alaihi wa sallam
say go and be there under her foot
because under her foot is Jannah.
He said just be there, sit near her
foot, in the under that foot, you're gonna
see Jannah there.
Rasulullah alaihi salam also,
he talked about the this very interesting hadith.
A man by name, Oweis
ibni
Amir.
Oweis ibn Amir is man from Yemen.
Have
not seen this person.
His name
who? Waiz ibn Amer.
Rasool salallahu alaihi wa sallam said a man
from Yemen,
his name Waiz ibn Amer,
will come to you,
and he has this baras,
and I think we translate it. I now
forget the word. I looked at the to
see what baras is.
Lepacy. Lepacy.
And he said, and Allah cured him from
it except
a place of a ring,
like to be a mark
because he was kind to his mother.
Whenever you see this man, ask him to
make dua for you.
Then the man came during Omar Mukhatab time.
And Umar Muhatab
asked him,
are you Owais ibn Aamer?
He said, yes. Are you from Yemen?
Said, I yes. Are you the one who
have this skin disease? Yes. Are you the
one who everything been cured except this ring?
A place of a ring in his body?
He said yes. Used to have a mother
that you be kind to her? Yes. He
said, please ask Allah to forgive me and
make dua for me.
Me. K?
You see,
got to recognize this man,
although he have not seen him
because of his relationship with his mother.
As Nabi Tabakar also asked Raul alaihi wa
sallam regarding her mother. Should oh, rasoolallah, my
mother asked me to be kind to her.
What should I do? And
said be kind to her, and they said
her mother was not Muslim, so most scholars
said. And,
and and some scholars said she had a
tension relationship, tension between her and her mother,
and the prophet asked her to maintain a
good relationship with her.
The most famous hadith
is the hadith when a man asked Rasool
alaihi wa sallam who the best person I
should should be in the company of. He
said your mother. He said who else? He
said your mother. See who else? Your mother.
And then finally he said your father.
Before rasulullah
put this emphasis
in the relationship
of mother and then also as well as
father.
Allah
of course, as I told you that mention
why the mother is important because of the
hardship they go through.
The relationship with father, and I've said in
America, I said fatherhood
initiative.
And by the way,
respecting your father
is something that I'm troubled with in American
media.
You remember what I said last time? There
was a study done. Study done? What happened
in the study? Television shows the father figure
is often ridiculed
and made fun the source of jokes.
Yes.
Most of the comedy and so forth, the
father figure and this might be made by
the organization of Fatherhood Initiative
that the father always making fun of
in in comedy shows
that is something that is
is is is not wise and so forth,
and that's not acceptable.
Rasulullah said, be kind to your fathers, your
children will be kind to you.
And Rasulullah also said, maintain kindness in your
relationship with your father. Otherwise, Allah subhanahu wa
ta'ala take
that you will not be guided. Therefore, you
have to be connected,
to and being kind to them.
Also said be kind to your parents and
Allah would be kind to you.
That is if a person be kind to
their parents, Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala will show
them kindness.
He said, and do not displease your parents
so that Allah will become displeased with you.
Think to help us. What are these are
the principles. Let me give you practical tips.
First, we have always to have in mind
what our parents went through
to make
who,
to help us to be who we are
today.
The hardship the mother went through, the father
And remember the treatment of our parents will
influence
how your child children will treat you.
The way that we treat our parents
is the influence our children will treat us.
If the children see that with the speaker
disrespect
our own parents, then Allah
is Adi. He's just will compensate us by
how our own children mistreated us.
What is important?
Be kind to your parents, and your children
be kind to you.
What goes around comes around.
Children who have reached adulthood
and the parents have
and the parents have to learn to understand
each other.
What meant by this? That is if the
children
each reach the age of,
teens
or become adults in Islam, they don't consider
them children anymore.
Their parents and the children have to be
able to have open communication to talk about
what that young man going through, what that
young woman going through, and to be able
to communicate,
to have a line of communications.
Therefore, we should always,
have an open,
communications.
And I would like to tell my young
brothers and sisters here,
always trust your parents of talking to them,
and but I'm asking the parents also to
be open mind and to build a trust
where you have the children can be able
to come and tell them what's going on.
If the child make their parents their best
friend,
and the parents will open mind
to say to their children, come to me
with your problems.
No matter how bad they are, I'm I'm
not gonna take it personal, because what happened
that that most of the time, their parents
take it personal.
Said, how come you did this?
You disobeyed me, and they take it personal
against the child. Sometimes we forget the child
is a child.
You know, I'm talking about young children, the
English children.
Therefore, we need to not to take it
personal and to have a line of communication
open with them. And that's why
in America, they said that many children,
they hide troubles from their parents
because they fear of the overreaction
of the parents.
Therefore, they keep hiding the problem until the
problem gets a bloat. Therefore, it is important
for us
to maintain good relationship with our children and
our children to maintain good relationship with us
in line of communication.
One of the problem we have,
life is busy. Isn't it?
Who is is
all of us who are parents at life,
whose parent passed away?
And I have my both parents
passed away.
K?
Quality time
spent with them whether alive
or were dead.
And believe me,
when a parents goes away,
a person will think how much time that
I wish I have spent for them.
You know, how much I was not giving
them quality time. And sometime, we think about
the person after they're gone,
but we can do quality time by making
dua,
supplications.
We have to remember in our salah, it
has to be a time located during salah
to our parents for dua.
Don't make all dua to ourself.
After salah
in Hajjut,
you have to have time to meet the
parents there's nothing you can give your parents
as a gift
more than the gift of akhirah. Gift of
duniya goes away. You give them a shirt,
they wear it, and it's gone. The gift
of akhirah, they get the dua and it's
it is
deposit in everlasting,
benefit.
Therefore, they need it more than anyone else.
Therefore, we need
when they're alive, they spend quality time.
And that's why I'm gonna give a recommendation,
Asha'allah, as you see here,
that sometimes
a person should put in the pan pilot,
you
know, time talking to my mother.
Although you see them everyday, but you say,
I'm gonna just have quality time with no
distraction. No Internet.
No answering the phone. I'm just gonna I
spend some time with my father, with my
mother,
And that has really established us good connection
between us and our parents. And this is
my advice
to our young people. Make sure they have
that quality time been spent,
with them.
Sometimes,
we
do not give our parents
an impression that is still we need of
them in advice.
The father said, son, everything is going fine.
How is your work? My work is fine.
How is school? School is fine.
Everything is fine. And the parent says, how
come this son does not talk to me?
How this daughter does not talk to me?
You know, I you know how much believe
me, if your parents are alive, pick up
the phone and call them. If you are
an Arab and says,
father,
mother, I want if even if you are
a man or a woman have your own
children, pick up the phone if they are
not here and call them, say, I need
your advice in this. You know what happened?
The you cannot if we if we can
picture the emotion instead of that person, if
we you can picture them jumping.
Like, wow.
You know? I'm still important.
I'm still immediate.
You know? And that what what is important
is that to have a person and that's
why Abdullah ibn Umar
used
to Umar al Khattab, very wise man. It's
khalifa of of of of Munid.
He doesn't need any he doesn't have any
problem with self esteem.
But when Abdulwa ibn Umar come to him
and ask him questions about things,
he light up and said,
oh, my son. This oh, that's what I
think. That's what because he feel that somebody
come to him with advice.
You know, Asma'bib Abu Bakr
was an old lady, lost her sight.
Her son, Abdulla ibn Zubayr,
he first this hardship fighting in Mecca.
He went to whom? He went to his
mother. He says, mother,
I'm really I feel like I need to
run away. I cannot do this. She said,
why, son?
Why don't you stand up and defend yourself
and defend the city, Mecca? Said, oh, mother,
I I think that if I fight,
those people, after I die, they're gonna start
making the kolmusla,
make mark in my body, gonna cut my
nose, and they're gonna play with my body.
What
I
said, he said, son, it stands for what
is right.
What will happen to any sheep
after being
slaughtered
if they do anything to his skin.
Don't worry about it. They stand for with
you.
And imagine this mother, she was
blind. Hajjid Yousuf hanged her son in the
area of Kaaba,
and she said,
show me where is my son is. They
said they brought her near. His body is
hanging. He said they say it is it
is here.
He said it's about time
this night, this
this courageous man
to be stepped down,
to be put down. In that, it's time
to bury him.
Don't do
that.
She
give that to Sophia,
the the the aunt of Rasool al
Salam, she give she used
to advise her son,
as vermunu awam, who was a very wise
man
in the difficult time. He used to come
back to his mother.
And that's what you need to do that
to feel that connection.
And by the way,
there's attitude sometimes
parents are not important,
and don't get effect by the culture, popular
culture, where the parents are not important, the
gang is important, the colleague is important, the
work is important, nothing is everything is more
important than them. Muslims should not do that.
It's not what Islam teaches us.
As you approach,
marriage,
don't give them the impression that you can't
wait to get away from them.
Sometimes the parents you know what? The parents
sometimes don't let go
in marriage
because they see the son say,
ah, I cannot wait. And and the mother
all of a sudden feel jealous, naturally jealous,
he said. What's wrong? She he loves her
more than he loves me. And that's why
the competition is. Sometimes, this struggle, you know,
this power thing, because the child was overexcited.
You need to secure the psychological and emotional
things.
And that's how war the war started with
the mother and the daughter-in-law
because of that, you know, hidden competition.
Am I am I am I wrong?
No.
I do counseling every day, missus Cheet, and
I know that. Therefore,
it is that competition sometime between the mother
and the
and the same things for the daughter
or the son
toward their their parents. And it is that
a person should not give impression
that his you know,
now is about time that to be divorced
from parent.
The if you feel your parents have wronged
you or someone else, it's better to advise
them and let them know that you feel
how you feel rather than keeping it inside.
Sometimes,
a
a a child
feel being rocked by their parents,
and they keep it inside,
and they start hating their parents.
We encourage in counseling
communications
and we encourage their parents, which is advice
to the parents. I'm gonna come to the
parents in in a minute. The parents should
always have open heart.
If somebody
tell them
nicely that I think that this is wrong,
I think you should not have done this
and so forth. Parents have to be merciful
and kind to listen to what their children
they're asking.
Now come to the in laws.
I'm gonna tell you something that
it is
not wise
not to strike a balance
between the your duty. I'm talking to the
male now here. Between your duty to your
wife and your duty to your mothers.
Sometimes people go too much
to the mothers and mistreat the wife
or go too much toward the wife and
mistreat the mother.
And the wise person who fulfill his or
her obligation to their parents
and fulfill their obligation towards the spouse,
striking the balance.
Give everyone their rights,
but don't violate someone rights in the in
in the expense of the other person rights.
That is clear? Before
because I see a lot of tension
in that regard, by the way.
And sometimes,
the parents might
wrong the spouse.
A person should tell their parents not to
wrong their own spouse
because
that will affect the parents.
If my mother,
he pleases her soul,
would have wronged my wife,
commit injustice toward her, mistreated her, I will
speak kindly to my mother and said my
mother, this will affect your You'll be committing
injustice towards her
because Allah will gonna ask him the judgment
about this. Not to say to my wife,
no matter how much injustice committed toward you,
let her committed because I have to save
my mother as well, because Allah would ask
my mother about how she treated my wife.
Therefore, a person,
have to have that in mind.
The advice to parents.
Now we talked about children
to other parents.
It is important
that to remember,
we
we making the parents of tomorrow,
our children, they are parents of tomorrow, and
they are the husband and wife of tomorrow,
and the leaders of the society of tomorrow
tomorrow leaders,
we have to make our best ability of
raising them resident Muslims.
And sometimes we don't take priority in that.
We have to give them Islamic schooling,
Islamic teaching.
We have to make the environment in the
home as Islamic environment.
We have to create an environment where the
children can be attached to the Masjid
and attached to Muslim Ummah. Therefore, it's our
responsibility
as parents
to do that if we're expecting them to
make dua for us
after we die.
We have to fulfill
responsibility toward them.
A man come
to and said, oh, Omar, this son,
his heart is disobedience.
No good.
And our heart attack said to him,
how come you mistreating your father? He said,
yes, I may have wronged my father,
but my father have wronged me many times.
He said, how? He said, isn't Islam said
my father have to teach me how to
pray? He said, yes. He said, my father
never did that. He said, Islam said, my
father had to teach some of the Quran.
He said, yes. He said, my father never
did that. He said, Islam said that my
father had to give me a a good
name. He said, yes. He said, my father
gave you the worst name. Everyone making fun
of me.
I know what Omar said?
You wronged your child before your child have
wronged you. Uh-huh.
Before we need to
have that in mind because sometimes we think
there's always there's one way street.
As, you know, parents, children, but our parents
the parents have responses towards the children as
well.
Sometimes,
when you feel our parents, we abuse our
authority. Don't we?
This authority of
whatever I say goes.
You know? As if child have no emotions,
and therefore
was kind man. You know, his relationship was
was Fatima with Allahu Anha?
Every time he come from a trip,
the first first person visit,
not his own house even, his house of
Fatima, and he will kiss her on her
forehead.
First thing he would do,
he was so loving father,
his children like Fatima
she was so attached to to her father
to the way that when he died,
and he was buried,
Fatima
saw the Sahaba coming.
He said,
did you bury prophet Rasulullah?
The messenger of father said yes. He said,
did you put dust on him? They said
yes. He said, how could you do that?
She couldn't imagine, said, although death is death,
they said,
is is your is it was is this
okay for you, Moshe, psychology put dust on
face?
And he said poetry.
She said,
He said, those people
whom I used to live under shade, they're
not here anymore,
and I left with no shade.
Talking to her father.
You know, father mother, the love of Anhul
was dying.
He called her.
He whisper in her ear.
See how close she is, she's a father
and and a daughter have? He whisper in
her ear,
She cried.
And he called her back and whispered her
ear, and she smiled.
Aisha asked her, when Sasser was alive, she
said, what did he say to you? Said,
no, I cannot tell you.
I cannot tell you now. When was passed
away, she said, when he called me the
first time,
he told me he think he's
he would die in this sickness.
Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam. Allah will take his
soul.
I cried.
Then he called me again, and he said,
you'll be the first person of my family
join me.
She smiled.
Somebody tell me you're gonna die, you smiled.
That's how much she loved him. She want
to be with him. And she
died 6 months after Rasul,
And she was first person
from his
family
to die after him. SAW.
Therefore, that's how he had this kindness.
Not only that, look to the kindness of
Rasool Allahu alaihi wa sallam. Rasool Allahu alaihi
wa sallam will give Khutba. And Arabs will
not have a member, therefore, I cannot do
that with my children. Otherwise, he would even
complain in that children in the masjid, unfortunately.
But was given Khutbah in the member. Hasan
al Hasin came.
Rasulullah stepped from the member. This authentic hadith
for those who would like to ask me,
you know, I didn't make up this. He
went down,
Rasa Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam, he went down from
the mibbar.
He took Hassan and Hassan like this. He
brought them back and sat him with him.
He said to them,
subhanallah
of the love of children.
I couldn't help it seeing those 2 children
coming, me to step from the mumbo and
to carry them and continue his speech.
You know the famous hadith?
Came,
kissed
him. A bad one, a tough man,
a real father.
He said,
you kiss your children?
He said, yes. He said, I have 10
sons.
I have never kissed any one of them.
I have to be tough. I have to
give them authority, like you're there. I'm here.
The father
said, how come you there's no mercy in
your heart? There's no rahmah?
And that's why when
he
lost Ibrahim,
alayhi.
Rasulullah sallam cried
when he carried Ibrahim al,
in his hand,
his son,
he cried.
I was a have a look at him
so that he'll come from his eyes, said,
even who you're also Allah crying?
And
he, why is that?
Death is haqq.
He said, this is the rahmah Allah put
in the heart
of people,
and the tears
express it. And he said,
And verily, oh, Ibrahim, for having us to
be away from you, we feast deeply sad,
saddened by that.
But we say nothing but what that pleasing
to Allah.
That is the that's how Rasulullah
gave that
all love
to his children,
and he treated them with that kindness
and his grandchildren.
And that is the sunnah of Rasool salaam
of for all of us how to deal
with our own children.
Therefore, a person should not abuse that authority
because it's a trust by Allah Subhanahu Wa
Ta'ala
given to the parents.
And sometimes the parents become difficult.
Anything they want to complicate the children life
because they want to tell them, I I
have the authority. I have nothing. I'm I'm
the father. I'm the mother. Therefore, it is
not acceptable.
Many times
that we forget Abdi
is is it Maghreb time? I think so.
I didn't I didn't hear a then, though.
We didn't hear you. Why didn't you stop
me brothers
and sisters?
SubhanAllah.
Now I'm in the I'm in the third
point,
which is I would like to emphasize on
this.
Because this was the cause of problem in
America
between parents
and first generation Muslims,
Americans.
Meaning, that children were born
to parents
who are immigrants.
Or sometimes,
is that even the if the children and
Muslim parents are not Muslims.
Sometimes there's tension there.
And the problem with this,
that the children
have
experience
or experience new
world,
then the parents did.
You know,
if you ask someone
very old like myself
this is a joke, by the way.
What did you do on your teams?
What kind of environment do you have?
I can assure you I'm old enough.
In my time there was no Internet
when I was a teen.
And there was no cell phone.
How can you assure that?
And I would like to tell you that
I have no experience whatsoever
with Hollywood.
It happened that I didn't used to go
to movie myself, but I didn't have experience
with it.
What they call it,
sub opera?
Sub
opera. Sub opera. I didn't have experience with
that.
Jerry Fellows, what's his name? Jerry.
No. Jerry something Jerry Springer and so forth.
I have not seen those when I was
teens.
K?
Or Reki something.
I was hearing this lady. Was her name,
very tough, Jewish lady on on the radio.
What her name, is a counselor.
Doctor Laura.
She said that don't you don't have your
children to listen to this trash. It's called
trash.
Springer and and so those kind of people.
And very interesting,
I heard on the radio.
And my wife said, don't ever quote that,
but I'm gonna do that.
You know, it's called it's because it's a
disopinion here. But the
the lady, her name Madonna,
she said
on radio,
was interviewed
that she did not allow her children to
watch TV,
her child.
Said because the TV is not good, have
no good effect.
And she's a singer, I think.
Therefore, it is a problem
that we
we do not realize there's a new world.
The other thing is that
the culture
around us, the environment
around us, and sometimes,
referring culture over Islam.
Culture become more important. I want my children
to be more Sudanese
than Muslims. Very important for me to be
Sudanese. They have to eat and
to wear Sudanese robe, but I don't care
about how Islam is but as long they
know Sudanese song, as long they, you know,
they know also any singer, as long they
speak Sudanese dialogue, I didn't care about how
much Quran.
Culture become more important than Islam itself.
Not only that,
sometimes we want
to create a Sudanese country in our house.
The children, the the minute they step in
the house, you live in Sudan. The minute
they step outside, you live in America.
Very confusing,
unfortunately.
And and the culture of Islam been lost.
Islam is not the criteria here.
Therefore, I would like to say very much
to us as a parents
that we have to remember
to teach our children the culture of Islam
and to make them proud being Muslims. But
at the same time, we have to understand
where they come from.
And that require,
which is I'm gonna give some suggestions, specific
suggestions,
to know
the environment
of the surrounding children, to understand where they
come from. The problem is that
we want to
enforce Sudanese culture on the children who are
not pure Sudanese. No matter what what I
wish. If I want them to be be
pure Sudanese,
then let me resume in Sudan.
I will never get pure Sudanese children
in this country.
Forget about it. I know it. I don't
live in illusion.
I'm talking culture wise
Because my children exposed to American culture.
But, I have to teach them Islamic culture.
Islamic teaching.
I want my children to know Islam filtered
from Sudanese culture. They have best opportunity.
They cannot, brother,
You can look to your children in their
eyes and they can tell you that
I don't think this is what Islam teaches.
Are you really do you mean this or
this a Bengali culture or this Pakistani culture?
Are you insisting on this?
Even in the weddings, how want to go
our weddings?
Or everything else, we insist in certain things
that the children disagree with it and we
make it as if is make it or
break it. It's halal haram issues and it's
cultural.
Therefore, it is important. There's a duty of
the parents
to understand
the what their parents their children, I mean,
they come from. The other thing is gap
of generations.
Even if you live in Sudan
or you live in Bangladesh, you live in
Egypt,
there's a gap of generations
that what your children go through in in
schools
is different than what went through. In certain
generation, smoking was a big thing. Now the
issue of drugs is a problem.
You know? Before there's a gap of generations,
you know, and we have to understand that,
as we raise our children.
The other thing is that
our our
we hold so dear to our heart.
That is our expectation based on the culture
environment that we grow up in.
My children has to marry Sudanese.
My children
have to participate in Sudanese functions.
All of them.
That doesn't mean that I should not have
my children be proud of their culture.
Nothing wrong with Allah said,
And and upon my advice on my wife,
and I think it is a very wise
advice, I have to insist speaking Arabic to
my children so they'll be bilingual.
Speaking 2 language.
Let your children know Bengali language. Let them
know Urdu language
because it's good to know other culture language
and the culture of the origin.
It's good to know that,
but I would like to say that some
people
over emphasize on the culture aspect of it,
and they forget the principles of Islam.
It's very important
in order to save our children, all
Others who believe, protect yourself
and your family from a hellfire,
the fuel of it is man in a
stone.
What would protect our my own child from
hellfire if I love my child dearly?
I have to make sure that my child
does not go straight,
And I should not
also,
sometimes will become extra nice
in in in having children go astray.
Some people go to the extremes. I said,
brother, why didn't you teach your children this?
Or sister said, brother, they grow up in
this culture. Therefore, how can I tell them
to pray?
You should tell them to pray. You should
teach your children how to pray.
Don't become overwhelmed saying, okay, there's a detached
there's a distance between me and my children.
I I'm not gonna expect them to pray
because they live in America. I'm not gonna
expect them to fast because they live in
America. Some people as their children to pray
their fast because of physical education.
Basketball become more important than pleasing Allah himself.
This is a problem also.
Is the parents either go to the extreme
in this way or extreme in that way?
This is not acceptable.
Practice Islam as it is.
Or says Islam strike the balance between all
aspect of life. But it is very important
for us to have that in mind
as we deal with our
our children.
In this culture,
children learn to be very much independent.
And my advice to the children,
again,
sometime individualism
over,
overtaken the concept of community and family.
It's me, me, me.
Was it me or my way or a
highway?
I can
sacrifice my parents relationship,
my everyone relationship if it was not centered
around me.
And this self centered
culture
or attitude
is very destructive.
It destroy families,
destroy communities,
and destroy nations.
It create dictatorship.
Also, it is very important for us that
the,
not to be as such.
Okay?
Learning to communicate.
Communication
is not about only language,
symbols. Not about is and was,
but about what the person what what kind
of cultural language that person speak.
For example, the person who doesn't know Internet,
they don't know how it works,
the children can be easily
fell into the trap and troubles and problems,
because
Internet also expose there's so many things that
the Internet is not good as is.
You have to be familiar with the environment.
You have to be familiar with what's going
on here. It's very important.
We have to remember that the children are
the gift of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. Is
Allah grant is the one who grandchildren?
Therefore, we have to treat this gift as
as the best our ability to be
gentle with it.
And many parents, they don't understand that. And
Allah says in Quran,
he created whatever he wish.
He give whomever he wishes female children.
And he give whomever who wish males
something.
Give them male and females.
You find make some people don't have ability
to have children.
For it is a gift from Allah Subhanahu
Wa Ta'ala, and we need to cherish that
gift that Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala has given
us.
Now I'm gonna come to the issue of
marriages.
There's some parents.
They if they don't pick up the wife
or the husband, it's not going to be
a good husband. It has to be picked
by them
before they deny those children
to pick their own spouse,
and to force those children to marry someone
they don't like.
And Rasool Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam have said in
hadith.
A lady come to Rafa Salim, said, you
Rasool Allah, my father married me to his
cousin so that he can elevate his status.
Make better business deal, to look good, he
give me marriage.
Rasulullah said, do you want to separate?
I mean, his spouse said, no, Rasulullah.
I don't want to separate, but I want
to teach other women that their father have
no right to force them to marry someone
they don't like.
Okay?
Or sometime
the
the otherwise,
the the the the mother is just picking
up the the daughter.
But at the same time, so I want
to give advice to the young people.
That as you go and select with a
spouse, don't dismiss
the input of your parents.
Don't disrespect them.
Advise to the parents, don't abuse your authority.
The children don't disrespect your parents and disregard
their input completely.
K? Strike the balance between the 2.
K? Now
we have to fulfill our responsibility to our
children.
We cannot be,
neglectful
of our own children.
And then later and in in America now,
they have this system to track fathers
that they don't
it should not be been even if you
have divorced our our, our our people have
been divorced relationship,
they should not be, go after them with
child support and court to pay to take
care of their own children.
These children should not be used
as something in the middle to play a
game with.
That should not be the case. Children be
used,
as to mono manipulate them
to go against this father or against this
mother. We should not do that. We're not
subject the children to that.
Many, many times, we fell to this we
we fell to respect
our in law's children,
our daughter in law's,
in law, our son-in-law, and
disrespecting them,
feeling that,
you know, they're they have taken our son
away from us, our daughter away from us.
That we have to give them the respect
because they become Musahera.
And that's another you can have to speak
on different session about in laws.
It says, is the Allah who created man
from water and living family and extended family.
And we have to strike a balance between
the in laws relationship, our relationship of our
own.
Very important.
Sometimes,
we want the child to be a doctor,
imposing the goal, our own goal,
on the children. The child said, I love
psychology. Said, no, no, no, no. You have
to be you're born to be a medical
doctor.
I hate medicine. No. You should not hate
medicine. There's no choice but to be a
doctor.
He said I like engineering. No. Engineering is
not for you.
Is you have to be a medical doctor.
Seriously.
And you impose so much on the children,
and the children start feeling, and then I
have still been going through the pressure,
because their parents imposed a major on them
they don't like.
So much pressure
on them.
Therefore, we have to remember,
we have to always,
encourage our children to have high goals.
That's true. But you should not insist it
has to be this
this discipline.
And that's why Imam Ali,
sorry, one of the he
asked his son. He said, oh, my son,
who would like to be like when you
becoming old?
He said, oh, father, I just want to
be like you. You are the my
Isn't that nice? He said, yes, I want
to be like you. You know what the
father said? He said, son, that is wrong.
He said, do you know whom I used
to look up to
when I was young? He said, who are
who are the person? He said, Ali. Ma'am
Ali.
And he he said to Ozan, and you
see the gap between me and Ali.
I'm I'm afraid that you look up to
me and the gap between you and I
become the center of the gap between Hali
and Pesach.
They say in in
in in Isaiah and said, shoot at the
star,
you might reach what? The tower of the
minaret.
We should encourage our children to have their
dreams and their goals,
but we should not emphasize and say, that's
what I want you to be. If you
not become other than that, you are failure.
That's not acceptable. Okay?
The
respect the choice of the I'm talking about
children when they become adult, not the not
not my 4 years old. Although I asked
her sometimes just to treat her, I said,
what which dress you want to wear today?
But all the dress is what
that within the boundaries of Islam. I was
all 4 years old. Yeah. No problem.
Or you give them a choice if if
you know your daughter or your son is
allergic
allergic to milk.
Give them a choice of food, but don't
put milk on it. I said milk is
not a choice because you're allergic to it.
You can teach them those that kind of
things so that you have give them some,
you know,
even respect to teach them how you can
respect their their choices.
As long as the choice is on Islamic
boundaries, you have to tell them there's some
bound, there's circle
that is not included.
Out of choice, and you have to enforce
and and and and to stick to that.
Okay? Now,
after people make choice of marriages,
for example,
husband and wife.
You know how many complaints I get
of of of of,
married people that their in laws interfere in
their life.
There's so many times that the husband, the
wife start calling the mother calling her daughter
said,
well, how he's treating you? I said, you
know, ask him to have give you more
credit card because that's what you need.
I think that you need to have ask
him to have this or the son. Does
she cook you for this rice? No. She
doesn't know how to cook. I asked her
to cook better than that. I I feel
so sorry for you my son. I wish
you are next to me. I can cook
you better fully.
That that kind of
and and the the time the the the
the husband looked to his wife like oh,
the wife looked at her husband,
you're not treating me nice.
They were okay until that call came in.
Okay? Therefore, we have to be careful not
to,
create disturbance
in other, our our children,
life. Now exercise.
I want to really everyone sitting in this
class have a problem with his parents to
make sure that he want to do good
with their parents.
No matter how long they say that
Allah is free. That isn't that shit?
It's still Quran said
be kind to them.
It's more than that.
Somebody committing shirk.
We have to make a decision today
that no matter what
disagreement we have with their parents,
we cannot afford
to cut them off.
And the same times,
parent have wrong children for long time, they
need to
reach out to their own children also.
If your children are adults
from them, reach out to them.
But I want to say
that even if the father or the mother
have neglected their due to their children
for a long time, and then the parents
come around and say, I want to include
you in my life.
In American style, we'll say what? You were
that long in my life. I don't know
you.
You have not
earned
the title of fatherhood,
and that's what I disagree with doctor Laura
in her counseling.
She said, if he was out of your
life, do not even talk to him because
he did not earn fatherhood.
No. Fatherhood and motherhood
is not something that you can divorce a
person from,
even biologically.
If a person not fulfill their duty and
come back and ask him for an apology
and to be reunited,
person should allow them to do so and
that was
something I was brought to my attention. I
want to bring it to you before we
need to maintain that kind of relationship.
But at the same time, I want to
say
that
this fatherhood and motherhood is not about biological
thing. It's not about producing children,
but about raising them,
about being responsible. There there are certain things
called the kins, the blood relationship, it does
not go away.
But in order to have it complete,
that a person have to fulfill their duty
to our children and raising
them.
Let us be the one who initiated.
Initiate
reaching out to our friends. Even if they
say, son don't call here anymore. Daughter don't
hang up on you. He said inshallah we're
gonna call here.
At least they have restriction order,
and they have the what do you call
that? Things about the police?
Protective order.
Unless you're that bad threatening them, but still
you have to reach out and pick up
that phone and call.
And,
you know, in Kuwait, a friend of mine,
his name Jasim Motawa,
he did something very interesting.
He declared one day, he called
wonders
for every mother. And their organization,
they ask you, said, tell us
where we like you to send the rose
to your mother, give us the address, we
send it in your behalf.
One day, that whole
Kuwait, the people mothers getting roses from their
children,
and it changed the environment
because some of them they have not reached
out to their,
parents who they have not good relationship with
them. They start thinking of
it. You know?
They have another day, they saw the kiss
of to the mother, that everyone got to
kiss their mother between their and forehead, between
her eyes,
as something that I want to remind people
of how to be kind to their parents.
Imagine if we,
start doing that ourselves.
Advise parents gently.
If you feel that you know more information
than you do, you more you know more
accounting, no more, financial planning, you know more
about the business, don't make fun of your
parents or belittle them or say they don't
know anything.
You know, in, unfortunately, in our culture, they
use this word adus.
They tell their friends says, to make fun
of the the young people who'll be sitting,
even Sudan and other places I've heard. They
said, oh my
I just mean my my old,
you know,
in
in the
marker, that means, oh, those old people. My
old people doing this to his parents, call
them old people. My old people saying this,
my old people saying that. My old folk.
Folks? We call them? Old folks. Old folks.
And instead of call them parents.
Therefore, we have to be careful that.
The other things that I want to say
in advice
to us as parents,
we need to
sit and to look to other way that
to communicate to our children.
How much time did you really will spend
quality time to our children, with our children?
Do we give them real attention
or we're absent?
Do we love and give them love and
care till we hug our children and we
kiss them and cuddle with them and take
them out and play with them, or we
don't have time for them.
We need to have that.
And
because the part of this,
you know,
maintaining this strong relationship with the children and
with the parents is that to show mercy
and kindness both ways.
And that's what we
create a strong bond
between us
and our children, and between us and our
parents.
I want to give you one examples, maybe
I said it last week,
that
a man that was cutting his mother in
Hajj and said,
oh, Rasoolallah, she's my mother.
Rasoolallah said, does not equal one moment of
the pain of delivery.
Don't tell me that you have you have
paid her back. K?
For a a a person
should always think of it in that way.
The other thing is that, said
that it is not,
one of us, the one who does not
respect the elderly or become merciful on the
young one.
Before we have to have that always in
our mind
and this is the
class of today about parenting relationship, and I'll
have some questions. Any questions?
Okay. If there's no questions, I have some
questions.
Unless you want to go home, you have
right to go home, but I have questions
here.
What do you think
we need to learn as Muslim living in
America
in parenting
skills?
What are the things that we
everything is called
must know
as being a parent in America.
Create a list and
start telling me what must do list
being a parent and a medic.
Learn to communicate.
What? Learn to communicate. Communicate.
Learn communication. 1. Good. Compromise. What? Compromise.
Compromise.
Learn to compromise. Okay?
Yeah. Yeah. We have like what your child
is going through on a daily basis, the
environment surrounding.
Ask your children how was your their day
was.
Everyday, how do you feel today? How was
school?
Not
like,
you know, children come, like, put their their
bag there and go to the room, they
like their room, and the fathers and the
mother comes and the people sit in the
dinner table, don't talk.
They just look to each other.
How why is that?
You know?
Seriously.
I I remember that one time
I I was given this workshop
in a in a in a conference,
for some perspective counseling,
and some
one father said, I have nothing to tell
tell my children. It's about my business, and
what can I tell them about business? I
said, yeah, there's nothing in the house you
can talk to them about. Nothing. Talk talk
to him about their own life. Said, how
is school?
He said he said, you know,
I don't know. If I talk to him
in school, I'll always fight
because the father look for fault.
How is school?
Or lie. I today, I made a mistake
in math. How come she make a mistake
in math? And and the charge shut up.
Like like, it's a fine. Conversation,
gonna bring a fine. Therefore, avoid it.
The the the the the the policy,
avoid
because otherwise, you're gonna get more troubles. You
know, there's there's the four reason people don't
communicate.
Fear of criticism,
feel that their opinion not be listened to,
feel that the the the the person that
they, they they they might talk to, they'll
not give them feedback, they'll not,
you know, give them that comfort.
And the 4th, I forget now. See, I'll
be coming getting old. But, anyway,
you can you can tell me what the
force is. But
there's there's many reason that people don't communicate
or or a person is shut off,
shut down. They feel that,
that's why they don't,
communicate. Therefore, it is important to communicate. What
else?
Yes.
Mutual respect of the child.
Mutual respect.
Is somebody creating a list?
I want someone to take notes of what
you're saying, because what you're saying, this is
my constitution. I'm gonna distribute to a whole
America. I said, this this class produces must
do list.
What
else? I want these children to speak too.
Yes? Maybe
Create a relationship. Develop a relationship. What do
you mean by that?
Friendship and.
Friendship.
Develop a friendship. Make these children so trusting
and said, dad,
today
somebody asked me to take drugs, and I
said no.
The child the father said, wow.
That's what you went through today. It was
tough for you.
You know?
I have I've I was
many times and I I'm gonna tell whoever
I told them that that, I'm gonna tell
you all of it again. I many time
I approach parents in this community and I
said, listen.
I really I do appreciate what you have
done for your children.
Haven't seen those children now as an active,
as
members of the Muslim community.
I've said that from deeply from my heart
because I can tell how much contribution those
parents have contributed to Muslim woman.
When you open that relationship,
make a friendship, when you see a child
that chatting with his father or a daughter
chatting with his mother or the son chatting
with his mother and talking to her like
a friend, you say, subhanallah, what what a
good relationship that mother have with her child.
You know, that connections
or the father. Therefore, this is what we're
looking for, relationship. What else?
Yes.
One of the things you could do a
lot of things you can do things with
the chair. Like me, I love, physical activity.
So, you know, sometimes myself and, we can
go to the gym, You know, I'm
the Sumayya. You know, we can talk. We
can discuss things. Pick up a hobby that
the child like. If the child want to
go to soccer,
play soccer,
go with them, drive them, and then be
there in the field, and the child will
say, oh,
in the way you're driving them, you talk
to them. The way you pick them up,
you get the time to spin them, and
you enjoy them, have them seen playing.
That's important.
Yes.
You know,
it's not really between
kid kids and their parents, but it's also
very important for
parents,
like, the mother and the father to have
a good relationship
for the kid to come out healthy. Because
if he does not have a good relationship
with the spouse.
Good. You have a good relationship with the
parents. The parents have to set up a
model and example for their own children,
some father and others. Excellent. Yes. Honor their
opinion?
Honor their opinion.
You know, it is important that you say
why you think that way? And something very
interesting
that will
be talking to 10 years old.
You know what what we do in America
with 10 years old? Is a kid.
Or in in America maybe they they give
him more respect than we do some in
Muslim countries. 10 years old cannot even eat
with adult in the same table in some
country. That he has to sit or she
sit next place and eat in the kitchen
while the father eating with adult. We know
that he's. Rasoolullah alaihi wa sallam used to
have the children,
children, little children,
sitting with him and teach him how to
eat.
And one of the children, small child,
they eat from the same pot,
and it'll be eating in front of this
person and eating missing the whole
thing. So I started very nicely. He said,
oh, young boy.
It was your right hand.
It was your right hand.
And eat from what is near you. Very
nice and become Hadith.
10 years old, Ibn Abbas.
Look at these very interesting things, and that
was just come to the point the sister
was saying, when you have a ride with
them, have a conversation with them in the
car. The car sometimes is the best time
to have a conversation with children, by the
way.
Because you both of you are stuck with
one room
and then you have to talk.
He's
10 years old, was riding behind Alfa in
his camel,
Tekhar.
Okay? Riding behind him.
Took the ride
as opportunity to teach the young man something,
ibn Abbas,
his cousin, the son of Abbas, Abdullah ibn
Abbas, he said,
oh young man, I'm gonna teach you a
few words.
Oh, my dear
son or Ulam, young man, I'm gonna teach
you a few words. I'm not gonna make
it too long, boring for you. It'll be
a nice conversation. I'm not gonna lecture you.
Try a few words. Be with Allah, Allah
will be with you.
Be mindful of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala find
Allah in your help on your aid. If
you ask, ask Allah. If you seek for
aid, seek Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. And he
gives him, like, what confidence. He said to
him,
oh, young man,
you have to must know if whole world
gather in one place, they want to harm
you?
And Allah said, no to eat, they will
not be able to harm you. If all
of them got it, they want to give
you something, Allah said no to eat, they
will not be able to give it to
you. 10 years old. Have the conversation with
him like that.
It is important for us to teach the
children how to have a
relationship and communication with them in a way
that the children feel important.
Feel that that we do not,
dismiss them.
And that's, I think,
from the sunnah of Rasool alaihi wa sallam.
No matter how much book I've been reading
for parenting by the way, my wife, I
don't know, if she's there, that is we
have,
sometimes I go and buy something that says
raising a daughter or raising this and that.
You read those books, but when they come
back to Rasool sallam
life, you find that have give a comprehensive
way of dealing with children.
Comprehensive.
You know? We just we have not looked
at it, and that's why doctor Aqbalioni has
told me something very interesting. He said, he
you want to look to concept of leadership
in Quran, and every time you look, you
find something new in it.
And he said because Quran
you can come to Quran for guidance for
every aspect of life and whatever you look
for it in that guidance,
that particular aspect, you find the guidance.
Say if I like to look in the
Quran how the Quran deals with financial issues,
and because I'm a businessman. I come to
the Quran, I find values of things. I
find the hadith value of things, and I
learn how to do be a better businessman.
As a parent, come and consult the Quran,
I find value of things. As a husband
as as a wife, to come to the
Quran, you find plenty of things there.
As a child,
before we come to a second consulting the
Quran for guidance. What else? What do you
think?
I'm really enjoying your comments, guys, because I
have to learn from that.
Yes? Parents should know who their child's friends
are.
You hear that? She said you have to
know the friends of your children. This advice
given by
all counselors in America.
You must this is a must to know
your children's friends
because children's friends has great influence on them.
This is must.
Yes.
Amara.
Parents' friends. What? Get to know the friend
the parents of those children's friends. The parents,
the family,
where the friends come from.
That's important
also. The not only the the individual, but
the family background. Yes. Hang out with your
children and listen to them and pay more
interest in you in their lives?
Yes. Give them let them talk about their
life
and show interest
in their life.
What they what they concern about. Yes. Just
to add to that, I mean, sometimes the
parents tend to give really long lectures, and
so I mean, the kids just learn to
tune them out.
You know?
So, I mean, they have to it's gotta
be kind of a give and take.
Yes.
You know, after 20 minutes, people people lose
concentration. But hamdulillah, you've been very good listen
to my all of these hours.
You know, sometimes you see the child, you
know, I remember that one time that I
have asked my daughter,
I
was in the office, and my daughter came
and and I was in the meeting. And
then I said to my daughter, I made
a mistake myself. I said, I want to
sit there and be quiet.
The person,
with me in the office said you're expecting
too much of her.
How she's asking to do this? I said,
Adira made a mistake. I'm sorry. I said,
you know, you know, you can do these
activities. I gave her
them krayaan and said, you know, color here
and white here. Because sometimes you're expecting too
much of the child.
And you get struck by that. I said,
see dad don't move. That is impossible.
It's not a prison. Don't move. Don't say
this.
Yeah. You have to be reasonable in your
expectation as well.
Yeah.
Yeah. Lead by example.
Lead by example.
Don't say something that yourself you don't do.
Don't smoke,
Brother
son, smoking is very bad,
and you have this you have it in
your hand. The son is not gonna believe
in it because he have it.
You know?
Or the the the the parents say don't
drink. And very interesting in America, the the
parents tell the children, don't drink until 23,
but alcohol is in the table where people
are having dinner.
It's what is that about? You know? Parents
don't pray and expect the kids to pray.
Yes. Or ask them to pray or you
drop your a person drop their children at
Sunday school and they they do the do
whole time is being prayed at Adam's and
they still sit in the car waiting for
them to come out.
And why don't you go and pray? It's
important the child see the plants in the
house in in the masjid.
That's very important.
What else?
What's unique about raising children in America? I
want you to say something
regarding
also
Yes. The amount of freedom a child has.
The amount of freedom. You have to understand
that if you are a immigrant in parents,
you start raising children in back home and
then you come to America, you have to
remember the environment that you're throwing the children
at.
Okay? Therefore, you have to understand that as
well. And even the way that is some
parents,
the way they discipline these children.
You know,
Rasulullah
never hit
beaten, Yani, never beaten
a man or a woman.
K? That we have to also be careful
of that. What else?
You have to be very active, you know,
like, if you're trying this in public school,
you have to be involved
in, you know, what is really happening, the
activities. And so so you have to be,
you know, as every Muslim should be a
dyer. We we have to be very active.
We have to be involved.
Get that school calendar.
Absolutely. Get that school calendar. Become part of
PTA.
Become part knowing what's going on in the
school. That's very important.
Yes. I think it's important that the parents
understand
the Americana culture and the types of things
that the kid is going
to hear later on in life. So, like,
for example,
in America, it's it's common that a child
is rebellious at the age of 15 20.
So, if the parent addresses that when the
kid is 10 and 12
and explains that you don't necessarily have to
be rebellious when you're young. Mhmm. And you
address it before,
you know, he gets to that age where
he's supposed to be rebellious.
Absolutely.
The
Christine birthday in America is a big thing.
After a big the biggest,
cake ever,
I have now to do this. So Christine
is a big thing, isn't it, in America?
No. Yeah. Because Sweet 16.
Sweet 16. Yeah. That's for girls. Though. Oh,
for girls? Okay.
Okay.
You see, now I'm learning some culture. I
have to watch it out. I have 3
girls.
Okay.
Now what else?
Okay. Now let me flip the coin a
little bit. What do you think we should
do
or children should do to parents? For us,
for us, for all of us, what do
you think we should do to honor our
parents?
What are the thing that I have not
included in this discussion? Think that we missed
out in the in in the in the
class? Yes.
I think, you know, a lot of,
children that grew up in America
end up belittling
their parents' culture. Like, mom, you know,
don't tell me that this is the way
to do it there because, like, I'm in
the first world country. I don't need to
know what to do in the third world
country. I mean, like, I've heard that right
from a kid that I thought was a
great kid, and he said that right to
his mom's face. I was like, woah. You
know? Yeah. It is important not to belittle
or to think that your parents come with
no experience
whatsoever. You are the one who have all
the technology or all the information or all
of that.
That's not acceptable. Good.
What else? What should we do? I think
that the one thing that I wanna say
is as time goes on,
you know, kids
know a little bit more than what parents
sometime understand.
And their knowledge of awareness is a little
bit more. So sometime,
you know, they communicate with each other and
let each other know that, you know, I
know this much and the father says, no.
You don't know this. A lot of times
the kid knows a lot more than what
the parents think.
This is a very good point. I'm gonna
tell you a hadith from that.
Umar al Khattab was
sitting with the companions and his son, Abdullah
ibn Umar, was sitting. Rasool salalahu alaihi wa
sallam said, which tree
that like a believers is always as good,
has good roots and bear very good fruits?
None of the Sahaba knew it.
Said it's a palm tree.
Abdullah ibn Umrah
going back to the law going back to
his father home, he said, dad,
you know what? I knew the answer.
The father said, why didn't you say so?
He said, I didn't want to say that
in front of those people.
He said, you know, son, if you have
settle if you have you if you had
said it, I would have been the most
happiest father.
I could have been proud of you.
Therefore, the son should not get intimidated,
and sometimes that happen in calling and formation
of Islam.
Some parents
don't accept the advice regarding Islam because it
come from their children. If the child said,
dad, I think it's time to pray. Who
are you to tell me to pray? Remember
that I'm your father.
What's wrong with you?
You know, that that that's it.
That that bias cannot come from the child.
Therefore, it is important
that is the
a person look to the advice or the
opinion in the merits, not because
whom it come from. You may have a
small child,
give you advice
that use it for the rest of your
life.
You know? And that is,
something that,
you know,
Allah gave to Isa alaihis salam.
Mother carrying the child,
and Allah said to her, don't talk. Point
to the child.
The child will defend you.
For a
baby
in
the
cradle.
How can you talk to a child in
the cradle?
The child said, I'm the servant of Allah.
Give me the book.
He made me a prophet.
And he put lesson upon me wherever I
may be.
With Zakah and advised me and to establish
prayer and Zakah
as long as I live.
This mother carried me, and Allah ordered me
to be kind to her.
Therefore, it is important that, you know and
you remember that Hajjis of
Rasoolam said,
3 people
spoke in in when they're they're young. Isa
of Numeriam and other two people. 1 of
them
is a child of a lady of the
people of the ditch, Ashab al Khdud.
This king of of of
of of Yemen, he decided to kill the
believers. He said to them, either you disbelieve
in Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala or I'm gonna
throw it in this fire.
A a woman carrying a small child, she
was worried about to jump, and her child
said, mother,
you are on the truth. Jump on it.
Don't worry about
it. A baby,
give the mother advice.
K? Therefore, it is important
for us
to look into this, you know,
you know, responsibility
of being able to listen to the advice
come from the children. I don't think that
you have it all. What else?
The way that we
When we're talking about parents have to be
the children's
friend, the friendship can only go so far
because some parents want to be their child's
friend to a point that they're not parents
anymore. So
kids have to listen to their parents. There's
there's time for friendship, but there's time for
parenting as well. So you can't blur the
distinction so much that it's meaningless.
That's a good point. Sometimes parents become too
loose, as I said before. The
the child the children said, I want to
go to the dance.
The parents say, okay. Let's go for it.
The children said, you know, there's a party.
I want to go to it. Even the
party crossing all the sound boundaries. The parents
said, no. You know, in America you cannot
do that. I said in America there's many
people who are not Muslims. They sent to
the children, no. It's the wrong thing. Therefore,
some Muslim get too loose.
That's a good point.
You know, people should not confuse that.
Okay. What else?
Good. I think just list. Maybe, Adams can,
inshallah, take it from his tip and and
create a a something print out from it
so that we can use it as tips
in our printing classes at Adam. Jazakamullah khair,
it's been very interesting sessions
learning a lot from you, not necessarily,
you know, my own information, but every time
I get the feedback, I get to leave
this class with a lot of information. And
I promise you inshallah,
next week, I will have more time for
discussions
because guess what? I'm gonna discuss husband wife
relationship
and in laws to extend the family. Therefore
bring all the friends you can bring. Yeah.
Let us shall have good discussions about it.