Mohamed Magid – The HusbandWife Relationship Beyond the Basics #09
AI: Summary ©
AI: Transcript ©
Now why you think this topic is important?
What will bring you here today?
Why are you coming to this class?
What? To save marriage life. To save marriage
life.
What else? What do bring you here?
Why you think you are interested in this
topic?
Therefore, you want to have knowledge and skills
to help you to improve your relationship
or to add more to it.
What else?
Do you prepare for maybe 2 to 10
years in advance? Masha'Allah.
Young people say they want to prepare themselves.
Those who are single, they're not married, they
want to know what it's all about.
Good.
Therefore, inshallah
by the way, this is a summary. This
cannot be,
those who attended my 9 sessions classes of
marriage,
this is a nutshell. This is like a
summary of all of this.
But I promise, Insha'Allah,
on Sunday
series
that we're planning to do
at 10 o'clock or 10:30,
every other Sunday here,
we're gonna address a particular issue of marital
relationship
or family relationship. 1 about communication,
1 about financial planning, 1 about,
for example, the
improving the level of understanding of Islam in
the family,
particular topic,
particular skill, and then we move on. But
here today, I'm gonna address it in general.
Now
the objective of this class is to improve
the relationship with our spouses
or a spouse,
and to learn to communicate
and to be a model example for our
children to follow.
Our relationship,
it does affect our children
and does affect environment around us.
People see
the happy spouses,
happy parents,
and then they follow the footsteps of the
parent. Therefore, the interaction between
husband and wife very much
been watched
by our own children.
For we we would like,
our relationship not to,
only to benefit us, but we like to
have it to exceed that and benefit on
all our own children.
Divorce rate in Muslim community
is 33%.
2 years ago or 3 years ago now,
to 33%.
Very alarming.
It still is less than national statistics, about
51%.
The
rate
of
the,
you know,
divorce in inner city is higher than it
is in the suburbs.
And unfortunately,
in some places, people stop I say that
all the time, stop socializing
because everyone have married somebody x.
You cannot sit and talk
because my spouse is your x and you're
x of this. They were too familiar each
other, so they stop visiting one another.
We don't like that.
We would like to do something about it
as Muslim community.
The other thing is that, what Muslim offer
America?
What do we offer?
United
States. I think as Muslims, our contributions
has to be
in the area of moral
standards,
family values,
and so forth, and who can join hand
to hand an alliance
with so many people in this country who
look forward for a strong family.
And this national almost become a national debate
of the collapse of family in the United
States.
Therefore, as Muslims,
we should set a model, an example, be
like stars. People can look up to us
and say we want to follow that example
of Muslims.
Marriage also, it is important because it's the
subject that Quran dealt with it more than
any other subject in human relationship.
Quran spoke by parents.
Talk about it in 3 4 verses.
Just set the standards.
But regulating a relationship
is more about marriage than anything else. For
marriage and divorce and all of the things
about
saving the family.
And I come to know,
because I was naive before,
that I used to think that why is
too much yachihi my mother talk about nikah
and divorce. And, you know, sometimes we we
only are all younger than that. Now I
have 2 gray, I think, hair.
I claim some wisdom a little bit. But
while I was younger than that, as some
young people I'm gonna advise you,
don't,
you know, show your muscles that you know
so many things that I as I used
to do, we need to humble ourselves.
You know, people were too much talking about
Islam and Islamic state and politics,
and they used to criticize
scholars. Says, why are scholars talking much about
Mecca and Palak? Why there's not much talk
about politics?
And I come to discover, why is that?
And it is
it is true
that the social,
you know, foundation of the society of state
of nation
lies in family values.
If you have family, good families, you can
build the strong foundation. That's why Rufus Salam
spent a lot of energy in that, well,
that's why Quran have many verses
talking about that. But we, because we develop
an interest in Islamic Islamic, Islamic, this Islamic
that, we think that this is less important.
Therefore, we need to see if we see
what imam Malik, rahim hollah, for example, dedicated
about marriage, Abu Hanifa, rahim hollah, and so
forth. You see, why so they were so
into family issues.
More than any other issue, you come to
know the importance of it. That is why
I think it is important for us to
have this in our radar system. That family
is important in our
program, in the massages,
in our,
convert conventions and conferences,
in our, bookstores and material, astrolabe and others.
It has to be a literature there that
help people to save families. And we should
highlight it.
Say, we have this much things regarding
parents,
children,
spousal relationship.
It has to be a material
that provide
that wisdom
to
families.
Now,
I I do see there, I put 2
things, one of them the linguistic definition
of marriage,
and the other is the
the. But when I ask you, who is
married here?
Who is married?
Good. We're gonna add the married people first,
then I'm gonna come to you that who
are single.
Why you think you get married?
What happened?
You lost your mind?
Why did you get mad?
To feel a sense of completeness.
Sense of completeness.
Yes.
What? We want companionship.
Start a race family. What? You want to
start your own family, you want to raise
a family.
What
else? Is it sooner a problem for Abbas
Islam to get married? Therefore, you have to
fulfill the sooner to get him married.
Okay.
Good.
To have
children.
Go ahead. To have children.
Good.
Single people.
Why, what's your why why you think that,
you know, you want to get mad?
If you're thinking about it, why?
You know what it takes?
You know what it takes to get married?
Navid, you can speak louder.
Don't talk to yourself. Okay. Tell us.
You wanna say anything?
Okay. I'll pick up on him because, you
might have a friend.
Okay. Who else want to say something?
Don't say to yourself, I'm gonna pick up
a new one like Naveed did.
Either you say it loudly.
What is that? Why?
No? No one?
I don't Single pair of people wanna get
married. What? I said none of the single
people wanna get married. I guess.
Oh, okay. You don't like us to get
married. Okay. I don't believe that, but, anyway.
I know questions.
All of you have hidden agenda. I want
to get married. Okay. Now but listen.
Let me describe
this this relationship for you. Okay.
Arabic is very interesting language.
You know, marriage in Arabic is zawaj.
When you are single,
you are fed.
When you are married, you are a pair.
That means you move from being a a
single
by yourself
to becoming a pair,
and called the wujiya,
and the Arabic language means parity.
And being paired is very interesting word in
Arabic. It means those who are alike have
common goal.
The thing that is zout of something is
that zout is alike.
Okay?
And also,
if you look at it from the Quranic
perspective,
that everything in the universe is zawj. Do
you know that?
Allah says so.
The Quranic
view of the universe
is
a universe.
It's not a Firdi universe.
Allah says so in the Quran,
so that you might have
reflect our remembrance.
For firo Allah, flee to Allah as pair.
Look at it as
like, a bird,
and imagine these things, and no animal cruelty,
which is why I want to imagine this.
A bird
you take one wing of the bird,
you take all the feathers
out of it.
You make it naked. No. No. Naked. No.
No feathers.
Do you think that bird will fly?
That's what happens sometimes when the marriage has
no idea.
One wing is doing like this,
and the other wing is not helping.
Can you imagine it?
For firu is fuli to Allah.
Okay? Therefore, meaning
functioning as a pair.
Okay? And that's why sometimes when one wing
is not working,
you cannot fly.
You will come
if the wing is there but it's not
functioning,
therefore, marriage is not gonna work.
You get my point?
Okay. Therefore, this call is the ugia. K?
Now
the
what do you think the definition of marriage
is? Don't look to your paper.
It's not like an exam thing. This is
meant to take home.
The paper to remind you what the definition
of marriage.
If I actually define it,
what is it?
What's marriage?
A formal relationship.
What? Formal relationship. A formal
relationship.
What else?
Sorry. Marriage is a contract where 2 people
comes together with but, you know, they must
have some love for each other.
It's a contract that bring 2 people together.
They should have love with within them. Must
have some love. You have you know, you
must have that
love or love or something that grows, you
know, but you must,
you know, you must have that type of
feelings or Connection. Connection.
Okay.
What is marriage again? It's good. All of
you said is correct, correct. What else? What
marriage is?
From Sharia
perspective.
It's a contract,
period.
That is strong word, oh, by the way.
You know, sometimes the ability of defining things
in one word,
it becomes more complicated, of course, because you
need to you know, in in the fir'ih,
when you will study fir'ih, you have metin,
And then you have,
Hasia,
which is Hasia is the commentary
on the text.
Then you have hasia till hasia,
which is a commentary on the commentary, sometimes
because, as Ullama, I used to write some
difficult language. But it's a contract.
Yes. Marriage is a mutual contract
and a pledge
that a man and a woman
entered into that contract
with understanding
to fulfill the condition of the contract based
on the teaching of the Quran and the
sunnah
of prophet Muhammad
The definition of it. And that's why Quran
and Karim call it
in a strong covenant
or pledge
that husband and wife give to one another.
Okay?
Quran says, how come you take back the
dowry that you have given
after you have given
the strong oath,
pledge?
In the name of Allah Subhanahu Wa
Ta'ala.
Before it is a
that, you know, when people enter, and that
people have to think it as such as
such. You know, always I make this it's
very it is it's funny, but it's sad.
There are people sometimes in marriage is drive
through thing.
Las Las Vegas marriage. They get in the
car and they call drive through marriages,
You know,
people might sometimes call you said, brother Magid,
we would like to get married.
I said when? They said now, it's 10
o'clock at night.
I said brother, wait until tomorrow morning.
Brother, we cannot do that.
We have to get married now. I said,
why you cannot do that?
How long, you know, been not married? What
happened now? Just this moment, 10 o'clock, Saturday
night, I want to get married.
And sometimes they used to tell me, brother
Magid,
we want you to get, you know, have
us to get married
and,
please don't say no at 10 o'clock, you
know, I said even if I want to
marry you now, 10 o'clock,
by the time I reach my
brother, we're in the parking lot
of my apartment when I used to live
in apartment.
They come in together in the car, they
want to get married. These past food marriages
is not gonna work.
People have to be serious about it.
Have to know what it takes. It's not
in and out. Getting married and then get
divorced.
It have to people think about it seriously.
Therefore, this is my advice to young people.
Therefore, marriage is that strong pledge
that people give.
When they say I do,
you said I do and Allah Subhanahu Wa
Ta'ala
has written that answer that you have given,
that pledge you have given.
And that's why Allah Subhan Adar says in
Surat Al Nisa,
old people, be conscious of your Lord. And
let
me the one who created from 1 soul.
Created from its
and he from them, he have created many
men and women scattered men and men and
women.
Be aware, be conscious of Allah subhanahu wa
ta'ala.
Underline this.
Arabic
means
the one that you ask
of your mutual rights in his name.
You ask for your mutual rights in his
name.
And your kinship,
Inaluhaqqani
alaykum.
Raqeeba.
Allah watch over you
Before entering marriage contract
with that understanding
and reminding ourselves
of that pledge,
we should make a person
think 100 times before ending this relationship,
because it is a mitzakkalib
you would have given.
Therefore,
this is the and you know what the
word of aqd is in Arabic? The word
aqd,
And that's why Arabic language sometimes is very
important, brothers and sisters, to understand those concepts.
The word Akd in Arabic.
What is act? What is the Arabic linguistic
meaning?
Who's Arabic speaking here?
Act.
Okda is a knot.
The knot. But the akd is what?
To tie.
Yeah. It
they call the
knot of the marriage. But in order for
it, you have to the process of it
is the Akd.
Then after the finish, it becomes.
Quran says.
Therefore, what you do in marriage, you
time.
What happened when divorce take place with the
word talak in Arab, do you know? From
talaka?
Yaklulakko,
is to release.
Talak is to release the knot,
and the act is to tie. Okay?
Therefore, when people get married,
they have done this.
K?
Tie the knot. Yes. Tying the knot. What?
No. In American culture, they're tying the knot.
Yeah. Really? In marriage they say that? Maybe
they learn from us.
Okay? Therefore, tying the knot. This is the
the Arabic word of act.
Therefore, think about your spouse
and and you and your spouse as a
knot.
You've been kind.
Then
I would like to talk about the purpose
of marriage.
Why do you,
people said get married for companionship, some people
said get married for
having children, having family, and so forth.
I want to take some
one of 2 I add that I use
my in my presentation,
and I'm quite sure if I use all
the verses I use,
we will end the session without going to
other points that I want to make.
Look to the world of Quran says,
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says in Surat Al
Rum Ayah 21.
You know the ayah?
Who is married here that have put an
ayah in their wedding car?
What the ayah?
Jawad, what id did you put in your
wedding card?
The one that's there. The one that's there.
Who have used this ayah in their wedding
card?
Eye that you have it in your paper
here.
Many of you have used it?
Okay. If you have used it, tell me
what it means?
What the meaning of it?
Can you read it here, Jawad, for loud
voice, the word says?
The law of adversity between your hearts,
verily in that of signs for those who
reflect.
Okay. Can you give us some insight?
What do you think this
Well,
I know I'd,
you know, it's very obvious. It's very easy
to understand to anyone.
Created
for
us as a blessing, as Rahma,
as love and compassion from
that we can share some of that,
between ourselves
that we're we're meant to be, together.
That means your spouse is the gift from
Allah.
Isn't that a new attitude?
Can you look to your spouse and say
you are a gift from Allah?
You know, rather than,
you are a test from Allah.
Don't look to your spouse as a test.
Look them as a gift.
Let us change our attitude. I think the
brother have summed up this very nicely.
Okay? As a gift from Allah subhanahu wa
ta'ala.
Now
I see Eunice smiling, Insha'Allah.
Listen.
Yeah. I have to pick up on people
now. I'm sorry about that.
Now it is important
to look over this concept
of this ayah
and contemplate and reflect on it.
Allah
says in Quran,
the first,
the marriage is ayah of Allah
How would a person like myself or you,
who are married, who think that you will
share a life with someone that you never
thought you'll be
you'll be sharing life with, under the same
roof, and have children, and have family,
and adopt them
not only as a family, but the most
close person to you.
You share everything with them that you have.
Isn't that amazing?
That is when you are a kid,
your brothers, your sisters are more important,
you know. You're surrounding them. Then you get
married,
then you share things with your spouse, you
don't share it with your brother or sister.
You know?
The
as if the the example of looking to
the mirror, driving a car.
You know, some people are visible, they can
see everything but your your spouse can see
what?
The blind
spot.
They look over their shoulder, they can see
more than that.
Therefore, it is amazing.
It's an Ayatollah
to have a person be able and sometimes
when I look my grandfather, Rahimu Allah,
he married to my grandmother
for
60 years,
her husband and wife. 60 years. 60.
And SubhanAllah,
yeah, you can see
when people say grow in marriage, they don't
have grown those people, like, you you know,
when they become, like, 90,
if you blink,
his wife know what he wants.
Yeah. It is
it become it become so familiar with each
other. It's 50 years of marriage.
It
is
that
alrahma from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala that you
have someone who's not biologically related to you.
When you are sick,
he bathe you, like my grandmother took place
took care of my father grandpa,
who's there in the hospital take care and
you can see
how people become
so attached.
Like Ka'ib alaihis salam and his wife taking
care of him in all the sickness he
has. Everyone run away except the wife.
Okay? Therefore,
it is the
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
bring that to us as a sign from
him. He's the one who can do that.
And he created for you
as.
He created from among yourself spouses.
Another lesson in Arabic language. You know what
the word mean is in Arabic?
Min?
From.
From.
Li is what? To. To or for.
You create from among yourself
spouses.
What that means,
we have to remember
that when we get married,
people become 1 in the spiritual sense and
emotional sense.
They become
nafswahida,
as Haya says.
Therefore, whatever hurt the spouse, one of the
spouse, the other spouse should feel the pain
of it.
And that's why one of the scholars said
something very interesting, said, wouldn't it be nice
if a husband called to his wife and
said, oh my my nephews, oh myself.
And said, oh, hey. Yeah.
You know,
all my nephews,
mean I'm physical.
Put yourself in other person's shoes.
Treat
other person the way you want to be
treated as I suggested in the end of
this class or the note you have.
You know what I said? What is the
idea?
Idea?
Pear. You
become pear.
Okay? For when you get married, you become
pear.
Your pair.
Then what is the purpose of it? The
so that you might have what?
Tranquility.
And it's Allah who put love and mercy
between your heart. And for the purpose of
marriage,
why we get married,
we suppose all of us stick in a
peace of mind,
to be living peace.
That means
each
spouse responsibility
is to provide that peace of mind.
There's not one
way. Each spouse
should
walk
toward that goal of having to provide the
kinah for the other person.
And very interesting
is that Allah says
he created that pair
so that we might we may seek
comfort,
tranquility in them.
Would you seek comfort in someone
does not provide comfort?
Would you seek comfort in someone who would
not provide environment
of
acceptance
or peace? No. Therefore, it is important that
the spouse each one responsibility
to provide the comfort, the Tusconu Ilea.
Many think that disturb us in life,
and we need in each aspect of it
to have peace and tranquility.
But sakinah is the peak of marriage,
It's high level.
That if you have in everyone, you don't
have worries.
My need in this side have been met.
My need in this aspect have been met.
My need in this aspect be met. I
met the need of my spouse in this
aspect, in this aspect,
every aspect, therefore
she has Sakena, I have Sakena, period.
Therefore, in order for evil people to achieve
this high level of Sakeena,
is to have to have love and mercy.
Okay. Two ingredients.
Rahma,
how many times that we were not merciful
to our spouses? You remember I said that
one of the conditions in human relationship we
have to have Rahma? In every relationship
you have to be kind
and kindness
brings love.
And every time a person is harsh
to someone,
love decrees
goes down. Mercy,
get it up.
Therefore, we have to what?
Look to the love as a tree,
the water of it is mercy,
the fruit of it is tranquility.
You like this analogy?
You think of it again? What did I
say?
Love is what?
A tree
watered with mercy.
The fruit of it
is tranquility.
As long you provide mercy,
as long you treat each other with kindness,
the this tree of
love become strong
and the fruit of it always
become what? It bear good fruit of tranquility,
sakinah.
Therefore,
I would like as Muslims to think of
it that such.
And remember, there's something that Imam Ghazali said
very interesting. He said, Islam is not a
dry religion.
It's not dry.
Islam is a religion that brings all things
connected together
and connected with Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.
He said,
those who
bestowed mercy, give mercy to people, Allah bestowed
mercy upon them.
And if a person want to connect it
with Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, want his ultimate
mercy,
that person have to show mercy
and kindness,
not dryness.
And and that's why Raul Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam
set up that example.
Come home,
he bring like
a just a ocean of mercy of rahma.
If Allah
said he is a mercy to all humanity,
Rahma Al Amin,
imagine when
he focused a little bit on his family,
which is more important, how much dose of
Rahma they're getting?
A big dose,
isn't it?
Because his Rahma
his his his can take all of us
in under
the wing of the prophethood,
sallallahu alaihi wasallam.
Therefore, when he, Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam, have his
family close to him,
how much
Aisha, Khadija
and Fatima alaihis salam get of
Rama everywhere.
Therefore this is our modeling examples. And believe
me, when we take Islam as the set
of laws and we took the spirit out
of it, we get in trouble. We become
people with no passion, no feelings.
You want to see a Muslim that when
you look at him and say, subhanAllah,
what a nice person to be with.
Kind, nice, and gentle. Just, you know, dryness
is not, it's not a good thing for
a Muslim to have.
Drinkleness,
it is the Muslim attitude,
and it has to be more with family,
with a spouse,
for Rahma.
Let's as we
experience gentleness and Rahma,
then we're gonna experience love.
Those who have heard me before in marriages
classes, in in weddings, and so forth,
they heard me saying that there's a misconception
of love
being presented by Hollywood
and also by Egyptian movie and Indian movie.
Okay. All of them the same boat. Okay.
It's also that Hollywood doesn't get upset. We
have Hollywood of our own, an Asian Hollywood,
and the Arab Hollywood. The capital of the
Hollywood of Arabs is Cairo
and,
India, and then you have Hollywood in Los
Angeles. Therefore, it is important
that is the misunderstanding,
misconceptions
of love
that young people now understood in high school.
You know what high school people do think
about love?
You go to a middle school, 1st year
in high school,
your biological clock says I'm talking about males,
females, females, biological clocks in.
Then the 1st person walking in that class
wearing maybe tied and so on and so
on, oh I'm in love. It is not
that's a loss. This is this is the
whims. This is not love
because that's what it is. And
guess what? Girls buy that.
He saw her the first time, said I
love you and so forth, and she believe
it.
This is not because when you would men
that's why I'm telling young ladies don't don't
fall into that, you know, that's nonsense. You
have to think always of a serious relationship
that is no one can get you into
trouble.
K? Because men know how to speak sweet
and soft, what what they know what they
don't want.
They know how to get it. Therefore, it
is important
that to think about love is commitment.
It's commitment,
and that's what it is.
Those who are married can tell you that.
Many times, you get upset with their spouse.
I've been doing counseling for years.
But that doesn't mean you're going to leave
them.
Am I correct?
Because you made a commitment.
Therefore, there are 3 types of love. Love
of the first initial attractions
that the quality is not real love, it's
the feeling.
They call it the microchemistry.
The man said to Mansar said, oh, Rasuulullah,
I get engaged.
And to a lady said, have you seen
her? He said, no. He said, go and
see her.
So that you might have more connection.
You might not like the way she looks.
You will more
have this feeling.
That's the initial one.
The second one is the feeling of friendship,
love of friendship. When a person, husband and
wife, they establish a friendship, they become trusting
each other, talking to one another, and and
there's a lot of commitment,
loyalty to the marriage.
Worse
time of marriage,
people
imagine
the marriage in trouble
like a ship
in high waves.
What people do is sometimes when they are
really in a ship that have high waves
and it might
go down,
What does start people start thinking?
Jump ship.
What? Jump ship. Jump ship? But before they
do that well, they start panicking. Life jacket.
What?
Life jacket.
Life jacket. Good.
And what else? It's a high level. What?
Okay. It goes to high level of ship.
Security. The point is that they want to
save themselves
sometimes,
and sometimes they think of the most important
thing in order to save yourself, you want
to save save what? Before you jump the
ship.
If if you jump the ship before you
think it's saving the ship,
that you take more risk.
Therefore, the concentration supposed to be what? In
commitment, says, want
therefore people in the ship get together, says,
what can we do to save the ship?
You know what the prophet
said? Said the imagine a ship has 2
dead, one upper and one lower.
People in the lower part, maybe the wife
or the husband,
want to dig a hole.
Said, yeah, it's better to have water this
way.
If the other
allow them to dig the hole in the
ship, the ship would sink,
and both of them drowned.
Therefore,
the
love of of commitment.
Okay. Now,
the other things.
I have a quick question. What's the timeline
of this?
Timeline of what? Like compared to actual marriage,
like commitment comes after the car. Right? And
then
what about the friendship and the feeling? That
friendship and the feelings when you get married
then you experience that. So this all after.
Right? All after.
You see now the real question of the
angry will come in. I love that.
I'm the right target.
If I kept get people to ask questions,
that means I I have made them to
think about something.
Okay. Now
now the other things Allah
says that marriage is about 2 families, and
this is another session
of the families and extended family. When you
get married, you are not made by yourself,
but you bring 2 families together.
And that's very important, to think about marriage
is something that you're gonna expand
human relations. You remember the human relation we
talked about the first time? We're gonna have
sister-in-law,
mother-in-law,
if you have even step children, people who
married those children, then you have relationship with
step children, that will create in a bigger
family.
Then Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says also the
3rd ayah
that
is. Allah says people, why do people get
married, other purpose of marriage?
Is that to have this garment,
to have someone
provide warmth
to you and
comfort,
and think of it as clothes. And always
I have this analogy,
what do you do when you shop for
clothes?
What do you look for?
Good quality.
Good
quality.
Yes.
Good stuff. What?
Make sure. Make sure that is something gonna
fit you. Did you try it on to
do that?
I'm just joking.
This is out of control here.
You like that? With exception of that.
Yes. Style. What? Style.
Style. You like if you like the style?
It's affordable. It's affordable. Yeah. Sometimes it can
be high dollar you cannot afford that. Affordable.
Okay. What else?
Yes. It look nice. Look nice.
Okay.
What?
Warm. Warm. You have to buy it for
the last season also?
Good. That means when you about to get
married,
you have to know what you're getting into
into,
and you have to treat your spouse as
a garment.
Three things to remember about it. Okay?
Every time you want to buy garment or
clothes, you have to know the materials
of the garment.
That knowing the personality
personality.
In order for you to treat the garment,
you have to read the labels.
It it says dry clean, don't put in
the washing machine.
Okay? But you have to get to know
the person
and to marry the person that compatible.
1. 2, that you have to be proud
of whom you married at. You only wore
the garment,
you want to clothes that represent you.
3, that you have to have comfort, that
this we have to be the garment for
our spouse, must be comfort to us.
And also we have to cover our shortcomings,
the shortcomings of a spouse,
as the clothes does for us.
And as we come to
want to save the the the clothes that
we like,
we really take care of it, take it
dry clean, make sure that it's put it
in the right place and so forth so
that we done what? Don't ruin it.
We do not,
destroy our own cloth. And when you want
to also clean it,
because marriage
during marriage time, you're gonna have
ups and down. Therefore, marriage can be stained,
You know? But you have gently the cloth
to clean it with a proper
detergent.
If you put the wrong detergent in the
cloth, it's ruining it. I mean, if it's
subject to high heat, you shrink
it. Therefore, it is important that how to
treat the garment. And as a whole session,
I'm just going very quickly
because I used to do that for a
long time. Now
people also do marry get married because of
their son. I'm gonna tell the young people
here,
the only way to have a relationship with
the opposite gender is marriage. No other way.
Islam, period.
Therefore,
you have 2 options, either get married younger,
if your parents approve of that,
or you what what?
Fast. You fast
and be patient,
period.
You have
to until you get married.
Period.
And that's what the hadith of the prophet
said. Therefore, marriage is meant to do a
with all the fitna,
and I'm gonna tell you something, that when
people get married,
sometimes because they come from this,
society that idolize
physical appearance,
You walk into
subway,
giant
magazines or ladies
front of
you, wearing half cloth.
TV
advertisement,
women there wearing that. Therefore, the picture of
of of of of the young people, of
ideal spouse
is a model.
You know, that's what it is.
You shouldn't have that. I think that's a
long way
on perceptions.
A standard beauty,
Don't get fooled by that in people.
Manage more into it than just a look.
Okay? Before have that in mind. Okay? Now
you have the hadith of Rasool Sallallahu alaihi
wa sallam already before you here. Now very
quickly,
so that I will I will be able
to at least to cover things here.
Marriage is based on certain elements,
and we have to remember those elements.
The first element is the element of iman
and taqwa.
You remember I said no dryness
in the religion of Islam?
And that's how those mashiach.
You know something very interesting about Sheikh Abdul
Qadir Jairani
in his method of teaching his students.
He
will question
or look to their behavior
in order for them to be
either closer student or far students. Not about
how much you memorialize.
He was the sheikh of disciplines.
Therefore, have a person and by the way,
for those who might think not good about
Sheikh Abdul Ghazi, even if Nutaimy and other
scholars says a good man. Okay? So that
just to clear the record.
He's one of the great masha'a,
Sheikh Abdul Ghadr.
He will have his student
being checked
by how much that person
is behaving. If the person for example have
bad relation with his family,
he will not make him a teacher of
this of of others.
He will
you are hero who
because he doesn't want him to set up
the example.
Therefore, it is connected. It's very important that
to connect the behavior and the understanding
with the disciplines and the connection of Allah
Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala.
The
whole. Brothers and sisters, how long do you
think we're gonna live in this life?
Everyone sitting in this room, 100 years will
be gone,
more likely.
Even if you are 5 years old sitting
in this classroom.
There's a big court.
There's achirat, life to come.
And whatever we do here, it has to
have a connection with life to come.
Our marriage life,
our parent parental relationship,
we have to think about this taqwa, piety,
righteousness.
And that's what is the unique about Islam.
There's something beyond this physical appearance and this
physical life you see.
It's called life to come.
Therefore, I want all of us to have
it in that perspective.
The patience you may have, the overlook of
the mistake of your spouse,
all of this
nothing goes without compensations.
Period.
Trust me brothers and sisters, I said in
the book of Allah says so.
Nothing goes in this life
without compensation.
Whatever you think that you don't have,
if you thank Allah for what you have
and be grateful and be patient, you're gonna
have compensation in life to come.
If our taqwa, righteousness
is a foundation of relationship.
And that's why Allah's repeated
in one verse,
three times.
Been watching over you also is piety and
righteousness.
But we have to have that
taqwa.
Before you remember that I said the principle
of human relationship.
Before we do anything we have to think
Allah watch over us.
Allah sees every
part of our house
whether it's apartment,
whether it's
a house,
Allah sees every action we do.
Therefore,
piety, righteousness,
it is the foundation
of this relationship,
connecting with Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala.
Would it would it be nice
if we're in Adam Center here?
We have a theme of,
you know,
spread righteousness
and taqwa
in a community just having us to remind
each other of Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala.
And then we remind each other in the
connection of relationship,
how we treat our spouses and our children
based on this formula of taqwa and righteousness.
And have a community be in a community
of righteousness, of of taqwa and piety.
It would be interesting if you spread that
in a community
and that feeling of connection with Allah Subhanahu
Wa Ta'ala. The word Taqwa is the first
element of it. And that's why
if a spouse wronged their spouse
they have to know that will be in
our book in day of judgment.
We want a relationship
that take us to Jannah,
take us to paradise.
The ultimate goal,
where the ultimate comfort
and absolute comfort. Therefore, this is the important
of itaqwa, righteousness, piety.
We have to understand what islam ask of
us.
Many of us, we don't know our
duty and obligation according to Islam,
as husband and wife.
We have to have that.
The
second,
elements of this successful marriage
is communication.
And as I said, each sessions I used
to have 1 hour, well I asked to
know that, 1 hour and half or 2
hours in them, but we've gone very quickly
over those.
Because we used to experience techniques to increase
taqwa and piety and righteousness,
we will do that. And as I promise,
in this ever every other Sunday
at the Adam Center here.
Communication.
Many of us,
we don't know how to talk even to
one another.
We have this problem. You know, they have
a joke,
They say in the beginning of the marriage,
husband talk, wife listen. You have heard
that? Then as things goes
further, then the wife talks
and husband
listen. Sometimes it started with the wife, by
the way.
And the
third point, that husband and wife talk and
the neighbors listen.
What's her name? No one is listening, okay?
The problem is the problem of communication.
What's our model? Who's our model examples?
Who?
Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu
Alaihi Wasallam.
Today I was saying, who are in my
khutbah today
at the restaurant?
I was saying that, you know, we
do ourself
a lot of disservice,
and misunderstanding of Islam if we don't study
the life of the soul of Allah.
If you want to have a model,
you have to know what the model is
about,
for we need to
be connected.
Loving prophet Muhammad Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam is the
part of Aqidah of Islam.
If you don't love him, you're not true
Muslim.
You must love Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alaihi wa
sallam
More than yourselves
even. But we have to look to this
more than an example. Was
an excellent communicator.
Rasool Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam,
he used to repeat himself,
they say, until the person understand what he's
saying.
Although he's very eloquent,
he leave no room for misunderstanding.
And I need to learn that myself, because
sometimes I say something, people misunderstand it most
of the time.
And he was an excellent listener.
He listens
and that's why Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala said
about him, people even questioned and said how
come he listened? Everyone come to him and
he listened to them.
Allah He's have good ear.
He listen for what is good.
For he have that of salallahu alaihi wa
sallam, ability of listening to people and understanding.
Yeah. And one of his ways of communication,
salallahu alaihi wa sallam,
that
he gives the person full attention.
The sassalallahu alaihi wa sallam
never
never spoke to someone or their back his
back into someone, never did.
If somebody said, oh, Muhammad
or
Who knows the hadith?
When he used
to look to somebody, look with all his
all his body.
Not like that. Yes. What you're saying? No.
As even as he speak
that he
has
this facial expressions
But most of the time, sallallahu
alaihi wa sallam is what?
Smiling.
Again what's wrong with ours when we become
religious?
You have a very nice young man who
was cheerful,
fun,
started coming to the masjid, you
know have a big swag now and so
and start immediately frowning your face.
What's wrong?
Why you become so
frowning and so angry with life?
What is it?
Being harsh.
Therefore Raul Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam he used to
battle the communication
will make his
You make the person who's speaking to him
feeling comfortable.
Now
4 things I want to remind about communications.
The most dangerous things in in communication when
husband and wife don't express their expectation.
You have to tell your wife, your husband
what to expect of them.
They cannot assume.
And the brother helped me with a very
nice,
presentation
when we were doing that of communications.
What I mean, it says that don't be
mind reader, don't read people mind.
You cannot put someone in a position and
say, I I have to know what's going
on in my head.
I don't have why.
You have to tell me how you feel.
One of the things we say as husband
and wife,
if when you communicate,
express feeling, not judgment.
You know what that means?
A person said to the person,
I believe
you are doing this to wrong me. That
passing judgment.
I believe you are this.
When when when you say this, the person
will say what?
Attack.
You immediately make a person
have to defend themselves.
That that why most of the time we
fail to communicate because we point fingers.
And when you do this
my mother does have done my counseling before.
How many fingers toward you?
How many fingers?
3.
Doing like this? You say u,
3 is a you.
More than 1, 3 to 1.
We need to see what am I doing.
Therefore,
good communication don't pass judgement, express feeling.
Be specific about your feeling.
Say, I feel this way because of this.
And if there's something
that have caused that feeling,
identify what the cause of feeling and then
the feeling. He said,
because of you not showing up on time,
I feel being neglected.
So that husband and wife, they know exactly
what the other person feel.
You know what the other person should do?
The receiver
should
feedback,
should respond to the feeling. Otherwise,
you are not a kind person,
you're not Raheem.
If somebody said I'm suffering, you said, I
don't know why you're suffering, you shouldn't be
suffering.
I'm sad, I don't know why you're sad,
you shouldn't be sad.
Do not
delegitimize
feeling. It's not correct. You don't call the
person, don't feel sad. And no no, you
shouldn't feel sad.
You shouldn't feel sad, that means you're telling
them, dismiss your feeling.
And that's not correct. You said, can I
know why you're feeling sad? Can I what
can I do to make you feel better?
Before this is just somebody of communication. In
the shallow, we do a whole session in
communication, I promise
on Sunday. Of course communication help to resolve
conflict in family,
help people to make the right decisions,
husband and wife, help them to raise good
children because they're gonna talk about the method
of raising children. I'm gonna stop here because
I think in 2 minutes, they're gonna call
a Dan, isn't it?
So that you come if you have not
wadhu, you have to be ready and we
don't have limited facilities
here. Therefore, inshallah,
we'll come back
and I have,
still more points to make inshallah in the
presentation
before we conclude it inshallah.
There's so many issue in communication I have
not touched on.
It require 2 hours of session
to speak about this,
elements here of communication.
Actually, there's some books been written
in regarding communications,
in marital communications,
or communication in marriage,
because it's a such important
area
that they cannot be overemphasized.
Now
I will get to the 3rd,
fulfilling Islamic obligations.
Islam
is a religion that have
put everything in the
clear
in the guarding human relationship.
Therefore in
marital relationship there's obligations
and there are what?
Responsibility
and rights.
Mutual rights and mutual obligations.
Golden rule,
do not
ask
for your rights before you fulfill your obligations.
Fulfill your own obligation first then ask you
for your rights,
But do not violate other people's rights because
someone has violated your rights.
It's not acceptable
in Islam. You fulfill your rights no matter
what.
For as much as you can, you fulfill
your rights
but the other person have to fulfill their
also their obligations.
And you know what the obligations of husband
in Islam, what's obligation of wife
in Islam,
and what's obligations of extended family
as well.
The mother of
the groom, the mother of the bride, the
mother of the husband, the mother of the
wife.
The most important Islamic obligation
for husband and wife
is to treat each other with kindness.
This is an obligation.
It's a must.
It has to be there.
And Rollema
says this is the most important right
a husband and wife have
to be treated gently, kindly
with kindness.
And that's why Samuel Alama says, this mithra
wheel,
the strong pledge you give, is part of
it is implies
that you promise to treat person with maruf,
with kindness.
Number 1,
any treatment
that undermine that principle
is a violation
of this obligations. A person have not fulfilled
obligation to their spouse.
The other thing is that
the spouse
they have to provide
the environment
to their husband or wife
in which
they feel
loved,
being treated with respect,
and also environment where the person feel
they've been protected.
Been protected.
Protection,
it is the mutual obligations of husband and
wife.
Husband was asked to protect
his wife
in the term of financial issues, in terms
of physical protections, in term of the spiritual
protections,
and the wife was asked to protect her
husband spiritually,
to protect his property,
and to protect him emotionally
as well as he does. Before there's a
mutual
obligation of
protections.
What they call it in Arabic,
you know what
is?
When you get married, you become what?
You know,
in English,
The fort.
You know what fort is?
In war?
Where people
being protected,
when you get married they become
like being shield, you
know, being sheltered,
being protected from heat, from cold,
from all other things, and that's what the
word second is for masking, from home, house.
Therefore, there are Islamic obligations
and husband and wife have to know that.
Obligation towards extended family, the wise
husband or wife, the one who strike balance
between maintaining a good relationship with their parents
and relationship with their spouse. Fulfill the obligation
of their mothers and fathers and obligation of
their husband and wife and or and children.
The 4th,
still also I just want quickly
over this,
There's more into it than what I just
said.
Building trust,
emotional trust.
What emotional trust?
Husband and wife,
when you get married,
you take a risk.
And when you get married, you take a
risk. Do you know that?
There's nothing in life you don't do, it's
not in,
include risk.
Everything, you drive your car in the morning
going to work,
risk. You walk to your office, include risk.
You know, you get in the business, include
risk.
You get married, include risk.
What's the
risk? Is there the risk?
The risk you make yourself vulnerable.
You said to your husband and
wife, this is who I am, I'm giving
you myself.
I'm trusting you is my feeling.
If that feeling been crushed,
you do what?
You get hurt
because you make it vulnerable.
Therefore husband and wife
they have to
be they have to be trustworthy
of that vulnerability
that the person put themselves
in. Therefore,
violating emotional trust
creates
distance.
A person trusts a person one time with
their feelings, they get get hurt.
They trust them the second time they get
hurt. The third time, the 4th time they
go to what?
Shut down.
You shield. You don't like to do it
anymore.
It become what? You create walls and fences
And that's why people sometimes,
they cannot connect emotionally
because one of them being hurt so many
times.
There's a financial trust, of course. There's another
issue that we talk about in financial
that people have when they get married,
I should not think that or you should
not think
all of us that our spouses, husband or
wife
are there to get our money
or to get us and so forth. But
at the same time we should not present
a behavior
that were greedy.
You know, that makes a person think you
are only marrying me for my money.
Therefore
and husband and wife they should not violate
the trust
of property
or money.
Under a marital relationship,
unfortunately
among Muslims also there's what issue of impunity.
Where people starting speaking to other people
or telling doing something to back up the
wife, especially male do that, you know,
and the wife discovered later that he has
an affair.
In Islam
there's a great punishment
of adultery.
It's a very serious business.
Therefore
and how people get lose trust in that?
Husband have an email account, my wife doesn't
know about, his wife or wife has an
email, and said, oh you have an email
that you have a new address, why is
that? No, it's not your business,
you know. Therefore he gets suspicious,
You know?
Or a husband have 2 cell phones. Alhamdulillah,
I have 1 cell phone. You know, have
2 cell phones, one of them, then wife
doesn't know the number, and he already, you
know, discovered that a bill has come to
the home and he has a cell phone
that never told her off.
Or husband says
that I have a meeting
and the wife will discover that's where they
said he has a meeting, he didn't show
up
and he come back and say they had
the meeting. All kind of things that
miss create mistrust
in husband and wife.
And in Islam,
we have to believe
that we have to know When a person
get married,
that person
being entrusted with other person feeling,
that person have made a pledge before Allah
subhanahu wa ta'ala to be honest,
and that person have made trust before pledged
before Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, we would not
betray
their spouse.
Okay.
There's a more into it as I said
also, there's a so many things that cause
the trust to go away, there's so many
things can
have the trust to be strengthened and be
strong.
Mutual respect and mercy.
Husband and wife sometimes they take each other
for granted.
There were disrespect,
it becomes sometime a a a a normal
behavior.
Disregarding anyone anything a person said,
speaking harsh words to one another
and so forth and that
take love away.
You know,
you see the vacuum machine
when you do vacuum what you do, you
suck the dust
Sometimes you suck all the love and take
it all the way, you you make vacuumed,
you take it away
by mistreating the other person.
Okay. You drain them
from love
because we have not been merciful.
Therefore, we have to speak righteously
kind words, no cursing,
no abusive language,
not no physical abuse,
no emotional abuse. If you do this, I'm
gonna divorce you. If you do this, I'm
not gonna sleep with you. If you do
this, I'm not gonna be nice to you
if you do this.
All kind of threats.
Their sister, they have their own threats. The
brother, they have their own threats. And all
of them, they use their ways
of this
violating,
you know,
the other person
rights or their feeling. In
in marriage marriage is stressful sometimes, isn't it?
Those who are married, that it gets stressed
over things
because life is not easy.
Marriage is not only just been
with a spouse but the spouse have to
be have a roof above their head.
You got worried about rent, you get worried
about bills, you get worried about money issues,
you worry about jobs,
about war in Iraq, you get
so many things.
You get sometimes stressed
and the
the wise couple
is they know how to manage their stress
and not have it overlap their relationship. And
all of us sometime we fail in managing
our own stress, and bring that stress to,
our marriage. Anger management.
Many marriages
collapse
of people do not how they don't know
how to control their temper.
Their anger just uncontrollable.
Abuse
is
being used an excuse
to get the anger out.
Person will not come down unless he or
she shouted the top of the lungs. Oh.
Oh. Oh. Oh. All the neighbors and everyone
to have to hear it and then a
person have to come down
after all the damage have been done.
Or sometimes you go beyond that and start
doing what? Physical
things.
But if you want to get married, you
have to know to control those 2.
The temper
and to think before you act.
And I'm gonna tell you something that the
environment with a lot of tensions, children get
affected too.
A lot of shouting, a lot of screaming.
You have to understand the children as human
beings.
They are not objects in that house.
You move them around here and you shout
as if they don't exist.
You shout,
their heart goes like this, because they had
father and mother screaming at each other.
They get frightened, they get scared.
They have
a very distorted picture about marriage, so when
they get married themselves, they don't know what
to trust their husband or to not to
trust their
wife. They don't know how to treat the
wife. They don't know how to treat the
husband. Because whatever heard in the house was
shouting and screaming and cursing.
We have to be careful of that.
6,
of course, there's a whole issue, we talk
about anger management. Go to the
our series from the beginning, you remember?
We talk about anger management, there's a whole
go to your note about anger management.
Physical relationship and intimacy.
There's 3 level of intimacy.
The first one is spiritual intimacy.
Husband and wife, they have at least to
pray one prayer together.
If another prayer, there's something left
Because spiritual intimacy is important.
And those who pray together stay together.
You heard that slogan?
Yeah. Pray together and stay together. But you
need to pray really
asking Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
to help you with to be better spouse.
Don't make du against your spouse in your
salah. You're praying to together but everyone make
du against other.
You have to always to ask Allah subhanahu
wa ta'ala to bestow the mercy and the
blessing
and the relationship.
And you know what?
No matter what we think we can do,
we are limited.
Is Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala have the infinite
power
to change heart.
It's infinite and absolute power
to bring people together,
for you need to connect to Allah subhanahu
wa ta'ala.
People also have to remember part of this
marital
relationship ability of
being able to communicate nonverbal communications.
Intimacy also about just being together, sitting together,
eating together.
Rasool Islam used to sit
and listen those people getting married, I'm not
gonna call them to embarrass anyone anymore,
Not in the end of the class or
the front me. I'm not gonna do that.
That Rasul sallallahu alaihi wa sallam used to
take a bite of food
and
take some of it in his mouth or
give the rest to Aisha or let Aisha
take the first bite and take the rest
in his mouth.
This is the sunnah. People talking about romance,
French romance, and English romance and what is
this nonsense? Do the sunnah thing.
As sunnah is a Christian,
you know.
Therefore, he he give her the bite of
the food that is in his mouth.
Rasoolullah
he comes home
and says oh Ayesha, I'm tired.
He doesn't say okay I'm gonna close the
room
no
no you know, interruption, no noise.
It's only 1 room salallahu alaihi wa sallam
has. The living room, the mostafa and the
dining table and everything is in the same
place.
The prophet comes home
Aisha be sitting
his head and her lapsed, taking a nap.
Imagine that.
You're talking about
really intimacy and romance from English literature
and from all kind of Hollywood movies.
You need to look to also life.
Not only that,
when he used to pray at night,
tajjud, I shall be sleeping next to him.
He's standing up at night, there's no special
room for prayer.
Sometime in our home,
no, the the prayer has to be separate
from the bedroom and other things. We believe
in what? In America, they believe in partition
partition ship, to partition things.
Everything has to be partitioned. We partition ourselves,
work,
family,
stomach,
but
we are not a whole thumb.
We are partitions.
And therefore, when you go to work, you
took this hat.
Then you add the husband, another hat. And
and and sometimes we contradict.
You know there's a book called mister Hayek,
mister what? Does the man had 2 personality?
Jack and Doctor. Doctor.
Doctor Jack and Doctor Hyde.
Doctor Jack his name? Jacko. Jacko and Hyde.
You see I'm learning from
you. It's fun that sometimes to laugh in
class. Good.
Jack and Hyde.
Therefore sometime mister Jack and or Jack or
Jack when you go to work you are
always just smiley and nice man, because that's
how to do business. You have to be
really PR things, they call PR.
Have to be good to your boss and
nice.
But home, you take it for granted. Where
she gonna go? Scream at her, she gonna
stay at home. Shouting at him, where you
gonna go? You know, therefore therefore, nice was
everyone but bad to our spouses.
Or a person
that is, you know, in the masjid is
different than being normal in home.
In Islam, we have to be,
we try to connect things together.
Okay. It's very important. Therefore it is,
the,
the
kindest of Raul Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam. He's the
best to his family. When he comes home,
he is more cheerful.
But he smiles to everybody.
He smiled to his companions,
but he smiled more to his spouse and
children.
He, t'allallahu alaihi wa sallam, kind to everybody
but more kind to his family.
More generous for every generous for everybody, more
generous with his spouse.
Okay. Therefore that what Rasool Salam used to
do.
Therefore we need that kind of, you know,
talking about intimacy.
Therefore I think that people have to
think about this,
kind of connection with their spouse in that
that regard. Of course, I put some points
here,
for discussions on the Sunday session itself. All
of in laws.
In laws can be a disaster or can
be a mercy, but in Islam,
they have to be
the teaching of it, that is in laws
part of your family.
When you get married,
you have in laws, you have to be
kind to them.
You know what happen, if a husband sit
before his wife and say, your mother is
bad lady, your father is bad lady,
man, you know, whatever it is. And start
cursing the whole family
and calling them names.
What do you think that person will say?
You expect someone to curse someone in the
family and somebody said, oh, you're right.
They're
gonna hate you.
Absolutely.
Therefore, sometimes,
we insist
in insulting the other person's family.
It's not your business if whatever they do,
get out of it.
Okay? Maintain relationship
with them,
kind relationship with them.
Okay?
Therefore, as I said before, husband
responsibility is not to allow his mother to
mistreat his wife, not to allow his wife
to mistreat his mother,
and vice versa, for both of them. It's
like a balance
and create an environment of love
in that regard. Okay?
Social life.
Sometimes
social life can be
also
at elements
of having people
go apart
because they develop
a social life that is not spousal, is
not
not both of them think of it together.
Husband have his friends, the wife had her
friends.
And I was just discussing one of the
brothers, my brother Nasim, who said that maybe
some couples here in this Adam Center need
to identify one another and have our children
play together and meet together and so forth
to create environment of social life
that has be helpful in maintaining a good
relationship.
Those who are single,
not don't have to raise your hand again.
Yaki, don't embarrass him anymore. Okay? I've been
beating on him so many times. But it
is important
that to think of your social life to
change have to change your social life to
what, to meet your spouse?
What?
Need also.
What I mean by that,
if people
completely live in isolation in the social life,
what happened?
The husband sometimes spend all night with his
friends
and the wife alone in the house or
the wife goes all the time with friends
and husband.
You need to develop a social life where
people can go together, visit people,
talk to people, have these people to visit
them, develop that kind of social life. That
doesn't mean you can don't have a friend
of your own.
I'm not saying that.
You can have friend of your own but
the friendship that you start will resolve or
alone should not,
become more important than the social life that
you develop together.
Okay. Plan to our community.
Very important
because
as Muslims,
it's easy to go straight when you're by
yourself even as a family. Some families come
too late to the machine after the children
go straight, then they're looking for a community.
Need to start from the early time.
Vacation, I think you should take vacation. Don't
you agree?
Who disagree?
Vacation time,
as family,
and by the way the best time you
spend with your family because you get what?
Especially when you're away from your work away
from Adam's,
you know,
and away from the company and so use
and if you drive in one car,
you get to talk to the children, you
got to talk to families and so forth.
When you go to other place, you get
to visit families and so forth. Therefore it's
good to have vacation,
and I did enjoy my vacation with my
family,
when I visit my hometown, Sudan.
Private time, husband and wife. Sometimes,
husband and wife need to be alone. Let
someone watch their children and need to be
alone. The issue of money.
If you are not married, think about it.
Don't,
first offer spend
now when you're single because you're gonna suffer
on your mind. You have to pay the
bills
of now and of later.
Therefore if you get the biggest car
that you have to pay $700
you know payment of it,
That will be a bill in the marriage
bill.
Therefore, it's gonna be like,
R1300
and
and 700
the car bill, only 2,000 has gone. You
have to be have to make more than
that to obtain a wife
or a marriage. Well, think about it. Whatever
financial commitment you're gonna make now,
it's gonna hunt you later.
Be careful.
For us, as married people, we have to
live with our means.
We should not
try to live with our means,
more than our means. And don't we should
not try to impress anyone.
We don't have to buy the most expensive
furniture to impress my in laws,
even if if my, you know, then I'll
be
going to debt. Live a simple life, believe
me, you sleep peacefully.
Spend user means, don't care about what people
say.
The minute you're concerned about other people, you
get onto debt, because of other people who
get in trouble, we cannot sleep at night.
Because we know there are so many debts.
Therefore, we need to have that in our
mind.
Okay?
Of course, there's more into it, financial planning
and other things are riding a wheel and
so forth. So we'll talk about that some
other time, Michelle. But I'm talking about issues
that of concerns.
People get fight over money.
Sometimes, either people too stingy
or too old. Musliffine,
overspending.
Husbands want to spend all the money of
the world or the wife want to spend
all the money or the husband being stingy
don't want to give the money and that's
what people fight
over.
And you should not lose your marriage over
money by the way.
Teaching of prophet Muhammad
I want to remind you that
was that man who
set
the model of the ideal spouse.
He said
the best among you that is the best
of the family, I'm the best to my
family. Said.
And when
he used to come home bring happiness.
You know sometimes,
you have spouses,
husband enter the house, they mean to enter
the house people say, oh my goodness, he
is home.
Nagging.
Although husband driving his car says,
I have very good time talking to my
brothers today. I have a good time, but
I'm gonna go now to a house,
you know, a piece of what?
You know, fire.
When I go
in, somebody gonna jump on me,
shout at me, and soft voice, gonna question.
Therefore, you don't want to create that environment,
a peaceful environment.
Then Raul Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam,
in order to soften his wife,
Aisha
heart all the times,
you call her his beautiful names.
You Aisha, You Bintos Abdi, You Humayrah, beautiful
things.
In every way possible you can imagine.
And she gave him all her money too.
She said that, you know, Islam said my
money is for me and your money for
you. Islam said that true.
But people think that that means if you
see your husband, you know, they're gonna be
evicted.
No, you cannot touch my money.
You know, I spoke to brother Mady, he
said the money is for the wife.
Brother meant that, by the way. I meant
that, Rahma and mercy.
Because sometimes get to that people mind,
they become so, you know, black and white,
my money, I don't care, you know.
Khadija,
she helped Raul Sorefus Salam in a more
difficult time.
And she even stayed with him in the
difficult time with a boycott.
No socializing, no trade with Makkah. She never
said I'm gonna divorce you, I used to
be a very wealthy lady, more important.
No.
That's why they call Khadija.
Khadija
she contributed to Islam a great contribution
because she was the best spouse
to our the best prophet, sallallahu alaihi wa
sallam.
Therefore, Rasu Salam used to even mention her
even after her death.
Always talk good
positive of Khadija. Remember what I said of
human relations?
If if a friend of Khadija
knocked the door,
get excited. He know the knock,
the knocking of the friend of Khadija
said,
this is a friend of Khadija
He used to also get gifts, meats and
so forth give it to friends
of
Khadija
Radallahu.
Now to conclude so that they don't make
it long, I want things I want you
to remember.
Treat your spouse the way you want to
be treated.
Golden rules.
If you don't if hate you don't like
to be shout at, don't shout at other
people.
You don't like to be abused don't abuse
others. If you want to to comfort be
comfort physically
and mentally comfort the other person physically and
mentally
and emotionally. Therefore
remember Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala watch over you,
over us.
Allah sees what we doing here. Allah sees
us in our homes. Everything been watched. Every
time we curse our spouse, we say bad
words,
be written. Every time we said nice word,
said I love you,
and people think that you tell your spouse
I love you as if it was lumping
haram.
Especially sometimes people come from different culture.
You you never see somebody say I love
you. Brother, I never told my wife I'm
not talking about myself. But someone tell me
I never tell my wife I will love
you. And why why should I tell her
that?
Told other people that you love his wife
publicly.
Said, You Rasulullah. Rasulullah sent Amrulullah asked to
a mission. He sent him to do something
and
so that he's the most beloved man to
Rasool Salam. Said he come to him and
said, You Rasool Allah, who the most beloved
person to you?
Expecting them to say you, Ambrum Al Ask.
He over read it, as you call.
And so as Salam said what, the Sahaba
was sitting, he said Aisha.
He said Aisha the most beloved person to
me.
He Said, oh, I didn't mean that from
men, from the men, not from the woman.
He said, for Abuja, her father,
I love him more. He said, and who
else?
Omar.
Omar asked
said, who else?
I said, Balar Osman.
Who else? But I didn't he gave up.
You know, that's it. You get the message.
You know, it doesn't have to be the
most blunt one to be in center mission.
The, but the fact the point I want
to take from this steam bot
that is
drawing, you know, understanding,
that Rasool Salam said, I love Aisha publicly,
you know. And and maybe in some cases,
he said, I love my wife. Look at
this man, you know.
But,
our children learn from us.
Love
is a learning behavior.
You know that? Not only that feeling, it's
a learning behavior.
If our children see us love each other,
they they start loving us and love one
another.
Shouting and screaming will create animosity in the
household.
Kind words and kind treatments, rewarded
from your spouse in this life,
you
get treatment back,
more likely.
But more importantly,
be rewarded by Allah.
Nothing you do good is not being compensated.
Allah said the Quran
anything that we do good whether we're male
or female, it will not go to waste.
They will do a lot of it for
your own for our own.
People have easy out, divorce
is just easy out. People like to get
divorced quickly.
Loyalty to the marriage is supposed to be
people do their best to stay in marriage.
Okay?
It should be last result.
As I said before, setting an example for
the larger community
as Muslims
in our marriages.
By the way, there's no life with no
challenge. Do you think that every one of
you have any life with no challenge?
You didn't go through any obstacles in your
marriage, in your schooling, in your work?
None of you
have a life free of obstacles.
Anyone have life free of obstacles? Raise your
hand so we can talk to you.
No obstacles?
No challenge?
Challenge and obstacles in marriage
supposed to represent an opportunity.
Say that my wife and I
have a misunderstanding.
That misunderstanding
might evolve to something greater, better,
that we come to know something that we
didn't know before.
You know, use that
as
an opportunity. I'll give you an example.
Ali
had a fight.
Can you imagine that?
Can you imagine Ali
has the fight to Fatima
and Ali
he left home and he started sleeping in
the masjid.
Abu Rasulam called him and said what's happening?
He took Ali or the from his hand
and he took Fatima,
the lower one from her hand.
He said,
show me
where is your bedroom?
They show him the flash,
you have Ali
one side
Fatima in one side,
he took the hand of Fatima
the hand of Ali put them both in
his chest, he put his both hands in
both hands of the both of them.
And he made dua, dua, dua, dua, and
dua, and then he released his hand. And
get up and left.
Spiritual counseling,
heavy dose.
And from whom?
From the one is the Rahmah Al Amin.
He speak mercy, he walk mercy, he talk
mercy,
rahma.
And you got,
you know, that that dose of rahma,
what happened?
Ali
said,
things just,
you know, like you have some cloud,
this
a kind of
ill feelings and
yeah, and
after the session,
it's not like Muhammad Majid,
the couple have to come 3, 4 sessions.
1 session did it.
But
that
that
problem he has with Fatima
represented an opportunity for what? The dua for
Rasulullah.
If it wasn't of that fight, would the
have them have that comfort and holding their
hands and make the dua for he said
he cannot
think of anything, best things happen in his
marriage more than Rasal al bin in his
bedroom
and holding the hand of both of them.
Therefore sometimes
difficulties can bring people together closer to each
other if they think rightly of it. Difficult
time can make people get closer.
Therefore, that's the,
things that I want to,
mention to you here about this. And the
you can read the rest.
Okay? I I talk too much, I I
have to stop because I feel tired now,
seriously of talking.
Read the rest, discuss it with yourself.
Next week, we can talk more about it,
but I would like to meaning the summary,
have the summary.
But I'm gonna tell you this
introduction
to session series session series
of sessions
of session series that we're gonna have every
other Sunday
in Adam Center
and Insha'Allah it meant to improve in our
relationship.
We gonna title it each session will have
a a special title so that you come
with one understanding
rather than have me giving you all of
this summary. But you can read the rest
here. I don't have to elaborate in if
which one of them because otherwise
would be too long session.
Any questions
about this?
Do the exercise
in here. Insha'Allah.
Okay. Now
I want to ask you a question
to just some of this sessions.
What do you think?
The most common problem that lead divorce
leading lead of divorce
in Muslim community.
Yes.
Domestic violence.
Domestic violence.
Not married for the right reasons. Not married
for the right reason.
That's good, guys. You're really hitting the nail
on the head. Yes.
Miscommunication.
What else?
Abuse, is it the most violent abuse?
What else?
Fighting over money.
Take it for granted.
Don't put any effort into it.
Marriage is not a state status,
but it's it's everyday work.
It's not a piece of paper that you
get from the,
Fairfax County, say that you're married. Oh, subhanAllah,
I am.
It's everyday business units. You know, everyday
you wake up in the morning, you are
married.
You know, that means there's certain thing you
have to do as spouse, as husband and
wife.
Other things?
We're gonna pick up a new rahamu madamal.
Okay. What else?
No? Okay. Good.
Yes. No.
That's excellent. Some people believe that if you
get married, you get distracted from fulfilling your
dawah, your deen, or so. Rasool Aslan said,
marriage is half your deen.
No matter what you do, you're walking with
the
half. You know, you need to have another
half. Therefore, you know,
in order for you to increase your your
deen, you need to get married.
And some people think that direct in marriage,
you know, will make you, you know, you
want to live your life, free life, and
those kind of things.
You know, some it is a mistake, by
the way. I think,
getting married as soon as you can is
the best you can do if you can
afford it.
I'm talking to male.
Do
not believe that all the sisters are gonna
wait for you, you are the this and
that. You're gonna miss some opportunities brothers.
Okay? But it is important
for you to think about marriage
and do not think about, you know, some
people make example said, brother
didn't get married. Is not Rasulullah.
I said Rasulullah get married.
You follow Rasulullah.
Don't make me as a model and example.
He get he didn't get married because he
didn't have time to get married, he was
in the prison all the time.
Okay?
Therefore, this kind of examples,
make don't
look anywhere,
Where is my sunnah?
Whoever does other than my sunnah is not
part of me. Period.
They don't apply these kind of things, therefore
it's good things you brought up, because they
need to straighten up the young people,
you know.
And people sometimes afraid to get married.
They They get afraid. Brother, I don't know
what get grow up.
Get married. You are a young you are
a child until you get married.
Don't you don't they don't get scared of
it?
You know, and that's the whole session. By
then, we're gonna do session only for young
people, I'm gonna kick out all the dirty
people and just I'm gonna have a conversation,
a heated conversation, Insha'Allah, with the young people
in that room or downstairs at Adam Center.
We're gonna have a session, what you look
for in a spouse and
is it the time for you to get
married? If it does not, think about it.
Yes? In that session you can separate others.
What? Private guest brothers. Oh, okay. Don't worry
about it. We'll do it in the proper
ways.
Okay?
Maybe next time, inshallah, we'll do this introduction
to Aroof inshallah before the class.