Mirza Yawar Baig – Marriage Advice
AI: Summary ©
The history and importance of Islam are discussed, including the need for healthy relationships and privacy in marriage. The speakers stress the importance of avoiding conflict and seeking permission to go out during the cycle of sexuality. The responsibility of men in protecting their legal rights and privacy is emphasized, along with the importance of avoiding conflict and seeking permission to go out. The speakers also emphasize the need for privacy and respect for sex during the cycle of sexuality.
AI: Summary ©
Bismillah R Rahman r Rahim Al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen wa Salatu was Salam ala Archerfield MBA will mousseline Muhammad Rasool Allah is Allah Haile he write it. He was seldom at the Sleeman cathedral cathedral hummable.
My brothers and sisters
are recording this
short
lecture for some friend of mine who are getting married and I think it's a good reminder of all of us inshallah.
First and foremost, we remind ourselves that we take the right to get married, and all that it comes with the rights and the privileges and the duties and the responsibilities of the husband and the wife from Allah.
Allah subhanaw taala mentioned in Surah Nisa, the first ayat of surah Nisa, Allah subhanaw taala that said, I will be laminate on the regime. Yeah, you are now SUTA Hora como la the Halacha co menacing Wahida were careless I mean has Oh Jaha what does that mean Houma Reja alone regional and cathedral when he said What up Hola. Hola, the dasa Luna IV Wareham in the Lucha con i Li kumara peba. And those are going to tell us aid which means all of humanity, go mankind. Be mindful of your
have Taqwa of Allah, be mindful of your Lord who created you from a single soul from our father and Melissa, and from it from that person from that soul he created its bit and that is our mother, Hawaii salah. And through both of them.
He spread countless men and women.
So Allah subhanaw taala, saying that all of us are created from other Melissa and how are they Sarah?
I don't use Adam and Eve because that is not there. Those are not the names. The name is Adam and Hawaii.
He spread countless men and women. And Allah said and be mindful of Allah have Taqwa of Allah, in whose name you appeal to one another. And honor family ties meaning that you call upon one another, you appeal to one another in the name of Allah. So we take our rights from Allah Subhan Allah and Allah said, in the lagana Alikum la Kiba surely Allah is Ever Watchful over you. So this is a very important
aspect of our
marriage that we need to be very clear about in our lives.
That we take the rights of marriage from Allah subhanaw taala himself. Secondly, to understand that
what Allah subhanaw taala said about marriage, which is a lot of anatella said, when when I had the Halacha Allah co Milan fusuma as Vida it has gone to La Jolla, buena Kuma Wada, tangara. In NaVi Valley Gala. I didn't call me yet Alpha Kuru Allah subhanaw taala said, and from His Signs is that he created from amongst you your mates Wadala Binah Kuma word and he put between liters Kuruvilla, so that you may find tranquility with each other, or gyla by nakoma word that Anwar Rama and he put between you
love and mercy, enough with Alika IRT calm yet have a Koran truly in this, there are Signs for those who reflect.
So Allah subhanaw taala has mentioned three things, first of all, is that the fact that we get married the fact that we have spouses the fact that we have
that we get married to one another is a sign of the Mercy of Allah that He created from amongst us homage, then he said,
so that we find tranquility with with each other. The meaning of tranquility is that from that moment onwards, as for example, I'll use the word sukoon. And it's the same term as that as that which is used for the Halacha for the
accent on the letter in the Arabic language. And of course, it's in many seminary languages, which indicates the way that letter is to be pronounced. So in the Arabic language we call this halacha means a movement. So, it is our E,
three kinds of movements where there is a school there is no movement. So the absence of of there's no hierarchy in that word, in the in that letter.
So so gone is the absence of movement.
away from the spouse from the moment of getting married. So the heart, the eyes, the years the, the, the mind,
the hands and the feet will not move away from the spouse there is total and complete faithfulness and integrity with the spouse and integrity and respect for the
for the marriage.
In Islam, it is not okay to have some other
person as a
you know, as as either the boyfriend or girlfriend is not accepted and not acceptable and it is haram in Islam. You get married to do to your husband or wife and that is it.
It's also a very good idea
to develop this relationship where your husband or your wife is your best friend, your greatest confidant who keeps your competencies. And remember, never violate that.
Telling you're telling your own family, your own mother or your father what your husband or your wife told you is a violation of their trust. Please understand this.
This shouldn't be trust in the marriage there should be complete confidence in each other. Looking at each other's phones and messages is a violation of that trust is a big sign that the marriage is in deep trouble.
Don't do all of the things. So cool. Have Be at peace with each other. Sukwon also means keeping making the marriage home a place of tranquility. If the ship comes off the ocean comes back having been battered by storms into a harbor in which another storm is brewing. That is serious bad news for that worship.
Do not do that. The home is a place of tranquility. Especially the bedroom is a place of tranquility, no quarrels in the bedroom. No arguments in the bedroom. No screens in the bedroom.
Right, complete and total attention to the husband and the wife.
Keep all of that outside the bedroom.
Place of tranquility, tranquility in the heart, tranquility in the hole. The marriage home is not a boxing ring.
It's not a Judo or aikido dojo. This is not your wife or your husband is not your sparring partner.
They are your confidant. They are somebody you have complete and total trust in. Remember, a beautiful marriage is where there are no defenses between the husband and the wife. And that is why every word and everything you say and do will have a huge impact. With others there are defenses. With the husband and wife, there are no defenses, there should be no defenses, there should be the trust that you have must be such that there is no need for defenses.
Point number two, Allah said he put between the two love. Love is different from *.
You're not talking here about *, we're talking about love.
The * that comes out of love with a different kind of *. Here we're not talking about that we're talking about love, love comes out of respect, out of respect for the individual, not for the money they make for the individual, for their ethics for their values
for their behavior.
So make sure that this is something that comes out the best of you comes out before your wife and before your husband.
Respect that value that appreciate that. Talk about that. Show that love
kiss your husband kiss your wife every single day of your life maybe several times a day where at least once
a beautiful marriage is where do you fall in love everyone, every morning when you wake up?
In Islam we grow in love you don't fall in love falling is a bad idea hurts you.
We grow in love. And everyday you grow in love. The longer you stay married, the more you grow in love.
Love is where you have a special secret language for each other. You have special words that only each other is only you understand.
But people almost is like a like extrasensory perception where without speaking, you know what the husband wants you to give it and you know what the wife wanting to give it. You don't have to say anything.
You see this beautiful night of marriage that I've been blessed with, with with my elders who have these beautiful marriages.
There. They didn't sit together and have long conversations because the hearts were connected. The minds were connected. They knew what each other each other was thinking. Sometimes a word was enough. Sometimes even without a word it was enough. But that doesn't mean don't have conversations. I mean you have to do that
shared interest
is very, very important but also very important to have give each other enough space apart.
My wife is an abstract painter, I'm a Philistine.
I write, I speak.
My wife attends my speeches, maybe two times a year
Hamdulillah I have no complaints, you have no complaints hamdulillah
give them space. It's not necessary to have the same interest. It is beautiful if you do have them.
I'm very interested in wildlife are very interested in going out are very interested in wildlife photography and so on. But for my for my why for a line is the line is the line
or elephant is relevant is relevant.
For me, each one has a different personality. I'm deeply interested in those things she's not, it's fine.
So combinators beautiful, not having them also beautiful. Your space or togetherness is the meaning of love.
And then Rama, Allah said Mercy. Mercy is essential for forgiveness and forgiveness is critical to any relationship, including our relationship with God with the last one. It's an absolutely critical requirement in a marriage. Without that no marriage can survive. We need to forgive one another sometimes when people I'm counseling and May Allah save, you know us from reaching that stage.
The one of the spouses or when you see she did that, or when you see by he did that? And I say of course he did that. That's why you need to forgive. Otherwise, what are you forgiving? If it did not tell you there's nothing to forgive? Of course they didn't.
Forgive? We ask a lot of forgive us. Because we can't since we don't say I didn't do it. Yeah, of course I did it but please forgive me because you are the greatest and you are the most forgiving of all of all those who forgive.
We are His slaves, we are His creatures, forgiving each other
and honoring what when before
honoring the way that we treat each other. This is mercy. Now, what are the requirements of a Nikka in Islam?
There are four requirements number one, mutual consent and agreement between the bride and the groom. For this it is essential for the to to meet and to talk to each other. Ask any question you want. When you meet not alone in a room, secluded No. in a public place, either with a chaperone without a chaperone doesn't matter in a public place.
It's not permissible for for a man and a woman to be alone. In in private, without a Nikka without being married.
But in public place, meet ask any question you want satisfy yourself that this is the person you want to marry please understand a marriage is not two people is not two roommates. It's not two housemates. It's not two people living in the same hotel called a house
or a hole. No, it's not. It's a very, very different relationship, the Laker which doesn't exist, it is unique.
So ask any question that you want to ask this person who is your prospective bride or prospective husband?
As the any question you want to ask.
Mutual consent you have to agree.
He or she he have in hand of your mother even she can propose but definitely he
must propose and she must accept. Second one is a legal guardian or what's called a wali
which is usually the bride's father but it can be any of her male relatives. So if the father is for example, the father of the deceased have passed away can be the grandfather, if he's alive can be that can be an uncle can be her.
Her brother, so it's a male relative of the bride on the father's side. So this is this is part of the requirement of of marriage in the in Hanafy Valley is not required, but I believe a while is there Hamdulillah this is very good.
In the other meetups, humbly Maliki and Shafi it is essential without the valley there is no there's nobody where there is no Valley for example, for whatever number of reasons I would I mean, I don't want make a list of them.
Then the ruler, the Khalifa, if there is a Muslim ruler, the ruler is can be the Wali and in the absence of the ruler, it can be the Imam of the masjid or, or the religious leader for that place can be the willie but this is no exception. Ideally, the willie must be the father or one of the main relatives
3/3 requirement is to adult Muslim witnesses,
either two males, or one male and two females. This is also critical. And this is basically to,
to vouch for the fact that there is a marriage taking place that it's not an adulterous relationship and so on. And number four is the man, which is the bridal gift that is given to the bride by the group.
Again, please understand the
the the quantum of the man is not specified, but it must be something which is in keeping with
the financial status of the husband. And ideally it should be paid before the marriage.
It can be deferred, you can pay a part before the marriage and part later, but ideally speaking, before the marriage, and I My advice to the women is, take them out, it is your right, don't fall into this thing of saying, Oh, wow, $1 is enough. And, you know, give me a copy of the Quran, go by the computer, and you don't need to marry the man to get a copy of the Quran.
Deck. And that means money, either in gold, or property or cash. Right? It is your right, don't give it up, take your money. And if you can't pay your man, then you maybe you should be thinking twice about marrying the man, very simple as that. So please be very clear about this. But then there are rights of the husband and the wife. Now again, many new Muslims, they read websites which specialize in Islamic legal rulings, and they and books on Islamic jurisprudence,
I would say stay out of that because first of all, you will probably do not have the overall understanding of law to be able to understand that in you will get stuck on something and that will needlessly destroy your marriage. So don't do that, that the spirit of the law and the and the word of the law are both equally important. It's better to talk to somebody who knows and understands. Now first and most important thing about these rights is to understand the word rights itself now in in many
in the Western way of thinking these to call it rights it's you know, people think oh what this very oppressive it is not in Islam, the marriage is a legal contract, it is legal, it is legally
valid and it is legally enforceable. So, it is very important to understand that and keep that in mind and do not fall into the trap of
treating it less than what as less than what it is it is a legal contract. So so understand that. Second very important thing to understand is that there's no oppression involved, it's like a it is the primacy of responsibility. So, in certain cases, the wife is prime is primary responsibilities. In other cases, the husband is primarily responsible. And therefore it is to understand that primacy and to give the due to the one who's primarily responsible.
These are rights. These are not expectations, like some marriage counselors like to you know, say oh what is expected. But these these are rights they don't do these are legally enforceable, right. So it is important to understand what they are and to fulfill them
in the way that they are meant to be fulfilled.
So the first right as I mentioned is that of man, it's the right of the bride that she should get my hair from the husband. Related to this also is the financial right of the woman in Islam where she is completely and totally.
Totally. She owns the responsibility meaning that she her money is her money. She is totally responsible for that money. She has total control over that money. The husband need not even know how much money she has. So she is permitted to earn she is permitted to she can inherit from her from her from her parents and so on. And what she gets is hers that the husband may not even know so obviously he has no control over it. He cannot direct it. He cannot take it from her. It does not belong to Him no matter how much wealth she has. The reason I'm saying that is because this is very different from for example the in Christianity and especially in medieval times and even now
legally, the waist property belongs to the husband the moment she gets married, everything gets transferred to Islam in this in Islam know her property is our property her money is her money, the husband has nothing to do with it whatsoever.
The will come to what the husband needs to do. Second thing is good treatment. Islam puts a great deal of emphasis on good treatment
On the emphasis on the way the husband must treat the wife, and as soon as other Salam said that the best of you is the one who treats his wives the best, and he did last goodbye in his last sermon, he want people he said, Beware And fear Allah, with respect to those in your control with the women in your control, meaning your wives
in the hallway said, Fear Allah, in regard to the women, you were given them as a trust from Allah and by the word of Allah, they have become lawful for you. So please understand this that very important for us. A wife is a trust. She is your friend, she is your confidant. She's somebody who's worthy of respect she's equal to equal to you in every respect, right? Don't want it to the to the Islamophobic garbage that floats around, but women have no rights in Islam. If you knew what the women in what Islam gives women, believe me every non Muslim woman would become Muslim.
And that is also the if the if the Muslim men give the women their right Islam as given in many men stopped. They don't do that too. Please understand this very clearly. The woman is not your slave. She's not your daughter, she's not your cat. She is your wife. And she is your trust and therefore you respect her and you take care of her and you treat her as she is entitled with it.
Number three financial men maintenance a wife has the right to financial maintenance including food, clothing and shelter. In keeping with your with the husband's financial status, your wife is entitled to cooked food. It is not the duty of the wife to cook the food, clean the house, do your laundry, take care of your mother, take care of your father take care of your cat your dog, no. It is not even her duty to take care of your children which she bore for you. They're your children, you pay for them, you pay for her.
If she cooks your food, if she cleans the house, if she takes care of you and your parents and so on and so forth. She is doing you a favor, you pray for her you make dua for are you thank Allah subhanaw taala that he gave you a wife do not consider that to be her duty, it is not her duty. It is your duty on the other hand, to ensure that she has food cooked food, right? Believe me, this is her right? If she is cooking the food, she is doing your favor. So her right is that she must have cooked food, she must have clothing in keeping with the with your and her status, she must have a house which is comfortable in keeping with your status.
Even if listen carefully, even if she is far wealthier in herself in her own right than you. She still has the right and it is your duty as a husband to provide that to her. Number two, it is not it is not it is not her duty to contribute to running the house. It is not her duty to contribute to the expenses of running the family. If she does it, she is doing you a favor be thankful for that.
So it is not for the Muslim woman to declare what she's earning. It is not for the Muslim man to ask for that is not for the most it is against our order and status as a husband, to take money from the wife.
Never ever do that. If you take it you're responsible to Allah and Allah will punish you if you if you force her.
As far as the taking care in many cases, elderly parents stay with the husband and wife the wife takes care of your parents and Hamdulillah we applaud that we praise that. It is something that we recommend that the young must take care of the old, the husband must take care of the wise parents the wise but they can love their parents. But if they don't do that, there is no sin on them whatsoever. It is your job as the husband to take care of your parents who does her job take care of her parents. And if she needs help to take care of her parents, if she needs time to go and visit them. It's also you must allow that to happen. Number four, protection a husband must protect his
wife, including physical and emotional well being in any form, shape or form that might take
not not the rights of the husband or the wife. Obedience. And please understand this again. People think in the West is a totally alien concept. The woman obeying the man we don't even use this word with all this is control and this is this is a toxic masculinity. No it is not. No it is not. This is like think of it as an organization which has a CEO
If you obey the CEO, this is not called toxic masculinity. It is not called, you know toxic control. No, it is not. This is how efficient organization runs. As I said to you in Islam, a marriage is a legal contract. When there is mutual consent in the Nica, the husband and the wife are agreeing and they're signing on the dotted line, as far as the legal contract is concerned. And on a side note, please understand that the wife has a right to have a pre marital contract written up. And in that pre marital contract, she can write anything she wants, including my husband must give me breakfast in bed every morning. And if you as the husband are stupid enough to sign that, then you are legally
valid, legally bound, you're legally bound to give that and if you don't give that then she can take you to court. And if you think I'm exaggerating, I'm not there is an act. There's a case in India, in the 1930s, where this exact thing was brought up before the judge, the judge ruled in favor of the woman who ruled in favor of the wife. Right? So please understand, this is not there's not fun and games a marriage a very serious matter. So it's a legal contract that man the woman can write into, for example, in the in the premarital contract that the husband will not marry a second woman because Islam gives the man the right to have four wives, the woman get right into the contract to
say that he is not allowed, she will not allow him to marry for a second time. And if if he does, then our marriage, his marriage with her stands nullified. So you can write this. I'm not saying she should write that you should not write that. Because if Allah has given the matter, right, whether he does it or not, is a different thing. And if the marriage is good, it will not happen. But that's a different discussion. We're here we're talking about her legal right. So obeyed obedience here means that she is
she is that it means that in the in the in the marriage home, the husband has the final decision making authority and the woman the wife will honor that. That decision now
also relies on Salem, the Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him. He said that if a woman offers or five daily prayers, fast the month of Rosa guards are chastity and obey as a husband, it will be said to her on the day of judgment, and through any gate of paradise that you wish. And this isn't him to have been enter through any gate of Jannah as you wish. So the obedience wife will be obeying and husband is not as not like a slave or being a master is not like a server, she is a free woman, she's not a slave. It means that the husband cannot abuse his authority over the wife and act like a tyrant he cannot do that. He must remember that he is a slave of Allah, and will be questioned about
how he treats his wife.
Third, husband must conduct the affairs of the family with mutual consultation with his wife. But in the end, it is his decision. So she can't blame him. She can he can't blame her. For the decision. It's but you must consult because it was very stupid not to consult with your wife and of course if you have adult children, you must consult with them as well.
The wife must not object to the decision making authority and recognize that as I said, like any CEO, this is the husband is the CEO of this family. And therefore he has the right to take the decision and this is something which Allah has given.
Allah said regional power Munna Allah Nisa, the result the men have authority over the women. So please understand that in Islam, there is no equality there is equal responsibility, there is equity, to make to, for example, to to if you have, we talked about the level playing field, but in a level playing field, if you're if you put a tiger against a mouse, the tiger will always win. So there's no equality there. The here Islam, each person, the husband and the wife are given responsibilities for which they are primarily responsible. So the prime the primary responsibilities of the husband, is what I'm talking about. Then protecting the, the the doll for the woman
protecting the honor and dignity of the husband, as well as a result of said the wife is the guardian over the house of her husband and always children. And therefore, her primary responsibility is not to earn a living is not anything it is to raise children who are raised upon Islamic values to raise good ethical, moral, responsible children who are a benefit for society and who are
standard bearers of Islam.
Then also the
duty of the woman is that she must not leave the house without the husband's permission. As soon as Anna Salam said, if the wife of any of you should ask permission to go to the boss do not stop, do not prevent. This does not mean when we say She must not leave the house without asking permission, it does not mean that every time she needs to go, she must come and ask, can I go? No. This is a general rule to say that she must not just disappear one day he comes home and finds where we have no clue where she's got no, there has to be an understanding between the two years, of course, you're welcome, go wherever you like, and so on. And so what you have that kind of arrangement,
there is no problem. This is just to minimize the conflict.
And not to do that. And as far as going to the mosque is concerned, she does not need his permission, she can even go without that, because the province doesn't have given that permission. But ideally speaking, wherever she wants to go, including to her parents place shopping, wherever you want to meet a friend, let your husband know and seek his permission. If your husband does not like you to go to someplace, then do not go there. That is the meaning of saying seek permission doesn't mean you keep going asking every time No, it means that especially if you know your husband doesn't want you to meet some people doesn't like like you to go to someplace, then reserve that
between the two of you and come to a settlement. But if he if he still does not like you to meet, some people go to someplace that do not go, if you do that you will be violating the law of his law. Then the third thing, a third of what I've forgotten, the number doesn't matter is not allowing anyone to enter your house without his permission. Now, again, this does not mean everyone died, the permission has to be sought, it means that don't allow somebody he disapproves off or somebody does not that he does not like to come to your house. Right. Most of us never have these issues. But it is good to know what the law says about the matter. So if there is somebody that your husband
doesn't like, do not allow them to come into your house, taking care of his property, take care of the house, take care of the children, this is the primary responsibility final thing is
concealing bedroom secrets is very important. We live in a world where we talk about everything everything is on Facebook, this is completely haram in Islam to put anything private onto Facebook on the internet to talk about things which should be private is haram. It is highly undignified It is disgusting, it must never be done, but it seems since we seem to live in this kind of ridiculous culture, I think it is important for me to to mention that you know more clearly. So, do not fall into this trap of especially bedroom you know in terms of * life and so on so forth. Do not talk about that in public, it's very common in this culture. People talk about this all the time this is
social conversation please not with Muslims.
respect each other's privacy in this regard. Sexual * is the right that each person in the husband has over the wife and the wife has over the husband.
And that is the right that Allah subhanaw taala gave
in this context also very clearly, sorry to be explicit, but this was this must be said vaginal * is prohibited during the menstrual cycle, and postnatal breed bleeding and * * is severely prohibited at all times. There is no such thing in Islam. Right? Because many times people fall into and the reason is that there are many people including Muslims who are addicted to *, which is haram. And they see all of this garbage on * and they want to try that in their bedroom. Please do not do that. In Islam, even as far as * sexual * is concerned, there is dignity. This is a religion of dignity. We live with dignity, we
treat each other with dignity. And therefore this is something which must be respected. And of course most welcome if anyone has any questions. So please ask whatever you'd like to ask. We ask Allah subhanaw taala to help us to live our life in a way which is pleasing to Him.
And in and which is a source of beauty and harmony and dignity. For us was Salah Hassan Abdul Karim while he was abused maybe