Marriage – 3 Do’ s & 3 Don’ts

Properly hamdulillah wa salatu salam ala Rasulillah. But

I want to begin by saying a couple of things. One is that

a marriage is as good or as bad as you want to make it. As simple as that. Right?

It sounds very simplistic, but that is the reality, it's as good or as bad as you want to make it.

Now, most people don't consciously think of it like that. I mean, you might say, well, you know, why would I want to make my marriage bad? Obviously, you don't. Anyone who was getting married will doesn't want to make it bad, but it happens.

So that is why it's important to think about. Now, second thing is, as far as marriage counseling is concerned, and you need to when you when you look at the course also,

even the title if it save your marriage before,

what does it save your marriage?

before it starts, okay. So the focus is on saving your marriage. Now, I'm not criticizing the course, I'm saying from my perspective, as I'm a behavioral scientist,

that is my, you know, so called PhD on behavioral science. And one of the one of the things that I that we talk about is the effect of language and the effect of words, the moment you say, Save, what does it mean?

It is in trouble.

No, I mean, what what you can say something which is not in trouble, save means it is in trouble. So you're saying save it before you get married. So I don't know about this course. But when you are taking the course keep an eye open for that is the focus more on what to do if things go wrong, rather than how to build it and make it the most beautiful thing in life.

Two extremes of design. Now, I'm not saying there's anything wrong in looking at what to do if things go wrong. Of course, you should know this. I mean, there's no no harm in that. Right What to do if things go wrong. But think about this, if you sit in your car, you're going for a drive. And he's now start thinking of all the different things that can go wrong. And let me prepare for that. So starting with the seatbelt, very good. So where to wear a seatbelt, but after that this might happen that might happen. You know, this may go wrong, that may go Believe me, if you think about their long enough, you will say best thing to do take off the seatbelt, or the car, go back home,

don't even Don't even start this car, because so many things can go wrong. That you know, what's the point even in dry? So be focused on how to make it a very beautiful experience for both of you.

And then May Allah give you lots and lots of children for all of those children's, right? So the point here is instead of by always think about what what not to do, that's important, but many times what happens is that with the best of intentions, we start on things which will be digging within quotes a negative view

to begin with, if this goes wrong, I should if there's no look at the positivity of it, it's the most beautiful experience, it's the most beautiful thing that can happen to you Alhamdulillah, may Allah subhanaw taala make it like that for you Insha Allah, so focus on that, right. Now, I

I wrote a little thing for this, this meeting of ours. So let me

tell you about that. I call this

when people come to me about marriage, about marriages and so on and monetize people, you know, like you heard them before you get married, and also later on people come. So the first thing I asked them is, do you want to remain happily married or not? So answer that question. And that is a question to be seriously answer. Right? You might sound like a dumb question or a dubious question or Yeah, of course, no, no, no, of course consciously. Think about that. Do I want to remain happily married or not?

Now, the answer is yes, Inshallah, the answer is yes. Then I say don't do three things and do three things. So, three things not to do and three things to do. So, what are the three things that you should not do? Number one, don't collect garbage.

Right I call this thing do not collect garbage. Now, what is garbage? Have a selective memory. consciously remember only the good and consciously forget all the bad

and why must you not collect garbage because garbage stinks. And only you will smell it.

It is a given Believe me it is a given that in any marriage, in any in any relationship with a man or whether it is man

Whether it is employment, whether it be anything right, there is going to be always there will be some things which are good and they will there will be something which are not good. This is human nature. Allah subhanaw taala did not create us as creators perfect take us on life and asylum, the most perfect of human beings.

His wives,

Allah subhanaw taala reveal Quran about this. Right so to Lhasa, Allah subhanaw taala revealed Quran and last month I said, if you do not like to be married to by Nabil, I will ask him to separate from you and I will give him better than you.

So within quotes, they had whatever they had problems with him salaallah Anissa we know that we know the story for the Zerah were also was an asylum literally separated himself he went off and into another room and isolated himself say that I belong or the Alana was told nobody must come here. And then these rumors spread and people in Medina they said Hassan Hassan has divorced his wife, Susanna Alonso because his his daughter Hafsa was one of his wives. So he came running to Him and He will then tell the village No, nobody is allowed inside.

He said No, please tell him that. You know I'm here. So say that a beloved said to him, yes. Hola. Over there Hatha was here, which was an absurd call if he came in. He said, Yasser Allah I have only one question. Have you divorced your wife's Rasulullah sallallahu sallam said no, he said Alhamdulillah.

And then the rest of the story. My point I'm making is that no matter how wonderful you will be Hamza is and I know Hamza, Mashallah. As far as I told your mom, I said, give him give him that permission, he refused. So, you know,

you ask if you have other children,

when she loves you very much, like, why aren't you on the hook? And so, and then Father, I'm sure I'm sure mashallah, you are a beautiful person. The point is, no matter how good somebody is, there will be things, which observer will say or do or whatever will say and do, which either of you when it happens, you will not like it. Now, you have a choice, you can remember that you can stockpile that you can keep it, you can save it, and then every once in a while, you know, you can smell it, it makes no sense. You know, the example I always give, I say, supposing you are riding a bike right now is big. Harley Davidson Dora,

and you're going on a highway and in front of you, there's a garbage truck. And as you're riding the bike, a piece of garbage, very smelly, stinky, wet, flies off and hits you here on your jacket. So what do you do? I mean, right, then you will not do anything, because you are on the highway, going 70 miles an hour or something, but you will pull into the first you know, gas station or whatnot, you find and you will wash it off and you will clean this right. Now, suppose I got supposing you don't do that. Instead of that. You keep it there you even rub it in. So make sure it stays there. And then every once in a while you smell it. It's Hey Ash stuff, then there's a lot if you're doing

if you're doing that you would say this insane. I mean, why are you carrying that piece of garbage on your shirt?

Get rid of it, you're you're insane. If you keep that and you keep smelling it? Of course it will stick garbage is supposed to stink. What else do you think about what what else do you think it will do? The same thing people do in marriages. The wife said something the husband said something.

Whatever happened, you stockpile it. And then sometimes we see in some with some people even years later, right months later, years later, or That day you said this in this place in alila. When Leila hodgen.

So do not collect garbage. Number one, immediately. Not just forgive but forget why weed out from your memory. But keep the good stuff.

And remember, the good stuff is not some major, you know,

some bigger event, small things. what somebody said to you what your wife said to you what your husband said to you a little bit small little things. Those are very, very important. So number one not to do, don't collect garbage. Number two not to do don't try to mold or change or sculpt or remodel or reframe or reward ever or you know retrofit right or re engineer your wife or your husband.

Don't do that.

Many people get into this, right? Very simple. If you did not like what you saw. Why did you get married in the first place?

If you liked what you saw

Why do you want to change it for what your spouse, husband or wife is not a rock, he or she is not a lump of clay, he or she is not a patient in your hospital

that he's not your client for counseling or, or or you know, retrofitting their mind. They didn't marry you to be changed.

So if there is something that doesn't fit, change yourself. So change yourself to like the very simple you married them because you like them leave them alone.

The only

thing which I see here is that if your husband or wife does something which is haram, Inshallah, in your case, this will not happen. But if they do something which is haram, if they do something which Allah subhanaw taala is bribing and for example, sometimes we find that when Muslims suddenly one day for whatever reason the person stopped praying, they do not get up for Salah, no, that is something that he was working on. Excuse me, please get up. This is this is time for Salah, get up, pray, pray your your Salah on time. If you can go to the budget go to the masjid. Right. As long as what they are doing is not haram in Islam, leave them alone.

Give them space, let them be the way they want. If they want to, for example, it many times the one of the big issues with with marriages is that one person is extroverted, the other person is introverted. The extroverted person wants to go to this party that party meaning weddings and this and that, you know, in our we are big families we have all kinds of gatherings are handled that is good, it is good to participate. But

if the other one really doesn't want to go, don't drag them there.

Do not drag them there. Don't show but you know what will people say people will say nothing people will look at the the quality of the food, they don't care about whether you brought your wife or you brought your husband or not.

In any case, most of our things, they're segregated so they won't even know who came and who didn't come.

So very, very important. Do not do that. Right. Don't try to change the person you marry. Number three, do not criticize.

Because nagging never works. I always say if you wanted a nag you would have married a horse.

Right? If she wanted an axe, you would have married a horse. So forgive and seek forgiveness. Don't do not nag. Don't Don't Don't go on and on and on about some things. As I told you, the only thing to worry about is if they are doing something haram if they're not doing something which is haram leaves, forgive and seek forgiveness. And believe me nothing works like Sorry.

And why would you say sorry because we want Allah subhanaw taala to forgive us. In Surah Noor Allah subhanaw taala revealed the ayat Allah said Don't you want Allah to forgive you? So forgive them and who is will this is this is revealed about somebody who made a false accusation on say the ICD currently Alana,

the man who was related to our workers today

because he got obviously he got upset. So he got he canceled the allowance that used to give him and Allah revealed Quran and said, Allah has blessed you, and don't you want Allah subhanaw taala

to forgive you, so forgive that person.

So, three things not to do do not collect garbage, do not try to mold or change your spouse and do not criticize, right? I always say if the if your husband or wife is good, make sugar, thank Allah subhana that if they are giving you difficulties and trouble, make some work. And Allah Subhana Allah Maha Sabreen Allah said he is with the people who have who have some. So alhamdulillah Now obviously, if you are one of you, if you are the one who is making the other one have somebody then you should think why am I doing that? So that's the other thing. Now three things to do. Number one, laugh.

There is nothing which is good in our marriage, as good as good humor. Laugh with each other, not at each other. Right? Making fun of your spouse. before other people sometimes people think this is very cute. It's not cute. It is a extremely, extremely stupid thing to do. And it is something which

which has never been done. It's a degrading thing. If you are laughing at your spouse in front of other people, you are demeaning yourself as simple as that. But laugh with each other. Enjoy yourself right sense of humor is like is like a you need that to remain alive. Laugh especially when you're having problems laugh at yourself or marrying someone who's so irritating. Right and you thought you were clever. Without could have made such a stupid mistake. Right and have a big laugh and laugh because she was so stupid that she married you.

Right. So couples who can love together

Stay together, couples who play together stay together, couples who pray together stay together.

So number one laugh number two thank thank your spouse because there is no thanking Allah subhanaw taala without thanking the people, as soon as Allison observed this, he said that the one who has not thanked the people has not thanked them. So thank them for all the so called small things. And you will know this value of those small things when one day they are not there.

They may Allah may Allah protect you and give you a long and healthy life. But you know, this is for all of us, right? So one day when the person is not there, then you remember all the small things we remember and appreciate those small things when they are still there.

So tag this right and pray together. Rosaura, Salah Salem is dua if you want the DUA really salaam you know he who you know who he prayed for. He said May Allah bless the man who wakes up for the Hajj and wakes up his wife. And if she does not wake up his sprinkled water on a fish. And he said May Allah bless the woman who wakes up for the Hajj and prays and wakes up our husband and if he does not wake up, she sprinkles water on her face.

On his face, right? So praying together, very, very important. People who love together, people who pray together, people who play together, people who enjoy things together, togetherness, because your wife and your husband are your best friend, From this day onwards is not everybody else. Many people especially the men, they get married, they come home to eat, and then they go and hang out with their friends. Your home is not it's not a hotel, it's not a restaurant, you don't go there to eat. You go there to spend time with your wife and you and she comes home to spend time with you. So being together as the best of friends. The third one is show your love

demonstrate your affection

right your husband or your wife is not your they are not mind reader's and even if they are mind reader's they still like to see it so show it and my theory is do it at least three times a day.

Right.

And I told you I've been married 100 Now for 38 years I should know

at least it's

the best thing is do it after every Salah you don't do it.

Very, very important to show your affection. And sometimes people say you know why do I need to say to the why was to say I love you all the time. Don't say I love you say it in whichever way you want. Right? But the point is think about this

many times, especially the men the men said or done Doesn't she know already. So I asked them Muslims ask them a question. I said Allah subhanaw taala said Allah insha Khartoum law as either Nico, the one who was grateful to me, I will increase my blessing. So is Does Allah not know if you're grateful or not? So why is he telling you be sure Show your gratitude, because it is about myself. It's not about whether they know or not. My gratitude, I must show it, I must demonstrate that.

So show that every single day, right five times a day, three times a day, every day must not pass when you have not kissed your wife and she has not kissed you or they must not pass when you have not hugged your wife and your wife is not.

Absolutely that last two. So I said three things to not to do and three things to do. What are the three things not to do? Do not collect garbage? Do not try to mourn or change or sculpt or retrofit or reengineer and number three is do not criticize what are the three things to do laugh and play and pray together tank frequently not just once in a happy world you know? And third one is show your love many times every day. Again, not once in a lifetime. Not on not on your marriage anniversary every single day many times now I'll give you two more things as a bonus.

Number one, say yes as much as possible.

And for that my principle is sale no only two things which are against the Sharia.

Everything else is yes.

Number two, smile a lot. Right? Your wife should not need to take you to the dentist to see your teeth and vice versa show your teeth right i mean I'm saying no use but you are always vital not by salah. But give that kid a smile a lot. And number three, keep your mouth shut especially if you are happy if you are angry.

Especially if you are angry, Deborah.

Because no matter how angry you are until you say nothing will happen.

bad stuff happens only because you speak bad stuff does not happen if you are angry inside. So stay angry inside

I if you can't if you literally cannot keep your mouth shut, go away.

Go outside, sit under a tree shouted the dog whatnot but in at home, keep your mouth shut, especially if you are angry. And remember that and remember that pervert happiness is only in Jannah

Allah, Allah created his world as a place of a test. So this is a test hamdulillah right and finally, give her your checkbook

and this is to answer seriously give

I'm not knocking the day we got married 38 years ago I told my wife here's a checkbook in my bank account and practically nothing anyway but no but I said here's a checkbook it is yours to manage. If you if you spend everything then we both fast until the next payday because there is no money right?

And also the thing that I think is very true is if you need more ask Allah because he's the one to give right? I don't give it and so whatever is there if it is not enough ask Allah subhanaw taala to handle

and here's what she does she never never asked me for anything.

If she needs something she asked Allah subhanaw taala it comes

make her the Authorized signatory in the bank and live happily ever after Simple as that

maximum problem happened marriages because of money

you think you are giving she's not happy all kinds of no you to this then you are the authorizing the bank here's the money do what you want. I want to give somebody to my parents they are in need please go ahead I want to give money to somebody who's in need I want to buy you know the the Jacob diamond I want to buy the coin or the rod or the Queen's got a queen's crown Nora

series give your wife your checkbook Now remember I'm not telling you why I give you her checkbook because that's not a problem.

The wife is your problem without problem in a bad way problem in a good way meaning you are supposed to support her even if she is a you know

the the richest woman in the world she doesn't have to give you a cent right even if she's done what is not he is his daughter No no no

that's not a bad idea.

But

then we get her to read all the love everything as well there's

nothing

so Anyway, point being that no matter how well this is it's not her responsibility to run the house. It's not her responsibility to take care of the kittens also. So give her the money and amarilla

she's an intelligent woman and she will do and how do I even say well how do you know that but she married you so has to be interested All right. So

so give her the money inshallah she will do a brilliant job and you will be very happy because problem are you start with this Thursday.

She's not getting enough she's not satisfied and so on and so on. Never just give it to her and finished. Right. And remember, all of what I said applies to both spice that's by plural for Spouse. That's why they call the marriage the spice of life.

So

so this is why

marriage advice and I will also send you these notes since I wrote up all this stuff, so you don't have to remember all this. But do take a look at it inshallah. And I hope that this will be beneficial do

insha Allah and may Allah subhanaw taala

give you the best of the best and make you very, very happy inshallah.