Mirza Yawar Baig – Living Islam – Marriage, Making and Living it #11
AI: Summary ©
The importance of language in shaping behavior and culture is discussed, including the generation gap in marriage and the negative impact of parents' actions on children. The speaker emphasizes the need for respect and love in relationships, avoiding friction, and working together for a long period of time. The success of marriage is also highlighted, including the importance of respecting private moments and not mixing up personal boundaries.
AI: Summary ©
Bismillahirrahmanirrahim hamdulillah he'll be on Amin salatu salam, ala Shafi Don't be silly. Muhammad Rasul Allah is Allah Allah Hara he was happy he was when he was a reality by celebrating he Baraka seldom at the Sleeman, Kathira and cathedra, my Babu,
my brothers and sisters, we are in our session on leaving Islam, we are talking about marriages,
how to make a marriage and how to live that marriage.
One of the, I want to begin with something very important, which is very often we
hear this statement and I mentioned these things I mentioned what we hear because language reflects what's in the heart language reflects beliefs and attitudes and language molds, beliefs and attitudes.
What we say reflects what is inside us and if you consciously choose to change our language, then what is inside us also changes
that is a very well known principle in psychology.
If you for example, if you develop the language of thankfulness, if you always focus on what is good around you, and you are thankful for it, and you express this in language you actually say, so, Hannah, look at this beautiful color of so many leaves that are on the ground today.
Instead of saying oh my god, look at his trash, how untidy and dirty it is, all this dry leaf, when is it when is somebody going to come and vacuum all these are same seen two different ways of expressing what you are seeing, both are truthful. And both will affect what happens on the heart.
One will make you happy, the other one will make you unhappy, irritated, dissatisfied.
Now, the same thing applies throughout.
And especially in marriages, I want you to understand one thing very clearly, which is that for two people, for a man and a woman
to be married,
and to be committed in a relationship
for the whole of their lives. That is the intention right when you get married, that you are going to be married to the same man and disabled woman and this is going to be until death does as part whether we use that term or not in Islam, we don't use that term. But that is the intention you know, you're not getting married to get divorced in five years. Actually, if you enter into a marriage with a clear
time when you will exit this marriage, which is what the motto marriages are, which is you get married for married for three weeks, you get married for two weeks. In Islam, this is haram This is considered prostitution because you are using that woman for your pleasure. You happen to be in like it's like having an old as it as they used to say about sailors have old I don't know if modern day sailors follow the same glorious tradition, but they used to say that a sailor had
a wife in each port right. So,
just getting married to a to a woman just for convenience, because you are living in that place for us for a short while, you get married to her for three months, three years whatever it was, but specific time you know this both of you know this and you enter into this marriage this is not possible in Islam, because it is haram you that marriage itself you cannot enter into that marriage because that is not called a marriage.
Muhtar marriages are haram
in Islam because they violate women's rights of dignity and a woman's right to have a life which is with commitment from her husband. Now, therefore, when you are entering into a marriage, you are entering into it with the with the understanding that this is a relationship of mine and I'm going to be with the same woman for the rest of my life. Believe me, whether you like it or not, this is unnatural.
It is not natural.
The net the natural thing is for a person to have multiple partners throughout their life.
Right. This is what mammals do. multiple partners throughout their lives.
But as I said before, to be civilized is to do that which does not come naturally. Because it is better because it is more dignified because it is more just unfair because
It has more pleasure with Allah subhanaw taala.
So when I'm saying it's unnatural, I'm not criticizing it, I'm saying that this is something which is, which we will understand, it won't happen naturally. So, therefore, these two people are living together,
then they must do something to ensure that the the zest, the beauty, the pleasure, the comfort
in the marriage continues and remains and inshallah with the will of Allah subhanaw taala increases
as we
as you grow older together.
And this is eminently doable. This is not impossible, this is eminently doable. But like anything else, it won't happen on its own.
It takes effort.
And the reason it takes effort is because of a concept, which is called relatedness as being as different from relationship relationship, or it's a kind of relationship. But relatedness is the is the is the way in which you continue in a long term relationship,
despite the fact that what led to that relationship initially, changes sometimes changes beyond revenue recognition over the years.
To give you another example, To illustrate this, let me give another example of relatedness and where it, where it
succeeds and where it fails. And that is our relationship with our children.
What is the generation gap, the generation gap is the inability
to have relatedness,
the inability to continue to relate to the child as the child grows, and the
needs of the child change, the psychology of the child changes, the maturity of the child changes, the abilities of the child changes,
abilities of the child change,
all of these things change.
where parents are able to respect that where parents are able to
adjust to that and continue to be related, there is no generation gap.
But where parents somewhere lose track of this.
And when they are seeing their 40 year old or 30 year old, the turmoil at that age actually is the teenagers teenage years.
You're seeing your 16 year old, your 18 year old, and you're still treating them the same way that used to treat them
with love and affection
with love and affection, but you're treating them the same way that you used to treat them when they were five years old and six years old, eight years old. That is where the generation gap comes and it expands.
Is not that you don't love them anymore. You still love them. But you love them the way you love them when they were eight and nine years old. Today they are 18. And it
is not the same human being.
I remember reading somewhere many many years ago that the whole body all the body cells, they die and new cells are formed. And this entire thing.
Every seven years
it is renewed, match all the cells die and new cells. So every seven years you are a new human being.
The only thing it doesn't refer doesn't, which isn't the only cells which are not affected are the neurons, which are in the brain and the heart, otherwise, everything else is new, including the bones.
So quite literally, I mean, I don't know if this theory is true or not, that the doctors and scientists tell you what it said. Anyway, psychologically speaking, this is definitely true.
That you are looking at a different human being
the one that was eight or nine years old, is not the same one, which is aging and it is not the same one which is 29 and 13, not the same one which is 39 and 40. And so on.
Different human being.
It is the holder of Allah subhanho data,
that you still recognize them because features don't change. They don't change remarkably when they change to some extent. Obviously they do change, but not remarkably not it doesn't become unrecognizable. If you look at if you compare photos, photographs taken over decades, you can still spot the person's oh there that's the person
but you can
See how remarkably people change.
The problem is that the way we relate doesn't change. Now the same thing applies to marriages. So you married, when you got married, you were in your 20s A
couple of years earlier a couple of years later, but roughly that is the age
that we generally get married at.
And as you grow, you are now in your 40s You are now in your 50s You are now in your 60s
it's not the same person
it's a different person.
Women actually as far as their BMS is concerned as far as the changes in the psychology is concerned.
The changes in hormonal changes which happen women as they grow older apart, when they when they reach menopause and older, they actually get a lot of male characteristics
some physical including beard and mustaches. You don't get it like mine, but you know, they do good, but they become more you know, bossy, more aggressive.
In some cases, you might say, well, you know, I mean, we are already at the peak how what is bigger Do you just live long enough
so I sometimes you know, my wife, my wife wants to be she said, we get we get more bossy so I said that made me you know, same * marriages are not permitted Have you become a man I'm already a man
change changes happen,
changes happen your your body you become weaker, you become you know, body starts painting more, and may Allah protect us from
that May Allah protect us from from being dependent on anyone other than Him Danijela.
So, the way we relate in the 20s, the relationship is a lot more physical than psychological.
In 40s 50s,
the relationship is much more psychological, much more has to be in terms of temperaments, taking care of each other emotionally, understanding each other's stresses.
Many people don't understand many women, for example, who don't work,
do not understand the mental stress that the husband has
day in and day out.
And it's easy to pass it on they have to occur on layers, of course, we should have to occur unless we try our best.
But Allah is the One who created his dunya Allah is the One who who created the situation Allah is the One who created the you know, our ability to deal with it. Yes, we must have the Quran was Martha. Some do, some don't. Some are weak. So what
they need support.
Day in and day out.
There is a there's a film running in the back of the mind of the man, which is concerned for the family, because then we're the wife concern for the children.
And in some cases, I have relatives who are in their late 80s
who are still worried and concerned about their children who have grandchildren.
Now, one way of looking at it, it's ridiculous. Right? It's complete nonsense.
We should forget it. I mean, why why are you bothered about that? So called child of yours who's in his 60s, he's got grandchildren for God's sake.
But ask the heart of a mother as the heart of a father.
It's not logic
it is not logic.
Allah subhanaw taala put it there
and therefore that must be
respected.
And you have to honor that.
So
this issue of compatibility
we tend to look at it from our perspective is so and so compatible to me. My submission is look at it from the from the perspective of what must I do to continue to be compatible?
I mean, ask us if you got married because you were compatible, right? I mean, you didn't get married to somebody were completely non compatible with the first minute you met him in the military matter. He said law what else
This is shaitan All right, total, nothing, there's absolutely nothing in common, you wouldn't have gotten married.
That did not happen
that did not happen you like something you are expected something that is why respecting is, in my view respecting is more important than loving.
Because out of respect comes love.
Love that comes out respected like you're loving a dog or something. I mean, you know, you don't respect the dog, but he loved the dog.
I mean, hopefully your husband or wife is,
is slightly better than that.
So respect has to come before
and out of that respect comes love.
And this love the way it is expressed changes with age changes with time.
And where it works is beautiful.
Absolutely.
The respect the love, you don't have to say, it doesn't have to be it has to be expressed, but not necessarily in so many words I love you is not
you know, Valentine's Day cards. All of this is not required.
But it must be expressed.
I keep on mentioning my grandparents Melis. rotherfield, they're covered with no and give them Jonathan for those without visa. I mean, 50 years later, I still remember my grandmother, my grandfather, the way their relationship was similar.
And we come from a culture where we are not demonstrative. I mean, we don't, you know, hug each other in public or kiss each other in public or something.
I never even I mean, I've done out trying to recall it in the years that I lived with them either as a child I lived, we all lived in their house, we lived there.
I never even saw my grandfather or my grandmother touching each other's hands, forget about it.
But the concern for each other love for each other, the respect for each other.
This was so so, so clearly evident.
There are beautiful, beautiful match.
And 100.
So we are under a good, you know, examples that we see in our lives. My parents in law, my wife's mother and father.
May Allah grant Angelica for those
such concerned for such love for each other such respect for each other.
Throughout. I mean, I've been married now for 36 years, long enough to see, to see two people together.
The point I want to make in all of this is
this will not happen automatically.
This will not happen automatically. I didn't have a hard word talk either with my grandparents or with my parents in lock. Asking them you know, did you have any troubles in your marriage? Did you have any ups and downs, I'm just saying every human being every marriage, I'm sure 100% There would have been things in their marriages which were up and down. There would have been places where they disagreed with each other, they would have been places with but none of that
poison the relationship because the relationship was based on this solid foundation of respect for one another, and love for one another. So sure you disagree or disagree.
You don't have to agree on everything.
So the term you always hear, okay, what does? How can the husband make the wife happy? How can the wife make the husband happy? Nobody can make anybody anything.
Nobody can make anybody anything.
We choose what emotions we want to feel and what we want to express and how we want to express them.
The same thing, anger someone and it makes somebody else laugh.
Same behavior.
It's up to us.
So instead of saying how can somebody make you think about how can I be happy. If you decide to be happy, nobody can unmake that. And if you decide to be miserable, nobody can unmake that, that you're conducting your country. Decide you decide what you want.
You want to be miserable boy.
You want to be happy. Go ahead.
The other day, we are talking now of course about how much involvement should parents have in the marriage of their children. And I mentioned last time also I'm saying it again.
How much involvement should parents have in the marriage of their children?
My answer is zero.
No involvement at all.
That doesn't mean don't be concerned about the beam, by all means be concerned about them. No problem, I'm talking about the relationship between your son and his wife, or your daughter and husband.
What should be your relationship in that?
In that relationship, nothing. Zero.
Ask yourself, are the adults when you got them married, when they got married, were the adults, if they were if they were not adult, then you made a mistake. There's no child marriage in Islam. So if they were adults, leave them alone.
Like any relationship, it takes the two working together for that relationship, to mature for that relationship to become solid and strong.
And that working together process sometimes has friction.
Friction produces heat.
Heat is unpleasant.
And so they complain.
A friend of mine
called me the other day and he said my daughter called me and said that my mother in law is
troubling me advising me what not what?
whatsoever.
So I told him, first of all, tell her what she should not and which is to call you.
Tell her that unless there is physical violence, unless the mother in law, your husband or somebody beating you up, then please call and call 911 Before you call me.
But unless there is a physical, whether it is physical violence, please don't call deal with it. You are an addict.
So you accepted it. I said, How should you deal with it? I said, I'll tell you.
But I'm not sure whether your daughter will accept that. Until he said what I said take your tell her to take her mother in law to Macy's
or to Bloomingdale's?
Right? I upmarket store, take her there
and buy her a nice expensive gift
to her mom, pick what you want.
Why doing that, just like that, I love you. Take her tell a lie. No problem. This kind of ally is permitted.
Do that.
Every time she tries to be nasty.
Take her shopping, by buying something beautiful.
Don't buy her flowers. Indian India, mothers in law don't don't appreciate flowers. They need stuff
to that.
And the relationship will completely transform believe,
do the opposite of what somebody expects you to do.
There's a wonderful story about Harry Truman, the president of America.
He was in his office.
And he was talking to some other Head of State and the and it was a it's not an altercation. But you know, the other guy said to him, the other head of state, whoever it was, he said to him.
Don't even say I know exactly what you are going to say I know exactly what you're going to do.
So they say that Harry Truman then did a somersault on the carpet
of the Oval Office.
And he stood up and he said, I bet you didn't think I would do that.
And that broke the ice and then they had a good conversation.
So do something which is completely unexpected in a positive way.
And then see how things change.
So leave them alone.
I have seen
many marriages
getting destroyed by the parents.
And usually it is the mothers and the fathers are not exempt from this. But at least the majority of cases which I have seen. It's always the mothers
telling the daughter giving her a blow by blow advice on what to say what to do.
Or telling their son's blow by blow advice of how to treat his wife.
And that son and that and that daughter are stupid enough and dumb enough to listen to that
listen to the garbage.
I have to sift between the words in my mind.
So please,
you must do your potholes.
too if the mom calls and says, So what did you? What did she say to you? What did he say today?
Can a mom you know, the weather? It's so nice. It's getting cold now. And I just brought out all the villains. And we just started our heating.
No, no, I'm not talking, I'm asking what did your husband say? What did your wife say?
Mom, you know, we are planning to go on an Alaskan cruise.
You get the point I'm saying
very politely
let them understand, if necessary, say to them in so many words, some people are, you know, slow on the uptake.
In so many words, say, Ma, that I'm sorry, I will not tell you.
Please don't ask me.
I will not
let them be offended doesn't matter.
This is your right? As a human being as a Muslim as a as an individual.
Not to share your private life with somebody else, whoever that somebody else is. Nobody has a right to know your private life.
Keep it private, sit and have a face to face conversation with your wife or your husband.
That is 1000 times better than telling your mother or your father, or your grandmother or whoever it is outsider about what is happening in your relationship and taking their advice and applying it in. In your relationship that is a recipe for disaster, believe me, if you don't believe me, try it out.
And when you come out of the divorce court,
then come back to this lecture Listen to me.
Right?
Your private life, spend time with your spouse.
Talk to them,
understand them, learn about them. Respect what they do.
Show that respect, show that appreciation. Don't take it for granted.
I told you it's a highly unnatural relationship
in the best of ways, but it is unnatural.
Respect that
and inshallah you will be very successful.
I'm not saying neglect your mother or father. But remember that your spouse has first call after you get married.
The key is to realize that these are all independent relationships and they need to be managed. The same is true of children when they come on, I've seen spouses becoming strangers to each other, because children take up that much of time and energy of both to such an extent.
maturity, to become mature is to be able to handle these multiple relationships in marriage.
Everything in its own place, this is Islam,
every everything in its own place, you don't mix up the boundaries.
You do not mix up the boundaries, everything in its own place, give each one
their due.
And everyone will be happy about that.
If you don't do that, then you are taking away the rights of one
for the sake of the other.
Now this one is for one thing it is injustice. And therefore it is not something that as Muslims we should be doing.
And second thing is as I told you, this will only result in
and happiness all around.
Each one must get its do
and then of course inshallah
you will have a beautiful marriage.
Truly, somebody has an olive epithelial Delano
is what is heaven on earth.
And he said in Morocco salah, he said a
a good wife,
a pious wife, a good wife.
And of course the same thing applies the other way around a good husband.
This can be
heaven on earth
and that is not magic. It is not rule A it is not chance. It is not a dartboard
that is made
marriages are not made in heaven.
Marriages are made on this earth so that your life then becomes heaven on this earth.
They are made they are made with effort and they are made with effort by both parties as well anyway
I wish you all a very very happy marriage which is very satisfying and which becomes something that you truly truly value
what's another holiday we'll carry while it he was happy to go Hora Emile salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.