Maryam Lemu – Key to a successful marriage – Living with dignity and love #01

			also been let him initiate and redeem Bismillahirrahmanirrahim Assalamu alaikum warahmatullahi
wabarakatuhu This is Merriam lemo, just akmola higher and our barouche press for hosting this live
event. May Allah grant all of us the full blessings of this month of Ramadan, I am coming to you
live on various platforms. So I would like you to share your comments in the comment section below
and post any questions you might have. Because at the end of this whole event in sha Allah, I will
be doing a Q and A so very much looking forward to that. I'm going to be talking about the secrets
of marital success living with dignity, and love. Now few selections in human life can be as
		

			sensitive and as essential as selecting a life partner. This selection has the fundamental potential
of determining our success and prosperity in life, or our misery and misfortune. In other words, our
marriage can break or break us. Now I describe marriage as two unique individuals who come together
to complement each other, to individuals who guide each other and encourage one another to get
closer to their maker who grow together in God consciousness, and the fear of offending him to
unique individuals who help and support each other in developing emotionally, intellectually,
socially, and in the service to humanity, who fulfill each other's needs, wants and fantasies, who
		

			are governments for one another, who protect each other's dignity and look out for each other's best
interests, whom you feel completely emotionally and physically safe around. Together, you build a
nurturing, loving and safe home, and a climate and culture where each of you thrives and achieves
your greatest calling. You are together and you're in a climate where there are no secrets, you hide
nothing from one another. You're an open book, you are each other's confidence, you get to know each
other better than anyone else in the world. You can be your true self around your partner. Marriage
is about give and take of mutual fulfillment and mutual satisfaction. Marriage is living with your
		

			companion, your buddy, your mate, your best friend, and your lover. You get to grow old with this
person and go on a lifelong adventure of self discovery and personal evolution. The one who saw you
fall in love with, with whom the steady burning embers of true love remain constant, long after the
fire of passion has died down. Whenever you look at each other, you feel contentment in your heart.
Why? Because you will know that you are with the one that Allah created just for you. Now, as I was
describing what, in my opinion marriages, how many of you were thinking, I don't know what she's
talking about how many levels? How many of you never witnessed that. Now Alhamdulillah I was
		

			privileged to witness it in my parents for 50 years of their marriage until Allah called my mother
home first Alhamdulillah This is what my husband and I have been able to nurture and build over the
past 29 years. I know when I was describing marriage, some of you were thinking are not in our home.
In fact, all we have is fights. There's disrespecting this shouting, this putting down. I feel
trapped. I feel broken. I'm abused, either emotionally, physically, psychologically, economically or
sexually abused. There is contempt there is disgust. You feel betrayed, you feel disappointment, you
find that you're just managing your spouse, you're literally like roommates. In my relationship.
		

			This may be manipulation, games and politics a struggle for power.
		

			In some relationships, people will say, Oh no, actually in my house, this show of
		

			economic superiority, spiritual or intellectual superiority. It could be anything the list goes on.
The big question I always ask is why? If Allah has described marriage with words like love and
mercy, and were meant to dwell in tranquility, with one another lounging peace, happiness and
contentment, and no way did he say marriage is about managing one another, about disrespect, about
self sacrifice about oppression when even in Islam oppression is worse than slaughter. So why is it
so hard? Why are so many marriages not working? compared to those that are? Why are some couples
able to give 110% of their relief into their relationship? They're committed 110% compared to those
		

			who are not, why does love and mercy exist in some marriages and not in others? And how did things
get so bad? Now what I find so interesting
		

			thing is how we make and how we take our other religious rituals more serious than our marriage, our
prayers, our fasting, the sadaqa, the non obligatory visiting the sick, being good to our neighbors,
the Sunnah, and the hijabi. Look, the memorization of the quarter, and then our Phil zeker. All
those are good. They are absolutely wonderful. However, when fulfilling our obligations to our
spouse constitutes half of our body. Imagine combining all those other things I've mentioned, the
obligatory and the non obligatory, fulfilling our obligations to our spouse is actually what
fulfills half of our faith. All the other x put together only constitute half. Whereas this one act
		

			of fulfilling obligations to our spouse constitutes the other half. Isn't that where we should be
putting so much energy into researching and making sure we cross our T's and dot our eyes, and we do
all the details? When we pray we try to pray the right way. When we recite we want to recite
perfectly. But why is it we behave so badly in marriage? This is where we need to refocus and
recalibrate the way we view marriage. And guess what? If we start by fulfilling our obligations to
our spouse, what gives us half full complete of our ibadah it's an added bonus what happens? It
brings true happiness to the relationship and peace of mind. The sad thing is there are so many who
		

			don't even know their rights and obligations. They don't know that Allah is gonna ask them. No money
in the world can give you that peace of mind and true happiness that you get from a peaceful home.
There is nothing like having peace of mind. And a good marriage can give you that and even so much
more. Because fulfilling your obligations is actually the foundation to a peaceful home. Yes. And a
Happy spouse who will most likely be very eager to satisfy all your needs, your wants and your
fantasies. obligations in marriage include a Hello relationship. Yes, your spouse owes you a love
relationship and you owe your spouse that and by fulfilling each other's intimacy needs, it will
		

			most likely bring down the rate of infidelity that we see that's on the rise today, committed by
both spouses, which will also bring down the rate of sexual frustration in relationship for both
spouses, which will insha Allah reduce the rate of spouses turning to * and *,
which is disturbingly on the rise, especially amongst women.
		

			Another obligation that we owe our spouse is love, respect and kindness. Yes, each one of us also
our spouse that any normal human being, yes, any normal human being who receives love, respect and
kindness will most likely respond in kind. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said that the
heart has been created in a way that it loves those who show kindness towards it, and dislike those
who cause it pain. He also said indeed, among the believers with the most complete faith is the one
who is best in conduct and the most kind to his family. So instead of us having these quotes on the
tips of our tongues, we should translate the narration into action. When I think about and I do a
		

			lot of marriage counseling, how badly many of us are behaving today in marriages, I worry about what
we're going to go and see before Allah, what happened to the love and mercy that he said he has
placed in our hearts. I often say, there is no miracle lecture that will fix your marriage. There is
no do our first or prayer that will fix a marriage. If you do not tie your camel first. If you don't
do the right thing, if you don't change what lies within you. If you start to look in the mirror and
ask yourself some key questions, it might actually turn things around. Ask yourself, what am I
doing? What am I not doing? What else could I start? This was the turning point for my husband and
		

			I, our marriage had reached rock bottom. But the moment I started to do that introspect and ask for
feedback, it turned things around, and I'll share that with you very soon. But like I said, if we
could only start by fulfilling our obligations, which is in black and white, just go on Google. I
don't have much time, so I won't go through it all, but just go and Google it. What are your rights
and what are your obligations to your spouse? Like I said, that is the foundation for a happy home.
		

			I was asked to talk about the secrets of marital success living with dignity.
		

			and love. What I just described to you is the St. Louis state of a lot of marriages today. Now let
me share with you the best practices that my husband's to eat and I have shared for the past 29
years Alhamdulillah and what has made our, our marriage a success by Allah as well. Now what I'm
going to share with you is not a one size fits all, nobody can give you that because every marriage
is different, every marriage is unique. These are just suggestions of tried and tested methods that
we have used and we have shared with others and Alhamdulillah the feedback is very positive. Now
this is for those you watching today. This is for those who are ready, truly ready to make their
		

			marriages work, who are ready to make some sacrifices, yes, you're gonna have to give a little and
make some changes and to commit 110% to the process. regardless of if you are yet to be married. Or
if you've been married for 50 years. The first step is Know Your Rights and know your obligations.
Why? Because you will have to fulfill them. And if you don't, you're gonna have to answer to Allah
for it. Ignorance is not an excuse. If you're yet to be married. Here are just a few words of advice
that I'd like to give you. Don't waste your time, your money, your energy on trying to come up with
this perfect image of a perfect wedding, the bling bling, no go. Don't go for the superficial over
		

			the substance. Don't go for traditions and cultural norms that make marriages difficult for your
spouse to be. It goes against what Allah wants us to do. But when it comes to spouse selection, I'd
like you to pull your brakes and be very careful. tread carefully and do your homework. Investigate
the person you want to marry thoroughly. And then talk to a lot of people who've been married
sensible people and ask them what are their practice best practices? What are the things they wish
they had known before they got married. And make sure you talk and talk a lot with your spouse to be
make sure you're both on the same page so that there are no surprises. So talk, then a word of
		

			caution. You're going to be so head over heels in love. But my advice is don't take no warning
signs. I believe it's Allah sending you a warning to pull your brakes. Do not ever ignore warning
sites. Don't give in to pressure. And make sure you caught the Holloway I caught it the old
fashioned way My father always made sure my husband and I, my fiance and I, we sat in the living
room, a thoroughfare people would just come in busy bodies walking through, and they could hear the
conversations we were having. Because he wanted me Don't ever allow shaytan to be the third in the
room. So no testing before you get married, no tasting, no touching to know how it feels. It is
		

			never too late to quit. No matter how deep even if a wedding date has been set the invitations has
gone out. If Allah shows you warning signs and there's anything in your heart that you're not
comfortable with. Then make sure you hold on intensify your is the Hara from the onset again, you
can Google that how do you do istikhara you want Allah to guide you in your selection. You want
Allah to put his stamp of approval in your selection. And may Allah grant you the ability to select
the right spouse, but don't ever give in to pressure. Don't let anyone tell you either. That they
lived happily ever after belongs in fairytale some people whose marriages didn't work out, or are
		

			miserable in their marriages today will tell you that's just a fantasy. That's just a dream. It
belongs in movies in Bollywood or Hollywood in novels. Don't fall for that you'll be setting
yourself self up for failure.
		

			Now, it's just that you have to create your own story with your spouse. Yes, you both have to fill
in the pages of the story every single day, consciously, deliberately, but most importantly,
together. Now, if you are newly wedded and you are watching this program today, you will most likely
go through or you've already gone through marriage shock. Yes, that euphoric stage won't last and
probably you've realized that by now to know those sweet nothings that they were whispering in your
ear. The masks come off and you get to see their true colors. Insha Allah hopefully, you were both
sincere during courtship and they were no surprises. But you have to always remember you are two
		

			totally different unique individuals different beings. And it will take some time to adjust and
synergize for my husband and I it took us about five to six years. And this is where you need a lot
of patience. However, that patience, it's patience to see the results of your hard work that both of
you are putting in. It should never be one sided. Never forget
		

			A true relationship is about both equally working at it right, both equally putting in and inshallah
you both equally get out of it. In many homes today sadly you find one partner doing all the work
one partner putting in all the effort when the kids come, they practically raising the kids almost
like a single parent, a successful marriage is about both parties equally committed to the success
of the Union, both parties equally contributing equally, giving an inshallah equally taking both
parties equally committed to the success of one another, a success of one another, both parties
equally committed and on the same page when it comes to nurturing a healthy family. So it's about
		

			give and take both equally putting, and insha. Allah both getting out. It's about mutual
fulfillment. Now, everything I am saying applies not only to those yet to get married, but to those
newlyweds, and those who are married. So it doesn't matter how many how many years you've been
married, this applies to everyone. It's about mutual, give and take, who doesn't want something
beautiful and fulfilling in their relationship. And if your marriage is great, who doesn't want it
to be even better? Now, early on, if you're newlyweds set marriage goals. If you didn't go sorry, if
you didn't do it before today, then Today's a good day to sit down and start discussing and come up
		

			with one what is the big picture of your marriage, it always helps to have that target what you are
aspiring for, you know what you're working towards. So keep your eyes on the target both of you
identify also the things that you witnessed growing up that you resented and didn't like, and make
sure you do not replicate it in your home. Sometimes our parents get it wrong. I say this a lot. If
you are married with children, it's important to ask yourself some key questions. Are we replicating
what we saw in our homes that we detested growing up on our spouse or on our children? And another
question to ask is, are you okay with your children replicating what they are seeing in both of you
		

			right now? Because you cannot tell children what marriage is meant to look like? You can only show
them they learn based on what they see. So if the answer is no, you don't want them replicating what
they're seeing today, then you have to fix it. Why? Because we are passing on the baton. And our
children's relationships are even meant to be better than ours. And we're going to have to answer to
allow for it. If they cannot do or give what they didn't see, then you can't blame them. You have to
blame yourself, you have to always make sure you get it right, so that they do what they see. Again,
we're going to have to answer to Allah. Next, it's important to establish certain cultures. Don't
		

			let anyone impose their traditions into your marriage because your marriage is unique. So create
your own unique marriage culture, and set boundaries, protect one another from your relations. They
can destroy your marriage, yes, in laws can destroy the marriage. I remember my husband said he told
his family that it was his name that was called during the nikka. And nobody had any right to tell
me what to do. Nobody could just walk into our house with unannounced and say or do as they please
he made sure they understood that there is a boundary, you don't cross this, you go through me. You
don't just tell my wife what to do. And I had to do the same. Again, if you are already married and
		

			you didn't set boundaries, you have to find a way to tactfully tactfully fix this why because in in
those destroying homes today, and amongst the obligations we all want another is to be protected
like a shield for one another, including protecting our spouses from our relations. Another right
and obligation we have is we do not admit into the home someone that our spouse dislikes. And this
applies to both of you. So this is about our relationship with Allah, not with our family, not with
our friends. And we will answer to Allah We will definitely answer to Allah if we do not shield or
protect our spouse, from our friends and our loved ones. Now I'm sorry, I know what I'm saying is
		

			not pleasant. A lot of people are feeling uncomfortable trying to imagine how am I going to cut off
that relationship? If it's not healthy if my spouse isn't happy with that? Yes, rocking the boat is
difficult and change is not easy. But I just have to say Why? Why are we here? Otherwise, if your
spouse is subjected to torture and misery by your loved ones, what is this relationship about? It's
not about them. It's about you. It's about peace and tranquility.
		

			in your home.
		

			The trouble is many one things to get better but don't want to do the dirty work. This is the kind
of dirty work work if you want to see change, like I said, there is no miracle lecture or potion you
can take that will fix your marriage if it's on the rocks, or if your spouse is unhappy, why are you
married to each other, if you're not ready to make each other happy, you have to take charge, and
you just have to do it. It's hard. It's unpleasant, it can be painful. But if they are not ready to
support you, they are not ready to be supportive for the success of your marriage. They're not
understanding that I'm sorry to say they're not good for you. If they do not wish you well and
		

			happiness for your marriage, then are they really worth it? You just have to sometimes cut those
ropes, sadly, and you will find much more happiness and much more peace. So if you want change, now
is the time there is no better time than today. And we continue to make to our even during the month
of Ramadan for Allah to grant us wisdom. And I asked you to do that right now. Whatever is rocking
the boat in your relationship. ask Allah for wisdom in how to handle it with tact with dignity, and
make it easy for you. Now let us take a short break inshallah. And when we return, I will continue
to share with you what I believe is a great formula for a successful marriage. And I will go into
		

			more details on how to solidify your relationship and more insha Allah, like I said before, feel
free to leave your comments in the chat boxes and send your questions in because we will be doing
q&a at the end of the second half inshallah, join me for that episode as salaam alaikum