Maryam Amir – Sustaining a Healthy Marriage
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AI: Transcript ©
Salaman, Rahim alhamdulillahi Rabbil Alameen wa salatu wa
salamu. Ala Rasulillah. One time, Aisha radiAllahu anha drank from a
cup, and the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam took that cup,
turned it to exactly where her lips had drank from, and drank
from the same exact spot. That is the definition of mawaddah. When
Allah tells us that he has put between us, mawada, talwa, rahma,
it's often translated as he's put love and mercy between us. But
mawada is more specific than love. Scholars talk about mawada meaning
that you lean towards the other person, that you have a
partnership with the other person, that your heart is filled with the
remembrance of this other person, that you when you prefer them over
yourself for everything because you love that other person. All of
this and more, mawada is action. Is within the meaning of mawada
acting, showing someone how much you love them.
And there's also rahma, which is generally translated to Mercy. Wa
ash,
live with them in a kind way, in a good way. Now, of course, it would
be a blessing to have our marriages filled with this
passionate, compassionate love, like the Prophet sallallahu alayhi
wa sallam. But for example, Sheik Abdul Halim Abu Shak explains that
when that love fades, if, for example, you never really were in
love with the person that you married, or over time that love
went away, you still have rahma, that you still have that
gentleness, that you still have that kindness between you.
And while this session inshallah is going to be talking about
developing successful relationship tips and working on when we're
struggling with them, there's a caveat that we need to talk about,
and that is that even in the time of The most God conscious
individuals, divorce simply for incompatibility, was something
that happened and it was okay, even though we have a stigma in
our community, the Companions ruled the Aloha anho. They got
married, they got divorced. They got married again.
When we talk about Islam and marriages, it's important for us
to recognize that not every single person is going to have the most
amazing marriage in the world, and that is okay, as painful as it may
be, and it's a process and it's difficult, but it's also okay. I
just want you to know that that's okay. You don't have to have the
passion of the Prophet sallallahu, alayhi, Salam with Aye shuttle you
Anna,
at the same time, we do have a marriage crisis, and that a lot of
individuals want to get married and are having trouble for a
decade longer trying to find the right person to marry. But
it's important to recognize that at least when I was growing up,
I'm not sure if this was your circumstance, but in different
Muslim spaces, I often heard really negative messages about
marriage. I literally would have women in my Masjid come up to me
because I used to be really active in the masjid, and they would say,
enjoy your life right now, because after marriage, there is none. And
I was like, Oh, just I can't wait to get married. Yay.
It's this very negative feeling, this like commitment, this being
weighed down that sometimes we hear while at the same time
hearing that if you have any sort of desire in any way that desire
is then the answer is getting married early. And yes, we have
encouragement from the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam to get
married young. But there's also so much context to the Prophet
sallallahu alayhi wa sallam talking about marriage. There is
more than one narration of female companions who came to the Prophet
sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, for example, in Ibn had ban who would
come and ask about marriage, and by the end of that conversation,
would say, I am never going to get married. And she would say this to
the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.
The Maliki Madhab says that it is haram for a man to get married if
he knows he won't be able to fulfill the responsibilities he
had toward has towards his wife and the Shafi, I say it is haram
for a woman to get married if she knows that she's not going to be
able to be able to fulfill his responsibilities. I want to bring
that nuance, Nuance into the conversation, because now I have
young women and men come to me after being told that they should
get married as a cure for any type of addiction that they have,
and.
That's completely traumatizing to the person for which it's supposed
to be a tool to fix a problem that someone is struggling with.
Marriage is not a solution for our internal problems. We need to work
on our internal problems, and when we get married, Inshallah,
together, help each other grow, but I'm not a solution for you,
and you're not a solution for me. We're on the path together, and if
we want to create this type of relationship, Inshallah, that's
filled with this passionate compassion, or not even passion,
but compassion, I don't know what works for your relationship. I am
not. Dr, love, literally, I'm not a marriage therapist, but
Bismillah, I would like to share with you some things. And if you
are not thinking about getting married ever again because you've
already been married and you never want to again for whatever reason,
if your circumstance doesn't allow for that, whatever your situation,
then apply this to other relationships in your life,
whether with siblings, parents, kids, we can use the same
concepts.
One of the things
as a couple our families need more of our cuddles.
We need Cuddles,
just cuddles.
The C for cuddles stands for capitalization. What does that
actually mean? Capitalizing on good news that you hear from your
spouse, child, mother, anyone, if you every single day, spend some
time during dinner, asking about one good thing that happened to
that person today. Now, your loved one might be going through
depression. Your loved one might be going through difficult
financial circumstances. You might not even be able to think of
something good to even have this conversation with your spouse. But
even if you're in so much pain,
do you have a sty in your eye? If you do, I'm sure there's something
else that you have, Alhamdulillah, that's not painful, but you have a
sty in your eye, okay? But tomorrow the sty is gone. You see
what I'm saying. So today I can say Alhamdulillah, I didn't have
the pain of a sty That was incredible. Or Alhamdulillah, I
was able to parallel park on a hill that went really, really
high. Or hamdulillah in the midst of my toddler's diaper blowout, I
actually laughed, because it was such a crazy situation.
Researchers, psychological researchers, have found that if
you respond to that person with no way. How did it make you feel?
Where were you? What were you wearing? That's so crazy. That's
so funny, when you respond in a positive way, it actually predicts
positive relationship markers for your future, simply by every
single day asking, what is one good thing about your day today,
and we see this in the time of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa
sallam, when ay Shadrach anha saw a mother who was poor and who
asked for some food, she gave her three dates. Two of those dates
the mother gave to her two girls, and as she was going to eat the
third date, the girls asked for it. So she split it in half, and
she gave one piece to each of her children and the Prophet
sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, when she narrated this said, O kama Kal
that because of this action, Paradise is obligated. For this
woman, Aisha Raila Huan, has shared a moment of her day with
the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam, and they rejoiced for that
woman together, building that relationship with joy. The second
part of cuddles is you, and that's unpack. Many of the problems that
we have stem from mismatched expectations, or expectations that
one person has and the other person doesn't understand, doesn't
agree with my cousin, Alhamdulillah. Been married for 10
years, which Alhamdulillah is longer than one, but nothing in
comparison to the like 40 that some of you have. May Allah bless
all of you. In the first year of my marriage, she told me, Look,
your husband is not going to know what's going on in your mind. You
have to tell him. And I was like,
but isn't it obvious? Does it shouldn't he just know? But like,
no, he actually doesn't know how to read minds, and that's why it's
so important to clarify before you get married and as things change
in your relationship, what the expectations are? One of the
biggest ones I'm approached with from women a lot is the
expectation of cleaning and cooking in the household.
Frequently we hear that's an obligation for a woman to do this
within a marriage. Yes, have you heard this? The majority of
scholars actually say that it is not an obligation upon a woman to
do so in a marriage. The malikis, the shafirais, Imam Abu Hanifa,
actually says it's an Abu.
Allegation, if a man can afford it, to provide a servant who can
help her.
However, there are scholars like Ibn Taymiyyah, Rahima Hola, who
says that it is because it's part of waashiro Hun, Nabila aruf live
with them in goodness. So we have these differences of opinion, even
if it's the majority say that it's not, and some say that it is.
Pointing to, for example, how faulty model and Asmaa bin umis
radila Huan ha how they both help, excuse me, Asmaa bin Abi belo Hana
radila Huan home, how they helped in the home. And therefore it's an
obligation for a woman to help. But really, other scholars look at
that and say, but no, they did this out of their goodness to the
family, because they love their family. We have Jaber, or the
Allahu anhu, who saw the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was so
hungry when they were building the trench, and he went home and he
asked his wife, what do we have to eat? He helped prepare the food
for the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he didn't order her to
do something, despite the fact that he was working in the
community, and came home and worked now at the same time, we
have the Ali and Fatima radila huanuma. When Ali radila huanu
said to her that he was so tired from all of the work that he was
doing, and she replied and she said, I'm so tired too.
Men and Women complete one another in our relationships, you need to
see what's going to work best for your marriage.
I think it's so critical for you to see if one of you works
outside, who's going to take care of the house, or if both of you
work outside, who's going to take care of your home, if one of you,
like a number of women, have talked to me about have five
children, and you're responsible for all of the kids, and between
changing diapers and waking up seven times at night and all the
exhaustion you don't get a chance to clean, then how can we figure
out what will work best for us? I don't in any way want to suggest
that women and men shouldn't work in their homes. I just want to
clarify that there's a difference between what's going to work best
for our relationship versus what Islam obligates now, it's so
critical for us to respect our husbands as women and for our
husbands to respect us. How do we create that? It's by having those
open conversations and clarifying how I can support you if you work
outside, and how you can support me in whatever that I do as well.
Is that clear?
The next part of cuddles is the D. This stands for discussion. I
shadow the Allahu anha once was watching Abyssinians play in the
masjid, and she had her cheek to the cheek of the Prophet
sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, as she was watching, and she kept
wanting to watch, not because she was interested in what they were
doing, but because she wanted to be close to the Prophet sallallahu
alayhi wa sallam. And research has found they did. Researchers did a
study where they had two control groups. One group didn't watch any
type of movies, didn't do anything with their spouse that was
recreational, and then have a discussion about it, while the
others did do recreational activities, and then talked about
it. The ones who did the recreational activities, they had,
13% of them, their relationships ended in divorce, versus 24% on
the other side. And their point was simply that if you take time
to do a recreational activity with your spouse, read a book and
discuss it, watch a movie and discuss it, go for a walk and talk
about it, then that is already one of the factors that can lead to
having a stronger relationship.
The other part of discussion is making sure that kind words, as
we're taught in the Quran, in the Sunnah, come before any sort and
not even before. There's no distinction of any sort of
domestic violence.
There is an ayah in the Quran that I'm asked about frequently. I'm
sure almost everyone knows it's the Aya undor, which can be
translated in generally
to beat or to hit. Do you know what I'm talking about?
Felt duribu Hun, which comes from a longer part of a verse. It's
very hard to translate it in one word, but frequently it says
something like and beat lightly, which is such a disservice to what
the verse actually means. When you look at the context for which it
was revealed,
the Maliki say that in your marriage contract you can write
that if a husband harms her, the marriage is nullified.
Can you write something in your marriage contract that goes
against a Quranic injunction.
Can you say your contract if you pray five times a day, the
marriage is nullified. You can't, because that's a legislation from
Allah. So then instead, this verse is a revelation, not as.
Meant to create harm within the family, but which was intended for
reconciliation, because in that time, as Ibn Ashur mentions, even
the woman of that time didn't see a problem with this.
And so when we look at a number of books from the Sheffield matap,
for example, that talk about the stringent conditions that there
can be no mark, then there can be no blood drawn, it cannot hurt, it
cannot cause pain. You can use a seawack or bunched up napkins, and
you can see how this was not intended to cause any sort of
harm, even with all of those stringent conditions, Ibn Ashur
mentions that some men are going to take that and they're going to,
in their anger, transgress the boundaries, and that is why, for
these circumstances, judges should be called in. Also incredibly,
scholars mention that if a woman feels like she's going to go
further away from her husband. If he uses this, it is haram to use
it.
We have a lot of issues of domestic violence in our
community, and I've actually heard this verse be used as a
justification. This is completely against the method of the Prophet
sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, who said, By what right does one of
you hit your woman?
AG, how could anyone hit a woman? And he never touched someone a
woman. He never hurt someone in that way. Radial, sallAllahu,
alayhi wa salam. So how are actual ways that we can like positively,
work on relationships when we're struggling the L and cuddle. Oh,
no, no, we have another D disposition. Disposition, are you
still with me? Can you okay, just give yourself a cuddle. We just
need him on a disposition means that when you when your husband
does something amazing for you, when your wife does something
amazing for you, you don't say, Oh, they did that one thing that
one time that was nice. You say they did that amazing thing
because they're amazing. If they mess up, you don't say, Oh, they
messed up that one time because they suck. You say, Oh, they
messed up that one time because they're human.
Asmaa bint umays, the wife of Abu Bakr, when he was sick roll the
OLA HO and humah, she was swatting the flies away so that it wouldn't
come on. Abu Bakr al the whole an, that was because of her
disposition as a wife, her disposition as a woman, to care
about Abu Bakr al the Allahu. An, not one action one time that she
did.
When we look at El,
it means leave space when you're going through some sort of
difficulty. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam once entered upon
faltima and asked, where's Ali Radi Allahu ALA? And she said that
they got into an argument, and he had left, and the Prophet saw
them, found him in the masjid, and that's why he had the nickname Abu
turab, or the father of dirt, because he was lying down in the
dirt.
And marriage therapists say that when you are angry, your heart
rate goes up to over 100
and your blood rushes to your core, so you don't have as much
blood in your brain, which is why sometimes you say things out of
anger and you don't even realize what you said. You don't even
remember what you said. So they say, take some time,
make wudu take a walk, breathe, and then engage in the
conversation, leave some space, as Ali did. Radi Allahu ad, and then
we have E, which is empathy.
Marriage therapists have mentioned that if you are in an argument and
you just empathize with the other person. How the Prophet sallallahu
alayhi wa sallam said to Aisha radiAllahu anha that she he
recognizes when she's upset, because she says by the Lord of
Ibrahim instead of by the Lord of Muhammad. Sallallahu alayhi wa
sallam he he empathized with the fact he recognized, he validated
the fact that she was angry, and validation helps deescalate the
conversation so it doesn't blow out into a huge argument. And
finally, support. Support is so critical, the Quran says,
now there's a number of understanding what this means, and
it certainly I don't mean to imply that the Quran is using this verse
to say, see a therapist, but the Quran is clarifying to us that we
can bring other people in to help us through our marriage issues.
And we see this when the Prophet saw them was having a difficult
time with Ayesha radila, and he gave her the choice between this
world or the next, and he told her to seek istiq, to seek Shura, to
seek help from her parents, to get some advice. And she was like, Why
would I need advice? I know the answer to this, but we need
professional help in our marriages, our imams are not.
Trained to be marriage therapists, seek therapy, and if your spouse
isn't okay with seeing a therapist, you see a therapist,
and then you bring that back into your marriage. I can't tell you
how many kids talk to me about their fear of marriage, because
their parents simply didn't show them that sometimes we have major
arguments, but it's okay to have someone help us process it, and
sometimes that doesn't mean the marriage continues, but at least
the children saw that you took the steps to try to put it back
together, if that's the right thing for your unit,
Cuddles is a form of bringing us physically closer together and
also spiritually closer together. And continuing to make dua as we
cuddles is one of the most important parts of our
relationship, praying for your spouse, praying for yourself and
praying for your family. I feel like I didn't say enough
currently, as I'm speaking towards our brothers, and I just want to
say that it is such a blessing and an honor that Allah gives both men
and women different rights and different privileges and different
responsibilities in marriage, because it uniquely combines in a
way that helps us become a whole unit that functions together. So
thank you to our women, and thank you to our men for struggling so
much internally when no one even knows what you're going through,
but you still work so hard to fulfill your family rights, you
still work so hard to pay the bills, you still work so hard to
take care of your children, and that's something that Allah never
forgets, even if you feel like your spouse does, he never does.
So don't forget to always go back to him. Subhanallah, behind the
commission.