Maryam Amir – Muslim marriages discussion w @sakinacounseling Noha Alshugairi
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The speakers emphasize the importance of being heard in a male versus female session in Islam, as it is common among men and women. They stress the need for everyone to be present and listen to positive descriptions of the couple's role in Islam, not just their own, while also acknowledging struggles in working and finding balance between work and life. The speakers emphasize the importance of finding a male relative for women to provide support and assistance for their families, as it is common among men and women. They also discuss the need for support and assistance for their parents, as it is a common practice among men and women.
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Of knowledge. I am accepting of knowledge from all Alhamdulillah.
I think it's important. So when I do the bios, I skip over all of
the education, like, ah, that's boring stuff. But I realize I've
been introducing all men, and I think it's just important to give
your hat, I know, but I'm gonna say it anyways, because, no, I
think it's important. We usually do this as a woman's session, and
this is a family session, and this is a spouse session. This is for
our young youth to know, to hear positive descriptions of the both
the woman and man's role in Islam, not just marriage, but you're,
we're hearing a positive description that should not be
tied to feminism or other titles. So I think this is really unique,
and I'm and I'm excited for all of you to be in this presence and to
be listening to this because usually, sometimes it's a women's
session or this is feminism, but this is someone mashallah I just,
I have to read it now. I have to you don't understand Mashallah. So
not only, of course, she has her master's in education from UCLA,
but she has a second bachelor's in Islamic studies through Al Azhar.
She has studied in Egypt, memorized the Quran, researched
various religious sciences, including Islamic law, for more
than 15 years. So you're not just listening to some sister who is a
feminist saying, manpower, woman power. This is a stethmeria
telling you, from her knowledge and research of positive roles
between the man and the woman. I got goosebumps. I appreciated it,
and I enjoyed that, because I think we need to hear that, both
men and women need to hear that the beauty of Islam, the beauty of
Islam.
Okay, I drink my coffee. I'm awake now. So, Bismillah, let's go ahead
and so are both of you. You have a mic as well, right?
Yes, go ahead and turn on yours. It might already be on. Let's see.
It might already
be we have to say. JazakAllah said to everyone behind the scenes, I
mean, for us to be here, mashallah, there is a crew behind
you, really who has been working Yani and focusing on the tiny,
tiny details, including that the mic is on. So jazana lakher, I was
struck yesterday to hear that there is 203
volunteers working in this convention. And I want to
emphasize this does not include, does not include the people who
are in the committees, who are not the volunteers who are just coming
for the convention. It's a lot of work. A lot of people behind this
convention, so please make the art for them. Please.
I don't know about you, but one of the main reasons why I came this
time is because I have been missing my tribe,
and we are going through very hard time nowadays, very hard times.
And what a better way to actually feel stronger than to be with your
people and to know that you're not alone. So Alhamdulillah.
Alhamdulillah for the work of the early Muslims who came to this
country and worked very hard to establish tiny mosques and tiny
musallas and tiny conferences so we can be where we are today. May
Allah bless everyone who must be for us, and may Allah bless who
everyone who's going to come after us, inshaAllah, and we do our
part. So jazakamakir, for you, you are here. So Joseph Machir, also
you're doing your part too.
So we're going to have a discussion, right? So this is
between the three of us, okay? And basically we're focusing on,
what are we observing? What are we seeing in the community? Because
Maryam, masha Allah addressed the Islamic or a small piece of the
Islamic view around harmony in the family, but let's be real. But it
because it's all about reality. And as Maryam said at the time of
the prophesy, they did not have a perfect community.
There were problems at the time of the prophes, but they just handled
it with the guidance of Allah subhanaw taala, with the and the
guidance of the prophesy assalam. So that's we take from that. So
we're not expecting that there are no problems. How are we going to
deal with these problems? So let's, let's just
name maybe some of the problems that we are seeing. So who wants
to begin? And all three, and you both, I am a therapist. So I am,
you know, I see problems all the time in my office.
Yeah, okay. Maryam, masha Allah, the young people you know, talk to
her and share with her secrets in the community that we, the elders
like me, we don't know about. So Mariam has that, and mashallah,
she she's the principal of an Islamic school. So she has her
share of hearing about the also, what's happening in the community.
So we're just gonna be talking really, real talk. So who wants to
maybe begin? I think Misha, and then you that's what I think we
should So, Bismillah, okay, my experience just comes from, you
know, having seven children. Alhamdulillah, having a blended
household we have, we have his mind and ours. Alhamdulillah, so
it's a lot of the times discussions are always that
balance between when both husband and spouse are working, that work
life balance that in Orange County, it takes, sometimes two
incomes, so really working through for both husband and wife to find
that balance that both are working, but both need to raise
the home, raise the children, and everything that that balance, I
know, is a struggle for many women. MashaAllah, being a school
principal, all the teachers are married and are have families, and
they work full time. Teachers work double. They bring home grading,
and they say, Oh, my husband always hates all those papers I
bring home and grading, right? So I see it not only myself, but all
around me, women who are working and trying to find that balance
where we joke, and I don't say this in a bad way, because it's
both positive and, you know, oh, my husband's such a fob right, or
FOB mentality. We use it as a joke, but and it shouldn't be used
in a negative, right, that should not be used as a negative. We use
it as a negative. But I want to know, what do they mean when they
tell you, my husband is a fob which back
Fresh Off the Boat, like a back home mentality, which sometimes we
say, I wish for someone from back home because they're the real men.
But then sometimes, like, we don't want the back home because they're
the ones. Sometimes of the more strict or conservative idea of
woman is in the house. We do the working. There's no participation
both ways. Subhanallah, okay, so you feel like, well, but you're
emphasizing a reality, especially for us, living in Southern
California and and it's all over the world
that, because of the how life is expensive,
a women, some women, they actually need to actually work alongside
their husband, or want to work both, right? So that's a
different. Yeah, that's a different.
Yeah, no, both are important. Actually, I want to emphasize but
then we also should not forget single mothers,
women who have children and they don't have anyone who is
supporting them, and they are the ones who are providing for the
family. And if we go back to the ideal, I mean the ideal in the
Islamic society, the ideal is that the woman should be supported by a
male relative. And so it doesn't need to be the husband, it could
be the father, it could be the brother, it could be a cousin,
like the closest male relative, has a responsibility in the eye of
Allah subhanho wa Taala to provide for the women of the family if
they need, if they need support and provision. And in the case
that there is no close male relative, then the government,
the, you know, the Hakim,
the ruler from beitel Yani, the money of the Muslims, or the money
of the community, is supposed to spend on the woman, like a woman
is not obligated to work to provide. That's a privilege.
She wants to work that's a different story, okay, but she's
not obligated to work to provide for the family. So we as a
community have failed
the woman of our community.
And when Mariam is talking about kawamun Like part of the kawam,
like a male relative,
you know, if he, if he or he is failing the women in his family,
if he is not supporting them, if they have needs,
let's keep this in mind. I also want to add to this, because I do
know personally, young men speak with me about how they are trying
so hard to be able to afford getting married. They are working
two jobs, trying so hard to be able to take care of the family,
and they also have to support their parents so they can't always
fully.
Pay for the things that are just basic necessity. We're not talking
about, like mansions, just the necessities of living in
California. And I think something that may set mentioned here is,
you know, when you're talking about this, like, quote, unquote,
back home mentality. I think we also need to be clear which
cultures we're discussing, because when we look to Malaysian culture
versus versus Moroccan culture versus Nigerian culture. All of
these cultures are different, and they have different understandings
of how men and women work together and work in society in general,
which is why, when we talk about things and we say things like, you
know, a lot of people have problems with women wanting to
work now, because they say, you're so impacted by the West, that's
why you want to work when in reality, we have an Islamic
history. I mean, we have a lot of literature of women working in
Islamic history, and the positions of political positions they held
they've held in Islamic history, and the many different types of
work they've done in Islamic history. So I think this, again,
goes back to our misunderstanding of our own Islamic history and
also some of the narratives we're hearing from our own community.
Because when we have someone giving a lecture and their
response, for example, in Imam and with Sol, with respect to Imams, I
am so blessed that almost all of my teachers have been incredible
Imams. Most of my teachers are men, and they have been the ones
who have helped me understand women's rights. But sometimes you
might have heard, even as a man, you might hear when you're sitting
in a chutzpah and the Imam is talking about the evils of the
movements of today and the woman, and they're so impacted by these
messages, sometimes that Imam hasn't actually studied women in
Islamic law. That's not his field. So he's speaking in generalities,
because his, you know, His specialty is Islamic finance, or
His specialty is just like the the particular madhhab and the way
that they do specific things, but not women in Islamic history, or
women in Islamic law in general, and that messaging is going to
impact the way that families look at their dynamics and the requests
that they are making of one another. I want to add something
you. Thank you, jazaki lafaye for bringing up this point. So in the
area of the kawamakawa Muna, how does it continue? Bima fatal,
Allahu Bima and FAQ Min awala, him, basically, maybe you, you
best translated. So she talked about a woman, but this the
segment after that. Bima fatal, Allah Abu by virtue, with what
Allah subhanahu wa has, what would be fat. Allah
knows assets. I like to see it as assets. Like Allah has given
certain assets or certain strength to some over others. Now, you
know, as a young woman, I really thought that this segment meant
that, you know, it was talking only about that men has some
assets over women, okay? And then it continued, but also by what
they spend on and then I understood, no, it's actually
talking about both of them. So women have assets that the men
don't have, and the men have assets that women don't have and
some of them are like, you know, Maryam jazahallah Khair was
talking about what we are seeing in Vasa May Allah, give them Nasr,
may Allah,
and this oppression, this very blatant oppression, that is
happening. And anyway, so may Allah. So Maryam was talking about
how we are seeing the qawwama in lesza by what the men are doing,
Mashallah. May Allah be with them.
But think about, I was thinking, as you were talking about at the
time of Amar Khattab, there was, what was her name, the woman who
was in the soup. Can you shifab bin Abdullah? And this is
mentioned,
and it's actually confirmed in a different narration, because some
people say, Oh, it's a doubtful narration, but there's another one
that confirms this, historically, that Ahmed Aldi Allahu Anhu is he
was the head of state, and he appointed a shifab. She was one of
the early converts to Islam, and she was appointed as a minister of
the market, which means that she was responsible for policing the
market space, finances of the market space, the justice and the
injustice of the market space, and obviously engaging with all
parties involved. So So why? Why was she appointed when there are
so many men at that time. It's because Bima fatal Allah badam.
Allah bad because she had assets and she had strength that, you
know, other men maybe didn't have the same level of her wisdom,
because it requires wisdom and Ahmed Masha Allah has a strong
opinion in the character of people.
I don't know. Another example to me like I think it's worth
mentioning is, I think it's during razor
when Sophia bint Abdul Muttalib, she killed the guy who was it was
okay, don't quote me on this. I think it's during the Battle of
azab and so we have the women and children are Yani behind a wall to
be protected, and then one of the enemies was climbing the wall to
come and attack them. And Hassan of nathabit, who is a male, and
he's the poet of the Prophet, saw could not kill him. So who killed
this guy, this enemy? Sofia bintul, muttalik. So I usually,
for me, whenever I read now as an older woman, or whenever I read
now and I have an understanding. It wasn't talking about men having
some kind of privilege over it was talking about each one of us have
assets. And so what are our assets? And so to come in a
marriage, in a marital unit, we need to look at each other and
see, okay, you're good at this. Okay, so you're gonna take care of
this. You're good at this. You're gonna take care of this. I
remember when I first married,
I come from a household where my father may Allah bless him and
give him strength and Saha and
I mean,
he used to take, he used to do, he used to take care of everything
for us, everything like he would pay the bills in the beginning,
also of our lives. You know, he would, he would buy the groceries
like mom was taking care of the mom, but every small detail that
had to do with our house was taken care of by my my Father. May Allah
give him Saha and AF. Then I get married, and may Allah bless my
husband. Very busy man.
Very busy man. He couldn't do what my father did. And then we started
having problems with the bills. The bills, they were late, and we
ended up having late payments all the time. So it was an asset of
mine, okay, that I am a bit more organized in these issues, and I
can do it on time. So I took on this job. So I came into the
marriage with a certain expectation that my husband is
going to be like my dad. And then, no, that wasn't the reality. But
how are we going to work as a team?
My husband may Allah, bless him, he's working very hard for the
family, and he works long hours. It would not be fair that I go and
tell him, you have to do everything that my dad did,
because the reality of our situation, my family, is different
than the reality of you know, when I was young and little. So so so
the focus here is, how can we be a team, collaborate? How can we be
together with understanding that there is certain guidance. So the
idea that within Islam, the husband is ordained to be the
provider is there.
Now sometimes the husband cannot provide, and we have many examples
of the woman of the house stepping in and actually, you know, working
and providing, but
what?
Yeah, yeah, you're reminding me not to say what I'm supposed to
say,
yes, okay, but what else are we saying? I mean, when we're
focusing here in this session on harmony in the family, that's the
focus. We have about 11 minutes to go
for our segment, right?