Maryam Amir – Men are Qawamoon Over Women
AI: Summary ©
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AI: Summary ©
Salamu, ala rasulina, Allah describes the relationship in
marriage between men and women with Sakina and maweta and rahma.
He describes these beautiful qualities of having tranquility,
love in action, compassion for one another. And Allah describes the
spouses as the best as clothing for one another. In Islam, we have
beautiful principles on how to create that nurturing harmony
within the family. Things like being able to have communication
in Shura, making sure that each individual is heard and seen
within the family unit, there are legal aspects involved that can
help protect the family, and there are contracts before the marriage,
and also options outside of the marriage, in case it doesn't work
for both parties, or to make sure that each party has their rights
preserved. One of those aspects of Islamic relationships is this
concept of Kawana, of the playwama, of men being
this concept is one that many of you might have heard of, but it is
very misunderstood, the concept of men having this, this, this
adjective, This, this, this, this practice, this verb, this action
of being fo wa moon, is often misunderstood within the Muslim
community. There are a lot of reasons for that. Sometimes the
way that young women are raised give them the impression that men
have a certain status for simply being men. For example, I've
spoken with therapists who've told me that many of their clients are
women who talk about how their parents differentiated between
boys and girls and their family, so the boys did not have any
responsibilities towards the family, nor did they have any
accountability towards the family. The girls in the family had to
clean after the boys. They had to pick up their trash, they had to
do their dishes. They had a curfew of 8pm while the boys could be out
all night and didn't have anything that they actually had to
contribute. This is a common concept that young women talk
about and so that experience as a young girl shapes the way that
they start looking at how men in general are perceived within a
Muslim culture. Another reason for this is because there are
misunderstandings of text within Islam. For example, there is a
famous Hadith which is translated often as women are deficient in
intellect and in religion. This hadith has been mis construed
because we haven't understood the meaning of it, while also not
mentioning there are other narrations by the same narrators
who made this narration in which in the same exact moment, but a
different rewire, they are praising woman and talking about
the benefits that they witnessed of woman. Our misunderstanding of
a narration, especially in the translation, then can aid us to
put certain responsibilities on women without recognizing how that
messaging is impacting how they're seeing religion and men in
general. I have devoted a lot of time to looking at the text in
Islam, in Islamic law, where women's rights and
responsibilities are mentioned, because I've had so many women
specifically tell me that they don't know if they can be Muslim,
if this is how Islam views men versus women. I've also had men
tell me that they strongly believe that their sisters, their mothers,
their daughters deserve to have rights, and they don't understand
how Islam could teach particular qualities. Our misunderstanding of
the concept of men being
has caused a rift, sometimes because there is a societal push
to follow certain ideologies or certain movements for women's
rights, and that push is strengthened from within Muslim
women ourselves, when we feel like we are not being heard and where
we don't know how to express the need for that processing of what
it means to be men and women together. But Islam actually
provides the solution for men and women, working together as allies,
as the Quran describes us,
imagine the revelation coming to a society where men were actively
inheriting woman like property. A man dies, his wife is inherited to
his brother. A baby girl is born.
She is buried alive, and often times with the support of the
mother. And we do have narrations of even Amal Radi Allahu Anhu and
the sadness he felt at what he had done in the past. But this was a
culture in which part of manhood was actually violence towards
women. And how do we know that? We know that because of the ayah in
which Allah describes,
because the way that this verse was revealed, one of the
narrations for which the revelation came, it is a disputed
narration, so it's not completely accepted as authentic from from
all of the
scholars of Hadith, but the narration mentions that a woman
came to the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and when she
came, she came with her father and her husband had beaten her. She
came complaining to the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam about
what her husband had done, and the Prophet, sallAllahu alayhi wa
sallam replies, this is mentioned in the
tasir. He replies, and he says, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam that
she should retaliate against her husband as in she should go and
she should be Him as He beted her as he be heard now, as she's
turning with her father to go away, the Prophet sallallahu
alayhi wa sallam receives revelation, tells her to come
back, and says that Allah has revealed something better. And
then the verse that we often question, the verse that mentions
the concept of Lord and the disputed idea of what Lord means
is the verse revealed. Why does the Prophet saw them for those who
accept this as an authentic narration, again, it's not
accepted as authentic fully from all the scholars of Hadith, but
for those who see it as the Sabbath. And one of the reasons of
the revelation, why would the Prophet Muslims say that a better
person, a better solution, has been renewed? Imagine if the
Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam had said that the way a
woman gets back at her husband, if he attacks her, is by attacking
him. Now one obviously a woman or a man who is being abused has the
right to defend themselves 1,000,000%
there is a difference in Islamic law between domestic violence and
lor. They are two completely different things. This is a
society. We're not going into the concept of Lor here because it's a
different lecture, but the concept of durb was brought as a means of
anger management and reconciliation between the spouses
in a time, in a time where men would meet their wives, and it was
considered acceptable, this is mentioned by Ibn ashul, so when we
have now the Prophet saw them receiving revelation. And what is
the beginning of this verse,
and that men are Moon over women. What does it mean? There's only
one other ayah in the Quran where men's status is mentioned, and
it's William
that men have a degree over woman that is mentioned in verses of
divorce. So the only two places that we have a discussion of men's
status in this particular way is in verse in reference to verses of
divorce, and another one in which the Quran is responding to
reconciliation between spouses with particular steps. Again,
we're not talking about what love means today, but I can tell you
with full confidence that is, it is a means of reconciliation
between spouses and bringing them together.
So what does it actually mean, then for men to be a moon? Let's
discuss that
right now. What we are seeing in Palestine are men who are in flip
flops, men who have a T shirt on, who are digging through rubble
with their hands to save their family members. We have seen men
who are holding children rushing from hospitals with themselves,
pouring with blood. We have seen men who are riding on the burial
shroud of their wife, Kali wanuri, welcome my life, my my heart, my
my moon. We have seen men uphold other men and weep with them. When
we see this level of emotion and this level of dedication, we are
not seeing men say women take care of genocide. We are seeing men
step up and protect women with their body.
90s, and we see women also partnering with men and protecting
the society, but that feeling of seeing men stand and be defenders,
when we saw that one of the hospitals was targeted, the young
men
of came and they defended the hospital with their bodies. They
were chanting, has been Allah killed, chanting that they are
going to be there to defend the hospital with their bodies. I was
so blessed and privileged to visit mashallah this past Ramadan and
what I actually messaged my friends while I was there in
Mashallah. I said, the men here are showing our Allah, what Allah
looks like. Why? Because there was a chala, and they're standing
there and they're calling the crowds. It's like hedge, and
everyone is stuck together trying to get through the city. And the
men are calling out, Hala, watch out. There's a small step right
there. You might drink if you don't see it. There was a man
standing behind me. We are packed like sardines. I mean, everybody
is stuck together. There was a man standing behind me, and he left
this much space between us, and he was very physically like, like,
like, straw, like, I don't know, stronger or bigger, I guess I
should say, like this. And he was physically protecting the crowd
from bumping into me. And he would keep calling out, Stop pushing me.
There is a woman in front of me. I saw a feeling, the feeling of what
inspires the concept of awamun, when women feel safe, when women
feel taken care of, when women feel supported and heard and seen.
This societal concept then creates an environment, an environment
where women are open to listening and ready to share and have
communication to consider the leadership of someone she respects
and she admires because she trusts that he has her best entrance at
heart. We see this in the Companions roll the Allahu Anhu.
When we look at the Companions, we have narrations of the way that
they would interact with one another and the shift that
happened with Revelation. So for example, we have Alma Radi Allahu
anhu, who, before Islam, would physically assault those who would
serve Him, who were women, because they converted, and then
afterwards, he said, we used to think of woman as nothing until
what it wasn't until a woman fought for their rights. It was
until God revealed what he revealed and divided, what he
divided, he gave women rights, and so men listened to the rights that
women had. One Ahmad Ali allahine, who was the leader of the
believers, there would be women who would stop him, who would call
out in the middle of a crowd, who, as he's walking with an entourage
of men who are part of his cabinet. Would correct him, and
there's a narration about jaud, and he would say, you're going to
stop and listen to a woman when all of these men are trying to
talk to you. And he corrected him, and he said that this is a woman
who Allah listened to. Of course, I'm going to listen to her. I
would stand here as long as she wants me to stand here. And the
only reason I would leave is her salah, and then I would come back.
This change in the way that men saw women was apparent in their
narrations of Revelation, including in the way that women
participated with men. The Prophet Phil Islam said that women are the
twin halves of men, when speaking to men, that women are your twin
halves, they are your partners, which is why we see there were 30
women on the battlefield in the time of the companions. And we see
narrations from women in buchare and in Muslim talking about how
they would serve in the wounded and take care of those who've
passed Imam and Noah. We mentioned that the women were there part of
taking care of those who were sick and wounded, those who they were
mahram with they would touch in the area all over there, but those
who they were not, they would only touch in the areas that were of
necessity. The point is that they are working together in dire
circumstances. And the Prophet sallallahu, alayhi wa sallam is
teaching the men that women are in this space as well. And there are
ways in which we support each other, even in a space like
battle. So we see that women were actively part of the society.
We're actively questioning even the prophets of Allah, who are
they? Who is Salam, and being responded to, receiving guidance
and mentorship on how to navigate that relationship. But we also see
the societal shift. Why? Because imagine a society where as women,
we are told that you are property, and many of your sisters have been
killed because they were born girls. How is that going to impact
women's psyche? So to shift that narrative and to have a society
now in which men and women are partners, it.
Except that men have something else for women too. What is that
something else? Ibn Abbas mentions, it's technique. It's
extra responsibility towards women. Other narrators of excuse
me, commentators of Quran, when they're looking at Adan Nisa, they
have differences of opinion. One some scholars, this is a minority
of scholars. They say that this verse doesn't actually mean that
all men are Kowa Moon for all women. They say that this is
specific to husbands and wives. Why? Because of the rest of the
verse addressing the relationship between husbands and wives. The
majority of commentators, though, say that this is between men and
women in general. And what does it actually mean? How are men
a Razi Ibn Ashur, a swabuni and so many other narrators of tefesir
that we look at from the classical times until more contemporary
times define it in specific ways. One, that men are financially
responsible for women. Two, that men are the caretakers and
supporters of women. Three, that men are the defenders of women.
Four, women who are listening many, many times if someone has
had understandable trauma, it's very hard to navigate these
associations with the concept of men being protectors because of
trauma, and it's really important for us now to acknowledge that our
community has trauma. This is real in our community, which is why
it's so important to go to therapy, why it's so important to
navigate what that looks like. But also, Allah didn't simply say that
woman men are this way. Just because they are born men, they
have a responsibility to to to fulfill these aspects of manhood
towards women. If they do not, they are not fulfilling the
concept of being a wa moon. And then legal aspects come into play.
Legal aspects, such as this verse talks about new shoes of the
woman. But there's another ayah in the Quran that talks about the new
shoes of the man. What is the new shoes? What is new shoes? New
shoes in general, because this is a super short lecture, and I only
have two minutes left is the concept of rebelling against your
spouse for no reason. It's unilateral rebellion, as in the
your spouse, whether your husband or wife treats you kindly,
respectfully, you listen to one another, and yet the other person
tries to harm the other person, not to get back at the other
person, but just because, how do the scholars describe the new
shoes of the husband? Now, there are differences of opinion between
them and but to give you a brief summary of the general overarching
concept, to be verbally abusive to her, to neglect, neglect her, to
make fun of her, to speak ill of her with his friends, to
physically abuse her, to abuse her in the bedroom, to be harmful to
her in money, to travel without her permission.
These are general aspects that talk about physical and emotional
harm from the man is all considered new shoes as well. This
means that a man is who is not practicing the concept of Tiwana,
he's entering into these aspects. And this is when she can take it
into a court, and she can ask for her rights in a court. Now, of
course, women are have definitions of issues as well. This isn't that
lecture at this time. That's why I'm focusing on dilemma. But the
point is that Islamic law doesn't simply say maybe you have
struggles with considering men as people who are safe for you
because you've had childhood trauma, therefore that's all. No
Islamic law puts safeguards into place to ensure that women and men
have their rights and responsibilities met from a legal
perspective, which means that when a man is away, he is taking care
of her financially. But sometimes women may feel that dependency
causes her to be trapped because of very real circumstances. So
Islamic law then puts other economic options for women to
navigate with the support of her husband before they get married,
so that she always has a sense of her economic stability, even in
times where there is instability within the home. The general
concept of kawama is one which is intended to bring harmony
reconciliation and stability between spouses. It is one which
is intended to create a place.
Where children feel like they're heard and seen because they see
their parents hearing and seeing one another. And being able to
facilitate that type of environment is something we see so
much so in the companions that when a man came to AMR the because
he wanted to complain about her, his wife, he heard her shouting at
Omar through the door. When they finished, he asked for permission
to enter, and he said to Alma Abu, I wanted to complain about my
wife, but then I came in and I heard your wife yelling at you.
Amanudi, Allahu, Anhu responded, saying she does so much for me.
She does so much for me. What is it if she just needs to let off
some steam and have me listen to what she says that relationship we
see in the time of the Prophet, because he also got into
arguments. And, excuse me, the Mothers of the Believers got into
arguments with the Prophet, sallAllahu alayhi wa sallam. We
see that through the best of companions, including including
Ali and Fauci level, the Allahu Akuma, we have narrations of the
best of the best getting in to marriage conflict, which teaches
us that it's okay to have disagreement, it's okay to have
issues, it's okay to be upset and need some space. And with that, we
are still allies. We are still partners. We work towards building
trust and harmony and action and love in action and compassion with
one another. And most importantly, we build our relationship based on
our connection with Allah, subhanaw, Taala and inshallah.
We're going to hear much more specific details from the expert
doctor Inshallah, behind the Commission on Aida hayna and Pista
fear.