Maryam Amir – Hijab Haifaa Younis
AI: Summary ©
The host of Tuesday night discusses the challenges of dress code and finding a woman to practice Islam, emphasizing the importance of personal and professional support and finding the right balance between protecting roles and finding the right balance between protecting others. The speaker also emphasizes learning from others and grounding one's authentic self, as well as finding a support group for those who have these struggles.
AI: Summary ©
Bismillah, man, you're walking
assalamu, Alaikum, Asmaa Kato, Bismillah. Alhamdulillah. Was a
lot of Salaman Ali. He also
welcome to another Tuesday night program where
this time we're gonna touch a hot topic, as I always call it one of
the hottest topic related to women. One of them is not all of
them, but this is definitely one of them. Is the hijab. And I use
this word and we put it in the title, simply because this is the
commonest word used to refer to the woman dress code, Islamic
woman dress code, and it's so interesting Subhanallah that this
is not a new topic. It's been there as long as I can remember,
probably, definitely, more than 15 years ago, because I was still
studying in the United States, I have not yet moved overseas to
study formally, and there was a huge discussion in our community
that I was asked to give a talk about it, and And subhanAllah. I
still remember it was one of the most well attended talk,
why it is so
interesting, if I want to use the word, why it is, once you bring
this word or that topic, why it to bring a lot of attention,
including this Tuesday, this today, subhanAllah, we already
start getting questions and start getting requests cover this and
discuss this and this and that.
Let's put it this way, and I am going to speak from my heart
today, as well as my beautiful guest, who I will introduce very
soon. This is very personal,
and it is not an easy topic to discuss,
to practice, to defend. It's extremely challenging. And I'm
going to start by saying this, every woman who's listening to me,
or every man, every Muslim who's listening to me, and I'm speaking
again from my heart as a woman who put her hijab, not as a very young
age.
It is not easy to do, especially in the beginning, and it is not
easy to keep again, especially in the beginning. It brings a lot of
challenges, brings a lot of conflict, and I'm talking
internal, let alone external. Internally as a woman
wearing the headscarf and wearing Islamically pleasing to Allah
dress, especially in this day and age, is not easy. And I always say
this to every woman. If you think this is easy in the beginning,
then I will say two things, either Allah has blessed you with
something you have to be extremely grateful, or you probably have not
done it yet. So I am not going to start this topic by saying, What
is the big deal? Why we have to talk about it. It's very common.
Everybody should do it. Everybody should do it. But it's not easy,
and this is what we are Inshallah, going to try to cover today.
There's couple of issues, or couple of points makes this topic
even more difficult, the argument, and I'm going to put it in five
points, and my guest, who I will introduce very soon, we will cover
as much as Allah subhanta. Allah will put barakah in our time, and
I will ask my beautiful audience, please write your questions. We
will do our best to entertain and as much as Allah again, put
barakah in our time, the controversy about it, if you want
to use the controversy Islamically, there is no
controversy. I'm talking about reality. What we live in the
society around us, in Muslim and a non Muslim world,
the question of obligation, people argue that it is not an
obligation. It's not in the Quran, it was not meant for everybody.
That's the number one second point we're going to cover. Inshallah,
is it really a choice? Did Allah.
Give me, as a woman, a choice to do it or not do it, and if I do
it, I will be a better Muslim in front of Allah's panta Allah. And
if I don't do it, that's my choice, because that's we hear
this a lot, and we really have to look it in it. And I'm asking
everybody who's listening to me today, again, men and women, I
want you to open your heart and don't bring anything else, just be
as if you have an empty cup. And we're going to speak very frankly,
pleasing to Allah, so is it an obligation? Is it a choice, or I
have no choice. Number three, why it is so difficult to, number one,
to put it,
to take that path. And even more, why it is so hard to keep keep it,
keep wearing it. And this is what we are seeing. And one of the
comments I had for the last two days, once we start advertising
this topic is please. It's becoming norm. Even not very young
ladies are taking it off. What is the issue? Why it is so hard to
keep it
and the last thing I want, Inshallah, again, we'll put
barakah in our time. What is the solution? How do I make it easier?
How do I obey Allah? Subhanta, Allah in my daily life, in
everything, and today, we are focusing on the hijab. How do I
make it easier? What is the solution? Just do it. Yeah, I can
say it. But who is going to listen and really practice it. So it's
give me a great pleasure to have in our Tuesday program a very dear
human being to my heart. And interestingly, I didn't remember I
met her SubhanAllah. She just told me recently that I met her more
than what is it, 1215, years if we can have sister Mariam on on us,
on the screen, and it was actually in the MCA in California, and I
was just telling her it was the first year that Allah tested me by
not inviting me to go for Umrah in Ramadan. And this is before I
moved to study, and it was extremely hard for me. But I said,
okay, my sister lives in California, so I'm gonna go and
visit them in Ramadan. And I spend the last 10 nights in the
beautiful Majid of MCA, and sister Mariam was just telling me, I came
and asked you a question. Of course, I don't remember,
Alhamdulillah,
so it gives me a great pleasure. We met again, not in person, yet.
May Allah make it happen.
Beautiful group. It's called female scholar group, and it is a
beautiful group. I cannot speak enough about it, where you have
all these women from different parts of the world, subhanAllah,
different ages, different background, different location,
different studies and background. But all join in. They studied
Islamic Studies, and their goal is to serve this Deen. And this is
how we reconnected with Sheik hamari, may Allah, bless her. And
I'm going to introduce her as the first thing I love to introduce
woman always. She's a mother,
and she's a mother of two. Masha, Allah, Allah. And I think it's
four and two. Yeah. Mariam, yeah. Is it four and two? Tabarak, yeah?
Two boys, yes. Two boys. May Allah, bless them, four and two.
The second thing I would love to introduce her is she is the
carrier of the book of Allah, Hafiz, Aliki, tabula, and may
Allah keep you happy, Allah, and may Allah make the Quran half a
lucky that it keeps you now. The other interesting thing, which
this is very common discussion. She also studied non Islamic
Studies, and she's actually a graduate. He has a bachelor degree
in child and adolescent development from San Jose,
California University, and a second bachelor degree in Islamic
study through al as her university, Alhamdulillah,
memorize her Quran. She's also a part of Al hikma Academy. Am I
right? Institute? Yes, yes, Alhamdulillah. And she with all
what I just shared with you, with the two boys foreign to
Alhamdulillah. She has traveled, she has given a lot of talks, and
she has a beautiful project that I would love for her to talk about
it later in the program and to spread the knowledge of Allah,
subhanta Allah, in the nice, in the beautiful way. And most
importantly, what's pleasing to Allah. Subhanta Allah, welcome my
beautiful with us. May Allah accept from all of us, and may
Allah reward everybody we already have, more than 150 people joined
us. I told you the topic is a hot one. Hot
Topic.
Come on in Bismillah.
I just wanted to start by saying it's such an honor to be in the
same space as Dr heifa. I'm basically going to be listening
and nodding and clapping and saying Allah akota The entire
time, and that's my role. But everything that she said, it was
such an honor to meet you when I did Subhanallah, I had a question.
I had literally no one was in the message except for you and
SubhanAllah. I
don't know why you weren't meant to go for Amra that year, but I
had an urgent question answered for, for for my worship, may Allah
bless you and reward you and raise your ranks and Alhamdulillah for
the opportunity to to be in touch with you and learn from you now.
Inshallah,
so as I, as we discussed earlier, before the program, number one, is
this an obligation? And the answer is, yes, am I right? Absolutely.
And I always say this,
there is things in this Deen that is not easy, especially in this
day and age. My first step to accept it is accept. It's an
obligation. That's the first thing. Now, practicing it is the
next step. Allah will make it easy. Ya, Rabbi, help me. I'm
weak. That's a different story. But to start with and why? The
issue that it is not an obligation. Why? Simply because of
this, because in the Quran, the word hijab, it's used, but it is
not used in that context. It is not used in the context of dress
code, and that's where the confusion comes in. So where is it
in the Quran and I had this discussion again, probably the
same time when he met, and this time was with a man, and he kept
telling me, it's not in the Quran. And I said, you're right, it's not
in the Quran. He couldn't believe I said this. And I said, the word
hijab is not in the Quran related to the dress code.
However, there is two verses in the Quran, and I'm gonna just
any refer to them. But I'm not going to go to the whole detail of
tafsir, because we are going to cover the whole topic. It's two
places where Allah referred to the dress code of the woman. One is in
Suratul Nur, and Surat a nur is 24 the chapter and the verse is two,
is 31
minati abnamin Abu of say basal Allah to the believing woman, you
and me. Every believing woman is hearing us. Every believe. You
believe in Allah. You believe in a raswahan. This ayah is for you.
Yeah. Sorry. Lower your gaze. Wa Jahna, and guard your private part
when a yoga Dinah, that's number one, don't show your beauty.
Please remember this, this phrase, because this is so much related to
the topic, don't show your beauty. Illa maharam and Ha accept what it
is obvious or it needs to be shown.
And now, when you're been hungry behind, that's the verse,
literally, to hit. But reality, it's not to hit in the Arabic
language only, it's whenever two surfaces are attached to each
other, Abdur You use it when someone hits someone. Why? Because
your that part of your body is touching and getting attached to
the other part of the body of the person being hit. Or when we when
we say death them using instrument and we hit, they call Abu deaf
because it is touching
the Abdul rabness Or bring something close to something. What
is that? Ya Allah be home, or him? That's the word. There is no hijab
here. What is him? Are him? Are we need to learn the language of the
Quran and the language Allah, subhanta, Allah used, and the
Arabic language al himar from hammer, actually Hamer alcohol in
Arabic, the root is the same anything that covers
and hammer. Alcohol called hammer because it covers the intellect.
What is homorina? Homori Al himar is a piece of cloth that usually
covers the hair. Once I say khimar, that means the hair is
covered, like when I say a trouser. Trouser mean the private
part and the legs part of it, or all of it, is covered, right? And
Allah is not saying you cover your hair. The hair is already covered
in you be him
on their jabe. Jade is the opening. You know that, like the V
neck, the V neck, that's a jabe. And at that time, they used to
cover they drop like.
The Jupiter these days we see it cover the hair and throw it in the
back, but this part is showing and Allah said, and this is an order,
by the way, while Yad any order in the Quran means it's an
obligation, unless there is another place or in the same verse
that changes it.
And Allah said, Tell them your bring it tight. Let this. Touch
this. Allahummari, Allah, you been cover it. And he again, says, wala
yogdina, Zina tahun, don't show your beauty. And then he went on,
Allah in who are the people that I can show my beauty. That's number
one. So Ayat Nur, the chapter is 24 ayah, 31 second one is Al
hazab, and then azab is 33 chapter 33 the verse is 59 yayohabi. This
is to rahisa. Oh Prophet, all Prophet say as well, jika, your
wives, wabanatika, your daughters. When he said, meaning and the
believing woman, question I'll throw to everybody listening to
us. Am I meaning? Are you Lisa? Are you a believing woman? Yes or
no. Of course, yes. You believe in Allah. You believe in raswada. It
doesn't matter once, it doesn't matter what we are doing. We are
all sinners, but I am a believing that's verses for me.
Yay one. Nabi Prophet, say,
as logical your wives, wabanatika, your daughters. When he said, I
mean you diminje, abihin, Jill Bab, that's the word in the Quran,
and what is Jill? Bab, there is a lot of discussion in the again, in
the tafsir in general. What I came in conclusion, after looking at
many tafas here is the dress that covers the body of the woman,
covered the body of the woman, long and covers the body of the
woman, whether it is an abaya, whether it is a long white sherwal
Kanis, whether it's a long film under it a white pants like what
you see in Turkey, As long as it is wide and does not describe the
body.
These are the two orders in the Quran.
These are muckam. We say it when you study the Quran. These verses
is no doubt about them.
No doubt about them. Obligation number two, and that's where I
want Maryam to jump in. Sheik Mariam, the word choice here.
Sheik ha Mariam, you hear this a lot.
It's my choice to wear it or not to wear it. Have you heard that?
Absolutely. Please, please come on in and comment on it. There is an
interesting concept with choice. A lot of times when we look at women
who are hijab or struggle with hijab, or choose to remove hijab,
one of the points that are brought in is that they the recognition
that it's an obligation, yes, but at the same time, thinking that it
is my choice whether or not I'm going to follow that obligation,
which is 100% true. But there's also this, this conversation that
I've heard so many times wrapped up in that, and that is that if
somebody feels like they're a hypocrite with wearing hijab, they
choose not to wear it, because they feel like, yes, it's an
obligation. Yes, it's a choice, whether or not I'm going to follow
that obligation, but it's more righteous not to, not to seem
hypocritical if, for example, I struggle with hijab. Maybe a
sister wears it sometimes, but not other times. And I think that that
concept wrapped up in choice is one of the things that as Muslim
woman, we need to really reconcile. Because the Prophet
Muhammad, sallAllahu, alayhi wa sallam taught us that
the Mujahid, and in this context, I'm going to say spiritual
warrior, is the one who fights against his or her soul in the
obedience of Allah. And so when we're talking about, yes, it's a
choice, whether or not you're going to follow an obligation.
It's the same thing as when we struggle to pray. Would we say
that if you struggle to pray all of the prayers, you shouldn't pray
any of them at all. You should become a perfect Muslim before you
choose to pray. We wouldn't have that type of discussion when it
comes to something as critical as Salah. So in the same way, yes,
it's a choice whether or not we're going to follow any commandment of
Allah Absolutely, but at the same time, it's an obligation from
someone who loves us more than anyone, and sometimes recognizing
that in the struggle itself, it doesn't make us hypocrite.
Radical. It doesn't make you a bad believer. In fact, the Prophet
sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is calling this person a Mujahid,
because regardless of the fact that you don't even want to do it,
you're struggling with it. Sometimes you see yourself in it
and you hate it, but you still do it anyway. You still make that
choice anyway. That person is a spiritual warrior in the say of
Allah.
So, so if I want to
summarize, I use this term and and you comment on it when people tell
me it is my choice. And I always use the same word, you know, what
is the beautiful thing about this? Deen, there's a lot of beautiful
thing about Islam, I always use these two, number one, latte 02.
Is raw.
Soul will carry the burden. The burden here means the sins of
another person. I disobeyed Allah. My mom will not be accountable
when I am grown up, right? My sister did something disobedience
to Allah. I am not going to be asked about it. Allah is going to
ask me about it. That's number one. The second beauty is manshay,
you will, you want. So the choice, and I always say this, I said
absolutely, it's a choice. The choice is to obey Allah or not to
obey Allah. It's a big word. It's the same as salah, same as fasting
Ramadan. There is no difference. No difference. Same as paying
zakah, and you are eligible to pay. It's the same. It's
obligations. So when people tell me, I don't fast Ramadan, and they
say that for no reason, I just don't fast from a one. I don't
judge anybody. I say, You know what? That's your choice. But I
will add one thing
each one of us, and I keep reminding myself of this, each one
of us, and some of you may have heard me saying this many times,
we all were going to have a private interview with Allah, each
individual Muslims, non Muslims, young and old. At what time, at
one time, wakulu home, ATI he omal, everyone. They're gonna come
to him. Subhana, alone in that private interview. There will be
nobody else with me, and nobody is going to come to my rescue. It's
going to be me, him, subhanah and my book.
I need to have a good reason to tell him why I did not choose to
obey Him, because that's the question,
that's the choice I always when it because, by the way, this is very
common, not only from people, even us individually, it comes to us
and say, I'm weak. It's very hard, and it's very hard again, in the
beginning, keep reminding myself I am going to be meeting him, and I
will need to answer to him. So the choice is, obey Him or don't obey
Him.
This brings me to the other one. Why do you think it's very
difficult? Yeah, Mariam, you grew up in this country, right? You
were born raised in California. Am I right? Yes. Okay. Is it
difficult? Yes, yes, yes, absolutely. Now, tell me why so.
So there's three different paths that I think when we as a Muslim
community will talk about, or consider luminary, PGF and the
struggle with it that we should look at. The first one is the way
we share a Muslim woman's role in our community and the emphasis on
hijab. So, for example, I was so blessed, Alhamdulillah, to travel
and we say a Quran in all women's spaces in all different parts, you
know, of the US and in the UK. And I had so many Muslim women
approach me in their 40s and their 50s, and they were telling me that
this is the first time I've ever heard a Muslim woman recite in the
Quran. I've only heard none recite in the Quran. You're the first
woman I've ever heard recite the Quran. And had I heard a woman
recite it before, I would have thought, I can do it too. And
we're talking about women who haven't heard a woman recite in
the Quran for decades, and for some reason, maybe their family,
maybe their family, maybe their community, maybe their upbringing,
because they never saw a model of it. They never thought that they
could do it too. And so sometimes, when we talk about hijab, we we so
link Muslim woman and their roles of hijab with solely this being
their only role in their relationship with Allah, subhanho
wa taala, like sometimes when we talk about your piety as a Muslim
woman, we only focus on the obligation of hijab, which is so
important, it's so critical. But we don't also provide spaces for a
woman to learn about what it's like to be a Muslim woman with the
Quran or with osul or with the Sira, what it's like to be a
Muslim woman and learning about the female companions of the
Prophet sallallahu.
Allahu alaihi wasallam. So sometimes, when we reduce the role
of a Muslim woman just to her hijab, and we don't, as a
community, focus also on building her up, mentoring her, supporting
her, when we go out in California, and all of the messages towards
woman is about your beauty and your dress size and the way you
look and the length of your eyelashes, and 15 years ago, how
thin your eyebrows were, and 15 years later, how thick your
eyebrows are. If that's the only message we're receiving in our
general society, and then we go into the Muslim community, and the
only message we're receiving in the Muslim community is your iman
is completely and only related to the way that you present yourself.
Then it leaves very little for women who are struggling with
hijab, because really the only roles that we are consistently
seeing is your your hijab is really equated to your Imaan. And
of course, it's a part of iman. But one of the reasons I think
women struggle with it is because we haven't been given the examples
of Nusrah in the battle with the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa
salam. We haven't been given detailed examples of faulty model
the Allahu Anhu as a mother and the way that she raised her
children. We haven't been given detailed examples of Han Sabin
Tamra, well, the alahaan Ha and the way that she wrote poetry. So
we have all of these different companions. Well, the Allahu anhu,
we can say, Did these incredible things with hijab, and they did
this for the sake of Allah, but we don't necessarily actively create
those roles in our communities for women to follow. And so sometimes,
when we're just reduced only all of Islam and Muslims woman spaces
just a hijab. If a woman is struggling with a different part
of Islam or her relationship with Allah, it becomes very easy to see
a hijab as the first part of that, of that, of that core of that
struggle. And another thing is that I've talked to so many Muslim
youth, and so many times these young girls in middle school are
telling me that they're wearing their hijab for the sake of their
husbands. They're telling me that they're wearing their hijab so
that they're saving themselves or so that they're they're protected
from men seeing them. And while, while protection is a one of the
wisdoms in many cases, at the same time, when we share with our young
daughters that the reason we wear hijab is protection from men, or
to protect men, and that's the only reason we wear hijab, we then
make hijab about men instead of about Allah and doctor. Hey, sir,
you beautifully spoke about the ayat. These verses are about being
a believer and your relationship with Allah. And Allah has given us
so many opportunities to step in to the roles, the raw, powerful
roles that he has created for Muslim women with all of these
different guidelines, when we make hijab only about men, we then
ignore the responsibility of men and the hijab that they need to be
wearing. If a woman never gets married, or she has trauma in her
marriage or or even any type of abuse, and especially May Allah
protect everyone, sometimes it comes from their own families. So
then does like hijab become obsolete? Is hijab no longer
relevant? It's no when we base hijab on men, we then cause women
to struggle when they have struggling relationships with men.
Because hijab is not about men, it's about Allah, and he has
created so many wisdoms in terms of the reasonings why we wear
hijab. And this point is very, I think, a nuanced one, because then
we have to look at a woman's individual reasoning for wearing
hijab. There are so many reasons why women choose to wear hijab and
choose to remove hijab, and sometimes I've met women who have
made this decision because of immense trauma. They've
experienced depression, they've experienced because they were
suicidal. I've met women who have chosen to remove it because they
struggle with their self confidence. They're in a different
part of their lives where maybe they put it on and they felt, you
know, very bold. They're very passionate about Islam. In the
MSA, they had a lot of good friends 10 years go by, you know,
maybe they've been struggling to get married, maybe they're a
mother with children, and they're going through postpartum
depression. All of these things start to impact the way that they
feel about their hijab. So there are so many reasons why different
women choose to remove it, but I think going back to this
conversation of
when we when we recognize that, yes, lehamat, it is absolutely
every single person's individual responsibility to choose to our
hijab and to to maintain that relationship with Allah. At the
same time, we have sisters who are going through a lot of different
emotional issues, and as a community, we can provide
mentorship and support so that we can help our sisters feel like
they can maintain it, so that, Inshallah, we can help our sisters
feel like this is something that I can relate to, and despite
whatever they're going through in their lives, in their
relationships, in their emotion that they have a safe place in the
masjid to come back to that they can make sujudin And they feel.
Like they belong in because so many times we don't feel like we
have a space to belong. And if you don't feel like you have a space
to belong in your own Masjid in hijab, then how can we expect
women to feel like they have a space to belong in every other
aspect of their lives? That doesn't take away anything from
the obligation of hijab and its importance, but at the same time
as a community, we should start asking ourselves, how we can
support sisters who are struggling with Egypt.
I loved what you what you said, and I just want to welcome
everybody. Alhamdulillah, I'm looking we have people from all
over the world, from
which is great, because, again, this topic needs to be discussed.
And you brought up a very good point. Number one is the example,
example we all grew up with. Example, everything, especially
young and even not very young. You always in your life there is
someone you look and you say, I want to be like her, right? Or I
want to be like him, modeling exactly, model that's him or her,
is what we sometimes are missing in our Muslim community, and I'm
talking specifically about the woman. That's where I am cautious
about using the word empowering woman, because sometimes I feel it
is being abused as a word agreed. But in the but in the Muslim
community, I agree with you, empowering women the role model,
meaning, this is how I always one of the things made me memorize the
Quran. It was a sister who I came to know. And I said, she's a
physician, and I am. She could do it. I can do it done Allah. That's
the model. That's the model. So
this is going to every woman is listening to me, Alhamdulillah in
Jannah Institute. Next month, we're going to start one of our
courses for the four is going to be the polls around the raswada.
Yes, the woman pearls. And I'm not going to talk about history,
history, you know it. But what is their role model? And it's so
interesting when you see the wives and and his daughter, each one had
a name, not their name, the nickname. They were old, because
of the role they played. And these are women, very different,
different background. So number one is, look in your community
again. Our discussion today, and I'm speaking as a physician, is
not only finding the problem. The problem is there. We know it is.
How can we solve it? Yes, what we do, at least bring the treatment.
If they want to use it, they don't. We pray for everybody. But
number one is, yes, every woman is listening to me. If you are a
woman who Allah blessed you with the strength to wear the hijab. Be
the role model for the younger people, be there for them, and
absolutely, for our massages. And that's another topic. We also
Yeah,
in Tuesday program next week, Inshallah, we have Sheik Khadi as
our guest, where we are talking about education women needs to
learn their Deen. Learn their Deen properly. Now, one of the
difficulties I have seen and I heard and I noticed, and this is
honestly my observation. These days it's very hot where I live in
Saint Louis, so when you go out to the grocery shop and you see all
these young girls, basically they are almost wearing nothing,
almost, right? I mean, barely. And I was thinking in my mind, these
young girls, the Muslim girls, when they see this, how difficult
it is for them not to be like everybody else, right, and to
blend in. But I did this search, and this search will really amaze
you. I looked, there were studies, there's studies there, and I give
you all the the reference that looked at the mental health,
religion and culture, and specifically they looked same age
group of women in different parts of the world. And I'll call the
studies that those who practice Islam, including the the dress
code, versus those who are non Muslim, non wearing and Muslim non
wearing. And they compared it, and I had this study in front of me.
It's in 2016
journal mental health, religion and culture, and they looked at
the differences in body image disordered eating between Muslim
women who do and do not wear the hijab. This is Mental and they
looked at five things. They looked at it the factors that help them
wear the hijab and what affects on their mental health. Look at this
one. Number one, they looked at the weight
the person, the woman who wears hijab, how does she look at her
weight? She How does she perceive her body image? What about
disordered eating in women who wear hijab Young? They're looking
at young, and they don't.
Out, what about religion or religiosity? If they are religious
or not, does it really make a difference? And the body image and
perceived support from Allah these
and they and the conclusion was this, they found out significantly
lower look at this weight discrepancy, social physique,
anxiety, extremely lower body dissatisfaction, drive for
thinness, internal internalization of the thing and the muscular
ideal, much lower in those who were religious, but not religious.
Externally, they know there is a support from Allah.
And this is the key in the treatment. The key they have. They
know Allah will keep them strong. Allah will support them. That's
one study, another one from Turkey. This is a Muslim country,
and this is from 2017
so this is very recent, not in the time before Islam became more
popular. And they and looked at the following. This was is they
found as the positive relationship between the body image and
regiosity. They end between Christian Muslims and non
practicing. And this is what they found,
age from 17 to 46
and they looked at external and internal, they found veiled woman,
meaning women who were hijab. And they used the word veiled. By the
way, you see this a lot in the
when you read, they don't use the word hijab. They used veiled
because that's accurate. It's more accurate. So the veiled woman
scored much lower on social appearance anxiety than non veiled
woman all form of vigilocity, which is basically intrinsic,
external, popular. All these are highly negatively correlated,
negatively meaning, the higher this, the lower is this more
religious, internally connected with a lot, much less anxiety
about social appearance,
the key, and this is one of the treatment, the key. And I say this
to every woman, young and old listening to me, and from the
bottom of my heart, and I am extremely honest, and Allah is my
witness. Nothing will keep you wearing the proper dress. And I'm
not going to use the word hijab only because that's something I'm
going to come to it later, and I want you, Maryam, to comment on
that nothing will keep you happy wearing it with confidence, unless
you have this connection with Allah,
you are connected with Al qawi, with the strong, that's His name,
then you are strong. You are connected with alcohol, then you
can overcome your weaknesses. The first issue to keep you strong, to
keep you wearing it, to make you take the first step and continue
on the path, is work on your connection with Allah span Tada,
one of the first advices I got. And we all go through this. When
you achieve what you want in life, you graduate, you get your degree,
you get married, you get your children, then at one point, you
feel there is void. There is like you got everything, what's next?
And this is very common, and the advice I heard it from many, many
scholars, is, have the right connection with Allah subhanahu wa
rectify your relationship with Allah subhanahu wa taala. And then
another study, strength of faith and body image in Muslim and non
Muslim, the stronger their faith, the less anxiety about the body
image. Another one. I have about six studies, but for the sake of
time, bottom line
cult is because where is my focus? My focus on my relationship with
Allah, then I don't see what everybody else is seeing. Am I
right here? Mariam Absolutely,
and you. I need you to hear from you as a young woman growing up.
How did you do it? You had all these, these struggles, right?
Yes, there's, there's two points you were speaking especially,
speaking, especially about the studies that I was reflecting on
my personal experiences and some of the things that I've heard from
women, and so one of them is this concept of self esteem,
the idea of comparison, the way that you see your body image and
the way that you feel about.
Yourself
absolutely. Our connection with Allah is the number one most
important factor in any struggle that we have, especially something
as public as hijab, because you only do it for the sake of Allah,
and if you do it for any other reason, it becomes very easy to
question why you're wearing it, because when it's super hot, when
you're super frustrated, when you're the only person wearing it
when you're afraid, whatever the reason is, it's very, very easy to
blame hijab, but having that connection with Allah spinal Tala
helps you get through it, like climbing a mountain. But at the
same time in climbing a mountain, the rope with Allah Spano Tala is
the connection that you have to use to get up that mountain, like,
yes, at the same time, you have to wear shoes, you have to have a
backpack that has food in it, you have to have pics to help you up
that mountain, and all of those things. Especially when it comes
to mental health, it's so important to seek therapy, to have
a support group, to recognize that if you're wearing hijab, and if
you're wearing it for the sake of Allah, and you still struggle with
your body, and you still struggle with the way that you, you know,
present yourself, and you hate yourself, and you loathe
everything about yourself. Seek professional support, a connection
with Allah. Part of the worship of Allah is taking the means. If you
don't know, ask the people who know. Thus ALU ah, nadiki in
quantum so ask the people who know if you don't know. So the
important thing, I think, when we're looking at studies like
this, is taking the comfort that there has actually been
psychological research that that our relationship with Allah can
weather us in the storm and at the same time, that doesn't mean that
we shouldn't take the means necessary to not only draw closer
to Him, but also to find the support we need from the Bab that
he has given us to be able to get through it. And then the second
point is, when we're talking about,
you know, the concept of hijab and mental health and and depression
and body image and all of those things. We also care about women
who don't wear hijab and women who are not Muslim and the way that
they feel about their bodies. And I remember once, when I was in
high school. At that time, I had just started getting into Islam,
and I was so excited about it, and I was wearing hijab, I just
started wearing Jill bab. And there was not that, not that Jill
Bab is a necessity. I just happened to wear Jill Bab in but
the concept of, you know, this very modest, loose dress. But I
was with, you know, in this class, and I started walking up to this
place where I was supposed to go, and I hear two of my male
classmates talk about another girl in our class, and they were
describing her body, and they were talking about how hot she is and
the curves are for her body. And then hearing this as I'm walking
by and and I'm about to say something, and they see me and
they say, Oh, we are so sorry that you heard it. Say that we respect
you so much we would never say something like that about you. And
I was like, why don't you respect her too? Yes, you may
carry yourself in a certain way with hijab, which is
comprehensive. Hijab is not just about covering. It's a
comprehensive interaction with other people. It's the way you're
generous with people. It's the way that you lower not just your eyes
but your thoughts from certain things. This is why Allah
subhanahu wa talks about men and commanding them to lower their
gaze before the ayat on, the ayah on, on, lowering your gaze and and
and covering for women, because if, if we don't train our men to
wear their hijab, if we do not have men who are aware of their
responsibility and supporting women, and not just Muslim women
who are hijab, but all women, all women are their sisters in
humanity. They should respect any person. Now, of course, we were
hijab because Allah SWT knows that this is the best for us. He's an
Hakim, and he is the one who has, has mandated this, mandated this
for us, out of His love for us. And at the same time as women who
wear hijab, we have to work to create a society where other women
who are not Muslim, where other women who are Muslim but don't
wear hijab find that with women in hijab too, they feel a sense of
support and safety, and they feel that with men. And I've actually
met women who've converted to Islam because they were in a bar
and they were with Muslim men. And of course, Muslim men and women
should not go to bars to make Dawa, but they were getting drunk
with someone, and they said this Muslim man, even though he knew he
was doing something wrong, he treated me with more respect than
any other man has ever treated me in a bar. And that's what made her
want to learn about Islam. So the concept of obviously, that's not a
good example. But my point is that hijab is not just about the way
that we dress. It's also about our interactions, not just the concept
of modesty, but also the concept of caring and supporting people.
Because when you have a sense of haya and the sense of heyba in
front of Allah, you.
Want to create. This is a society where people are respected to and
hijab is something that's supposed to inculcate that's within
ourselves and in our interactions with other people.
I fully agree with you. Yeah, Mariam, I have couple of things
Subhana, as you were talking, came to my mind, and this is going to
be to every woman who have not yet started, she's thinking of it, but
she has this fear, and this fear is so real. One of the questions I
had when I first did it, and from one of my family member said, what
about if you changed your mind? What about six months from now you
find out that this is not for you, yes, and it's so true. It is so
true. And Allah sent me a friend who taught me this dua. And then,
of course, I learned, and I'm gonna say this dua to everyone,
and this you can apply it in any step, in any act of worship. You
want to obey Allah, you started, but then you are back, or you're
so hesitant to start, and we are subject is woman dressed, so we'll
use it for that. Allahumma ini as Alok hasta bat Allahu in me as
Alok a tabat. Look at what I am saying. Ya, Allah returning to
Him, not to anyone and who's going to respond,
who else will respond, the person in need, except Allah, Allahu,
Allah in me, as I look I ask you at tabat, steadfastness,
steadfastness. May Allah reward the person who taught me this long
time ago, when I first did it,
I can't tell you what this dua added. And now, in every challenge
and challenges in life, it's not ending. This is life, right? So
that's number one. Number one is feeding up and down is very
common. But the feeding up and down doesn't mean when I am down,
I am going to just succumb to it and I just it's my choice. No,
that's the easy way. That's what I say to myself. The easiest way is
to sleep in the morning and don't wake up at 4am right? Or 5am much
easier, right? Much easier, to be like everybody else. Allahumma and
number one, number two. Remember this hadith my beautiful sisters,
ja al Islam, Ariba, wasa
Islam came as a stranger,
and it will return as a stranger. Toba, glad tiding place in Jannah.
For those strangers, do you want to be a stranger?
Do you want to be a stranger? What a stranger. We're all strangers,
but you want to be a stranger in the sight of Allah? This is what
we need to keep reminding ourselves, how to stay strong,
because if we don't stay strong, we will get weak. We will get
weak. Absolutely. What advice you give? Ya Mariam, and this is very
popular these days social media. I call it sila khandu Haddam. It's a
weapon with two peers, one can kill you and one can lift you up.
So we see an amazing examples, amazing examples, of women, dress,
speak, act, and have a lot of followers. We have women who,
mashallah, Barak, Allah, have amazing causes, really causes,
pleasing to Allah. A lot of followers. But then suddenly they
were dressed the way Allah, subhanta, Allah want us, meaning
covered. And I know one point when I talk about hijab, I don't talk
about head cover only
it's not showing the beauty of your body. And then they take it
off
this I hear this almost every day. What should we do
as people? Want everyone to obey Allah, so I'm not
going to say to specific people,
but I'd like to talk on on the culture. There's this culture
right now which is like, Be your authentic self. You do you, this
is my truth. And while there are so many benefits in those terms
when they're connected to what grounds us, which is a
relationship with Allah, those terms can actually be very harmful
if you do you and speaking your authentic truth isn't grounded in
something when we are 19 or when you're Think of yourself at 14.
Think of yourself at 24 Think of yourself at 54 the things that are
important to you at 14 are gonna be very different from 54 you
might have some core principles that you stick with, but your life
experiences the people who have come to you.
The trauma you've experienced, the joys you've experienced, all of
those things are going to shape who you are in different parts of
your life. This is why it's a Rahma and an incredible mercy. The
Allah has given us something to ground us. Being your authentic
self is so special when you ground that with understanding your
relationship with Allah, and so I like to use the term your eternal
self, because we don't just have this moment. We don't know how
long we're going to be here on Earth, but we do know that we have
an entire hereafter where we pray that we will be with the Prophet
Muhammad, sallAllahu, alaihi wasallam, and our loved ones and
the highest paradise. And so when we look at that snapshot your
eternal self is who you'd like to be in the moment you're taking
that final breath where you wish you would be. And how do you get
there, that process in a culture that tells you to just be
yourself, yes, be yourself, but you know what yourself can look
like. It can look like the things that you identify with, but it can
also look like that grounded in this outward appearance of hijab.
Now I know me saying that can cause people to say, Well, do you
mean that people who take off their hijab don't have a
relationship with Allah? People say, You don't know my
relationship with Allah. You know like my heart is where only Allah
can judge my heart Absolutely. I don't feel like I don't feel like
I even need to make those statements because they're so
obvious and we we all know that we all support them. But I think
speaking to this culture of recognizing that
we talk about Allah sometimes in our community without giving ideas
on how to make that connection. Jean Assad, Jina and Dr Ginan
wrote a book called The names of Allah. It's the names of Allah
series. It's on virtual mosque.com I recommend every person there go
through one article a week, pick a name of Allah that you read two
minutes of, and then you make dua to Allah by that name that entire
week. And then the next week you choose another. And the next week
you choose another, because we when we talk about you have to
have this connection with Allah, absolutely. But then sometimes we
don't know who Allah is, and the messages that we've been given,
especially specifically as a woman, is often rooted in your
piety is very much attached to the way that you're dressed. And so if
someone is struggling with that, they don't know how they can come
to Allah if they're struggling with the thing that's supposed to
make them the most pious, and that's not the message of Islam
that sometimes the message our community gives us. So how can I
connect to Allah? By each of his specific names? Reading the Quran
in In high school, for me, changed my life. I read it in the English
translation. I'm not Arab. I didn't, I didn't study Arabic. At
that time, reading the translation changed my life. And you know, Dr
hayfat, when I transitioned my hijab to start covering myself
like the way I'm wearing it right now, I hated it. I remember
standing in front of the mirror and just praying like you said, Oh
Allah, make it beloved to me because I hated it. So Allah, make
it beloved to me. Make it beloved to me. And I started to learn who
Allah is. I trusted him because I read his book in English, learning
about the messages he's given me. I'm starting to learn about his
names and attributes. And I said, I'm going to accept that. This is
what Allah is asking of me, even if I don't understand it. And I'm
not saying women who've removed their hijab haven't done that. I'm
telling you my personal experience that process is what saved me when
I struggled with my hijab. Today, I'm running after toddlers. It is
super hot. Sometimes my hijab gets in the way. I'm frustrated. I'm
sweating, and I'm saying, oh, Allah, let me go to a place in
paradise where I can feel the things that I'm asking for right
now, because I know who he is, so I trust what he's asked me to do.
And again, I'm not saying you don't know that as someone who's
struggling with your hijab, I'm just saying, instead of focusing
on why you want to remove it, ask yourself, why should you keep it
on? Sometimes, when we think about the reasons why a sister wants to
remove it, it's not necessarily hijab itself. It's something she's
going through. I've been approached by so many women going
through divorce or struggling to get married, or in struggling
marriages who want to remove it because of that relationship,
that's not hijab, that's your relationship. If that was not
there in your life, would you be struggling with hijab? Think about
the cause of what's causing you to struggle with hijab, and if that
was removed, is it that that's causing you to struggle, or is it
your hijab? And look at really, you know, just make that
distinction between hijab and what you're struggling with. And then
finally, sometimes women struggle in our community because of a
misunderstanding and misapplication of ayat and a
hadith that we don't understand as women. Sometimes those ayat and
Ahadith, which are so beautiful and healing for us when we
understand them, can be presented in a way that.
Really causes harm for women, and that can be on by an individual.
It can be even in the policy of a masjid that's based in a
misunderstanding or a cultural issue, not actually Islam. And so
women struggle with their Imaan, and they struggle with their hijab
because of those messages that they're they're receiving from
from these structures or from these individuals. And really
learn about these the very I took a class in college. It was called
a woman in Islam. I took it because I thought, I'm going to
teach the professor about the most empowering things about Islam. I
knew that she was going to say things that were trying to show
how Islam doesn't empower women. And again, that word empowerment,
but this concept of uplift women. And she brought up things that I
had no idea how to how to respond to my Iman was so challenged in
that class that it took me three years before I was able to
actively study women in Islam again, because I was so afraid
that if I studied women's issues that it would cause me to go
further away from Allah. But I focused my time on memorizing the
Quran. I focused my time on learning Arabic so that I could
access the text that taught us about the sahabih and all of these
issues that sometimes we think are all of Islam that might be one
opinion or might be one message cultural practice. And when we
look at those areas, and we look at a Muslim woman comprehensively,
the culture that we can create in our massage, it is one where
Muslim women want to feel want to Raja because they feel supported
in it. They feel like they can be assertive and dynamic and
energetic, and that's all modest, too. All of those things are still
modest when you do them in a modest way. And so for us, I
think, as a community, when we look at recreating the spaces that
we have, we can, Inshallah, then hope that Muslim women who
struggle with this issue can see these ayat and these Ahadith, get
the answers that they're looking for, and then feel like they can
continue to wear hijab, feeling strong in it, because they see it
as a form of this raw power that Allah Subhanallah has given Muslim
women, and not a tool of inequality or just disempowerment,
which is unfortunately, oftentimes, not just A personal
feeling that a woman feels, but a message that she receives from the
way that the structure of the
community is created. It's extremely I loved it. SubhanAllah.
We have only three minutes left, but I just want to add a couple of
things
the base to start with, in any act of obedience to Allah, right?
Whether it is the dress code, whether it's my salah, whether it
is my submission to Allah, whether accepting the test, the challenges
I go that we need to it's the foundation like you're building a
home. Look at now my relationship with Allah, I am building a home,
right? And Allah gave me the material. He gave it to me. Most
of us born as Muslims. He gave it free. Some had to go and buy it.
The foundation of that house is the following,
and it back to knowing Allah. Allah is Allah. Allah is the just.
Number one. Number one, every ruling he put is just, I can
understand it. I cannot. It's difficult. Society will not accept
it. That doesn't make it wrong. It just. Allah is the just. That's
number one. Number two, Allah is a Kawi. And I say this again,
because I use this name a lot every time I feel weak. Ya Kawi
kawini, that's how I say it, even physically, when I get overwhelmed
at work and I really have to go and do something, and I was like,
ya Kawi kawini, you are all strong. Give me the strength. We
are nothing. Ya. Hanas and tumultu Illah,
oh, people, you are the beggars, the poor, if you compare to Allah,
and Allah is all honey or Hamid, he's all rich. He's self
sufficient. So the foundation, and this is to every woman struggling.
Took it off you wanted to put it back. You already did it and you
want to stay strong. Foundation is everything Allah said is a truth.
The way it's presented, the way I look at it, that's a different
thing. Number one. Number The challenge is the people around us.
And there was a question, who I put it beautifully, and please
forgive me, sisters, we can't take all the questions inshaAllah, if
Allah, we may do part two of this. Yamariam, number two is the
people. The most challenging
factor to a woman when she decide to do it is the people around her.
The question comes in, what people will say about me, how people
would accept me. I say this, or I hear this all the time. Are you
telling me tomorrow I'm gonna go to the workplace where I've been
there for a year or two and they suddenly see me different, or I am
gonna go to the class and they used to me. My answer is the
following,
if you decide tomorrow you're not blind.
It, or you are blonde, and tomorrow you decide you're going
to change your hair color.
You are not blonde, you decide you want to be blonde, and you are not
blonde, and you and you are blonde and decided to make your hair
black. What is going to happen next day? When you're going to go,
everybody will look at you, everybody will ask you, right? And
then second and third day done,
meaning any change, people will ask, just get ready. Just get
ready for that day. And keep asking. Allah, to keep you strong.
What about husbands? And that question came into very true
scenario when the husband does not accept that's a very difficult
one. And I will not give a general answer, because it's every case by
its case, but it is a true scenario in general. Ask Allah to
change that person heart. Ask Allah to give you patience. Ask
Allah to give you to keep you strong again. If you heard
anything common between all of us, what we said today is it is a
relationship with Allah, Subhanahu wa
strong rope of Allah. Hold to it. Maybe the change will not come
right away. I can share with you scenarios of people I know where
the husband absolutely said it's either your head cover. Actually,
he didn't even say, head cover, what you have on your head, or I
am leaving you with the four children.
Yes, these are reality. And of course, she had not to do it at
the moment because there's four children.
But guess course, but guess what happened? Patient, a lot of dua.
She was obeying Allah and everything. And Allah knows her
heart is there. After two years she did it, and he's absolutely
fine with it.
Allah
changes. So ladies, what I'm trying to say, and Mariam, I will
leave you the last word, don't and I say this to myself before
anyone, don't sell your dunya. Don't sell your akhira. For dunya,
it doesn't worth it. It's a lost game. How long we will live? How
long we will live, 50, 6080,
and the eternal? Is there?
Eternal is there now shared one Hadith of arisato, and this is
about dress code in general, and this is in Muslim. And he said,
Two group of people, I have not seen them yet.
Group one is men who will be carrying a look like and they will
be hitting people.
And number two woman, and this is what he said, casatu nariat, they
are dressed, but they are as if they are not dressed, described,
they're here, and they and he said, these two group of people
will not smell the smell of Jannah.
Does a treaty worth it. Does it really worth it? And this question
to everybody, does it really worth it to sell my Jannah, my eternal
for a 50 or a 60 year to please these people?
Mariam, I leave the last word to you. I just want to add one thing,
and then, Inshallah, have an ending point with regards to
marriage, subhanAllah, that Allah changed that person, that
husband's heart, and that hamdulite, she was able to wear
hijab with support. This is obviously a different discussion,
like Dr haysat mentioned, but there are actually obviously
abusive husbands and husbands who you know have all these
circumstances. So please seek professional help as well. When
you're going through this process, make and seek help from
professionals. And I know that's what Dr haysat Would intended as
well. But the last point that I want to leave you with is that
sometimes, you know, we we feel like we're going away from Allah,
and so we don't necessarily seek all of the means to run back to
him, because we might not feel like we're good enough. And I hear
this all the time, I don't feel like Allah can ever forgive me. I
don't know how Allah will ever forgive me, because I haven't
forgiven myself. And when we look at Aisha radila, she made a
statement, and that was that if the Prophet sallallahu alayhi
salam, because the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, said
he he told us, do not prevent the female slaves of Allah from ever,
the female servants of Allah from going to the houses of Allah. And
Aisha radila, one has said about her time, the woman in her time.
But if she had, if the Prophet sallallahu alayhi waslam had seen
woman in her time, how you know they were dressed, and how you
know they acted, and all those things, the Prophet sallallahu
alayhi salam would have closed that door, and that's not, that's
not her exact statement, but he wouldn't, he wouldn't have made
that statement. Ibn Hajo. SallAllahu alaihi salam Ibn Hajar,
he then explains that if I shut all the Allahu. Anha saw that in
their time, in his time, that woman had access to the market,
like our time, you can go to the market and the mall, you can go to
the movies, you can go to anywhere, but the masjid can be
hard to access. Imam Ibn Hajar mentions that I should Allahu. Anh
has said, would have said a.
That the Prophet sallallahu, sallam, the, excuse me, ay turtle,
and how would have said that it's an obligation for women to go to
the masjid. And the reason that was so confusing, the way I
explain that what I'm just trying to say is that when you're
struggling with your faith, and sometimes you feel like the masjid
is in the space to go for you, especially if you don't feel like
it's comfortable for you to go there, know that Allah's doors are
open for you, that he wants you to go back to him, and that if you
can't forgive yourself, that doesn't mean that Allah hasn't
forgiven you. Now, when you struggle with yourself, you
something you did five years ago, 10 years ago, two weeks ago. You
make Toba for you go back to Allah, and you want to change, but
then you feel like, How can I I can't even forgive myself for
doing this thing. You. The way that you see yourself is not
necessarily the way Allah sees you. He can obliterate all of your
mistakes with his mercy. So go back to him. Go back to the
masjid. Put your head on in on the floor in Sajida. Seek professional
support. Find a support group that's going to cheer you on
Inshallah, in this journey that's a lifetime, especially with all
the ups and downs of life, emotionally, physically,
relationships, all of that. I know that at the end of the day, when
you do something for his sake, that he's he is, you walk towards
him, he runs towards you. So just take that step, even if it's slow
and you feel like you're broken and you're shattering, and let him
run towards you. And don't give up on yourself, because he certainly
hasn't given up on us. Allah, Subhanahu, I will end up with, of
course, a verse from the Quran, well, adufina and whom subulana,
or in Allah. I love this verse. It's the last verse the spider.
Wala Dina, jahadufina, look what Allah is saying those who struggle
in their car, in our cause, any act of obedience these days is a
struggle. Jahadufina for us, not visa, bilina, fina for us. Look
what will happen. It's so hard to go to the masjid because it is not
welcoming. It's so hard to put that scarf or dress properly,
because I think everybody will look at me. I think I'm going to
not look nice. Look what Allah said, struggle. Put it in. It's
hard, but I'm going to do it. He said, Lena had the hum. Subulana,
we will. And who's saying it? Allah, Lana, there's so many
stress in the Arabic language. In this just two words, for sure, for
sure, we will guide them to our way. You know what that mean?
You're so scared to enter the masjid because you don't know what
people will say. Suddenly you find the sweetest woman saying, Oh,
welcome that you are. So you think you're gonna go tomorrow to work,
and you're wearing this scarf, and everybody will make fun of you and
say, Wow, you look much nicer. That's not the Allah will make the
impossible possible. And then he said, WA Ina, lahala, ma and
masimin. And verily, Allah is with those who act with Ihsan
excellence with him, and if Allah with me, who's going to be able,
who will give me anything, if Allah will not, and who will take
anything from me if Allah will? Sheik hamariyam, I loved it. I
enjoyed it. But we are already eight minutes over time.
It's time here in Saint Louis,
yes, and I am sure we'll have more. Please forgive me everyone.
We could not inter entertain your questions. Inshallah. Inshallah,
we will try to do another one of this. Because, again, this is a
very real topic affect everybody, and this is what we are trying to
do on a Tuesday program, is pick up topics that is real from our
daily life, may Allah, except from all of us,
such an honor to learn.
Give my salaam to all the ladies in California. In
California, single
Everybody, please forgive us for good, going over time, subhanAllah
and stuff. Allah Ali, he was habitra. This will be on our
Jannah Institute YouTube. So if you want to go back to it or
invite others, please follow us. Subscribe to our YouTube channel,
and you will find much more of these. Jizak, hello,
Vicky. I.