Maryam Amir – Believing you deserve punishment

			If you're someone who struggles with having bad
		

			thoughts related to yourself and Allah, I want
		

			you to listen to this quick.
		

			So the other day, I wanted to pray
		

			salat ad-duha before I left the house.
		

			Salat ad-duha is an extra prayer.
		

			But I was running late and I thought,
		

			okay, I'm too late, I'm just gonna go.
		

			And as I left the house, I was
		

			trying to open the car door and I
		

			was holding my water bottle, which slipped from
		

			my hands and fell straight into gutter water.
		

			So then, of course, I had to go
		

			right back and massively scrub my water bottle.
		

			What is going through my head in the
		

			moment is this happened because I didn't pray
		

			salat ad-duha.
		

			I didn't take the time to pray this
		

			special extra prayer and because of that, something
		

			bad had to happen right away.
		

			And I had all of these negative thoughts
		

			about what happened connecting them with my own
		

			actions of extra worship and how Allah might
		

			have perceived my decision.
		

			And I had to stop myself because I
		

			am someone who for a very long time
		

			swallowed myself in very negative thoughts about Allah.
		

			And everything in my life had to do
		

			with how Allah was angry with me.
		

			And I assumed his anger because of my
		

			own struggles with myself or my self-loathing.
		

			And because I was taught, like many of
		

			you have been taught perhaps, to cast away
		

			that we feel about our lack of extra
		

			worship or commitment in so many different things
		

			and to how we assume Allah subhanahu wa
		

			ta'ala must see us.
		

			And so I stopped my thoughts and I
		

			told myself, No, being optimistic and having hope,
		

			good thoughts about Allah is an act of
		

			worship.
		

			And I told myself, maybe Allah subhanahu wa
		

			ta'ala is protecting me from an accident
		

			that would happen if I left right now.
		

			Maybe Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala wants something
		

			blessed and good to happen.
		

			But I need to be delayed to be
		

			able to hit it at the right timing.
		

			Or maybe, even more so, Allah subhanahu wa
		

			ta'ala is very gently inviting me to
		

			consider that if I didn't have time for
		

			salat al-duha, I certainly had time.
		

			Much more time.
		

			It took much more time to scrub gutter
		

			water off my water bottle.
		

			So I could reconsider how the blessing of
		

			that closeness to Him in an act of
		

			worship is something that I do have time
		

			for, even when I think I don't.