Lobna Mulla – The Role of the Muslim Woman as a Wife Women’s Conference
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The speakers discuss the importance of empowering women in various roles, including as a wife and worshiper of Allah Subhan Buhtroth. They emphasize the need for perfection and a duty to be there for others, and the importance of testing one's behavior and finding a better image of one's spouse in social media. The responsibility of men in obtaining their spouse's approval, following their husband's leadership, respecting their boundaries, and having a strong heart for seeking help from Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala is emphasized. The speakers also emphasize the importance of having a strong heart for seeking help from Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala and finding a better understanding of the test of one's life.
AI: Summary ©
So our next speaker,
we have the.
I know. Many remember her from last from
the last time that we had the conference.
She was one of our speakers there as
well. She's a motivational speaker, community educator, board
of member on the board of directors of
Yaqeen Institute For Islamic Research.
She's also a Muslim chaplain at UCLA with
IOK.
She is just a wealth of, like, knowledge
and then a lot of energy and her
infectious smile
that I mean, I think that's her trademark.
So
we're in the theme of empowering women in
the different roles that we have. We've talked
about the professional.
We've talked about the mother. We've talked about
heartfelt stories from Gaza and how the the
strength of those women inspired
people
to Islam literally.
And so now we're gonna shift into the
woman in the role of a wife, and
so I'm gonna leave it to Ustada Lubna
to take us on that journey.
Nice to see you all.
And,
you know, I know it's after lunch, and
that's usually when we get the, after lunch
slump.
The after but, you know, it's gonna be
engaging, inshallah, and and,
we'll we'll keep it going. We we won't
let you fall asleep inshallah.
Bismillah wa sallat wa sallam alarassulillah.
So we wanted, now to talk about
the role
as as, Adina,
aptly said, you know, women have wear many
hats.
And just like in the time of prophet
Muhammad sallallahu alaihi wa sallam, not all women
wore all hats. Not all of the companions
were mothers. Not all the companions were wives.
Not all of them,
subhanallah, you know, wore all the hats that
some of us wear today.
But we wanted to talk about a role
of women as a wife. And what does
that mean in terms of being,
a worshiper of Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala? How
do we look at it from an Islamic
lens? So we wanted it to start there,
Insha'Allah.
And I wanted to kind of,
pose
or or or
or position this talk in between 2 typical
extremes. Sorry that this is blocking you guys.
In between 2 typical extremes.
1 is, okay, everything's gotta be 5050. Everything's
gotta be perfect. And the other extreme is
the woman is completely subservient and she has
no voice and no personality and she should
never do anything on her own, right, as
a wife. So where do we fall
between these two extremes?
That's something that we wanted to really focus
on today.
And I also wanted to kind of acknowledge
the fact that what has
led us away from
the sunnah model of marriage and what it
means to be a righteous husband and a
righteous wife
is, subhanAllah, so many things, but in short,
moving away from sunnah of prophet Muhammad sallallahu
alaihi wasallam in general,
colonialism,
transgenerational
trauma,
all kinds of things, different philosophies that have
been introduced, especially in the West,
has all kind of clouded our vision of
what it means
to be a righteous
wife
in particular.
So what brings clarity for us? Clarity.
Allah
brings us that clarity.
Everything becomes clear when we follow what Allah
subhanahu wa ta'ala has said and how prophet
Muhammad sallallahu alaihi wa sallam has set for
us an an example.
One of the beautiful things about marriage, we're
not left on our own.
When it comes to being a role as
a wife, we're not just left on our
own like, okay. You met. You went through
the process. You did everything right, and now
go figure it out. It's kind of like
that, but there's someone higher than us.
We have Allah
and
subhanAllah, we come upon
we meet each other
and we are focused on Allah but
we cannot forget sight of him as we
get you know, as as the years go.
As human beings, we change.
We were just talking about it before I
left home. You know, I was explaining to
my daughters about menopause. I said there's perimenopause,
there's menopause, and then there's postmenopause.
Then there's PMS, and there's there's, you know,
you know, all all of those we have
a lot of pre and post enduring. So
human beings in general change a lot. Women
definitely have bodily changes,
and your needs and your desires also change.
So being aware of that and being attuned
to that within a marriage is also extremely
important and for men as well.
But with all of that, with all of
those changes and all of those,
you know, things that may not stay the
same, we have Allah.
And Allah reminds us in Surat Rum where
he says,
And one of his signs that he created
for you spouses from among yourselves so that
you may find comfort in them, and he
has placed between you
compassion and mercy.
Allah has placed between you compassion and mercy.
Yes. Many young couples, they meet. Some of
them, there there was, like, an arrangement or
some of them that they have the the
love marriage as some of the movies, you
know, talk about. And,
but, you know so some people, you know,
kind of already had those feelings and some
people developed them. The beautiful thing that Allah
places that love and mercy. When husband and
wife are joined for the sake of Allah
they are dedicated to helping one another for
the sake of Allah. They're dedicated to raising
a family for the sake of Allah.
Allah
continues
to place that love and mercy. I see
some confused looks on some of your faces
because you're like, I don't know what you're
talking about.
I've seen some of my parents.
I've seen some of the people in the
community, and I don't know about what love
and mercy you're talking about. This is the
ideal scenario. Okay? Wake up, ladies.
This is the ideal scenario, but
when we come back to being focused on
Allah,
we can get there. We can get there.
And you know what's beautiful, a juxtaposition to
this, and I know that this is in
the context of jihad. So forgive me for
using such an a that is the context
of jihad. But Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala does
say
that,
That perhaps you dislike something which is good
for you, and that you like something which
is bad for you. And I wanna ponder
on that for a minute. And, yes, it
is the context of jihad, but we can
take an ayah and and and discuss it
out of context, inshallah.
That sometimes within a marriage, we see
and we look at other examples, whether they're
in the movies or whether they're in the
community, on Facebook. Of course, everything looks a
1000 times better on Facebook and on Instagram
with filters
and just the picture of what you have
received or what your spouse has done for
you and not 5 minutes before when you're
yelling at each other because they weren't standing
in the right way for the photo.
Oftentimes,
we wish to have something
that looks better.
So not only sometimes is it not even
real, but sometimes Allah is reminding us that
sometimes that thing that you like, it may
not be good for you.
And maybe the thing that you don't like,
maybe that is good for you. And what
do I mean by that?
Maybe there's a quality
in your spouse that you're not quite fond
of. K. We're gonna put it in a
nice way. K. We're putting it in euphemisms.
You know, I'm not really fond of this
trait of yours,
but maybe Allah
knew
that I needed to be more patient in
this part of my of my relationship.
Maybe Allah knew that this particular
action or trait that is constant in our
marriage, that it is something that was going
to bring me closer to
Allah, that it was going to train me
to be more patient. So maybe there's something
that I didn't like, but Allah knew that
it was going to be better for me.
And maybe there is something that I like
that I see that other people have in
the way that they engage with one another,
and
but that maybe those aspects were not going
to be good for me in my situation.
The beautiful thing and and tying it back
to what the the the the very horrific
situation that we see in Gaza, you know,
day and night, the atrocities are getting worse
and worse.
And
it's a reminder that
when Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala
is testing us with something, and right now
Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala is testing the entire
ummah with something,
we can't just look
at the event
for what we see right in front of
our face. There's something much deeper. The meaning
is much deeper behind it. And I and
I heard doctor Haifa Maslow give an excellent
excellent explanation, and like she told me, because
I missed it. It's my fault.
But inshallah, I'm gonna learn. I'm I'm go
I'm going to hear what she said inshallah.
But
understanding the realities of the test of this
world, whether it is something as extreme as
in Gaza,
and some of us have extreme tests in
our life on many different levels, and some
have it in specifically
within the realm of marriage that we are
tested extremely,
That not to see it that
this test, why am I why did this
happen to me? Why do other people have
something much better? That maybe this was going
to be my elevation,
my means of elevation.
Maybe Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala is keeping me
busy in this test because maybe I would
have gone astray had I not been busy
with what I have right now. So it's
important that we remember that, and all of
that barring to say that, of course, if
there is a situation of injustice,
that we don't stay in it.
Okay. We don't sometimes, subhanAllah, people are in
a very difficult situation at home. There's injustice.
There's extreme
abuse,
and people still, subhanAllah, are not able to
get out of it. It's
difficult. So in no way am I saying
all of this to say stay in this
bad situation,
just have patience.
But when you're in a situation and you're
trying to work through it, that that understanding
of tests is extremely important, and that's what
helps us to get us through those difficult
times.
Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alaihi wa sallam, he reminded
the companions
when he said, let not a believing man
hate a believing woman. If he dislikes
and actually, this is, about his spouse. Let
not a believing man hate a believing woman,
which is his wife. He just if he
dislikes one of her characteristics,
he'll be pleased with another, and this is
something that we can apply as well.
Again, we want perfection.
As human beings, we want things to be
perfect,
but we have to remember that perfection wise
with Allah
that we are not perfect and our spouse
is not perfect. So when we keep all
of that in context, inshallah, that can keep
us patient
as we try to work with through different
situations inshallah.
Now when we're thinking about our role
as a wife, I wanted to touch upon
the role of the husband that
Allah mentions in the Quran,
where he says that
that men are the caretakers of women.
And I wanna ponder on that for a
little moment because
sometimes,
people in the community can can take that
as to say that, okay. They're the caretakers
of women. Women must,
obey them
blindly.
So we'll we'll we'll pause we'll pause here.
The amazing thing about this
is that Allah
is telling us about the men's duty,
and with duty becomes responsibility.
Sometimes we think of the privileges, it's not
fair. There is a duty and responsibility. When
men are the caretakers and the protectors of
women, it is not only for finances.
It is not only that men are supposed
to provide. They work. I come home. Don't
bother me. Don't talk to me about the
kids. I don't wanna know about your parents.
I don't wanna know about all the leaking
roof and all the other things that are
going on. I worked, and I'm done.
When Allah talks about being the caretakers of
women, he not not only talks about in
the sense of finances, but also emotionally,
psychologically,
that he is taking care of the women
and the affairs of the home in that
sense.
And sometimes,
what happens,
unfortunately,
when when we're not god centered,
we start to try to pull ayat and
ahadith
to to strengthen our position, but the position
is already strengthened by
Whenever we see injustice, it's not that Allah
has decreed injustice between husband and wife, although
we see it. And that is due to
our own
corrupted selves
and our own corrupted idea of what it
means to be a practicing Muslim
in the realms and all the different roles
that we were going to talk about today
and also in the role between of husband
and wife.
Now some of you have heard different ahadith
talking about how a woman should obey her
husband.
Ibn Haben
who said that,
Abu Horeidah
who said that prophet
Muhammad if a, said, if a woman prays
her 5 daily prayers, fast her month of
Ramadan, guards her chastity, and obeys her husband,
it will be said to her, enter paradise
from whichever of the gates of paradise you
wish.
K. Being in the west,
I know we have a problem with this
word obey. Okay.
I work for a Dao organization,
and people had a problem with that word
obey too. But guess what? You know that
in all these
rules for the gym, rules for the Apple,
you know, your Apple service, rules for T
Mobile, rules for work, you know that word
in there is,
in some
way, shape, or form, the word obey is
in there. You're obligated to conform to the
whatever and the rules and the obligations, all
that stuff.
SubhanAllah,
what does that mean? That Allah in
his wisdom
has placed the responsibility,
the burden
of being of the caretaker of women on
the men.
So coming alongside that burden is also that
he is the head of the household.
But along with every head of the household,
along with every captain, there's what?
There's co captain. Yes. There's a co pilot.
But respecting have that ultimate responsibility
that he is going to be accountable for.
He may mess up, by the way.
K. He may mess up and that may
hurt us, but he is responsible and accountable
to Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala. So it's not
something to brag about. Woah. Woah. Woah. With
any time you're given a responsibility,
you're held accountable.
So that level of leadership in the home
means that everything that you do and say
with that accountability, you'll be answerable to Allah
Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala.
So when Allah when when these different ahadith
that talk about obeying the husband, these are
things that are, of course, Islamically allowed. That's
number 1.
We never want to make our husband happy
but be displeasing to Allah
And we never want to think that I'm
only going to please Allah
and neglect and forget about even if my
husband is not happy. Although there can be
situations if he's asking me to do something
wrong that they may happen.
But when you put,
when you remember that that, when women are
asked to obey their husband,
that is an act of worship.
It is not because we're subservient. It's not
because we're lesser.
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala reminds us
that the most noble of you in the
eyes of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala are those
who have the most taqwa, men and women.
So in terms of spirituality,
the the the the level that we have
in front of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, that
has to do with our piety, not our
gender and whether you're in menopause or premenopausal
postmenopause.
K? Whether you have ovaries or you don't
have ovaries. No. It's about
whether you have taqwa, that you are god
conscious.
That is the level. Now there's a responsibility
on men that they are the caretakers and
have the the the leadership role, and there's
a responsibility on women.
A lot of responsibility, and part of that
is,
obeying her husband, following
his leadership in the home, Saqqun al Haydren.
And I wanted to just pause here a
minute because oftentimes,
one question that might come up
is,
wait a minute. Does that mean
you obey your spouse and there's no rights
to you, that you just kind of forego
your rights and you're just a doormat? No.
Part of being,
part of being a servant of Allah
is remembering that your body isn't a manna.
It's not yours.
So I cannot,
you know,
have lack of sleep day and night, you
know, make sure I'm pleasing my husband to
the point that I'm not sleeping, I'm not
eating, I'm not doing well, I'm psychologically not
well. I'm sacrificing myself to the point I'm
not able to worship, I'm not
sacrificing myself to the point I'm not able
to worship. I'm not able to take care
of my other responsibilities.
So there's boundaries. There's limits, and that's something
important for us. One of the the common
ahadith,
that comes into question,
that people ask about is the one in
which,
that when a man calls
a woman to her,
to his bed and if she refuses, then
the angels spend the rest of the night
cursing her. Right? This is an example
of sometimes where this has been misapplied, misunderstood,
misused,
And this is where sometimes women get the
understanding, like, do we really have an equal
footing in the eyes of Allah Subha'ala? I'm
not talking about equality in this world. Paint
dishes, laundry. Forget about all of that. It's
nothing that's gonna be perfect 5050.
Although prophet did help in the household, so
there should be that striving for fairness,
not all and equity, which is not always
going to be equality.
Sometimes the way that this hadith has been
used makes women feel demeaned. Like,
do we not have a say in anything?
What if, you know, what if there's circumstances?
So this is, of course, referring to when
when and if a woman were to weaponize
*
and to withhold intimacy from her husband as
a way of
getting back at him for not getting what
she wants. But if it's a matter that
she's tired, she's not feeling well, emotionally, there's
there's there's difficulty,
then
she should let him know that in a
nice way and, inshallah, that
he cannot force that upon herself, by the
way. He cannot force there has to be
consent in Islam,
for intimacy,
and that, inshallah, he would be understanding and
that they could resume
whatever the time is right.
So so something really important to to understand
that with this leadership of the the husband
and with this responsibility of women to follow
that leadership,
that there's alhamdulillah rahma. Allah is merciful. It
is not a a a very confined a
lot of times when we talk about rights
and responsibilities of husbands and wives, we wanna
have this long laundry list and box things
in very carefully. That's pretty much the broad
boxing in.
Man is responsible for the household, and the
woman should follow that leadership.
Now in everything that we do, we want
to have hisan. So I really encourage us
to have hisan in our marriages.
What does that mean?
Remember that fairness is not necessarily
as sameness.
K? Things may not be exactly the same.
There may be times, inshallah, where there's cooperation
where maybe the husband is doing more because
you are going through something, you are studying,
you are working that job, or whatever it
is,
or you had the sleepless nights with the
kids, hopefully, that he was helping. And there
will be times when he's doing something for
his career or his education
or he's going through a medical situation, and
you are the one taking more of a
load. Hopefully, there's that type
of a cooperation.
I forgot my heart. I forgot the preposition.
And
and and and work together and cooperate in
the good things and the things that are
pleasing to Allah.
Remember that,
when we are seeking support, when we're seeking
help, seek it from Allah.
That when things are tough, sometimes you're fighting.
Hey. Remember that
Shaitan
promised
that one of the the the the the
most things that will bring him joy is
to separate between husband and wife.
All of you know that that there's a
there's,
the the story of,
Shaitan when he's gathering at the end of
the night, all of the shayateen, all of
the small devils, and he's asking them, what
did you do? Somebody said, I I killed
somebody. He says, okay. Good. Put your hand
down. I I I made somebody,
rob from somebody. Okay. Good. Put your hand.
And somebody else raised your hand and said,
I split between husband and wife. I made
them fight. I said, come. Come closer to
me. Sit right here.
So know that there's otherworldly things.
We can seek help from Allah Subhanahu Wa
Ta'ala. Again, I'm talking about barring, you know,
really extreme situations where you really need to
take action.
But there's always a spiritual help that we
seek from Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala. We seek
it to be patient in times when we
can't change things. We seek it,
when we ask Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala to
put that ulfa, to put the the harmony
in our marriage.
Ask Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala and make dua.
And finally, in a very practical way, I
really do recommend that all of you take
the 5 love languages,
test. I know that sounds like, okay. We're
we've been married this many years. What what
is that going to do? But just as
when you can understand one another when you
speak the same primary language, you will also
learn how you're loving one another when you
understand the love language of your spouse. So
may Allah put barakah in our marriages. May
Allah grant all of those that are seeking
spouses, righteous spouses,
and may Allah
keep us always in remembrance of him as
the center of everything. Inshallah.
For that those reminders, so a lot of
them. So, again, in in spirit of our
our recap, although it was so eloquently said,
reminder that there there we're gonna have challenges
and that Allah
sometimes there's within relationships, there could be
traits or qualities that we dislike that may
be there for our benefit ultimately. So to
practice patience,
and, I mean, I'm gonna do a little
plug piece here too, but it sounded like
a part of it also is the importance
of having taqwa to begin with, raising generations
that are
God fearing, God conscience,
knowing the responsibilities
that come with
with with with marriage because there are duties,
like you said, with with responsibility
comes accountability. And so for both the men
and the woman to make sure,
that they're they're on that track,
perfection only lies with Allah
and men being the caretakers of women that
is financial, emotional, psychological,
and,
and and women quote unquote obeying.
I know a lot of the energy that
comes with that.
My phone is taking care of. Taking care
of. Because really, like yeah.
And and and that's that's the pieces is
as you mentioned at the end, this partnership,
the collaboration, the cooperation between the two partners,
that's really that that's really what what it
comes down to and that, subhanallah, Allah is
the one who places
the,
compassion and mercy between between the spouses
and the. So seeking help, seeking from Allah,
but I'll also do a little plug just
for therapy in general
to go to to to Muslim therapists because
some the people are complicated
and called bring culture into it, bring a
bunch of other stuff. There's nothing wrong with
going to someone just to see the blind
spots. That's really what they do. When we're
in it, when we're
it's different than being able to have a
bird's eye view of, you know, flying over,
and that's kind of what therapists hopefully, insha'Allah,
can do, is to just shine that light,
see from a different perspective, and ultimately
tie it back to Allah
and our purpose, Insha'Allah.
Thank you.