Lobna Mulla – And We Created You in Pairs
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Brothers and sisters. Welcome to another episode of
the Remaster podcast hosted by me, your brother,
Abdallah Freeman. And we're here to talk about
a very popular topic, the topic everybody loves
to talk about about marriage,
selecting a partner, what that process looks like,
and we had to get experts to help
us with this and, you know. So to
introduce our guest, we have Sheikh Suheylubna
Sheikh Suheylubna. Sheikh Suheylubna
and sister Luvna.
Assalamu Alaikum, guys. How you guys doing?
Doing good.
But you know what, Shamsul? You're number 1
when you get married, by the way. So
it's not matter.
So just to give you guys a quick
background about our 2 guests,
Sheik Suheil Mala is the director of the
Los Angeles branch of Kalil Center, a community
spiritual and psychological wellness center. Sheik Suheil currently
serves as resident scholar at Islamic Society of
West Cali West Valley at, Canoga Park, California,
and he is the cofounder of Muslim Marriage
Rejuvenation Retreat.
Ustadha Lubna Mulla is a motivational speaker and
community educator.
She is the director of Tarbia and Personal
Development at Yaqeen Institute For Islamic Research. Ustad
Al Lubna is also the cofounder of the
Muslim Marriage Rejuvenation Retreat. So, guys, it's it's
great. We have, people who know what they're
talking about. What's the
right? If you don't know, ask those who
know. So
I'm not the person to ask. So we
got the people to ask. Welcome, guys. It's
very interesting topic. I mean, this is people
always ask about this. You can never it
seems like this topic never goes away. But
as long as our lives creating people, of
course. Right?
Now, of course, we always begin, you know,
the the the popular ayat you see on
these wedding, like, decorations,
from Surah, Naba. Right?
Right? And we've created you guys in pairs.
Right? So
just briefly, you know, Sheikh and sis
if you guys can talk about that aya
and what it means. You know?
Ladies
The chemistry that you see is like.
First of all, Allah
bless you for your work and thank you
for having us
on this incredible podcast.
Allah created us in pairs.
You know, this is the divine
this is the divine scheme,
the divine plan.
And from the moment
that the first man came onto this earth,
there was this there was still another peace
that needed to be there for him to
be complete.
Right? And that has been
that's the
that's the pattern by which Allah has
put us on this earth and
by which, of course, the species
propagate and so on and so forth. And
so,
that's why it's such an innate calling, right,
and that's why it's such a hot and
heavy topic all the time.
Until you get there,
you're there's some you're yearning for something, you're
still waiting for something. Right? And the prophet
he said it, and he said,
That when you get married, you complete half
of your deen.
So that concept of, you know, your better
half, that's an Islamic concept.
That
that piece of you is still
is still
yet
to come to fruition, and and you're waiting
for it. And,
and so, you know,
those are some thoughts.
Yep.
SubhanAllah.
It's a beautiful
a beautiful I I like the word used
scheme so well.
It's an it's a beautiful arrangement
setup goal that Allah has set before us.
And what's beautiful as Allah mentions Surah Rum,
when he mentions that Allah
places
love and mercy between us.
Muwaddawur Rahma.
So it it's it's not it's not just
something we do,
and it's like an obligation.
You check it off. Okay. I'm done. No.
It's actually something enjoyable, and Allah
puts love, and he puts the mercy
between he facilitates those two concepts. So,
they're so powerful.
It makes a marriage special, and it negates
that concept that there's no romance in Islam,
that there's no, you know, marriage. Is this
a business?
That it's truly something
to yearn for, and it is something that
is enjoyable as well. It it kinda reminds
me of sports, you know, because they always
talk about schemes and plays and doing things
together as a group. So you guys really
have to have, like, a team mindset. You
know?
And it's interesting. But before you get to
that point, let's talk about before then. If
you guys don't mind me asking, how long
have you guys been married?
25. To the test.
For 25 years.
25 years. That's a beautiful number.
So 25 years, you guys have been married.
So things are a little bit different, let's
just say, you know, than when
you guys were single and looking for a
significant other. So, briefly, you know, if we
can just discuss, you know, the current landscape
for Muslim singles. You know? It's a lot
of I mean, the waters are pretty murky.
You know?
It's,
I heard a a a joke. Somebody said
somebody peed in the dating pool. You know?
So it's like
so it's things are a little bit rough.
You know? And I think it's just a
global holistic view. You know what I mean?
But, you know, briefly, if you guys could
speak as to, like, what the the current,
if you guys what are some things you
guys hear from your drew rejuvenation
camp or from other single people who come
to you for advice? Just the difficulties they
have with getting married.
Yeah. I'll I'll start. So so so, the
the rejuvenation retreat we do is for couples
that are already married, but both of us
in our chaplaincy capacity, we did speak with
many,
students and and and other,
adults that are young adults that are looking
to get married. And
some of the typical problems,
I hear,
they're looking for somebody who's practicing, and, unfortunately,
the person that they're looking for is not
practicing.
When they do find that special someone, the
parent doesn't agree,
and that tends to be due to a
difference in ethnicity,
than, the family that's being asked.
Those are the 2 biggest that come to
mind. So how I'm sure?
Yeah. I I see I see a ton
of stuff. I mean, for me, it's I
I have a hard time really reconciling that,
to be honest with you, because I that
wasn't my experience. Right? So it's hard to
it's hard to fully it's
hard to fully,
feel what young people feel today because I
just don't live it. But
I hear so much of it, you know,
young brothers in particular come and say, well,
you know, ain't no ain't no sisters out
there. I'll say, well, what are you talking
about, man? They're everywhere
from my perspective. Right? So so it's hard
for me to fully grasp it. But, but
yeah, what Lukna says resonates. I think a
lot of it has a lot of what
I see has to do with just poor
communication
with,
young
Muslims who are looking to get married with
their parents
and they've just never really, kind of, you
know, discussed how they're gonna move forward in
their lives and so forth. So that way,
when they come when they do come to
this stage,
there's just a lot of
weirdness,
hesitation,
what should we do, I don't know how
to do, do I talk to my parents,
do I talk to a girl first? Do
I talk to my parents first?
You know, they're just
because there's not good open communication in families.
And so that Yes. That is a as
a primary, sort of,
you know, hurdle that needs to be really,
overcome before
before you can,
you know, get into a good space. The
other the other reality is just,
I think the world we we live in
more and more of a virtual world.
And community spaces are dwindling
by which
where we just are, you know,
going to the masjid as a regular,
and engaging
in in person spaces where we're constantly exposed
to other people.
I mean I even notice
simply the fact of, you you know, family
gatherings. Like my family, we don't gather the
way in which we used to. And I
think that's humanity as a whole. Right? So
just the the human connection because of
because
people feel that they have their social feel
on various media platforms and such, so therefore,
the the human connection in person is not
to the same extent. And and then that
leaves a lot to be,
yearned for. Right? And especially in the marriage
space. Right?
So I I think there's a multitude of
factors that play into that.
You it was interesting. I was just talking
to somebody about that last night. It was
in relation more so to youth violence. And
it's like, you know, before in societies, when
people
would go out to the grocery store
grocery stores more, go out and play sports
more, you just do things. You would see
people. So it's a little less tension because
you're like, I see this guy every Sunday
at the grocery store. You see this guy
like this or we study at this place.
You might know somebody who knows him, but
now it's like
everybody's just total strangers to the fullest degree.
Right? And, like, it has the issue. But,
you know, if you guys could just share,
what was, like, you guys' experience like during
this search when you guys were single and
then leading up to when you guys got
married?
The the the truth?
Yeah. We want the real story on remaster.
We do real stories. Only real stories.
I mean, you know, it was love love
at first sight, man. From from her. Masha'allah.
You know, I it took me some time,
you know, I had to I had to
get there.
But,
no. But but we for real, we went
we went to traditional
route. Alhamdulillah. I mean,
we had, you know, it's just sort of
a family,
hookups.
My my cousin looking out for me.
Shout out to the cousins, man.
Yeah.
And, you know, her approach to her brother
and and it was sort of like that.
And then the first time we actually met
was super traditional, man. We,
me and my parents,
stepped foot into her and her family home.
And that's the first time we met, you
know. Like, it was very formal.
We had not talked
with each other prior
prior to that meeting. And then from there,
of course, you know, we we got to
know each other and all of that freely,
in an appropriate sort of way. But,
so, yeah, it it was really it was
it was old school.
And you know, I I wanna say something
about the old school method, SubhanAllah, because
it's 25 years ago, but still I wasn't
expecting to get married that way.
I was hoping that I was gonna, in
my mind, pretty, I'm so happy the way
it worked out. But in my mind, like,
oh, I wanna meet somebody in school. I
wanna meet somebody in work. I was working
part time,
you know, in a in a, you know,
corporate world, while I was going to college.
So, you know, somebody at work, somebody at
school.
So I
so to everybody listening now who's looking, they're
gonna be like, oh, these are old folks.
You know, it's true. But even at that
time,
that was,
that was different.
And our families it's a family connection, but
our family did not know each other. We're
from 2 different ethnicities. So
it's very much very traditional
me me even for that time. But that's
a good point, love.
You know, I I I never really thought
about this until you just said it right
now.
In my mind, probably the same for me.
I would've
my eyes would've befell some woman, some in
some, you know, at work, at school, or
whatever. And,
she rolls her eyes. Hey. It's Tom. You're
going down a wrong path very fast. I
think I need a backup. I said I
was hoping to meet someone, but I'm so
happy it worked out the way it did.
And you're like, I my eyes would've
I I think we need to, like, back
up for the real time. Thomas, Thomas, Thomas,
Thomas.
So,
and then, you know and but but but
why? Because I was programmed that way. I'm
talking about pop culture.
I'm talking about pop culture, music,
movies, romance, Hollywood,
all of that stuff. You stop the plane
that's traveling from Los Angeles to New York
and say, we're in love, I love you,
will you marry me, everybody claps. Nobody's upset.
Their flight got canceled or they're gonna be
here. Like, you know, it's there.
It's a pretty good script. I like that.
But I got the most incredible eyes in
the world coming up and, you know, I
mean, we we follow the,
we followed what we've we were given the
the share we were given in terms of
how we met each other and I wouldn't
trade it for anything in the world. But
I think it's just worth the reflection, right?
What I had in mind probably, you know,
years years ago, decades ago
and how it actually worked out.
And I and I think they're, you know,
to deprogram the mind from that
sort of
reality of how
how this is supposed to work, I think
that's important for us to also consider. You
know?
Your question,
answers Ostalla Lubna.
When you say the mindset, you know, what
is that? Because, you know, that's a big
thing, like, our society is really big on.
People are hooked on personal development and mindset
and getting success.
What should that mindset look like, you know,
without it being,
or at least trying to declutter it from
all the western influences, like the stopping of
the plane or that you you have to
go on a certain way. You have to
speak a certain way, do certain things. What
what should that mindset look like? You know?
Because I feel one thing that a lot
of brothers may look for is, like, actionable
is to take away. Like, okay. How do
I what to do? And even sisters too.
Like, how to go about this? You know?
Yeah. I I I think the key mindset,
honestly, it's it's very simple. We're gonna we're
gonna make this very simple, brother. I'm so
like. Yes, alma. It's it's to have an
open mind
and know what you're what you are you
want
before you start looking. And and it's gonna
adjust. But you say, okay, I want somebody
practicing.
Right? I want,
you know, somebody I can get along with.
Well, what does that mean?
Some people, they may know what they're looking
for, and then when they meet somebody, they're
like, oh, I didn't realize this is this
is a big no no for me. This
is crossing a red line. This is something
I don't. So the more that you could
as as much as you can, but don't
let's not get into analysis paralysis where you
you you analyze and you set goals and
then you spend years years and and you're
just constantly
making these checklists and making sure am I
ready, am I ready?
When you think you're ready?
Not that complicated. Am I ready to handle
another human being?
I'm not perfect right now, but I want
to grow with my spouse. I wanna continue
to work on myself,
spiritually,
financially, physically, all of these aspects.
What am I looking for? And, inshallah, I
hope all of you out there are looking
for somebody who's practicing and then meets all
these other requirements. Right? That's number 1. How
is their connection with Allah Subha'ala?
Verifying that, of course, is its own process.
People, you know, are gonna have trust issues.
Like, how do I actually know,
what they say about themselves?
But that's that's, you know, we could we
could talk about that.
But the mindset is be open. Someone's like,
no. Too short. Too tall. No. I don't
want somebody I don't they have to speak
this language. I don't you know? And they
just shut the door very early, or I
don't wanna meet somebody that way. No. No.
I I don't know who that person is.
So have an open mind. Obviously, within reason.
You know? I'm not saying, you know, cold
call. We we met blind,
but we trust the source.
My brother, his cousin, they had worked together.
It was in a super deep connection, but
it was several interactions, several different connections, so
it worked.
And it's a starting point. You just because
you meet somebody doesn't mean you're gonna get
married tomorrow. But that's the other thing. I
feel like people kinda overthink the whole, oh,
I don't know. If I if I if
I visit this sister, that means, halas, we're
gonna get married. Or if I say yes
to this brother that we can meet, that
means it's done. Like, I'm
so I I I think having an open
mindset
and being prepared, but not overcomplicating
the whole process.
You know, Lubna, you bring up an important
point. Right?
That priority number 1 is somebody who's on
their dean.
There's a lot of misprioritization
today.
You know, a lot of brothers in particular,
this is what I hear from them,
they're
they're
as if their number one priority is looks.
Mhmm. You know, that's that's just because And
again, in the world of,
you know, social
media platform interface,
I was reading something recently where plastic surgery
has skyrocketed
during the
Covid and post Covid area because people are
so busy just looking at their face, right?
And so, there's a lot of strange things
out there in terms of then what people
have in mind and then they're just
work heavy in that space. Put that on
the side.
Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala
will show you the beauty of someone
when you start by looking at what Allah
wants,
where Allah wants you to see that beauty
first,
which is how they,
how they are connected to Allah, how they
practice their deed and so forth.
And and and then the other the other
ducks fall in their place.
You know, so while you if I wanna
I wanna piggyback off of that. So and
and to clarify, what we mean by somebody
practicing means they also have good character. A
lot of times, like,
She's half of the Quran or he's half
of the I see him in the Masjid
all the time. Excellent. Great starting point.
Do you turn around and you see him
yelling at his mom? Or she's, like, you
know, smacking around her siblings or you know
what? So you want them to have good
care. That's all what we mean by,
practicing. Right? So their their relationship with Allah
and and and, of course, not all of
that can be,
ascertained right away. And then how do they
deal with other people? Are they patient? You
know, all those other, qualities that are that
are really important as well.
You know, that reminds me of something very
interesting a friend of mine has told me
when he was in his process of getting
married. And I asked him, you know, it
was, it was a process. It took a
little bit, but they're married now.
And I asked him. I said, what is
it that keeps you, you know, still going
with this process? You know, you it was
some things happening that were a little bit
difficult for him, but I'm like, you you
you can go out and find somebody else
and look for other people. Right? Yeah. I
didn't meet in a bad way. The sister,
Masha'Allah, is amazing. But if you know, why
put yourself through this?
And he said,
you know, I thought to myself, you know,
how could I be, like,
ungrateful to Allah
You know, I'm asking for this. I should
just be patient. But he said it's something
about
this person. When you find this person, every
time you talk to them, they remind you
of Allah
Like
and that was his reason for doing it.
You know? And I was like,
Okay. I shut up. I'm not going say
anything else. I support you. Keep going. You
know? And,
like, they're married now. May Allah bless their
union. Right? But it's just something like that's
a very interesting point looking at that. And
then also the character of that, you know,
the
the the okay. She he may be a
Hafiz. He may be studying. Okay. But if
he's just, like, yells at the waiter at
the place you guys had or things of
that nature is not. It reminds me of
the that hadith about Dean being the first
thing that you should look for out of
the
the the the the 4 the 4 criterion.
Right? But how do you rectify that with
the others? Right? So what if somebody's like,
alright. This person has
they have great character. Their deen is good,
but I'm just not attracted to them.
Yeah. That's a great question.
It's and it's an important question. Right?
I think the prophet when he puts those
four criteria
Yeah. Their
deen,
their their lineage, their wealth, you know, etcetera,
He's talking about
metrics by which you,
you know, evaluate, assess
the suitability of somebody else and whether or
not you would want them in your life,
right? And so, those are criteria to look
at. It doesn't mean they're criteria you just
scratch and you, you know, you throw away.
No, those are important,
things
to be considered.
All of them. All of them, right? And
for some people, it's certain things over other
things. But it's just, did you put everything
in this right order?
Right?
Did you
put the right amount of weight
on their deen and,
and then subsequently whatever comes after. That's what
we're talking about. For somebody to want somebody
who is attractive to them, for sure.
For sure. There must be acceptance.
There must be,
a level of acceptability. You cannot force yourself
to marry somebody, and you just cannot absolutely
see yourself in a physical situation with your
spouse. There has it has to be there.
Yeah.
But but I do believe that,
you know, our intention
and keeping an open mind
can expand those possibilities, but at the same
time.
So,
you know, an interesting point you guys brought
up that is, like, the
starting point most people should start at, but
maybe very few do, at least in our
times, right, is the family. Right?
Now we know in the western society, as
we all know, there's been a deterioration
of the western like, the family unit as
a whole, whether Muslim, Christian, Jewish, atheist,
across the board. It's not like how it
used to be maybe even 10 years ago,
15 years ago, 20 years ago. Right?
So how do we rectify people who have
let's say, I just have a bad relationship
with my dad. Like, I don't like talking
to this dude. Right? Or my mom, we
always argue. Like, I feel like she's too
controlling. Like but I wanna get married. How
do we rectify those situations
and still would you advise somebody who has
those type of issues not to pursue marriage,
or how should they go about that?
That's a great that's an important question. Right?
I think it's important that,
you know, like like Lubna said earlier, you
have you have a general set of criteria
that you're going out into the world with
when you're looking when you're looking for somebody.
Let's see this person
fits the the general criteria.
But then there's a couple things that, like,
okay,
you know, ideally, yeah, I would have liked
somebody who came from,
a household where
their mother and father are still together, they're
not divorced.
Or ideally,
I would have liked it if they, you
know, had x y z, but they don't.
But let's say they fit your general criteria.
Right? That so, so you you move forward
and you, you keep your eyes open
as it relates to that one point
or two points or whatever it is that
you're hesitating on, right? And you look at
it,
you ask about it, you inquire about it,
you see what the deeper story is as
it relates to that.
But it shouldn't necessarily that doesn't, but that
doesn't mean an x. No, Khilassa, I'm done.
I can't move forward.
If as long if they fit the general
criteria
but there's something
that's not there,
do your due diligence.
Don't don't completely just gloss it over and
it doesn't mean nothing because it did mean
something to you in the beginning. But at
the same time, don't don't use it as
an excuse to just,
you know, knock everybody,
out the box. Right? Then what do you
have left,
to pursue? Right? So that's how I would
look at it.
Yeah. And and and and that's from the
perspective of what you were hoping from
the the other person's family. And now, going
back to what about your own family? You
have family issues. You said, you know, you're
maybe not getting along with your dad and,
you know, you want or your mom and
now you wanna bring up the subject of
marriage. You know, going back to that positive
mindset,
it's never too late,
to
guide
a relationship even when it's with your elders
in a way that you would like. It's
not easy,
but I don't think we should hold off
on marriage because we don't have the greatest
relationship with our parents. Ideally, I know it
doesn't always happen this way, but ideally,
if you're thinking about getting married, you you
don't know anyone just yet or maybe you
do, but you haven't really started this process
at all, start talking about it with your
parents. Practice
the art
of being uncomfortable when there's some awkwardness. There's
some what are you talking about getting married?
No. I told you 5 years from now.
You know? Okay. Let's try that again. You
know?
Well, you know, mom and dad, I was
thinking about x, y, and z. Like, we
gotta work through that discomfort, honestly. It can't
be like, oh, man. I don't wanna bring
it up to my dad. He's gonna say
x, y, and z. I already know what
he's gonna say, or I already know my
mom. I mean, that's part of hey. That's
part of
becoming an adult and being ready to face
some of those challenges, interpersonal challenges in life.
It's gonna come up if it's not with
your own parents, it's gonna come up with
your spouse or your spouse's parents or your
spouse's siblings. I mean, it's all about relationships.
This whole relationship that you're trying to seek
is about learning how to communicate and overcome
obstacles. So why not start with your parents,
Make lots of du'a.
Watch your own self in terms of patience,
tone.
So it's it's it's something that I think
even though it may be challenging, it's worth
for us to pursue and start just having
that conversation with your parents. Hey. I'm thinking
about getting married. These are some of this
is what I was thinking. I love to
hear about what you guys were thinking.
You know, it's it's it started, Luca, you
bring up an interesting point, like, underlying.
What about the fatigue that comes with that
and how people can navigate that? People who
try to have these conversations either with their
parents or just the process of trying to
get married. Right? They these people may try,
but things don't necessarily go their way. What
advice would you give somebody who's fatigued? Because
I'm not I'm not knocking my microphone out.
But some people, you know, they may say,
you know, this marriage thing, just leave me
alone. Just it's let me just go to
work. Let me do this thing if it
happens, whatever. Like, what would you say to
somebody like that to get them out of
that mindset?
Yeah. Absolutely. And and, you know, I I
empathize. It's it's hard.
It is hard
wherever the challenge may come from, whether it's
from your own family or the the the
one that you're trying to or the person
you're trying to talk to or their family,
the it it can get frustrating. And especially
when there's multiple times people I know sometimes
people are getting, you know, about to get
key tabbed or about to have their, you
know, their engagement and then things break. So
it it can get very mentally exhausting.
I would say,
you know,
obviously, if it's back to back to back,
some of these big things that have taken
that are overwhelming, you know, take a break.
But in terms of getting back into the
game, think about it like a job or
trying to get into the school that you
wanted. Allah
prevents us from something
and actually that was a good thing.
It was teaching us terbiyah lessons on how
to be patient, on how to accept Allah
subhanahu wa ta'ala's Qadr,
his decree
on,
you know, just having trust in Allah subhanahu
wa ta'ala. Okay. This didn't come. I really
wanted it. There must be a good reason.
I don't know what it is, but I
trust in Allah
subhanahu wa ta'ala. It's the same thing with,
you know, butting butting your head against the
wall sometimes, you know, in in this whole
marriage process from whatever ask from whichever avenue
is is is
putting that blockage for you,
it's a it's it's a it's a moment
of growth for you.
Okay.
Why is it that I'm having this difficulty?
Is there something I need to change about
myself?
Do I need to kinda check my intentions
again?
Do I need to,
you know, is it just the timing?
And I'm gonna keep going. I'm gonna keep
going. So,
with wisdom,
of of course.
Maybe I maybe I'm going about this process
and or maybe I didn't do it the
right way the first time,
but now this time, I'm gonna do it
in a different way. So also evaluating, is
there something that I need to change
about either myself? I don't mean to say,
oh, in a in a in a, in
a vain way. Like, maybe I'm not I
don't look good enough. No. I don't mean
like that, but maybe in my behavior, my
approach.
So it it can be a wonderful opportunity
for reflection and also opportunity
to, get closer to understand
that those tests are there for a reason.
That's it.
No. Look, no. You know, I I think
you you hit most of it. It's,
you know,
marriage is is a divine construct.
Right? And and I think that's important to
keep as a central, sort of, grounding factor.
Right? When Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says, when
wamin aayatihee
ankhalaqalakum
min ancuskum aswajah.
From amongst Allah's signs
that he created for you and from you
spouses. Right? That that's that's Allah's plan for
you and I and everybody.
So so it's important we don't cast that
aside. Right? Because of the fatigue, because of
the frustration, because of the failed attempts,
because of 1, 2, 3 times I met
this girl, I met this guy
or, you know, and this and that happened.
It's important that we still keep everything
in its proper framework
and
not cast out the idea altogether.
Yes, you need to take a break and
slow it down. You need to redirect,
self introspect.
Those are those are all important processes to,
you know, to to engage in.
But don't pull yourself out the game, right.
Don't pull yourself out the game. And I
will say conversely, the other way too. What
happens in some families
is,
the family is urgently
pushing their kid into the game and the
kid is not ready, right? When I say
kid, I'm talking about a young adult or
whatever, whatever age,
young, early 20s, 30s, whatever
phase of life you're in. But, you know,
your parents are pushing you, pressuring you. And
you know, right now, I'm not ready.
I need to get my finances in order,
my mental health. I need, you know, I
need to spend some time with myself, work
a few things out. I'm still getting over
this other relationship.
Don't push me.
Right? And sometimes that happens in families. So
so,
you know, from both ends,
you gotta you gotta do it when you're
ready.
It doesn't mean that everything needs to be
lined up perfectly.
And that's what ready means.
And don't
pull out the game altogether. Don't retire from
the game and say, no no, marriage is
not for me.
The prophet said,
that, you know, marriage is my way. It's
the prophetic way and whoever turns away from
it, then they're not from me. Meaning, they're
not following my path in its in its,
you know, in full scale. So
so I think, you know, always Islam is
always about that balanced way of engaging life
in its various,
ways and phases.
So listen. To the person I know who
said they were gonna just go to a
mountain and be Zahid, you you you can't
do that. The Sheikh just told you you
can't do that. So please just
but you know, it's an interesting point, though,
you bring up. Oh, it says oh, start
the loop now. You're about to say something?
No. No. Sorry. I was saying come back
if you were ready. If you was heading
to or she was heading to the mountain.
Come back. Come back.
No. Come back. Come back. But, you know,
that's an interesting point you bring up, Shay.
You you do hear you do see families
pushing their children. You know? It's a a
story I know of a sister
who
one day, she was leaving
her school, and she went to a public
school, not Islamic school,
and her parents seen her speaking to somebody
of the opposite gender. They're just saying bi
classmate.
After that, she said her family told her,
alright. Right? We wanna get you engaged. Like,
right after that, we wanna get you engaged.
Like, immediately.
Now it was like, you know, Tariq's like,
woah. I'm not even
is this is I don't even like the
guy I just talked to, let alone the
guy you're about to bring. So, like, let's
just slow down. Right? But, you know, there's
one thing you hear a lot about my
math homework. I was asking about math homework.
You know?
You know? Just
so that's one thing you hear. Right? They
say, alright. Just get married. Don't worry. The
love will come after. Does does love before
marriage exist, or is this something that the
love comes when you get married? How does
that work? You know? Because a lot of
the times we'll see because of western culture.
Oh, I seen her. I'm in love. Oh
my goodness. I'm in love. Let me do
this. Let me do that, etcetera.
Or you see more marriages from, like, you
could say foreign couples. Right? Where it is
like, do you guys really like each other,
but they're married for, like, 30, 40 years.
You know?
So it's it's, very very confusing, but it's
very simple too.
No.
So go ahead. No. But so love
love is
something that
first of all, what is love? Right? That's
that's his own philosophical
question, right? What what is what does love
mean and what is it and how does
it what does it look like and all
these things. Leave that aside.
What we're talking about,
you know, just being attracted to someone, being
connected with someone,
on the most base levels,
can that come from before marriage?
Absolutely, yes.
Absolutely, yes.
The prophet salallahu alaihi
wasalam,
in regards to how he treated his wives,
he treated them equally.
But when it came to his heart,
he said, don't ask me about that which,
You
know, that I don't I don't own it.
I don't control it. I can't, you know.
And so there's an acknowledgement from the prophet
about what the heart goes where it goes
and sometimes it goes where it goes before
you get married. And there are examples of
the Sahaba
who,
were in love prior to marriage.
You know the you know the hadith
of,
Inna mal a'malu bin niyat.
Mhmm.
That deeds are are based on intentions.
There's a there's a story behind that hadith.
And the rest of the hadith actually, you
know, makes a reference to it.
Sorry.
Sorry. Had to read the whole hadith to
to recall it. The end of the hadith,
the prophet says salam, he says, the one
who makes hijrah
for,
for a woman
to marry her,
you know, then then they will get their
their,
reward accordingly.
That's the hadith is in reference to a
man who loved a woman
before he was married to her, they were
in Mecca
and he wanted to be with her and
she went to Madinah because she became Muslim.
She wanted to be in the community of
the prophet, salAllahu alayhi wa sallam.
And he went to Medina chasing after her.
Right? And,
and so on. And that's one story of
many, of the Sahaba who
men who fell in love with women and
women who fell in love with men
prior to marriage. So, there's nothing wrong with
that.
There's nothing wrong with that as long as
you still maintain the proper
guidelines and, you know, parameters
that one should maintain prior to marriage. There's
absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Now,
it's important that one doesn't, you know,
become
wrapped up
or
enraptured
beyond what's reasonable to the point where now
the whole mind is fixated on this person
and
that person don't even know they exist, or
there's no pathway to person or whatever. Right?
That becomes very that can become very unhealthy.
It's some sort of infatuation
that consumes them and and detracts them off
their deed and what they're supposed to do
and how they're supposed to live and so
on and so forth. So so that's,
you know, that's love before marriage. Maybe look
not to speak to love after marriage.
So I don't Because
absolutely. I I think it's important to reconcile
that because like what you said, brother Abdullah,
you said, some people say, oh, yeah. There's
you know, you just you'll just you don't
have to love each other. You just kinda
grow into it. That's absolutely
true that love definitely gets nurtured
and grows into something very deep after marriage.
That's absolutely true. And what Suhail said is
absolutely true. You can fall in love. You
can become infatuated. That's a normal,
kind of, you know, human,
it's it's it's part of human nature to
fall in love.
But somebody could have been so formal, that's
very possible,
that it's like, oh, man. I if I
if I even just, like, say anything remotely,
like,
I don't know. That might just kinda open
the can of worms. I'm not gonna say
anything, and it's like you really do admire
the other person. You think they're attractive. You
like their qualities. You love everything about them,
but you don't kinda release a floodgate until
after marriage. Even in terms of your own
emotions, some people kinda hold on to that.
They don't wanna allow themselves
because they're afraid that that infatuation, which,
may lead to kind of being blind to
other things that are problematic.
That being said,
we we you can fall in love before,
not necessarily, but not in the must. But
the after,
that gets nourished through appreciation.
Lobna, can I stop you there one second?
Only before you
you know, the prophet
says that your love for something, it blinds
you
and it makes you, you know, deaf to
what's going around. So
so holding on to that concept
in a heavy fashion or form prior to
marriage,
if you're not able to engage in what
love, you know, to its full extent
entails or that time is not coming soon
and you get into that headspace or that
heart space,
that can be a very unhealthy thing too,
right? Even if you're proceeding forward with that
person
towards marriage,
but you start to
embrace
aspects of that love
that
you need to be conscious of not embracing
until post marriage.
I'm saying it's so
uh-huh. Why you laugh, girl?
No. No. What do you say, what did
you say? No. Wait. It it was good.
I I connected with what you're saying. I
totally connect. You connected.
Good. Sounds very impassioned. You know? I'm watching.
Passionate. Passionate.
Sorry. And
And this is this is cool too to
reconcile this. I think this is really important
because I think this is where we get
these strange notions that, like, Muslim marriages, there's
no love or there's no romantic. It's all
Hollywood. As if there's a Hollywood versus Islam.
It bothers
me because, you know, like like, we can
subhanAllah,
the the the whole concept
I'm gonna I'm gonna kind of do reverse
engineering here
of, you know, oh, I'm I love you,
but I'm not in love with you. Right?
You know that that whole movie thing where
it's and and then people and then people
kind of
split up.
But that's silly because why? It's natural
even let's say you had it before marriage
or right after you got married, whatever it
is,
you have that infatuation, you have that that
in love feeling. You're so excited,
you know,
we're so excited to see each other as
but there's there's, like, this this newness to
the relationship. That's that in love feeling.
That is going to subside
by the very nature of human nature. But
guess what?
The love remains
and,
and as opposed to leaving it on auto,
auto drive,
Tesla, or or putting it in the crock
pot, set and forget,
or Instapot, all these things are just kinda
automated.
You have to nurture love. You have to.
People think, oh, yeah. I got married. Yeah.
My husband, he used to buy me things,
and now he doesn't do it anymore. Yeah.
My wife, she used to be so nice.
She used to do this for me or,
you know, to show that she loves me
and she doesn't do it anymore.
And what do you think love is love
has to be nurtured. It's an action.
So you can have the, you know, the
the romance. You can have that in love
feeling. It's going to it's going to transition
to something more long lasting, deeper.
And and
the the the cautionary
tale here is, yes, there's romance and there's
love in Islam, but it has to be
nurtured. In any religion, in any relation,
love has to be nurtured through gratitude, through,
you know, knowing the other person's love language,
through connection.
It can't just be like everyone's living separate
separate lives and all, but we're still married
and we still love each other. Like, there's
gotta be that connection. So kinda getting ahead
of myself a bit. That's maybe part 2
or 3.
But That's all this stuff. All this stuff.
I was in love
and and,
you know, before and after idea.
So, guys, if you're listening,
love is not far. It's it's, so don't
worry. You don't have to immediately have it.
But if you do, it's it's wonderful. It's
wonderful.
You know, it it's interesting you guys bring
that because, you know, I thought about, I
believe it's where it talks about gift giving
and increasing the love that you have between
one another. Was that in respect of relationships
or, like, friendships?
That's a good question.
Yeah. The prophet says,
right, give gifts and increase and that will
increase mutual love between you. Right?
It was it's not
it's a general
it's a general,
directive, right? It's a general prompt from the
Prophet to
do with anybody.
But
when we read
about virtuous,
character
traits,
the first place we should place
those character traits is at home,
is with your loved one, is with your
spouse.
So and that relates to anything.
You know, if we're talking about sadaqa,
like, spending money.
Right? The Prophet
says, like, salallahu
alayhi wa sallam.
And there's so many other concepts,
when we think about
good character traits,
it's important that you place those at home
first before
you place them anywhere else. So, when you
talk about gift giving, right,
yeah, it's a general thing that the prophet
is saying about but put it at home
first. The the scholars, they say something nice,
they say,
The greatest form of taqwa is taqwa that
you have at home,
first.
Right? It's easy to show a good face,
to smile, to be generous,
you know, to say a nice word. Oh,
jazakallahu
hayron. Oh, Allah bless you brother. And, you
know, like, you you this righteous dude going
around and, you know,
display it's easy to do that when you
interact with somebody 2, 3 minutes a day.
But to do with the person at home
that you spend hours and hours on and
that you have to deal with their mess
and they have to deal with your mess.
That's where that's where the greatest form of
taqwa lies. And so, so when you talk
about, you know, use you brought up one
example but I'm expanding it, right?
Having
carrying yourself
in in a righteous way,
that should be displayed at home first
and foremost before anywhere else.
That
that's that's very interesting. You know? That
how much the like, in Islam, how much
you have to give to your family in
that home is very, like,
is is is very interesting. It shows just
the importance of family and given to that.
But, you know, to bring it to the
next, like, phase and stage of this conversation,
you know, one thing you hear a lot
from, like, people is, like, okay.
Finding, like, a good halal to haram ratio.
Right? Now I'm not saying that necessarily people
wanna do haram, but let's say you're a
guy who
you you you somebody you're you're, like, a
you're not as
what's the best way to put it? I
don't wanna say as religious, but let's say
you're not as religious, right, for lack of
a better term. Right?
You wouldn't wanna be married to somebody who
is
extreme
or more practicing, I guess, you would say.
Right? At least in the fashions. Right? So
how do you find somebody
where it matches up? Because we talked about
that before. Find somebody who's religious,
but, also, I guess, in a a way
that is matching of yours. Right? Because, you
know, I've heard a story from a a
a sheikh one time about
a a sister, right, who the sister wanted
to get divorced from her husband. So he's
like, okay. What what's wrong? She said he
doesn't praise from the prayers.
And the chef was like, woah. I mean,
that's something he can fix now, but, you
know, for some people, that's like a, hey.
I don't want somebody that does something like
that. Or are people who with those type
of demands, are they extreme? You know? What
what does that actually look like in itself?
You know? Yeah. That's a good question. You
know?
I would I I would
I would actually,
so my kids
our kids,
at marriageable
age,
right? And,
we started to have those conversations
about marriage.
You know, perhaps they they show an interest
in that, and we encourage that, right? We
want them to be open with us and
all these things.
Man, I would love for my kids to
marry a person that's 10 times whatever, it's
not a measurable thing, but you understand what
I'm saying? Just
10 times more
religious than them, whatever that means. You understand
what I'm saying?
I want them to find somebody better than
them that's going to bring them up, that's
going to push them forward, that's going to
encourage them, motivate them. If that's what
the betterness of that person is calling towards.
Right? Not some sort of self righteousness
that is put on the Self righteousness and
overly strictness. Let me add that. I think
that's the context I was looking for. Because
what people mean people who are just
a certain extremist
viewpoint of how they do things. That's what
I was going for.
Yeah. Well said. Like, a certain, you know,
like, just,
narrowness.
Yeah. The the practice
in certain functions or fashions
maybe is, you know,
more, I don't know, proliferate than
somebody else in
certain acts of worship or something like that.
But, you know, my
my advice to any young person trying to
get, or old person trying to get married,
or anybody in between,
find somebody that's gonna lift you up, that's
going to that's going to encourage you. Somebody
that,
you can
study the book of Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala
with, somebody that you can learn the deen
from and with
because they know more than you, because they've
been exposed or whatever the case is, they've
studied more, they come from a family where,
you know, they had certain traditions,
whatever it may be.
I encourage that.
And and and naturally what's gonna happen anyways,
when you talk,
when
you are basically sizing each other up, when
you're getting to know each other,
all that's going to come out, or ideally
it's going to come out,
where you're going to kind of, you know,
navigate those waters
and see who each other is and evaluate
each other and and your level of practice.
And is this the person yeah, is that
the kind of person I want to be
around? This is what they do and, you
know, is that within
my scope of who I'm looking to be?
All that's gonna come out anyways. So I
would never worry about
generally speaking, I wouldn't worry about trying to
marry somebody who is beyond me. No. I
want somebody who's beyond me because they're gonna
lift me up.
Yes. And and and I think that's coming
from a very
I think the fine line that you wanna
be careful of
either way is what you mentioned, brother Abdulaziz,
you know, and what you mentioned too. So
it's not about,
you know, let's say I have a I'm
doing a certain practice more,
but I'm not imposing that on somebody else.
That's where the extreme
aspect of the relationship comes or the personality
or the the imposition comes into play. It's
not a problem if there's a difference in
the level of practice or observing,
you know,
different forms of worship or whatever it is.
But it's that imposition that can become a
problem either way. So yeah. Okay. I want
somebody to lift me up.
But if it's being, like, shoved and I'm
being judged and it's like, oh, you didn't
do it. That they didn't do that right.
Show me your foot. Did you is it
wet? Like, did you make wudu? I'm I'm
going I'm just being you know, that's kinda
like a parent's child thing. But,
I've heard about those kind of situations between
couples, and that can be problematic. So, you
know, it's it's it's making sure that you
do talk about it so how right? You
you mentioned,
you know, that's gonna come out naturally. Hopefully,
like, make sure you talk about it. And
what are you comfortable with? And this is
what do you what is your expectation?
Right? I noticed this about you and, you
know, this is where I'm at. I would
like to grow, but this is where I'm
at now. So it's gotta be talked about,
number 1. Number 2, are you guys comfortable
with each other's,
kinda where they're at, if that makes sense?
And so then when you the way, you
know, you first
brought it up, brother Abdullah, is that,
you know,
haram behavior is something different.
Right?
Lack of,
maybe
lack of practice
to the same level of somebody else,
is something else. But, you know,
engaging somebody, meaning talking to someone,
you know talking to them for marriage
and they're engaged in haram behaviors,
somebody smoke weed, somebody looks at *,
or any stuff like that, that you want
to stay away from. That you wanna that's
not, you know, that's not like, oh, okay.
Well, yeah. I'm not the greatest person either.
I still have my own work to do,
and so who am I to judge them?
No. No. There's certain lines
that are not, you know,
he they don't pray.
Yeah. He goes to, you know, I'm spiritual.
I'm not religious.
Oh, yeah. You know. They're okay with
Yeah. Being okay with that kind of stuff.
That's not that's not that's not good. Right?
That's not a those are not relaxations
that you should,
you know, be willing to compromise
for or
laxities that you should come bring your level
down for the the not
but but to have different levels of practice
but you're both striving,
that's that's gonna be there. That's gonna, you
know, that's gonna be there in in many
if not most relationships. Yeah. It's it's
Yeah. It it's it's interesting to hear, like,
that that, the setting the boundaries and the
borders. Right? Because, you know,
I feel like with some people
after they
reach certain points, some people, they're just like,
whatever. Let me just do it. Get out
the way. I'll be fine. Maybe they do
it later. But, you know, I was just
thinking about that same thing. You know? If
somebody tells you that,
okay.
My plan is to develop Islamically. Well, you
should ask them. Okay. Well, what does that
plan look like? What are you doing in
the meantime before marriage to develop yourself Islamically?
Right? Because when we stand for his side,
it's not gonna be, okay. You guys did
this thing. No. It's like, what did you
do? They'll bring you forward. You know what
I mean? You have to attest for what
you did. Right? So it's just it's interesting
to think of, but, definitely, having those,
boundaries is definitely important because it's a lot
of behaviors and things that because you're trying
to help somebody or save somebody, it can
it could lead you to some type of
destruction. You know? May a lot protect, but,
you know, definitely.
So, you know, one question I have,
something we can talk about is, you know
okay. You guys got married, was it, 25
years ago? So that's what, 1990 east
let me not 99?
98, 99?
90. Okay. Now you okay. You guys got
married 98. Right? So the Internet was just
becoming a thing. Right? It was just in
its infancy. You guys remember y 2 k,
and they're, oh, the world's gonna end. Blah
blah blah. Whatever. We're here.
Right?
But,
you know, now in this era, we have
the Internet. You know, a lot of people,
they'll suggest to you, oh, you're not married?
Get on these Muslim marriage apps. Get on
this app. Get on this thing. Get on
this thing. You have Facebook. You have Instagram.
You have the DMs. You have that the
cyberspace, which in fact, we might make that
a whole topic in itself. Right? But
how should somebody go about like, let's say
you're talking to multiple people. How does somebody
go about choosing
who they should pursue more
if all their interactions are virtual.
Mhmm. Well, I have a thought. Mhmm. I'm
distracted by this paper that fell on the
floor. Okay. I have a thought.
That
that cyberspace
and talking to multiple people
for the potential of getting married. Right? You
know, like,
I would also caution against that.
It
what what I mean by that is let
me throw out a wide net and see
what I can catch
because Yeah. What's happening on the other end?
Somebody may be talking they may take it
very seriously. It's like, okay. I'm gonna talk
to one person at a time.
You know?
Let's see if it works out. If it
doesn't, then move to the next person. In
the meantime,
they're taking a relationship seriously even though it's
in this very preliminary stage and somebody else
is like, oh, I'm talking to 10 different
people here and I'm gonna get back to
you in 5 4 or 5 days. And
so there can be a a mismatch
and a misunderstanding
in where intentions lie.
So
how do we keep it how do we
just kinda keep it more
organized? I mean, people have different thoughts about
different
Muslim matchmaking. I don't wanna call them dating.
Okay? Muslim matchmaking sites, some are better than
others. People have found success,
but take it seriously. Mhmm. Don't use it
as a magazine. Flip flip. Like like no.
Like, don't like. Right? I mean, it it
it can get it can get to the
point where we're really
desensitizing
ourselves.
Mhmm. And you see so many choices. Well,
oh, no. This one,
I don't wanna move to
I don't wanna move to Indiana. Okay. Let
me go see no. This guy, he's little
you know, we're gonna start shopping.
I'm teasing.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
Moved to Indiana, guys, without the lies looking.
So
that whole space, we have to be careful.
Mhmm. We have to be careful, meaning treat
it like
I'm I was gonna go to a sister's
house and go or or or, you know,
and and go meet her, or I was
gonna go ask so and so about so
and so.
So that's kind of I'm jumping into the
cautionary, you know, precautions before we even got
there. But,
take it seriously and and know that when,
you know yeah. Everything is easy online, but
there's somebody on the other end who's taking
who may be taking it seriously. So we
have to go in with good intentions and
and and and,
not go in with this idea of just
let me just kind of send out a
bunch of messages and see what happens.
Agreed. I mean, you know, some of the
some of the platforms and I'm not
intimately,
intricately,
aware of, like, the workings of some of
the things because I ain't looked around on
them.
But from what I hear You better not
know.
But from what I hear I mean, I
have a lot of weird stories, man, about
just that exactly what you just kind of
indicated towards Lipna. But we won't go we're
not gonna go there.
You know, the swipe left, swipe right syndrome
stuff.
Some of the platforms are fundamentally
flawed.
And Mhmm. So be very conscious and careful
of where you're looking to begin with. Yes.
Because obviously,
a platform
that has
zero
to
maybe 1 or 2 boundaries that you have
to,
sort of,
you know, qualify for to get on. And
then for anybody and everybody to see your
profile and for you to see anybody and
everybody's profile
on the other end, that's problematic in and
of itself.
So,
be conscious of where you are looking to
begin with. Don't just sign up on every
single,
you know, matchmaking,
app,
in the world because,
there are many people, obviously, who are predatory
on the and they're not and they are
looking at it as as as dating. They're
not looking at it as matchmaking for marriage
because, yeah, I need to know this person,
before I get married and I need to
and they have a western mindset in terms
of what that looks like. They don't they're
not looking at this from the prism of
Islam
and how Islam talks about engaging people prior
to marriage. So, so be very conscious, you
know, where you're looking.
Go the the old
world method, the old school auntie method,
it's a good method
because there's some filtering that's already taking place.
And there are some of the new new
school,
platforms
that still are incorporating some of those old
school methods. Yes. And that's what you wanna
you wanna be conscious of that,
in terms of, you know,
making sure that some of those things are
those filters are set up in
the,
apps or
websites that you're engaging for matrimonials.
You know, it it's it's
it's interesting you bring the,
about the filters because it's one of them
in particular I'd seen one time. It's a
certain requirement you couldn't have. I think, like,
you couldn't put that you wanted sisters,
sister with hijab
on. I think that was, like or hijab
as one of your criterion,
which was interesting to me. You know? I
was like, oh, okay. That's you can block
the other stuff. You know? But and then
one of them has, like,
smoking,
but it doesn't have, like, drugs. It just
says smoking. So maybe somebody
will say, alright. Hey. I don't smoke, but,
you know, who knows?
But, you know, because I asked that because,
you know, in our culture, at least for
our generation of things,
the Internet is an intrinsic part of our
lives. Right? And even for you guys now.
Right? We're doing this podcast
virtually.
You guys please subscribe.
But it's like we everything is like you're
always either in the real world for a
little bit, then you have to check the
cyber world. In the real world a little
bit, you check the cyber world. And we
have communities on there. You have friends. You
have people you meet. You have people who
know other people, and you're, oh, Who is
that? A sister sees a brother. Who who
who's who's this guy? Oh, okay. Like and
it's it's it's a part of us. So
just Yeah. Navigating this space that's never been
there before is just something that I know
a lot of people have questions about. Like,
oh, should I if I see a sister,
she's attractive,
but it's through the Internet. Do I DM
her or do I because you can't I
mean, you don't wanna DM her and say,
hey. What's your baba's number? And then she's
like, this is weird. Alright. Block. Like, you
know, you you know, you don't you don't
wanna so it's just a lot of these
nuances just to navigate. You know? Yeah. There's
a lot of these nuances. Yeah. That's a
rough space. Right?
No. Go ahead, love. Go ahead.
Thank you. You you bring up a good
point, and we wanna be cognizant of that.
We don't wanna be like we're talking from
caveman years, and we're like, oh, don't do
anything on the Internet. You're absolutely right. And
and in that scenario, you
absolutely. I mean, that's great that we're connected
in these different ways. Right? And especially, like,
in even in the Muslim American society space,
right, the mass space. Mhmm. And the law,
you know, you may see somebody always virtually,
you know, convention maybe one time, but then
a 1,000,000,000 times
online. Or something like that. Yeah.
Exactly.
Mhmm. So to the best
of your ability, if somebody
is interested in someone else,
that's fine to connect, you know, with that
person, but still maybe you can soften that
because you said it would be odd if
you said, hey. Can I have your dad's
number?
You talk well, you know what? I think
so and so I know someone still lives
in that same city. I wonder if they
know about her. And if they ask, is
she looking to get married, or is he
looking to get married? You know? Still kind
of using that methodology.
Sister Lobotomy.
Breaks that ice. It softens the the the
kind of randomness.
Luca, let me interject, though. Because that's one
thing I noticed about our community that is
an issue sometimes. Right? Like, we Tell me.
Aren't as
cooperative in those regards sometimes. Sometimes you ask
somebody, and some people say,
they'll give you, like, general answers, and they're
like, this guy leave me alone. Or, like,
almost like they're not trying to help, you
know, and it's like our community doesn't really
facilitate this process as much. In some with
some people, not everywhere, but with some. Okay.
That that that's a problem.
We we need we need each other. We're
communal people. We should be looking out for
one another.
But then, brother, but then so but then
but then look now Mhmm. Look. So Okay.
Yeah. That's not what people should be, but
many people are not. So then what does
homeboy do? What does homegirl do? How do
they
how do they,
you know, how do they proceed? And that's
why and I and I see a lot
of that, right? Young people really confuse
like, well, yeah, I'm not really getting any
direction from anybody. I wanna go about this
right.
I don't wanna be some weirdo DMing peep,
you know, sisters on the thing.
And so let me let me
but then
where do they go?
And and and, you know, it it does
become very tricky to navigate. And I see
a lot of that. A lot of young
brothers struggle with that. And,
and you see a lot of the convert
brothers and sisters deal with this issue. Right?
I had a brother who came to me.
This brother's, like, in his thirties, you know,
I have some guys. Good job. He's young.
But he gave me. He said, bro. I
said, what's up? He said, you I know.
You gotta ask you something. That's okay. What's
what's wrong? He said, I don't know how
to talk to Muslim women. Like, non Muslim
women? I don't know how to talk to
them. Muslim women? What what do I do?
Yeah. I'm like, bro, like, it's it's not
a formula. You know, you just you know?
Typically, I told them, go to somebody. If
there's a chef, you know her chef or
her community leader, go speak to that person,
and they'll give you information if you should
pursue it or not or how they can
help you with this process. But Yeah. It's
a lot of people who they may not
even have somebody who can give them that
type of information, right, in that space. And
even for born Muslims, right, like us, like,
it's not always a clean, easy shifting. You
know?
Absolutely.
It's it's it can be tricky, right, to
navigate
that space. Absolutely.
And I empathize with, brothers and sisters that
have to kinda go through that.
But but you, you know, you gave some
you gave a couple of leads.
As much as you can,
as much as you do have access to
people, access those people. Right? You're,
the mentors in the community, the community imam,
one of the, you know, older aunties in
the community who seems well connected.
To go through those
means and mediums first is important. You can't
just jump them, those stages.
Because it's showing the level of maturity, it's
showing the level of,
you know,
hayat,
modesty, right, in terms of how you're moving
forward. So, that's important.
But then, when you do find yourself like,
well, I don't know where else to go,
a convert who doesn't know anybody in the
community, and they've been Muslim 5, 10 years
maybe,
but still they just their their ties are
not deep by nature of how they came
into the deen and their lives and so
on and so forth.
So,
does that mean that it's absolutely inappropriate for
them to go step to a sister directly?
No, I don't think so.
But but they have to do that with
the full kind of where with all the
knowledge
of the fact that,
of of what this means. So now I'm
gonna step to the sister and
what does that potentially mean in terms of,
you know,
if I do this
then,
what does that mean for my chances with
her?
So,
so there is, it does, you know, you
gotta evaluate
if you can definitely
consult
with whoever,
somebody, anybody other than yourself,
to at least be better informed before you
make those approaches,
right. But,
so,
so, you know,
you have to use wisdom
in the process, regardless.
And some and and the process is not
a linear process. It looks very different depending
upon who you are, where you come from,
who you have access to in terms of
how that community functions, all of those things.
But use the the
the standard
traditional
means as much as you have access to
them before you just go directly and approach
people directly. I know, like, you know, I'll
give an example. There's a brother in the
community.
I know actually a few brothers in the
community
in various communities,
were engaged
and sisters are just weirded out by them
because they've stepped, they've
approached like 10 different sisters.
And now all the sisters know, like this
guy's gonna come to you one day just
know that. And so, you get labeled.
Because you just didn't use wisdom in terms
of how you set forth, right? So, step
back,
hold up
and then don't go, and then don't blast
everybody
when you say, well look at these, look
at the muslims, you can't even get married,
you can't even Because you're not,
you gotta approach it right.
And so, you know, some people get,
what's the word, you know, they just get
like bitter
because,
but then
they're just not approaching it right. So, you
know,
and we have to do better as a
community,
and we have to do better as a
Yes. In terms of providing Absolutely. In the
ways and so on and so forth.
You know, it it it's interesting. I was
just gonna ask that, like, about the process.
Is it like is it like this? Is
it like this? But it's like this. Right?
So it's like it's not a linear process.
It's all over the place. Like, you go
it it's it's you know? And we don't
know a lot of things. A lot of
people are just trying and testing, you know,
just kinda, like at least in this current
era, you know, but that's why
we we have people like you in the
community
and to to help educate people on these
type of things, and hopefully people learn from
this, Insha'Allah, this podcast.
Now,
you know, the one angle I really want
to take with this podcast is not taking
the traditional route of, like,
everything's perfect. You're going out of process. No.
I wanted to murky the waters a little
bit because it's more reflective of the reality
of what life is like in this space
for people during this time period. Right? It's
not as clean-cut, and you just do this,
and you see someone, oh, you talk to
this person. This is like that. Or
my mental health isn't off way. I have
anxiety of talking to people, way, you have
to live with somebody the rest of my
life. It's it's different. Right? And, you know,
one thing I I guess the the question
I wanna use to top it off of
this portion, this session is, like, for people
who started off the Haram way, people who
didn't start off doing any of the stuff
we said. If we said go right, they
went left.
Right? But they said, you know what?
We sit down and make the obvious, and
we feel bad. We wanna do this the
right way. You know, I've heard before that
doing that, if you if you take the,
step that way, it's like it's done. Like,
I remember it. It was a friend of
mine who was telling me in her culture,
they have a saying that, like, basically,
don't start off the the the relationship or
the process of marriage in a haram fashion
because it will never work. Right? Have you
ever heard of the different,
say, alright. If you do that that way,
it's done. Is that necessarily the case? Can
somebody come back from a haram situation and
shit and they end up doing things the
right way and things go as planned? Of
course, with with a law, all things are
possible. But, you know, just
in a more have you guys seen cases
like that, I should ask, really?
Could could I respond to that, love?
Yeah. So, you know, the the that advice,
right, you said somebody some some cultures, maybe
they have that sort of notion and so
It's a good deterrent
to put out there but I don't see
it as a definitive.
But it's a good deterrent, right? Don't start
your relationship out in a haram fashion.
But if you did,
that doesn't mean that you don't have a
pathway then to,
to marriage with that person that you started
that you engaged with in haram.
We don't have any such teaching.
And in fact,
I would argue
that,
you
now,
you know,
when we talked about love earlier,
love can be there in a haram
relationship
where people are committing zina and it can
be in love.
Well, now fulfill that love and let it
come full circle in halal.
And so
so if anything
we wanna put put, you know, we wanna
rectify,
we wanna clean up, we wanna make halal,
people's condition, whatever that may be. Maybe that's
their financial condition, maybe that's their,
you know, and maybe it's tied to love.
Clean it up, make it right.
Yes, you can pursue marriage. Maybe there's some
other things you need to really talk about
and work through before you get, before you
finally,
you know, tie the knot.
But there's no reason why 2 people who
started off wrong can't course correct and make
things right. There's no reason why that can't
happen.
What's that then? You got anything you wanna
add?
No. I think well said. And I so
just in case anyone gets the wrong idea,
like you like you mentioned,
it may not work out
because of the consequences
or for whatever reason, or a lot of
knowledge does not want it to work out.
But I completely echo what, Suhail mentioned. That
there's no reason,
in the idea of, you know, try let's
try to make this right. And and if
it works, it works. And if it doesn't,
then maybe it was not meant to be.
You
know, real quick. I said that was the
last one, but the last last one I
actually wanna ask is, you know, one well,
a high phrase that we say now
is red flags or green flags. You know?
So you guys each could list what are
so, Sheikh Suhail, you list what are maybe
3 to 5 green flags a brother should
look for in terms of a sister and
then 3 to 5 red flags he should
look for. And then, Ustada, can you please
give us 3 to 5 green flags a
sister should look for and 3 to 5
red flags maybe she should watch out for?
That's the tough one.
Yeah. You know, they always talk about red
flags and green flags. And why you guys
think you know, that's just something we hear
a lot. Right? Like, okay. Beware of this.
Beware of that. Like, if you guys go
on, like, the Muslim social media space, I
mean, you have I don't know. Like, maybe
I don't know how many relationship advices
from people. I don't know if they're married.
They're not married, but people telling you, you
gotta watch out for this, and this is
bad. Watch out for that, or this is
good. That's good. Or you see certain couples,
they portray a certain image, and people see
that. And they're like, oh, yeah. This is
what I want. This is you know, some
of it is realistic. Some of it isn't
realistic. Some of it, we don't know if
it's true. Some of it might be exclusive.
Wallachul Island is just up in the air.
You know? It's really just up in the
air.
Yeah.
I guess, Libna, you you you you get
a little more time Can I get on
the soapbox for a second? Go ahead. Go
ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. I
just kept on the soapbox now.
I'm gonna put my auntie
hat on.
That you just brought up a really good
point before we get into the red flag,
green flag.
You know,
don't look to, like, this random advice that
you get from people like you said. You
don't even know if they're married, not married.
Don't look
your example to be that perfectly
curated
photo
or series of photos
you have no idea what's going on in
their home of these happy couples. I'm not
trying to say don't get married.
Don't use the inner don't use, you know,
Instagram photos as your gold standard. Like, this
is what I want my relationship to be
like.
And if you're married for crying out loud,
don't post all the amazing things that you
guys are doing. Stop.
Stop that.
I'm serious. Like great, you have an awesome
relationship, Alhamdulillah.
Protect it.
K. Let's be aware of, you know, just
people that are not able to get married,
people who just fell out of a relationship,
all kinds of people who are hurting, whatever.
You're posting, posting, posting. I mean, people are
human beings. Like,
prophet
said that there's truth in the the the
the concept of hasad,
of of giving somebody evil eye. That's I'm
I'm going on a soapbox a little bit.
So that's that's kinda one thing if you're
married. No. It's related. It's definitely If you're
not married,
don't be looking to, like, oh, look. You
know, they went on the this they're having
a picnic, this perfectly curated picture of this
picnic,
you know, dinner on the beach at sunset.
Oh, my you know, this spouse, I don't
think this guy that's talking to me, I
don't think he'll do that. Like, don't
look for these perfect images of what you
think. You know what a perfect marriage is?
Go listen to the first from
Shaikh Oursalehman
on the love of Muhammad
and Khadija Radu'anha.
Like, that's true love. That's like
for for for prophet Muhammad to to clear
out his house and give everything that was
in it to this old woman who visited
just because
she used to visit them
when he when Khadija was
alive.
Uh-uh. That's that's that's love. You wanna know
what true love so,
you know, look to our the examples that
we have, you know, people in the community
that they're real people, not fake stuff on
the of it.
Or this weird, you know,
advice that you get from people like, oh,
if she says this one thing, it's over.
If he does this one thing, it's over.
That that that was my soapbox. I'm done.
Did you wanna start with the green flag,
or do you want you do you want
me to go? Well, Shay, do you have
a soapbox moment? You it's all yours if
you wanna step on.
No. No. I did not preach it for
today, man.
Nice, Allah. But,
green flag, red flag,
for the brothers.
I'm gonna write this down. Find the sister
that's on her deen.
Find a sister that's on her deen. Your
green flag is,
you know, salah is important to her. Maybe
she ain't perfect,
maybe she struggles with fajr, but she knows
it's a priority,
you know. I mean, you know, we talked
about this earlier, right?
You also, you are who you are. Meaning
your practice,
of Islam
has its deficiencies and its gaps and you
know that, right? You know where you're at.
So so don't don't look for somebody who's
perfect on the other end too when you
have your own challenges and so on and
so forth. So but but they're striving.
You're looking for someone who's striving.
You're looking for someone who's
who's motivated
and wants to go on their dream.
Wants to grow in their deen.
Not somebody who's complacent
and, you know, I'm good where I'm at.
That that's that's important.
As far as what other qualities. Right? What
are these what are some green flags?
Somebody who loves their mother, man. Who who
shows respect to their mother.
Who shows deference to their mother, who,
values their relationship with their family overall.
You know, somebody who's tied to their family
and who's who's connected.
Because
what does that mean? That means that's a
priority in their life and they're gonna make
that a priority in their life post marriage
too. And that's gonna be the mother of
your children.
Look for somebody
who's
tied to the book of Allah Subhanahu Wa
Ta'ala.
Who's,
again, somewhere on that continuum
of learning.
They've, you know, the the the study of
the Quran, whether it's memorization of it or
studying it in other forms or fashion,
has been a part of their life or
they're actively engaged in that,
you know. Again,
one of our sheikhs, he says something really
nice,
long time ago, one of my teachers, he
says something nice. He says, the mother of,
sorry, your children, and the advice is to
men, have three rights over you.
He says, number 1, that you choose
a good mother for them.
So these are your unborn children.
Right?
This is to the brothers.
Your for your future unborn children.
Number 1, you choose a good mother for
them.
Number 2,
you give them a good Muslim name.
And number 3, you teach your
kids the Quran. Because that encompasses everything else
that you need in life, right? So, so
if you have a wife
that embodies that and is going to imbibe
those other qualities, right, into her kids too.
Like they want them to have
a solid Muslim identity.
They are going to be
they're they
they're going to prioritize, and this is another
green flag. Brothers, you want a sister
who's educated, yes,
but whose eyes are on her future family
and what type
of, what type of children she's gonna bring,
what gen
what type of generational,
you know,
charge she's gonna put into her children, right?
How she's gonna change the world through her
children.
And and so,
yes, you want somebody who's educated,
but not somebody who chooses career
over
family.
That's your job as a man. Your job
is to sustain the family, take care of
them, provide for them, etcetera.
And you want somebody who's gonna carry the
other load,
the other part of the deal. So
those are some green flag, red I'm sorry,
I'm maybe long winded about this. Red flags
No. It's great check. This is great info.
I'm writing this stuff down. I'm writing it
down. I'm a share
Red flags,
I don't know, man.
You know, maybe the opposite of some of
the things I said. Nothing nothing in particular
comes
to, heavier
to my mind in the moment. Maybe something
will come later.
So, maybe what about if she she doesn't
pray, she's concerned with career too much, or
materialistically, I would say, rather. Yeah. Sure. So
maybe to
maybe to, spell those things out a little
bit more.
Yeah. Somebody who's, the deen is not a
priority. Somebody who says, you know,
you know, I don't wear hijab now and
I'm never gonna put on hijab
because,
you know, that's just not something I can
do. Now, look at,
notice I didn't say that hijab has to
be an absolute must for you,
criteria for your wife that, you know, your
future wife
and what you're looking for. And
nor am I saying that's an end all,
be all portrait or embodiment of what a
Muslim woman should be, right, somebody who wears
a hijab.
But what I'm My point in saying, in
pointing out the hijab is that it is
a
marker. It is a marker of identity.
A marker of
who
I am as a Muslim, and I know
this is what I'm supposed to, you know,
how I'm supposed to carry myself as a
Muslim woman. And so somebody says, well, you
know, yeah, I'm just not gonna do that.
Well,
you're already,
choosing someone who's defined their own limitations.
And those limitations,
are not,
you know, they're holding themselves back from what
Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala requires of them. Right?
So so I think that's important.
Somebody who doesn't have limitations
on themselves,
as far as where they wanna go on
their in in their Islam. Some people like,
yeah, I'm not gonna do this, I'm not
gonna do that, I'm not gonna I'm not
gonna be this, I'm not gonna be that.
Find somebody aspirational, right? Not somebody who's who's
limited themselves,
in terms of their growth in their deen
and beyond, in the dunya even.
And,
you know, again,
somebody who's
who's,
somebody who's engaged
in
in,
this is more so a problem amongst brothers,
but is there,
to a lesser extent amongst sisters? But, you
know, we have an epidemic of brothers smoke
smoking marijuana,
watching * now.
Massive problems,
in the Muslim community. And sisters, I would
warn you against those
those sort of characteristics. But for our sisters
that are maybe engaged in their own sort
of self destructive behaviors,
don't turn a blind eye to
habits
that have become part of a person's lifestyle.
Right. Whatever that may look like.
I know I've done a lot, I do
a lot of premarital
counseling
for young couples
And in that process,
met a lot of people who said, you
know,
it was very obvious, very blatant that one
party or the other
had some,
some sort
destructive habit.
And the other party, they were just enamored
with this person. They, you know, they were
love didn't allow them to see what a
damaging
sort of and it's not always my place
to say, as that person, that space,
to, in a blatant way, say, sister, don't
touch this guy because he's doing this. Sometimes
I don't have the space to say that
and, you know, you kinda have to let
people make their own decisions and so forth.
Sometimes I do have the space.
But but habits that,
you know,
and addictions,
are big red flags. Negative habits, addictions are
are big red flags.
Yeah. Yeah. I I wanted to just add
a couple points, if that's okay,
about
career. I echo 100%. I think that's a
really important understanding that we have.
I think both husband and wife really need
to have that family first attitude.
The for the man to understand it's my
responsibility to bring in the income.
If my wife does,
so long that it works for our family
and we're both okay with it, that's great.
But I but I'm not gonna, like, I'm
not gonna stay at home and say, okay,
wifey. You go work. That's number 1. And
number 2, we're you know, talk about this.
And and what do you guys want for
your family? You know, do you want a
stressful situation where you don't see your kids
until, like, 1 or 2 hours willingly? I'm
I'm not talking about out of need. Talking
about, like like, you guys are planning it.
Like,
both of us are gonna just be, like,
hyper focused on career. We only see them,
like, 1 or 2 hours a night, and
that's it. And then we're fine. You know?
So
so understanding that, yes, it's the husband's role
to to
be the breadwinner
and and woman's
main responsibility is the of the children,
but terbiah of the children also does involve
the husband too and the dad, you know,
obviously.
That that that really brings huge success to
a well functioning
spiritually,
the spiritual well-being
emotional well-being of children is having an involved
parents.
Yes. It can be the the traditional, you
know, husband is working, wife is at home.
But for the husband to have that understanding
that, yes, I'm I'm gonna be engaged, it's
not like I did my 9 to 5.
I'm done. I come home. I have nothing
to do with my kids. Right? We see
some of those situations.
Or vice versa that the the wife is
like, you know, I what did I study
all these years for?
And and kind of insisting,
that she picks up
her career,
at a time where it's really going to
be so hurtful to the family. Right? Again,
and this is we're talking about not out
of need. So I just kinda wanted to,
say something about that. And then also, I
I really like, Suhala, you mentioned,
you really wanna see a green flag that
your brother has a good relationship with his
family, with his mother.
And for both for both men and women
to not see that it's unhealthy,
where you become a yes man or a
yes woman to
everything,
every demand and will and question and desire
of your parents where it's unhealthy,
if that makes sense. We're talking about you
you might see some red flags. It's like
everything is like, let me go ask my
mom. Let me go ask it's like, wait
a minute.
There's definitely a difference. There's definitely respect and
a love, but does it did it cross
the boundary of where it's it's not healthy?
Like, this is just a controlling relationship, and
this is not healthy.
So that's a red flag.
Mhmm. Green flag, that could be become a
a a red flag.
So those were just kinda couple of the
comments, but I'm gonna go into some of
the negative the red flags that are on
the emotional side. You wanna look for somebody,
brother or sister, who's manipulative.
Do they blame you for their feelings? Man,
you're see, you're the one who made me
angry. You know, you didn't do this right.
You know, are are you know, that's something
we gotta you gotta be really that's a
red flag.
So somebody's emotionally manipulative. Somebody's a narcissist.
I know people use that term freely and
kinda throw it around, but is everything really
always about them? Like, you know, you're in
pain or you're not feeling well, and they're
like, well, what about me? You know, everything's
about them. That's a big red flag. Mhmm.
Run away fast.
If you man or woman, if if you
find that that that quality, and it's something
you'll see is glaring. That's why you also
want
other people, including your parents, to meet your
potential spouse. The people will pick up on
this.
People will pick up on this.
And definitely another red flag as well mentioned
is vices. What you know, what are some
of those vices? The one who's kind of,
you know, when we get together, they're gonna
get over it. They said that they're working
on it, but they're really not.
So don't take vices lightly.
Stay away from that.
And I think That's the world's most, by
the way, that's the world's most,
frequently
repeated statement.
Somebody who has some negative personality trait. Oh,
yeah. I'm working on it.
What are you doing?
What does it mean I'm working on it?
People Mhmm.
It's it's an automatic self defense mechanism that
people put up.
Yeah I'm struggling with * but I'm working
on it. You know, I'm
making steps. What are you doing?
I smoke,
5 times a week
and I but I'm working on it. What
are you doing?
It you know, that
statement to me sets me off because
it's
almost something that is said
automatically
for many people when they're confronted about
their vices
while I'm working on it. Don't that doesn't
mean anything.
Just the just that statement of, you know,
somebody saying that. So sorry about that, love.
That was my soapbox right there.
Oh,
okay.
There
you
go.
I would also say be aware of wandering
eyes. You know? You really hope
that,
you know, brother or or sister,
they don't have wandering eyes or, you know,
they're commenting about that's pretty bold, but commenting
about the opposite gender, you know, in in
front of you or or they joke about
it. No. Sometimes we we've we've,
unfortunately, sometimes become complacent in in our modesty
that we're supposed to have all the time
in terms of, you know, shouldn't be joking
about certain things or,
sorry, joking about the opposite gender or,
or how they look or how you feel
about how they look. Stop that. Let me
interject. Question. Does that include joking about having
multiple wives?
Brother, I am glad that you said that
because I was gonna say it's not respectful.
It's not respectful.
Oh, well, you know, if it doesn't work
out, you know, I can get number 2.
There's too many different jokes, you know, to
be. Uh-huh.
It's
you know, whether it's pre or it's post,
you know, it's it's not tasteful.
It's halal, alhamdulillah. Allah made us part of
the shibiyah in the right conditions,
and and we don't question it. Alhamdulillah, meaning
we don't say no. It's not part of
it. We're not apologetic. Alhamdulillah. Allah in his
wisdom has made this
available to Muslim men. And and and Allah
has his wisdom. But to joke about it,
to me, is distasteful.
To joke about it in weddings,
in gatherings, oh, you know, just just get
another one. You know? It's it's not to
me, it's not respectful.
Tremendously dismissive.
You know, it's tremendously
deflective.
And, you know, there's a saying,
that they say that marriage is not about
getting what you want, but wanting what you
get.
Marriage is not about getting what you want.
Like, I I'm not gonna get
everything.
I'm not gonna get a perfect woman.
She's not gonna be a perfect in every
regard,
but I have
to do my best to love her for
she who she is, the good and the
bad.
The prophet
he told us, you know,
believing man, meaning a husband, should not despise
his wife.
In Nuradiyah, in
There are certain qualities about her that I'm
not gonna like
for sure.
There's
a thousand different qualities that she carries. A
few of them, a few of those I'm
not gonna like them. I'm not gonna, you
know, I'm gonna have my pet peeves and
I'm gonna have my things.
But that's not where I keep my eyes.
I keep my eyes on what's good about
her. That, you know, and I take that
all back to the statement that you said,
that sort of, you know,
that taste less sort of,
you know, joking about another wife and so
on and so forth
is
basically
it's,
it's such a cheap way
for men
to,
like,
speak about
yeah, their wives
and their and their negative qualities rather than
to to take the prophetic attitude towards their
wives about, yeah. I don't like those things
about her, but there's so much good about
her. And that's where I'm gonna put my
focus. But when she does one thing wrong,
well, I'm gonna go get another one or
some, you know, nonsense like that. Quick question,
Shay.
What about in regards to,
the singles, how we're talking about the singles
right now in regards to that? Do you
still and you 2 as well, Do you
guys still believe it's distasteful,
or is it less distasteful? Is it more
distasteful?
Yeah. I think it's And do you mean,
brother Abdullah? You mean,
do you mean, like, like, brothers amongst the
brothers, or you mean, like, let's say, if
A brother and a sister recording each other
is a joke that comes up about that.
You know? It's something that somebody jokes about.
Because, you know, you're mentioning the red flags
or the flags you look for, so I
thought it in regards to, like, the singles
in them, the joke and the banding.
Let me put it like this. If if
if there is a dude
who wants to marry my daughter He says
it this. And he comes to my house,
and he starts joking about,
you know, oh, you know, I'm gonna I'm
gonna do this or that or,
I'm a get me another one or, you
know, I I yeah. Islam is Yeah.
You think you think
I'm gonna, you know, you think I'm gonna
move forward?
Right? So, I mean, it speaks for itself.
Right? It it's just distasteful. It
I mean,
Islam legislated
and this is not our subject, so I
don't even know. Islam legislated,
for men to be able to marry more
than one wife
or wisdoms that are much deeper than,
you know, petty
jokes
or,
I'm not happy with her or what she
did and therefore I'm gonna, you know, talk
about. It's much more meaningful than that.
Right?
The weight
that a man is supposed to that a
man is supposed to carry in in just
a singular marriage, a monogamous marriage. Yeah. Period.
Yeah. Beyond that
is heavy.
As the prophet as Allah
Allah says,
And Yes. They have taken from you, meaning
women, have taken from you, oh, men, this
heavy contract. It is,
it's a serious responsibility.
And so, when you cast out that serious
responsibility with tasteless jokes,
you know what I'm saying? I get it.
Sometimes brothers just amongst themselves and, you know,
just talking
nonsense,
you
know, I don't wanna be some weird self
righteous
preacher type either, like, you know,
just casting all of that other but when
you start doing it with women,
that's different.
That's different and that's the case. I I
don't do it with other men for the
most part either. But I'm just saying even
with you know, I think it's I I
mean, I've probably done it so I'm not
I don't wanna lie either.
Yeah.
But,
but
but for me, when I start to do
this not a regular thing for you. It's
not something inclusive of what you do. That
makes sense. That makes sense. So, you know,
to wrap up, guys, I think you guys
see from this episode that
the the the pool for the singles right
now isn't the it's not the best you
could say the least. However,
I mean, we're here and Allah
places here at this time and through his
mercy and his or
his is his mercy. But through that, we'll
be able to navigate these times, and people
will be able to fulfill the these rights
and complete the sunnah of the prophet
and their deen and get married and have
children. And and, you know, that's one thing
that, you know, as you get older, you
start to think about more and more. Because
before, it's like, it's you, you know, and
you're just like, oh, yeah. This is my
life, and I'm here. I'm young. I'm healthy.
But as people close to you may start
dying, and you start to get older, you
start thinking, man, it'll be great if when
I passed away, somebody would make du'a for
me or somebody would continue or you teach
somebody to worship Allah and you collect from
that. And you can do this through what?
Through,
your spouse or your children, your the progeny
you guys have. Right? And it's du'a for
that and things of that nature. You know?
And I think one thing that we also
take from this is this process
doesn't look linear. Right? So there's not one
way that this process will look. Right? It's
not you do a, b, c, etcetera. It's
a formula. Right? What is it? Y equal
m x plus b. Right? It's not that.
It's more so, like,
you you just to walk a lot, you
go. You know? Everything Exactly. Set your intention
for Allah for his pleasure and just go.
You don't know where you'll end up, how
it's gonna end up. You know? It it's
like the story of Musa alayhi salaam. Musa
alayhi salaam was he was just down bad.
He just he needed something. Allah gave him
a wife. Right? And you see that dua.
So I think that's something definitely
we should keep in mind, but it's still
more to come because this topic is just
huge. But, you know, we wanna just piecemeal
it out. Before we go,
there's one thing I love to do. This
is probably one of my favorite parts of
the show besides have a wonderful guest like
you are.
Alright. Let me see. Let me see.
Please share
either one sunnah, one ayat, or one hadith
that we people could implement in their daily
lives that we can all collect from
when people watch this episode and they take
it.
I'll go ahead first.
I was sharing this with somebody just yesterday,
so it's kinda fresh.
There's a brother. He was he was,
complaining to not complaining to me, we were
talking and he was telling me, I haven't
spoken to him in a couple of years,
just called him about something.
And how's life? I'm getting divorced. I lost
my job.
Things are not good. But he was very
positive
and,
and said, but you know, sheikh, one of
the most difficult here I'm gonna be real,
fully real. He said the most difficult part
about me going through this divorce,
it's been 6 wife,
six
wives, 6 months
and,
you know haven't had any intimacy with my
wife.
He's a grown man, has children, a lot
of young brothers. You know that's,
that's a push,
and you know, to be very honest, there's
an old need,
that Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala has instilled inside
of us and,
and that's something that we seek in marriage
and so forth. And so I told him,
I said, 'alaikabismun,
fast.
Fast.
You're not there yet.
You're you're you're, you know, you're on the
road. You're looking.
It's tough, you're waiting,
you're ready but you still ain't found nobody.
Maybe you're not ready financially but your nafs
is on fire.
Whatever.
Fast. That's the prophetic
advice. You know, he told us, oh young
people, Oh young people, whoever is able to,
from amongst you to get married, you're financially,
emotionally mature and ready and so on, get
married.
But if you can't,
then fast Because it's a protection for you,
it's a shield for you. So, you know,
don't forget that. Because a lot of people,
what happens prior to them getting married,
they pick up bad habits because,
they pick up these vices. That's why some
of the things we talked about earlier are
prevalent.
And then that causes a problem for them
when they get married. So protect yourself before
you get married. Keep yourself well.
Keep yourself protected.
Keep yourself,
out of mess, out of harm before you
get married fast.
Young brothers, fast. Mondays Thursdays,
you're not you wanna get married, you're not
able to, just fast, man. Be a
man.
And contain your nafs.
So that when you come to your wife,
your eyes haven't been all over the world.
They haven't been all over the screen in
nasty places
and you are ready to look at this
beautiful woman who's now,
standing in front of you
and enjoy
her to her fullest. I'm not saying that
it's some kind of weird way. I'm I'm
saying that you are now coming into marriage
with love, with care, with mercy,
with an an eye,
where your eye is focused on her and
her alone.
And and so so one of the means
by which you achieve that is by keeping
yourself straight
before you get to her.
So so young brothers fast.
My,
hadith,
that I think kinda speaks to a lot
of the, sometimes the obstacles and the weights
and the sometimes the up and down and
the nonlinear process that marriage can be is
paraphrasing the
the hadith of prophet
when he said amazing is the affair of
the believer.
And he said,
that,
for all of his affairs are good.
All of the affairs of the believer is
good. Why? Because if something good happens, then
what does the believer do? And and and
prophet said, and this is only the case
for the believer. Why? Because when something good
happens to him or her,
he is peace he is grateful and he
thinks Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala.
And,
and and and if something bad or calamity
befalls him,
then he is patient
and he,
what what is this second part?
Something bad happens, he is patient, and that
is also good for him. And that is
also good. So when we're in this process,
man, I've tried 10 times
and everybody said no or, you know, it
didn't end up any well, we'll try the
11th or 12th.
As believers, we don't give up. I'm serious.
You know? It it it's like that with
looking for a job. It's like that for
applying to different schools and getting into a
program, and we can get into this really
negative headspace of, like, well, I tried or
there's nothing out there. There's no brothers or
sisters out there.
Man. Nowadays, everything's all messed up. What are
you talking about? You know how many sisters
I know that are looking to get married?
You know, until now I'm sure you know
a lot of brothers that are looking to
get married.
So we gotta have that positive mindset that
prophet
told us about. It's amazing. Why? Because all
of his or her affairs are good
even in times of calamities,
thank you both for the great advices, please.
Brothers and sisters,
check out this episode. Please share with others,
and please take these advices that you took.
Don't just listen to this, for entertainment alone,
of course, but, you know, take these and
actually implement these. You know? Actually,
make this a part of your life to
try and develop. You know, that's one thing
that we would definitely love,
from here, us at the remastered,
team.
Also, please, brothers and sisters, please,
donate today to Mercy Without Limits. Like I
said before, we're not funding a war, but
we're helping innocent lives that's still being slaughtered
in this reckless,
senseless genocide that is happening in Gaza and
Palestine. So may Allah make it easy for
the people of Palestine and for the.
Once again, brothers and sisters, this is the
Remaster podcast.
I'm your host, Abdulai Freeman. Please check out
the, revive package. Also, please check out Muslim
American Society today, muslimamericansociety.org
or is it mass dot org?
Do both. Do both. Just look just keep
looking. You'll see it inshallah. Like I said
before, thank you all for listening. We'll see
you guys next time.