Polygamy – Misconceptions & Myths
Channel: Isam Rajab
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smilla rahmanir rahim al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil alameen wa Salatu was get the slim Malema both Ramadan and Eid amin Nabina Muhammad wa ala alihi wa sahbihi wa salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.
No response whatsoever? Okay.
Are you aware of the topic that I am going to address?
Yes or no?
Okay, because for a while I thought you're not aware of is there any brother other than you?
Because, honestly, I thought this will be attended by the vast majority of the brothers, not the sisters. So this, this would make me actually ask you, what are your thoughts? If you don't mind? Before I give you my thoughts, I would really love to hear
why you came, what, just give me one reason, something that you thought will be addressed or something that you want to know about? In addition to I'm pretty sure we will have a q&a session at the end inshallah. But for now, what made you come here? Other than Of course, listening to me, I know this is something that wouldn't be missed by anyone.
You are excited about this or no?
Your wife is here, right? She's not here. So go ahead. Bismillah.
These are questions.
I didn't start yet Masha, Allah.
All right. I have I have many things to address actually. And I have a surprise, hopefully by the time of the convention, it will be ready inshallah I will, I wouldn't disclose it now. But inshallah, by the time we will have the Convention on the seventh of December,
on the eighth inshallah on the eighth and the ninth, hopefully, it will be ready. So do you mind sharing, just one thought before I begin to just have an idea?
You want her to begin?
The, the, the topic was about misconceptions, misconceptions regarding polygamy. Here is where the misconception starts
with the word polygamy because actually, this is not the right word. In Islam, we don't have polygamy. That's wrong. Because if you, if you look at the dictionary, polygamy means the state of having more than one wife more than one spouse, which means that even a wife
can have more than one husband.
And that has another term also, which is prohibited in Islam. So it is not polygamy. It is not polyandry. Those are the two words that are used. So what is the correct word in Islam? It is polygyny.
polygyny. So hopefully, this is the first misconception that will be corrected. In Islam, we don't have something called polygamy. Which, again, is a question by some non Muslims, why Islam allowed more than one wife, but they didn't allow more than one husband.
It doesn't work like that. Allah azza wa jal knows exactly what we need. A Laszlo gel knows how we are created, because he's the one who created us. So he allowed for the husband to have more than one wife. But they didn't allow the wife to have more than one husband. For one simple fact, one of the many reasons is that when you have a child, and you have more than one husband, who would be the father of that child, you would say, well, we can tell by the DNA maybe but this is not conclusive, even until now, there are doubts about this. So this is one reason, another reason in our creation.
Men are easily excited and stimulated, unlike women, so if you say well,
if a man needs more than one wife for his desire, maybe a wife also needs more than one man for her desire. Could be but that's not the norm. Don't you see how Allah azza wa jal in the Quran mentioned what people will have in general, how Allah azza wa jal mentioned many times
Why buy a trauma, but didn't mention what the wife will get?
What women will get? Why is that there is a reason because
you tell your son, when you grow up, you graduate, you have a good job, I will find you a pretty girl, that I will marry her to you. And that's totally fine. But what do you tell your girl the same thing you tell your daughter when you grow up? And you graduate, I will find a muscular man to marry. You don't say that because by nature, women are sought after women are chaste. Not the other way around. You may find some people, but that's an exception. So this is the first misconception.
polygamy is not the word it is polygyny. The second misconception
why Islam allowed more than one wife. I've heard that many times.
Actually Islam didn't allow more than one wife.
Islam restricted that.
Allows origin says in Surah Nisa.
We're in fifth tomb. Allah taco sipo philia Tama Frankie Houma, la bella camino Nisa mesna, falafel, roba Allah so just sit in if three of Surah Nisa surah four, if you are afraid of being unjust to the orphan girls marry of the woman you like two or three or up to four. So actually, Islam restricted that before Islam, it was open, someone could marry
10 1520 even until now, there is no restriction in some other religions, some other systems in Africa. But Islam came and restricted that one of the companions of the Prophet sallallahu wasallam or Ilana coffee, or the Allah one, he came, and he was married to 10 woman. So the Prophet sallallahu Sallam told him, You can keep up to four. So actually, Islam restricted that.
The same thing when people say, Why Islam made woman cover their hair, actually, Islam didn't make woman cover their hair. Islam, organized that because covering the hair was known before Islam, even in Christianity, even in Judaism, until now, you look at the Orthodox of the Jews, you look at the nuns, and they are covering their hair. So this is another misconception that Islam, allowed polygyny, Islam didn't allow it, Islam restricted it.
Then we come to the other misconceptions that
I don't want
my husband to have enough money, why, as long as he is poor, he will not think about marrying another wife. And this is the wrong way to approach it. You see, if someone wants to race and he wants to win the race, you wouldn't win the race simply by trying to attack the other
competitors. That's not the way to go. He needs to be fast. So ask yourself this question. If your husband really thinking about it, why?
why he is thinking about it, because if you try to stop him one way, he will find another way. This is this is just the reality. The other misconception and maybe I'm just guessing because I asked you You didn't tell me anything. I'm guessing by the number of the sisters here. You are wondering what is there for the husband in
having more than one wife? Is it really that good? Well, again, that could be a misconception actually. Because when men talk about it, they think only about the positive side. They don't like look at any responsibility or any consequences.
When women talk about it, they are looking for the ways to prevent their husbands from having more than that's what I noticed and I hope I'm wrong because you
you wouldn't be able to tell me so Mashallah, now we start seeing some of the brothers hamdulillah that's
why you are here.
You miss me. Who wouldn't?
Is your life here?
She's pregnant. So you are thinking then about doing it?
Understanding First, well, I'm not talking about how to have another wife. I'm talking about misconceptions.
who of the people here?
Who has another? Well, we don't have brothers only one. So of the sisters, who is married to a husband who has more than one wife?
would you like to? Would you like to share something? Or?
What I want to ask you actually, this is what would be useful for people to know your experience? Because your experience, because I'm, oftentimes I'm asked, I want to marry another wife, what do you advise me, I'm approached mostly by the brothers, they come to me and they tell me, I want to marry another wife.
What do you advise me. And this is another misconception, giving a one size fits all, that is the worst thing you could do. Because we are different. What could work for me may not work for you. What could work for you may not work for someone else. And I hope our brothers and sisters would understand that because sometimes, honestly, this is what I noticed. You try to help your sister, you try to help your brother, but actually you are destroying their life, this is not an easy decision to make, because it's going to affect the rest of your life. So I hope that we understand this, we are different. What may work for me may very well not work for you, and vice versa. So
do you have a question?
Your experience? What do you tell? What do you tell the sisters who are afraid of being
married to someone who is marrying another wife? I will tell them that it's a very right way to feel at that particular moment. And you have to be afraid. Even if you're married to a single person, you have to be afraid, you know, you have to be afraid Yes. Because it could happen from anyone not seeing that in particular. But you are actually stepping onto a very, an alien world that you really know nothing about. Okay, so being married to someone who is already married is another ballgame altogether. Because I'm not not just married to one husband, I'm married to even his wife, the whole family and kids as well. So I have to understand not just him but understand the wife and the kids
Okay, thank you.
Anything you would like to add?
Here something also I would like to add to what the sisters said. Because that's another misconception.
Why Islam allowed this doesn't Islam think about women about their feelings? It hurts my feelings could be and that is true.
Islam doesn't want its followers to be inanimate objects. Allah has though Joel knows exactly how we feel. So allowing this must have been for a reason. If Allah subhanho wa Taala listened to the complaint of one woman in Surah Al mujer de la the surah itself named after a woman who came to the Prophet sallallahu wasallam complaining, complaining about her husband and the loss of Jan said at the seminar, Allahu Allah Leti to God, Luca feasel. Jia, Allah indeed listened to the woman who came complaining and arguing about her husband. So do you think that Allah who listened to this woman from above seven heavens doesn't know how we feel? Allah doesn't want you to be free from any
jealousy. We know that this is something that Allah gave us. You are jealous, but what Allah wants from every one of us to be moderate about our jealousy. That's what we should be doing. And this is something that unfortunately, some brothers don't understand. And sometimes they do things they don't pay attention to. You have to respect the feelings of your wife. Even if you are married to someone else. This is essential. You do have jealousy. Yes, Allah knows about that. Yes, Islam understands that then why it was allowed it was allowed for another reason.
Please don't be selfish. Well, it is him who is selfish could be. He's thinking only about himself. It's true. It could be like that. But what is noticed is that some sisters, they are only thinking about themselves. Now, I don't know if you know this, it may be a surprise to some of you. But there are some sisters, there are some women who are asking that demanding that this would be a law, it would be a law, forcing men who are capable, physically financially to marry another woman. Why? Because they reach this drastic level of need of men. I could give you two examples. One example if my from my country Syria, because there was war. And many men, many men, when we say many men, how
many more than 1 million? They are either killed, or they are imprisoned or lost.
So how do you make up for that?
Another example is Iraq. Were actually a member from the parliament, she herself she asked to legislate a law to mandate men who are capable to marry more than one wife. So the question is, do we have to wait until this drastic measure to be taken?
So we would allow it? No. The simple thing is, think about others. Everyone says and that's what I noticed. I know Allah azza wa jal allowed it. I know that I cannot prohibit what Allah subhanaw taala allowed it, but it doesn't work for me. Well, that's what everyone says. So if it doesn't work for you, it doesn't work for her. It doesn't work for her then who it will work for. So this is another misconception. Even the wives of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam they had jealousy. And the prophet SAW Selim understood that it is how to deal with it, I shall be alone and she refused to accept the gift of another wife during her time. She couldn't handle it. When the prophet
SAW Selim was given a plate, she broke it. And the prophet SAW Selim smiled, and he told her that you broke a plate, we have to give another plate.
It's normal. Jealousy is there it will be there it is how to deal with it. So that's another misconception that some people have that I have jealousy I have feeling so it doesn't work for me. Think about the reason why Allah azza wa jal allowed it, there is a bigger reason. Because this is another thing that sometimes I hear from the brothers now not from the sisters from the brothers.
Unfortunately, I heard that from some people who are speaking and teaching Islam, and they said, We have enough love to our I have enough love to my wife. So I will not marry another woman.
It doesn't have to be about love. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, the most beloved person to him of the law when he said that when he was asked, who's the most beloved person to you? I'm often asked what the Lord asked him. So the prophet SAW Selim said that he then he asked him, who's next? He said her father, he didn't say abubaker. He said her father. So you think the Prophet sallallahu Sallam didn't love it shall be long enough. So he married another woman? No, definitely there was another reason. And here again comes the other misconception. So you are saying you are like the Prophet sallallahu Sallam? No, but it doesn't have to be exactly like the Prophet
sallallahu sallam. Yes, there were reasons why the Prophet sallallahu wasallam, married another wife, but he was a role model for us in many things, including his marriage.
So this is something that you hear from both sides from brothers and sisters. So, these are some of the most common misconceptions, then comes other misconceptions, they are not that common. Like when one brother says, to avoid having this trouble of first wife and second wife, the first wife will always feel that she is betrayed, she's cheated on the second wife will most of the time feel that she's preferred? I will just marry two at the same time. And that doesn't work. Even if you are able to it will not work because how do you guarantee that you are even able to deal with one wife?
it's not right. To think even about that to marry two people at the same time. You need to establish yourself to see how marriage is because those who are not married they are not aware of
They don't know. What is it? Those who are married, who experienced marriage, they know what is it the same thing about polygyny, those who are who didn't experience that they only hear misconceptions here and there. They only
compare themselves to that one example, you have to look at other people.
I have been? Well,
I could tell you examples from as far as South America, as far as the states, as far as here,
many countries, South Africa, as far as South Africa, I could tell you, so I had, I had pretty much quite enough idea of what are the consequences.
And it's not easy. Having more than one wife is not easy. So my advice for the brothers, which are not a lot, be careful.
Because you have to understand exactly what you are putting yourself into, there are consequences. And sometimes one action cannot be taken back. These consequences will be for the rest of your life. So unless you are certain about it, my advice, don't do it.
Don't do it. Did the Prophet sallallahu Sallam do it? Yes. Did the companions of the Prophet SAW Selim do it? Yes, they did. Actually, this is another striking statistic. The vast majority, the vast majority of the companions, over 50%, they have more than one wife.
They have more than one wife. But their time was different. I'm not saying we cannot do that. Now. Totally. No, of course we can. Islam is valid for every time for every generation. But their time was different, how it was different. At their time, they didn't look at divorce as a stigma as a bad thing. Unlike Now, unfortunately, for many people, diverse marks the end of their social life, it doesn't have to be diverse happen to the best of people. You just move on. You wouldn't find a single person at the time of the prophet SAW Selim neither male nor females. For the males, the only reason they are unable to marry is not having enough provision, not having enough money for women.
You don't find anyone. Even at the time of the prophet SAW Selim one woman she came and she told the Prophet salallahu Salam that I am in my ADA. So he actually told her Once you are finished, tell me because she already received two proposals. Two proposals before she even finished one from Aria and one from Abu jam. The prophet SAW Selim told her wait until you finish and then tell me so he married her to Osama bin Zayed. Ilan Omar, you wouldn't find someone who's not married. That was their time. But in our time, it is different. For many ladies, for many sisters, they say, for me, that's enough. I was married once my husband died, or I was divorced. That's it, I will take care of
my life or I will take care of my children. That's your choice. You can do that. But the norm at the time of the prophet SAW Selim was not like that. They were always married, whether males or females. Because Allah azza wa jal gave us desire, you either fulfill that desire in Holland or in harem, you could suppress your desire, this could last for some time, but not forever. Eventually, you will have to do something for So which one do you choose? And that is unfortunate. I have heard that from some of the sisters, that they came complaining that they found out after a long time that their husbands are married to another wife. So they themselves say I don't mind if he cheated. No, you
should mind because this would be Haram. This would be Haram. How
I cannot understand how ever would you allow something haram to be better than what is halal. But they say at least when he is doing something haram he knows that this is haram. So he will not have it as an equal or as a rival to me. That's the way they are thinking. So this needs to change. And it is not easy. So my bottom line advice for brothers, especially brothers don't do it unless you know exactly what you are putting yourself into.
Because there might be some unexpected consequences. One of the misconceptions when one brother says well, hamdulillah I don't think there will be any issue. Why? Because my wife is religious. And there is this sister who
herself was looking for another wife for her husband. Yes. But again, remember, every one is different. That sister accepted the fact that their husband is going to marry no matter what. So she said, instead of him doing it behind my back, I will help him. And that is good. It's not easy. It is painful, but it is good. It's just like the father, who goes and buys cigarettes for his son. This might sound funny, or even stupid. But actually, this is the right thing to do. You know that your son is smoking, you know, you cannot prevent him, you're not happy with it. But at least if he did it in front of you, it is better than doing it behind your back. So for her, she accepted this
fact that this is going to happen. But for you, do you have assurance that your life accepted this? No. So then be careful because when you say your wife is religious, unfortunately, in our time, religious is very vague. And it's pick and choose, we are religious about certain things, and not religious about other things. So when it comes to this, four brothers,
they say we want to implement the Sunnah of the Prophet sallallahu wasallam. That's true. But the sister immediately comes and says, that's the only thing you found from the Sunnah of the Prophet sallallahu sallam, go and apply all the other sunon and then do that. And when he does that, she's still not happy with it. So I know some people, they compare themselves to others, they said, my wife is religious, so it will be okay. And once they just thought about it, and they thought openly about it, and they thought
he told his wife,
it was living hell. So again, there are unexpected consequences. So be careful, because it's not easy. That is my advice. I know you have many questions more than what I wanted to say. So I will take some of the
Why men love polygamy. Yeah, this is something I addressed. Is it in their nature? fitrah? No, it is one of the misconceptions that I hope I clarified. men think of
again, polygyny, not polygamy. men think of polygyny that I have one wife, I'm happy, but why not have another one and I will be more happy. That's the simple thinking that they think everything will be fine. It is a misconception. That's why
why women hate polygyny. Because they are jealous, because they don't want anyone to compete with them. And maybe selfish. Maybe I want to leave safe. So I don't want to add to
Before? Okay, this is something I didn't address? That's a good question. Can notifying the first wife be a prerequisite before marrying the second wife?
Some people ask, Is it better to marry just do it? Or is it better to tell my wife and ask her permission?
Again, there is no one answer.
There is no one answer. But is it a prerequisite? And the answer is no. Now here, as far as I am concerned, what I was informed that the law states that you want to marry another wife, you have to take the approval of the first wife, that is the law, what people do, sometimes they try to do it out of the country, and then they come to register it. So islamically it is not a prerequisite. Now, what if the wife requested that? What if the wife stipulated that this is under the chapter in fact about the conditions? We have an entire chapter in fact called conditions in transactions this condition is it valid, so the transaction will be valid, or it is invalid scholars default? So some
scholars actually acknowledge that they said if the wife stipulated that the her husband cannot marry another wife, he has to adhere to this. But here's the thing. If your husband's really going to do it, no matter what, and you stipulated that you think this will stop him, it will not what are your options? This is what you need to think about. He promised you He will not marry another wife. But now he is going to marry another wife. You stipulated that you did your part. That's right. You might you made it clear. His divorce for you better than allowing him to marry another wife. That's your choice. So you
need to think about it. Because when people ask, Can I make that as a condition? I tell them Yes. And some scholars said, the husband has to respect that. Because this is a condition that he stipulated. And the conditions that should be respected most are the conditions about the contracts of marriage. This is what the prophet sallallahu Sallam said, Fear Allah, and fulfill the contract by which you were permitted to enjoy the wife, meaning the marriage. So a condition like that has to be respected. But the husband didn't respect that. And he said things changed. life changed. And I noticed that I need this, I have to do this. The question is, what are your options? because pretty
much you are left only for either asking for divorce, or trying to stop him and he may not stop. So what can you do?
polygyny and being a second wife? Is it a fate or a choice?
It is a choice. And what we choose will eventually be our cutter.
We can choose but no matter whatever we choose, Allah azza wa jal already chose for us. So it is both actually.
Just like having a first wife. Is this going to be my wife? I always tell people, don't worry because you will marry your wife.
You will marry your wife. If that woman Allah azza wa jal decreed that she is going to be your wife, she will be your wife no matter what. And if Allah azza wa jal decreed that she is not going to be your wife, doesn't matter. Whatever he tried to do, she will not be your wife. So it is both a choice and the other.
What if your parents don't agree to polygyny?
That's that's possibility. Especially if you are a woman, especially if you are a girl. And you were proposed to someone proposed to being a second wife. This is different from being the only wife. Now it could happen later. Who knows what will happen in the future. But from the beginning, you are told that you're going to be a second life. My advice is to be very careful. And I would always say that the parents see things that the child doesn't see whether old or young, male or female, our parents think in a way different than the way we are thinking. So the question is not whether they agree for polygyny, but the question is whether they agree to being a husband or a wife. What's the
ruling in Islam? If a husband or a man wanted to marry a woman, and his parents said no. Or she wanted to marry a man and her parents said, No.
It's the same thing. You have to be obedient to your parents, as long as they are not asking you to disobey Allah azza wa jal
To begin, it's different from to continue at the time of Omar Viola Han.
Well, actually, at the time of Imam Mohammed Rahim, Allah, a man came to me and said, My father is asking me to divorce my wife. What should I do? So he told him, what do you want to do? He said, I don't want to divorce her. There is nothing wrong with her. So he told him Don't divorce her. So he told him but Amaro de la Juan, told someone told his son to divorce his wife. He said, when your father is like Amaro de la Han, and you are like the son of Milan, then do it. That was the father of empowerment Rahim Allah. So in our time, I would say, follow your parents, because that's your obligation. You're not sure about this. Maybe you will have happiness, maybe not. But you are sure
that whenever you obey your parents, Allah will make you happy. That's what you are sure of. So follow your parents. Always, not always. But most of the time, especially if it is about polygyny, I would say be careful because they see things you don't see.
What are the benefits of polygyny?
A lot of benefits Actually, this is something I didn't talk about because it was not of the misconceptions. But what are the benefits of the polygyny?
Would you like to share some of the benefits?
one of the main benefits
teaching people the Sunnah of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. In our time, unfortunately, we talk about prayer, we talk about fasting, we talk about rulings. But the misconception that people have is that we cannot live as Muslims as civilized Muslims when there is more than one wife. And that is wrong. Oh, look at this, what happened to her, her life was destroyed. Why? Because her husband married another one. Look at him. He claimed to be pious to be religious. And he went ahead and he married another wife, and he is unjust to both of them. So we are only producing wrong examples. It could be true. So when you come and you say I'm going to fulfill the Sunnah of the
Prophet sallallahu wasallam. That alone is enough as a benefit for polygyny. Again, the counter would be the counter the always people say, Is this the only thing from the sooner that you are looking for? No, it's not the only thing but it is one of the things if you can do it, why not? If you can show people a good example, when we are full of misconceptions. When people see bad examples of Islam, why not?
That alone would be a good benefit of polygyny
turning Jenna, what do you think of that? I know someone who is not in need of this. He Himself said that. I don't need to do that because I know the consequences. But there is this woman who doesn't have anyone to help her. She is a widow. She lost her husband, and she has children and on top of her loss. She doesn't find any counseling, any condolences. So why don't you just help her? Why don't you pay her money? Yes, she needs that. But there is something emotional will not be fulfilled, there is something physical will not be fulfilled. So that was his approach. He said, I will marry her. What do you think will happen to him? Allah azza wa jal will not consider that. This
is one of the main reasons why the Prophet sallallahu Sallam married widows, because many of his wives, the mothers of the believers, they were widows who lost their husbands.
Or they are divorced. Like I'm happy birthday Ella Hannah. She migrated to Abby senior. With her husband, she left Makkah, she lost her hometown. The only one she had was her husband, who apostate it and turned against her. So she had no one.
Immediately the prophets Allah Salah married her remotely, he was in Makkah, and she was in Abbey senior, and he married her.
He didn't need to marry her, but it was to help her. So there are many benefits, but I hope this would be sufficient.
Among the Malay society, it is said that when a wife allows her husband to marry another woman, her about in paradise would be guaranteed. On top of that, she will be given a golden umbrella. No, there is an upgrade, it will be
Is there any authentic hadith? No. It seems like one of the creative brothers made up this hadith.
So there is no such thing. But of course, it's not easy when a sister allows that definitely This is not easy. And it doesn't mean that you are okay with it, but you are accepting it. And this is the first step to go by it. No matter whatever we do, we will not be better than the companions of the Prophet sallallahu sallam. Don't think that what happened to you means you are bad. Because it happened to the companions of the Prophet sallallahu Sallam don't question Allah azza wa jal Oh Allah why this happened to me. Why does it have to happen to me? It happened to the best of human beings. It happened to the companions of the Prophet sallallahu sallam, so it is the mother of
Allah. But look at the reasons why it happened and how you can go from there. That's the only thing you could do.
I said something that is of benefit to you. May Allah azza wa jal make us among those who listen to the guidance and follow the rest of it. So I want to come after lunch.