Ibrahim Hindy – Fathers are not Optional
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In many gatherings,
khutbas,
lectures that we have,
and we we speak about
the important aspects of Islam.
We speak about the role of the parents.
The importance of the parents.
And invariably
in these talks,
or footbas,
we emphasize
the role in the status
of the mother.
The importance of our mothers.
And rarely do we speak about the importance
and the status of the father.
We speak often about the sacrifices of the
mother,
the importance of the mother,
How the prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam told
us,
Your mother, then your mother, then your mother,
and then your father.
And of course, the mother, no doubt, is
incredibly important in our faith.
But the way that we speak
about the
father, or rather the way that we do
not speak about the father,
is almost in a way that overlooks
the significance
of the role of the father.
In a way that the Quran and Sunnah
did not intend for us to do.
And this goes beyond
just
lectures and khutbas.
This goes beyond just our bubble of a
Muslim community.
But even the broader community
does the same thing.
They dismiss the father
and pretend as though the role of the
father
is unimportant.
Baby books that you may buy
that are meant to train new parents,
to learn how to become parents,
to learn how to take care of babies
that they are about to have,
often speak as though the father doesn't even
exist
and is not important.
We hear mantras in society,
Statements that are made over and over and
over again, as though a belief system
meant to make people
assert this notion in their minds, where they
tell women, you don't need a man. Meaning,
that you can have a family,
you can do everything you want in your
life, and the role of a man, a
husband, a father is completely optional.
We see TV and movies
consistently
portraying the father
as bumbling,
as clueless,
as a parent who has nothing to offer.
Those of us who grew up here, whether
you watched
Fred Flintstones
to Homer Simpson,
the father was bumbling. The father
was not intelligent. The father had nothing
worthy to offer the children.
And the intelligence,
the wisdom, the nurturing only came from the
mother figure.
Either the father had nothing of substance to
offer,
or the father was domineering,
cruel,
harsh.
In either case, it reinforced a stereotype
that children are raised in spite of their
fathers
and not because of their
fathers. Even public spaces that we see, like
change rooms,
washrooms,
Frankly, even the masajid, when we build the
masajid,
it's built with the idea that
women
are raising the children.
Let's build a room
for children next to the women's room.
Let's build places where you can change the
diaper of the baby in the women's bathroom,
not in the men's bathroom.
Because we're building it with the perspective
that women raise children
and men do not.
Our legal system is the same way.
If there's a divorce
and there are custody hearings between the husband
and the wife,
the mothers have to be proven to be
unfit
to be caregivers,
whereas the father has to prove that he
is fit to be a caregiver.
It is as though the onus of proof
is that the mother is capable of being
a caregiver,
and that the father is incapable.
So the father has to prove he's capable
and the mother has to be proven that
she is not capable.
All of this has led to a perception,
a presumption
in society
that fathers are incapable.
It's baked into every facet of our society.
And mothers are so important. They are the
nourishment
of children, no doubt.
1 of the challenges that a lot of
fathers have is when the baby is born,
they're so small,
and they're so weak,
and they need so many things that almost
all of them,
only the mother can give.
Only the mother can breastfeed.
And so the father feels from the very
beginning he's disconnected from the child.
He has nothing to offer.
And all of this leads to a lack
of confidence.
Men feeling
like they don't really have a role in
raising their children.
There was a
viral video
maybe a year ago or so. 1 of
these men on the street video, someone goes
around asking questions.
So someone went around to fathers,
asking fathers questions
about their children,
asking the father,
how old is your child? He gets the
answer wrong.
What is
the name of your child's teacher?
He doesn't know.
What are the names of your child's friends?
He doesn't know.
1 of them, they even asked the father,
what is the
eye color of your daughter?
What color eyes does she have? And you
got the answer wrong.
All of these answers, they're getting it wrong.
Why is that the case?
Maybe there's more than 1 reason.
But 1 of the reasons is that fathers
mentally
do not see themselves as being a parent.
It's not uncommon, something that you'll hear often.
A father will say
to his wife, to his the mother of
the children,
you did a bad job raising these kids.
You didn't raise these kids properly.
As though the mother is the only 1
raising the kids, and the father has nothing
to do with it.
Many fathers also think, my job
is to provide.
My job is to put food on the
table.
And it's the wife's job to raise the
kids.
If that's the case, I want you to
think about something.
What is the difference in your role
If your if your only job is the
provider, what's the difference between
you raising your kids
and if you have a pet, cats at
home? If you have little cats at home?
What's the difference between you raising the kids
and you raising that cat?
All you do for the cat is you
give it the food.
And all you do for your children is
give them the food as well?
Provide for them?
Is that the entirety of your role as
a father?
I think we can all agree
that your role, our role as fathers, has
to be more
than providing food, has to be more than
a farmer taking care of livestock.
And so when we look closely,
we see that not only are fathers incredibly
important, but they have a powerful
impact
on religious socialization
for children.
The religious practice of children.
There was 1 study on divorce, divorced families.
And they found that the effect
of religious
involvement
when there was a lack of engagement from
fathers
was significant, but not from mothers. So if
the mother was not engaged in the child's
life,
their religiosity,
they're going to the masjid, or they're going
to church, or they're practicing religion, was not
affected.
But if the father was not involved in
the child's life,
that child was far more likely to not
be religious.
Far more likely to not go to the
Masjid, or go to church, or practice religion
at all. There was another study
that said that children were 10 times,
10 times more likely
to be religiously practicing
if the father was religiously practicing
as compared to the mother.
And I know that many women know this.
Why do I know this? Because many women
will call me, email me, talk to me,
and they'll say,
we don't know how to make our husbands
go to the masjid.
We don't know how to get them to
attend the halaqas.
We don't know how to get them to
be involved in trying to become better Muslims.
Why do mothers care? Why are they talking
to me about this? Because they're the ones
telling me,
our children
follow the
father. Our children
are more likely to go to the masjid
if their dad is going there. Our children
are more likely to pray if their fathers
are praying.
And so
the importance of the father is something that
is something that we have to grapple with,
and we have to actually
understand and start to implement. And maybe this
is 1 of the reasons, and the knowledge
is with Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. But maybe
this is 1 of the reasons why Islam
does not permit
a family
where the father is not Muslim.
Meaning it is haram for a Muslim woman
to marry a non Muslim man.
Maybe this is 1 of the reasons. Because
the religious socialization,
the religious practice
is so powerfully impacted
by the father
over the mother.
And our prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam, he
tells us,
That the father is
the highest
door of paradise.
And we see when we look at the
Quran, so many examples
of parenting,
and almost all of them
are examples of fathers and children.
Just recently, it was, we were speaking about
prophet Ibrahim and prophet Ismael.
That's an example of a father and a
son,
and Allah mentions it in the Quran.
When he goes to Ismail, he tells him,
I see the dream that I am slaughtering
you.
So what do you see? He asks his
son, what do you think I should do?
He's soliciting advice
from a 13 year old boy
about a revelation he sees in the dream.
And his son gives him the powerful words,
Do as you have been commanded. You will
find me, insha'Allah,
to be of those who are patient. You
see a father who is
giving his son, allowing his son to be
involved
in decision making. He's raising his son to
be someone who's
thinking through problems and solving problems with the
father. Not that the father makes every decision
to the exclusion of the child.
We see prophet Yaqub alayhis salam with his
sons.
And we see how the sons
do this awful thing
to Yusuf alaihis salam, and prophet Yaqub is
constantly advising them,
admonishing them throughout their lives until the end.
They make tawba, and they come back to
their father. And they say, Oh, our father,
Oh father, ask Allah to give us forgiveness
over our sins.
We see this in these examples of parenting
in the Quran, and they're almost always the
father.
And the most pointed example of parenting in
the Quran is the example of Luqman alaihis
salam with his son.
And the advice that Luqman alaihis salam is
giving his son.
Again, reminding
us, you, oh father,
you are incredibly
pivotal in raising your children.
You are incredibly important in raising your children.
You are not just the bank account.
You are not just the provider.
You must be the example.
You must be the 1 who is raising
the child, increasing their skills and capability.
You must be the 1 who's reminding and
admonishing and giving them your life experience.
And Uqman alaihis salam,
you know, the scholars when they talk about
him, they say most of them say he's
not a prophet.
He's not of the MBI.
And if we accept this opinion, which is
the majority opinion, that he is not of
the MBI,
it's actually more amazing.
It's more amazing that there's an entire surah
named after him.
Even though Allah says in the Quran,
Allah tells the prophet, there are there are
messengers. We didn't tell you about him about
them.
There are messengers, not even prophets. The messenger
is higher than the prophet.
Every messenger is also a prophet. Not every
prophet is a messenger.
And Allah is saying, there are rusls. There
are messengers. We didn't tell you their story.
You don't know anything about them.
And yet, Luqman, who is neither a messenger
nor a prophet,
And Allah gives you an entire surah named
after him. Why? Because he's an amazing father.
Because he's an incredible father.
Because he's an example of
parenting his child as a father. Giving advice
to his child
so that we understand the role and the
importance
of fathers in the family.
We cannot accept this notion
that the father is optional.
We cannot accept this notion that the father
is ancillary. It's something that, you know, it's
optional whether you have him or not.
The prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam said,
Indeed, all of you are shepherds, and all
of you
are responsible for your flock.
And the father
is the shepherd over his house.
You are the shepherd over your family.
You are the 1 protecting them from the
wolves. You are the 1 directing them, guiding
them to the right path.
And the mother is the shepherd over the
children.
But you have to be involved.
You're not ancillary to it.
Allah
gives you this example of Luqman.
And as he introduces you to Luqman alaihis
salam, he tells you he is a man
of hikman.
We gave Luqman wisdom,
and wisdom is so important in parenting.
And as fathers, we have to be
ones that are the people of knowledge of
wisdom.
Purveyors of wisdom.
In Al Qayyim, he says, wisdom
It is doing what is needed
in the way that it is needed, and
in the time that it is needed.
How often as parents we just snap.
We get
angry.
Something bothers us, we snap at our kids.
All of us do it. We're all human
beings.
But we have to think about how are
we bringing wisdom to the table?
How are we providing our children what they
need
in the way that they need it and
in the time that they need it?
Your child is devastated. Something went wrong.
They they failed their test,
And you go to them and say, this
is your fault. You didn't work hard enough.
And you might be right. They didn't work
hard enough. But when you say it to
them at that moment where they feel so
deflated, you're just deflating them even more.
Maybe you wait a little bit. Maybe you
tell them it's okay. You're going to you're
going to get another opportunity.
And then later on, you tell them, hey,
remember how upset you were about that?
About that test that you failed, or that
competition that you lost?
But remember, you didn't work hard enough to
win it.
Let's work harder for the next time. You
bring them what they need in the time
that they need it.
And wisdom requires what they call perspectival knowledge,
which is understanding the perspective of your kids.
Putting yourself in the shoes of your kids.
How often have we done that?
Ask yourself,
what is it like to be a 12
year old child?
What was I like when I was 12
years old?
What what were I what was I thinking
about? What were my emotions like? What is
my child feeling today when I'm talking to
them?
Putting ourselves in the shoes of our kids
to empathize, to understand what they're going through
is essential
for us to be people of hikmah,
for us to be people of wisdom, to
give that wisdom to our children.
We learn from his story as well.
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala reminds us, Luqman is
speaking to his child.
He's giving him
admonishment.
Implies emotional connection.
That we are emotionally connected to our children.
Abdullah ibn Mas'ud said,
He used
to take care of us with his admonishments.
Right? Like there was an
emotional connection
in the admonishment of the prophet sallallahu alaihi
wa sallam.
Even that they said that while he's taking
care of them with the admonishment,
meaning that he didn't give them too much
information.
He didn't overwhelm them.
He gave them what they needed.
He took care of them. He understood.
They need to hear something from me. I'm
gonna give them a short talk, something they're
gonna understand, they're gonna be able to implement.
We understand in the story of Luqman, these
verses of Luqman
giving advice to his child,
all of a sudden the verses start
speaking about the mother.
That Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says, we enjoined
upon man
to take care of his parents. His mother
carried him in weakness upon weakness,
weaning him for 2 years.
This verse,
all of a sudden,
in the middle of verses of Luqman
giving advice to his son, all of a
sudden there's a verse
about the role and the value of the
mother.
And it's as if
Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala is saying,
nothing
will help the child
be more dutiful to his mother
than the father.
When the father
is involved, like Rukman alaihis salam.
When the father
is an educator,
like Rukman alaihis salam, He's educating his child,
which is something very important for us to
think about.
Because modern education
is you send your children to school.
Someone else, some stranger is educating them. This
is very modern.
In the past, who was the educator of
the child?
It was the mother and father.
The mother was teaching the child how to
sew, how to knit, how to take care
of the house, how to do the the
father, if he's a locksmith, he takes his
son, he teaches him how to be a
locksmith. If he's a farmer, he teaches his
son how to be a farmer.
The child is spending
hours and hours and hours with the parents.
The parent is the educator of the child.
When we give all the education to someone
else,
then we are disconnecting ourselves from our children.
I'm not saying take your kids out of
school.
Maybe some of you should take your kids
out of school. I don't know. I'm not
saying that necessarily. I'm saying
you have to find your spot
as being an educator of your child.
You have to educate them in some capacity.
In their Islam,
in
their their schooling, in something. You have to
find a way to educate that child so
that you have that connection
with your child.
And when the father has that role,
and he is honoring the mother,
then the child is going to be able
to honor the mother.
When the father is not honoring the mother,
then the child is going to have difficulty
in honoring the mother.
And so Allah, as he gives you this
example of a father
teaching the child,
he gives you these verses
about honoring the mother.
Because there's a connection between these.
Sometimes
parents, and often in divorced families, they think,
if I undermine the other person, I'm increasing
myself.
So the mother thinks, if I undermine the
father, then the children will like me and
respect me more. No. In the long run,
you're undermining him and you.
Sometimes the father thinks, I undermine the mother,
I have more influence. No. You're undermining her
and you.
Rather, when you honor each other,
then you are actually increasing the influence of
both of you.
Allah
shows us the example of Luqman
teaching the child about tawheed and shirk.
We see him as well teaching the child
about discipline, about consequences of the actions.
That he tells the son, oh my son,
if you did an action that is the
weight of a mustard seed,
and it was inside of a rock,
deep into the earth, or up into the
heavens,
yet to be halalah. Allah is going to
bring it forward.
Meaning, even if you did something so small,
and you hid it away from everyone, no
1 could see it down in the depth
of the earth or up in the sky,
no 1 knows about it. Allah
is gonna still take you to account.
And the father has a role
as a disciplinarian,
has a role
of reminding the children of the consequences of
their actions.
Reminding the children that even if the teacher
didn't see it, even if the father didn't
see it, even if the policeman didn't see
it, Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala is going to
take you to account.
And preparing our kids
to face up to the consequences of their
actions. These are important roles that the father
has to take.
Likewise, he teaches his son
about da'wah,
about going out and giving da'wah.
Oh my son, establish prayer, and enjoy what
is good, and forbid what is evil,
and be patient over what will afflict you.
And he teaches his son about how to
deal with people.
How to deal with people, how to treat
people,
to not be arrogant,
to be someone with humility.
Do not churn your cheek in contempt towards
people, and do not walk in the earth
arrogantly.
Indeed, Allah does not love those who are
self deluded and boastful.
And so we see in this, these powerful
rules, even if you take I implore you
to go and read Surat Uqman, 1 page.
The advices of Luqman, 1 page.
Each ayah
is an area
of focus for you as a parent, and
especially a father.
Talking to them about the basics of aqidah,
the basics of their faith. You need to
take this role.
He talks to the child about honoring the
mother.
He talks to the child about gratitude,
teaching your children to be grateful for what
they have.
Being a role model, and you yourself being
grateful, so that they can be grateful.
Teaching the children
about
establishing prayer, the relationship with Allah, and giving
dua.
Talking to the children about how they treat
other people, being arrogant, and and not being
arrogant, being humble,
and how they walk and how they talk
to other people.
All of these things, they're etiquette. All of
these things
are areas
that we should take and focus as parents
and as fathers, especially about how we are
teaching our kids.