Ibraheem Menk – Before And After You Say I do
AI: Summary ©
The importance of knowing one's personal interests and establishing a strong relationship is emphasized in the conversation. Practicing Islam and respecting others' opinions is emphasized, as well as finding a way forward without negative emotions and negative things. A woman named Rab advises against using people's children as pawns against her ex's behavior and not to let her partner's children know about her ex's behavior. A narcissist uses people for everything, including manipulating them for things and causing them to become confused. It is important to understand who a narcissist is and how they use one person'sarm.
AI: Summary ©
I seek refuge in Allah from the accursed
Satan, in the name of Allah, the Beneficent,
the Merciful.
That is more suitable that you do not
go astray.
And give the women their alms in full
measure.
But if any of it is taken away
from you, then eat it in full measure.
And do not give to the foolish your
wealth, which Allah has made for you a
means of sustenance.
And provide for them therein, and cover them,
and speak to them a kind word.
In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the
Merciful.
All praise is due to Allah, the Lord
of the worlds.
The God of the worlds.
And with Him we seek help.
And we pray and send salutations upon the
Seal of the Prophets and the Imam of
the Messengers.
Our Prophet Muhammad and upon his family and
all his companions.
O Allah, nothing is easy except that You
make it easy.
And You make sorrow, if You will, easy.
My Lord, ease and do not make it
difficult.
And complete with good, and with You we
seek help.
We thank Allah for having gathered us here
today.
And we ask Allah to surround us with
the angels.
And to cause His mercy and His peace
to descend upon us.
And to raise us with the Prophets and
those whom He has mentioned with them.
Who are you?
What are your likes, your dislikes, your personality
traits, and your personality as a whole?
This is a question that we find ourselves
lacking in when we are asked.
So when a person says, who are you?
What do you like?
What is it that you dislike?
What is your personality like?
Are you harsh?
Are you soft?
We find ourselves finding it difficult to describe
who we are.
Yet we are on a quest to discover
another.
And to pair our lives with them.
And how can this be possible when we
don't even know ourselves well enough?
So in order to get married, we need
to know who we are first and foremost.
And I must say that if you find
it difficult to describe yourself, then there are
people who have lived with you from the
beginning.
From when you were born.
Who know you better sometimes than you know
yourself.
Your parents, your siblings, and then your extended
family and friends.
So start, and I say, with your parents
and your siblings.
Because your siblings are people who will be
brutally honest with you.
They will tell you, yes, you are irritating
in this way and that way.
You have these bad habits and I dislike
this about you.
They are honest with you.
They have no hidden agenda.
They have nothing to hide from you.
If anything, they want to be honest with
you.
So ask people who are with you, who
have lived with you.
What is irritating about you?
And what is good about you?
And what kind of a personality you have?
And when you begin to understand yourself and
you know who you are, then you can
begin to say whom you would like in
your life.
And what kind of a character and personality
you would like in your life.
What do you want?
We know the hadith of Rasulullah ﷺ tells
us that the woman is married for four.
Wealth, beauty, lineage, and deen.
فَضْفَرْ بِذَاتِ الدِّينِ تَرِبَتْ يَدَاكَ So be prosperous
with the one of deen.
May your hands be rubbed in dust.
Meaning, may you be successful.
So we know that this mi'yar, this
condition, this principle is the most important.
But having said that, having said that, once
you have established these four or you have
all of them in a person, what else
are you looking for?
You need to ask certain questions.
What will happen when we get married?
Whom will we live with?
Will we live on our own or shall
we be living with in-laws?
And I say that it's important to establish
this before you get married because I would
encourage you to live separately from the beginning.
Live on your own even if that means
that you are living from paycheck to paycheck.
Because the first two years of marriage are
the most important years of marriage.
In that time, you are establishing where you
are together.
How you will get along.
What your likes are, what her likes are.
What your dislikes are, what her dislikes are.
Where you can compromise and where you can't.
You are getting to know each other.
It is difficult enough to live in one
home and wake up next to the same
person every single day.
And let me tell you that once the
first honeymoon period, the lovey-dovey amazing period
where you only see the best parts of
the person are over, you begin to realize
that when this person goes to the bathroom,
it stinks as well.
Right?
You begin to realize that it doesn't matter
how beautiful and handsome they are, we all
go to the bathroom.
What I mean by this is that they've
got traits and personality traits and habits that
are distasteful as well.
They have things that come naturally as well
that you will find irritating and that will
irk you.
So, it is difficult enough living with a
person and waking up next to the same
person every day with smelly breath and smelly
feet and all of that that comes with
it.
And there's things that will irk you that
you will only realize after marriage.
So, when you now get in-laws involved
at the same time and you are living
in the same home, your mother-in-law
is there, the father-in-law is there,
the sister-in-law is there, the brother
-in-law is there.
There is too much of the law in
one home.
There is too much of the law in
one home.
So, even if you are living from paycheck
to paycheck, live separately as far as possible.
And Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala will bless
you from His abundance.
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala will give you
from where you did not expect.
When you are living with your in-laws,
you find that the mother-in-law is
saying, Hey, why did you put this fork
here?
And why did you cut the meat this
way?
And why did you do this?
And why did you do that?
And the daughter-in-law is also saying
certain things.
And in between is the husband.
And there begins to be a tug of
war.
And it becomes difficult.
And it becomes acrimonious.
And at times you shout at one another.
And you fight with one another.
That is why I say live separately.
But if you must live in one home
and there is no other option, I am
not saying don't compromise.
But have a game plan.
So speak about this beforehand.
Say, if we must live in one home,
we will either have a group on WhatsApp
where we will communicate.
And whenever anyone has something to say, they
will say it.
Typing the message out.
Not sending voice notes.
Not calling.
But just typing their points out and put
them there.
Say, this is what is causing problems.
I feel I need to speak about this.
So maybe that's a way to do it.
Have bi-weekly meetings where you get together
and you sit down and discuss.
And each one will say what they have
within them.
And air it out.
And with time, you know what is happening?
You are drawing your lines in the sand.
He is drawing his lines in the sand.
Your mother is drawing her lines in the
sand.
Your father-in-law is drawing his lines
in the sand.
So everything is being established.
The walls of the house in which, not
the actual building in which you are living,
but the home that you shall live in
is being established.
You are erecting walls within which you will
understand how to govern your lives together.
What happens?
That WhatsApp group eventually automatically becomes obsolete.
Because you now know how to live with
each other.
You know when it becomes, it is a
problem to say something.
You know when to say something.
You know when not to say something.
You know who to say what to.
You know who not to say what not
to.
You know what to do and what not
to do.
You've established everything.
So it is extremely important to communicate.
And before you even have a problem, to
open and establish that line of communication.
So do this beforehand if you must live
together.
And I would say either have an open
line of communication or have a specific time
weekly or bi-weekly or monthly when you
will meet.
And then meet, regardless of whether there are
problems or not.
Sit and meet and say, let's air out
our issues.
And then resolve them.
And in this I must remind the brothers
that when your mother is wrong, be man
enough.
And stand for justice.
And Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala wants this
from you.
When your wife is wrong enough, be man
enough to stand up and say, I'm sorry
honey, I love you but you're wrong.
I'm sorry, I love you but you're wrong
and you need to apologize.
يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا كُونُوا قَوَّامِينَ بِالْقِسْطِ شُهَدَاءَ
لِلَّهِ وَلَوْ عَلَىٰ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَوِ الْوَالِدَيْنِ وَالْأَقْرَبِينَ O
you who have believed, stand up for justice
even if it is against your own self.
When you are wrong, you say, I am
sorry, I am wrong.
And I tell you, when you practice it
once, it becomes easier to do the second
time.
The second time and the third, the fourth,
the fifth becomes even easier and easier.
When you practice it against your own self,
وَلَوْ عَلَىٰ أَنفُسِكُمْ Even if it is against
my own self, I will practice this.
Then what happens is Allah gives you the
tawfiq to practice it with those who are
closest to you.
أَوِ الْوَالِدَيْنِ First yourself, next Allah says your
parents.
Why your parents?
Because this is when it is most difficult
to stand up for justice.
It is most difficult to say, mum, I
know that I have to respect you and
I love you and I respect you, but
you wronged my wife in this instance.
Why?
What does Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala say?
Why are you doing all of this?
Why?
Is it for you?
Is it to establish the lines of communication?
Is it just to boost certain egos and
put down others?
No.
شُهَدَاءَ لِلَّهِ You are witnesses for Allah.
You are witnesses for Allah subhanahu wa ta
'ala.
The day you need to stand before Allah
rabbul izzati wal jalal.
يَوْمَ تُبْلَىٰ السَّرَائِرِ On the day that all
secrets shall be revealed.
Everything will be present.
It will all be there in front of
you.
And you will be able to witness what
you did.
Then that will be a witness for you
with Allah rabbul izzati wal jalal.
He didn't want to speak up.
He is meek in his personality.
But he stood up and he spoke the
truth.
Why?
شَهِدْ لِلَّهِ As a witness for Allah subhanahu
wa ta'ala.
So do it for Allah rabbul izzati wal
jalal.
أَوِ الْوَالِدَيْنِ وَالْأَقْرَبِينِ O those who are closest.
And I must say as well when your
wife is wrong, To stand up and say,
I love you honey.
But I promise you, you are wrong here.
And you need to apologize.
So be fair and just.
Not because you have an inclination to one
or the other.
But because you have an inclination to Allah
rabbul izzati wal jalal.
Bear Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala in your
mind at all times.
And Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala will open
up those doors.
When you are just, you will find barakah
in your home.
You will find peace in your home.
You will find rahmah in your home.
You will find sakinah in your home.
All of that will come about.
When you are just and you care about
Allah more than you care about anything else.
When you are discussing with your potential what
you want to get into.
And what, how you are going to be
living.
And what will happen.
There are 3 or 4 things that you
can think about.
And if you agree on these 3 or
4 things.
Then generally by and large, your marriage will
work.
First and foremost, your religion.
And this is coming from studies that have
been done.
What did the hadith tell us?
Choose the one who is of the deen.
Today, more than 1400 years later, they are
telling us.
That choose the one of religion.
They are telling us that if you agree
on your religion.
The way you connect with your maker.
Then, that will actually determine the success of
your relationship.
Number 1, religion.
Number 2, the children.
When you have children.
How you are going to raise those children.
What principles, what ideologies.
Are you going to be religious with regards
to them.
Would you expect your daughter to wear a
scarf by the age of 9, 10 years
old.
Would you expect your son to be performing
his salah by the age of 10.
Would you follow the principles that are set
out by Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.
Discuss this and understand how you will raise
your children.
What the vision of your potential is for
your children.
Would they want the child to study a
particular career.
Or would they not mind if they do
whatever they want.
So long as it is not haram.
Discuss all of this.
Because your vision with regards to your children.
Can actually keep you together or tear you
apart.
So discuss it beforehand.
Religion, children, finances.
Discuss how you are going to look after
each other.
Whether it is going to be the man
who will spend everything.
And then the woman has whatever she has
and she can contribute if she wants to.
And that is Islam.
The man is meant to spend upon the
woman.
And spend everything.
And in return in Islam Allah subhanahu wa
ta'ala says the woman.
And like me or hate me.
If you are a feminist, there is the
door, I will open it for you.
The first thing Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
says.
Obey your husband.
Obey.
The word obedience is used.
The same word that Allah subhanahu wa ta
'ala uses for the parents.
Obey your husband.
So that is the first right that the
husband has.
And the first right that the woman has.
He should spend on her.
He should take care of the shelter, the
food, the clothing, the rent, everything.
He should take care of it.
I am not asking you to pay the
push presents and the Louis Vuitton bags and
all of that.
You don't need to fund all of that.
But at least the most important things should
be taken care of by the man.
In exchange Islam says that the woman shall
obey her husband.
Now I am not telling you my personal
opinion in this.
I have laid out what Allah subhanahu wa
ta'ala says.
What Islam says about this.
So don't come back to me tomorrow and
say hey and start a war.
If you want to start a war, I
told you.
Before you start the war, I will open
the door for you.
Barakallahu fika.
So this is what Allah subhanahu wa ta
'ala actually says.
And this is what Islam requires of you.
And there is no, no other opinion with
regards to this in Islam that I know
of.
Innamat ta'atu bil ma'ruf.
Indeed obedience will be in that which is
good.
It should not be detrimental to the woman.
He shouldn't be commanding her to do something
that will cause her serious problems.
That will cause her distress.
He shouldn't be telling her to do something
that will harm her own physical or emotional
or mental well-being.
Definitely not.
But that which is good, she is required
in Islam to obey her husband.
And I think I've said that word enough
now.
I don't want to leave here, you know,
anyways.
Alhamdulillah.
I want to leave here actually.
That's a good point, right?
I should say I want to leave here.
InshaAllah.
There's more sisters here than there are brothers.
I was going to ask that don't we
have brothers that want to get married?
MashaAllah.
MashaAllah.
So, the other question that I must tell
you to ask and it is very important.
Wallahi, it is very important.
Before I move on, this relationship is not
obedience.
And it's not about obedience and obeying your
husband like you're a slave and all of
that.
Understand as a husband that this is your
right.
But don't abuse that right as well.
Don't treat your wife like she's a slave.
She is not.
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala placed you in
the bond of nikah together as وَلَهُنَّ مِثْلُ
الَّذِي عَلَيْهِنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ They will have rights in
the same manner that the husband has rights
as well.
So, treat them well.
Treat them with kindness.
Treat them like a human being that you
are living with looking after you and you
are looking after them.
So, don't treat the person as though they
are a slave and you can do whatever
you want with them and you bought this
person.
And we will get to mahr inshaAllah.
And that's why sometimes there is this idea.
When I've paid 20k mahr, I've paid 50k
mahr.
I'm not saying it's the right idea.
It's the wrong idea.
But when you've paid so much money as
a man, at times he begins to think,
But I paid all of this money, I
can do whatever I want with her.
No, that money is a token given to
her as a signifying that you will be
spending money on her for the rest of
your life.
So, don't become that person who is now
abusive because you've paid so much mahr.
If you didn't want, then don't accept that.
Turn away.
Move away.
And leave it and find someone else.
And if you are a sister and you
are listening to this, make it easy for
the brothers to get married.
But I will move on to the next
point before we get to that inshaAllah.
Trauma.
Ask the person if they have been through
trauma in their lives.
In any way, shape or form.
And to what extent they have been through
trauma.
It is absolutely important.
It is perhaps, after the deen and the
character, the most important question that you can
ask your potential.
What trauma have you been through?
To a certain extent, most if not all
of us have been through some trauma in
our lives.
Some, 40, 50, 70, 80%.
It just depends what the person has been
through.
Another question to ask, which is related, is
how did your parents get along while you
were growing up?
Were they good to each other?
Did they love each other?
Did they show mercy to each other?
Was there peace in the home?
Or did you wake up to shouting voices?
Screaming at each other?
People at loggerheads every day.
What was the situation in the home like
for you as you were growing up?
You know why?
That potential who is sitting in front of
you is actually a child.
And they, one day, were sitting viewing their
parents for 10 years, 15 years, 20 years.
They were watching what was happening in the
home.
And when they saw their parents fighting, they
saw how they fought, and what happened, and
what the outcome was, and how they resolved
it, and whether they resolved it or not.
So, they are like a sponge.
If you crumple up a sponge and you
place it in water, then it will absorb
water.
If you place it in oil, it will
absorb oil.
If you place it in alcohol, it will
absorb alcohol.
So, whatever they saw is their idea of
what a marriage is subconsciously in their minds.
And then there is the ideal.
That is a construct of society that has
been placed in their minds as well.
The books they read.
The society and what society deems to be
marriage.
The social media that they viewed.
That is a construct.
The movies that they watched.
The TV shows that they watched.
That is a construct of society that has
been painted in their minds.
The two are very different to each other.
One is the subconscious.
And that is generally, by and large, what
kicks in when the person gets married.
Why?
Because as they move, and that honeymoon period
ends, and the problems begin, then you find
that the person begins to relate to those
problems.
I remember this.
I remember witnessing this in the home as
we were growing up.
If they've got an emotional bond, a trauma
bond to that situation back when they were
young, then that is the emotion that will
be incited when the problems arise.
When you are used to seeing your mother
and father fighting in the home, then one
of two things happens.
One, you will become averse to any conflict.
And you will become averse to any problem.
So you will try to avoid confronting your
spouse with regards to anything.
That is bad.
Because now even that which is a problem,
you won't say.
And you will bottle it up to avoid
the trauma, revisiting the trauma that you have
been through.
Or, you will find yourself becoming attached to
trauma.
So, even when things are good, you will
look for problems.
Why?
Because your idea of what is a normal
marriage has been built into your subconscious prior.
So when things are normal and everything is
okay, you look around to say, Why is
everything so quiet?
This is not normal.
This is not what a marriage looks like.
So, you look for problems and incite problems
due to what you have been through in
your past.
You see why it is so important to
ask this question.
How did your parents get along as you
were growing up?
Did you have any other problems?
Were you sexually abused?
Were you sexually abused?
I know of people who, when they get
married and the husband touches them, they freeze
up.
And only to discover that this person has
been sexually abused when they were young.
So, anything sexual towards them, positive or negative
later on, reminds them of the trauma that
they have been through.
And who is it?
That is a sexual perpetrator most of the
times.
It is an uncle, an aunt, a brother,
a sister, someone close.
Someone close.
Perhaps that person was addicted to *, watching
these scenes, doing all of this.
And now, they wanted to practice it.
The first sacrificial lamb that they found in
front of them was this child.
If this person has been exploited as a
child, ask them, Have you been sexually abused?
Okay, you've been through this trauma.
Have you processed the trauma?
Have you spoken to a therapist?
What have you done to go through this
and get through it in order to move
to the next stage of your life?
And if the person has not processed it,
give them advice to process it.
And then walk away from that person.
No matter how beautiful they are, no matter
how much deen they have, no matter how
much character they have, if it is serious
trauma that they have been through, walk away
from this person.
I'm telling you, it causes a lot of
problems later on.
Because they haven't processed it, there will be
serious issues that will arise.
And if you are happy to go through
that journey of processing their trauma with them,
then you are free to do so.
If you want to do so, bismillah, but
be prepared for what is to come.
Be prepared for what is to come.
May Allah help you.
Ameen.
Let's make it clear.
These people who have been through this are
not the perpetrators.
They are the victims.
They have suffered.
They are the victims.
Definitely.
But everybody is a victim in some way.
And in order to move on in life,
you must process that which you have been
through and then find a way forward.
And that is what Allah subhanahu wa ta
'ala wants of us.
He wants us to move forward without focusing
on the negatives of the past.
How can you do that?
You can do it by processing it.
Often times I hear of sisters and they
tell me, they send me messages, Hey, I've
been through trauma, I've been through this and
that.
Genuinely, when I look at the problem and
I understand what they've been through, I can
understand that they've been through a lot.
I can see they've been through a lot.
But when you ask them the follow up
question, Have you been to see a counselor?
Have you googled whom you can find that
can help you?
The answer usually is no.
Why have you not tried to find a
solution to your problem?
It's been 5 years, 10 years, 15 years
you've been suffering.
There was a brother who tells me that
his sister was being sexually abused in the
home by the father.
And everyone knew.
And nobody did anything.
Allahu Akbar.
Why not?
Why didn't someone stand up and say, We
don't care about our honor.
We don't care about our Izzah.
What matters is what Allah SWT is viewing.
And this is abhorrent.
Report him to the police.
Bring it up with different family members that
may be able to do something.
Take that child out of the house.
So what if he's jailed for 20 years?
And so what if the world knows that
he's a *?
The world should know that he's a *.
And I must say that when such abusers
are in the home, Then it is your
duty.
It is your duty to report that.
You will be asked, Wallahi, if you had
the capacity, And you didn't do anything, you
will be asked, Before Allah SWT, why did
you not do anything?
Why did you not do anything?
You know, Allah SWT says that when the
child, That was killed for no reason, Is
raised Yawmul Qiyamah, وَإِذَا الْمَوْدَةُ سُئِلَتْ بِأَي ذَنبٍ
قُتِلَتْ When the buried child, who was buried
alive, Is raised Yawmul Qiyamah, That child will
be questioned, With what sin were you buried
alive?
Why were you buried alive?
That's not an interrogation for the child.
That is a threat to the rest of
those people who are there, You didn't report
it, you didn't do anything.
What crime did this child commit?
What did it do?
Nothing.
Nothing, absolutely nothing.
Why were you killed?
Similarly, why were you sexually abused?
You had parents, you had people who knew
about it, Nobody did anything?
You will answer to Allah SWT, I cared
more about our family name, I cared more
about our honor, I cared more about our
Izzah, All of that is down the drain,
forget about it.
What matters is what is with Allah, What
matters is the sanity of this child, The
innocence of this child, So report that person,
If it is your father, report your father.
Take the child out of the home, She
does not need to see that father again.
Allahu Akbar.
What kind of minds do we have When
we care more about our image in society
Than we care about the life of a
child, And the innocence of a child.
May Allah SWT empower us, And the one
thing that will be the driver For you
to stand up for justice Is your belief
in Allah SWT.
You will go through problems after having reported
this family member, But, remember that Allah is
there for you.
You did the right thing despite it being
hard, Allah SWT is there, And you did
it for Him.
You can stand up for Palestine, Your Palestine
is in your home.
You can stand up for the child who
is being pulled out of the rubble, Your
Palestine is at home.
Stand up for that child, Stand up for
that injustice, Why not?
And when we practice it on a small
scale, Allah empowers us to practice it on
a large scale, And that is when we
have just leaders in society.
You know, I hear of Sheikh so and
so did this, And Mawlana so and so
did that, And Pir Sahib so and so
did this, Wallahi, anyone, first and foremost, If
you are male or female, I say male
or female today, Don't get into a room
alone, Especially if you are vulnerable, Don't get
into a room alone with a Mawlana, A
Sheikh, a Pir.
In Islam, Islam prohibits you from being secluded
with this Mawlana and with this Sheikh.
If you are a female, Being secluded and
alone is a problem.
And why?
Because of the cases that we see.
The Mawlana raped her, Allahu Akbar.
What kind of a Mawla is that?
What kind of a protector is that?
He's supposed to be protecting you and protecting
the deen, But he rapes the child.
How?
How?
He abuses the child.
How can you have?
You know, if your child is in madrasa,
I say this, If your child is in
madrasa, Make sure that that child doesn't sit
next to the Sheikh.
Right next to the Sheikh.
He shouldn't.
That is when they put their hands all
over the child.
And I'm not saying this is all of
them.
They are a minority still.
And this is what destroys and breaks the
image of the God-fearing servants of Allah,
Who are actually out there doing the work
of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.
We need to be ahead of the game.
Before it comes out in mainstream media, we
should be exposing that Sheikh.
And we should be exposing that Pir.
Why?
Because he is actually harming children.
There was a person in a country, in
Zambia, There was a person known as a
Mawlana.
He was known as a Mawlana.
And what did he do?
He went around peddling children, Allahu Akbar.
Not only abusing them, but he was feeding
them to people, powerful people.
Jeffrey Epstein of Zambia, Allahu Akbar.
Peddling children to other people to abuse.
Running a * ring.
How?
How can we not stand up on the
minbar and say, So and so with this
name is an evil person.
Because his harm is mutahaddi.
It passes on to the next being.
If that person is having an illicit relationship
with an adult, In a consensual relationship, We
will go to them and privately advise them.
We will tell them, listen brother, we know
what you are doing.
X, Y and Z, don't do it.
You know what?
May Allah cover you.
We will hide their sins.
But when it becomes a crime where they
are actually harming another human being, * another
human being, Sexually abusing another human being, We
will not let it go.
And that is Islam.
That is Islam.
And I speak about it because it is
becoming more and more common.
Especially when we have those who are addicted
to *.
I'm not talking about a person who views
it once in a while and makes a
mistake and makes tawbah.
There are people who watch it day in
day out, cannot get away from it.
They want to sometimes even kill themselves due
to what they are engaged in and addicted
to.
Such people graduate in their fantasies.
And sometimes they reach a point where they
abuse animals.
At times they reach a point where they
abuse children.
So, it's never enough.
And some of these people, like a man
known as Ted Bundy, Becomes a serial killer.
Because it doesn't matter what he does anymore.
He needs more and more.
He reaches a point where only killing is
fulfilling his desire.
Allahu Akbar.
So, it is a serious issue that we
must speak about.
May Allah protect us and empower us to
speak.
Ameen.
When to marry?
Know that there is no perfect time to
marry.
But there is a good time to marry.
And that is as soon as possible.
Especially when you are living in a country
where Zina is rampant.
Where you can dial a woman.
You can dial a man into your hotel
room.
You can simply find a phone number and
call and they will pitch up at your
door.
When you are living in such a country,
Then we need to make Nikah easy.
We need to identify the barriers to Nikah.
And then bring them down one by one.
And I say this because number one, Mahr
is a problem.
Number two, the idea of parents, that parents
have in marriage of Send my child to
university and let them graduate.
And when they graduate, then we will get
married.
They will get married is a problem as
well.
The child comes to them saying, I need
to get married.
I am 20 years old, 21 years old.
My desire is through the roof.
My desire is through the roof.
And let's not be ashamed of it.
You do get married for desire.
The hadith of Rasulullah ﷺ addressing the youth.
You see how Islam is a solution?
You see how Islam is a solution to
everything?
Oh youth, من استطاع منكم الباءة فليتزوج The
one who is able to get married, let
him get married.
فَإِنَّهُ أَغَضُّ لِلْبَصَرِ وَأَحْسَنُ لِلْفَرْجِ For indeed, it
is more protective.
It is more lowering of the gaze and
more protective of the private parts.
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala is telling you
get married.
And it is protective of your desire.
It is protective of your life.
You will be able to live correctly.
And what are they saying?
No, hold on.
Wait until you are out of university.
I had someone come to me saying, I
am telling my parents this.
And they say, it doesn't matter.
Go out with them and have a relationship.
As long as you don't have children, it's
okay.
What are you saying?
You are telling your own child to go
and commit zina.
That is what you are saying.
You are telling your child to do that
which Allah told you not to even come
close to.
وَلَا تَقْرَبُ الْزِنَاءِ إِنَّهُ كَانَ فَاحِشًا And don't
even come close to zina.
Don't even come close to zina.
Indeed, it is immorality.
Allahu Akbar.
Yet you are telling your child, just use
protection.
It's okay.
Allahu Akbar.
What kind of a parent are you?
What kind of a believer in Allah Rabbul
Izzati wal Jalal are you?
And I don't want to just sit and
lambast parents for this.
But I want to encourage you with practical
steps.
Go to your parents and communicate it to
them day in day out until they open
up the blinkers that are on their eyes.
Talk to them.
Say, listen, I have a problem.
It doesn't matter if you need to be
explicit with them.
I'm going to commit zina if you guys
don't allow me to get into this marriage.
It's going to cause me problems.
Please, allow this marriage.
And even if then they just allow the
marriage, it's okay.
Alhamdulillah, you can now sit down with your
potential and say, Hey, let's discuss.
I don't have enough money to look after
you right now.
We're in university.
We're building a career.
We will get there where I can look
after you.
But for now, I need you to take
out this condition where I will pay the
rent.
Let's live in our own parents' homes.
It's okay.
And then after 3, 4, 5 years of
studying and we have our own careers, we
will live on our own.
So we live in our own parents' homes.
Each one in their parents' homes.
And we will see each other and live
with each other and go out with each
other and do everything else.
And it's halal.
It's pleasing to Allah, Rabbul Izzati wal Jalal.
In such an instance, you can even delay
having children.
Just say it's okay.
Doesn't matter.
We will wait until we have graduated.
And if you trust Allah enough, If you
trust Allah enough and mark my words, try
it out.
Whoever has the ability to do so, try
it out.
وَيَجْعَلْ لَهُ مَخْرَجًا وَيَرْزُقُهُ مِنْ حَيْثُ لَا يَحْتَسِبُ
And the one who fears Allah, Then Allah
subhanahu wa ta'ala will open up his
doors and give him rizq from where he
cannot imagine.
You know what happens?
You got married for the fear of Allah,
Rabbul Izzati wal Jalal.
And what did he do?
He sent down the heavens to you as
a result.
The very reason why you are afraid of
getting married is the very reason why Allah
subhanahu wa ta'ala tells you to get
married.
وَلِيَسْتَعَفِ فِي الَّذِينَ لَا يَجِدُونَ نِكَاحًا حَتَّى يُغْنِيَهُمُ
اللَّهُ مِنْ فَضْلِهِ And let those who are
not finding nikah be chased until Allah gives
them His riches.
And Allah, until Allah enriches them from His
favor.
What is he saying?
You find the nikah, you have found the
richness, the wealth of Allah, Rabbul Izzati wal
Jalal.
He'll give it to you.
And I tell you, I give you my
example.
I will give you my example.
I applied to come to the UK to
meet my potential.
I couldn't.
They blocked my visa.
They refused my visa.
But Alhamdulillah, I'm standing here.
I visited anyways.
Right?
So, I invited my potential back home to
Zimbabwe.
And I said, look, come home.
And Inshallah, things will go okay.
Let's meet in person.
We've spoken a few times.
We've spoken quite a number of times now.
It's time we meet in person.
She came over with her dad.
And Alhamdulillah, she came on a Friday.
We met on a Saturday.
We agreed on a Sunday and we got
married on a Monday.
Alhamdulillah.
How was our wedding?
My sister was not present.
There were people closest to me that were
not present.
But we did the nikah because it is
the sunnah of Rasulullah s.a.w. We
wanted to get married.
So, we said, Bismillah.
Whoever is present is present.
We do it.
There were about, honestly, I think there were
about 25 people at the wedding party.
Alhamdulillah.
Alhamdulillah.
What more do you want?
You have the nikah.
It's simple.
It's okay.
And Alhamdulillah, the same person.
We are still married together.
Alhamdulillah.
Now, say, MashaAllah.
Allahumma Barik.
Alhamdulillah.
So, Sheikh Shadri told me, don't talk about
your personal issues.
But it's a good example, right?
So, it's a practical example that we have
from my own life.
So, trust Allah s.w.t. When I
got married, Alhamdulillah, I say Alhamdulillah, I didn't
have enough to put a roof over the
head of my spouse.
I relied on family.
We lived together.
We did whatever.
We actually got something else that was funded
by a family member.
Alhamdulillah.
It's okay to rely on your family members
and the support system there for some time
until you have enough and Allah gives you.
So, trust Allah s.w.t. And when
you get a child, I promise you that
rizq only gets more.
Why?
Because you have not only one line of
rizq coming down from the heavens, but you
have two and you have a third.
Now, there are three that are pouring into
one pot and the doors fling open.
Alhamdulillah.
Thank Allah s.w.t. Don't ever not
get married because you are poor.
If you have a plan, you have a
job, you are trying something, you are working
at university towards, find the barriers that are
there, bring them down one by one and
make it easy to get married.
Especially in this country and especially in the
western world where it is so easy to
dial a woman and dial a man and
do whatever you want or go on to
online and watch the scenes and become addicted
to *.
And then what happens?
By the time the person is now even
considering marriage, their desire is already gone.
They don't even care.
They don't even care.
I get married, I don't get married.
What's the big deal?
It doesn't matter.
I've done it all anyways.
So why wait until then?
Enjoy your marriage.
Love your marriage.
Prosper in your marriage.
Value your marriage.
By doing the right thing and Allah s
.w.t. will open up the doors.
When you are having problems and you have
serious issues, Anyone know how long I've been
speaking for?
40 minutes?
Alhamdulillah.
So when you are going through problems, you
should bear in mind what kind of a
personality you have.
If you understand who you are and what
kind of a personality you have, then you
will understand how to resolve that problem.
And why do I say this?
Because sometimes when the two are going at
each other and they're shouting at each other
and they're fighting with each other, the one
finds it very difficult at times to say
what they want because of who they are
and what their personality is like.
So if you are an agreeable personality, then
you will find yourself remaining silent more often
than not.
And then what happens?
It builds up, builds up, builds up.
And then you erupt and take it all
out.
Don't be this person.
Instead of doing that, then you can't speak
it in the moment.
Wait for later and send a text message.
Wait for later and send an email.
Drop a letter.
Do something.
Send a message through a person that they
trust.
But communicate.
Do whatever you need to communicate what you
want.
And say what you mean and mean what
you say.
So if you are an agreeable personality, understand.
If you are a disagreeable personality, and know
that I'm generalizing personalities here.
So there's so much more.
But if you are a disagreeable personality, then
understand that you need to hold your tongue
more than other people.
And you need to watch what you say
more than other people.
Because The cutting of the sword, the wounds
that it causes, those they heal up.
And they go away.
And at times the mark will even leave.
But the cutting of the tongue, those wounds
never leave.
They remain forever.
So whatever you say, be very careful.
If you are angry, walk away.
Stop that discussion and continue later when you
have calmed down.
Find an alternative means of communication.
How many spouses have been divorced due to
the anger of the husband?
He's angry.
He says, Have you ever seen a husband
say, Honey, how are you?
I divorce you.
No.
Doesn't happen, right?
I love you so much.
You know what?
I divorce you.
No, it doesn't happen.
It doesn't happen.
It's always in anger.
And then they're calling you.
It's 3, 1 and 1 is 3.
I say, No.
لَقَدْ كَفَرَ الَّذِينَ قَالُوا إِنَّ اللَّهَ ثَالِثُ ثَلَاثًا
They have disbelieved those who say that Allah
is the third of three.
Three is three and one is one.
خلاص.
Leave it like that.
Now you want to change your opinion because
you want a way out?
But you followed that madhab for the rest
of your entire life.
You followed that madhab.
Now you know what?
It's okay.
I'll just do this.
Because it's the more correct thing.
Look, I'm not saying that you can't go
by that opinion.
But hold your tongue before you have to
get to that point where you have to
give up your own madhab for the sake
of something that silly that you've done.
I know a brother.
He went on a bachelor party or something.
And his wife is asking him, Who's going
to be there?
Who are you to question me?
And she was right in questioning him.
He was having an affair.
And she's questioning him just due to the
fact that she said, Who is going to
be there?
He said, طلاق طلاق طلاق.
It's over.
And that was it.
And now she's messaging me to say, Can
we find a way out?
I said, خلاص.
It's over.
According to me, three is three.
You say it thrice.
خلاص.
It's over.
You've said it thrice.
Why didn't you think?
But you can go to some other shaykh
if you want to.
So think very carefully before you go through
your issues.
While you are going through your issues, think
what you are doing.
Think about what you are doing.
And compromise is a big word when it
comes to marriages.
Compromise and ignore.
Turn a blind eye.
When there is something that irks you that
you can ignore, ignore it.
Turn a blind eye.
It doesn't matter.
The small issues, let them pass.
It's the bigger ones that you want to
thrash out and resolve.
The small issues, he leaves his socks here
and you don't mind.
It's an irritating thing but you don't mind
just picking them up and putting them in
the basket.
It's okay.
Let it go.
Don't fight and create a war over it.
Maybe you want to mention it nicely sometime.
Half of resolving problems in marriages are simply
turning a blind eye.
I didn't see that video you were watching
yesterday.
He was checking out someone else and you
just act like you didn't know.
Why?
Because it doesn't happen all the time.
If it happens all the time, you now
go to him and say, Hey, what's up
man?
I see you checking out these chicks all
the time.
What's happening?
And I say this because I know brothers,
their wives are always fighting with them.
I knew a brother who used to tell
his wife, Hey, check that chick out.
And I said, Hey, what's wrong with you
man?
That's your wife you're speaking to.
How can you even say that?
They eventually ended up getting divorced.
He described characteristics on her and tell his
wife, I said, you're a psychopath man.
What's wrong with you?
How can you say her shape is like
this and like that?
And you're speaking to your wife.
So when it becomes a big issue, then
raise that issue and discuss it.
But if it is minor, You know, simply
turn a blind eye and look at it
like it's nothing.
It's okay.
It doesn't matter.
Let it pass.
And that is how marriages happen.
That is how they become prosperous.
Sometimes your spouse even knows that you turned
a blind eye.
You never spoke about it, but you both
know the dynamic and what happened.
So, may Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala grant
us the ability to understand.
Two more aspects and I will end of
insha Allah.
Cheating happens today and it happens very often.
Oftentimes I get messages from people, My husband
is cheating.
My wife is cheating.
I know about it.
I haven't approached them.
I don't know what the story is.
And oftentimes today the underlying reason is comparison.
We are simply sitting and comparing our lives
to other people.
So we want to be like them and
we want what they have.
And when we can't have what they have,
Then we want a piece of their life,
So we end up with people that we
think are similar to them.
Or we end up with a more powerful
figure.
And that's what we think that hey, maybe
this is what life is all about.
Psychologists say that women cheat with men who
are higher than the man that they are
with.
And men cheat with people who are lower.
Why?
Because a woman is looking for strength.
A woman is looking for wealth.
For all of that.
And a man is looking for respect.
A man is looking for love.
A man is looking for kindness.
A man is looking for someone who can
look up to him.
So he cheats with someone who is lower.
So this is what the studies say.
This all emanates often times simply from your
phone.
Why?
Because you are sitting going through reel after
reel of other people's lives.
You will be dissatisfied so long as you
continue to look at those who have more.
Islam gave you the answer.
أُنظُرُوا إِلَىٰ مَنْ هُوَ دُونَكُمْ وَلَا تَنظُرُوا إِلَىٰ
مَنْ هُوَ فَوْقَكُمْ فَهُوَ أَجْدَرُوا أَلَّا تَزْدَرُوا نِعْمَةَ
اللَّهِ عَلَيْكُمْ Look at those who are beneath
you and don't look at those who are
above you.
For indeed, it is better for you not
to disdain, dislike the bounty of Allah subhanahu
wa ta'ala over you.
You're watching the reel, you're watching reel after
reel of other people, better lives, better holidays,
better cars, better homes.
You look at your little hut and you
say, what?
We live like peasants, right?
But if you look down at the person
who doesn't even have, go out there and
walk on these streets and look at the
homeless people and the drug addict and look
at those people who have nothing.
Look at Palestine and understand what you have.
Then you begin to value what you have.
This social media addiction is not healthy.
And please don't give these devices to your
children.
If it can lead you to divorce, and
it can lead you to cheating, and it
can lead you to all of this, then
what of the mind of a young child
who is absorbing everything that is there?
You are building a reality that is harmful
to that child.
You are building a reality that is harmful
to that child.
So, avoid watching social media and the lives
of others.
You must have time on social media?
No problem.
One hour a day.
Limit it and put a timer.
The app will tell you it's enough.
When it says it's enough, don't say ignore
and give me another hour.
Don't say ignore and give me another hour.
Because that's what happens.
It gives you the option.
You know what?
Just ignore for now.
Don't ignore.
My time is up.
I know a brother who was telling me
recently, he said, three months I gave up
social media.
I'm more happy than ever.
I feel content.
I feel blissful.
I feel like I got sakinah and mercy
in my life.
I feel appreciative.
I wake up looking forward to my day.
The first thing we do, we wake up
and we pick up the phone.
We want to look at other people's life.
By the time it's time to go to
work, your mind is already full of all
of these images and you're saying, look at
me and my terrible life that I lead.
Allahu Akbar.
The hadith is telling you, don't do that.
Become more appreciative of what you have by
looking at what you actually have.
And looking at those who have less than
you.
And then you begin to appreciate the bounty
of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala over you.
You know, often times we say that the
image that you see is not the reality.
And behind the screen is a lot more.
We say that, right?
And it is true.
But let's assume that that is their life.
And every single day they wake up on
a yacht and they bathe in the ocean
and they do all of this.
Let's assume that's their life.
By you viewing that, are you going to
get that life?
Is it going to be yours?
So why are you mentally torturing yourself every
day?
Let it go.
Let it go.
Get off those pages.
Unfollow those people.
Follow the right pages and watch the right
content.
And Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala with the
same device will give you that gratitude that
you are after.
So contentment is of utmost importance.
And when you see someone who has better
features and has a better looking life and
has a nicer car and a nicer home,
remind yourself that Allah has given me what
I have and I need to be grateful.
Your spouse is there.
Look at your spouse and truly be grateful
to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala for what
you have.
You know what happens?
That union will become solidified.
And now you have the barakah from Allah
subhanahu wa ta'ala.
When you disagree in your marriage, remember one
thing.
Between you and your spouse is Allah subhanahu
wa ta'ala.
Behave as though you are at three corners
of a triangle.
One is you.
The other one is your spouse.
And the third is Allah rabbul izzati wal
jalal.
And there is a hadith that is to
this effect.
أَنَا ثَالِثُ الشَّرِيكَيْنِ مَا لَمْ يَخُنْ أَحَدُهُمَا صَحِبَهُ
فَإِنْ خَانَهُ خَرَجْتُ مِن بَيْنِهِمَا I am the
third of three until there is a cheating.
Until there is some sort of deception.
So, I am the third of two partners.
Until there is some form of deception.
So, if he deceives his partner, I leave
that union.
If he deceives his partner, I leave that
union.
This, I assume, is speaking about the business
partnerships.
But the partnership that you have in marriage
is not different.
Allah is there.
His help is there.
His power is there.
His rahmah is there.
And the minute you do something wrong, you
do not only something wrong.
You cheat on your spouse or you deceive
your spouse.
Allah says, خَرَجْتُ مِن بَيْنِهِمَا I leave them.
I go away from that.
So, bear that in mind and connect with
Allah, Rabbul Izzati wal Jalal.
You have a problem with your spouse, you
know, one of the first things that you
are meant to do is to say, How
is my salah?
How is the salah of my spouse?
And then move towards Allah, Rabbul Izzati wal
Jalal.
As you move towards Allah, you find yourself
seeing eye to eye and connecting.
Because you are closing the gap between you
and your spouse with the most powerful being
that exists.
So, you are connecting to him.
She is connecting to him.
And there you will find there is peace,
there is rahmah.
And that is why Allah subhanahu wa ta
'ala tells us that, وَإِن يَتَفَرَّقَ يُغْنِي اللَّهُ
كُلًّا مِّن سَعَاتِهِ Then, even though you are
together both with Allah, Rabbul Izzati wal Jalal,
you are separating.
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala uses the very
same word that he uses for nikah.
He told you he will give you ghina,
he will give you wealth.
When you are connected, when you get married,
then he tells you he will give you
that wealth.
And that ghina when you divorce as well.
If you divorce in a good manner.
When Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala spoke about
nikah.
When he spoke about divorce before the divorce.
You know how he describes it.
وَإِن خِفْتُمْ شِقَاقَ بَيْنِهِمَا فَبَعَثُوا حَكَمًا مِّنْ أَهْلِهِ
وَحَكَمًا مِّنْ أَهْلِهَا And if you fear tearing
them apart.
You know why?
Allah is saying nikah actually, the divorce tears
you apart.
It's like a paper that you take and
you tear it apart.
It was one, it now becomes two.
Allah is speaking about it before you get
divorced.
Then you should dispatch a referee from his
family and a referee from her family.
And let them resolve it.
إِن يُرِيدَ إِصْلَاحًا If they want some goodness.
يُوَفِّقِ اللَّهُ بَيْنَهُمَا Allah will give them the
ability to reunite.
So if they want some goodness, Allah will
give them the ability to reunite.
But when speaking about it before divorce, Allah
said what?
When you fear that they will be torn
apart.
And then when the divorce is happening, Allah
says, وَإِن يَتَفَرَّقَا When they separate.
Why does He use two different words?
Because one is discouraging you.
It is a tearing of a union that
is in society.
But if you do it in the right
manner, Allah will be pleased with that divorce
as well.
If you do it in the right manner
and you must do it, then Allah will
be pleased with that divorce as well.
I know of a couple in London who
got divorced and told their parents, I don't
think you can help us right here, so
we don't want you to get involved, but
we want to remain friends.
We want to remain on a good note
with each other.
They got divorced, Allah gave him, Allah gave
her, they both have spouses, they both have
families today.
Alhamdulillah.
So whenever you divorce, don't make it acrimonious.
And do not use your children as pawns
against your husband.
Your ex, yes you hate him, yes you
don't like him.
But don't use your children who are innocent.
Do you know what you are doing to
the psyche of that child?
You are breaking the child.
What kind of a mindset will the child
grow up with?
When he knows that I've been used my
entire life to fight a battle of egos
between my parents.
We got together, remember the good times and
remind yourself that there were good times.
The person has good traits, yes he cheated
on me, yes she cheated on me.
You know what?
Allah forgive her, Allah forgive him.
May Allah open his doors, may Allah open
her doors.
Have this attitude, and when can you have
this attitude?
When you believe in Allah more than you
believe in the dunya.
It's not about the house, and it's not
about the car, and who gets what?
Because you care about Allah, Rabbul Izzati wal
Jalal.
One point that I've mentioned in all of
these cities, that I will mention here and
then inshallah I will read out something to
you and end of.
If you are getting divorced, the country allows
you to take half of what your spouse
has.
You are allowed as a man to take
half, she is allowed as a woman to
take half.
Islam says differently.
Allah says his is his and hers is
hers.
When you get divorced, you take not a
penny in Islam.
And if you take it, remember legally, you
have the right to take it.
But remember, فَمَنْ شَاءَ فَلْيُؤْمِنْ وَمَنْ شَاءَ
فَلْيَكْفُرْ The one who wants to believe, let
him believe.
The one who wants to disbelieve, let him
disbelieve.
I'm not saying it is a matter of
belief, but you want to take it, remember
that with Allah and in Islam, it is
a piece of the fire.
If it is not yours and does not
belong to you and you did not contribute
to the house, and you did not contribute
to that car that you are taking, then
remember, فَإِنَّمَا هِيَ قِطَعَةٌ مِّنَ النَّارِ فَلْيَأْكُلْهَا أَوْ
لِيَدَعْهَا The hadith of Rasulullah ﷺ tells us
that the one whom I have judged wrongly
for, the Messenger ﷺ sometimes would judge wrongly
in favor of the oppressor because he does
not know the entire facts of what has
happened.
It is not Wahi, not everything did he
receive Wahi for.
So, إِنَّكُمْ تَخْتَصِمُونَ إِلَيَّ وَلَعَلَّ بَعْضَكُمْ يَكُونُ أَلْحَنَ
بِحُجَّتِهِ مِنْ بَعْضٍ فَأَقْضِي لَهُ بِحَقِّ أَخِيهِ You
come arguing to me and you tell me
about your argument and you are more eloquent
in your argument, so I judge for you
with the right of your brother, meaning it
is not your right and I give it
to you.
فَمَنْ قَضَيْتُ لَهُ بِحَقِّ أَخِيهِ فَإِنَّمَا هِيَ قِطَعَةٌ
مِّنَ النَّارِ فَلْيَأْكُلْهَا أَوْ لِيَدَعْهَا So the one
whom I have judged for with the right
of his brother, let him remember that it
is a piece of the fire.
So let him eat it or leave it.
Would you like to eat fire?
No.
None of us wants to eat نار جهنم.
It's not the fire of this dunya.
It's a piece of the fire of the
akhirah that will torment you in this dunya
as well.
And that is what Islam says.
So you can take it.
By law you can take it.
Remember it is a piece of the fire
that you are taking.
And when you get to Allah رَبُّ الْعِزَّةِ
وَالْجَلَالِ I ask you one question that should
make you really think about this.
Will that lawyer whom you employed for 100
,000 or 200,000 pounds be present to
tell Allah that I told him take it,
I told her take it, even though it
wasn't his, it wasn't hers.
Will that lawyer be there present or will
they behave like the devil does يوم القيامة
وَقَالَ الشَّيْطَانُ لَمَّا قُضِيَ الْأَمْرُ إِنَّ اللَّهَ وَعَدَكُمْ
وَعَدَ الْحَقِّ وَوَعَدْتُمْكُمْ فَأَخْلَفْتُكُمْ وَمَا كَانَ لِيَ عَلَيْكُمْ
مِنْ سُلْطَانٍ إِلَّا أَنْ دَعَوْتُكُمْ فَاسْتَجَبْتُمْ لِي فَلَا
تَلُومُونِي وَلُومُوا أَنفُسَكُمْ Don't blame me but blame
yourselves.
I have no authority over you.
I didn't tell you.
I just invited you and you came.
You responded.
I had no authority over you.
You are the one who dialed my number
and said come fight my case.
Your actions are yours today.
You go answer to Allah why you took
this piece of the fire.
You know what that means?
When you take it you don't have enough
tawakkul in Allah Rabbul Izzati wal Jalal.
وَمَن يَتَوَكَّلْ عَلَى اللَّهِ فَهُوَ حَسْبُهُ The one
who trusts Allah, Allah is enough for him.
The one who trusts Allah, Allah is enough
for him.
Are you saying Allah is not Ar-Razzaq
enough to give you later on?
You may struggle for some time and the
doors will open from where you cannot imagine.
Because you had the right to take it
and you left it.
I know of an old man where in
India when they were saying You are allowed
to take the land which you farm even
if it is not yours.
You are allowed to put it under your
name and take it, grab it.
The government gave them the right to do
it.
He went and he said to the landlord,
this is not my land.
So the landlord looks at him and says
hey, but everybody else is taking.
He says yeah well let them take, I
know it's not mine, I have to answer
to Allah.
You know what happened?
His family grew in an amazing way.
They have lots of wealth and they have
so much to their name today.
It took two generations.
He passed on while they had a little
bit, a lot more.
And today they have so much.
I know another man who took the fire.
He took what was not his when his
brother passed away.
And the children made, the children whom he
took from, their right.
They made much more money than him, he
lost everything.
Trust Allah, Rabbul Izzati wal Jalal.
Trust Allah and He will open your doors.
Lastly, I'd like to read this and end
of it, Inshallah.
So, why to get divorced?
What are some of the reasons that you
should get divorced?
If you are being physically abused, do not
accept it, get divorced.
If you can't find a resolve, get divorced.
And the first time that he or she
does it, go and report them to the
police.
Say the next time I will put you
in jail.
I will take you to court and nth
degree.
Or call your parents and your brothers and
do what you need to do.
I can't say beat him up.
But anyways, you know what to do.
So, when you are in a relationship with
a narcissist, learn to understand who is a
narcissist.
Don't just call everyone a narcissist simply because
you have a problem.
Ah, he is a narcissist, he is a
narcissist, she is a narcissist.
No.
That's overused as well.
But understand truly when you are in a
relationship with a narcissist, they use you.
They use you for everything.
So you are being used and you are
not being actually taken care of.
They love bomb you.
You know what love bombing is?
They will give you all the gifts in
the world.
They will show you all the attention.
They will shower you with everything.
And then they will abuse you.
And then when you are going further away,
they will bring you back and love bomb
you again.
And what happens is they are playing with
your mind and your emotions so that you
begin to become confused.
I don't know whether I love this person
or not.
You know what, they did this but so
many times they have done so much more.
I know of a brother here in the
UK, Allah forgive him, Allah forgive him.
He used to actually name stars under women's
names and show them that I love you.
He got it from a movie or something,
right?
He would go and get a star named
under her name and then he would physically
beat them up.
And then they would be confused.
And he did it to a number of
women.
That poor woman is sitting there thinking, hey,
I got a star under my name but
there are so many stars out there.
Allahu Akbar.
He abused these women like this.
And then what he would do, he would
do that and with the other hand he
would physically abuse them.
He would emotionally abuse them.
He would torture them.
They gaslight you.
They will do something wrong and when you
confront them about it, they will flip it
on to you every time.
Not one time, every time.
No, it's you and you end up answering
questions to them instead of them answering for
what they did.
They didn't even satisfy the question that you
posed to them.
But they flipped it on you and they
waited for you to answer and now you're
in a tizz and you don't know what's
happening.
They distance you from your loved ones.
This is a big one.
They will distance you from your mother, your
father, your uncle, your aunt, your brother, your
cousin, everyone who is close to you.
A friend who is close to you.
They will distance you, not from one person.
It's different if they say this person is
a bad person.
I don't appreciate you spending time with them.
You know, it's causing problems in our marriage.
But when they distance you from everyone that
you love and everyone that supports you, there
is a problem.
What they are doing is systematically bringing down
your support system.
They will watch and watch their actions because
they will watch whom you go to when
you have a problem.
She went to her mother.
Your mother is a problem.
The next day, your mother is a problem.
Every time you come back from home, there
is a problem in our home.
You go to your father, your father is
a problem.
You go to your friend, your friend is
a problem.
You go to your brother, your brother is
a problem.
You go to your sister, your sister is
a problem.
There is a problem with that person.
So, they will bring down your support system
so you have nobody to go to.
When you want to get out of such
a relationship, have a plan number one and
stick to it.
Know which time, which date and when and
how you are going to get out of
that relationship and get out of it.
Make a list of why you're leaving.
Why should you do this?
Because when they have love-bombed you and
you've spent some time away from them, you
will begin to remember why you loved them.
And you will begin to remember the good
times.
Make a list of why you are leaving
so that you can revisit that in order
to make an informed decision.
Surround yourself with supportive people.
That very network that they brought down, go
back to them, explain to them.
Let them understand who this person is and
get their support again even though you may
have cut them off at times.
Get their support again.
Often times your mother and your father will
welcome you with open arms even though you've
turned away from them.
Because you are their child.
You are their child.
They won't mind.
Go back to them.
Don't be ashamed to stomp on your ego
and say, I was wrong for cutting you
off.
Get support from a therapist.
This is a big one.
Get support from a therapist.
Go through what you have been through.
Process it, understand it and go to one
who is a Muslim or is willing to
facilitate the understanding of your deen.
Because if you go to someone who is
not, they may take you further away from
your deen.
They may actually push you far away from
your deen.
At times you are wearing a scarf.
It's a problem when you are wearing that
scarf and you go to a therapist.
It's a problem in the home.
I know some parents who say, why are
you putting a rag on your head?
You are wearing a scarf and you go
to the therapist.
The therapist tells you, so what?
Take it off.
What's the big deal?
It's okay.
Why?
Because they don't have that level of understanding.
Of your deen.
So, choose someone who understands the deen.
When you go to a therapist.
May Allah make it easy.
Ameen.
InshaAllah, I will end off with that.
We ask Allah to grant us all successful
marriages.
And we ask Allah to give us the
ability to find spouses.
And we ask Allah to get those who
are single here married.
Say Ameen.
You see, I had to change that today.
Because yesterday when I said it.
Then I saw even married brothers saying, Ameen,
Ameen.
I said, hey brother, what's going on man?
You have some answers to give your wife
when you get home.
May Allah bless us all.
InshaAllah, there will be a very interesting segment
after the charities fundraiser.
So, wait for that.