Hosai Mojaddidi – Stress Solutions to Survive & Thrive
AI: Summary ©
AI: Transcript ©
Assalamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh
Alhamdulillah
I wanted to first thank all of you for being here, it's so important
that as a community, we come together whenever we have
important events, but especially events, around topics that are
very critical in our community. And this is one, in my own
experience that I deal with on a regular, I would say, sometimes
daily, weekly basis hearing from friends and different people who
are just really at their wit's end about what to do with regards to
finding a balance in their homes with all of this, you know,
technology and devices and screens and everything that were the
documentary talked about. So I'm really happy to see everybody here
and Hamdulillah. With that said, I am here as a parent, sitting in
front of you, as someone who's dealing with these conversations
as well, as well as someone who's again in the community, having
conversations with other people. So I have both perspectives. And
one of the things that I
have noticed is that the families that are struggling the most with
this, a lot of times they're coming to these conversations a
little, in my estimation, too late. Okay, so I'm going to put
this to the parents, if you're a parent of young children,
even though they might not be, you know, on screens, or have the same
issues that we just saw in the documentary, the conversations
have to start at an early age, because waiting around the time
where there's going to schools where they are going to be asked
to use those devices in classrooms, and they're going to
have their friends bringing, you know, there are devices with them
in middle school, sometimes even now in elementary school, kids are
given these devices. It's the you know, the enticement and the that,
you know, temptation is already there. So you want to have these
conversations ahead of time. And that's why my, what I would like
to share is just some basic tips about communication with your
young children. As we all know, as Muslims, part of our big part of
our faith is the concept of this inner Mujahidin, that we are all
by the way, no matter what age we are, we all will deal with so this
idea of you know that there's this internal constant struggle to show
restraint, to exercise restraint, to know our boundaries, to know
our limits, with everything is something that should be a seed
that should be planted within with our children very young. And so
they should know what access looks like. And, and have that
understanding when it comes to all of these things and understand how
the knifes works. This is all these are all part part of, you
know, spiritual foundational sciences that we should be
teaching our children from a very young age. So that when we
introduce the topic of devices and screens, you can draw parallels to
other conversations you've had, which we're very good at having
most of us are very good about, for example, teaching children
about restricting their diets, you know, I don't, I've never met a
family that's like, Sure, go to the fridge anytime you want, open
it and have whatever you want. At any point. Nobody does that with
their children, they they're very mindful to say, you know, don't do
this, or you can't have this, it's too it's not good for you say
around certain things, we have very open communication. But then
when it comes to other things, we again, like I said, we come to the
conversation too late. So it's so important to draw parallels for
your young children, that just as we as you know, we know, to not
eat an excess or to not indulge in anything in excess, because it's
harmful. And we're our tradition as a middle tradition. When it
comes to screen usage, there is a time and place and when I as your
parent, deem it appropriate, you will get that and you start that
conversation early enough so that you don't wait for them to
suddenly be again, bombarded with, you know it in their face at every
point when they're around their friends, when they're in any
public space. They're seeing it and now the temptation is
overcomes them and now they they come and they know how to work us
right? Please, Mommy please, my friend has it. You know, don't be
so so and so has it and they just keep pushing and pushing and
pushing until you give it and I've seen this a lot of parents giving
in because of guilt because of feeling that they're they're going
to lose their children. They're not going to love them anymore or
they're going to love someone else. And all of these are just
you know, they're sweet children do but we as parents, again have
to enter, you know, pre emptive that preempt all of those complex,
complicated conversations that play on our emotions and
Be willing to have conversations early. So if your child children
are early, that's the advice. Now, if your children are already late,
and they, you know, you've kind of found yourself in a situation
where this is an ongoing battle, every single day, you're, you
know, give me the phone, what are you doing, let me look at what
you're watching. And it's just constant struggle back and forth.
Or they, you know, they're, they're on social media. And, you
know, you've found out about it, I've talked to parents who are
really struggling, because they found out that their children are
doing things behind their back, if you find yourself in that
situation, my advice based on experience working with families,
and also just seeing what's going on in our community, from the
teens perspective, as well, a lot of teens feel there's a disconnect
between them and their parents. And so this concept of the devices
are just one, you know, one debate or one struggle they have, but
it's a symptom of a greater problem, which is there's just a
disconnect, that parents and teens are not communicating with each
other, effectively enough. And then when it comes to this
particular single issue, it becomes the, you know, argument
that over arches or overtakes over eclipses, everything else in the
household. And so it kind of, you know, it only exacerbates existing
problems. So I feel that really the heart of the matter if you're
having an issue is communication and respect. And I feel that from
the teens, they don't feel that their parents have trust in them.
They don't feel that their parents respect them. And they and that's
one of the reasons why they're frustrated and resentful, and
pushing back. And from the parents side, I think it's also just not
having effective communication skills and relying on whatever
parenting models that you may have experienced yourself, which was
what I call passive parenting, if you're just repeating things that
are happening, or that happened to you as a child, and you're, you
know, kind of falling into those models. You're not actively
parenting your children today. And this is why we look to the advice
of setting the Harley who said, do not parent to your children, the
way you were parented, because they are born of a different time.
So this is literally he's telling us don't do that. Don't just be
passive. And, you know, repeat what happened to you, you have to
be present in your home and look at the children that you're with
and realize they are born of a completely different generation.
They have different pressures on them that you have. And so the
better thing to do is try to actually understand where they're
coming from. And that requires dialogue that requires open
communication. And so really listening and appreciating them
and not speaking to them dismissively. And I have, you
know, if you've ever heard any of my talks on parenting, I am very
much against what I find is a is a problem in our community, which is
the authoritarian model of parenting, I think it causes a lot
of problems in our community, this whole top down, do as I say,
because I said, so no, and just no conversation whatsoever, because
you're feeling powerless, and you're trying to establish
authority, but you do it in a way that's disrespectful to your
teenagers, this is not working. And I really say this sincerely,
because I see. And I'm listening to the teams that I talked to,
they are in a world that is totally open arms, and they're
telling them everything they want to hear. They're validating them,
they're sort of accepted for everything in anything. So when
they come to a house, where they don't feel heard, they don't feel
respected, they don't feel like their needs matter. You are
literally handing them off to to the society around them and
shutting them out. And so please, you have to realize that model is
just not working. Open communication is saying you know
what, I don't understand your world. Can you teach me about it?
My generation was different. We didn't wake up in the morning,
looking at our phones and seeing who checked our Instagram pages or
snaps and then you know, dealt with with that we didn't have
messages coming in throughout the day. I don't know that world. Can
you tell me how that's making you feel? How does it feel to not have
to post something and not have you know, the feedback that you want,
just actually discussing things with them, so that you're engaging
them. And this is the report that a parent who's really trying to
connect with their child will have and you'll see that the more you
extend your hand and show that respect, it will be reciprocated
to you. But if you think just saying no, that's it imposing
really harsh restrictions and rules is going to solve your
problem. It's not because guess what, your teens are smart.
They're smarter than you. They will know every backdoor channel
to go and use this phone behind your back. They'll wait till
you're not there. They'll go to their friend's house they'll go to
the library
Don't go to Starbucks, they'll go to target, they'll go to any
public space. And they will find a way to do whatever they wanted to
do without your knowledge, and you'll never know about it is that
the kind of, you know, connection you want just that they they play
the facade of a of a, of an obedient child in your house?
Because that's what works for you, and it helps your ego, or do you
want authenticity? Do you want reality? Do you want truth? Do you
want transparency, the only way to to get that out of your children
is to be willing to have open conversation, without shutting
them down without making them feel bad, and guilty and shame, all of
these things, we have to get rid of it. Because I see it. I see
kids leaving their homes, and they're doing things they should
not be doing. They're doing things they shouldn't and you'll be
surprised. It's happening everywhere in our community. Don't
be fooled to think not my house. Because I I lay down the law, my
kids are scared of me that kind of rhetoric is just really toxic. So
my, that's all I wanted to share today are just reflections. And I
hope you got that from watching the documentary too, is that this
woman who put these two documentaries together, she is a
physician. She is a mother who's also struggling to get through to
her child, she watched her child suffer through anxiety and
depression. But what was her end goal, I'm pretty certain that her
Nia in doing this documentary was twofold, possibly, you know, to
help everybody who can benefit from it, but also to help her own
children. So we should look to that, that, you know that this is
how important it is. If you have you know, people who are
professionals who know this world very well better than we do, still
struggling to try to find that connection. So don't get too ahead
of yourself and think that you've gotten made, rather be humble and
say, You know what, new world new time I need to just have, you
know, be present with my children, and do the best that I could do to
preserve their Eman. That is our job as Muslims, we want to
preserve their Eman their heart and have them connected. And we
can't do that if we're pushing them away. Always. So Malin spot
that protect all of us protect all of you in your homes and guide all
of us in sha Allah, just like the
medical fakie Thank you, startup, OSI. Michelle, we're gonna jump
right into the next section here. And really,
really, I will start by echoing a lot of what it was that I was I
was saying, because when we talk about communication between parent
and child, and when we talk about how it is that we're really going
to make a difference. None of us are unaware of the dangers,
basically social media and how much it actually sucks up so much
of our time. And by here, all the youth in the room, I'm
specifically talking to the adults first. You guys happy that I'm
talking to her parents. First, before I talk to you, the reality
is modeling.
And in fact, I'm going to speak to my own self before I speak to any
other parents in the room, while Sheila but the reality is in the
digital age that we're in, it is I mean, I'll tell you, my phone is
on me 24/7 It is my phone, it is my camera, it is my pager, it is
my has all my notes on it has all my documents on it, it's my email,
it really has everything that I use all the time.
And it never leaves my side. And those in my family can vouch for
that. The differences? What are you going to do about that
constant, feeling connected? Now, many of you who have parents in
the room are either part of Silicon Valley work in Silicon
Valley, or if you're not, you're related to people who do.
Now this whole idea of the modern, whether you're in Silicon Valley
or not, but the modern working lifestyle of the expectation that
you can actually do some work from home
isn't reality of slavery, a kind of slavery. And that work is no
longer a nine to five anymore, it's actually very much expected
that the work is going to happen even after you leave the office.
And when you are gone from the office in your home, there are
expectations to still answer emails to get back to phone calls
to do all kinds of things. And I'll tell you as somebody who has,
if I'm on the other line, it's either somebody in crisis,
or there's some leadership board something that I represent or sing
on but needs an answer. And more often than not, it's a serious
thing. And for all of you you in your own lives and your own
status, you know, whatever it is that you do in your life have
similar things where when you're on that phone, you feel this is
very important. I have to get this done. Now,
the problem is what happens when the children are communicating to
you or trying to say something to you when you are I'll speak
against myself first and foremost. You are in your phone or on your
laptop constantly. And like one of the girls
wasn't documented here said, when she does that her parents demand
that she puts the phone down, looks them in the eye and actually
talks to them directly and finishes the conversation
completely.
But when the youth do the same to us, what do we parents do?
It's important, give me a minute go away.
Right? And I'm just saying reality. All of us here know that
reality very well. But what I'm speaking about is role modeling.
The reason I want to talk about that role modeling is because they
pick up from us more than we realize. And whatever we do, and
however much we're on the phone, including things like say,
especially for those who are teens and have you by the way, we talked
about this last year, we said if you've given your child the phone,
you have put the what the world in their hands, that www stands for
World Wide Web, right? You put the world in all you know, in there,
given the world in their hands, the good and the bad.
And a lot of it is bad, right? And age appropriate, some things are
terrible. And some things are very useful, we'll get to the useful in
a minute. But the reality is when you tell them and parents always
talk about I, you know, I've given them the phone, but then they stay
up all night, we tried to put a curfew, but they stay up all
night, or they stay up for many hours in the night on their phone
or on social on social or so on.
The real question is, what do the adults do?
When you send them to sleep? What are you doing?
So
let's not, you know, make believe that they don't know, and don't
realize some of these things, too. So I'm not here to shame, brother,
I'm here to point out some key things. And since I was very hard
on the parents for a moment, let me get a little bit a little bit
hard on the youth a bit here to kind of a little bit of equal
sharing here. When this documentary was going on, the vast
majority of people in the front part of the room here were our
youth. They're part of our youth groups.
I was standing at the back, and I was standing in the front. How
many of you guys were on your phones? While the documentary was
happening? The documentary talks about screen agers, yes.
So many of you. In fact, some had to get their phone conference, you
know, somebody's raising their hand.
That's very honest of you. Mashallah. No, probably at the
fair, realistically speaking.
You know, the reality is we're so quote, unquote, addicted, we're so
stuck. Now, I'm going to shift for a minute and talk about why that
stuck piece is actually problematic, from a psychiatric
point of view that they had here, psychiatrists, and psychologists
and neuro developmental experts and so on. And they talked about
some of the neurobiology but I'm going to share with you a little
bit more from kind of the physician perspective, and a
little bit more what happens from the mental health perspective of
why this is problematic. They talked very frankly, about the
topic of suicide here on this documentary, so not saying
anything new. But rather, I'm going to tell you about a study
that saw how many they split two people, two groups of youth into
two groups. And they found that those who spent five hours or more
on their phone versus those who spent two hours or less on their
phone. And they found a significant difference that when
you have the more than five hours, there was a 50% chance that that
youth was going to actually have a suicidal risk factor. Compared to
those who are spending two hours or less. That's significant.
That's not a small thing. And explained on the documentary, some
of the reasons that comparing the social back and forth, the feeling
left out the feeling lonely. And one of the most significant points
that I found in this entire documentary was one of the youth
said,
even though I'm not feeling good, I will still go to social media,
even though it makes me feel terrible. And it's a cycle that
just doesn't stop over and over. And then there's the piece about
feeling lonely. So using it as a tool to connect with other people.
And so many people that were in that age prior to social media
will remember that there was a different way where we used to
communicate with each other. And our youth used to be able to know
how to actually look the other in the eye and have a meaningful
conversation that's not behind a screen. And there's always these
complaints about people are not, they don't know how to communicate
like they used to. Right. And we're seeing this consistently the
lack of like, you know, socializing that happens, and that
the one kid on the documentary that talks about how he was
addicted to video games for his entire eighth grade year, and then
suddenly he was like, I don't think I'm happy when skateboarding
and you realize this is what I like better, like getting out to
nature. So here both the youth and the adults, we are deprived a
ship. I'm gonna talk a little bit about the spiritual piece, but
I'll touch on it here too. We are spiritually deprived. When we are
stuck on our technology, we really
are one of my teachers that always say you need in the day you need
to go touch nature.
Like literally go touch a leaf
of a tree, something real, right? Go out and take a walk, take a
run, bike, go hug a tree,
do something that's out in nature. Because if you're not connected
into the real world, you lose yourself in the cyberspace, you
really do. We do it as adults, and as well as youth, and hamdullah,
we have something called five daily prayers in the day that make
us force us to leave everything you know, you can check your phone
and be on social while you're praying.
Right?
Yes, looking at the young, I've seen all kinds of interesting
things standing in the prayer line, trust me, all kinds of
interesting things, people with their phones right in front of
them. And they're praying, but they're literally reading their
messages as they're standing there. Please flip that phone
over, turn it off, do something with it. This is called prayer,
you're meant to disconnect. Allah asks you to unplug at least five
times a day, and connect to him the source of all power. Right? So
back to what we're saying about the problematic nature of this is
really remembering. And somebody who said that Jose said here is
you can't as parents, you can't do the top down approach. You can't
condemn. Rather, the best ways of doing this is really figuring out
and being creative. I think the key word here is creative. We know
the phones aren't gonna go away. It's like cars, once they came,
they're not going away anytime soon. So the reality of my kids
ever gonna drive? I don't know who says that anymore. But maybe some
of you have that fantasy is just not real. Just like Oh, my kids
never going to be have a social media account is also not real.
But the reality of what you can actually do is modulate that have
the open communication, what's actually happening? How do you
actually feel what's helpful, what's harmful. And then talking
about your own experiences, how you also felt out, felt left out
when a group of friends didn't include your invite you. And it
goes through the process of talking of emotions. And if you
have trouble with that, and you get stuck, there is coaching and
mentoring, and therapy to help with that as well. There's other
things that I want to say take screen time and actually turn it
into something useful. What do I mean, part of the biggest problems
with the fear, anxiety and stress that comes with social media is
isolation
is people doing this on their own, they're in their little phones, or
their little corners in the little corner of the room or on their
their beds, right? Engaging only in that way in social media not
engaging with the rest of the world.
So you'll go into a restaurant, literally, and every member of the
family sitting around the table is on their phone, and nobody's
talking to the other person, the entire meal passes this way. Okay,
maybe even in your own home, this happens to what I want to say
about this is turn it into something better. All of you have
phones, or many of you have phones, turn screentime into
family time. What do I mean? It's something's funny, as some YouTube
clip is funny, watch it together and laugh together. You think that
your humor isn't the same? Trust me, the fact that you even care to
engage your kid and the things that that you thought was funny.
Maybe one day, they'll actually show you what's funny, too, they
think is funny too, even though they may think that you're like,
won't really get it.
But you're actually may enjoy the same silly, whatever, or the same
meme that you enjoy to the point of sharing, turning it into
something that's actually not isolated. Not, you know, not in
isolation. And I also want to say here, because I have to make sure
to say here in the part that is in a more serious, and I'll end with
this. Things that become more serious. When people feel that
either they, their family members or their loved ones are going
through some amount of stress, or anxiety that isn't easily
solvable. By just talking you do all the things that the
documentary said all the things, all three of us up here said, You
talk you're trying you're you know, you're being very, you're
being supportive, but it's just still not working. This is when we
all have to be kind of very humble, and say, Maybe I need some
extra help. Right. And this is why we decided to close the huddle
centers decided to co sponsor this event, because that is called
professional help. These are folks who know how to speak even to the
person who thinks nobody can get through to them. professional
trained therapists can get through to them, right? So what I mean to
say a child, so what I mean to say is, you know, reach out for that
help reach out with your family member for that help seek
assistance where assistance is offered, because I really do think
you'll see a difference in the dynamics in your own household
inshallah. I'm gonna pass off over the mic to Chef Rami and then
we'll pick up from your q&a Cuz you guys have some great questions
here in Shelburne.
I want to start with a story one time I was traveling in the desert
in Mauritania we were in a Toyota truck which is what I've seen what
the Toyota's can do in the Sahara Desert.
I'm a toilet a
customer for life. And they didn't pay me Toyota didn't pay me to say
this here at MCC, it's probably not even appropriate to advertise
a company in my ship. And in case we were in the we were in the
truck, it's got two seats. But of course, three people are sitting
there because you know how we do it in the other parts of the
world, this car is made for five, and they put 10 people in it. But
we're in the truck. And so the driver and he's we're going
through the desert, he's telling me all these desert tales about
one time how he and some others got some hyenas that were hurting
a village and he went into the cave, and he's telling me all
these amazing desert stories, then when we finally get to the place
where you can actually get reception on your phone, he made a
phone call, and then he put the phone down. And this is where I
still remember exactly how he was holding the phone. This was before
the smartphones to the Nokia, anybody remember Nokia? Yeah. So
he, he said, had a lot of Nirma like, these phones are a blessing
look, I can call my family and you know, and he was just so happy
with saying these are a blessing. And so that's what I want us to
think about, you know, these screens, these, whether it's a
computer whether it's a button on the wall, these are a blessing.
And for us, we have to take care of blessings and we know that
blessings can be used in two ways it can be used for crave can be
used for goodness, and it can be used for shopping it can be used
for evil, the same exact blessing. So we have to train ourselves how
to accept these blessings from Alana Dr. Rania mentioned, they're
not going away. A car is a blessing could be used for good or
evil. A phone as a blessing could be used for good or evil. How are
we going to control our neffs control ourselves and be able to
use this blessing for the sake of Allah because if we don't use this
the blessing for the sake of Allah it's it's a type of Kufa it's a
type of dis
a rejection of the of the blessings of Allah and we hear and
sort of ramen Febi a yalla Arabic Romantika demand which of the
Blessings of your Lord Do you deny? Meaning which of the ones do
you not fulfill the rights of? So how do we control our neffs when
we look at the the prophets of Allah and it was send them in a
very famous Hadith he said that the strong person is not the one
who can win in a wrestling competition, the strong person is
the one who can what
can crook control their anger, right control their anger. So even
Anger is an emotion that could be used for good and it could be used
for evil. And we have the wrestling mat set up over there at
the boys colada. They're doing wrestling, and I'm the Lead good
to learn wrestling Sharla. Once we moved to the gym, we got the
wrestling match. So maybe that I'm a girl's Holika you guys can do
some wrestling and some martial arts. On the mats, we'll leave the
mats there.
But it's not about being being strong in wrestling or
competition. It's about being when that blessing is placed in your
hand. Can you control it? And so if we take from that hadith, the
Prophet sallallahu, I didn't send them telling us that control
yourself, how are we going to control the blessings? And then
for us as the parents, how are we going to model that? If we're
stuck to our phones the whole time, or stuck to our computers?
What are we teaching those around us? Are we teaching them that we
can control ourselves. And also one of the things that they
mentioned in the documentary, The documentary was about teaching
emotional language, being able to express yourself, because we have
feelings in the heart, things that are occurring in our heart, and
then it becomes expressed on the tongue. But if we don't have the
language to be able to express those, then how can we even let
another person know how we feel? Sometimes a person might feel
down, and they're like, how do you feel? I feel blah. Anybody ever
heard somebody say that? Raise your hand if you say that, like
I'm just feeling blah? Well, how is somebody going to know what
feeling blah means? So you need to increase your emotional
vocabulary. And it was really refreshing to me to see in the
documentary how at that high school, they were actually they
have that in the club in the mental health club, which would be
nice here at MCC, maybe Khalil center could do that to have a
mental club here at the masjid and to train people how to help us
communicate and express our language so that when we're
speaking with our parents, when we're speaking with our siblings,
we can we can have that. So these phones can help us do that.
There's a lot of tools, you know, instead of just looking up and
kind of when we're feeling stressed out at the end of the day
for the parents, what do we do, at least on the men's side, we go
check the news, right? Just start scrolling through the headlines or
scrolling through our whatever feed it is that we're on. But we
could also use these phones to look up tools that can help us
control ourselves control our emotions, that give given words
and language to our emotions.
One of the one of the things they also mentioned there is that in
the schools, they were bringing that into the English class, right
So you can have these lessons where you're bringing them into
the schools. And it's nice that they're doing it there. But you
can also bring them into our home. So as the parents, you can grab
the phones, grab the computers, and there are so many websites, so
many resources. And we can use these blessings and show our kids
that, hey, you don't, we're not going to give up the phones. We're
going to use this for good. One of the things that one of the
counselors here on the boys Harlock. I mentioned to me at the
middle school, boys. They were some of the counselors were
mentioning videos, and a lot of the boys had Oh, yeah, I saw that
video. Like it's if it's a speaker talking about a certain a certain
a certain idea. They've seen it. So they, they're using these
phones to look up good things. And so that's a skill that we can help
our children learn. And we have to learn ourself as well. And
not just use the phone as a coping mechanism. So if we're feeling
stressed out, if we're feeling angry, if we need validation, that
we go to the phones that we're not using it as a as an unhealthy
coping mechanism, we're also we're actually using it as a as a
healthy coping mechanism. And I'll just end it with two things. One
of the things is as parents, well as all of us, once we take these
blessings, we have to establish boundaries. And this concept is
mentioned in the Quran. It's called the hoodoo. And I'm not
talking about the produce of like, you know, off with the hands are
good. I'm talking about the produce that ALLAH SubhanA, WA,
tada, places around things. This is Hello, this is haram. And Allah
tells us that we have to respect the boundaries, the hoodoo that
Allah has placed. And so in our life, we also have to place
boundaries, we might have a boundary in our phone, no phones
at the table, right? No phones, no screens at the table. And the data
and mom might say, well, I got these emails or these texts, the
response No, no phones at the table. No phones in the bedroom.
No phones upstairs. Some people have and every family is going to
do something different. I know one family says they don't have any
phone, no screens upstairs. One person said no screens after 5pm.
And every family is going to be different. One of the questions
How can we start establishing these boundaries, every family is
going to have to find out what boundaries we use because these
are these are blessings that are part of our lives. They've opened
up how many educational opportunities now homeschooling is
a completely different experience because we have the screens. Now
reach and listening to lectures of teachers from across the world is
a completely different experience. We can look up manuscripts I can
we can pull up manuscripts, handwritten manuscripts from the
Muslim tradition that are over 1000 years old, from us have a
university from Medina University, from universities all across the
world right here, the world is in our hands. And it could be a good
a good world. And it could be a not so good world. So that's what
we have to be cognizant of as parents
and help ourselves establish those boundaries, and then also help our
children establish the boundaries. Again, I don't want to take too
much time, because we have a lot of questions. I'll start with this
one. How do I talk to my spouse or parents about how the phone and TV
are affecting our lives negatively? I like about this
question. This is my spouse or parents. So they're not talking
about kids? They're talking about the whole family. So we as a
family, this has to be a family effort? How are we going to manage
this blessing? Is it just a quick survey? How many people when they
came to watch his documentary thought that the documentary was
going to be about don't use your phones, get rid of the phones, put
your phones away? Just raise a raise of hands? Okay, so it was a
good I actually thought that too. They're gonna say our phones are
bad, get rid of them reduce the time? Is that what they were
showing there? No, they were showing us how we should be using
them for for good. So how do we talk to the spouse or about how
the phones are affecting our lives negatively? The first thing I
would say is bring that conversation up, start that
conversation, people might be resistant to that. And these
phones, you can learn a lot of tips on how to bring up a
conversation to somebody that's resistant to something. Is there a
balance that removes screens from our lives entirely? I don't think
so. And you had mentioned about the cars, we're not going to get
rid of cars, we're not going to get rid of electricity unless PGE
starts playing around with us again, right.
Which we should break up that monopoly.
And can I be Can I so I don't think it's going to it's not going
to be removed from our lives. So we have to learn how to bring it
into our lives in a healthy manner. Can I be healthy without a
smartphone? I think so. But there's like, Just a show of hands
for people who work from home. How many people take the take the
opportunity to work from home.
Now when we work from home, we can also have more time with our
families. Doesn't this give us a lot of flexibility? So we can go
out if our kid says oh, there's a program on Monday at the such and
such Museum. Okay, I'm going to work a little bit in the morning.
I'm going to answer a few emails along the way if I'm not driving,
and afterwards, you know, it gives us some flexibility. So there's
there's some
blessings that can come out of this. But I don't think, you know,
there's there's one answer. Can I be healthy without a smartphone? I
think it's very possible. I know people who don't have smartphones.
I know what email I'm on the East Coast, he has a flip phone. And he
just he says, I just don't want to, I don't want the headache of
having to manage that.
And so some people can do that. Many people think emotions are a
weakness and rational thinking is more important. How do we balance?
Oh, this will actually what I wanted to end on.
What I would say to that is there's a great book, and the
author just sent us some copies so we could send labor to some of our
students in prison. It's called the moral and emotional
intelligence of Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. And
so one of the things they mentioned here is about
our emotional intelligence and our ability to talk about our emotions
and have words for emotions. And then there's even IQ like they
have intelligence quotient. quotient is a quotient, EQ
quotient equal, they have intelligence quotient, where they,
you know, test you cognitively which the majority of our
schooling system is to increase that increase your intelligence.
But there's also an emotional quotient. There's tests to see
how, how articulate we are in a baby being able to express our
feelings. And so this young brother who became Muslim at 18,
memorize the Quran within a year, then studied Hadith and Quran and
Azharuddin, cerium came back, he's an alum Institute right now, Chef
Mikhail Smith, he wrote this book, as he said, If this is a type of
intelligence, emotional intelligence, and we know the
Messenger of Allah salAllahu Alaihe Salam is the best at
everything, including wrestling, he beat the champion wrestler in
his time, three times in a row. He's the best, he said, then if
emotional intelligence is a thing, then the Prophet sallallahu alayhi
wa sallam has to be the most emotionally intelligent and
morally intelligent. So he reread the Sierra and the Hadith
literature to look at that. And he wrote this amazing book, it's
available out now, again, I'm not getting any royalties for that.
But it's a good book to have. So I think people say emotions are a
weakness. If you look at the province of law, I just sent him
he gave us language to talk about our emotions. And as it mentioned
in there in the video, very interesting, and let's just see,
here's a pop quiz. When a person's heartbeat gets to what level they
stopped being able to listen, how many beats per minute
100 So what did the Messenger of Allah salAllahu Salam tell us to
do when we become angry?
If you're standing, come on, say loud, sit down. And if you're if
you're sitting down, lay down, and what else make will do go take a
break what she said in there, like the top research and evidence
based preachers go take a break. 1400 years ago, our Prophet
sallallahu sallam was teaching us how to deal with our emotions,
giving us language for our emotions. So he is the leader of
that and we should,
we should look to that as our model. Last one on this there was
four as our, our our emotions, something we should share with
others, or just focus and talk with Allah, definitely, we should
share that and focus them. If you look at the seat of the Prophet,
so Lorenson him shared with his wife shared with the Sahaba asked
his Sahaba about how they were doing. And sometimes like one
time, so you only got them, Allah was who he is, some the Prophet
asked him, How are you doing? And usually, some people would say,
No, I'm gonna have he said this. He said, I'm having a really bad
time. Let's talk about.
Let's talk about it. Michelle, I think you should probably, we have
some wonderful other questions, we're likely to, obviously be able
to get to all of them, but let's consolidate some of them because
some of them here actually overlap. So instead of Jose and I
are going to try to take some of these others, first of which is,
since we're talking about anger, and feeling, you know, kind of
your there is a question here coming up about how dangerous is
it for a parent to yell and get into a yelling competition with
their child from both a psychiatric perspectives and
Islamic perspective? Great question. And the reality is, I
mean, we just talked about that 100 beats per minute, you can no
longer
think rationally, you cannot hear the person in front of you. So
when you are getting in a yelling, competition and match, there is no
way that anything is getting across on either side. Right? And
it's only normal that things escalate and escalate. That's kind
of a normal thing, especially with people you're most familiar with,
which tends to be family, right? More than more than not. But what
I want to say here is that from a psychiatric perspective, since
that was the question, it's not a useful exercise. And I'm not going
to repeat of course, the Hadith because we have the best of
examples from the prophets of the law to send them of how to break
that cycle of yelling. I do want to say something else to on that,
that for some people, their family background for whoever they were
raised. That was a very normal thing.
People young voices are raised. And people will say things that's
my family, or that's my culture. However, that is not actually an
accurate enough of an answer to just fall back on that excuse.
These are things and habits that need to be changed and can
actually be changed from an Islamic perspective. And Jeff
Rodman can add in here as well, but the idea of speaking and using
our tongues, and what it is we say, with our tongues, there's an
entire book and texts that we study on Muhammad Mossad, or the
prohibitions of the tongue, the things that cannot and should not
be said. So one of the ladies in the documentary here, she actually
said, this comment that when you say to your kid, you are stubborn,
you are lazy, I think the word she used was lazy, right. And you keep
on saying that it becomes internalized after the while, and
the kid says, Well, I'm lazy. That's what mom always says, Dad
always says, instead, she said, find the words that you actually
want your child to be, and keep saying those words over and over
again until they become internalized. Because when you
actually say to them things about how incredibly intuitive they are,
and how kind they are, how generous they are, how thoughtful
they were, these are things that are eventually internalized. And
when they're on their own, they actually become their own. Right,
it becomes how they identify themselves. So just remember that
too, because it's not just about raising voices. It's also what is
said, when the voices are being raised. I hope that helps.
A lot of again, great questions, and we're just gonna get to a
couple of them that kind of fall into the same theme here, as far
as you know, helping your child learn how to balance and reduce
the use of their phones. This goes back to what we were saying
earlier, you know, having these conversations about self
regulation and the importance of not indulging too much that
anytime you give into anything where it's an excess, it's harmful
to you. So you know, I think it's important to establish that trust
that when your parents for the teens here, for example, again,
I'll just ask you directly, how many of you here truly believe
that your parents, when they tell you something, even if you don't
like it, that they really do come from a place of love? How many of
you believe that? Okay, right, handed it down. And I say, I asked
that, because I really think it's an important reminder, sometimes
we hear the tone, and we hear the know, and you know, don't do this
or not, it's too much. And we forget that where are they coming
from? You know, for you teens, you have to remember your parents were
once teens to I was once a team, we were all teens, we know the
world out there, we know that it's crazy. We know that there's
dangers there that you're not maybe aware of. And so when those
restrictions are placed on you, you have to know where it's coming
from. And sometimes, you know, you might think, oh, here it goes. My
parents are so mean, they're restrictive. I wish they were just
let up a little bit there being too hard. That's all was was like
from a spiritual perspective that's shaped on because he would
love nothing more than to turn your parents into the enemy.
Right? That's what he wants to do. He wants you to look to your
parents as being this force in your life that just stands in your
way. It's a constant wall, it's an obstacle. They're always there to
tell you no, no, no, don't do that. Don't do this. But when you
really look past that, and say, Why? Why would they not want me to
do something and look to the NEA and the intention and the fact
that and I say this with all sincerity. There is nobody on the
planet, I don't care how big your friends are. I don't care how many
followers you have on your Instagram or your Facebook, I
don't think you guys are even on Facebook, nevermind, on Twitter,
whatever you're on, there are no amount of people that they got
together, that would have your best interests in mind as your
parents do. Okay, Inshallah, let's hope. So you have to believe that
if your parents are telling you not to do something, or that
that's too much, that they're coming from a place of absolute
concern. And for your well being, they have been with you from the
beginning. They brought you into the world and took care of you
every single day for your life. So don't get ahead of yourself and
think, Hey, I know the world now. And I just want to have full
access to it. And I want to be able to do whatever I want to do.
And they just need to get out of my way. That's not how it works.
How it works is, hey, I'm changing. I'm not a kid anymore.
Mom, dad, as you can tell, I'm growing. And I need a little bit
more freedom from you. So let's just work together. But not to get
into these, you know, dynamics where it's just all or none and
black and white and you're the enemy and you're standing in my
way. That's all unfortunately a byproduct of the culture we live
in that teaches kids from a very young age to undermine parental
authority. You look it in your cartoons you look it on the shows
you look in the films, parents are always the fumbling idiots. They
have no idea what's going on.
The authorities in school are always clueless, this is not
right. And you have as a teen have to realize that message is very
toxic. Because especially when it comes to your parents, trust me,
when you fast forward down the line, when you have a debt that
you can't get out of, and you have a, God forbid, a crisis that
happens to you, the first person you're going to think to call his
mom and dad, you're not going to think to call best friend, so and
so investment and so and so. So you want to remember to not, you
know, distort the image that your parents should have, which is they
love me, nobody looks after me, or looks looks out for me, like my
parents do. And even if I don't like what they say, I have to
respect it. So from the teen side, if you're pushing and pushing and
expecting, you know, to get everything you want from your
parents, and then you manipulate them emotionally and make them
feel bad, stop it. Stop it. I'm saying that to all of you don't do
that. And from the parents side, learn to be more respectful
towards your teams. Because this again, reiterating what we said
earlier, when there's no conversation at all, and you shut
down the conversation, and you're too busy and too distracted with
your own world, you are not getting through to them, you're
making things worse, put everything away, look at them in
the eye, get to know your teams I've heard from so many teams will
love hate that my parents don't know anything about me. They don't
know my interest in all my lights. They don't know my friends, they
don't like they don't know the music. I like my favorite colors,
my favorite films, they don't nothing. But then when as soon as
it comes down to the restrictive language, oh, it's like, let's
have conversations until the, you know, until midnight, about why
you can't do this. And when you can't do that, that is wrong. If
your conversations are not, you know, open and you're not really
getting to know your team, you should know as a parent, by the
way, that before adolescents you have more control and influence
over them. But as soon as adolescence kicks in, their peer
group has more influence over them. So how do you maintain any
line of communication with them, if you're already up against an
obstacle right there that their peer group is going to overshadow
your authority, it's not going to help you if you're just yelling at
them and telling them not to do things and slamming doors and
taking things away. That's not going to help You're making it
worse. So open conversations and just tell them why you don't want
them to be on their phone, why you shouldn't think they shouldn't
take into the bathroom. This note says, you know, I want to help my
team know, to not be excessive with their use of their their
devices. How do I do that? Well have a conversation, tell them you
know, it's not right, you're the bathroom is a space for a
particular thing that you do. We have angels in there go from the
spiritual angle, you're not supposed to talk on the phone,
you're not supposed to use me to talk to anybody, not just on the
phone you're not supposed to do they're supposed to communicate in
the bathroom, because it's a place for a deed and you leave and you
should get out as you know, what's your finish? What is this taking
the phone in their business, right, but have conversations like
that, and then talk to them about, you know, moderation and the
importance of moderating, again, from a spiritual angle. And just
so the last point I want to make for the parents, if you think you
know, sending your kids to school or dropping them off to a Sunday
school, and you have all these other adults and all these other
influencers, helping raise your children is kind of okay, because
that's all that you have, you can do. And, and you don't realize
that they need to supplement all of that, because a lot of it is
out of your control, you don't know what they're exposed to at
school, even in Sunday school, you have no idea what your kids are
exposed to, it's so important to strike a balance and say, for X
amount of hours, I don't talk to my kids, I don't know what's going
on. I don't know who they're talking to what they're learning,
I have to fill in the time that I have with them by connection and
talking. So please like when you're with them at the dinner
table, as Dr. Enya said or for me, when you're with them in those
spaces where you're actually with them physically. Please don't
waste that time. Oh my God, that's like a horrible squandering
valuable time that you have to actually get to know what is going
on with them. But if you're thinking, oh, you know, I'm just,
I'm being a good parent. I'm educating them. I'm sending them
here. I'm paying for this class, I'm paying for that. You know, I
got my, you know, my stripes as a parent. That's not enough. In the
teen years, you actually it's recommended that you befriend
them, you we wouldn't treat our friends that way. who treats their
friends that way where you're not even talking to them, and you're
distracted. When we're with our friends. We are with our friends.
And the advice is to treat your teens as your friends. So be with
them, talk to them, get to know them and you will see the demand
dynamics in your family shift. But if you think I'm just doing the
basic bare minimum and doing this and doing that and outsourcing and
outsourcing, and I'm a good cook and I do this and that's enough
and there's no conversation. You're this is this is what's
going
to happen, you're gonna have all these issues. And may God protect
you from that. So
I feel amazing advice. So in our in these last couple of minutes
where we're going to end, what I'm going to do is summarize the five
key takeaway points from this conversation. Inshallah. So I hope
you received a lot of wonderful information from the documentary
and also from the discussion and also your questions that were very
insightful. But let's recap, just so we're all walking away with
some very key points. Inshallah. Number one,
individualize your approach. So for the parents in the room, you
know, that having children, especially if you have more than
one, that every child is so different, same set of parents,
potentially same household, completely different
personalities, and completely different ways in which you deal
with each one, and each one responds to you. Right? We know
that as parents, there's no difference in relation to social
media and screen time, either. It's the same thing. So where, you
know, you might have to deal kind of tailor something for one child
realize that that's also going to fall, it would be really realistic
here, too. So individualizing, your approach, number two, is
always checking in about what's going on, right, having that open
line of communication as much as possible. Right. And so does that
mean that sometimes you'll actually text with your teen?
Potentially, but preferably, there's also the actual
conversation that's happening. And like I said, I will say said, you
know, just like you would talk to your friend, when your friend is
talking to you, you look them in the eye, you're actually having a
conversation back and forth. It's not distracted. So you're not
looking at your laptop or your phone and trying to answer
questions. It's actually putting the whole thing down, and actually
looking at saying, Yes, what is it? Do you need? Or let's talk?
Right? So having that brings us to number three of the takeaway
points, is setting your family rules. So what does that mean, in
your family? Does that mean nobody is on screens after 9pm? Does that
mean the Wi Fi is shut off after a certain hour? Does that mean, for
example, that you are saying that there are certain weekend times
that are screened free for the entire family? Or maybe doesn't
mean that you're going to do the other method, which I said, you
know, kind of making it creative? So shoot, you know, instead of you
watching, you know, whatever, show and sometimes, interestingly
enough, I'll find that the same family members are watching the
same shows.
You each have their own room.
Right? And it's like, and sometimes these are actually very
interesting things and things that you can really have serious, deep
conversations about. But there that's those are lost
opportunities altogether, right. So if you're going to share
something, you actually take the screen time and actually make it
into family time, make it actually something productive, potentially.
And I always say get out in nature, have some hikes, take some
camps, unplug as much as possible, because honestly, this is another
favorite topic of mine, which we get to and I feel like people only
talk about Ramadan, when they talk about the idea of Africa, or the
huduma of being completely spiritual isolation, right? We are
spiritually deprived people in this modern digital world, we need
to disconnect and we need to become more spiritually attune.
Whether that means sitting in your attic calf space in the masjid or
for the woman in their home, potentially, or just get out into
a high income in your in the Bay Area, California. Mashallah. I
mean, it does not get better than that in terms of weather and the
ability to go out there almost every day of the year. Lastly, do
we said that was number four, right? So number five, then is
setting those expectations, social media expectations with your
family. And part of that is good role modeling. So I'm ending where
I started, which is really the good role modeling that has to
happen with the parents first. Because even if you say to
yourself, well, I don't have any teenagers, my kids are three and
five and seven, they don't have phones, they're not going to get
phones for a while, they're still watching what you're doing with
the laptop and the phone, right? And how much you're plugged in and
how distracted you are with them. That cues them in as to what what
is actually important, and what's not. Right. So just keep those
five kind of steps in mind. And I hope there's really practical
takeaway lessons from that. And of course, we're always happy to
communicate. And last but not least, if professional help is
needed, because you've tried all those things, and you're still
having some of the things I came up here of I still can't get
through. There's too much stress and anxiety. It may be time for
professional help and care and I hope inshallah we can provide that
for you or give you good referrals to that medical people for coming
this evening. I hope it was useful. May Allah subhanaw taala
bless us and you and the families in have our homes all of the homes
of peace and tranquility, and make it a place Allah where we are all
able to nurture and be nurtured and a place where our houses are
really homes of love, and homes that are like magnets, where every
family member that leaves that house actually wants to come back
as quickly as possible into that hole because of that peaceful,
tranquil place that
There was a little while Hamatos even mo him that's why the
audiophile salon set out on April Mohammed Allah him but I got some
Oh, I forgot the survey sorry. Up on the screen there is a code here
this is the audio center survey, please guys one minute it just
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and to use your screen it only take a minute and show love please
do give us some feedback. It's very helpful to figure out how to
what we can best assist all of you and inshallah medical ethical,
said Amata co Rahmatullah.