Hosai Mojaddidi – Raising Children Dignity, Devotion & Deen Parenting Workshop (Part 5)
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The speakers stress the importance of understanding oneself and their children in order to be effective in parenting. They recommend learning about social media and the role of parents in protecting children from harm, as well as learning about parenting and being a good leader. The drive is a magic number, and the number that corresponds to it is a magic number. The number is a combination of magic numbers, and the success of parenting depends on the number.
AI: Summary ©
This may learn you more
often the better him. Al hamdu lillah wa Salatu was Salam ala I
should have an MBA will more studying, say, than our Mowlana?
How have you been a Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa salam, why
that he was I was having a sudden this lemon Katie. And I said, I
want to, first of all, welcome, everybody. Thank you for joining
us. This is our fifth and final session for these parenting
workshops that we've been doing. The other four are available
online, on the MCC Facebook page and on their YouTube page, you can
access those installs, just by going I think, to the left bar
videos, and there's a whole library actually have all their
videos there. So if you wanted to kind of catch up, you can watch
those there. So I usually start out with going over the last
session just doing a quick review, because I want everybody to follow
along from what was discussed in the previous sessions. So we'll
just go through a review. And then we'll talk about today's session
in shot law. And just for those of you who are new here, I really
want audience participation and engagement. So if you have
questions, at any point, comments, please feel free to jump in. It's
supposed to be a dialogue.
Inshallah, with that said,
um, we started off actually started the outline here, we
talked last time about leadership basics in Islam, that's actually
been something we've been talking about from the beginning, from the
very first session on, I keep reminding people of that, because
we referenced that. But then we specifically talked about
identifying risks and dangers, in terms of you know, parenting and
what potential problems we might come across as parents with our
kids. So we really focused on that for the, for the last session.
So just to review the leadership basics, we talked about the
importance, first and foremost of parents knowing themselves well,
you know, parenting, often I think is, is understood as a focus on
the child's behavior. And you know, and that's where people
usually concentrate, but you actually really do have to start
with yourself. And that's a constant theme that we brought up
time and time again, in these sessions, the importance of
parents to do exactly what we're doing here, which is really
talking about, first what we need to do for ourselves in order to be
effective in our parenting style. So we have to understand ourselves
well understand our own needs, then you understand the needs are
those in your care and the needs of those in your care. So you have
to understand your children, you have to understand your spouse,
you have to understand everybody in your household and their needs.
If that's the starting point, then you have to understand obviously,
the potential dangers and threats, and then take preventative
measures, right of how to protect your household. And you have to
also know when to seek counsel. Okay, this is a big problem in our
community, unfortunately, a lot of people, they suffer in silence,
and they often tend to try to figure things out on their own.
And sometimes the problem just gets too big for them. And then
they are overwhelmed. And you know, it's almost like, you know,
major, you know, damage control where they're trying to reach out
at that point to someone. And it's sometimes it really is too far.
And so you have to really know when to seek counsel. And then of
course, to rely on a law somehow that I just submit to his wall,
these are the things that every parent needs, if they want to be
effective. We talked, especially this last point a lot throughout
the series about the mindset, which we'll get to inshallah soon,
about submitting to the fact that we cannot control outcomes, we
just simply cannot. And if you start off your parenting with that
mindset, really clear, it's a lot healthier than thinking that by
your good intentions, and all of your good efforts and everything
that you do, you can control what's going to happen in your
household and with your children. This is not correct, we just
simply can't control that. And there's plenty of you know,
examples in history of prophets of saints of people who obviously put
in every effort to to do the best by their children, but their
children turned out and not like the way they wanted to. So we have
to accept that that Allah's pattern is the only one who
determines outcomes. So all we have to focus on is what we can
control which are our actions and our reactions. So those are the
two things that if we focus on in sha Allah, it will make for more
effective parenting. Okay, so the the dangers and threats that we
identified last time,
we'll just go ahead and jump right into it are from a spiritual
angle, obviously we're going to approach it first from there
because that is the most fundamental place to start from
shaitan and knifes. These are two threats that every single one of
us not just our children have to face every single day and we have
to be very well versed in what what
was mean, what does it mean to to have shaitan as a threat or your
knifes as a threat? So this language we have to introduce into
our households is, you know, as soon as possible or when the age,
you know, when it's appropriate, you know, young children should
not be introduced to concepts of, you know, shaytaan or hellfire,
you know, those things are not ready when they're two, three
years old. You don't need to scare children into obedience, you know,
don't that's, that's a real big mistake, unfortunately, that I've
seen in a lot of
examples. So but you do want to introduce that concept when it's
time and really identify how shaytaan works, right? How does he
threatened us? What are his what powers does he have and what Where
are his limitations, and then your own knifes, to be able to
distinguish, for example, what is something that shaytaan inspires
versus something that the knifes inspires? This is a big thing that
a lot of people don't know? Because we are very easy on
ourselves, right? We often scapegoat shaytaan for pretty much
everything, right? When we falter and we make mistakes. It's like,
you know, shaitan made me do it. And children can sometimes fall
into that trap, too. But we have to be able to distinguish what
isn't, what is something that you can legitimately say okay, it was
definitely what was said you fell into a trap? Or it was your own
knifes, who knows? What's the answer? How do you distinguish?
What's the shape? onic? Thought or satanic inspired action? And what
emanates from your own weak, bad habits and knifes?
How do you distinguish? Anybody? No?
Very good. Mashallah, yes. And then shaytaan is the opposite,
right? So your knifes, it habituates To bad behavior. So if
you've been doing the same thing over and over again, you cannot
blame shape on for that right? years, you've been falling into
the same pattern pathology behavior, you can't blame it on.
But whenever you escalate in something like you do something
that's worse than you've done before, then that was likely one
of the traps right that you fell into. So it's important to know
that and to teach your children that and we'll get to a few more
specifics. But then another, you know, a bad company, this is a big
issue that we as parents have to feel really confident and in solid
about in terms of making sure that our children have good company, I
think there's this attitude, and maybe it's a Western thing about,
you know, especially when your teens get to I mean, your children
get to the teenage years, a lot of parents worry so much about losing
their children, that they want to be their best friend and let them
do everything and anything, and then often includes allowing their
children to have friends who are, you know, maybe not the best
company? Because they're afraid that oh, if I don't, if I put too
many boundaries, or you know, or, you know, conditions that I'm
gonna get resent, you know, does that make back and maybe, you
know, there will cause problems. But if you start from a very early
age monitoring, and being very well aware who your children's
influencers are, it's going to help you and why I say that is
because parents need to understand prior to the adolescent age, we
have the most influence over our children, generally speaking,
parents are the main influencers. But as soon as they hit the
adolescent age, it completely switches and friends actually end
up having a lot more influence over children. So if you're not,
you know, if you have no idea who they talk to at school, because
you drop them off, and you pick them up, and they you know, you
usually with children anyway, especially when they hit those
preteen years, they don't really offer a lot of information, right?
You ask them a question, and it's like one word response. So if
you're just kind of like, okay, well, I guess that's all I'm gonna
get. And you let it go from that perspective, and you have no clue
who they spend their time with at school. I mean, we're talking
about eight hours sometimes. And if they have, after school
programs, maybe 10 hours of their day, who are they spending it
with? And what are they teaching them? What are they learning from
them? Are they exposing them to things that you don't want them
exposed to, and a lot of times, especially now, with these
devices, this is very common. Children learn a lot from this.
And I think I mean, I did a workshop yesterday, too, but I was
mentioning that I truly believe this is more dangerous than a
vehicle. Okay. And if we take if we consider how much preparation
we take to, you know, get our kids behind the wheel and how much
effort we put, we get them you know, trained to make sure we I
mean, parents freak out, right, as soon as those years the 1516 year
old, you know, years, those years come parents kind of get a little
anxious, because it's like, oh, no, I have to let them move an
operating vehicle. And so there's a lot of preparation right
beforehand. And even then it's hard to just let go and just
completely but so many parents are willing to give their kids this
without any monitoring at all. And just kind of like oh they begged
for the a wine for they ask for it. I don't want them to be upset
with me. So here you go on your 12th 13th birthday. Here you go.
stuff a lot of big mistake. But aside from that, even
exposure. You know, at school, every single child has a cell
phone now that it's like you cannot escape it. So if you don't
know, the children that you're, you know, the children that your
children are hanging around with and whether or not they have these
devices. And what they're looking at, this is also a gamble. So
that's why it's very important to be very connected from at a very
early age, and have these conversations openly know exactly
who your children's best friends are. Know them, who are they who
are their parents, let me talk to them, take the time to meet them,
if you want to invite them over, especially if they're really close
friends, invite them to your home, seek them out during you know,
school events, go and gauge, you know who they are, but the company
that our children, you know, subhanAllah This is, I think,
probably an area that a lot of parents just don't seem to focus
on. And then they wonder why their kids have learned to lie, to
deceive, to do all these things, when they're like, this is just
not what we you know, we've never allowed this behavior, where are
they learning this from? Likely from the their friends, so huge
threat media and pop culture, obviously, we're bombarded with
this everywhere we go, but especially teens, and that's, you
know, it's that's always been the way that way I think even our
generation, most of us, I'm sure can relate to the time when we
were also, you know, caught up in the pop culture media scene, but
we should know who these influencers is, word has become
very popular with social media, but it's a term that we should be
very familiar with, because there are people who are influencing our
children. And they are, you know, whether they're pop icons,
celebrities, athletes, whoever they are, if you see that your
child has a preoccupation with a certain person, a singer, an
actor, an athlete, you should know more about those people than your
children, and be well versed in theirs, you know, you can go look
up anybody now Wikipedia is a huge resource, know about them, so that
you can, you know, if there's certain behaviors that your kid
wants to fall fall into, like I had a parent recently talked to me
about, you know, their child getting into the golf scene. And,
you know, and she was really torn about this, because he just
completely changed, he went away to school. And he's now dressed in
all black and wants to wear studs around his ankles and neck, and
earrings and possibly tattoos. And she's just like, I don't we've,
there's nobody in our family that even has anything anywhere near
that, what do I do. And so, you know, we talked about the
importance of actually understanding that culture, being
literate in what it means to be a golf and, and not as a, you know,
just to be informed so that when topics come up, what teens do
oftentimes is they think that we don't know anything, that we're so
disconnected. So we discredit ourselves when we don't understand
their world, right. And we don't understand the world that they're
exposed to, we discredit ourselves, because they're not
gonna think they're not going to want to listen to anything, we
have to say if they don't, if they think that we don't know about
their world, and about anything that they find important. So it's
important to be ahead of them. And this is going back to the very
first, you know, workshop we did, we talked about the Hadith, right
on our Kulu camera and Oklahoma's Odin anre Yeti, every one of you
is a shepherd, and is responsible for those under your care or your
flock. This is a huge, you know, Hadith that we should all be very
familiar with. But it's a hadith that really talks about, you know,
the the role of, you know, the responsibility that we all have.
And for parenting, it's ideal, because the analogy of a shepherd
really makes sense. When you think of a shepherd, they're always
ahead of the flock, they protect the flock, right? They know, the
dangers before the flock has any idea that there's dangers. So we
have to, that's the role that we fill, we have to be the shepherd.
So that's part of understanding these things. And so you have to
look in to where your kids are preoccupied with the singers or
whatever it is that they're caught up. And then internet and social
media, same thing. A lot of parents have no clue what their
kids are doing online, because they themselves don't care about
it. I've heard this time and time again. I'm not into social media,
I can't stand it, I hate it. Okay, that's good for you. But if your
kid is on it, and you don't know, how Instagram works, or about the
Explore page, you know, on Snapchat and Instagram, and that
is pretty much, you know, a portal for *. I mean, it really
is, because what they do, and this is how, you know, this is what we
should know about Instagram and Snapchat, especially Instagram,
from what I thought about things have changed, but whoever your
child is following, okay, so let's say your child has friends and
they're all you know, you've vetted them and you think, okay,
they're all good. It's all you know, friends and family, okay?
Nobody else it's a private account. So I've done all my, you
know, homework on this and I've given them in their account, they
can do Instagram, okay, that's fine. But did you know that the
Explore page on Instagram, they have, you know, I don't know
again, how it works, but it's somehow set up where the pages
that their friends or other people are following actually can come
onto your your Explore page
So it's not just what you're looking at, and what you're
interested in that you get that they, you know, put together. For
you, it's actually what other people are also looking at. And so
that's pretty scary if you think about it, because your child might
be like, okay, not into certain things. But if one, it just takes
one person that they are following, if they're looking at
inappropriate images, those somehow get, you know, again, put
onto your child's page, you should know these things. So knowing how
social media works, and what, you know, how protective measures you
can take what those are as a parent, whether it's in your own
home, or you know, or otherwise, but having a handle on that. So
these are, you know, how we again, can get some control, and then
societal pressures, expectations to conform, all that kind of, you
know, blends together. But, you know, we do have a lot of
expectations when it comes to gender roles, right, boys are
pressured into certain behaviors and things and girls are pressured
in certain things in behaviors, we should be well versed on that, and
then be able to have open dialogue with our kids about the dangers of
falling into those traps, where they feel like, for example, hyper
masculinity, you know, a lot of boys are pulled into that, you
know, that they have to be aggressive in their behavior, and
you know, it's all about, you know, just proving your manhood in
every single way. And if that means being disrespectful to
people, especially women, uh, well, you know, it's kind of
celebrated, unfortunately, in this culture. And then with women the
same way it's all about image, right, girls, young girls are
pressured into putting so much focus on their image. So these
things, again, we have to be well versed in, we have to be well read
in so that when we talk about these things with our children, we
actually sound like we know what we're talking about. And we're not
just, you know, complaining or putting arbitrary rules. And
without any context, context is very important for children, I
think this comes back to a point that we've made in previous
sessions to about respecting your children, especially when they hit
those teen years, respecting the fact that there are individuals
that they're going to, you know, eventually, completely separate
from you. And these are the beginning years of that process.
But if you talk down to them, if you talk at them, right, you're
not establishing, you know, this rapport of I respect that you have
your own mind. And I want to actually help you, because it's
my, I'm still your parent, it's still my job to help you, you
know, navigate this world. But if you don't have that rapport of
respect, and you just speak down to your kids, and, you know, the
authoritarian model, you know, there's a difference,
authoritative, and authoritarian models of parenting are very, very
different. Authoritarian is where it's just like, I'm gonna give you
the rules, and you're just gonna listen and obey. And you know,
we'll talk about this about how dangerous that is when you are
someone who just demands respect all the time. And that's your
tone. And that's where you parent versus authoritative, which is
commanding respect, right? You actually know what you're talking
about. You speak from a place of authority, you know, and and
knowledge and wisdom and you impart that onto your child.
That's that's more ideal. And that's more the Islamic model. Did
you have your hand raised brother I'm sorry. Yes, please.
Okay
yeah, yes.
Right.
Exactly.
Exactly.
Right.
Right.
Right.
Now, just like go ahead, and that's
very valuable advice. And I agree with everything, I think, you
know, yes. In addition to putting a certain apps like I think
there's net nanny, there's other ones they don't come to mind right
away. But there's a website that you can go to, I think it's called
Careful parent.com. And that kind of gives you all these different
tools and gives you some insight on how to, again, take protective
measures for your children when it comes to devices and other things
as well. But I agree 100% That, you know, being proactive, we
talked about that too, in previous sessions, being parenting, if it's
passive, you're just going to do what was done to you and kind of
not really put much effort into it. But innovative and proactive
parenting is actually thinking ahead. So the brothers idea about
actually using you know, if you're going to allow your child
I want your team to have, you know, a social media account to
actually help them follow individuals that are good
examples, you know, and there are mashallah, you know, I don't like
to make sweeping generalizations about anything. And so this isn't
a, you know, a total, you know, thing against social media there.
I'm myself, I'm on social media, so it'd be hypocritical for me to
say that, but there are positive people and influencers on social
media that are doing a lot of great work. So if you can help
your child identify those people, and then help them learn how to,
you know, follow those people, then obviously, you're you're
protecting Yes.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You're
gonna say no, five years?
That's a long, long.
Right.
All
right.
I can't find
everybody else. Exactly.
What is the actual age?
Right.
I agree. 100%.
Right. And I think
I think this question came up yesterday, too, I think the the
answer to that is being proactive, you cannot wait for your child to
go and be around cousins and friends. And then they come
running to and go Mommy, Mommy, can I have this device, you have
to establish that from the beginning, you are never going to
get a device until you are, whatever age you have. Because if
the child knows that ahead of time, then they they're not going
to come to start whining and complaining for it. It's only when
they think, ooh, I can maybe you know, negotiate this, because so
and so has it and you know, children learn over time, how to
manipulate us emotionally in their own ways, you know, and they'll
wait, you know, when we're in certain situations or states to do
that. But I think establishing rules ahead of time can remedy
that. And I'll use my own example. And with my children, I have 10,
and seven year old and hamdullah. From a very early age, I set
limits on media and social media, I mean, devices particular, they
do not ask for it Al Hamdulillah sugar lab, we're gonna actually
leads into the next part of the discussion. But why because I let
them know very clearly, our house our rules, I don't care what
anyone else is doing. Even your first cousins, even the people
that are closest to you, and you consider them like siblings.
That's not our house. That's not our rules, our rules, say, limits
on all devices all screen time. And especially with with your
owning a device. I mean, that's not that's not even up for
discussion. And when that this is authoritative parenting, you're
letting letting your children know with authority, that you that
discussion isn't open, and don't even bring it up so that it's not,
you don't have to wait for the knifes to respond because that's
what happens when they see their friends doing something and they
think everybody else is doing it, that is a very Nuptse reaction.
Because it's like I want want want, I want it I have to have it,
but you set the limit right away early that don't even you know,
just basically suppress that knifes because it ain't going to
happen, then hulless that's not a battle inshallah that you should
have to fight. So for example, you know, we talked about, and we'll
get actually get go ahead and move on to the next slide. self
regulation, this is one of the ways that we can help our children
what is self regulation? First of all, we have to understand this
term, all of us for ourselves, and then also for our children. self
regulation will go on to read is the ability to manage your
emotions and behavior in accordance with the demands of the
situation. It includes being able to resist highly emotional
reactions to upsetting stimuli, to calm yourself down when you get
upset, to adjust to a change in expectations and to handle
frustration without an outburst. It is a set of skills that enables
children as they mature, to direct their own behavior towards a goal,
despite the unpredictability of the world and our own feelings.
Okay. I mean, this is our objective, all of us, we should
all be working towards this process of self regulation. But as
parents we should especially be teaching our children how to self
regulate, and this is why as was mentioned in previous, you know,
sessions, when you tailor parenting per child, you will do
this effectively, one size fits model of parenting doesn't work,
okay? Every child is unique. Every child is special. They were
created with a certain disposition with certain temperament. And as
parents we have to in a multi child household, learn how to read
our children and how to communicate effectively with them
and to be able to take the time to teach them this skill set. And
that's why no
Knowing your child's temperament is a core aspect of self
regulation, which is explained here. Because temperament as we,
as we discussed in previous sessions is measured by how
reactive you are, and how long your reaction, the duration of
your reaction. Okay? Those are that's how those are the simple
it's a simple way of, of explaining what your temperament
is. So when it comes to emotional dysregulation, when you're not
self regulated, how does that what does it look like? For some kids,
it's instantaneous, okay? These are highly reactive children who
wind who fight, who get really upset, angry, start maybe punching
walls, maybe you have kids who are exhibit really, really, you know,
physically kind of scary and intimidating reactions, because
they've never learned the skill set. And then children, parents,
what happens to the parent, you know, if you feel like, Oh, my
God, my child's out of control, and all it takes is to quickly
give them what they want to calm them down. This is how they win,
right? And happens to parents all the time. It's probably one of the
things I've seen the most of parents acquiescing and
capitulating to a child's temper tantrum. And I'm not talking
toddlers, I'm talking like, you know, adolescence or even teens,
they learn this behavior. And because they, you know, are
emotionally kind of unstable and unhinged. The parent thinks, Oh,
my God, I've done something wrong, and I have to fix it. And then the
fixing is giving them what they want, which does not help them at
all, it actually increases the problem for them later down the
line. So we have to know that's not a solution. But for other
kids, it might be a build up where they are, you know, they shut
down. And we've seen this also with some kids who feel like they
aren't getting what they want from their parents, they learn to
withdraw. And so it's not an immediate emotional reaction. But
it's kind of like a pulling away from the parents. And some parents
feel also the same paranoia and anxiety over that, like, Oh, my
God, my child's pulling away, they're not talking to me as much.
They're not doing this as much. And so the same response, I better
just give them what they want. Because I want my friend back. I
want the jokey child that I had back. But this is all a result of
not teaching our children how to self regulate. So here's a quote
from the child MIND Institute, a child's innate capacities for self
regulation are temperament and personality based. Okay, some
babies and he was talking specifically about infants have
trouble self soothing, he adds and gets very distressed when you're
trying to pay them or put clothes or clothes on them. Those kids may
be more likely to experience trouble with emotional self
regulation when they're older, just to you know, kind of it
starts so early. If we don't look at our child's or children's
temperaments from even that stage. And I know, you know, well, it's
just an infant, though all babies cry. You see temperaments in the
same household, right? You'll see parents who go, oh, yeah, the
shadows so easy. So Oh, my God, mashallah had no problems. And
then this one was like this feisty and difficult. Even twins can
exhibit total different temperaments. And so it's so
important to be to understand your child's temperament.
previous sessions, we explained the importance of studying these
things
that God gave you. And that's a great book that really will help
you in your yourself. First of all, everything that we discussed
here, I always, you know, encourage parents to start on
themselves, and then to look at your spouses and your children,
but to study this, and then to realize that there are ways to
help your children to control themselves in your apps, honestly,
should be our objective, all of us. This is what we should want
that when we're not around, that we've done the job that where are
our children 100, I can self regulate. And I'll go back to my
previous example, children, because we've had this
Yeah, or I'm sorry, devices over and over again, they know now on
Hamdulillah, when they have read
in our household, we have a rule devices are only in certain
situations, long
road trip or somewhere, we'll allow that. And the other time is
on your mother Gemma. And it's for a limited time.
They and we try to give treats to our children and make positive
associations for them. And we know exactly what they're going to do.
They're usually play, you know, soccer games or
times where they
now when they have on Friday, this past Friday, my children got to
play with their devices. And then I had mentioned something getting
that they had already played with their devices. I mentioned them
watching something later with their dad. And then my eldest he
himself, this was his response. He's like, Mommy, I think that's
going to be too much screentime This is self regulation. I did.
Thinking about having already played games, he himself realized
that I don't want to go over my limit. And Alhamdulillah I was
like,
No, that's that's the object.
How to do these on their own
Modeling being consistent. And also, like I said, being really
well versed in their temperaments and knowing to speak to them
individually, instead of just, you know, randomly giving out rules to
everybody and not really making those connections, making sure
they understand why, like when it comes to social media, huge thing
that we can all do is just those documentaries I did on CBS
recently that
affect the brains of children. I watched that whole thing with my
children. And Well, luckily, my my youngest, who's seven years old
goes,
want to phone. This was his answer to watching that video, because he
himself understood the deleterious effects of social media and
devices on their brain. And he's like, I don't want to have that
problem. I don't have a problem where my brain doesn't work,
right. And I have addictive behaviors. I mean, there's a quote
from one psychologist that said, giving your child a device is akin
to giving them a crack, I mean, a gram of cocaine.
I mean, that's the hazard on our brains. So when you want children,
and I just watched them, and then go repeat them what with them,
because they'll see that you're not just making things up to be
difficult, right? Or that you're just withholding something they
really love, but you're actually trying to protect them. So I think
we have to respect children can understand these things, give them
the benefit of the doubt more than, yes, even a six, seven year
old, can understand dangerous if you take the time to respect their
intelligence and explain it to them.
That model of parenting just is not effective anymore. So now,
going back to the previous list about dangers, again, we're just
doing a review. For those of you who last session what we talked
about, we talked about the dangers and threats, that we all have to
kind of anticipate as parents among the
devices and social media, but also just being really clear about che
THON and how he works, what his powers are, quote, unquote, you
know, the fact that when we say he whispers, what does that mean, you
know, children, especially when they're young, you know, what they
might not understand that it's not a physical whisper into their ear.
But it's more an inspiration into the thought, you know, that's
embedded into their mind, you know, out of nowhere, sometimes
you get a negative thought Those are types of do, and then that he
compels us towards wrong action. He wants us to miss the mark, he
wants us to sin, He wants us to fall and falter, he wants us to
disobey. He wants us to do every bad thing, being very clear that
anytime those negative thoughts come that they come from him,
uses he angers and he entices us to elicit behavior, and that his
signature, as we mentioned earlier, is to progressively
worsen us to make us worse and ruinous. That's really what he
wants to do. So he's going to inspire us to do worse than
before. And so that's clear about shaitan. And now when it comes to
clear about how the neffs works, and also the weaknesses of the
human neffs. So we focus specifically on knowing the
diseases of the heart. This is very important I and highly
encourage you to get the book, The chicoms, a translated method
group, and he discusses 27 or 28 diseases in there. He mentions
them and you know, it's all, you know, the remedies are there. But
this would be a great text to study as a family. Okay, again,
and you can start this when your children are young in the age
appropriate ways. And mashallah, I believe, the Kasady project funds
Betye has a web, you know, they have called the Azadi project, and
it's all to introduce these topics of the heart and the purification
of the heart to young children. This is the kind of stuff we
should be, you know, encouraging our children to learn and to, to
really be well versed in, before we get them caught up, and all the
other stuff that they eventually will learn. You know, I know a lot
of parents freak out, I had a parent yesterday, come up to me
afterwards, after the parenting workshop I did. And he was like,
you know, I don't I don't allow my children to have any devices or
screens or anything. And him and his wife, I think they, they
differ in opinion, because his wife is worried she thinks that
they're going to fall behind. So she's telling him, but I want them
to learn how to type and to be really good on the computer. And,
you know, you see all these coding classes that are forced down on
children or be so worried about coding, coding, and stem and all
that, and yet, they're gonna get it eventually. But if your kids if
you're spending 1000s of dollars, putting them in specialized
classes, to do all of that techie stuff, and to just get them
academically ahead, but they've never learned this, I mean, what
are we doing? What are we? What are we doing, we're literally
setting them up to fail eventually. And so we have to be
again, go back to that Shepherd model and go there's too many
dangers and threats out there. But if I can get them to know
themselves really well, to seek, you know, Allah subhanaw taala,
that strong relationship with Him, when I'm not there. I don't have
to be as paranoid and worried about them. But if I've done all
the other preparatory work, and got them to excel in every other
area, but then
spiritually, they're really behind, then what good? Is that?
Gonna do them? What really? What good? Is that gonna do them? They
might
jobs out there and make a lot of money, but spiritually, where are
they going to be at? Right? So our job has to be to focus on this. So
this is really important study with your children. And there's
other ones Content of Character. And I'm sure I mean, we through a
long list, but there these are things that we can do as parents,
additive measures, pros and cons about this. I'm sorry about that
Michael keeps?
Yes?
Write
absolutely no 100%, you have got to be consistent with your
parenting and both mother and father have to be on the same
page. So these discussions, you can't have them in front of the
children, you know, you're arguing back and forth, which
unfortunately, sometimes parents do. Well, I said, so no, you know,
it's you're undermining your authority completely. When you do
that, you have to be ahead of these things. So that's why I
really applaud people who are single and kind of, you know,
maybe newly married, who are who are in who are all head, and
actually proactively taking classes like this, or there's
multiple other resources too, but they're doing the work because
they recognize I have to do this before I have children, I can't
wait till I have a child. And then I see behavior that I'm not happy
about, and I try to fix it, I have to be well versed in this parent
is away or not present, you see a difference in behavior. So this is
what unfortunately, we we inculcate when we're focusing so
much on the you know, on on just again, that authoritarian model,
and we're just telling them what to do all the time, it's not
effective. So do as I say, not as I do is not effective, it's
literally not effective, it's actually, I think, one of the
worst things you can do to your, for your relationship with your
child, because the child will eventually have no respect for
you. And I've seen it, I've seen teens, who they have zero respect
for their parents, because their parents all their lives, have been
telling them don't do this, don't do that don't do this, but then
they're doing the same, the behaviors are worse. So you have
to model correct behavior. And if you do that sincerely, and you
really, you know, want your children the best for your
children, they will inshallah follow along, just kind of like
the analogy of like a duck, you know, you see the mama duck, you
know, with her little chicks, following everywhere she goes,
because she's, you know, very clear in her path. And she's,
she's, you know, directing them the proper way. But if you're all
over the place, going this way, in that way, and this way, in that
way, those you know, your little chicks are gonna do the same,
they're gonna follow you, you know, you're gonna exhibit the
same sort of erratic behavior, because you're not clear in your
path. So we have to, again, start back with ourselves, and realize
what, you know, what it means to be an effective leader. So here,
we've identified the five characteristics of an effective
leader, number one, strong communication.
Okay? Then passion and commitment. Okay, so you have to be passionate
about, you know, and committed to everything we're talking about,
you can't just, you know, kind of get you know, exactly exhausted
after you know, a few efforts and just kind of give up, and then
positivity, you know, be positive in your attitude, with your
children, with yourself with everything that you take on an
innovative, you know, you have to be innovative, so innovative. When
it comes to really going back to what I was saying earlier, as far
as you know, looking at your children as being unique, being
innovative, and how you deal with your children, every child is
going to require a different way of communication. So some kids,
you might need to do bonding experiences with them, you know,
where you actually take them out on special excursions, just you
and them. And you do a lot of physical, you know, things where
they really feel like you're focusing your attention on them.
Other kids might just need, you know, more affection, physical
affection. And so this is where knowing things like the love
languages can really be helpful. And studying those with your
family because we all might know it for our spouses, and our
significant others, but you have to know it for your entire family.
Every child has a different love language, some really appreciate
gifts and feel really special when you do things for them or when you
offer to help them in certain things. So you have to know those
things. But that's where being innovative in your parenting comes
through is that you're not just doing a one size fits all model.
And then collaboration is really looking again to mentors, maybe in
your
amongst your friends and family, parents, who have already kind of
been through phases that you're about to go through, like Zhi Shan
here, he's in our community community, him and his wife,
Hannah, they should we believe people should know that, mashallah
they're their pillars in the community. And they've done a lot
in terms of this, you know, of offering great counsel to couples
and families about parenting. But we should be able to identify
people in our community that we can go to for help. We have a real
center, we have mashallah scholars in our, we're very, very
privileged here in the Bay Area. So we have to know who can we seek
out when it comes. But I highly encourage people to be proactive,
don't wait for problems to arise, and then figure out what to do.
Think about everything, I think about all the scenarios that could
potentially go wrong. And you have to be really willing, like, what
would I do if this happens, or that happens? Know who you're
going to reach out to in those situations? But this is what
again, if you have these qualities, Inshallah, then you
were on the right track.
So I wanted to today talk about something that is really tied into
this. How many of you have heard about the, this, this term called
the growth mindset? Okay, good. So in education, now, we're seeing
this a lot, okay, this concept being taught to children, I did a
workshop recently on this for parents, and educators about this,
this term and what it means, but in doing it, I realized
Subhanallah, this is something parents need to hear. And at,
honestly, every individual needs to hear, because we are all it's
very, there's a lot of, you know, Islamic, you know, there's a
connection here, you know, with with principles of our faith, and
this, and we'll get to that. But I feel like if we understand how it
ties back to temperament and really knowing yourself, well,
which is a constant thing that we've been talking about. But if
you really have a solid understanding of what your mindset
is, and if it's impeding your ability to effectively parent,
then it's going to help you because a lot of parents I think
are they're not aware of how fixed some of their thoughts are. So
let's just get into what, what this whole term means for those
who've never heard of it. So the growth mindset is, oh, sorry,
wrong slide.
There we go. Can see that. So it's a concept that was created by
Carol Dweck, and she's a psychologist, and she basically
wrote a book called The mindset, the new psychology of success. And
she identified a mindset as a self perception or self theory that
people hold about themselves. Okay, so this can apply to
anything it can apply to your intelligence, okay? So being
intelligent or unintelligent, being generous, being, you know,
not generous, you know, there's certain qualities that if you
accept about yourself, you, you know, you start to believe that
this is just who you are at your core, even spiritually speaking,
people do this, you know, I'm just not very strong spiritually. And
so they kind of give up, right, and we see this happening a lot
where people become very stagnant in their spiritual practice,
because they don't think that they have the potential to do better,
they kind of get locked into this mindset that this is just who I
am, I'm lazy, I'm not really strong. I can't. Or when you're
learning, you know, let's say, Quran, or Arabic or anything. I'm
not good at languages, it's hard for me. So what do you do, you
basically get locked into thinking that you can't grow, right? A lot
of people around us walking around like this thinking that they're
just stunted where they are, this is just how Allah created me and I
can't move past this. And so imagine if that's your mindset,
how it's going to affect not only your relationship, your spiritual
health, right, but your relationships with other people,
because you kind of get locked into thinking. So this self
theory, right, this self perception, and then people can be
aware or unaware. So a lot of times people might be aware of
their mindsets. A lot of times they're not. So let's look at what
a fixed mindset is versus a growth mindset. Okay? A fixed mindset are
people who basically believe that their basic qualities like
intelligence or talent, are simply fixed traits. They spend their
time documenting their intelligence or talent instead of
developing them. They also believe that talent alone creates success
without effort. How many people think maybe they were led to
believe that for most of their lives that by being other family
members, you know, sometimes as children, some of our parents did
that a lot even why there was within that same household or
maybe you know, extended family members, a lot of kids in our
generation I know from just speaking to people we got compared
a lot right. And so did you ever think that some people were just
naturally born talented? Right? How many people have kind of felt
that we were maybe still do
right, but some people it let's say for example, athletic ability,
right, Joe?
Isn't there this perception that some people are just naturally
athletic, right? versus people who aren't? or artistic ability,
right? So people are just naturally artistic versus non
artistic. So I remember,
I don't know if you've read the book by Malcolm Gladwell. I always
forget the name of it on the law. Outliers, how many of you have
read this book, it's an excellent book, I highly recommend you to
read it. And I recommend you to read it as a family. Because this
book talks about kind of deep, you know, it breaks down this whole
myth that people are just born, you know, exceptional. That
actually, it's effort, right? That it's putting a lot of sincerity in
your action, which goes back to the Islamic model of SN and its
plan, when we do things with sincerity, and we do things
deliberately, and we do things diligently and we do things with
that right intention that tofield comes not inherently who where
does that come from?
Where does it come from? Allah subhana wa, tada. People aren't
just born with, you know, privilege and talent, Allah, yes,
he will give he distributes these things, to whoever seeks it right
to whoever He wills, first of all, but also to those who seek it. And
that's why you have much more amazing stories of people in their
90s who have completed heaps of Quran, you know, when we would
think that's impossible, because oh, you know, my memory is bad. I
have a bad memory of mommy brain. I mean, I've been caught saying
that, Oh, my memory, really plummeted after kids, you know,
but if you believe that, you get locked into this fixed mindset,
guess what, next time a program comes around to teach him or to
teach a particular subject that maybe you have an interest in
shaytaan is gonna come and might not, you know, basically thwart
you from even thinking about it, right? You're never you're never
gonna do it, why even bother? You can't do it, you're 40 Plus,
you're 50. Plus, you're 30 Plus, your time, you hit your prime
early, right, you're over your prime. This is a fixed mindset,
right. But so many people get caught up in that. So if you
believe that your talents are either born gifted or not, then
homeless, give up, you're not going to try anything, a lot of
people walking around like that. But this book, you know, he
basically goes through history and pulls out, select, you know,
individuals that mastered whatever field they were in, whether it's
music, or you talks about, like, Steve Jobs, and Bill Gates. And I
remember Bill Gates kind of stuck out to me, because I said, Subhan
Allah, and that's just clear, you know, planning of almost, you
know, when, when the supercomputer came about, I guess there's just a
few of them right in the world, in the country here in the world,
possibly. But he just happened to live school in the city, where
they had one in the, in the university that he was at all the
other people who were interested in computer science at that time,
because it was kind of exciting, you know, this new concept of
computer science, he, um, like all the other students, they were
given access to this computer had to pay for it. So they had these
cards that they had to use, and they would get charged every time
they used to get a computer to his card. There was a glitch with his
card. So he could he didn't have to pay. So he got to go, like 10
times, maybe 100. All the other kids who had the same passion.
That opened up all the opportunity in the world for him, he learned
and he mastered, he got really ahead of it. And then next thing,
you know, he's Bill Gates, right? But this how, you know, we believe
that Allah is the one who's in charge of these things. And he
gave him that opportunity. But the point is, is we when we think of
someone like Bill Gates, a lot of people think well, he's just a
genius. You know, he just ahead of us in so many ways. He had
privilege.
He also had the determination, though, right? The drive, he was
going every day he was doing it. So anyhow, just to summarize,
Gladwell says that there's a magic number. He says, if you can commit
yourself to doing something 10,000 hours, you will be a master of
that, whatever it is. That's what how much it takes. put the effort
in 10,000 hours. So you see all these athletes and all these
singers and all these people who know that they're, you know,
specific talent. It's because yeah, they've been practicing
since they were 5678, gymnasts, whatever they are, you know,
soccer players. They've been doing it for so long, that the numbers
add up. They've put in that time. So the point is, is it kind of
again, debunks this whole idea that talent is just inherited. But
if you are locked into this mindset, you don't grow and you
likely aren't going to, you know, see potential growth in your
children. So you have parents who sometimes just believe what they
believe about their children. Oh, he's not very good at this.
And then they prevent growth from with their children because of
their safe. Just their mindset onto their children.
It's sad, it's tragic, because we don't encourage our
children into things, or whatever reason, but will you have a
question? Please?
Write
it in
all
right, well, we're talking, you know, this is, if it comes down to
something you're passionate about right, then I think you have to
zone in on one thing particular, obviously, all these people aren't
doing this for everything that they have an interest in. So it's
really a matter of honing in on what your particular passion or
interest in is in, and then doing that type of dedication, it's
going to take time. But I think if we're trying to do it, apply it to
all the different areas and interests that we have. Yeah,
that's where it's going to be very difficult to do, because there's
just simply not enough time to do that. So I think this is again,
the importance of really being in touch with yourself and knowing
yourself, well, knowing your temperament, knowing how, you
know, the gifts that maybe almost that has facilitated for you, and
seeing who can I maybe, you know, do you know, excel at this, you
know, for example, you see, I mean, I used to teach Porter and,
and I would have, you know, my fellow students, I mean, there was
one particular student who blew my mind, he just was naturally very
good at memorization, we would work on him, he was a first
grader, we work on, you know, the shorter Sutras of JAMA, and he
would have, we would I would do two or three is with you to come
back the next day, I'm not joking, have the entire sort of memorized
and the next the sort of after it. So I told his parents, I said,
this is a child that most likely should be like in a hips program,
because he's already displaying this natural gift for
memorization. And if he has a love for it, he really enjoyed doing
it. So it wasn't that they were forcing him I didn't expect that
as his teacher, but he I could just see mashallah, he had a gift.
And I believe he did go on to do hips. So sometimes, yes, there are
always part that I facilitate certain things for certain people.
And that's where, again, being in touch with those things, but to
get into this locked mindset, where you are, who you are, and
there's really no potential to change is, it can be, you know, it
can it can prevent us from growth. And that's why we have to really
revisit that and make sure that we're not preventing that for
ourselves or for our families. So a growth mindset, which would be
the opposite of a fixed mindset actually believes that their most
basic abilities can be can be developed through dedication and
hard work, brains and talent, our starting point, this view creates
a love of learning and a resilience that is essential for
great accomplishment. I mean, one area, for example, that I can
speak about is writing
on Hamdulillah. And I've written for a long time, I remember
writing poetry when I was in, you know, elementary school. And I
just wrote a lot, you know, so I used to have journals, and I would
write cards for my friends. And I'd write from a lot of people
that I'm not a writer, I can't write, I'm not a writer, I can't
write I don't know how you do it, how do you do it? I'm like, Well,
I think I think everybody can write, I think you just have to
want to do it. But a lot of people, you know, just don't want
to so over the years, I mean, when I was in high school, especially a
lot of people would ask me to do their, you know, writing
assignments for them, because I can't do it. Can you help me out?
You know, can you fill this out for me? And you know, sometimes,
you know, happen even later than that, but people would ask me to
do writing assignments for them, because I'm not a writer.
So, you know, again, an example of getting locked into this thinking,
but
I think you can't you just have to take some classes, take some
creative writing classes or public speaking, you know, people think
oh my god, it's the biggest fear ever. No public speaker has ever
just walked up on stage and just did an amazing job. That's not how
it works. You have anxiety because yeah, it's terrifying to sin. But
the more you do it, guess what, like anything, you're gonna get
better at it. So a lot of people are so afraid. And they just think
nope, that's not for me. Totally fixed mindset. Okay, so can you
have something other than a fixed or growth mindset? According to
one? Psychologist, his name was James Anderson. He actually took
Carol Dweck X, you know,
my
mind sets and he said, there's actually more potential because he
calls it the mindset continuum. Okay, so we can actually have
different mindset. So let's look at this. And this is really small,
don't worry, I'm gonna go through each one. But I just wanted you
get the full picture of what this measure is. The mindset continuum
measures a few different things and just to see how your mindset
can really affect your life. It's it can affect your worldview.
Challenges how you face challenges, how you encounter
difficult challenges and obstacles.
You're the effort that you put,
how you take feedback,
how you perceive the success of people, making mistakes,
How you react to when you make a mistake.
You're offered help and support. So again, we're going to examine
this a little bit more in depth. So if you look at the continuum,
you have fixed any growth, and then in between, you have low
growth, mixed and growth, okay? So understanding where you are in the
continuum is very important. You have a very fixed mindset, which a
lot of do especially let's parents and our grandparents generation,
you that you can, sometimes to do anything, right, they're like, I'm
not doing it, I'm not having it. Because it's natural as you
get very fixed and who you are, and you don't want to explore and
try new things. And it's just like, nope, do it. No, it's not
for me. So a lot of people will see that and people who are older,
but it actually can start a lot earlier. So
you have a fixed mindset, you just see yourself as unchanging and
unchangeable. Like I'm not, I'm not going to change who I am. And
sometimes
this is who I am, take it or leave it, you know, we hear this, take
it or leave it not going to change. My bad habits are just
part of me. This is is this part of I mean, would you think this
would be acceptable from Islamic perspective? Right, you have bad
habits. And I've seen this with couples counseling, you know, one
or two are just kind of done, they're sick and tired of having
to defend their behavior. So they just kind of get to the point
where it's like, I am who I am, they can take it or leave it. But
from a spiritual perspective, this is totally incorrect. Because our
whole objective on Earth is to develop to be better. So we don't
accept, you know, like, just stagnation. And this is just where
I am at. No, we're, we have to have a growth mindset, right and
everything. But, and so you can, again, there's, there's variation,
and you should see for yourself where you are in this continuum,
if you have a low growth, then there might be certain things that
you think, okay, you know, I can, you know, develop or
do but it's very limited. A mixed mindset is, there's a number of
things that you're willing to, to do and other things, absolutely
not. So you can again, see, it's just gradually getting more and
more expansive as you go into the continuum. And this applies to
everything challenges. If you're a fixed mindset, you avoid
challenges altogether, you're not going to and I've heard people say
this, if I'm not if I know I'm not going to succeed at doing it, I
won't even try.
But does that logically make sense? How can you know if you're
going to succeed at anything if you don't try? Right? But because
in their minds, they don't think they can succeed at something?
What's the point of not even going to try? So they'll they'll just,
that's it, there's no even potential to get them to, you
know, to open their mind. And then if you have a high growth mindset,
you embrace challenges, you actually are like, hey, if someone
tells me I can't do something, I am going to prove them right or
wrong. Excuse me, right? I'm gonna prove them wrong. So this is what
a growth mindset has. It's like, I don't think so you tell me, you
know that I'm not good enough. Or I, you know, I didn't, you know, I
don't have this talent, or I don't have that talk. I'll prove you
wrong. So again, you look at challenges, not as something to be
afraid of encountering difficulties and obstacles, if you
have a difficult situation that you're in, if you have a fixed
mindset, you give up easily, quickly. And I've seen this, let's
say, again, with marriages, you have some people who throw in the
towel very early. You know, they're just like, I'm done. They
don't want to consider you know, what, maybe this is an opportunity
for, for your growth. Maybe you can, you know, develop seek help
get some, you know, marriage counseling, nope, I'm just done.
And they that's where you get people who, you know, throw out
the word divorce, and the marriage is over, because they gave up. It
wasn't the dream, it wasn't the fantasy that I wanted, I'm done,
I'm out. And then you have a growth mindset that says, Nope, we
are going to push past, we made a commitment to all that or whatever
it is, we're going to keep pushing until we get to that place, right?
And you do your best not to say that every marriage is has to
last. You're trying and you don't feel this need to, you know,
quitting because it's too difficult. Effort. Okay. So for a
fixed mindset effort is associated with failure. Okay, so you kind of
your effort is, is measures how much you think, again, if you're
gonna fail or not, you put in that type of effort. Whereas if you
have a high growth mindset, it's a path to mastery. So you try harder
because, like, I'm working really hard at this. I know I'm gonna get
it to school class or you learn a skill set. You're not intimidated.
You really see the effort as a path to something great.
Criticism. If you have a fixed mindset, you ignore feedback and
criticism. So someone could tell you over and over
Ever again that you have a bad habit with something that you have
a problem in a particular area, but you, you're just it literally
in one ear and out the other, you don't hear it, you don't even pay
any attention to it, you give it no value whatsoever. And we know
people like this people who will never change, because they've
heard it from family from friends that they have certain qualities,
but for whatever reason, they're just not having it. And it's
likely because, again, they have that fixed mindset. Whereas if you
have a high growth mindset Subhanallah, you request feedback,
critical feedback, you want people to tell you, if you're doing
something successfully or not, or you know, you asked for that,
like, what do you think? Do you think this is good or not? Do you
think I should change? Whatever it is, but this is again, you're
you're only wanting to better yourself. So feedback doesn't you
know, make you
feel bad, you don't, you know, put it back on the other person, you
actually welcome feedback, and then the success of others. So if
you have a fixed mindset, you're likely to be someone who is
threatened by the success of other people, you don't like that. Other
people are better than you at something, or they're succeeding,
actually, or their, you know, their their children, maybe have
more things that you wish your kids had. Let's say there's an
envy. So do you see how this all affect, you know, is, or is, you
know, is it reflects our spirits. Your mindset very much reflects
where you are spiritually. But a lot of people don't pay attention
to how these things manifest, right. So again, if you feel
threatened by the success of other people, you have to really ask
yourself where you are in this. And then
when you are have a high growth mindset, you seek out masters and
experts, you're actually like, Hey, you're better at this than
me, I want to learn from you. I don't look at you like as a
threat, I actually want to benefit from you. Okay. So, again, it's
something that you you're because you're constantly looking at
growth, and bettering yourself. So your mindset is in line with that.
And then the last one was making mistakes, if you have a fixed
mindset, you hide or ignore your mistakes. So if you're someone
who, you know, you just don't talk about anything you did wrong, and
you're just always like, you know, covering up and you, you know,
don't apologize for things when you do wrong things. I mean, I've
seen this with parents, especially and their children, it's a big
mistake not to apologize to your children. If you make mistakes in
the way that you did something and you yell, you scream, you do
something wrong. Your parents, your children, you should
absolutely apologize. But a lot of parents want to act like Nope, I
don't make mistakes. And they never I've heard parents literally
say I never apologize. Don't do it. Don't Why should I?
Again, fixed mindset, but a high growth mindset, you realize that
mistakes are actually opportunities to learn. There's a
learning potential there. So you want to grow and you want to
expand, you don't look at them as being these, you know, blights on
who you are that you have to hide and cover, but rather like, Okay,
I made a mistake, but go up and get better. And that's very much
again, in line with the Islamic model. And then when you're
offered help, there's people who, clearly that you know, their
houses, they won't take out, but I've unfortunately heard this from
a lot of couples, you know, where one really, really wants help, and
then the spouse is refusing, I refuse, I will never, I've heard
this, I will never go to therapy ever. I'll never go to therapy,
their marriage is falling apart. They're literally on the verge of
divorce. But this is the kind of never gonna, you know, so ring of
help is just shut out right there that they turn it down.
If you have a growth mindset, you recognize Yes, when I have
problems, I need to seek out help.
You know, take all this in I know it's a lot of information. I
apologize if it's hard to see the slides, but evaluate where you are
on this continuum. Are you low growth fix? Where are you high
growth, low growth, you know, where are you and in relation to
all this? And then ask yourself, how does this affect my parenting?
Right? Because if I'm stuck in my ways, am I teaching my children to
be stuck in their ways, inhibiting their growth right. Whereas if you
have a high growth and you have a high desire for success,
Inshallah, the opposite will happen, your children will learn
from that as well. So can Yes, absolutely. research on brain
plasticity? How connectivity between neurons can change with
experience? So when we with practice, okay, and going back to
what we said earlier, and determination, you can actually
change your mindset with good strategies as
In questions, practicing following good nutrition, sleep habits, so
this is important, again, for you to know and also for your
children. Okay.
And this will, that I shared with with the teachers, but I thought
it was helpful for us to that, you know, in a study with seventh
graders at an inner city, New York School students were divided into
two groups for a workshop on the brain and study skills. So half of
the students, the control group were taught about the stages of
memory, okay, so that they that was their workshop, which talked
about memory, the other half received training in the growth
mindset, how the brain grows with learning to make you smarter, and
how to apply the idea for their schoolwork. Now, the students who
had the growth mindset workshop, they actually, you know, they did
three times, as better or three, excuse me three times as many
students in the growth mindset group showed an increase in effort
and motivation compared with the control group. And after the
training, the control group continued to show declining
grades, but the growth mindset group showed a clear rebound in
their grades.
Were sitting in this growth mindset, mindset workshop, just by
hearing, the fact that they can get better in their studies, they
were given hope, they were given that, you know, positive
reinforcement that every all of them have the potential to get
better, they actually did better. So do you see the importance of
relaying this positive energy, relaying that, you know, and
relaying hope? It's very important that we do that for each other,
because the opposite of that is, like, shaytaan, he works by taking
away hope. He works by just our spirits, getting us depressed,
getting us to think that we're doomed. Okay, that we're just, you
know, we have bad luck. We're cursed. Oh, my God, I can't tell
you how many people think that somebody in another country did
you know, another nine on the family. And now their children are
experiencing that, and their marriages are suffering because of
that. All fixed mindset stuff. That's all Wesco stuff from
shaitan. Because he's literally robbed you of hope. So now and I
literally get calls panic calls? Like, is there someone here in the
local area that can do it always? Or can you do it? Yeah, I could do
this, because I really think this is happening. Like, well, you
know, if that's how you're gonna,
you're, you're you're literally stuck in that. And that's exactly
what shaitan wants from you, because now you're just in a cycle
of sadness,
hopelessness, and there's zero growth, and it's going to bleed
into every member of your household when you're like that.
And that's what's happening in our community. So, growth mindset, you
know, again, this is just simple stuff. But you're just changing
your mindset, you're changing the way you look at the world, you're
literally not getting locked into thinking of yourself as any fixed
thing, but rather, as something that's changeable, that can
improve your circumstances can improve if you have health issues,
you know, I post earlier on Facebook, but I highly highly,
please laugh. I watched this documentary, if you have Netflix,
it's called heal. It is one of the best things I've ever seen in my
life. I was like, the whole time, like, Oh, my God.
That's like, it's so Islamic. Everything they're saying, This
documentary is shows you the power of the mind, and how people can
from serious chronic illness and disease by positive thinking,
which is completely in line with Islam. Because Allah Subhana Allah
says what I am in the opinion of my servant, right? So if you have
a growth mindset, if you believe that I was proud that it can
change anybody circumstances, right and your circumstance, and
you sincerely believe that it's not just words that you say,
because they're the right things to say, but in your heart of
hearts, you truly believe that Allah Subhana Allah has the
potential to change your circumstance, he will prove that
you will prove you're correct. The opposite is true. If you think
something's wrong with you, you're flawed, you're not good enough, or
you're just again doomed to suffer. That's what you're going
to see this is a Hadith so it's very clear how powerful you know
having the correct mindset is when it comes to our own spiritual and
mental well being and our spiritual health and our family's
spiritual well being and spiritual health, right.
Just some, you know, basic
for parents on how they can change the way that they speak to their
children to encourage growth mindset. So you don't praise your
children for
are you excuse me, you praise them for effort for strategies
progress, hard work, persistence, you don't praise me.
Being born gifted, talented, having
is fixed abilities not takes. So it's just kind of, you know,
little tweaks in the way that we talk to our children. And that
will help them, encourage them to have a growth mindset. Because if
you focus on your children, you know, being the effort that they
put into something, this is what encourages them to continue to put
to heart. But if you just think, Oh, see, you're so smart, you're
so good, you do this, and then you're doing a lot of comparison
between your kids, it's gonna break down the confidence of one
or more child, trust me, it happens all the time to children,
and especially when you look at studies on birth. Right? We've
talked about this before. There's a huge thing that parenting, we
have to look at what what happens when we are constantly praising
our eldest? Because they're high achievers over achievers, and why
are they the oldest in our families are usually all the
attention, right? They didn't have to compete for attention, they got
all the best of everything. They didn't have hand me downs, they
got all the best opportunities. We were present, we were excited.
first grandchild, and oh my god, they're like the golden child. And
so all of that helps them to continue to sell even into
adulthood.
child who's completely ignored and lost, I was one.
You know, they're lost in the mix. There's so many that you get kind
of just like, who are you? Nobody cares about your needs? Nobody
cares. So how does this affect you know, relationships, you're gonna
likely want crave
you to get away with everything. And they're just, you know, they
get very entitled, because mom and dad are too tired and exhausted
with 1234. And five to even care about six is doing or three is
doing because like we burnt out, right? So but you walk into your
relationships with that mindset, you're gonna end up having or with
any of these mindsets, there's going to choose there. But we can
do a lot when it comes to preventing these things from
happening to our children, by just being more aware of how the way we
speak to them, the praise that we give them the attention we give
them, their self.
You know, just to talk about growth mindset, a little bit more
in Islam, here are some ideas.
Much This is rooted in our faith, indeed, change the condition of a
people until they change what is in themselves. We almost thought
it was telling us very clearly, we have to do the work, right? If we
want our our condition to sense to change, it has to start with us.
The most beloved action soloist out of those that are performed
consistently, even if they are martial earlier mentioned the
importance of that
everything we do in ourselves in our worship are a bad all of those
things. If you're
to three prayers a day or you're just like
you know, skip because we have a wedding to go to.
This happens all the time. It sisters especially, you know, I
got my makeup on. I can't risk breaking my you know, clearing my
face off and make well do I have a wedding to go to? Oh my gosh.
Your kids, the prayer is, you know all about one of my convenience,
right? This is disastrous. It's not consistent. Our lives have to
revolve around our prayer. Our very first objective in this world
is Salah, that's why I was one that created us to worship Him. So
if you don't if you're not consistent with that, but then you
get upset at your teenager for not praying? Where did he learn it
from? Where did she learn it from? Waking up for Fudger because
nobody told him how important it was. You sure didn't know when you
you know decided to just skip a prayer because it wasn't
convenient. So this is where consistency really matters, right?
Well I take refuge in You from anxiety and sorrow, with
miserliness in cowardice, the burden of deaths from being
overpowered and for being
laziness.
We have to make you know, seek refuge from being you know, just
apathetic we don't care lazy and not really put in much effort into
anything. This is a big problem, but this is again to reinforce
this concept we have and then
from it
is important to achieve and
according to him and Josie Milan things noble him my motivation,
okay, and then the right strategy, so Hamdulillah that you guys are
mashallah at least looking into the importance of taking classes
like this because this is you know, one example there's more so
many other offerings in our community of how you you're
proactive and you're, you're looking at strategies and learning
and do and growth so it's a good sign mashallah that you're here,
um, did Allah and taking from this and then there's other mashallah
eyes as well, if you're sure, I shall certainly give you increase
actions or tensions, when you've taken a decision, put your trust
in Allah spot data. So there's a lot of that, again, in line with
this last thing, or more almost
want to also just remind ourselves of the purpose of Sharia, right?
Because we're
hamdulillah we're Muslim, we know the
faith.
And what Shadia the Islamic law, it what it protects what they are,
it's meant to things, okay? Practice of
the self, okay? The mind,
which is children, right, and the family, and then property. So the
fundamental protections include freedom of again, religion, the
affirm the sanctity of life, uphold the power of reasoning of
the mind, validate the importance of family and protect the rights
of children, and guarantee the security of assets. So for all of
us, we have to remember we are going to be held accountable for
what we do with our children, the entire, you know, bases of our
faith guarantees their protection. So that's why it's so important to
really remember, parenting is an Amana. Okay, and we talked about
this in the very first session, if we walk into parenting, thinking
we're entitled to it, okay, that it's an entitlement, that children
are just our little minions and extensions of us that we get to
boss around and tell what to do, because they look like us. And
they remind us of us, and we can talk to them however we want. And
we can tell them to do whatever we want.
This is going against the Sharia, they are not ours, they belong to
Allah subhana wa Tada. And he will collect his, you know, Amana from
us, and how we return our children to him is going to be the basis of
where we stand with him. So we have to really take it very, very
seriously, that what we're doing is cultivating souls, Inshallah,
and we should
protect their beautiful hearts, so that this ugly world and that
we've, we've given the shield and the tools to protect themselves
and protect their hearts. So that's, again, so important to
remember, this is all in line with the basis of our faith. And the
takeaways that I hope you take from these sessions, this and all
the ones before are just reminders that we've repeated throughout.
That parenting again, is not part of your dream life, if you had a
dream of what parenting was going to be like, what your marriage is
going to be like, it's not determined by your dream, your
good intentions, your actions, what your experience of parenting
in has nothing to do with any of those. Because we can't control
outcomes. There are people who do everything, right, but things
don't turn out the way they want them to. And submission is saying,
okay, Allah, I tried my best, I did the best that I could, if you
can say that, and hamdulillah your your heart
that you did the best you could, but if your children don't turn
out exactly the way you want them to. And there's a reason because
maybe you were negligent, maybe you didn't fulfill their rights
the way you should have. That's a reason to be worried with your
standing. But if you did everything right, outcomes are not
up to you. Again, parenting is in a manner, children does not belong
to us a lot of things I just mentioned. And effective parenting
starts with the parents commitment to self knowledge and growth
first. So if we want to be effective as parents, this is the
starting ground, not just focusing on children that that will come
they will follow what we do.
Just focusing on controlling them like little you know, robots, and
we just want to control her and someone to tell us
to do that. That's not your intention isn't in the right
place. It should be I want to be better for my children, I want to
set the right example. So how can I better myself, so that they can
be better. That's what we should be doing when we're doing
parenting classes. And then effective parents also know when
to seek help and aren't for it. So if you can take these away from
all these workshops, and Hamdulillah I feel like I've I've,
we've done our job here if we've communicated things effectively.
And then these are just some last quotes to end with, or positive
messages that we should all think about. If parents want to give
their children a gift, the best thing they can do is teach their
children to love challenges, be intrigued, takes effort and keep
on learning. That way their children don't have to be slaves
of praise. They will have a lifelong way to build and repair
their own confidence. And then accept your child as a beautiful
and miraculous gift alone from God. See the best in him or her
for He will then see the best. Praise it encourage his positive
qualities, feed his spirit by making sure he knows you love him
flaws and all he is worthy just as he is how you see your child
expands into how they he sees
himself
so that was the end of the presentation