Hosai Mojaddidi – Raising Children Dignity, Devotion & Deen Parenting Workshop (Part 3)
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AI: Transcript ©
When I came home did it that was the that was salam ala Deville MBA
you want more selling? Say that our millennial Have you been able
to handle that sell a lot? What do you sell him, while he was happy
was that he was selling this thing and Kathira said, I want to lay
over again.
Welcome, thank you for being here. I know mashallah, with the current
weather situation, a lot of people aren't really coming out. And I
totally understand. I have friends who have asthma or their kids have
other three issues. It's very difficult to be out. But thank you
for being here.
We also provide relief to all who are suffering I missed,
unfortunately, the prayer but in sha Allah, may Allah accept that
prayer. And hopefully we'll see some rain in the next few days and
shot lots of relief.
For those who have not attended this before, this is the third
workshop that we've done. Just so I get an idea how many of you have
actually maybe watched the other two that was posted? Or we're
here? Okay, great. So, um, you know, before we jump into this,
because this is the third session, I wanted to do a review of the
previous session just to kind of bring everybody up to speed. So
I'm going to go over some of those slides quickly. And then we'll,
we'll go ahead and into into the discussion inshallah for today. So
last time we were here, this one that we talked about,
well, here's the outline.
Closer, okay. Sure. All right, I'll actually sit.
So here's the outline, but we'll just go ahead and get into it. So
we've first talked about spiritual principles and practices that for
every Muslim that we should all be doing our best to implement in our
homes.
And so we said right away from the very first one here is to love
almost parent without a whole heartedly and practice daily
gratitude to him. So we differentiated between half
hearted love and wholehearted love. What does that mean? You
know, if you are for example,
you know, there's many mashallah, in our, in our community, many
people who have obvious reverence for the book of Allah subhanaw,
taala, right? They will put it, you know, on the highest
bookshelves, they might even wrap it in really beautiful cloth.
And that's, that's a great sign of reverence and
for to Allah and for his book. However, if you're not reading
from the book, or acting from the book, then there is some, you
know, disconnect there, right? You might be showing the love in one
case, but then you're not following through. So this would
be a good example of halfhearted. Okay, love of Allah. And a lot of
times in our homes, we might not be aware of how we we don't we're
not fully sincere sometimes in the way that we show love. But we
would never deny our love, right? If someone asked us of course, we
love Allah, we, we believe in Allah, we believe in His
messengers, we believe in his book, in his book, but when it
comes to action, and follow through, that is where the
evidence of true love is, right? So wholehearted love of illustrata
is really taking seriously, the what was probably his expectations
are of us and really being obedient, right, listening with
full attention and presence. And so that obviously, you know, when
it comes to action, the very first thing that we're going to be asked
about are our prayers. So making sure that in our homes, we
establish very clear rules about praying all five prayers on time,
and doing our best inshallah to do those prayers together as a
family. And then obviously, with you know, as time permits, because
when you're going to during the day hours, if you're working or
your kids are in school, that's not possible. However, the other
prayers that are able you are able to do together as a family, the
evening prayers, the early morning prayer before you go to school,
and then obviously on the weekends, those are all
opportunities that you should try to create, again, this sort of
just it's what you do in your home, you pray together as a
family, and making and being very seriously committed to that
practice. And so that's, again, we're talking about how to how to
establish love of all the promises that have in our homes. This is
one great way to do that. Also love and recitation of the Quran.
So if you you know, we talked about this as well. It's very
important to take our relationship with the Quran seriously. So
A lot of parents are good about that for their children, you know,
they may put them in Sunday school or have a private tutor, or use an
online program to get their kids to have a connection with Allah.
But they might think like that for themselves, they may not have ever
taken a class, for example, on that week, or, you know, ever
studied, you know, anything, you know, even the FCRA anything that
really sort of broadens their relationship with the book of a
law, they may have never committed to those studies. And so that is
obviously going to impact this again, another example of the
wholehearted versus the halfhearted if you yourself are
not doing these things. And you've if you recognize that you need to
improve your relationship with the Quran, do it start with yourself,
look for teachers, and in this day and age, there's really no excuse
we have mashallah especially here in this community in the Bay Area,
we are very, very blessed with ample opportunities, ample supply
of teachers who are qualified to teach male and female, some
privately some indifferent, massages or institutions nearby,
but also online, I mean, there's now so many different resources.
So we have to go take it seriously and realize it is a far behind to
know how to read the book of Allah. So when you recognize that
thing, not you don't just look at it for your children, and then
pressure them all the time, because parents will be very good
at policing how much quote around their kids who have memorized if
they know how to read Arabic, they're very good at that. But
again, it starts with you, how are you? What's your relationship like
with the Quran, so making sure that love of the Quran is there.
And also, more specifically, I wrote here, a love of recitation
of the Quran, because the Quran is beautiful. And it's beautiful, and
meaning it's beautiful, and everything in sound. That's why we
have this beautiful art of Tajweed, of learning how to
recite. So it's not just this book that we read from, but we actually
engage in a very spiritual way when we recite. And so if you
create that in your home, then you can inshallah practice either
reciting together, but especially for young children, I mean, this
is very important that we, we say, their eyes over them, you know, so
instead of just reading a bedtime story at night, for example, that
you spend a good 1015 minutes, reading all of the protective
sutras and the eyes over them before they sleep. And I'm
actually doing it in a beautiful voice. And then when you connect
it back to the five daily prayers, that's also a really beautiful way
to make the prayer beautiful, instead of in a rushed process, or
a very dry process, where it's just like, you know, everybody
just kind of stands there, you know, does their mechanical
actions, when you have a beautiful recitation, if you inshallah are
working on it, or we are children, everybody's working on it, then it
makes the prayer really enjoyable. And so when you're done, everybody
feels, you know, just like, wow, that was just a really nice
experience, instead of again, it just being, you know, mechanical
and outward, and how we, we can bring all that beauty out through
connecting it with the recitation of the Quran. So these kinds of
can work together, but these two things, and then obviously, the
daily vicar that we do is very important. If we're not doing
reminders on a daily basis, especially protective to us, then
we're just kind of setting ourselves up for problems because
the dunya is a very difficult place, you know, we've talked
about this, it's a place of trial and tribulation, of sickness, of
worry of stress, of debt, of just anxiety, there's so many things
that are just part and parcel of this dunya of of being here alive
in this world. Therefore, we have to take whatever means we can to
protect ourselves, protect our spiritual hearts from being
affected by these things, right. It's like medicine for the soul.
And those are daily overall because they actually have
protective dogs right when you actually have a weird or it's,
which is, which is a litany of prayers all from the Sunnah of the
Prophet, I said, that you are committed to on a daily basis, you
are seeking protection from a loss product from all the dangers and
the just the things that you might not even think about. But this
should be a practice for your family. It's not just something I
think we've we've gotten to a place where we're spirituality is
something very, very deep and personal, which it should be. But
then as parents, we have to also create you know these things for
our children so that habits so that they can carry them on. So we
have to actually do things with the family as well. You can't just
isolate yourself and and you know do things only when you're by
yourself you know, if you're waking up and shovel up with the
hedgehog or when you add Isha that's when you kind of just
settle in and you
ricotta had an interest in this deep personal thing, good for you,
we should all do that inshallah in our time, but if you're not doing
it with your family, and you want your children, which we all do, we
want our children to be inshallah believers, we want them to go out
into the world being productive and successful people, we can't
expect them to succeed, if we're not doing the work, while they're
young, to plant those seeds for them, right, that's what this is
about. So you actually have to be willing to do things as a family,
and to recognize the importance of making spiritual practice a family
thing, it's not just an individual thing, you know, and individually,
mashallah, if you want to do things outside just for yourself,
nobody's saying not to do that, but you shouldn't do it, like, it
shouldn't be one or the other. They should, you know, try to do
both, you know, really make it. And this is where it's so
important that both husband and wife are on the same page about
this, you know, and I have definitely dealt with couples
where they, they're, you know, that the spouses are sort of
spiritually on two different paths. And mashallah, you know, we
have to come together for the common good of the children. So
even if maybe you are not fully, you know, practicing maybe where
you should be, it's okay to still try to create that culture for
your family, and not hold yourself like, oh, you know, well, I'm not
doing it, why should I say to them, no, remind them, it's better
that you it comes from you, because maybe by you, reminding
them repeatedly, let's say for example, if you're missing some of
your prayers, but yet, you're you still realize that it's a manner
of your, your duty as a parent, and you want to remind your
children to pray, you shouldn't stop yourself and say, Well, I'm
not praying five times a day, why am I going to tell them to pray
five times a day, this is why this was a foreshadowing, okay, don't
do that. Because by remote by being in that position and role as
a parent, reminding them, maybe, maybe by those frequent reminders,
at some point, your heart flips and you realize Subhanallah, I
need to start being more serious about my prayers, right. But if
you just abandon it altogether, you're you're leaving your
children to their to themselves, you're no longer benefiting from,
you know, the reminders. And so what happens is just everything
kind of starts to trip fall apart. So you kind of have to just say,
No, has a parent, it's my duty to make sure they're taking care of
and they're doing what they should be doing. And they should you
know, that it is interesting, because spiritually, we may have
these conflicts. But then when it comes to other things, I don't
think we think we think about it that way. For example, diet,
right? I'm sure all parents regardless of how they eat, right?
When it comes to parenting, we're always like, no, don't eat that
that's not healthy, right? It's too much sugar. It's too much, you
know, whatever, salt, whatever it is, but we're, we're good about
moderating and being moderate with our kids and keeping them on task
when it comes to those issues, right? Or reading or, you know,
education or good about those things. And we don't really
reflect our own, you know, commitment to those things when
we're telling them because we recognize as parents, it's our
duty to make sure that they're, you know, safe and that they're
eating well and that they're doing their work. But for some reason,
when it comes to spirituality, I think that this is a clear sign
for me, you know, that this is what's what's appropriate, Don,
because he's trying to, you know, just divide and conquer, just kind
of make everybody sort of independent and slowly kind of
fall apart. Whereas, so the remedy to that is no keep let's keep each
other accountable. Let's do things together. Let's try to pray
together as we recite putting together let's do our thinking
together, right? Doing these things together is the remedy of
because you're a united front against shaitan. Right? Especially
children, when they're so easily distracted by so many other
things. It's a lot easier for them to want to pray if the whole
family is praying, then you're yelling from your room, go pray,
has a girlfriend go home? And then every two seconds did you pray, Oh
my God, you know that now you get upset with them? Why not say let's
pray together because we're stronger when we're together.
Right? So just having this understanding very from the
beginning, and applying it across the board will alleviate a lot of
the stress that parents put on themselves. When you recognize the
importance and the value of doing things in Gemma and together. Our
dean is Athena Gemma, right? We do everything together for that
reason, because I was surprised that I knows where when we're
alone, we're weak. Or when we're doing things by ourselves, we're
weak because our knifes is weak. And then we have you know, like I
said, all these other distractions and shaitan is right there. So it
just it makes it harder, but trying to do things together as a
lot easier. So as parents, keep this in mind that for my family, I
am not going to make spirituality something where I'm just barking
orders at my kids and telling them what to do.
And I'm doing my own thing, and there's just a huge disconnect.
But we're going to do this as a family, we have a spiritual family
culture that we're creating. Yes, you have a question
I get the whole doing it together. And you've probably often heard
this where the mom is praying, dad is not pregnant. And, you know, I
come from a similar situation
where my husband is not a regular, you know, quite temporary person,
but yet I've got, you know, all boys, and you know, there's no
girls, either besides me, and I'm doing it. And I, where do you see
this going in future? You know, and I think you already probably
have present a situation where parents are coming. Oh, you know,
we did push the birth order, the mom did it all the time all the
time? What does that look like in like, 10 510 years for my kids and
for me, in the house? Yeah, that's definitely a challenge. I
mentioned that there are going to be situations where the husband
and wife friends who are spiritual paths, but I think ultimately the
intention should always be to, to bring together the family in in a
beautiful way. If it's like, you know, resentful, like let's say,
if you want to pray, and you have, I don't know, if you have teenage
boys, their oldest is nine years old commercial, assume he'll be at
the age where he can lead the prayer. But in the interim, you
can still lead them in prayer and teach them and kind of just,
again, prepare them for this beautiful role of being the man.
But also, it's really good for you to honor your spouse's role in
front of them. So even if your spouse isn't praying all five
times a prayer of prayers, if he knows how to pray, and he
recognizes the value of prayer, it would be really good, I would say
to honor him and just say, you know, mashallah, the Father, the
being the Imam of a family, it would be really nice. If you could
lead us in prayers. Why don't you and tell your boys go ask Baba,
can you please lead us in prayer, because you're the man of the
house. You know, sometimes men need to be reminded of their
incredible role in the family, you know, and it's really good for
them to hear that. And even if they're not doing all five
prayers, just to have that support and recognition from the children
for you, to honor him to honor his place as the leader of the
household, in even in spiritual matters, even if he's, you know,
personally weak in certain areas, you just keep reminding him, this
is your role, it was part that was giving it to you, we recognize
that we honor you, this is a Do you see that? What that would do
for him as thing, because every father wants their children,
obviously, to look at them in that way, right? To be the hero, right?
And every mother and mother, we all want that. But it's important
sometimes to gently tactfully beautifully, send those little
reminders and not to say, you don't even pray, I wouldn't come
from that place of negativity. It's never gonna work, right? I'm
sure you don't do that. But a lot of times, sometimes we can give
into our feelings in the moment, right, and it doesn't work. But
trying the opposite. Whenever you give anything to someone who
reminder, packaging is so important. And I say this all the
time. I'm a true believer, and I've done it, I've seen it, I've
been a witness to it for many years, that you can relay a
message to anybody as long as you're very careful in how you
package it. That's why words matter. Tone matters, timing
matters. You have to be considerate and that empathy being
an empath is being so aware of the other person's just who they are.
And we're going to kind of talk about that a little bit, that you
can tailor whatever you want to say to them, as opposed to just
dropping them off. You know, and a lot of times, sometimes our
communication styles like that, I feel something I just need to drop
it, you know, without giving any consideration is it going to be
received, the way you want it to be received? So I think in this
situation, just gently, sort of beautifully reminding him of his
role as the man inviting him to lead the prayer, one or two, you
know, whichever prayer that you can, is a good start. And just
continuing to nurture that, you know, in sha Allah, no, of course.
Yes.
Question. Prayer, so
much
at home. So in general,
mostly in the last few seasons.
It's been curious, there's a recreation and a way for men to
take the tray, like go to the masjid and play alone versus
staying at home and pray in congregation with your family,
to the ministry all together. Right. That's an excellent
question, Michelle. And I think, you know, I mean, the live I would
say every prayer maybe would would require its own you know, response
like if there's certain prayers that are easy for you to come to
the masjid and do and it's facilitated for you. And it kind
of works out you know, that your family, you know, either is with
you or is at home, but it's sort of easy. That's That's it would be
recommended.
Basically to come to the masjid as often as possible. But if you're,
it's a hardship for you and you're kind of forcing yourself or it's
like causing extra stress just to get to the masjid. And then
there's other duties at home, that also needs to be taken care of.
And I remember a long time ago, there was a situation where a
sister would complain, because she had little ones, you know, and
they needed milk and they needed groceries, they needed stuff. But
the husband was such a stickler about praying all the prayers at
the masjid, that he was abandoning his duties and home to get you
know, to do that, and in that case, that would be blamed more
than your rights. You have to fulfill your rights to your
family, but if those things are met, Inshallah, and then you're
able to and it's not going to cause problems for for your wife
and for your family and shuttler why not? Of course because it's
best, especially for the brothers we know the Hadith, there's more
reward inshallah for praying at the masjid. So, yes, Inshallah, I
think that would be recommended that just a small quote, question,
shut out your opinion.
I see there's a big division in terms of bringing your kids to the
street, some people say cashiers great, and then some people say,
almost It's haram, because they're very distracting. So I'm just
curious. Yeah, I mean, I, I love kids. And I, you know, I, to me,
that's, I feel like the machine, especially in this day and age, we
have to do our, like, due diligence to create as many
beautiful memories and bonds with the rest of the weekend. And that
should start off, you know, when they're younger, then people might
disagree with me. But I think as long as you have, you know, speak
to your children and teach them the edit of the mess should teach
them that, you know, it's there's certain spaces that might be okay
to play around and be with your friends, and you know, have fun.
But other times, for example, as soon as the prayer starts, you
know, have them pray with you. So hopefully, that should resolve the
distraction during the prayer time, right. But being very clear
about the rules, like when the first starts, or if there's a
speaker, if there's a program happening, you have to play
quietly or go somewhere else, but not kind of having I think this
just free attitude that the mesh is like a playground, I would say
not to do that. But also not to say not to not to bring them at
all, those are two different extremes that I think we can, the
medium is very simple, and Chatelet bring them because we
want to create those bonds with them. And you know, and have them
love the space, but at the same time with their age appropriately
explaining to them the boundaries what they can and they can't do.
And if you find it's difficult, maybe they're too young, you know
that some and I, I wouldn't say not to fault them for that because
children are children. And it's terrible that people get to this
place of yelling at children and shaming children out of Allah. May
Allah make us ever do that. Because they're in the world of
imagination. They're endowed with a world of play. And they're just
being children. But we can we can ourselves because we know our kids
best determine if maybe it's too soon, and hold off and bring them
to programs or prayers later, but not to have this fear of Oh,
someone's going to scold me know, the Masjid isn't how some of us
have had that every single one of us have a hack to it. It's your
space as much as it is mine. And nobody should ever make you feel
like you're not welcome here, even if you bring your children but I
think you know how to other all of us should take into consideration
the other congregants and then realize that if our children
maybe, again too young and too lively and rambunctious that maybe
hold off until they're until later, inshallah.
So we're just for those who are walking and we're doing a quick
read, you know, this can manifest in a few different ways. A
obviously trying our best to know him and studying him and study how
he was so that we can emulate him, right? So we have to know the
problem. So I saw them you it's hard to say we'll follow the
process. And if you don't have deep knowledge of what that means,
what does that mean? Right? It just it means to really look at
how he conducted himself how he lived, how he existed, how he
treated other people, his mannerisms, His disposition, and
try your best to to emulate that as best as possible on Friday, you
know, we were here I was here filling in for Dr. Rania. And we
took that time to talk about a very famous Hadith that I
personally love that I just feel is just summarizes so many things
that we can all learn from. So I'll just go ahead and read that
here for us as well just so for us to reflect on. So. So now it said
with the prophesies that he said about the prophets I said in the
following, he said he was always cheery of disposition, easygoing
and compassionate. He was not Moorish, or course, raucous or
vulgar or critical, he did not overpraise or jest, and he will
ignore that which he disliked.
He would not dash the hopes of anyone who hoped for something
from him. And they would not be disappointed. He withheld from
himself three things, debate, access, and that which did not
concern him, and he withheld from the people three things, he would
never criticize or disparage anyone, he would not seek to shame
anyone. And he would not speak about anything unless he hoped to
be rewarded by a lot for it. Okay, so this is, again, just a summary.
And you can get a pretty good image and picture of how the
promise I sort of was right, just that easy going cheerful part.
First of all, as parents, think about that, how are you as a
parent? Are you an easygoing, compassionate, cheerful parent? Or
are you the opposite, Moorish, vulgar, critical, take yourself
into account, because if you think being you know, and I know, it's
praised a lot in this culture, and there's, you know, good and bad
and everything, but the model that's gotten a lot of popularity
is Tiger parenting, you know, model, where it's just like being
emotionally sort of cut off very critical, high expectations, high
standards. And not to say there's wrong anything wrong with having
high expectations and high standards. But I think even just
the image of a tiger parent is to me a conflict. Because it's very
aggressive to me, right? It's very harsh. It's a it's just, it's not
a something that I would, in any way, associate with the parenting
model that we're taught, right? The parenting model, the prophesy
son, who was very gentle, right? And so I think we can take the
good from all of these things that we might find, okay, well, I like
this aspect of it. But if it becomes a way in which we engage
our children, where we're just emotionally cut off, and we don't
ever recognize their good, even if they're doing amazing work, where
it's just never, you know, they get a minuses, why isn't that a
plus? You know, that kind of attitude? I don't, I don't think
that's in line
with with the way with a prophetic model, which is to be again,
easygoing, and compassionate understanding and to be balanced,
right? So you kind of have to just take yourself into account how,
what is my rapport with my children? Do they feel a deep
affection is very important? Are you affectionate with your
children? Or are you just kind of you know, because it's not easy
for you, it's not comfortable for you, maybe you weren't raised with
an overly affectionate parent? So you're kind of just Yes, you know,
you kind of, you know, everything's very, very minimal in
that regard, or maybe non existent? These are all things we
have to hold ourselves to account for. Yes. So like,
living like where we do, especially in the Bay Area, I feel
like everything is very competitive. Yes. And to keep your
kids at that high standard, while what you and I mean, we always try
to, like, you know, give them that affection, and that love and that
love and all that stuff. But it's hard sometimes to find that
balance between keeping them up to par. Also, like, you know, can you
elaborate on that? Sure. No, I agree with you that we are in a
very highly competitive area and time, you know, there's just,
it's, there's a lot of pressure on students. But I think checking in
emotionally and just being available emotionally, is the
remedy of that I don't think we should necessarily, like I said,
lower the standards in terms of, especially education. And, you
know, that is important, and we talked about this having high
standards as Muslims is important, we should be trying to always do
our best and everything. So I don't think we need to compromise
that. But it's a matter of the tone that I'm speaking about,
right. So as long as we're emotionally still giving and
loving, and understanding, like if your child didn't do well on
something, instead of immediately reacting to the disappointment of,
you know, the grade that they received, and blaming and shaming
and getting them angry, which I know a lot of parents do, because
they're you know, they're in mode, they're, they're just thinking
immediately of the repercussions, right? A bad grade A bad test
score is gonna affect GPA, it's gonna affect college applications.
And it's, it's just too much stress that we think about right?
So we immediately go to that negative place but instead really
being emotionally connected to your child to say wait a second,
what happened? You know, maybe I need to support you more you know,
maybe your load is high maybe you need a tutor maybe you need
something to really but that type of personal fun, right and just
being willing to be compassionate before you immediately get to a
negative place I think is how you react Yes, your reactions your
tone, the and pausing before you I mean, I think the reaction is, is
something that we talked about temperaments which we'll inshallah
go over quickly here, but it's helpful to know your own
temperament and your children's temperament to kind of figure out
the health
The rhythm, right, because some children don't respond well to
that critical, you know, hyper critical parenting style, and you
might actually shut them down. Whereas others have high, you
know, their high achievers are high, they kind of are pushed by
that almost. So it's really important to be well versed in
this for yourself, and your children to know what's the
appropriate model, or style for each child, you know, we talked
about that, too, every child is different. And you have to be so
in tune with your children based on their temperament, their
personality type,
to know how to communicate things, effectively for them. But the one
size fits all model of parenting, or if I'm just, this is who I am.
And you have to accommodate, you know, that is I think, what I have
a problem with what I'm trying to address, like it's negative, it's
it causes problems and other areas. So in sha Allah just being
gentle, and that's why I think, again, when we're studying the
processes example, I'm we're setting a Sita, it's very clear
that in so many ways, and we're just reading through this, it's
always about balance, right? He didn't overpraise that's really
important too, because you don't want to be the opposite, where
your children are making huge mistakes, but then you're so
afraid of not pushing them away, that you gloss over everything,
and you look over everything, and you give them passes. And a lot of
parents do that, too, they're so afraid that I'm gonna lose my
children, they're not gonna love me anymore. So they overlook
everything. So the balance is that important part here, right? Being
in trying to find that.
Like, so.
Usually how it works in our families, like, you know, my
husband is more authoritarian, he kind of gives them that a little
bit of the hardness, yes. And then I follow through with like, being
a little bit more gentle with them. And when I work with them,
I'll kind of, you know, you know, try to like, calm what he's what
the way he is down. Personality, he's a little stronger, right. And
he's, you know, he loves his kids, he does his best to, like, you
know, give him affection as well. But like, when he's in that mode,
that's like how he is he's very authoritative. And so when I, you
know, he sends me back them back to me. And he's like, you know,
can you work with them on something? Right? So, I tried to
do it with more like, is that okay? Like that? Absolutely. And
this is why when you do this, the study of Personality Typing, even
with your kids, it's so helpful. Because what you do is you
actually explain that mommy style is this way, Bob is this way. But
what it does is just kind of, you know, it validates everybody's
personality differences. And it also lets children or not to take
things personal, right? Because if they feel like they're being
targeted, because, you know, mom was so critical, or and then mommy
sort of, you know what I mean? They've kind of gives them I
think, a false impression of what's really happening. It's not
a target a personal attack on anybody, because that's when
feelings get hurt. And then there's all these miscommunication
miscommunication, right? But when you explain that, listen, we're
all very different, and we have different styles. And that when
Bob was speaking this way to you, it's because this is literally,
and then you kind of, that's why I love, you know, encouraging
families to do just together, because you're giving, you're
defining things that are kind of either misunderstood or just not
really understood at all. And you're giving words to it, right?
So it's like when you see certain behaviors, now you can identify
that as Oh, like, for example, I mean, when we get to the
temperance, I'll explain better. But like, if you see a choleric
approach, temperament type is someone who's very reactive,
right. And so, if you if they have an intense reaction to something,
so if your husband's let's just say, for the sake of this
discussion, if he is a color personality type, and he would be
very reactive and critical and harsh, right. But if your children
know that, oh, okay, that's just a part of like, Bob was personality
type that emerges when certain things happen. But internally,
he's also the, these are all the other positive qualities that Baba
has, right? Then it kind of helps them understand. Again, that's
just who he is. And it's who how he operates. But I'm not gonna sit
here and think he's just being mean to me, right? Because it's
unfortunately, the child's mind, if they don't understand, they'll
take it personally. And then all of a sudden, it can fracture their
relationship with him. And then that's where the imbalance comes
with you because there's more expectation from you, right? To
help them. And so you can just cause it kind of spirals, right?
But when we define these things, and actually give, you know,
again, clarity, it just helps children process things better. So
I have, you know, people that I know, for example, if they see
these personality types come out, they'll instead of labeling even
the child or the individual, they'll it's kind of like an
identity that they that within them and they'll go oh, so like,
Mr. Color is coming out now. Right? But it's just a way of
again, you know, kind of not teaching children that this is
just part of how a human being, you know, these are, we have a
design element to our personality type and and if you
see that it's okay. Just kind of remember the their good
intentions. This is your father, obviously, he loves you, He cares
about you. And you know, don't don't take it. So personally, he's
like that was everybody's like that at work just like that was
me. You know, it's sort of like, okay, I understand, right. So
that's why the typing, or the temperament testing is so
important. And we talked about that, the last one. So if you
haven't had a chance to see the, the video that MCC posted that's
inshallah it should show the process of following his so not
following his ways. First, that has to start with Siena studying
and writing, studying his story, setting his life setting
everything about him. And so there's different resources we can
do that with, we can actually study his see the intact we can
study His attributes through the Shema, and what his physical
attributes we can study his characteristics, his qualities and
other ways. All the others, the texts, call it by body of code
that shipped back. So there's different resources that actually
give you real in depth analysis of how you once you can do that self
study, or study with with your family and just really bring
everybody again to the same understanding of how he was and
then start really taking yourself into account by how are we
emulating his example. So making that important, and then the daily
doors that he's left for us, it's very important that we all do our
doors from the morning, when we wake up, and we open our eyes,
there's no, before we enter the restroom, before we get dressed
for work, or school, teaching our children all of these things is a
good way again, to connect our heart to follow as I said, Because
he left those boxes for us. So making sure again, this is part of
how our family what our family does the routine right of our day.
And then Friday should be a really special day. You know, I know it's
hard because many parents work. But for the parents that are at
home, or at least get to see their children during the day before the
day is over the entire Thursday night until the evening of Friday
is the day of Jamaat right? During that time, there should be a
celebratory sort of feel in the home because you know, the Hadith
Fridays the Eat of the believer, right? So we should treat Friday
as a special day and really try to do things together. So whether
that's Sun wax on Thursday night, some extra prayers or having, you
know, maybe a class on students going over a particular Hadith,
doing something that honors the prophesy. So these are really
important practices that we can all encourage together again, and
I hope the theme that of doing things as a unit is really getting
across because I want that, to be clear. Everything we're talking
about isn't just individual study or assignments that you get to
your kids, or it's like here, do you know color this don't one of
the promises of this question, or work on this workbook or work on
this worksheet? No, it's about sitting together as a family and
actually having real in real time discussions and honoring the
prophesy said that way. And then these are other principles that we
should all have understand which again, we're just doing a review
that said and it's gone which are excellence, right spiritual
excellence, meticulousness and thought and thoroughness. So
making sure that when we are teaching our children about how to
be just how do we exist, that they understand this concept of Sn, to
try to also always strive for spiritual excellence or excellence
in everything, excellence in their work excellence in how they take
care of themselves, hygiene, personal hygiene, they should be
clean, our children should be taught from a very young age to
take their cleanliness, serious, right? To not walk around. And,
you know, you see it all the time, kids with like, dirty long nails,
you know, or like just food all over their face and clothing, we
should teach our children to not be comfortable. It's not part of
our tradition to do that we cleanliness is very, very
important. But this is all from a young age, you can teach this
right. And then in their work in their schoolwork and anything they
do in their chores, to not do things. Again, just half
heartedly, not really wanting to do it feeling it's a burden, and
they give you the bare minimum effort. This is something we
shouldn't stand for if they do something wrong. Ask them to
repeat it at a higher standard if they don't know how to take the
time to teach them. Because if you let these things go, you create
habits that will effect their spiritual practice, if they become
people or individuals that don't have a high standard for
themselves. Why would we expect them to be, you know, saintly in
their prayers or have you know, high sort of achievements in terms
of their spiritual efforts there, they're going to fall short there
too, because they've never been, you know, pushed to try to achieve
better. Okay, so making sure they understand that and get the fuck
out of the double, which is to reflect, to contemplate on the
consequences of things. We should teach them these
words. So these words we should know, we should know them as
vocabulary words from our dean, and teach them the concepts to
their chil our children to actually reflect is to go outside
to look at, you know, almost process creation, to think about
what's happening in the world, globally, everything, not just in
your own bubble, but to think about the bigger picture. And then
to also weigh the consequences of things to understand that every
single action has a consequence to it. And when you teach your kids
to do that thought process early, then you're building their
conscience, right, you're helping them build their conscience, which
obviously we want them to have, as Muslims, we want them to be able
to, like, really sit there and instead of us telling them right
and wrong all the time, that when we're not with them, that they
know what not to do, that they know what to do and what not to
do. If we're not with them, and they're hanging out with their
friends. If you build their conscience enough, Inshallah, if
the prayer time comes in, they're going to remember and even if they
have to be that one that says, Hey, guys, I got to stop playing
football or soccer, we're on the court, we're having fun, but it's
prayer time. Right? If they have to be the one to do it, they will
do it because you've wired them to build to have this awareness to
reflect and to wait consequences of things. So it's very important
to gauge and then maraca to meditate, right to watch over your
spiritual heart, to really just think about, you know, whatever
you need to do individually and to teach your children some kids
respond well to doing VIP kid, some kids like to pray some kids
like to read or write. So whatever it is, yes.
Wipe themselves out. So what you're saying is together, yes.
Just as adults and parents in our household
are really
explicit
about how we're going to come into our home training. Yes. And
raising our children. That's just not it's not accidental.
Absolutely, just as most of them but there are goals really 100%.
Yes.
It is hard to do that. Right. It's not impossible, but you have that
there has to be this. It has to be like, you know,
because I've been for kids and sends mixed messages. And it's
hard for them to understand, you know, like one thing, it's okay to
do this. With this other. Man. I agree. Gold makes a lot. But what
does it impact? If, if I told you last year the impact is alive on
us, right? That's the best quote unquote, seller. You know what I
mean? Absolutely. Out of salon, and then we're barking or we're
doing whatever. As adults, we don't even apologize. So I've
chosen the wrong, right. You know, so things like that. But I just
saw again, just, you know, in terms of collective, yes, um, but
also, I think, a collective mindset? Absolutely. Well, you
know, absolutely. Not just like, Okay, you're 100%, right, we need
to and that's why parents need to be on the same page, even if, like
I said, they're on spiritual, different, spiritually different
courses, they have to see the common mutual benefit of being on
the same page when it comes to raising their children. And not to
do that the whole thing where I was, you know, I don't know if you
walked in a little late, but I addressed that if you're not doing
what you need to be doing spiritually. And you think that
because of that, you shouldn't have any part in the spiritual
welfare of your children. That's it. That's not That's not right.
Even if you're weak in certain areas, your priority should be to
do the best by your children. Right? And not to say, just like I
said, you know, as far as health or other areas of concern, we
don't do that whole thing. Like, what it's a reflection, right. So
as parents, you need to come together have a very serious
conversation, like, listen, wherever we are individually on
our path, that's between us and Allah, May Allah guide us to
whatever, which is best. But when it comes to our children, can we
please have the united front? Can we please have united way of
parenting them when it comes to their spiritual practice and all
of these things, because we have to do right by them, we have to
give them the best, right? And if we're going to shortchange
ourselves on our own souls that's on us, but we shouldn't let that
you know, affect our way of parenting our children. It's
irresponsible to do that. And I think that kind of also does take
some pressure off even maybe secular parents or parents who are
just not religious at all because they realize you know, what, fine
for me myself, I mean, unless they completely don't believe and
you're really dealing with a different set of issues. But if
they are, you know, humble, they recognize that they're nominally
or at least you know, in practice in some areas are Muslim, but they
have short, you know, comings where they're weak in certain
areas. I hope that by having a really important discussion with
the spouse who maybe is the more active one, that they will see the
benefit of just abandoning their own individual you
You know, perspectives or opinions on certain things, and just
saying, it's about the best for the children, and whatever is the
best for the children I'm going to do. So I'm going to support them
praying five times a day, I'm going to encourage them to pray,
because I have friends who are, you know, married to people who
are not Muslim, but it's anonymous from parents who will tell that
their children go prey, right? It's an animal school parents who
recognize the value for their children to be doing these things,
even though they don't do it themselves. So this is really
good. You know, this is the kind of mindset we should have. And,
and that's where I hope that by attending these types of programs
together, right, we can kind of come together, couples can come
together with, you know, some some mutually understood and accepted
agreement about how to do this. But you're right, there's, you
know, there's definitely you need a collective mindset in order for
this to succeed. And so that is, you know, the starting ground, if
you feel like your spouse might be, you know, just, it's gonna be
difficult for you, then present this to them. Like, listen, I want
to start doing things differently. Because our children's souls are
at stake here, you know, the world outside wants to devour literally,
our children's souls. I mean, they're ready, it's ready. It's
just everything's already in place. You know, from from
everything you see, in social media, and media in general, and
just the society on the side, the, you know, the spiritual health of
the child matters very little. They're just consumers. And that's
all they aren't to the world outside. So if you really
recognize that, then hopefully, as parents, you'll come together and
Shawa and see what can we do to protect our children, and we need
to have a united front. So let's start implementing these different
things. And then, you know, take pace yourself, and this is can't
be done overnight. If you're not doing it. It's not something that
you can just, you know, instantly have everything a certain way it
has to be done by priority. And priority is the prayers are
absolutely priority. Connecting with the prompts license.
Absolutely. These are things that's why thank you. Thank you
for your comment.
And so the last point here is Maha Sabha you know, self inventory,
again, taking yourself into account teaching your children to
do this every day. And this can be done as a, as a, you know, as a
dinner discussion, even you know, where everybody kind of looks back
at their day and says, What was your you know, high point, what
did you do today? That was a good thing that you're proud of? And is
there anything that you did that you weren't proud of, and seeing
what what sharing, you know, happens this is, communication is
just so important. And I think I read something recently about
children and how, you know, the different distractions they have,
whether it's television, or social media, and part of the study also
accounted for the time that they spent having serious
conversations, conversations with their parents. And it was less
than, I think it was less than five minutes for sure, maybe three
minutes of actual conversation with their parents on a day to day
basis, as opposed to hours on line, playing video games,
watching TV socializing with our friends. So if you're thinking
like you think about what kind of influence could you possibly have
with your children, if you're barely speaking to them for five
minutes a day, and then they have all these other influences. So
when you have these types of practices in place, they force you
to do things together, they force you to look at each other, to have
conversations to actually connect emotionally with each other, so
that you're not just strangers that live in the same home, right,
and you eat the same meals, but you actually are communicating
about what's happened to you on a daily basis. So that's why these
are so important. Now, just to kind of move quickly, again,
because we have more content to cover. So you know, again, two
other concepts that I
felt were really important is teaching our children how to
protect their heart by a being simple in their generosity, okay?
Because a lot of times, children, mashallah, they do have good
natures, and they can be very giving, you know, they want to be
accepted by their peers, they want friends, they want everybody to
love them. So they might give too much of themselves of their,
whatever it is, they have their possessions, their money, their
wealth, you see kids getting taken advantage of a lot. So we have to
teach our children. Obviously, generosity is very important in
our faith, but to be you know, prudent in our generosity to be
wise and to not feel that you have to always please every single
person and give every single thing to you know, to everyone around
you, but to just kind of again, so that the second practices and if
you emulate that, then they can follow obviously your lead, but
just having them you know, learn that and then also very important
is to mind their own business. I think a lot of kids just
Actually, when you reach a Junior High in high school ages, they get
in trouble a lot because they're, they haven't been wired to just be
like, I'm staying out of that, you know,
it because everything in this society is about wanting to know,
you know, we live in a, you know, tabloid society where it's very
gossip and like wanting to know everybody's business and now with
like social media and like, you know, these instant videos, and
everybody's got quick little, you know, whether it's memes, or
whatever it is, up within two seconds, when something happens,
it's just this, this, this need to know everything, but you have to
teach your children and you also also have to, again, practice this
yourself, that I'm not going to care about things that don't have
to do with me, and I'm going to turn that just mechanism off,
like, I'm just, I'm not interested. And, and so when
they're at school, and if their kid friends are getting into
something, or something's happening, there's a fight or
whatever it is, I mean, kids, you know, they get riled up very
easily. But if they're again, no, like, no, no, that's trouble, I
don't want to be I don't want to go down that road, but inshallah
it'll protect them. But these have to be things again, you talk about
as concepts, because if you're just saying, you know, just saying
it, like mind your own business, without connecting it to the
spiritual like this are heavy, you know, the prophets have taught us
these concepts. Why? Let's have a discussion about it. Why do you
think he would explicitly tell us, right? I mean, what's the Islamic?
Why would you tell us that the excellence part of the excellence
of a person's Islam is my is leaving that which does not
concern us? What do you think, what's the benefit of that? Right,
and then kind of letting that get into a family discussion, letting
it sink in, so that, again, you're planting these ideas, the seeds
for them, so that when they're in facing a situation, hopefully,
Inshallah, we can only pray that it wakes them up, you know, and
that's the thing is that we have to know, we don't control
outcomes, we talked a lot about that, during the first session, we
just can control what we do, whatever happens is the last point
that but what we can do as parents is do our best to protect them,
right? So teaching them these concepts now. And then we went
over leadership basics in Islam, which we're gonna get to in a
little bit, I'm going to repeat this slide. So and then we talked
about the power of five. So this is, you know, again, something for
all of us to just remember and to know, well, that there's this
magic ratio, according to experts called the five to one ratio, and
it's a ratio of positive to negative comments. So if you can
keep your positive to negative comment ratio to five to one, this
is a very healthy standard for any relationship, whether it's your
marriage or your relationship with your children. But if you, you
know, are more critical or more negative, then you're, you know,
you're you're, you're setting yourself up for a lot of problems,
because it's going to build resentment. And eventually, it
might just to cause cause irreparable damage to your
relationships. So you really want to, again, hold yourself
accountable as a parent, how positive Am I, you know, as a
spouse, when I come in home after a long day's work, am I
immediately negative and just waiting to get this done? Why
didn't get that done? Do I hear that from my kids a lot, that I'm
always annoyed and cranky and upset? Or why am I so mad all the
time? Or my spouse? Do I hear that if you're hearing that, this is
where you have to take yourself into account, how can I change, so
just remember, five to one, hold yourself accountable. And then we
talked about the five love languages. So again, very
important for all of us to, to study, this is a book I can't
remember if it's Chapman, or John Gray and element is John Gray, is
Chapman of each other. Thank you that he wrote this book on The
Five Love Languages. And this is very helpful, because you need to
know how you want you love how you want to be loved, and teach that
to your spouse, first and foremost, and then your children
and also learn how they want to be loved. Because it's important, not
everybody loves the same we don't communicate exactly the same. And
this is why really getting in touch with yourself is so
important in terms of knowing who you are, what your needs are,
which is what the theme of our conversation will be today and
show a little bit more on this. So you know, then we talked about the
temperaments, the four temperaments and Islam we kind of
went through this, I'm just going to again, go through this quickly
because this is a lot of this content is available on the
previous video, you can go through it. But we talked about this
ancient science or the four temperaments that was founded by
Hippocrates, the father of modern medicine, and later developed by
Galen, another Greek philosopher, and then even Siena, and they had
this idea basically that human behavior can be determined based
on different fluids and the balances of different fluids in
the system. And so if you take a test, it'll help you determine
what your temperament
is and then it identifies different characteristics and
qualities of each temperament. I know the slides that are really
small. But the four temperaments are the first one is a choleric is
an intense sort of personality type. They're type a very high
achieving people high standards, very reactionary extroverted. And
so they have, you know, good positive and negative qualities,
but it's, you know, they like to have it their way they like
control. So again, you should know, is this who I am is kind of
relate to me and like, the type of person that really does like to
have things set my way. And it's hard for me to give up control to
other people. And if I'm reactionary, you're likely a
choleric, okay.
Excuse me, then we have sanguine, which is also an extroverted
personality type, but they're a little different. They're
reactionary, but they're more of the bubbly life of the party, very
popular, they just really liked connecting with people, they're
chatty. They're always, you know, just kind of always in a good
mood, it seems like okay. And so again, they popularity and being
well known and well liked is really important for them. So if
you're a people pleaser, if you're just always eager, and the one
that says yes to everybody's requests, and you're always
available to help people, then you're likely are a sanguine,
especially if you have that really cheerful disposition that we
talked about earlier. So again, knowing this for yourself, and
then trying to figure out who everybody is in the family is also
very helpful. But there's actual tests, you know, we're just kind
of going over and summarizing these things quickly. But there
are tests to help you determine what you are, then we have
phlegmatic, these are more peace loving, very calm energy people,
they just like, you know, harmony, they're very relationship
oriented, they're not very reactionary at all, they're kind
of the more subdued passive personality type, okay? And it
takes time for them to, to, you know, confront issues and problems
are not like the type that are, you know, going to take things on
head on, they need to process very thoughtful people. Okay. And then
the last one is the melancholic, these are your introverted, highly
analytical, very pragmatic, black and white world, you know, you
either it's right or wrong, you know, and they can be very, very
critical.
And they're hard to kind of open up emotionally, it's not easy for
them. So they can be an enigma, it's very hard to figure them out.
So if you or your spouse was like that, again, it's good to know
this, because it can help you determine what areas you might
need to work on. Because it's not to say that just because these are
your this is your temperament. That said, you just accept it
know, every single one of us from a spiritual perspective has our
own, which I hate that right, our own struggle, and our struggle
individually, is to better ourselves to make ourselves in
line with the prophesy centum, whatever that means, whether it's
working on the diseases of the heart, are working on, again,
looking at the way that we engage with other people, if people like
we talked about this on Friday, too. But if you walk into a room,
and you have a heaviness, and a constricting presence, you're not
warm and welcoming, you can be cold, and people might have told
you that that you're very cold, and you're just seeing, you know,
like, you're just not you don't have that warmth, this is
something that you want to work on. It's not You shouldn't be
like, well, it's just who I am, no, because it's not in line with
the promise license exam. And his example is what we're all supposed
to try to come, you know, to meet with Trevor, you are in this, you
know, spectrum, we all have something to work on. And so we
have to recognize where we are, though first, and then we can
recognize where we have to go right what we have to do to get
there. So this is very important to take these tests. And you can
find them online, there's a book I recommended, called the
temperament that God gave you. And you can look it up in the library,
there's, you know, copies of Barnes and Noble if you just want
to skim through it first, or purchase it right away from
Amazon, or whatever your options are, where you prefer. But there's
tests in that book, and there's also online tests that you can
take that help you determine your temperament, and then help you
with your children. Now, this is a study that I would say, don't just
keep it to yourself, you have to share it with your family. Have
your spouse take the test, have each child take the test. Yes,
even younger children can take the test, you can help them take it
out. It's just a questionnaire. But what that does is it gives you
something to work with because now I understand Wow, okay, if I'm a
choleric, and everybody else is a melancholic, for example, wow,
that's pretty serious, you know, intense personality types that we
all have in the home. No wonder maybe sometimes our conversations
are hard, right? Or if you have, your sanguine and you're just
always chipper and happy and you're dealing with a spouse who's
just very serious and not easy to connect.
Do with and you're like, Man, I can't No matter what I do,
everybody loves me, I love everybody, but this can't get
through to him or her, then this again, it helps to, for you to
realize, like, you know what, don't take it personally, it's not
that he doesn't or she doesn't love you, it just might very well
be that this is their personality type and that you have to now work
with it. And there are ways you know, to or areas where you can
study further to figure out how can we
work better when we have different, conflicting or
completely oppositional personality types. So this is sort
of a summary of, again, our last session now for today. You know,
again, because we're talking about
you know, that list that I kind of skim through the four I want to go
back to that real quick, but before we get there, in the very
first session, we talked about this hadith Kulu. Qumran will
Kulu. comas own Andhra yet, okay, this is a Hadith of the prophets.
I said, I'm very important that you, you know, this hadith, okay.
It's very, it's longer, but the short of it is right there, every
one of you is a shepherd, and is responsible for his or her flock.
We talked about this because this hadith is, is in my opinion, and
I'm sure many people would agree is is I think the best analogy for
parenting. Okay, because it talks about shepherding
the idea that the shepherd, what is what does the shepherd do? What
is their objective, right? The shepherds sole objective is to do
three things, to nurture,
to guide and to protect their flock, right? Is that not the
objective of all of us, as parents don't we want those things, three
things to nurture, to guide and to protect our children. So in every
way, when you look at the behavior, the actions, the the
tasks of a shepherd, they're very similar to that of a parent. And
we kind of dissected this very thoroughly looking at, you know,
just the way that Shepherd walks his staff, we kind of picked each
part of the shepherd, and went into what that means. And we
concluded that these objectives that he, excuse me, these things
that the shepherd aims for, to nurture, guide and protect, can be
achieved only through or not only, but but through three key
objectives, which are what control, okay, through education,
and skills. So if you want to do if you want to nurture, guide and
protect your children, you need to establish control. First, you need
to know what you're doing Shepherd doesn't walk out there, without
knowing how animals behave without knowing more how to feed them how
to, you know, protect them, you need to acquire knowledge, right?
Then reach and this is done through communication and
creativity, and then safety. And that's done through planning and
precaution. So as parents, we're going to talk about how, what the
what these three objectives mean. So we're kind of in these first
few sessions, focusing on that first objective, which is control.
And establishing control. All of us are here, obviously, because we
want to be more effective in our parenting. We were having these
discussions because we want we're, you know, we're we want to hold
ourselves and Chatelet to a higher standard, and learn how to do
things better. And so this is where education matters, we have
to start with education, right and learning about personality, human
behavior, temperaments, child children, how children behave,
right, the needs of children.
And then also, obviously, from a spiritual perspective, what our
rights and obligations are, we're trying to understand all of that.
And then we're looking at different parenting models,
different psycho psychological tools that are out there. So we're
in the education phase right now. So these workshops right now,
that's what we're doing. And so for today, I wanted to talk about
this, you know, the slide that I had before about leadership basics
in Islam. So if we recognize, right for effective parenting, we
we need to understand from again, going back to education, you can't
be an effective parent, if you're not an effective leader, right? If
you don't know how to lead, you're not going to be able to be a
parent, because parenting is literally leader bleeding. That's
what you're doing. But so what are the goals, the ones that are
underlined are what we're going to talk about today, understanding
ourselves, well, our own needs, understanding the other people in
our care, well, that includes your spouses and your children. And
then there needs so these four areas are where all of us should
be right now. If especially if you're attending these sessions,
Inshallah, your objectives, as I said, are clear. So you should be
in this mode of trying to figure out yourself first, okay. And I
know when you think of parenting, it's like immediately we want to
jump into children. Yeah, that's important. But again, it's so much
related to us and as individuals, if we're not clear on who we are,
how do we possibly understand our children?
to read and then effectively lead that if we're neglecting
ourselves. We don't we're not, you know, in tune with who we are. So
it has to start with itself. And of course, you know, this is
another, you know, Maxim in our tradition and automotive sort of a
bubble whoever knows their their neffs well, right themselves,
well, they'll know Allah subhanaw taala. Well, so if we want to
spiritually develop and become better, we have to start with self
knowledge. Okay, so let's just get into the discussion. Do you know
what you need? If I asked you what does any human being need to
survive? What would you say?
Depends, basically, on the basic, basic survival needs of a human
are what?
Food, water, shelter air, right? I mean, air handling, we're feeling
that right now. Are we not? Right? We're in a situation where so pal,
I'm sure, maybe it's been a long time since many of us made some
serious sugar for clean air. Right? Right. But that's something
we take advantage of, or we take for granted. You know, we we don't
realize what a nightmare it is to have clean air. But now that we're
breathing through masks and coughing every two seconds, we
suddenly are aware of that, right? So these are very basic human
needs. That was pretty easy to figure out. Right? We all need
shelter. We all need food, water, air, we need love. Right? But what
about thriving? What does a human being needed to thrive to become
their best optimum self?
Okay.
Is there a correlation? I'm sorry? So security, a sense of security?
Very good. Hamdulillah? Yes, absolutely. And obviously, from a
spirit, a spiritual perspective. I mean, if you want to thrive or
succeed, you cannot do that without nurturing. Right? Your
connection with a wasp panda. I mean, that's for us should be very
clear. The measure of success, according to our tradition, is
right, it starts and ends right there. Where are you with Allah
subhanho wa taala. Right. So if you want to see yourself reach
your highest potential, you can't do that if you're only focusing on
material wealth and gain or other things, right? It has to be done
through that process of it to really work on my relationship
with Allah subhanaw taala. And if as long as I'm focused there, and
I'm committed there, and I've proven myself there, in sha Allah,
that's the measure of success, right? That's the ultimate. We
should be clear on that. So let's you know, this is a quote from
Maslow. Okay, and I wanted to just read this quote. So for the man
who was extremely and dangerously hungry, no other interests exist,
but food, life itself tends to be defined in terms of eating,
anything else will be defined as unimportant, freedom, love,
community feeling respect, philosophy may always be waved
aside as fripperies, which are useless since they fail to fill
the stomach. Such a man may fairly be said to live by bread alone.
But what happens to a man's desire when there is plenty of bread and
when his belly is chronically filled, at once other and higher
needs emerge, and these rather than physiological hungers
dominate the organism, and when these in turn are satisfied,
again, new and still higher needs emerge and so on. This is what we
mean by saying that the basic human needs are organized into a
hierarchy of relative relative potency. Okay, so what is this,
this is again, in other words, in order for human beings, for us to
achieve higher, to aim higher, to feel more motivated towards being
better, we have to make sure that our innate needs are first
fulfilled, okay. And then so that's obvious, the food, shelter,
water, and then that gives us once those are fulfilled, it gives us
energy to motivate ourselves to seek out higher things. Okay. So
why is this important? Because when it comes to parenting, we
have to see where are we in terms of this hierarchy? What are we
type what where are we in terms of providing this first for
ourselves? And then for our children? Okay, so let's look. So
this is the hierarchy that he's outlined. So he it It starts from
the bottom so I wrote it in reverse, but it goes up. So
physiological needs must be met first, then safety, love,
belonging, esteem, and then self actualization. And that's like the
highest level when you've reached that place, that's when you become
your best version, okay? But in order to get there according to
this theory, you know, his his his idea is that you have to meet all
these other first so here's a visual for you. So
physiologically, if we can meet our basic needs
All right, then we're able to move past those needs. And we can focus
on the next set of needs, which are security, of employment, right
of resources, family health, prosperity, property. Now, I want
you to think if you are having problems in your home, in your
marriage, in your health, at work, do you see what happens is, you
get stuck, because your needs aren't being fulfilled. So when
you're stuck, it's hard to go to the next place. And so I want
every, every person in this is again, in order to to, in order
to, for us to, you know, see ourselves in this, but also look
at our homes, look at the people in our lives that that matter,
especially when it comes to marriage, we should look at your
spouse and see where are where am I versus where are they? Because
if you're having, you know, marital issues, and it's affecting
your house, and it's just causing a lot of problems, issues, what's
happening, why am I at some place that my spouse isn't there, or
vice versa, right. And so this kind of helps you understand that,
that if you are in a place, let's say, you are in a place of,
you know, self actualization, or you're just wanting to really
spiritually, you know, you have all these ambitions and goals or
take classes, you want to, you know, go on these incredible trips
you want to make home or you want to do has, you know, a lot of
there's couples, I've talked to several, where it's like, one is
on that trajectory, they just have such high aims and goals. And then
their spouse isn't quite there, right. And they're frustrated,
because it's like, you know, I want them to be there, they're not
listening. They don't, you know, they don't, they're not really
there. Maybe if you understand stood where there are with their
needs, it might give you some understanding and perspective,
maybe your needs are met, maybe it's time that you came from a
family and an upbringing where you were loved. Right? You had plenty
of security growing up, right, because we have to take these
things into consideration. If you come from a household where your
parents were together, and they were very affectionate, and your
siblings and everybody just super Lovey Dovey, and then you never
had to worry about your meals, and you know, everything was taken
care of, for you, you had, you know, a lot of privilege and
opportunity. And then you know, you obviously, I mean, look at
this, if you get all of these things, it leads to the next
level. So if you have safety, it leads to love and belonging. So
you have a lot of friends, your family relationships are secure,
everyone just started mashallah beautiful. And then that leads to
what higher self esteem, you're more confident, you're more, you
know, maybe outgoing, right? You're more social. Because your,
your confidence level has been facilitated with all these needs
being met. And so then that takes you to the next level where it's
like, Okay, kids are growing up. Now I want to develop myself, I
want to start taking classes, I want to do this, I want to find,
you know, there's people who are like that they're in this place,
but then they look at their spouse, spouse isn't quite there.
Right? spouse is still they're not, you know, maybe spiritually,
they're, they're negative, they're closed off emotionally. There's
some, let's get to the root of it. Where where's the disconnect? Have
you figuring out are their needs being met? So this is where you
have to look at yourself? Are my needs being met? Do I feel, you
know, safe and secure? Or am I worried about my home and having a
roof over my head, you know, paycheck to paycheck? I mean, if
you're living like that, especially here in the Bay Area,
that's gonna cause you a lot of stress, is it not? There's people
who are literally struggling, they don't know what if they're going
to have a job at the end of the week, or at the end of the month.
And then you have to worry about bills and kids school and all the
other stuff that, you know, payments and insurance and
everything else that people really, you know, worry about. So
how is that going to affect? Again, all these other areas and
parts of you that you want to obviously develop and you want to
become better and you want to improve on, but if you're stuck,
because a need isn't being met? Do you see how it's going to prevent
you from growth? So it's important to understand where your needs
are, and then to see how can we remedy that? What can we do
because if you're just expecting, sometimes I think we look at
people not you know, with with really true understanding, we just
look at them as as a whole. And if we're not happy with the whole,
we're just not happy with the whole but when you actually start
to understand the different, you know, look at looking at a person
as being much more multifaceted, you know, and there's different
things happening that are independent of you, and not making
everything about you, then you increase your empathy for them,
you increase your understanding from them, and you can maybe
hopefully, try to help them to realize like, you know what, maybe
you're, you know, you're in this situation or you're not feeling
you know, motivated because this particular need isn't being met.
Let's focus on that. Right. So this is something that is very
important.
to study because we're going to talk about how this affects
children as well. So
let's actually get to that slide. So for children, it's similar,
very similar, but we should know this is what children need. So as
parents first work out your own needs, determine what areas you
need more of, or what you need to work on. And that's why, you know,
I've talked about this in many previous sessions, but if you are
feeling emotionally depleted, or there's just, you're just not
they're not, there's something you know, is wrong, or you know, that
we all I think, have a pretty good, you know, you know, sort of
just, we know, when something's off, right, so listen to yourself,
listen to that part of you, that says, you know, you've been pretty
down for a long time, you've been unhappy, you've been unsatisfied,
whether it's with your work or with your family life, or maybe
there's a relationship that's very toxic, and it's affecting you. And
it's affecting your own confidence, your own just
happiness all together, just sitting in that and being, you
know, defeated and not really having a plan of action, oh,
obviously only exacerbates your problem, because it's a vicious
cycle, you're gonna stress and worry about it. And that stress
and worry causes other problems, right? Physically, mentally,
emotionally. So just, you know, realize that you have to be in
tune with yourself, and realize, if you're not happy about
something, there are ways to inshallah get, you know, to get
relief, whether it's spiritual, and you just have ups are going to
become I don't know, there's something like, if it's a health
matter, and you know, you, there's really no course may Allah give
you Shiva, of course, we always have hope with us paths. But if
you're in a situation where you have a health problem, that you
just really don't have much, you know, way of fixing or curing,
then your remedy could be just spiritually, I'm just going to
focus on my connection with a hotspot that and really try to, to
do whatever I need to get, you know, to just to strengthen that.
But if there's other things like if it's a relationship,
you know, for, there's so many now opportunities for you to get help.
There's so many opportunities for you to actually work on improving
that relationship, but actually feeling inclined to doing that,
instead of just saying, well, it is what it is, I can't do anything
about it. And a lot of people have that very complacent attitude
about their problems, I can't do anything about it. Just I just got
to deal with it. No, that's a shakedown. He wants you to be in
despair, he wants you to be miserable. Let's Paula Ardene is
not a deed of hopelessness, right, we should never feel settled with
being hopeless. And so if you have needs that need to be met, you
have to look around and say, Where are the resources that I can get
help and be willing to be vulnerable, be willing to share
with people, obviously, professionals or people that are,
you know, not saying to go out there and just complain about your
problems to everybody, but we seek out help. I think for some reason,
I, you know, in the work that I do, I just feel like there's just
this, you know, given up people just given up in so many different
areas that is to their own detriment. And so that's why it's
so important, again, to have these conversations and to be self
aware, to realize that I shouldn't be settled, if I'm not feeling
happy, I need to work on it, I need to figure out what that what
the solution is, and actually be empowered to do something about it
and Shala but if you're not aware of your needs, and you just don't
care, you're sleeping robotically, mechanically and your whole day is
just going to work and coming back and eating and sleeping and
there's just no deep connection with your soul. Then yeah, your
that's just your existence, and eventually you're just gonna
wither away. And that's it. That's, that's it. That's all
that's, that's the chapter of your life. You know, that's me, that's
the story of your life. You know, just someone who was okay with
misery and just didn't really want to do anything further. No, we'd
have to push back against that and say no, all the time that yes, he
trials and tribulations are part of this dunya but we always have
hope we always expect better. And we are always to strive for
better, right? So meeting our needs first and then looking at
our children's needs. So children that need the same they need the
physiological needs met first. So making sure we're providing for
them healthy, obviously food, sleep, making sure their sleep is
you know, is good and not you know, especially if you have teens
pleased and I'm you know that no, no teenager is has paid me to say
this. But I really because I work with teens a lot. And I remember I
really remember my own struggle as a teenager. We as parents have to
be much more sympathetic to our teens because they're going
through major physiological changes and sleep is a huge need.
I have literally done
especially with teens, and I'm like, what is the one thing that
you if you can have the most of, they're not talking about money
and fame? And well, then they will say sleep as the first answer. But
I think a lot of parents, you know, especially if you again,
come from that, you know, highly critical, you know, parenting
model, it's just like, stop being lazy, and you're always barking at
your children for wanting to sleep. That's not fair. They're
going through major, major changes, and we have to be a
little bit more understanding. It's just like the infant, the
infant's brain is going through all these changes, right? And we
don't wake up an infant who needs to sleep for long stretches of
time, because they're changing, we understand that adolescents go
through the same process just three years later. So be more
understanding about your teens need for sleep and try to
accommodate Do you want to nap, we can nap before we have to go to
this party? Why don't you go take a nap, it's okay, I'll do this,
I'll do you know, just to help look at that and be more something
because it's a, it's a basic need. And then you want them to go and
you know, write or work on a project for hours and hours on end
and be up until one o'clock in the morning. Because you've got to not
turn that in late. And we're just so intense with that, but then we
don't realize that we're not meeting their basic need, but then
we want them to achieve, you know, in this very intense high
pressure, you know, competitive time with with oh, you know, it's
too much? Yes, I think it is you're kind of
evaporating off sympathetic, because I'm learning. I've
realized as a parent, like, elementary teacher, a middle
school teacher, and a high school teacher
might be an elementary, middle school.
But I also wonder, just Moscow were just in terms of five
children and teenagers. I mean, what is five or six or even at the
latest and a five? And that dichotomy, okay, I know you need
to sleep, but also
that struggle is real. Now that's, I'm glad you brought that up.
Because it's important if you're waiting for your teens to become
teens, and then you expect them to pray Fudger this will, I would say
is a problem. Prayers need to start what are the ages between
seven to 10 is when you start disciplining and teaching your
children how to play by 10 They should be playing their five
first. So I think that's pre-adolescent, what you're doing
is you're creating habits for them before they reach the age of like,
you know, feeling like a log in bed and they can't they literally
feel like they can't get up. It's there. They've already accustomed
their muscles to it. They know their brains are wired clock, you
know, my my son Hamdulillah. He's, he's turning 10 Next month, but
this year since Ramadan, hamdulillah he's been praying all
of our all the prayers with us, and Masha Allah, may Allah protect
and preserve it for him. But he is our alarm clock half the time he
wakes up way before us. And he'll be the one who comes in wakes us
up for vision, because he's nine years old. But we started him for
that reason. And this is the wisdom of Hispanic parenting,
because they tell you start early. Don't wait until they're 12 and
13. And now it's like, oh, it's fun of them, you have to do it,
and you're intense, and you're pressuring them, and then you
wonder why it's hard for them. They haven't been habituated to
it. So I would say work early on establishing that practice for
them. But also be understanding that if, you know, look at their
sleep, because I understand how sleep cycles work, like I had to
educate myself about sleep cycles, because I didn't know and you
know, if there's any physicians in the room, correct me if I'm wrong,
but I believe like a full good quality, you know, block of sleep
is about an hour and a half. And this isn't how you when you hit
REM, and you actually can feel if you wake up and you feel like a
little bit refreshed, it's because you've gotten your deep sleep and
it takes about an hour and a half for a cycle. So if you are not
timing your sleep and Fajr so that you can hit those marks, what's
going to happen is you might wake them up in the middle of that one
and a half hour block. And that's when you get the oh I can't get up
right. So we should educate ourselves like you know what time
you're sleep, so that by the time Fajr comes, inshallah you will
have complete you're not completely, you know, burden and
this all of us can learn from this, if you have a hard time with
Fajr I bet you it's because that's what's happening, you're
interrupting the middle of your sleep cycle. And that's why it's
so difficult because this whole you know, and I don't know I you
read different things and I get it there's different you know,
studies that are done, but I think there's this feeling that sleep
but you have to get this number of sleep and everybody if you don't
get a certain number of hours of sleep you're just you know you're
gonna be can't function. That's not the case for everybody that
many many people can function on very little sleep per night
because they know how to time their sleep cycles accurately. So
that's why you know, I mean in our tradition for example, it's it's
known, you know, the prophesy said and he did 100 Every night, and
many of the greatest or they wouldn't they were known to sleep
very little at night because their nights were meant for worshipping
Allah. But what did they do? They compensated during the day they
would take naps, even you know the profit centers soon.
I was to do that payloader, which is the night after afternoon nap,
right between Manasa. So this was it as long
as it as long, right? So, but you know, to do those prayers during
that time, this isn't practice but why because it's again, wisdom, it
teaches us that sleep is like enough straight if you indulge it
and you become habituated to sleeping stretches of 10 hours,
don't think that that's just me, I love to sleep, I like just I need
to sleep that much. No, you've just you know, accustomed your
body to wanting that type of sleep because you've given into this,
you know, to this to this habit. Train yourself you know, and start
be smart in how you sleep, it's not quantity, its quality. So with
your children do the same thing if they're having a hard time with
certain prayers, target that let's look at when you're sleeping, and
let's wake up at times that are going to not interrupt that cycle
and and then you know, in shallow they can, if they have time after
they pray, go back to bed, get another little quick catnap before
they have to get up for school would be understanding is what I'm
saying. If on the weekends, they don't want to go to every family
party, because they'd rather sleep, don't be angry with them,
stop and say, You know what? Okay, it's okay. You know, your needs
are also important, because I think sometimes we put our own
needs first, and, you know, they're gonna get mad, and they're
gonna have to answer to these people, and they're not going to
understand that, you know, what they maybe they need to understand
what the judge said that your children are, you know,
overscheduled and overburdened, and they're exhausted, and they're
human beings. So you have to be the defenders, sometimes of your
children and not given to the pressure of I'm gonna get, you
know, yelled at, or someone's not gonna like me, you don't want to
be can't cater to everybody. And that's just, I think we just have
to stop doing things. On those, you know, pretenses, we compromise
our relationship with our children, if you're willing to
literally, you know, be, you know, have no sympathy for your child,
for the sake of someone else that you might see once a year. I mean,
to me, that's very strange, you know, why don't you tell that
person I'm sorry, they couldn't make it, you know, and let your
child know, I love you, I know, you're so exhausted, you work so
hard during the week, May Allah bless you and give you the fever.
And all you do, because I'm so proud of you, you get to home,
stay home, just just rest, you know, there's food in the fridge,
enjoy your time. And what kind of relationship are you going to
inculcate with your child, if that's the kind of parenting model
you have, where you literally know, their needs, and you
understand their needs, and you don't dismiss their needs as being
frivolous little teenage complaints, and whining Enos and
laziness and stuff, but this was, you know, again,
being aware of our needs, being aware of their needs, this is what
the educated this is why this education is so important, because
it connects you, you know, to them, where they're at, not where
you're standing, and you're expecting them to meet you where
you're at, you know, see where they're, you know, build that
understanding. So,
again, physiological needs are the most base, then they need,
obviously, safety and security. And this is where as adult, you
know, as adults and caretakers, we have to make sure that their their
needs are met, we have to be vigilant, make sure that who they
are around, that they're safe, you know, around the people that we
expose them to, or leave them with. So that's our duty and
making sure that you know, even when it comes to their, their
health, you know, making sure they have adequate health care, and
they're obviously free from any type of abuse and neglect. So if
you have an abusive,
you know, personality type where you, you know, are really hard on
your kids, you got to take yourself into account here, you're
not meeting their basic need of safety and security, and you will
not and you cannot expect them to become better and to become the
better versions of themselves. If they're living in fear. You know,
they're living in fear because your your abusive.
You know, unfortunately, this these are very common issues in
our community, where parents are very, very, you know, abusive
towards their kids. And they don't realize that that type of, there's
no such thing as you know, that whole tough love excuse No, it's
not tough love to be abusive to us mean names and nicknames or just
be really hard on your children. That's not any form of love.
And then we have also their social needs. So the next you know, once
their safety and security is met, then you need to make sure that
they have obviously unconditional love from you, but also other
their peers and have interactions with people in their own peer
group there plenty of play. We talked about young children,
especially before the age of seven, they need play. You have to
give them room to play and not shush them quiet. I'm stopping
every two seconds. That's not normal. If you have a noise issue,
then just remove yourself but and I'm speaking as someone who as I'm
getting older, I'm noticing my sensitivity to noise
Some more and more. But I've had to also do that for myself and my
husband Marshall, he's the one who's like, no, just let them be
their wrestling. They're, you know, they're they're loud, we
have, you know, our it's a, it's a home, but there's there's rooms
that I could go to, but sometimes I'm like, I'm already settled into
my space, but I'll have to get up and go, because I realize they
need that outlet they need, you know, they need to play. So we
have to, you know, watch ourselves as adults and realize these are
needs that we have to meet for them. And then esteem, you know,
making sure that we encourage them, that they are protected, if
you know if your children are in a school setting, or they've
reported to you that they are being bullied, and you're just
like, oh, I had a conversation with a teacher. And that's it. No,
if you have to make sure it's shut down. Because the child may not
feel inclined to talk to you about it again, because it's
embarrassing, right? Like in sometimes you'll just like, well,
I don't hear anything, I guess that reading is fine. That's
passive parenting. You can't just wait for your children to always
tell you everything. There are usually signs to problems, you
know, they're not speaking very much if they just seem a little
more agitated, irritable. And there's schoolwork, you know, it's
going down. Pay attention to this to children, sometimes parents,
because we're so overburdened and all you know, we're doing so much.
It's like if there's no, if there isn't a fire right in front of me,
I guess there's no problem, you know, that I don't have to worry
about it. But there could be embers, there could be sparks, you
know, underneath, and they're just waiting to ignite. So how about
being vigilant. And if you you know, being in touch with the
teachers, making sure that any type of bullying is absolutely
eradicated from their life. So that you know, they don't have
that pressure. If they're complaining to you, they don't
want to go to school. The other day, they're making excuses, I'm
sick, I'm not feeling good. That's probably a sign something's going
on. Find out who it is. Talk to those parents, if it's a, you
know, if it's an Islamic school, obviously, you know, you have more
opportunity. But even if it's in a public school, talk to the
teachers talk to them as ministration be that nagging
parent, do it for your children's sake, because we are in a crisis,
we're in a time where children are, and it's happening even in
our own community, this topic of suicide is not something that we
can say, Oh, it doesn't happen. Nope, it happens. And it has
happened stuff for a while. And children have expressed these very
horrible, you know, ideas to people, because, you know, that's
where they're at, they feel like they don't have any other week,
you have to be your child's advocate, this is a basic need,
making sure that they're protected from bullies, and that they have,
you know, safe and good companions to be around. Okay? This your hand
up.
Okay? And then.
And then obviously, self actualization. This is what we all
want for our children. We want them to be successful in every
which way. But this can be encouraged through looking at what
their interests are hobbies, really trying to connect with your
children to figure out what their interests are, instead of just
giving them a list of things that you think are better for them. If
you're forcing your kids to take piano lessons, and they tell you I
hate it. Why, just because you can go brag to your family, oh, they
play the piano. It's crazy. But they have no desire to do piano,
don't let them just Fianna if they have no desire to be, you know,
doing anything a sport, if they don't, if your boys are not
athletic, it's okay. Because not every boy has to be an athlete.
Okay, some boys are just not interested in running around all
day and sweating, they would actually rather go and maybe, you
know, learn something and produce something, they have freedom or
other build something. So encourage that and nurture that
and don't hold them to these standards like oh, this is you
know how this is the only successful model of what it means
to be a boy or girl. Get out of that type of thinking and actually
be in tune with your children, listen to them, ask them. What do
you want to? Do? We have some extra money, maybe do it for a
budget for classes for you. Is there any particular subject that
interests you? Is it art? Is it whatever philosophy a man or
whatever they're interested in poetry, it could be many different
things, but find out from them, then look around, we have so many
resources now whether it's going to a place or actually online, but
you can do that. And this is encouraging them what to become
more defined people, because they are defined, they're individuals
that are not just extensions of you and me. And I think that's the
the problem with a lot of parenting or parents is that
they're stuck in this thought that children have to be little mini
versions of that. No, they do not. They belong to us. pantalla we're
responsible for them for a short period of time, our charge again,
using the same model we used before. So make sure that they're
nurtured, that they're guided and that they're protected, but their
individual facets that make them who they are, are beautiful parts
of who you know, their individuality that we should
nurture we should you know, and even if we don't agree with it, or
we don't like it as long as it's not haram honestly, and it's in
line with our you know, beliefs and values. It shouldn't be a
problem. So
Just understanding these things, and why is this important because
characteristics of self actualized, so people who are self
actualized, and this applies for all of us as well as what we want
should want for our children. Okay? If you're a self actualized
person, obviously, there's no such thing as a perfect person. But
this would be according to Maslow, the highest, like, you know,
you're at your highest potential, if you are self actualized. These
are the qualities or characteristics that you will
possess. So just don't know if you can read it all. I'm sorry for the
small font, but I wanted to put it all on one slide. So they perceive
reality efficiently and can tolerate uncertainty. I mean, if
this isn't what we should want, for ourselves and for our
children, right? Because uncertainty is part of life.
Right? If if something God forbid, happens, but you're able to be
okay, right, because you submit to the will of Allah subhanaw taala
This is a huge benefit. There's people who resist things all the
time. And they're very, you know, they can't handle things when that
happens to them, and they suffer for it. But if you're a self
actualized person, you understand Hello, right? Allahu Mosh FYI,
like almost private does is he wills I have to accept, if you
become just, you know, stubborn, I'll just be patient until you
understand there's wisdoms, beyond our understanding of this world,
but maybe Inshallah, one day in Charlotte, one day, we will get
one of the most beautiful majestic places and God's creation. And
this is the whole time, you know, so no, you should look outside
experience, what's happening and take joy, let your eye take it in.
And I don't even know. I mean, I've seen all these Facebook posts
with
the skyline of San Francisco skyline before and after the small
the smoke, somehow law against something we take for granted.
Right, you can't go out there's no clear sky, the skies are horrible
to look at another so you know, monkey and just they don't look
beautiful. And then you I honestly forgot, I forgot what it looks
like to have gotten to see a clear beautiful sky and see blue and see
clouds. I don't I can't remember. Because it's been so long, it's
been over a week that we've seen that, but to teach our children to
appreciate these things. So even now with all this is going on,
teach your children you know, look at look at almost creations and
catalog we're in this really difficult time now make the child
when the rain comes, and hopefully the next few days, things clear,
make them go outside and say make sure go to Allah for clear. So you
know, that's really appreciating an experience, you know,
establishing deep, satisfying interpersonal relationships with a
few people, none of us need a lot of friends, okay, you don't need a
lot of friends. And if you think that's what makes you loved,
that's crazy. It's not about quantity, it's about the quality
of your friendships, having a deal or having a sister or a brother
that you can rely on that you can call on for your needs for an
emergency situations or that you can trust with an Amana or with
anything that is, there's nothing like that, you know, there's no
competitive, having, you know, just even one of those is such a
great benefit. And hold on to that. But teachers show them the
same that when they're in school, they shouldn't be concerned with
being the most popular person and having all these friends because
those friends are likely not going to last. You know, how many of us
still maintain relationships with people you know, in high school?
Very few if you do maybe one or two. But those are the types of
friendships they should maintain. Right? Those those deep, real
serious, committed friendships, but not to look at quantity. peak
experiences need for privacy. So yeah, your modesty right? How
Yeah, you're just a person who's not out and boasting about every
single thing that you do and say, and you're out there, self
actualized people are confident, they don't need to do that to be
open with every single thing. So how is it that we should want this
for ourselves and for our children, democratic attitudes,
obviously balanced, you know, and how we do things. And then strong
moral and ethical standards. I mean, subhanAllah, like I said,
these are all very prophetic qualities. But this is the benefit
of what that's for children, meeting them, that their needs,
making sure that we understand what their needs are, and working
with them. And if there's an area that isn't that they're stuck at.
And that's why it's important to look at, you know, studies like
for example, children who again, come from abusive or really toxic
homes, they manifest, right, they don't do well in their performance
at school, just there's a correlation, abuse, bullying, all
these things have an effect on their potential. Do you get it? So
if you have, you can, you know, expect them to thrive if you're
not meeting the need for safety and security? So, again, look at
where your children are, am I meeting their basic needs? If
there's an area that I'm filling in, guess what it's gonna affect
them? As a parent, what's my job? It's to protect them, right? So
another behavior that leads to
Okay, so factual actualization is also important to understand.
Because it's, you know, I just thought the wording here was
really important to highlight, look at the first one experiencing
life like a child with full absorption and concentration. So
this is, again, for us to really appreciate the mind of a child,
the children, they learn with wonder and awe. Right. And I think
we talked about that possibly during the first session, but if
we lost off, and you know, and we've lost the ability to look at
the world with that sense of wonder, then that should bother us
a little bit, you know, because the world is a place full of
wonder, and we shouldn't, you know, subhanAllah, you know, when
we do think, and we do it like that, it's not just like, you
know, we have our class B, and especially.
But there should I mean, that's, you know, if you're just trying to
get to your goal, I get it. But there should be also times where
you look for, or just reflect right, what off about we talked
about before you flick reflecting on something, and then Subhan
Allah, you know, like, really deeply having that like amazement
at something, but that's how children are, even if they don't
use those terms. They're always like, wowed by things, aren't
they? Oh, wow. You know, and so it's beautiful. But if you want to
be a self actualized person, trying to inculcate that sense of
wonder and awe more in yourself, and absorb things, you know,
that's why mindfulness is important being present, you know,
if you're distracted, if you're, if you're in a class and have
that, I don't see anybody doing it here. But if you're in a class,
and and you're on your phone, you know,
that's not you know, they're with full presence, right? You know,
how much are you absorbing, if you're like, on Facebook, and like
snapping. And actually, you see that now, too, with with
experiences, a lot of people are, are living so much through their
lens, they're not actually there. And I'm almost always amazed, my
son was playing this morning. And he was, you know, he had this
really creative game, and I was trying to videotape it. Because I
was like, it was so cute. It's a memory that I want to keep, I
realized, I don't have memories of him. And he's just turned seven.
So he's gonna grow out of this, please stage, it just dawned on
me, I don't have any memories of him playing. So I was trying to
capture it. And he caught me within two first, like, two
seconds, he then looked at me, you know, I was videotaping. And then
I thought about us is how do I how do these people do it? Like, you
know, people who are very good at like, you know, posting videos of
every event in their life, because if it could be their their
profession on like, I don't know, it was too obvious. But I was
like, just realizing like, a lot of people are very good at
capturing moments without people being aware of it, but it's gotten
to a point of like, are you actually in the moment yourself,
you know, and if you're not, that's a, that's a huge problem.
So the need to constantly snap or, you know, put everything on a
video is something we should control, because we're missing
out, right. So being trying to have a presence there, right, with
a concentration, trying new things, instead of sticking to
safe paths. So kind of, you know, pushing yourself to try things,
you know, out if you're very, very comfortable and set in your ways.
And it's like, no, I don't want to try it, I've never done it, I
don't like it, that's really limiting yourself. And especially
if you're, if it's something that could also be for your family that
you don't want to try, you don't want to do any of traveling to a
certain place, or trying a new adventure, or trying a new
activity as a family be a little bit more flexible and open as a
parent, because you want to again, open pathways you never know
learning that could happen by just experience being a little bit more
open about something right? Listening to your own feelings and
evaluating experiences instead of voice of tradition, or authority,
or the majority. So this was, you know, a good thing to just be in
tune with yourself. This is how I would read this. Because if you're
just you know, totally checked out, and the only voice you hear
is moms or dads or someone else's. And that's all you ever think is
how you were told to think and you don't really listen to yourself,
but I think it's it caught it's just you're not being true and
authentic. Whereas if you're listening to yourself and you're
connected to yourself, you know, you view you evaluate experiences
and allow yourself to have your own perspectives you know, instead
of always just repeating whatever else you were always told or or
thought to think avoiding pretense game playing and being honest. So
again, if you want to be someone who's self actualized, please
enough with a you know, pretenses just be a transparent, honest,
upfront person. This is prophetic. He did not wear masks with people
he was the same. He was very consistent in how he engaged with
all people who he met, whether it was his family, friends,
strangers, dignitaries, royalty, it didn't matter. He was just
himself and that's who he was with other people. If you are super
duper, you know, one way with with Western
One group of people and then a different way, another group of
people, that's a problem, you need to sit and talk with yourself
about that, you know, why am I like that, right?
And then be prepared to be unpopular in your views, if your
views do not coincide with those of the majority, having values and
sticking to them, despite what everybody else thinks and says is
very important. As Muslims, we know that we live in a time and
place where, yeah, being people of, you know, having faith and
having values that don't always, you know, correlate with
everything with what everybody else is doing isn't always easy,
but you got to stick to your values, this is important to me,
right? We fast during Ramadan, everybody else looks at us, like
we're crazy. We don't, you know, our kids don't drink or, you know,
go to clubs in sha Allah and do all this other date and a lot of
this other stuff, it's good for them to also have that same sort
of backbone about it, like, you know, what, it's just against my
video and my principles, my values, I don't do those things.
Right, but not, you know, worrying about being popular, that's the
issue, right? It's just to be like, you know, your people are
not gonna always like that you don't do certain things. But it's
okay. Because they might not like it, because you're, you know, for
their own personal reasons. But you at least can be proud that you
stood up for yourself, you know, that's respectable in anybody's
book, right? That you're that defined. And then trying to
identify your defenses and having the courage to give them up. So if
you are a self actualized person, then maybe you know, you're
you're, you're in touch with yourself, I know enough to know,
where you are defensive about what, and you know, to have a
little bit more
willingness, right to listen to critical feedback to not be so
defensive about everything. Because your humility, right?
Humility is a big part of this, if you're humble enough to accept
that you don't know everything that is shot law, you are able to
take people's feedback, whatever that may be.
Alright, so Inshallah, we're gonna resume from our break brasen. So,
we're just talking about, again, behavior that leads to self
actualization, and then just looking first at ourselves,
because we want to be self actualized people, and then
looking at how we can encourage our children to be the same.
Now, one of the things that because I want to let you know,
we're about to end. So before we are, what do you leave home, I
wanted to kind of give you something to do. So we came up
with this
concept, actually, that I read from another author, her name is
Mimi doe. And she holds a master's degree in education from Harvard
University, and herself as obviously a mother, but she's
appeared on Oprah. She's written for a lot of different
publications. And she's written specifically on spiritual
parenting. And so she came up with this idea of having your children
do their own code of honor. Okay, so I really like this idea. And
so, you know, just sitting with your kids. And first of all, I
mean, as their younger, you know, as we talked about our very first
session, the stories that we tell our children, whether it's from
the theater or otherwise, you know, they should be appropriate
age appropriate stories at different levels, but virtues that
we want to constant themes that should always come up are stories
that have to do with virtues that we want them to eventually
inshallah possess, like honor nobility, right, chivalry,
appreciating silence, you know, that, that there is virtue in
that, you know, gratitude, fortitude, modesty, all of these
things that are prophetic qualities, but that they should
recognize how to recognize and they should be able to know. And
then, so if we're doing that, as their, you know, in their younger
years, the by the time they reach the age of understanding a little
bit about what is junior high or high school, that age of more
mature, sort of thinking that they can start self regulating, right?
And looking at themselves and their own behavior. So how do you
do that you encourage them, like what do you know, what's your own
code of honor? Right? So encouraging your children to do
that, you know, how do you
want to behave or what do you think are virtues that you you
know, engage with other people and and there's a certain way that you
conduct yourself based on what and what we know describe that for us
like I will not do this, you know, sort of like my own set of rules
that they live by, that they you know, hold themselves accountable
to whether it has to do with themselves or treatment of other
people and their possessions or material but you know, whatever it
is, what they hold value and let that be an exercise to reveal
first the first time you do it. It'll obvious
To give you as a parent, something, you know, to see where
your children are at what are their? What values do they hold as
dear and important, and then see if there's areas that you need to
work with on them. Or they might surprise you. And you might be
like, Wow, mashallah, you know, you've, you've been listening all
this time, you know, and then that becomes something that they hold
themselves to account, because it's very different than us,
always telling them what to do, you know, which they're very used
to it when they're young, but by the time they reach the teenage
years, we have to respect them more, they need to feel respected.
And so this is now like, I want to see what you produce, you know,
you tell me, what is your, you know, code of honor? Where are
your, what are you what do you value, and let them do that, and
shall I then, you know, let that be another exercise, you know,
that a family sort of group activity that really, again,
brings the family together brings more mutual respect and
understanding to one another, these are the types of things that
we should be aiming for. And everything that we talked about
is, is it going to promote love, understanding respect, I'm gonna
do that whatever that is mutual, it can't be just top down. Okay.
And I think a lot of parenting model is like, you just, you know,
you're the parent or the authority figure, and you're just always
telling your children what to do at all times. And that's what
parenting is. But you know, that, you know, when you're younger, and
they don't understand that, you know, a certain degree, okay? But
as they grow older, you have to see their growth and appreciate
them for being individuals and being thing, you know, like,
they're independent thinkers, and also test your own parenting,
check in, see if they're learning things that you've taught them, if
they're not, it's going to become apparent when you give them that
exercise like this, right. So just something to do in sha Allah. And
then, um, this is just a quote that she also had in her book that
I really liked. And we'll end it on this, except your child as a
beautiful and miraculous gift alone from God, see the best in
Him for He will then see the best in himself or herself, praise and
encourage his or her positive qualities, feed his spirit by
making sure he knows that you love him, flaws and all. He is worthy
just as he is how you see your child expands into how he sees
himself. Okay, so if you have a lot of just positive love
admiration, respect for your child, they will see that in
themselves. But if you're hypercritical negative, nothing's
ever good enough. And you're just not understanding of who they are,
you know, dismissive when they express an opinion, or whatever
you don't know, you, oh, you youth, you know, and you're just
kind of like always dismissing them for not knowing or not being
smart or not being, you know, whatever, this is how then they'll
they might reflect themselves eventually. So you really, we
really do have a lot of power in that regard. And so just know, and
that's why it's so important to see parenting as an event, right?
Because we're going to be held accountable for how we use that
power, you know, are we aware of the impact of our words and our
actions toward these children that was entrusted us with? Or do we
just take that for granted as a little, you know, minions and
extensions of ourselves that are just there to serve us? Where are
you in that? You know, how do you see your children so inshallah on
that note, we'll go ahead and end are there any questions from any
of you or any comments in shallow
Okay, well, thank you for attending and saw the video will
be up soon. If you missed any part of it, or if you would like to
share it, and then you know, we'll resume inshallah next month, for
the fourth session
will end on
how to go home and it
was really almost that it was sitting well rather gotta say that
oh, no, no, no. That's the whole audience. I want to do a second
sort of this thing on
my right hand while I was in there, instead of because you live
in Amman, noir Mills, what it had to do with the rest of the hopper,
your device or the subject.
Does that go off and again, thank you so much.