Hosai Mojaddidi – My Parents Just Don’t Understand Me ParentTeen Forum (Part 2)
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My name is Jose Majidi and I'm here at Community member here at
MCC. I'm very honored to be with all of you. This is our second
panel with this exact same format, where we are trying to bridge the
divide the generational divide, and also the cultural divide
between the youth and the adults. Everybody on this panel with me,
all my co panelists, we are in the service of this community. And for
years, we have been on the receiving end of a lot of private
conversations between parents and teens, that where there's
definitely a conflict and they they don't know how to navigate
those conversations, so they come to us for our advice. So we have
decided, why not actually bring everybody together and try to have
a conversation where everybody can benefit inshallah. So, with that,
I'd like to have asked my co panelists to introduce themselves,
so that you can get to know them a little bit more inshallah. So I'll
start with my right. And if the brothers here can begin to say a
few words about who you are, what you do, and why you're here.
sabalenka nice to see all three one. My name is as matar, everyone
knows me as Zhi SHAN I live in San Ramon, I have three boys. My wife
was on the panel, we were involved in the elementary homeschooling Co
Op and, you know, learned a lot of things about parenting and
actively tried to do the best we could there. And the one thing I
would say about myself is that I grew up in the United States in
New York, California, moved around to Saudi Arabia, and, you know, a
lot of my needs weren't met when I was younger, which became
problematic later on. And so I feel like that experience helps me
relate to youth and I like spending a lot of time with you.
And so that's why I pick up here Sokolova
Assalamu alaykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh My name is Aaron aka
Haroon Sellars, I converted to Islam in 1994. And since then,
hamdulillah I've been are striving to be a committed husband to my
wife, committed father to my daughters, and I'm currently the
audiovisual manager at zaytuna College. Some of my interests
outside of work are photography, videography,
building LEGO Star Wars sets, Star Wars cosplay and lots of other fun
things. I'm here because I love Islam. I'm here because I love the
Muslims. I'm here because I love Muslim youth. And I'm very excited
to be in a gathering of parents especially because I think we have
a lot to benefit from each other and show
snarly calm. My name is Suzanne Derani I am a high school teacher
by profession. I've been working with the youth for about a decade,
actually a couple of decades and I'm also a full on teacher and I
have been homeschooling my kids. I'm very excited to be here and to
work with the youth in sha Allah. I love working with teenagers.
It's actually one of my favorite things to do.
Islam they come Aleikum. My name is Anna Hama flour and I am the
mother of three young men wife of zhi Shan MCLA. My sons, our sons
are 2220 and 15 years old, Mashallah. I've been teaching
middle school and high school students since the mid 1990s. And
I also write some articles related to the topic of parenting for
seekers guidance.
Santa Monica, welcome to Allah. My name is si tab seen.
I am married and have three children ages, ranging from nine
to almost 16. Also, with brothers Zhi Shan and sister Hannah, at the
elementary Co Op, and been active in the community for a number of
years in different capacities, sometimes working with youth,
sometimes working with adults, mostly in education. But excited
to be here with you all tonight and John.
And Hamdulillah, I just like Lafayette, and I would like to now
ask our volunteers to please come up, they're going to distribute
surveys for the teens, as well as index cards for the adults. So all
right, that's lovely, everybody, again, so we've got some questions
up here. But before we dive into the individual questions, we
thought it would be a good idea to maybe just go over some general
principles. With some of the surveys that came in, I was
skimming through them and looking at what were some of the questions
that young people were asking, and a few that caught my eye.
but I think maybe it would be a good idea to start off addressing
is
more than a couple of kids talked about how they feel like they're
very tightly controlled by their parents, or they feel that they
don't have any freedom. Or they feel like their parents don't
listen to them, and they feel that they're not heard. And then
there's on the flip side, there are parents saying, my kid doesn't
talk to me. I don't know what's going on in his or her life, and
how do I how do I get my children to open up.
So before there can be any kind of success in any relationship, it's
really important that there will be trust, and that there'll be
vulnerability, and there'll be open communication. And as
parents, it's
going to be crucial that we learn how to set ourselves up for
success, so that there can be trust and vulnerability and open
communication. And one of the things that I know I found very
helpful in our family, and some of my friends have been implementing
for a number of years, and I've seen success in their family as
well, is setting up a weekly family meeting, where there's a
set time in the week, where the parents get together with the
kids, and they're not allowed any distractions, people aren't
bringing their phones and their laptops to their meeting, they're
not allowing the house phone to interrupt them or other, you know,
social activities or friends. It's a dedicated time that the kids
have on their calendar, and that they know that from this time to
this time, on this day, I have to meet with my my parents and my
siblings, and I can't opt out of it. And
different families have different ways of conducting these family
meetings. I know one of my friends, their family members took
turns leading the meeting. And then in other families, it was
parent directed. But every family should figure out for themselves
what's going to work best for them. But the point is, over time
to create
an environment where kids know that they're going to have an
opportunity to talk about what's going on in their lives. And
parents are going to have an opportunity to talk about any
concerns they have, or positive feedback that they want to give.
It's going to take time to build that trust and vulnerability. It
doesn't happen overnight. But it's worth the investment. If you do it
week after week, month after month, year after year, you'll be
surprised at what people are willing to share over time I know
of a father who met with his daughter for brunch, since she was
like five years old, every Friday, they would go out for brunch. And
when she was younger, they didn't have anything super exciting to
discuss. Maybe it was even boring for the dad. But now that the
daughter is older, and she's college age, she's talking to him
about a lot of real life issues, and getting his feedback on things
that are important to her. And I don't know if any advice you have
talked about
open communication. Yeah.
So don't worry too
much Haman hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen Allahumma Salli, ala
Sayyidina Muhammad, right, it was like me setting them. Before I add
on to that I'd actually first like to,
to congratulate all of you for being here. And I think it is very
important. It's a show of your dedication to your children. And
it's also a reminder that we all are struggling with these
challenges. I don't know of a parent of a teenager who feels
like oh, this is easy. And I don't know why other people have
problems. And it's always a challenge. And it's something that
we face together as a human as a community. So, you know, may Allah
subhanaw taala reward you all and and accept it as an effort from
you all, and bless your parenthood with still feeling ease in sha
Allah.
I would add on to sister Hannah's comments, maybe just a little bit,
which is to reflect on the Islamic teachings of the different phases
of childhood of parenthood, I should say perhaps were in some
narrations attributed to the prophesy send them in some to say
90, but the principle is the same nonetheless, which is to play with
them for the first seven years. And then to discipline them for
the second seven years. And then to befriend them for the third set
of seven years. So pretty much after 14 lunar years, which is
probably age of 13. Interestingly right or there abouts, the
relationship should really change. And I think it is important
cisgender use the term being vulnerable. And open
communication. These are aspects of friendships. These are aspects
even if there's, you know, some of my closest friends are older than
me. And I treat them with a certain kind of respect that I
don't treat somebody my own age, but it's still a friendship. I can
share things with them. I can be open with them, I can be myself
with them. And even if they will correct me or advise me, it's
gonna be
In a very different spirit than a position of authority, sort of
scolding me. So I think the first thing to consider is maybe
framing the entire relationship, going from a much more vertical to
somewhat more horizontal. Of course, it still should, until
respect and an adept towards the parent. But especially in our
society here, I think that's, that's an important facet to
include. And that way, when you do have something like a family
meeting, the likelihood of a child, or a teenager, no longer a
child, young man or woman, you know, one of the things I grew up
with was my parents generation, I was saying, you know, what Sahaba
were doing at your age, people were leading armies at your age,
but I want you home by six o'clock, right? So that we want
both sides of that, right. But it comes with with both sides. So
they are young men and women. And we have to start to view them as
young men and women, especially in a society that keeps trying to
keep them as children on one level that really fights a type of
maturity, and a type of responsibility for your own
actions. And we can maybe get into that in sha Allah a bit later. But
I think that when you
realize that this is difficult for everyone, and that there aren't
really clear answers, and that this is a struggle in a process,
you will look less for solutions, right? There's a difference
between a solution and a treatment. If I give you a math
problem, there's a very finite amount of time, you'll get to the
solution. Or if I say the microphone is broken up front,
there's a wire that's wrong, there's a solution, you can fix
it. It's a problem, and it has a solution. But when you think of
things as diseases and treatments, you start, you start to realize,
you don't take medicine and you feel better immediately that
there's a it's a process of healing, and it's a process of
growth. So whatever struggles we may have, we have to also bring
along with it, I think the patients
to see that whatever changes we make, that it will take time and
the relationship will have to grow with it. And so we shouldn't
approach some of these as problems that require solutions. How,
what's the solution for my child doing X? That may not be the best
way to think of the question, and perhaps something more of how do I
start to get my child to become more of why. And you'll start to
see a bit more gradually will level item.
So when Dr. Acid just mentioned about how vulnerability and trust
is there are also elements of a friendship, that just reminded me
of a really fascinating article I just read recently about what it
is that really makes a friendship. It's also a TED talk. And
it was really interesting, they, these experts broke it down. And
they said that a friendship is like a pyramid, a triangle, and
there's three sides to it. And you need all three sides in order to
have a friendship. And when I saw that pyramid, I reflected and
realized why some of my friendships have really thrived,
mashallah, and why some friendships have floundered
despite my best efforts. And the same three sides can be brought to
your relationship with your children as well. So the three
sides to the friendship, the bottom, they said the base of the
relationship has to be positivity. So it has to be a positive
interaction where somebody feels that they're seen, they feel that
they're heard, they feel that it's a positive interaction, they feel
that they're not constantly being criticized. It's not constant,
downer, not constant doom and gloom, depression, making each
other feel better. So that's so if you look at your friendships that
are probably the most successful, you realize that there's a lot of
positivity involved in your interactions. And then the other
two sides of the triangle were, so positivity is the base. The other
side is vulnerability. So that you have to be willing to share of
yourself and talk about things you've been through and that
you've grown from, and then also be willing to hear another person
share their struggles. And then the third side was consistency. So
that you are actually seeing each other on a regular basis or making
an effort to get together, communicate, talk on the phone,
whatever it is. So that's where the family meeting can come into
play. Because especially as our kids are becoming teenagers and
going into the college age, what I've been surprised by the most is
really how busy everybody's schedules are, especially here in
the West, everyone's running in different directions. We're always
in the car.
And we have to actually schedule time to get together and make sure
that we're checking in with one another. And in our family
meetings. Originally when we started having them it was easy to
start out those family meetings with just checklists of things
that need to be taken care of and chores that need to be
be done. But that can take away from a little bit of the
positivity. Right. So it's also going to be important to validate
one another in those meetings. Okay, so I think maybe we'll start
jumping into some of the questions. Do you have one you
want to address?
These two, I think, are some of the same. Yeah.
Okay. So this is one I think that, particularly parents of teenage
boys may relate to, but also teenage girls.
And this is a question says, cinema at home, how to stop a
teenager, again, that's a very solution oriented, right how to
stop. But I understand I have that impulse as well. But let's phrase
it as how do you help a teenager, reduce playing games and on their
cell phone all the time. So the problem that we're recognizing
that needs help is that, you know, teenagers are on their devices or
playing video games all the time. So before I try to weigh in on
that, I have to I have a disclaimer to make, sometimes when
you come to listen to a panel, you might assume that the person
speaking is either in authority or has already been successful on
that. These are things that I'm struggling with as a parent. So
this is we're all sort of working through this, together, I have
teenagers that I,
you know, have these very same conversations with a few things
that I think are helpful
is
one is to also begin with a degree of sympathy for your teenager,
that if you are aware of how often we as adults can get sucked away,
right? That you that you have to sympathize with how addictive
these devices are to begin with. And to not see it as something
that they may be doing intentionally, or treat them in a
way in which you know, they you know, they shouldn't be some, it's
so should be so easy for them to resist. The second thing I would
say is, it is important to have very open conversations with your
children, about the fact that after you sympathize and say I
understand these games are fun, I understand these games are
addicting, I understand you need to stay in touch with your
friends.
But education is also useful, and to sit there and spend time with
them.
My son, and I might get in trouble for some of these statements. But
my son and I, we read an article together about how Silicon Valley
execs have called these devices, digital heroin, because of the
degree of addiction and the dopamine release, that's that
that's attained when you get a notification or a dean, so much so
that one of these Facebook execs, he told his secretary, he gave her
the password to his phone, the administrative thing, and said, If
you allow me to download a social media app, I will fire you.
Because he didn't trust himself. If you allow me I will fire you
have to make sure I never download this. When you have these
conversations with your with your teenagers, even if you allow them
to have some degree of access, just so they are aware of the
degree of danger. Sometimes we let them have desserts, right? But we
tell them you can have one. But if you have five, here, you're going
to have these problems as a result. So discussing with them
that that you're that you're going to be reasonable and expect some
degree given the fact that they're teenagers, and they're surrounded,
unfortunately, by other teenagers, right? That's the main problem.
And because of that, that you want to be understanding, but also
start to set gradual guidelines for decreasing. So you say Okay,
how about this? Let's go, almost all phones will have I'm sorry,
almost all phones will have a way to know how much time has been
spent on the on the phone. Right? So you say okay, let's just look
at your use for the last week without criticizing. You're not
gonna say Oh, my God, I can't believe is three hours in, right?
You just want to assess it. You're gonna be like a personal trainer,
somebody comes in, and they're at a certain weight, or they're at a
certain speed when they're running. You're just gonna say,
hey, let's see how fast you run a mile. That's your gonna be a
starting point. Let's start setting some goals. Or do you
agree that it's a problem to be on your phone that much? Yes. When
they're not on their phone, and they're away from it for a while.
You if you have a reasonable conversation teenager that limits
it? Yeah, you're right. I shouldn't be on it so much. Okay,
so let's start setting goals. And if you work to make gradual
progress, you can make progress. And I would also say the other
thing, this is just my own. My own personal anecdote is nagging is a
way to bring the opposite effect of what you're nagging for for a
teenager. So you have to be very careful about how you communicate,
because as they're asserting their independence, they feel like
they're young men and women and they should be they want a degree
of autonomy to
treat them like that your just simple word or command should
should alter their behavior. Even if they listen to you in that
moment, they will start to develop a resistance in their mind to this
very thing that they should be able to regulate this for
themselves, right? So one thing I would say is to have conversations
to help talk them through this, and to work on unrealistic goals.
And I'll turn it over to sister Hannah, if she has anything to
add.
One of the other questions wasn't just about video games, but it was
also about using cell phones and being on your phone constantly.
One of the things that we've found to be really helpful is
not just one of the rules in our home has always been that the cell
phones aren't used in the privacy of the bedrooms. And so they're
only used out in public. So in our loft, or in our family room in our
living room. And recently, one of my son's friends has come to start
living with us. And so before he started living with us, my husband
and I sat down and kind of went over with each other, like what
are going to be our expectations, what are going to be our rules,
because this is a young man who's mashallah, you know, 18 years old.
So he's, he's a young adult. But at the same time, there's a
potential to influence the family culture and what's going on with
everybody in the home. And so we only came up with two things. And
one one was that we were going to request that cell phones are not
used in the privacy of the bedroom or laptops, and that they're only
used out in public and in order to make even a private phone call,
can go outside or will give you you know, privacy out in the
living room, but not in the bedroom. And he agreed to that I'm
humbler. But even he's noticed that it's so healthy, to not have
the cell phone in your bedroom. Because the tendency to want to
scroll for hours on end to look, check it first thing in the
morning to be on it late at night to waste a lot of time on it is
reduced significantly when you're out in public. And you've got
other people around you who are going to want your attention who
you're going to want to make conversation with. So
video games is not something I we actually have that much experience
with in our home, but cell phones is definitely I think something
that everybody, I think every family struggles with it, trying
to figure out how to limit it, how to deal with it. And I think,
personally that having self having that one rule that cell phones are
not used in the privacy of the bedroom, is can really make or
break the experience.
Said I want to go everybody ended up please forgive me for not being
here. Earlier, I missed I'm sure some very fruitful discussion. I
was actually looking over a lot of the survey results that we have
and the questions, there was an area for the teens to provide
their their specific questions. So this is actually coming from the
teens at tonight's event. And some of the questions really had to do
a lot with
with being allowed to hang out with friends. So some, you know,
there's teens are really worried about
their parents maybe being a little too overly protective and
controlling when it comes to their social life. And so that's
something that in my own personal experience, I have had this
probably right up there with devices, it's one of the biggest
concerns coming from the teens. And there seems to be again, maybe
again, a generational or cultural divide there about how to, you
know how much is too much, right? And what groups of people are my
teens allowed to socialize, for example, between genders, right, I
have had to definitely have that discussion with some families
where the girls have because their classmates they, you know, grow up
maybe sometimes with boys from a very young age in the same school
environment. And they formed these friendships with them, that they
think it should be perfectly fine and normal, by the time they
reach, you know, the high school years to hang out in a large group
setting with with with those same very, very same kids or same boys.
So that obviously poses, you know, a problem because, as we all know,
when children come of age, and they're actually more held
responsible, and they become adults in Islam, through, you
know, adolescence and puberty, that that shouldn't happen, and
actually we should start separating them more. So how do
we, you know, navigate this particular issue because it's
everywhere, everywhere they look, you know, this is very normal in
the society around us, you know, and it's becoming more normal even
amongst American Muslim teens where
or they feel that these things are not a big issue. So that's
something that maybe our panelists because they have the experience,
my children are still young, I have 10 and seven years. I'm just,
you know, I'm reflecting on what I've what's been shared with me.
But I think we can also maybe turn to our panelists, because they do
have older kids to ask maybe some advice or tips on how do you have
that discussion in terms of gender? You know, mixing and
friendships with the opposite *?
Well,
that's a heavy one, I didn't actually come mentally prepared to
discuss that. But it's an important topic.
I need a moment to think about this.
So when, yeah, please, yes, I don't have a response. But I'm
gonna give sister hints at some time. And maybe just set up some
basic principles that I think are very useful for this topic. And
topics similar to that become more and more serious, when I'm talking
about phone use and video games, we're talking about things that
tend to have greater consequences.
They're, you know, something that some she'll have said, that I have
found very useful, is they said, make sure that you develop a
relationship with your children, that when something happens, the
first person they think of to call, is you.
Not that they're running away from you how old man, I can't, my
parents can't find out about this, right. But they should feel so
safe. Even if they know that you would disapprove, they would know
that their first impulse should be to call you because your first
reaction will be to help and to guide and to love, right? That's
not a very easy thing to do. It's a very high ideal, I think, right?
But that should be a goal. The second is,
we should strive to have relationships with our teenagers,
in which, although they may still have shame with us, we don't force
them to start to live a secret life, where if we set a standard
that becomes so difficult for them to fulfill one of the challenges
about that as you can, it's very common for Muslim kids, you hear
this more times, than you care to admit that they live a double
life, they just start to hide things from their parents. And I
don't mean just out of shame that they won't mention things, but
they will, they literally will have an entirely like they'll live
a double life. And that becomes very dangerous, because then a
parent has no ability to guide to teach, to advise any of those
processes, right. So even if it's something you disapprove of, it
may be good to develop a ground rule to say, you can talk to me
about anything, even if I disapprove of it, you can come to
me, we can discuss it, I can advise you, but I'll share with
you my disappointment. But you're safe from that don't Don't, don't
let make the first thing you think about your you know, my parents
are going to kill me. So the first one is make sure that they flee to
you, and not from you when they're in trouble. And the second is try
to keep them in a way where they can be open about their
challenges, even open about the things that you may disapprove of,
so that you don't push them to the point of hiding and going
underground and living a double life. Hopefully, that gave her
some time to act to answer the actual question.
So I guess the reason I'm hesitating before answering is
because I am trying to be mindful of the fact that my sons are in
this community, and anything that I share about how we do things in
our life, you know, it's kind of putting their business out there.
And so I want to be respectful of that. So I was just while Dr.
Smith was speaking, I was thinking about okay, what could I share
that maybe they wouldn't mind me blasting out all over MC C's
videos.
So I remember when my kids were little, and I'm not saying this
as, as if we're the role models or the examples for everyone to
follow. I'm just talking about what our experience has been as
far as our young men growing up now into the early 20s and the
teens of interacting with the opposite gender. So when they were
little, I remember my husband once saying that, you know, and I want
our house to be the house where all the kids want to hang out.
Like this is where our kids want to bring their friends home to.
And Alhamdulillah he has I think dream came true and that we a lot
of our social life is occupied with our kids friends coming over
and
with having homeschooled our sons up until eighth grade for me
It was very important that I didn't want my boys to be socially
awkward and to not know how to speak to the opposite gender, but
to also keep in mind what the rules of the religion are with the
Sunnah of the prophets and lolis alum is. So to that end.
I, I personally and my husband also we really like our kids
friends, Mashallah. And there are young women in the group, and
they're young men in the group as well, these are kids that they've
grown up with. The difference is that my husband is also friends
with all the kids and I am as well. And so we end up socializing
together in our home. So we might have like a movie night, or, you
know, the kids might come over and have dessert with us after dinner.
And we all sit together and talk talk about politics, talk about
what's going on, talk about religion, talk about books that
we're reading, but there's oversight in the sense that my
husband and I are there as well. And, but it came from becoming
friends with our kids friends, and like gaining trust with them over
the years. And this isn't necessarily true, like for all of
our friends, all of the kids parents, it's not necessarily that
they have the same relationship with all the kids. But this is
something that's happened in our home. And
when we started entering into the social media age, and the kids
were, you know, asking if they could get the Instagram accounts
or whatever, having a talk with them also about how they were
going to be interacting with the opposite gender, gender on social
media, because it's a lot of us tend to think that interaction
with the opposite gender is oh, it's about dating, or it's about,
you know, boyfriend, girlfriend, but sometimes it's really just
about how people are joking around and communicating with one another
online. And so
as a mother of sons, talking about how to be respectful of the
opposite gender, and how to behave online in a way that you would
behave in person. So an example would be
if girls are posting selfies, and photographs of themselves, that's
not something that would be really appropriate for young men, in our
opinion, to be clicking like on, because it's not something that
our young men hopefully would be doing in real life, they wouldn't
be going up to girls and being like, you look beautiful, you look
hot, you know, that wouldn't be okay. And so it wouldn't be okay
to do that online as well. And
so, constantly talking to them, or not constantly, because that
becomes nagging. But, you know, checking in with them about and
role modeling for them as well, like, what is the appropriate way
to behave with one another.
If we even have WhatsApp groups, where there guys and girls on the
WhatsApp groups, but again, we're involved in them as well. It's not
just a boy and a girl alone, talking in sha Allah, and from my
understanding so far. And so
I think one of the key key things in our experience has been really
befriending our kids friends and taking the time to get to know
them. So those of you who especially have younger children,
really making an effort to get to know them, kids are not going to
fully open up in front of parents the way they do in front of one
another. But
taking time to make your home be the place where kids want to come
hang out, whether it's watching movie together, whether it's
having ice cream, checking in.
Yeah, that's
just off the top of my head. I think that's what I was, like, all
I can think of right now.
Just go ahead. And I think what I got from your, both of your
responses really is about open direct communication about these
things, because a lot of times, many of our cultures, it's
uncomfortable, right? We don't, you know, in my family, for
example, I mean, it was never spoken about never was the issue
of having a friend from the opposite gender ever brought up,
it was just understood that that was not acceptable in your home.
And so we would never even talk about these things. But I think,
you know, we have to just keep in mind, the great advice of said,
Nadia, who said that, you know, Do not raise your children the way
that you were raised because they're born into a new
generation. So whatever cultural or, you know, dynamics that you
had, or, you know, family dynamics that you had, we have to kind of
just be more realistic that our children are growing up in a
completely different time than we were.
And a lot of these things have to be discussed, even if it's
uncomfortable, and it's awkward for you to put your own comfort
aside because otherwise, if we're not having these conversations
with them directly, they will seek out other people to have
conversations with and what happens oftentimes is
The other messages are so counter to the principles of our faith,
that they actually end up sounding better, right? To teens who are so
impulsive and it sounds so, you know, fair and open minded. And
then, you know, here's nothing on this side of it is just no or
nothing at all. And so we kind of have to balance whatever the
messaging that they're getting outside with, you know, reflection
with wisdoms with, you know, just having open conversations, because
it will, to them, the impression that they leave is that Islam is,
you know, outdated. It's not, you know, there's no context, or
there's no context for it in modern times. Muslims are awkward
socially, that's what they leave with, if we don't have discussions
with them. So we have to really think about that, and just having,
you know, asking them, how many who do you hang out with at
school, being frank with them? What are their names, and if they
say, a boy's name, or a girl's name, not thinking it's the end of
the world, and you know, immediately shaming them, or
blaming them, but rather asking, what is it about that person that
you enjoy their company and trying to just foster again, an
understanding, and a conversation where you can see, you know, why
they choose the people that they are hanging out with, and and who
those people are, it's very important that we know who those
people are. So hamdulillah now, the next question, I'm going to
actually ask the parents cuz I want to gauge how you got I mean,
if you guys, you know, are seeing what we see. So there was a
question on a survey about, do you support gay rights, this is a hot
topic issue, a lot of it's everywhere in our society. Now, we
can't really escape it. So we this is another topic we have to
confront head on. So I'm going to ask you by show of hands, there's
three options that we gave. Okay. I'll read them to you. And then
I'm going to ask you to raise your hand based on what you think your
team may be, or the majority of the responses. Were. Okay. The
first answer was, do you support gay rights? So the first question
to answer excuse me was yes. I don't see anything wrong with
being gay at all, and think it's perfectly fine to be gay. The
second one was, yes, I think gay people deserve to have rights. But
I don't agree with their lifestyle. And the third is No, I
don't support gay rights at all. So I want you to think about your
team and everything you've raised them with, and all the maybe
discussions you've had, or maybe you have it, but just what you
think they answered on this survey. If you think your teen
answered the first one, which is yes. I don't see anything wrong
with being gay at all, and think it's perfectly fine to be gay.
Raise your hand.
I didn't think that we'd have anybody for that. Okay.
The second Yes, I think gay people deserve to have rights, but I
don't agree with their lifestyle, if you think.
Okay, so this is again, based on your knowledge of your team. Okay.
The third one? No, I don't support gay rights at all. How many of you
think your teen answered that? Okay, what do you think the
majority of the answers were? One, two or three? Do you think we had
any one, we had quite a few of the first one, quite a few online. And
here. This is, again, a sweeping sentiment across our society,
across our community, where people are feeling that it's not a big
deal. This is another very important discussion that we have
to be able to frame in a healthy way and have open discussions
because again, as I just you know, sort of alluded to when you don't
have discussions, then the dominant opinions that are being
presented, sort of take over. And then people you know, that's how
people succumb, and eventually, majority wins. Oh, well, if
everybody thinks this way, then I don't want to be an outcast. So I
should think the same. So how can we balance that right? We have to
have an open discussion. So I'm going to again, turn to my
panelists and ask them. How do you talk about this issue with your
teens? I'm sure it's come up with your teens. How did we frame this
discussion?
Oh, okay. Very good point. This might be a good time to just do a
quick time check for prayer. Brother Munir, do we have Is it
time? Okay, so I think we'll pause right here but we're going to come
back and address this hot topic issue inshallah. Okay, all right,
just like coffee and it will stop for parents here have had an open
conversation with their teenagers about this topic.
I'm seeing probably a quarter maybe a third. Okay, maybe a third
at best, more.
From the mother's side than from the fathers,
I would say a starting point is to begin there, right? That having
this as a topic that society is literally inundating you with and
almost pushing down your throat
is that it's normal that it must be acceptable. But beyond that,
that to have any criticism of it is a type of bigotry. Now, for
the American mind, there's nothing more revolting than being called a
bigot. Right. And so if that is equated with bigotry, by treating
someone unfairly, just because of something that's incidental to
them the way they were born, right, then that's the type of
bigotry. So you have to be able to have navigate conversations with
your teens about these topics. Now, some of you may come from
places, but this was never even a fault. Your parents never had to
discuss this with you. You could have lived the rest of your life
and never had to deal with this. Your children have a different
reality. And so what worked for you as SR horsehide reminded us
say 90 of the Allahu Anhu said inniswood Shabbat homies Amani him
and about him that people resemble their age more than their own
father. Right? That's what they will resemble more the age the
time will have a greater impact upon raising your children than
what you do yourself. And so how do you if you know that that's
there, as it as a factor influencing your children, you
have to be able to address it,
in my experience, an open conversation, which is not
reactionary, right. And what I mean by that is, if your teenager
is made, you're the young adult in your home, who's formulating their
own opinions and their own ideas. They have their own personality,
their own autonomy. And they're being told by people that we send
them to in school, or in the media, these authorities are
telling them one message, if you want to bring present another
side, you have to come with good arguments. And you have to come
willing to listen and you have to come willing to share
I would suggest addressing this question with your teens head on.
And I would suggest doing so in a number of ways from taking it from
a number of different perspectives.
The Islamic perspective or you know, what could be called the
Islamic perspective is one that goes beyond just Is this a sin?
Yes or no? This is something I haven't done that Jamal, the
consensus of Islam is very clear on, there's no question marks
there. But your child is processing a world that's telling
them that anything like that is bigotry, or it's unfair, or it's
hatred. Nobody wants to be hateful, you have to help them to
reconcile these two things. So I'll tell you a story. There was a
scholar who was visiting from a West African country. And he was
doesn't speak English. He's here visiting. And someone asked him
who was a convert to Islam. He said, I have a relative of mine.
And this relative
there are openly homosexual, and my my Muslim friends are telling
me that I cannot have a relationship with him. Is this
true? And the sheer again, this is still very foreign to him. It's
not as but he said, Chinook is bigger than that. And you have to
keep ties with Chinook. Right? Chinook is greater than that. But
you can still keep ties with that. So we have to that framework
should be that I can tell you that your beliefs are wrong, that your
actions are wrong, and still respect you and still treat you
kindly. So this is a false dichotomy, that you're that's
being forced on the Muslims, that in order to be respectful. In
order to be kind you have to accept what everyone does. That's
that's not that's not you have to help your children to break
through that fallacy. That's a lot. They'll see through it. And
you tell them, they come to us. This is something sister Jose was
saying I have to give the credit here. She said they come to us
with the with the call for acceptance, you have to accept us
as we are total acceptance. But in turn, they're not accepting us as
we are.
So that mutual respect has to be there. And so we have to help our
children, our teens, these young adults to see that part of this is
that they have the right to also have their opinion. You can be
respectful, you can be kind, you don't does not have to equate
hate, right. And we can still believe that this is immoral and
it's forbidden and it's wrong, etc. The two are not mutually
exclusive.
Right. The two are not mutually exclusive. And so we have to
develop some new ones.
Once in which even if we accept that somebody has this affliction,
or this challenge or this desire that all was put into place for
whatever reason, we all have desires that almost puntata placed
in us that we have to fight. Since when does that mean? Oh, embrace,
oh, you have that desire, embrace it Bismillah that's not our
religion to begin with. So even this argument of Oh, but I think
they were born that way. Of course, we're all born these ways.
We're all born with things that we have to so help them to break out
of this simplistic way of viewing it that, Oh, what if they were
born that way and you know why we can't hate them, we can't have
bigotry, etc. Bring some nuance to the conversation in which you can
accept that they're a part of society that isn't going to
disappear, that we can engage them and treat them with respect, but
that we also asked to be respected for our beliefs. And we also
cannot be subjected to bigotry and we also cannot be forced with
their intolerance to say except change your religion to
accommodate us right. So this is something that is that is very
important and this happens with beliefs about Allah subhanaw taala
This is not an Eman issues not you know, but even with shidduch we
say people that congenial Cambodia de, you have your way I leave you
to your way, leave me to mine. So this is we should help our
children to develop a sense of self in which they are okay
standing on their own and saying, this is this is my belief. My last
point before I'm gonna pass it off to sister Hannah, because I'd like
to hear what what she'd have to add is
train your children to expect to be opposed by society to be
outnumbered by society. The prophets Allah sent him said, but
Islam will hurt him. Or that SNAM started at a strange thing was a
Yahoo but even and it will become strange again, I think near the
end of time football but an overachiever. So bless it are
those who are estranged. Right that this is something if you read
the Quran, which Prophet has all of his people welcome Him and
accept Him and believe in Him from the beginning. Nobody. They're
always opposing people. It's always the mass of people against
them. So we should try to train our children to accept that they
may have to be different, and they will be different. And that wrong
is wrong given if everybody in the world is doing it. And right is
right even if nobody else is doing it that we have to give it to us.
pantalla last statement in closing a scholar a great item and from
Syria. He said. She said to someone he said when you go to
America tell them that whatever sins they make, the door of Toba
is open the door of repentance is open. But if they say that the
Haram is actually halal, you can't make Toba from that. That will
bring Allah's displeasure upon you. So let's so he said, I mean,
we don't say this to a teenager, but it's okay if they sin, because
they can make Toba from that, but tell them to be careful of
changing the religion of Allah. Because you can't make Toba from
that. You because you're changing. So say you can keep the halal
halal and haram haram. And don't change your religion and be strong
and who you are and your own identity. Be respectful, be kind,
be generous, allow them to the congenial qumola Dean, but also
have your own beliefs about what the last prototype permits, and
what he forbids. This is a last point it was right. You created
us. He's a creator of humanity.
I'll leave it at that.
Just on the topic of the whole LGBTQ eye issues. A few years ago,
when gay marriage was legalized, I was kind of surprised to see how
many of my friends whose kids were in public school were surprised at
how supportive their children were of, of the new law. Because the
parents assumed that their kids were going to be on the same page
as they were on this topic. But they didn't realize that for so
many years, the kids had been indoctrinated in public school to
think a certain way. And so it's going to be very important to have
these conversations with our children. And
a slight different angle that I wanted to go in on the same topic.
It's also
as our sons and daughters are growing up, it's going to be
really important to get them to look at the world around them with
what we call the eye of discernment to just really notice
all the subtle messaging that's around that may not be very
obvious. That's trying to get them to accept this worldview. And one
of the things that my sons have noticed is how effeminate the
clothing is now, for men in in department stores house sometimes
they can't even tell that the shirt is it for a man or for a
woman but it's being sold in the men
As a department, and so to really give our men strong role models on
what it means to be a man and to give our young women strong role
models on what it means to be a woman, and that it's okay to be
feminine as a woman, and it's okay to be masculine as a man, because
there seems to be this concerted effort right now to do away with
masculinity and femininity, corresponding with what our
biological * is. And so we need to make sure that inshallah we're
helping our kids navigate that aspect of the environment right
now as well.
Just go ahead, and mashallah amazing viewpoints from both of
you, there's really not much to add. But just to piggyback off of
something that Dr. Assad said, as far as, you know, being able to
kind of accept that you're not always going to, you know, reflect
what everybody else is doing, and be okay with that, that, you know,
there's that famous quote, attributed to Alexander Hamilton,
if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything. And this
is really what we as Muslims have to commit to, that we have to
instill in our children, a strong sense of identity and who they are
from a very early age, which is why, you know, falling into, you
know, trends. And you see this, you know, throughout our
community, a lot of parents aren't thinking about how that's going to
affect and shape their sense of who they are, if you're always
okay with them doing Oh, just because so and so is doing it, or
just because classmates are doing it or because it's popular, you
have to as a parent, know how to draw the line between allowing
your kids to do things that are okay and healthy. And also just
blindly saying, Oh, if it's okay, by everybody else's standards,
I'll let you do that, too. Because that's how they, again, just start
to condemn, or they're conditioned to think that, you know, look at
the majority messaging, and that's what you should be doing. So
that's why celebrity culture is so you know, strong, and it has such
an effect on youth. Because that's, you know, they look at
those people as being, you know, role models, and everybody else is
so accepting of them. And so if we allow our kids to fall into that
same trap, then we shouldn't be surprised when they come home,
having adopted a lot of the views that everybody else has around
them, because who are their influencers. And this is where,
again, being, you know, really smart. As parents, we should know
that by the time our teens enter, I mean, our children enter the
world of adolescence, their peer group has far more influence over
them than we do. Up until that point, we are their primary
influencers, they'll listen, they obey. But you'll notice every
parent who has teens notices that by the time you know how to
lessons kicks in, there's suddenly you know, more pushback, they
don't, you know, they don't agree with everything, they start to
argue a little bit and push back on certain things. So you have to
be really, on top of things in terms of who are their
influencers? Who are they, you know, being influenced by, and
that's why going back to the conversations we've had so far, as
far as devices are concerned, as far as friends are concerned, all
of those things have to start very early in my experience I've found,
and I'm sure the panelists will agree that a lot of times there's
not much oversight in those areas, in the younger age, and even up
until middle school, and then high school kicks in and parents start
to panic, because it's like, oh, no, what happened to my teen? I
don't recognize them anymore. They're acting so different. And
then you ask them questions like, okay, you know, who are their
primary friends? I don't know. I don't know, their friends. What
are their interests? You know, what are what are the things that
they're into? I don't know. And this from the team perspective,
also, it contributes to why there is this huge divide. I've talked
to several teens, who have told me that their parents have no idea
who they are. They're like, they don't know who I am. They don't
have any interest in the things that I like. They don't know my
friends. And so we have to, again, as parents, look back and ask
ourselves, How much time do we take if we're coming home, and we
are ourselves drawn to this, and we're just, you know, busy with
work stuff or family stuff. And we don't take the time to actually
have open conversations with our teens. And then when a problem
arises, we suddenly panic and we call the masjid or we call Khalil
center, or we go to, you know, sister, Hannah or Dr. Assad or
whoever else that you see in the community, as a leader and now
you're trying to do damage
control, it's likely because you weren't paying attention to red
flags that were there. So we have to start paying attention. You
have to have conversations, what are my children doing if they have
a particular genre of music I've had now I think two or three
cases, where parents and teens have had huge Fallout, because of
the music that the teens are into. And, you know, I had one mom, very
frankly, tell me that she told her son, that he she, he wasn't
welcome, because he was away for college, in the house, because of
the way that the genre of music that he was into. And, you know,
she asked me what to do about and I said, what I mean, I'm just
going to tell you my opinion, that's a mistake. i It's, I would
say in that situation, instead of, you know, just closing them off,
shutting them out completely. And having no interest whatsoever.
Rather, go back to the basics of you know, what, I need to get to
know you a little bit better. Why are you interested in this type of
music, or this new, you know, way of life that you've lifestyle that
you've adopted? What is it that draws you to that? Let me enter
your world a little bit. And you know, this is where just fostering
an environment of mutual respect is so important. If your parenting
model is, that's not good enough for me, I don't like it, you're
turning your kids away. And there's plenty of people who will
receive them plenty of people who will receive them with open arms,
and tell them they don't ever have to go back to you because you're
just closed minded, you're backwards. And that's what's going
to happen. It's happening already. So what's the solution is to say,
No, I have to start being more open, having discussions, like
we've been saying all day long, and really being open to listening
to their perspective, with with respect, you know, with with that
true sincere interest in your child, because they're
individuals, as much as we want to hope that they are going to be
turned out a certain way, that's not up to us, right? If, if the
prophets couldn't control how their children turned out, we
should realize we have no control outcomes are not in our hands,
they're with Allah subhanaw taala, what we can do is do our part to
make sure that we always have that door open for them, so that
whatever they're into whatever interests, they have whatever
topics and you know, I mean, I have, for example, you know, I had
a teen say that they were very conflicted by this whole issue of
LGBTQ because one of their friends from growing up, it's a very close
friend identified as gay. And so it causes them constriction,
because how can I hate something but love someone who does that?
Right? And so, again, we have to be willing to hear those
conversations. But if our attitude is like, haram, no, that's
unacceptable. You can never talk to that person, again. You're just
exacerbating the problem. And your teen will absolutely find ways to
communicate with their friends, because you're asking them to make
a choice. It's really difficult. But if we step back and say, you
know, what, as we've been saying, respecting an individual, a human
being, because they are a human being, and they, you know, even
with all of their the things that they do as an individual that we
might not agree with, that shouldn't come, that shouldn't be
a difficult thing for a believer. Right? I mean, the prophesy
certain that was his example. He accepted people, even if they were
completely, you know, against him his own enemies, he was able to
show compassion and mercy to. So I think we have to step back and
say, this sort of black and white thinking, in general is causing a
real serious problem between parents and teens. And on this
issue, especially, I mean, I've seen it in not just in the
surveys, but in discussions I've had, a lot of our teens are very
troubled, they feel like, you know, if parents aren't even
willing to have a conversation about it, and they're so close
minded, that it just poses, you know, it starts to really
emotionally affect them towards their parents, but also the faith
that their parents ascribe to we don't want to do that. So you
know, just remembering being respectful, being open being
tolerant, but still being principled This is the believer
stance. Right from the do that. Yes, please.
Well, one point that speaking about influence on our kids, that
really resonated with me was something that Chef alo the in
Buckley shared a few years ago, he said that our children at all
times they're being influenced in three different areas at all
times. It's either the school or it's the streets and by streets,
he meant their social environment. So who their friends are this
school, the streets and the home? And he said
that parents need to be winning in two out of three of those areas.
So two out of three streets, school home, two of those, the
parents have to be the primary influence on their children. And a
book that I would like to recommend that inshallah because
it's very easy for us to say, Oh, you need to have open
conversations you have to get your kids to trust you. The question is
how right? How do we get there, there's a wonderful book called
Why parents need to hold on to your kids, why parents need to
matter more than peers hold on to your kids. Why parents need to
matter more than peers. And it's written by two psychiatrists one
of them has last name is Mai Tais, spelled like Ma Te like, mate. And
I believe the other last name is Neufeld and EU F e LD. That book
changed our parenting philosophy. And many people have told me that
that book was a very big part created a big paradigm shift for
them in how they raise their kids. So and he starts out with talking
about being with his teenagers. So inshallah there'll be some very
practical tips in that book, and how to establish that trust with
your children. And one of the things that we told our kids is
that at all times, in every relationship, in every friendship,
one person is influencing the other. So either you're
influencing your friend or your friend is influencing you. It's
never neutral. And so to help our children to really reflect on what
role are they playing in their different relationships? And what
role are their friends playing on them? And what direction are they
taking them into, so to get them to reflect for themselves as well,
rather than us always talking at them?
One little practical tip, I wanted to share that I forgot to share
earlier, when the questions were coming in about how to have open
communication with kids, one of my friends told me about something
that she does with her daughter that has worked really well for
them. So I think it's worth sharing with others. She said that
she keeps a diary
by her bed, and her daughter has access to that diary anytime she
wants. And when her daughter has something that she wants to talk
to her mother about. But she doesn't feel comfortable actually
discussing it face to face, she'll write it out in that diary to her
mother, whatever issue she's facing, and the mom will read that
diary entry from her daughter, and then she'll respond in that diary
to her daughter. And so she said that that diary has gone back and
forth between her and her daughter for a while and they don't
actually ever speak in person about what ever the topic is that
might be bothering her daughter. Sometimes kids need a little bit
of distance, to actually be able to come close to their parents to
communicate with them. And anonymity can sometimes help. Some
parents say that they have certain communications with their kids
just over email, because the kids aren't comfortable speaking face
to face about certain issues. I know some of my most valuable
conversations have happened in the car, when my child is sitting next
to me and we don't have to look at each other. And we can just have
these really deep conversations. But it doesn't get uncomfortable
where we're like in each other's faces, you know, having to look at
each other's facial expressions. So just a little tip I wanted to
share
the forgiveness forgiving, man, that's a tough one.
All right, let's do so. So we're getting questions over text
message as well that
other money are sending in so we're going to try to address
these. We have several questions over text and several here. So do
is there one that you want to start off with?
The forgiveness here?
Okay.
There's a very tough question that I think we're trying to avoid.
Mashallah.
So, how Yes, I don't have an answer.
There was a parent who filled out a survey online who has a very
good question. And to paraphrase.
The question was that my teen says that a philosopher and data is so
forgiving. Then why can't I just do what I want to do and ask Allah
for forgiveness afterwards?
And so this is a question that maybe some of us will be posed
will have posed to us maybe just different forms of taking a loss
prototype as mercy as a license to to sort of stray
My
thoughts on this. And I want to very much say that I don't have an
answer for this. But my thoughts on this would be that I think it's
important that you develop a an understanding of sin that goes
beyond points on the Day of Judgment. Right? It's very
important that they understand that disobeying Allah subhanaw
taala, that Allah subhanaw taala is not a great accountant that we
meet on the Day of Judgment, who tabulates things and we go to *
or to heaven, a relationship with Allah subhanaw taala should be
developed in which there starts to become a type of love of his
obedience, and ashame with his disobedience.
And the number one way to do that, and this is very difficult for all
of us is to model that. Right? This is not something that you can
simply say to your child, you can use conversations to further
reinforce that. But I would I would help
the young adults to start to see the impact of sin upon the heart.
Right? That if a bone heals, why shouldn't I just break your bone?
And it'll heal over time? Why not? Right? If you can lose weight, why
can't I just why don't we eat five cheese cakes in a row and gained
10 pounds right over eat, which sometimes happens, but then it's
okay because we can go to the gym. Right? Because there's heart
disease, there's consequences. And so it's important to help the
child to see that Allah subhanaw taala created this world as bad,
right? There's a famous
Moroccan saint who said, in a man co Numa, and Pa a matron, Bisola
khulumani. You do Koha, Canada and Ireland a bar, that the entire
universe is meanings that Allah put into forms. Whoever realizes
this will have learned many lessons. What does that mean? That
Allah has placed many spiritual lessons in the physical world,
it's a meaning what happens to a plant? If you pour Coca Cola on it
and you keep it in the dark? What happens to it? It's gonna die.
What happens when you give it water and sunlight in good soil?
It's going to grow, help the young adults start to see their
spiritual heart as something that's real. Is it not just haram
halal? They have judgment either. I can just make Toba right, they
have to start to see that they should, they will be ashamed with
Allah subhanaw taala. The second thing is, of course, I heard him
talk about a pre plan to Toba, not being a true Toba. You cannot
intend to sin and say, but I meant I will repent. The third aspect is
obviously that Allah subhanaw taala only knows how long our
lives are and you don't ever want to feel safe from the bucket of
Allah, Allah. God has planned for you. You don't know.
If we Allah's forgiveness is there so that if we sin, we don't
despair, and that we can get out of it. It's not there to be
abused. Okay, and so the earlier mother talk about the that there
are two wings that have to balance each other hope and Allah Clinton
has mercy and fear of his justice and his punishment. If the young
person and this is something the animals were talking about the in
youth, you have to emphasize fear of Allah subhanaw taala that he
has punishment. And if this happens, you have punishment in
the dunya before the Alfredo for sins, sometimes you'll have
difficulty you'll have all of these things. But as somebody ages
and they've accumulated sin and an elderly person, you remind them of
the hope and Allah subhanaw taala has mercy that he's merciful, that
He's forgiving. But because the youth always looks at Allah's
mercy and says I can get away with things, the elderly person is
always thinking about everything that they've done, and they can
fall into despair. So you have to help them to balance out their
hope with with a healthy dose of fear of Allah subhanaw taala and
understanding that their hearts are far more than just an
accounting booklet of points for the day of judgment. And I'm not
making light of sin and reward on the day of judgment and Allah
subhanaw taala erased all of our sins in sha Allah that's easy for
him to do, but to also understand that this is the meaning of the
Prophet sallallahu he was setting him when his own wife asked him
our mother say, didn't you shout on the Allahu anha? She asked him
she said, yeah rasool Allah, why, why do you pray at night until
your feet swell? His blessed feet would swell when Allah has given
you
a parrot he's promised you paradise and he's forgiven
anything you could have ever done. And what was the prophesy sentence
response that we all know? Should I not then be thankful servant of
Allah could not have done shakoora Should I not then be grateful
servant. It's not just about the points. He has a relationship with
a philosopher ontologies Habibollah and he's teaching us to
take our relationship with the last pantalla beyond that,
wouldn't you be ashamed for Allah Subhana Allah to see you.
Right, as opposed to you'll get sin you'll get this punishment
wouldn't you be ashamed of Allah subhanaw taala
Right. And I think these are the kinds of conversations that we
should work to have so that our children understand that these
things that Allah's puntata has made forbidden, he's made
forbidden for a reason.
Out of His wisdom his Hekmati. subhanaw taala right out of his
wanting good for us as His very bad, right that Allah subhanaw
taala he doesn't see a harm except that he forbids it. And there's
something good except that he's he's encouraged us to do it.
So they have to they see the Shetty out as arbitrary. The fun
stuff is all haram and right and the all the difficult stuff is
what we have to do. You have to help them to see it differently
than that, that Allah subhanaw taala is giving us things that is
for our heart and our soul to develop. So these are some
thoughts of mine, but I definitely think it's a very difficult
question. And it's something again, that doesn't have a
solution, but has a treatment that you should continue to have more
questions.
So one of the questions that's come in online, how can I generate
love towards salon and Quran in my kids, I see other older kids who
are regulars at the masjid, now rarely coming to the mosque unless
forced by their parents.
So there's a young man I know who, mashallah, every time I see him.
He sits in the front row at Juma and every Jamaat prayer that I've
ever seen him in, he's right there in the front row. And I was asking
him about that, like, how, where does that desire come from or that
habit, he and he told me that when he was little, he's older. Now.
He's 19. When he was little, he said, his father would give him $1
Every time he would go and sit in the front row. And he said, so as
a child, he loved collecting those dollars $5 A day adds up. And he
said, but now I just do it out of habit. It's he knows he's not
getting any dollars from anyone for sitting in the front row, but
it's become his habit. And he mashallah broke it down really
beautifully for me, because we were talking about how is the best
way to teach the religion and put a love for the religion and the
practice of the faith in the next generation. And he told me that he
thinks three things are very important. He said, one is that
there needs to be motivation. So he said, when he was little, that
dollar that he got for sitting in the front row was motivation. But
now that he's older, the motivation is talking about aka
talking about Allah subhanaw taala. But to really make sure
that there's some motivation when you're talking to your kids about
their ibadah. The second thing he said was role models. He's he
named, specific Chu, who were there in his community who
inspired him, and who he enjoyed watching while they were praying,
and that they were the ones who had a big influence on him on the
way he prayed and his desire to pray. And the third thing he told
me was, he said, motivation, role models. And the third thing he
said, was understanding, he said, it's very important to understand
why you're praying, and what you're saying, and what the point
is behind prayer. He said, For many kids, he's seen that parents
say, oh, Allah expects you to pray. So you have to pray. It's
haram not to pray, but they don't actually understand why, and
what's the purpose behind it? And as far as the question, which says
that they saw that kids who used to come regularly, and you know,
maybe we're into the Quran or into praying, but now they see that
they don't come unless their parents are, quote, unquote,
forcing them to.
What I've seen is that in life, it's, we're not just on the steady
course, there's ups and downs that come even in our own lives. And if
we look at ourselves and think that right now, if I had somebody
who was forcing me, or telling me that I have to read this much put
on every day, or I have to sit for this long and my prayer
afterwards. And Dubois, would we rebel against that? Or would that
be something that would make us go, yeah, that's something I want
to take on. And it's important that when kids after the age of
14, what I've seen is that we need to kind of give them their space.
Once you've established routines for them throughout the early
years. What I've noticed is after 14, you're really just maintaining
whatever you've taught them up to the age of 14. With all three of
my kids, I've seen that that after 14, it's really hard to start
implementing anything new. And whatever we've been teaching them
up until that point is now what we're going to be maintaining and
I hope we can build on that. But if we are going to build on it,
it's going to come from them. It's not going to come from us. It's
going to be completely self directed and self motivated. And
you know this, I learned it the hard way one of my sons. When we
gave him a car for his personal use. I told him that you can have
the car
Our we're gonna give you the car but
only on the condition that you go to the masjid for Fajr and Isha.
So if you go to the masjid for Fajr and Isha, then then you can
have the car. And he had been going, but it had been hit or
miss, it wasn't a regular thing he had been going on his own. But all
of a sudden, I saw it take a dip. It wasn't
the effect was the opposite of what I had wanted, and what I had
hoped for. And he actually told me, he said, you know, Mama up
until now, when I was doing it, it was doing I was doing it because
it was a goal I was trying to achieve for myself. But now that
you told me that in order to have the car, I have to go for *,
show to the masjid. It feels like a chore. And all of a sudden, the
desire isn't there the way it was before. And I took it back, I
apologized. And I said he could have the car. And as long as he's
not going anywhere haram in it or doing anything hold on a minute,
God forbid, he's welcome to use the family car. But
but that was a big lesson for me that
you can't force kids to do to do anything when they're older. We're
talking to parents of teens right now. So after the age of 14, you
have to give them the space to figure it out. And hopefully,
you've been setting routines and giving them role models throughout
their life before.
So there's questions about is it okay to give your teenager a
phone.
Every family has to assess their own child and their own
relationship with their children and what they want. Not every
child is the same. And different children struggle with different
kinds of addictions, some children are able to set limits for
themselves, some aren't they need, you know, direction from their
parents, more than other kids.
Personally, just for our families, just to share what we did is our
kids did not have smartphones, throughout high school. And but
with the understanding that when they graduated from high school,
they were going to get the latest iPhone, but they so they had a
light at the end of the tunnel. But throughout high school, they
had dumb phones. And one of my sons said that other kids used to
take pictures of his phone, because they thought it was like
such this antique relic. Nobody had seen dumb phones, you know.
And, you know, they got they said, People gave them a hard time and
like, why don't you have a smartphone. But generally, if they
told me that they're having a lot of fun over there and
want to join that room. So
what did they tell me? They told me Oh, yeah, they said that. At
the end of the day, even even the kids who don't understand or make
fun of you or whatever, at the end of the day, they get the parents
or authority figures. And if the kids say, You know what my parents
are the ones paying for my phone. I don't have a job. This is the
phone I get I gotta make do with it.
At the end of the day, everybody understands that. I mean, whether
they think it's a good idea, or not everyone has their own
opinions. But alhamdulillah Oui, oui. My 15 year old has a
smartphone at home that he's able to use to communicate on WhatsApp
with family.
But it stays at home. It doesn't leave the house. And
that's it that they have. They had flip phones up until graduating
from high school. That was our family, you probably have a
different experience. Yeah.
Yeah.
So I think this is one of those things that every family is
different, and every child is probably different.
And also the the environment in the peer group, whether through
relatives, or friends or school makes a big difference. So I don't
think there's a one size fits all solution. And I typically think
questions like this are more about principles and guidelines than
they are about set rules that at this age, it becomes suddenly
appropriate. Certain people mature better, some people have better
impulse control. Other kids are very addictive personalities. So
yeah, I think we handled it a little bit differently.
This is a question
to touch upon. So the question says, It doesn't matter how much
you create the good environment, kids from age 12 to 14 are more
likely to listen to their friends and try to isolate themselves from
parents. And this is one of the age milestones. We cannot deny
this milestone. So how so how are we parents? So how should we as
parents deal with this and build more trust? This is a very good
question. I think whoever asked this question, simply realizing
that they're in a different milestone and who they will listen
to, is is is half the battle. I'll share two brief points and then
hopefully, I just want to try to give time to get through the
questions. Two brief points. One is I think it is important that
yes, you show your child that you trust them, that you believe in
them, treating your
child like a criminal will simply engender criminal behavior. They
will start to hide things they will, whatever you tell them they
are. I even sometimes will bluff that I'm worried about something
as I'm not worried about you Mashallah. You have taqwa, you
know, you know, and you tell them these things, and it will become
their own inner voice of, of what my parents believed me to be. But
if you say, no, no, I'm not letting you out alone. I know you.
If you have freedom, I know what you're going to do with it, then,
oh, yeah, maybe I should, if that's what they think of me, I
might as well enjoy it. And if I'm already getting blamed for it. So
it's very important to have that positive reinforcement. I just
want to, I don't like to translate is but I wanted to read this verse
from sort of earlier Imran and it just will just translate it, no
commentary, and just think about how it might relate to this. Now
this according to the Mufasa, it was revealed in the context of the
Battle of
when some of the Sahaba had left their post, and the Prophet SAW
Saddam, suffered some injuries, etc. A very sad day for the
Prophet SAW sent him in the sahaba. So lost contact. It says,
By the way, the minim astonishing forbade Rama to mean Allah He
linter Lucha
and it was by God's grace, that you were gentle with them.
Okay, that it's Allah's grace, that he gave you the gentleness
when you dealt with them. What Oh, couldn't afford one Hadith Al Al
khaldi Learn for Domon Holic and had you been harsh and hard of
heart, they would have indeed broken away from you. If you
treated them in a way he's now talking about the prophets are
cinnamon the Sahaba that had you been harsh and hard hearted with
them, they would have broken away from them from you. Five who was
Stubblefield Allahu wa with whom Phil amor for either Assumpta
PhotoWorks Allah Allah in Allah, you have been moto Joaquin. So
pardon them, then and pray for them that they are forgiven, and
take counsel with them in all matters of public concern. Then
when you have decided on a course of action, place your trust in
Allah, the role of Tawakkol in parenting cannot be overstated.
You have to trap trust in Allah subhanaw taala if you think your
parenting can do it, you're you're really diluting. I don't think
anybody, I don't think any parent of a teenager feels that way and
hamdulillah right, you know that you need a last minute that is
grace, you know that you need his help. So he says, So place your
trust in God for verily God loves, loves those who place their trust
in Him. So having I think that is a nice parenting related verse to
think about, that it's from a familiar, familiar committeemen
Allah heyland Telaga level, that it's through the grace of Allah
subhana Tada that you are gentle with them. So I would say, tell
them, be gentle with them. Forgive them, seek, make external fodder
for them, seek their counsel start to treat them like an adult, start
to bring them in, out of childhood. And, you know, the one
of the things I always say to my teenagers, you know, what
distinguishes a child from an adult, as a child is only thinking
about their needs, and they want It's not strange when a child sees
candy. It says I want candy, right? That's what they are. But
when you transition to an adult, and you start to you have to start
thinking about the group and about others and my behavior, my neffs
is no longer guiding every decision I make. And so your adult
newness is measured by that and not by your height, not by your
weight and not by your how many days you've been alive. That's
what defines men, because he's a he's a young man. And that's what
defines women.
One of the questions here says many of the answers provided are
about communication with our teenagers. What can I do in a
situation where the teenager does not want to talk? He just wants to
be left alone.
That's very, very normal. I think every parent here of a teenager,
especially those of us who have sons know that experience of of
young men especially wanting to pull away wanting privacy, not
wanting to be nagged, not wanting to be asked 100 questions about
what are you thinking what's going on? So it's going it's more
important to create a positive environment and make sure that
they feel safe and that they feel comfortable and that they actually
want to just hang around with you uncomfortable silence. And
sometimes, something may come out after a long time of just sitting
around quietly, but not feeling like they have to produce or they
have to present something to you. When when you guys are sitting
together. It's important that again, like that triangle we
talked about a friendship
If the positivity being the base, it should be a positive
experience. And that sometimes can mean just sitting in comfortable
silence, you can't force anyone to talk, you have to make sure that
they feel safe. And the way they feel safe is by knowing that
you're, you know, having a high opinion of them the way Dr. Oz had
mentioned. Not constantly grilling them, trying to get stuff out of
them, not checking up on them, and
letting them know that you accept them the way they are, and that
you're here. If they ever do want to talk. It won't last forever. At
some point. Kids do share. It may not be today or tomorrow, but it
does happen. Yeah, one tiny point on this matter of youth not
wanting to talk.
Two quick points just because we're tight on time. One is for if
you still have children who are younger than teens, you have to
start investing in that relationship early. If the child
is somebody to not be seen or be heard. And then when they're 14 is
a no, no, hold on, talk to me about everything on your mind.
That's not a fair expectation, right? So you have to invest in
that relationship. And the second thing is, if the relationship is
always either lecturing, or telling them how they should be
living, that's not an enjoyable conversation that a teen would
like to sustain.
As much as difficult as it may be for us develop an interest in what
they're interested in, no matter how silly you think it is. Right?
Develop a listen to them. It's amazing. Sometimes my I'm gonna
get in trouble for this. But sometimes my son tells me he goes,
Bob, I know you don't care. Just pretend to care for the next five
minutes. Tell me Yeah. Oh, SubhanAllah. Wow. Right. And he
knows I don't care, right. But he just wants an audience. But even
in that listening to him, right, even in that listening to him, I
want him to speak to you about something I think is the dumbest
thing in the world, right? Because I want him to feel that kind of
connection, that positivity to have somebody listen to you and
smile and say, really? Oh, my God, no, no, he's a horrible player.
This player is better. You think he's, you know, I stopped watching
basketball for years. I couldn't tell you a single player, I was
still in the Michael Jordan era. Now because I have a teenager, you
have to start to know you. You have to otherwise what's your
conversation? How was school today? Do you have any homework?
Did you clean your room? Who wants to talk to me at that point? So
that's something else I think I would keep in mind.
And if your kids are playing video games, play video games with them.
So you know what they're playing, and they have a fun experience
with you.
All right. How are we doing? enforcement's? Oh, I think I think
we're wrapping up. It's 916. All right, any other questions?
There were a couple of questions that some different people had
sent up about how to help a child, how to keep a teenager from
falling in love, and
hearts, our hearts, I don't know if we can control who who a person
likes and doesn't like and how strongly they feel.
For somebody of the opposite gender, I think, again, going back
to making sure that we try and create a safe environment where
our kids we can talk to our kids about, about their feelings. What
what I've seen, some parents do that, I think is,
is a good way to get your kids to think more future facing is to
talk about what kinds of qualities they'd like to see in the future
spouse, so that they're not actually talking about the person
they may have a crush on right now that they may be in love with
right now, talking about like, what are you looking for, like
when you get married one day, Inshallah, what are the qualities
that you'd like to see in a future in a future spouse and then
hopefully through that lens, they'll share you know, what, what
qualities they like, don't like and helping teaching them how to
do the work for what they want, and doing the work for them in
their presence. Like May Allah subhanaw taala give you a spouse
who's going to take you to gender one day and who you're going to
take the genuine day Angela, you guys are going to be positive
influences on each other and who's going to bring our families
together and letting them see that what's important to you as well.
And
but as far as like, protecting your kids from falling in love, I
don't think anyone's ever been able to do that the heart is the
heart so but we can create Halal environments definitely you know,
like teaching our kids about how they should be interacting with
the opposite gender and
whatnot. Okay. Anything else?
Think that's it. We need Husain to come
up for us. Oh, sure.
Okay, I tried to cover the content. We did. Yeah.
Yeah.
So so going into a room of boys, it was pretty quiet for a while
you guys are talking about that. And I thought, you know, man, this
half hour is going to be difficult. And we're going to be
back in here within a half an hour. But the kids started to
really open up and I met a lot of I think about 20, wonderful young
teenage boys. And
I'll just quickly summarize the theme.
The communication gap is the number one theme that came up and
the generation gap and the cult, the communication gap, the
generation gap and the continental gap. So by that I mean
communicating.
And the adults understanding what the kids are going through, that
would be the second one. And just the adults not understanding the
environment that the kids are growing up in, and they're trying
to be good. And they're trying to do it their own way. They have
their own hearts, and sort of us as adults kind of,
you know, living life the way our parents raised us. So those were
kind of the three themes that came up. They were all good natured,
good hearted, one of the things that, you know, really, really
made me sad that I heard was,
I'm not going to try anymore, because I'll be leaving the house
soon enough.
That's the most sad thing to me, that I hear is when kids shut
down, and they're not being heard. And they know they just have two,
three more years and there'll be gone, they won't have to deal with
it. And that's when the parents are going to be sad. So my
response to the, to the to the to the boys were, you know, as a
parent, I have to worry about whether when they leave the house,
they're going to want to call dad back and talk to him just to see
how he is. And if I'm not concerned with how I feel that I'm
not going to do the right thing for them. So I would say to the
parents, if you want your children to come back and call you, you
have to invest in what they want, and what they think and understand
how they feel, and make them happy. And it's okay if they mess
up because they're not perfect. But you have to be the adult for
them and keep that relationship for them. They are toddler adults.
So a 15 year old is a three year old toddler in the body of an
adult, they're toddler adults. So the really good kids, mashallah
they opened up. I don't know if you heard the cheering contest,
the girls cheered and we cheered. I think the guys want.
But yeah, so so they're really, really good kids. And that's what
makes me I would say that the adult starts here and the child
starts here, and the child grows, and the adult stays the same. And
then there's a criss cross point. So the kid is going this way, and
the adults still staying the same, it doesn't work. So as adults, the
kids come here, and we have to go with them.
You have to change your adult, you have to change your parenting
style, by the age of 11 to 13 Seriously with boys. I don't have
that experience with girls see the hard ones here. But be be really,
really trying to be flexible. And what Dr. Asa and when I said here
and I heard the last part of it is just really having the adults
invest in making the strategy of change. You guys are the adults,
you have to find a strategy for change that works for both you and
your children as they grow. So inshallah that's that's the advice
that I would have. And that's my experience in the room. I'll turn
it over for superheroines Weiss worlds.
We're wrapping up. So I just
I guess to read to reinforce
what Brother Zhi Shan said, something that I took note of was,
how my parents react, prevents me from opening up, how my parents
react, prevents me from opening up. Some of them have parents that
they said they just can't talk to you about what they're actually
going through.
Some of them said they have parents who told them to come and
tell us anything talk to us about anything, but when they did that,
the reaction was so negative or left them feeling so negative.
When they went to their rooms. They said I never want to do that
again. So now I'm just going to put my head down and just bear
with it until like the other brothers said, I'm off the cuff
Khalid soon so I'm out of there. So
another one was that a theme that they felt was God forgives, but my
parents don't.
God forgives. But my parents don't.
Toba or repentance is one of the primary gifts of religion. Besides
like knowledge of God Himself, the gift of religion is repentance, a
mechanism by which we can write our wrongs. And so we're actually
taught that we should be forgiving to the degree, we want Allah to
forgive us. That's a principle to memorize and live by, forgive
others to the degree, you wish, Allah will forgive you.
Also, a big one was the inability to compromise, learn to negotiate
certain things with your children, especially when it comes to things
that are not explicitly forbidden by the religion, learn to
negotiate a big theme was driving, wanting to drive. And honestly,
it's something I'm personally terrified of, I helped my wife and
I, we partnered in helping one of our daughters drive, and after
that, I told her, I'm never doing that again.
So now from our youngest daughter, who is now you know, eager, she
saw her big sister be able to drive now she's been so eager and
hyped to dry. I told my wife, honestly, that's you. It's not me.
And that was fair, we negotiated, I was upfront when my daughter do
not take it personally, it's just that I did not enjoy the enjoy the
experience of teaching your older sister how to drive, it was too
terrifying. It caused me too much anxiety, it was affecting our
relationship negatively. And so I just can't do it. I'm jealous, but
we negotiate, especially for days that are not forbidden into
religion. Your children want to do certain things, learn to have that
discussion. Well, hey, maybe if I let them do this, that will
actually empower them positively. In the, in the area that I would
like to see them have growth in one person was like, I want to be
able to drive. I love cars, I'm very passionate about cars. But
they said I gotta get a 3.5 and then a 4.0. And I don't mean the
engine.
Okay, so it's like, you know, as a parent, well, you know, maybe if I
give them some flexibility, it will actually instill a sense of
confidence that my parents trust and love me. And that will spill
over into improvements. In other areas. Also, stop comparing to
other quote, unquote, perfect family members, was a big one,
they reference to a certain cousin or older, was a who five, so it
was like, they're always being compared. Your child is your
child, meet them where they are, and have an attitude. Like I say,
in my household, our way is to build up, not tear down, do not
tear your kids down, you are the means by which they came into the
world. They're one of your most precious assets. If you have a
kid, that means you signed up for that.
So take that as your prized possession. And let them feel like
you are they are the star of your life. Like I'm always telling my
daughters, I'm your biggest fan. I'm your biggest fan, you should
be the biggest fan of your children, and not be afraid to sit
down and level with them, meet them where they are, and not act
like it's just all about you. It's not all about you, when you get
married, it's cease being all about you. Marriage is a
compromise situation. You have to write, compromise and negotiate
with your husband. You have to compromise and negotiate with your
way. Right? Same thing with your children is not just this constant
top down. Because what that's doing is making them check out.
And that's the last thing you want them to do you want yourselves to
be the first check in. So I challenged the boys. I said I'm
just challenging you to have that. Just so you know moment with your
parents. Just say just so you know, mom or dad, when you talk to
me this way. When I do come to you, you make me feel so negative.
I never want to talk to you again.
Does any parent like to hear that from their child? No.
No.
So I challenged him to have that conversation and I also bring it
and put it back in you all support. Have that conversation
I have that just so you know, conversation with your kids. Hey,
just so you know, I actually love you and care about you, I just
have a hard time understanding your culture, the way the
environment that you're growing up in, I can relate with that. I can
relate with the type of music, you listen to the type of artist you
listen to, you say the word rap, I just add a C in front of it
automatically.
Okay, so be willing to have that conversation, I'm challenging you
to have that let's just be real with each other conversation, to
be willing to admit, as a parent, you know, I'm just treating you
the way my parents treated me, for better or for worse. And maybe
that's not working.
I'm just disciplining you the way my parents discipline me. And
maybe that's not working.
Have that conversation, because at some point, the relationship has
to be genuine and real.
It has to be genuine and real. If not, it's just you're raising,
they're looking at you as a hypocrite. And it breeds hypocrisy
in themselves, too. And that's why I wanted
to make it easy and mean, better coffee can marshal again, sage
advice, just like look and see the heroine. We are right about at the
end of this. I wanted to end with actually reading something and ask
you for just patience. I'll try to go through this as fast as I can.
But it was a post that was posted on Sunday and it was actually see
the heroine who recommended that we read this to really just drive
point drive the points that we've been making even further for all
of you about open communication, negotiation, all of the stuff that
was just mentioned. So I'm just gonna go ahead and read Bismillah
This is from a sister named Susie is my age. She also works with
teens, so please pay attention. Last weekend I spoke at a youth
conference on the topic of gender interaction. When the talk
finished I asked the room of over 100 teens aged 13 to 18 years old.
If they had any questions. I was met with complete silence,
thinking that hesitation and embarrassment may be the culprit.
I shared my cell number with the teens and asked them to text me
any questions they had on the topics we covered, expecting maybe
four to five questions from a few brave souls. I was shocked to see
my phone light up with question after question after question that
continued late into the night long after the session was over. In the
end, I received over 100 text messages from 79 Different teens.
Some of the numbers were cloaked in anonymity, and couched in doubt
of whether or not parents might find out the questions ranged from
is marijuana and vaping really haram to Why do my parents hate me
so much? To How do I stop people from bullying me and beating me up
in school? To comments such as I'm not sure I believe in God anymore.
Or I'm really depressed and sometimes I don't think life is
worth living, to heartbreaking words of how do I recover from
something really bad that I've never told anyone about? Buried
amidst the questions about sexuality LGBTQIA plus secret
boyfriends and body image, their lives a palpable undercurrent of
fear, sadness, loneliness, and a type of desperate reaching out.
What broke my heart was after staying up late and responding to
each and every text. So many of those teens sent back a surprised
message of I didn't think you would really answer or wow, I
didn't expect a response. Have we turned our backs on our youth that
they no longer ask because they expect to be dismissed or ignored?
Have we led them to believe that they will not be heard, validated
or responded to? So many of these questions and comments that came
through my phone that night were stitched with threads of helpless
desperation, a cry that shook the depths of my consciousness as a
mother, a speaker and educator, a counselor and a community member?
We are so quick to blame our youth for not talking to us. But are we
accessible enough to them in the way that they need to speak and
express themselves? Do we simply expect them to mold to our method
of communication and the guidelines we provide? Last
weekend I learned more from the teens that attended that session,
and from the text that came in than they could ever learn from
me. I pray that Allah subhanaw taala guides us all as parents,
teachers, mentors, friends and community leaders, to be better to
do better to open up the channels of communication with our
children, to listen to hear and to love. May Allah Subhana Allah
forgive us for our feelings and raising our children with a sense
of security and safety, safety, to face their fears with us by their
side. May God make us better than we were and better than we are in
protecting our youth and being there for them when they need us
the most. And when we need them the most to learn to understand to
grow and to heal together before it is too late. We cannot lose
another heart another mind or another soul. I mean it was my
ain't everybody's Mashallah.
Thank you so much everybody for staying for attending for
entrusting us with your beautiful children. We had some amazing
conversations I just spent a short amount of time with them but even
that time I wish I could increase it and I asked them and
hamdulillah it was unanimous Would you come again if we provided this
forum for you, all the hands went up. Please allow the people in
this community like the panelists up here with me and myself. And
Suzanne OSA Suzanne who is in the room still with the girls to do
this service with you alongside you, it takes a village we have to
support one another. We are here for you and I expect will love you
and my kids are hit teens I'm going to be coming to all of you
as well. Like be there for me I need to look to my community and
say that there will be people there who will help them navigate
tough conversations. And so I really want us to embrace these
events if we do this again and shall I pray we're able to do this
again that you come back you take the surveys online please and ask
your children to do that as well do the questionnaires. Inshallah
with that, we'll close the event but before I do, we will have a
light dinner afterwards so please make sure to eat. I'm going to ask
Dr. Assad to please close us out with a with a short doctor.
The doctor your doctor, the heart doctor this mula.
manakamana him from the load but last Sunday was send him a
barracuda seen him early. He was like Can you send them along
Masada Allah say I'm humbled to be with you what I've eaten up Daniel
shifa noodle absurdity with Leah. Rakuten Arhuaco Rita you have
other early he was missing him to Sleeman Kathira Allahumma salli
ala Sayyidina. Muhammad did refer to him over the cold hardy minima
Saba conocer hockey Bill aqua and I had in a South African Mr. Team,
but he called the human mother in Aleem, oh Allah we ask you to give
us in our children all of the harlequin Muhammadiyah and give us
the character of the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam, we
asked you to make our homes or homes of love of the prophets I
send them love of Allah subhanaw taala make our homes filled with
deen and filled with faith we ask you to enable us to raise our
children in a way that is pleasing to you and is good for them in
both this world and the next. We ask you to guide them and to
protect them from themselves and from society. We ask you to make
their mistakes small ones and make their mistakes things they learned
from when we ask you to help us to guide them and give them good
friends and good spouses. May Allah subhanaw taala make this
community one in which all of its youth are protected and rescued
and saved and die on full and complete faith in Allah subhanaw
taala and his buzzard messenger Salallahu Alaihe Salam, may Allah
subhanaw taala take any of the difficulties that are present in
any of the homes out? May He make all of it easy May he make love
between parent and child between husband and wife and between
siblings may Allah Subhana Allah mix Akina in our homes make it
places of love of one another and love of Allah and His Messenger
was a little more basic. I just sent him home a daughter and he
was talking to Senator Steve McCarthy it obviously to certain
Fatiha