Hosai Mojaddidi – Divorce With Dignity

Hosai Mojaddidi
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AI: Summary ©

The speakers discuss the importance of communication and sharing experiences in divorce, as well as the importance of premarital counseling and avoiding emotions. They emphasize the need for clarity and control in relationships, as well as the importance of learning how to deal with emotions and finding the best person to deal with them. The speakers stress the need for control and maintaining a sense of control, and emphasize the importance of finding the best person for each situation.

AI: Summary ©

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			The topic that I wanted to prepare or
		
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			that I'm here to speak about is on
		
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			divorcing with dignity.
		
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			Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala commands those seeking
		
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			divorce to do so honorably.
		
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			In chapter 65 verse 2, Allah subhanahu wa
		
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			ta'ala says, فَإِذَا بَلَغْنَ عَجَلَهُنَّ فَأَمْسِكُهُنَّ بِمَعْرُوفٍ
		
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			أَوْ فَارِقُهُنَّ بِمَعْرُوفٍ When they have completed their
		
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			appointed term, the period, either keep them honorably
		
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			or part with them honorably.
		
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			So what this refers to is really the
		
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			way that we conduct ourselves as spouses even
		
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			in this very difficult time when we have
		
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			made the decision to part ways.
		
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			Allah expects nothing but the best from us.
		
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			So he tells us to make sure that
		
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			our disposition, our attitude, all of that, that
		
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			we maintain a sense of dignity and a
		
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			sense of obviously taqwa during the process of
		
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			divorce and obviously beyond.
		
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			So how we communicate with one another, how
		
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			we treat one another, how we speak about
		
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			one another to others, essentially what we would
		
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			call the rules of engagement for divorce that
		
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			we have to make sure that it is
		
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			again with the highest standard seeking the pleasure
		
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			of Allah subhana wa ta'ala.
		
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			Now when we look at the skyrocketing divorce
		
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			rates and by the way there is a
		
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			nice poster outside from the family institute that
		
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			they put some statistics for you.
		
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			I would if you didn't see it please
		
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			walk past it and I took a picture
		
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			personally.
		
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			I think it is good to have that
		
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			data whether you are married or single or
		
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			divorced just to see that these are very
		
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			real, real unfortunate situations that in every community
		
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			I am sure in the U.S. and
		
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			abroad we see it is just escalating the
		
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			numbers of divorce and we are almost at
		
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			the national average which is 50%.
		
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			So when we look at these and we
		
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			see how contentious breakups can get and I
		
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			could tell you stories for days.
		
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			Currently actually I was just telling the Shaykh
		
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			that as I was about to get on
		
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			the stage I was contacted by a sister
		
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			who is fearful that things are escalating so
		
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			bad in her marriage that it may end
		
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			up in a divorce today and so she
		
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			was desperately seeking my intervention.
		
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			We have a crisis and that is why
		
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			when we look at how things get so
		
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			out of hand especially when children are involved
		
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			we have to go back to the Qur
		
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			'an because the Qur'an and the principles
		
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			of our faith give us guidance on how
		
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			to make sure that we are doing things
		
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			in the mutual interest of all parties involved
		
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			and of course as Shaykh mentioned because Iblis
		
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			is the one who is often times the
		
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			catalyst for the divorce.
		
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			He is only interested in dividing and conquering
		
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			and what is he aiming to conquer?
		
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			Of course our souls, our spirits and so
		
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			the flames that he incites doesn't just go
		
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			away once the divorce is enacted.
		
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			Often times it carries through the process of
		
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			divorce so you see these two individuals who
		
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			were once maybe in love with each other
		
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			who once had some muwatta between their hearts
		
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			now completely turning against each other and reasoning
		
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			in some cases is very difficult to do
		
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			so with people who have been compromised in
		
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			this way by the waswasa of Shaytan to
		
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			basically seek justice to become vengeful and even
		
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			at the expense of their own children we
		
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			see very tragic cases where children become pawns
		
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			in the process of divorce because the parents
		
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			are so eager to hurt one another.
		
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			You know if you're hurt if you've been
		
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			hurt you want to get justice from the
		
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			one who hurts you so you find any
		
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			way and even if it's your own children
		
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			and I've seen it really horrific cases I'm
		
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			sure the Shaykh has seen it as well
		
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			so we have to turn this ship that's
		
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			sinking back around.
		
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			How do we do this in terms of
		
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			really reinstating these principles of our deen back
		
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			into our community as the Shaykh mentioned I
		
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			100% endorse what he said about premarital
		
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			counseling and I think all the imams who
		
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			are doing the nikahs are now on board
		
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			and I pray to Allah that we actually
		
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			make it a policy that no nikah can
		
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			ever be issued or certified without the prerequisite
		
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			of premarital counseling because first of all we
		
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			need to establish compatibility we also need to
		
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			you know a lot of the reasons that
		
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			people married before for example continuity you know
		
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			family there was a lot of considerations that
		
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			were beyond the individuals you know you wanted
		
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			to keep your family together there were villages
		
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			that often married within tribes that married within
		
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			financial considerations most of those are not our
		
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			context in the modern world people are now
		
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			marrying for you know more personal specific very
		
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			specific reasons and sometimes the family is not
		
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			really part of that they're not factored in
		
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			at all so when you haven't really thought
		
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			through your decision to really think about when
		
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			you marry it's not just you as two
		
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			individuals you will have to think about things
		
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			that you're not thinking about right now because
		
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			you're swept away in the hollywood and bollywood
		
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			and lollywood and whatever other would ideas of
		
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			romance and marriage that maybe have swept you
		
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			away but marriage is real marriage is very
		
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			serious and it's a lot of work and
		
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			more than anything you need support and family
		
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			so that's what premarital premarital counseling offers is
		
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			perspective for couples to really weigh their decision
		
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			make sure there's compatibility across all of these
		
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			points religious compatibility which is which is one
		
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			of the reasons for divorce by the way
		
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			a high reason that many people find within
		
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			their marriage suddenly we're we're going into two
		
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			completely different trajectories all of this can be
		
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			in many cases worked out in the process
		
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			of the premarital counseling so now how do
		
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			we though go back going back to divorce
		
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			how do we reclaim or reinstate these principles
		
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			how do we encourage couples to implement these
		
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			beautiful virtues of our of our especially when
		
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			they're overwhelmed with very powerful emotions like fear
		
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			uncertainty anger right how can they manage their
		
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			their grief and loss at what they had
		
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			because that's really what what it is you've
		
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			built a life and now it's all gone
		
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			and that's why death and divorce are sometimes
		
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			paralleled the the feelings the emotions that come
		
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			because it is a grief process you have
		
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			to let go of the life that you
		
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			thought you were going to have and then
		
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			the idea of rebuilding can also be very
		
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			very uh it can bring a lot of
		
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			fear into individuals so how do we then
		
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			help people what's missing especially through i mean
		
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			not just in divorce but in marriage is
		
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			healthy communication and i wanted to give you
		
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			i like to give acronyms and if i
		
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			had a whiteboard i'm a teacher i would
		
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			write all this out for you just because
		
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			as a visual learner these things stick but
		
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			i'm going to give you three words that
		
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			um hopefully you will remember in terms of
		
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			how i would define healthy communication for the
		
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			process of divorce we need to teach people
		
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			how to communicate clearly confidently and with control
		
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			so clear confident and controlled communication so a
		
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			couple that wants to divorce with honor and
		
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			dignity this and and to avoid their emotions
		
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			taking over them they have to learn how
		
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			to do this and one of the best
		
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			advice of course we get is from the
		
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			prophet himself when he was advising uh one
		
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			of the sahaba named wabisa and it wasn't
		
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			on divorce necessarily but still his words ring
		
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			true even in this context he said that
		
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			once or why he says the one who
		
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			is reporting this he said that the prophet
		
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			once said to me he he entered a
		
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			room and the prophet saw him and then
		
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			the prophet of course having this um he
		
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			had insight into people he could sometimes uh
		
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			you know he knew what people needed just
		
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			from looking at them and this was that
		
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			case so he said to him have you
		
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			come to ask me about righteousness and sin
		
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			yeah wabisa and he said yes so the
		
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			prophet said and i love to again visualize
		
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			these moments he clenched his fist and the
		
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			english translation says he struck his chest but
		
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			of course we know the prophet was the
		
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			most gentle of beings so this is not
		
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			a hard strike it's just a you know
		
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			a tap more of a tap with the
		
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			fist and he said to him consult your
		
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			soul consult your heart if that's the nafsic
		
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			if righteousness is what reassures your soul and
		
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			your heart and sin is what wavers in
		
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			your soul and puts tension in your chest
		
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			even if people approve it in their judgments
		
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			again and again so this is where we
		
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			have to reorient individuals who are going through
		
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			this process to go back to the principles
		
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			of their faith but really to look into
		
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			their heart because it's very clear what is
		
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			good is clear what is wrong is clear
		
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			but when you're overwhelmed by emotions and you
		
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			have people in your ear this is why
		
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			family and friends also the the the confidants
		
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			or the people that you consult with matter
		
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			so i always advise against necessarily getting in
		
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			getting family involved right from the beginning because
		
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			sometimes their bias can also push you in
		
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			a direction that may not be in your
		
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			best interest same with very close friends i've
		
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			seen friends i think sometimes push people into
		
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			divorce unfortunately because they let their emotions get
		
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			affected how could he do this to you
		
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			what a jerk he doesn't deserve you those
		
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			are not the words that someone contemplating divorce
		
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			necessarily needs to hear maybe they need to
		
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			be reminded as allah tells us to think
		
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			of the good right when a person is
		
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			is uh overwhelmed you want to remind them
		
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			of the the good of their partner to
		
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			prevent divorce and of course if it reaches
		
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			that point that's different but we should never
		
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			push people in that direction because we let
		
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			our emotions get the best of us so
		
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			consulting your um your heart is what the
		
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			prophet is telling wabi sahir and i think
		
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			for divorce or the couples who are in
		
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			the process of divorce they need to do
		
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			the same because because if they're not again
		
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			really mindful of their their accountability to allah
		
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			subhanahu wa ta'ala that is when things
		
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			get out of hand that is when you
		
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			see weaponization of many things within the divorce
		
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			process which can become incredibly toxic not just
		
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			for the couple but for their children if
		
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			children are involved and the extended family members
		
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			so how do we then establish clarity and
		
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			communication this means that both parties need to
		
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			communicate their intentions and hold themselves accountable before
		
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			allah subhanahu wa ta'ala so when you
		
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			if you as a couple are coming and
		
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			you decide to divorce you have to be
		
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			clear about your intentions what does that mean
		
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			do you want to take the children is
		
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			that your whole goal do you are you
		
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			uh fair and balanced do you have you
		
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			know a sense of okay let's be just
		
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			here what are your intentions and not to
		
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			get into this idea that i have to
		
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			do everything subversively and secretly and i'm going
		
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			to make phone calls and get my lawyers
		
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			involved and i have this plan and this
		
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			plan and it's all this you know tactical
		
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			approach like you're in war we shouldn't do
		
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			that we should be clear that you know
		
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			i just i mean we've call us and
		
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			as we the sheikh mentioned amicable divorce is
		
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			obviously the best way to try to be
		
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			mutually aligned in terms of separating for the
		
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			sake of allah subhanahu wa ta'ala in
		
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			the best way that would uh not incur
		
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			his wrath so they must know not they
		
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			must know that to weaponize or try to
		
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			game the system out of spite or vengeance
		
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			will only lead to further harm taking the
		
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			higher road is difficult but will ultimately garner
		
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			the pleasure of allah so this means setting
		
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			aside personal anger sense of betrayal and justice
		
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			and acting within the boundaries of sharia right
		
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			whatever your feelings are allah subhanahu wa ta
		
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			'ala that justice that you're seeking that healing
		
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			that you're seeking will come through you seeking
		
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			the pleasure of allah not you trying to
		
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			game the system and force it through the
		
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			political apparatus or some other apparatus that's not
		
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			going to get you the peace that you
		
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			want it's only from allah subhanahu wa ta
		
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			'ala so trying to bypass allah and go
		
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			through all these other means will actually ensure
		
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			more harm for you but sometimes again friends
		
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			and people who are not thinking with this
		
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			objectivity will push people to do things on
		
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			emotion and not in their own best interest
		
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			so clarity that's what clarity means confidence the
		
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			couple or the individuals thinking of divorce they
		
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			must be confident about their decisions by reaching
		
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			out to legal experts well versed in both
		
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			islamic law and fiqh of divorce sometimes there
		
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			are differences obviously in the way that we
		
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			handle divorce from a legal perspective and i'm
		
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			talking here in the west wherever a person
		
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			resides they would have to look at their
		
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			courts there are some things that are aligned
		
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			and some things that are very very different
		
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			so you have to reach out to experts
		
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			that have hopefully grounding in both if it's
		
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			possible and there are masha'allah many people
		
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			who understand fiqh of divorce as well as
		
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			have a good understanding of the legal system
		
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			and those would be the most ideal individuals
		
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			and masha'allah our community is rich with
		
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			very learned people who are professionals in many
		
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			different disciplines while also having pursued islamic uh
		
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			you know studies so seek out those individuals
		
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			instead of having different people because sometimes it
		
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			can over be overwhelming and then the loudest
		
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			voice will win and if it's the divorce
		
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			lawyer who's non-muslim who's telling you yeah
		
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			let's go get them this way and this
		
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			way because they're you know rallying you in
		
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			when you're in a vulnerable state you may
		
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			actually end up making some pretty catastrophic decisions
		
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			so the soundest way to approach this is
		
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			i need to find someone who's objective but
		
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			also an expert who can give me really
		
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			good nasiha advice with both within both of
		
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			these parameters inshallah and it's also just to
		
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			remember and i kind of already mentioned this
		
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			but it's not the time to entrust these
		
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			major life decisions with well-meaning but often
		
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			emotionally misguided family and friends those closest to
		
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			us may lack the objectivity needed to really
		
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			think about the long-term consequences of short
		
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			-term decisions neutral third parties who are trained
		
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			and have seen all types of divorces are
		
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			going to be able to give a couple
		
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			the confidence they need during a time where
		
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			their emotions are often impaired or impairing their
		
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			judgment so then control so we covered clarity
		
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			and confidence and now how do you help
		
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			a couple maintain control another really important part
		
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			of an honorable divorce process is maintaining your
		
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			comportment or control which usually comes as a
		
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			result of clear communication and building confidence so
		
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			if you're doing the first two you will
		
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			maintain a sense of control if you're not
		
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			doing the first two that's when things get
		
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			overwhelming for you so you have to go
		
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			you know in this order um without these
		
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			two either party can easily begin to unravel
		
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			as they are filled with doubt and security
		
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			fear and anger control is necessary for couples
		
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			to stay within the boundaries of sharia and
		
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			not succumb to heightened emotions a sense of
		
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			control and calm enables couples to be pragmatic
		
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			make decisions that are mutually beneficial like dividing
		
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			dividing the assets fairly creating a custody agreement
		
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			that is rooted in the benefit of the
		
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			child or children not one that punishes one
		
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			parent and rewards another and maintaining decorum and
		
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			decency with one another this is not the
		
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			time to curse one another openly in front
		
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			of the children in front of family members
		
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			in front of community members this actually signals
		
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			a major lack of control because a person
		
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			has let their emotions take over them entirely
		
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			but when you're aware that in the moment
		
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			that of your situation because again you're angry
		
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			you're feeling hurt um you may feel that
		
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			this gives you some sense of satisfaction to
		
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			launch these attacks at your ex but you
		
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			have to think five six seven eight years
		
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			down the line unfortunately people don't forget and
		
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			so this may actually affect your children's ability
		
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			to marry they may hold you accountable for
		
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			your children when they are seeking marriage they'll
		
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			say oh no no no no you don't
		
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			remember you don't remember that sister or that
		
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			brother when they in the masjid they were
		
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			having this big argument or at that dinner
		
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			party or at this dawah and they exposed
		
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			this and that about their marriage i don't
		
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			want you marrying someone in that family that
		
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			can come back to you so we have
		
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			to remember and have this comportment that every
		
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			single word we say every single single action
		
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			that we do has consequences and ramifications that
		
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			may not just harm us they may harm
		
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			our children and our immediate family members so
		
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			be a person who has this holistic view
		
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			and come into a state of control if
		
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			you're right with allah subhanaw taala allah will
		
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			give you tawfiq and just before i end
		
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			i'm sorry i know i'm going a little
		
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			over but i wanted to share a couple
		
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			of stories because stories actually stick and so
		
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			i'm going to uh give you and i've
		
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			changed some of the uh details about the
		
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			story obviously to protect those uh parties but
		
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			in the first story these are marriages or
		
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			divorces that i was actually involved in arbitration
		
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			or mediation um so in the first case
		
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			was a very a marriage that after a
		
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			very lengthy marriage spanning decades with multiple children
		
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			a husband was caught cheating before um the
		
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			woman even had a chance to let her
		
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			family know of what was happening to gain
		
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			support from her family he had already ran
		
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			to the local imam to preemptively divorce her
		
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			so that the rumor she's you know that
		
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			so that he could create a story that
		
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			she was making a rumor he created a
		
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			web of lies in order to cover his
		
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			tracks and pin her as the cause of
		
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			the marriage ending he abandoned his family left
		
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			them financially in ruins and then because he
		
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			had access to the most aggressive high-priced
		
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			lawyers he ensnared his wife and children in
		
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			years of litigation financial loss and ruin he
		
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			also used his money and influence to turn
		
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			his children against their own mother and they
		
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			are currently still tied up in terrible legal
		
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			battle with no end in sight children are
		
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			depressed no one's happy no there's no victors
		
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			in that but when iblis is behind you
		
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			and you've forgotten your accountability with allah this
		
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			is how you operate and this is why
		
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			it's so important that we go back to
		
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			the principles of our dean because we're all
		
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			susceptible to the vessels of shaitan in the
		
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			second case a wife initiated the divorce due
		
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			to abuse and negligence as well as religious
		
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			incompatibility she had come from a prominent and
		
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			wealthy family so her ex-husband used whatever
		
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			legal measures and maneuvers he could find to
		
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			get as much money from her as he
		
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			could way more than anything he was entitled
		
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			to when they came to me for mediation
		
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			he quickly made his intentions clear and was
		
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			not willing to budge on some of his
		
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			outlandish financial demands because she was the one
		
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			she was more religiously observant i was able
		
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			to convince her to take the higher road
		
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			and not drag things out and try to
		
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			retaliate against him though her family was urging
		
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			her to do so so she did not
		
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			do what everybody was pushing her to do
		
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			she agreed to settle for the sake of
		
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			allah and even show him grace despite his
		
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			threats and ultimatums alhamdulillah the divorce went through
		
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			without getting too ugly and within a few
		
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			months she met someone new and went on
		
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			to marry him and have a loving and
		
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			thriving marriage she always felt like her second
		
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			husband was a reward from allah subhanahu wa
		
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			ta'ala for how she conducted herself in
		
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			the divorce so you know these two stories
		
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			and there are many many of them i
		
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			just wanted to share not because it's about
		
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			men and women doing women are always the
		
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			victims and men are always aggressors please don't
		
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			misunderstand because in both of these cases the
		
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			men were the at fault but that's not
		
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			the point of why i shared this it's
		
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			more the way that they the approach they
		
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			took in the first case you know the
		
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			man decided to to listen to his advisors
		
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			who were giving him wrong advice and they
		
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			and he has entrapped himself and made himself
		
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			miserable as well as everyone else in the
		
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			second case the sister despite her family urging
		
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			her to also try to do that she
		
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			chose allah subhanahu wa ta'ala she chose
		
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			to do things for allah subhanahu wa ta
		
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			'ala at her own expense and allah gave
		
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			her tawfiq and it was a proof with
		
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			what her outcome was so that's the only
		
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			lessons that i gave in these two examples
		
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			and may allah subhana protect our marriage