Hosai Mojaddidi – Divorce With Dignity

AI: Summary ©
The speakers discuss the importance of communication and sharing experiences in divorce, as well as the importance of premarital counseling and avoiding emotions. They emphasize the need for clarity and control in relationships, as well as the importance of learning how to deal with emotions and finding the best person to deal with them. The speakers stress the need for control and maintaining a sense of control, and emphasize the importance of finding the best person for each situation.
AI: Summary ©
The topic that I wanted to prepare or
that I'm here to speak about is on
divorcing with dignity.
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala commands those seeking
divorce to do so honorably.
In chapter 65 verse 2, Allah subhanahu wa
ta'ala says, فَإِذَا بَلَغْنَ عَجَلَهُنَّ فَأَمْسِكُهُنَّ بِمَعْرُوفٍ
أَوْ فَارِقُهُنَّ بِمَعْرُوفٍ When they have completed their
appointed term, the period, either keep them honorably
or part with them honorably.
So what this refers to is really the
way that we conduct ourselves as spouses even
in this very difficult time when we have
made the decision to part ways.
Allah expects nothing but the best from us.
So he tells us to make sure that
our disposition, our attitude, all of that, that
we maintain a sense of dignity and a
sense of obviously taqwa during the process of
divorce and obviously beyond.
So how we communicate with one another, how
we treat one another, how we speak about
one another to others, essentially what we would
call the rules of engagement for divorce that
we have to make sure that it is
again with the highest standard seeking the pleasure
of Allah subhana wa ta'ala.
Now when we look at the skyrocketing divorce
rates and by the way there is a
nice poster outside from the family institute that
they put some statistics for you.
I would if you didn't see it please
walk past it and I took a picture
personally.
I think it is good to have that
data whether you are married or single or
divorced just to see that these are very
real, real unfortunate situations that in every community
I am sure in the U.S. and
abroad we see it is just escalating the
numbers of divorce and we are almost at
the national average which is 50%.
So when we look at these and we
see how contentious breakups can get and I
could tell you stories for days.
Currently actually I was just telling the Shaykh
that as I was about to get on
the stage I was contacted by a sister
who is fearful that things are escalating so
bad in her marriage that it may end
up in a divorce today and so she
was desperately seeking my intervention.
We have a crisis and that is why
when we look at how things get so
out of hand especially when children are involved
we have to go back to the Qur
'an because the Qur'an and the principles
of our faith give us guidance on how
to make sure that we are doing things
in the mutual interest of all parties involved
and of course as Shaykh mentioned because Iblis
is the one who is often times the
catalyst for the divorce.
He is only interested in dividing and conquering
and what is he aiming to conquer?
Of course our souls, our spirits and so
the flames that he incites doesn't just go
away once the divorce is enacted.
Often times it carries through the process of
divorce so you see these two individuals who
were once maybe in love with each other
who once had some muwatta between their hearts
now completely turning against each other and reasoning
in some cases is very difficult to do
so with people who have been compromised in
this way by the waswasa of Shaytan to
basically seek justice to become vengeful and even
at the expense of their own children we
see very tragic cases where children become pawns
in the process of divorce because the parents
are so eager to hurt one another.
You know if you're hurt if you've been
hurt you want to get justice from the
one who hurts you so you find any
way and even if it's your own children
and I've seen it really horrific cases I'm
sure the Shaykh has seen it as well
so we have to turn this ship that's
sinking back around.
How do we do this in terms of
really reinstating these principles of our deen back
into our community as the Shaykh mentioned I
100% endorse what he said about premarital
counseling and I think all the imams who
are doing the nikahs are now on board
and I pray to Allah that we actually
make it a policy that no nikah can
ever be issued or certified without the prerequisite
of premarital counseling because first of all we
need to establish compatibility we also need to
you know a lot of the reasons that
people married before for example continuity you know
family there was a lot of considerations that
were beyond the individuals you know you wanted
to keep your family together there were villages
that often married within tribes that married within
financial considerations most of those are not our
context in the modern world people are now
marrying for you know more personal specific very
specific reasons and sometimes the family is not
really part of that they're not factored in
at all so when you haven't really thought
through your decision to really think about when
you marry it's not just you as two
individuals you will have to think about things
that you're not thinking about right now because
you're swept away in the hollywood and bollywood
and lollywood and whatever other would ideas of
romance and marriage that maybe have swept you
away but marriage is real marriage is very
serious and it's a lot of work and
more than anything you need support and family
so that's what premarital premarital counseling offers is
perspective for couples to really weigh their decision
make sure there's compatibility across all of these
points religious compatibility which is which is one
of the reasons for divorce by the way
a high reason that many people find within
their marriage suddenly we're we're going into two
completely different trajectories all of this can be
in many cases worked out in the process
of the premarital counseling so now how do
we though go back going back to divorce
how do we reclaim or reinstate these principles
how do we encourage couples to implement these
beautiful virtues of our of our especially when
they're overwhelmed with very powerful emotions like fear
uncertainty anger right how can they manage their
their grief and loss at what they had
because that's really what what it is you've
built a life and now it's all gone
and that's why death and divorce are sometimes
paralleled the the feelings the emotions that come
because it is a grief process you have
to let go of the life that you
thought you were going to have and then
the idea of rebuilding can also be very
very uh it can bring a lot of
fear into individuals so how do we then
help people what's missing especially through i mean
not just in divorce but in marriage is
healthy communication and i wanted to give you
i like to give acronyms and if i
had a whiteboard i'm a teacher i would
write all this out for you just because
as a visual learner these things stick but
i'm going to give you three words that
um hopefully you will remember in terms of
how i would define healthy communication for the
process of divorce we need to teach people
how to communicate clearly confidently and with control
so clear confident and controlled communication so a
couple that wants to divorce with honor and
dignity this and and to avoid their emotions
taking over them they have to learn how
to do this and one of the best
advice of course we get is from the
prophet himself when he was advising uh one
of the sahaba named wabisa and it wasn't
on divorce necessarily but still his words ring
true even in this context he said that
once or why he says the one who
is reporting this he said that the prophet
once said to me he he entered a
room and the prophet saw him and then
the prophet of course having this um he
had insight into people he could sometimes uh
you know he knew what people needed just
from looking at them and this was that
case so he said to him have you
come to ask me about righteousness and sin
yeah wabisa and he said yes so the
prophet said and i love to again visualize
these moments he clenched his fist and the
english translation says he struck his chest but
of course we know the prophet was the
most gentle of beings so this is not
a hard strike it's just a you know
a tap more of a tap with the
fist and he said to him consult your
soul consult your heart if that's the nafsic
if righteousness is what reassures your soul and
your heart and sin is what wavers in
your soul and puts tension in your chest
even if people approve it in their judgments
again and again so this is where we
have to reorient individuals who are going through
this process to go back to the principles
of their faith but really to look into
their heart because it's very clear what is
good is clear what is wrong is clear
but when you're overwhelmed by emotions and you
have people in your ear this is why
family and friends also the the the confidants
or the people that you consult with matter
so i always advise against necessarily getting in
getting family involved right from the beginning because
sometimes their bias can also push you in
a direction that may not be in your
best interest same with very close friends i've
seen friends i think sometimes push people into
divorce unfortunately because they let their emotions get
affected how could he do this to you
what a jerk he doesn't deserve you those
are not the words that someone contemplating divorce
necessarily needs to hear maybe they need to
be reminded as allah tells us to think
of the good right when a person is
is uh overwhelmed you want to remind them
of the the good of their partner to
prevent divorce and of course if it reaches
that point that's different but we should never
push people in that direction because we let
our emotions get the best of us so
consulting your um your heart is what the
prophet is telling wabi sahir and i think
for divorce or the couples who are in
the process of divorce they need to do
the same because because if they're not again
really mindful of their their accountability to allah
subhanahu wa ta'ala that is when things
get out of hand that is when you
see weaponization of many things within the divorce
process which can become incredibly toxic not just
for the couple but for their children if
children are involved and the extended family members
so how do we then establish clarity and
communication this means that both parties need to
communicate their intentions and hold themselves accountable before
allah subhanahu wa ta'ala so when you
if you as a couple are coming and
you decide to divorce you have to be
clear about your intentions what does that mean
do you want to take the children is
that your whole goal do you are you
uh fair and balanced do you have you
know a sense of okay let's be just
here what are your intentions and not to
get into this idea that i have to
do everything subversively and secretly and i'm going
to make phone calls and get my lawyers
involved and i have this plan and this
plan and it's all this you know tactical
approach like you're in war we shouldn't do
that we should be clear that you know
i just i mean we've call us and
as we the sheikh mentioned amicable divorce is
obviously the best way to try to be
mutually aligned in terms of separating for the
sake of allah subhanahu wa ta'ala in
the best way that would uh not incur
his wrath so they must know not they
must know that to weaponize or try to
game the system out of spite or vengeance
will only lead to further harm taking the
higher road is difficult but will ultimately garner
the pleasure of allah so this means setting
aside personal anger sense of betrayal and justice
and acting within the boundaries of sharia right
whatever your feelings are allah subhanahu wa ta
'ala that justice that you're seeking that healing
that you're seeking will come through you seeking
the pleasure of allah not you trying to
game the system and force it through the
political apparatus or some other apparatus that's not
going to get you the peace that you
want it's only from allah subhanahu wa ta
'ala so trying to bypass allah and go
through all these other means will actually ensure
more harm for you but sometimes again friends
and people who are not thinking with this
objectivity will push people to do things on
emotion and not in their own best interest
so clarity that's what clarity means confidence the
couple or the individuals thinking of divorce they
must be confident about their decisions by reaching
out to legal experts well versed in both
islamic law and fiqh of divorce sometimes there
are differences obviously in the way that we
handle divorce from a legal perspective and i'm
talking here in the west wherever a person
resides they would have to look at their
courts there are some things that are aligned
and some things that are very very different
so you have to reach out to experts
that have hopefully grounding in both if it's
possible and there are masha'allah many people
who understand fiqh of divorce as well as
have a good understanding of the legal system
and those would be the most ideal individuals
and masha'allah our community is rich with
very learned people who are professionals in many
different disciplines while also having pursued islamic uh
you know studies so seek out those individuals
instead of having different people because sometimes it
can over be overwhelming and then the loudest
voice will win and if it's the divorce
lawyer who's non-muslim who's telling you yeah
let's go get them this way and this
way because they're you know rallying you in
when you're in a vulnerable state you may
actually end up making some pretty catastrophic decisions
so the soundest way to approach this is
i need to find someone who's objective but
also an expert who can give me really
good nasiha advice with both within both of
these parameters inshallah and it's also just to
remember and i kind of already mentioned this
but it's not the time to entrust these
major life decisions with well-meaning but often
emotionally misguided family and friends those closest to
us may lack the objectivity needed to really
think about the long-term consequences of short
-term decisions neutral third parties who are trained
and have seen all types of divorces are
going to be able to give a couple
the confidence they need during a time where
their emotions are often impaired or impairing their
judgment so then control so we covered clarity
and confidence and now how do you help
a couple maintain control another really important part
of an honorable divorce process is maintaining your
comportment or control which usually comes as a
result of clear communication and building confidence so
if you're doing the first two you will
maintain a sense of control if you're not
doing the first two that's when things get
overwhelming for you so you have to go
you know in this order um without these
two either party can easily begin to unravel
as they are filled with doubt and security
fear and anger control is necessary for couples
to stay within the boundaries of sharia and
not succumb to heightened emotions a sense of
control and calm enables couples to be pragmatic
make decisions that are mutually beneficial like dividing
dividing the assets fairly creating a custody agreement
that is rooted in the benefit of the
child or children not one that punishes one
parent and rewards another and maintaining decorum and
decency with one another this is not the
time to curse one another openly in front
of the children in front of family members
in front of community members this actually signals
a major lack of control because a person
has let their emotions take over them entirely
but when you're aware that in the moment
that of your situation because again you're angry
you're feeling hurt um you may feel that
this gives you some sense of satisfaction to
launch these attacks at your ex but you
have to think five six seven eight years
down the line unfortunately people don't forget and
so this may actually affect your children's ability
to marry they may hold you accountable for
your children when they are seeking marriage they'll
say oh no no no no you don't
remember you don't remember that sister or that
brother when they in the masjid they were
having this big argument or at that dinner
party or at this dawah and they exposed
this and that about their marriage i don't
want you marrying someone in that family that
can come back to you so we have
to remember and have this comportment that every
single word we say every single single action
that we do has consequences and ramifications that
may not just harm us they may harm
our children and our immediate family members so
be a person who has this holistic view
and come into a state of control if
you're right with allah subhanaw taala allah will
give you tawfiq and just before i end
i'm sorry i know i'm going a little
over but i wanted to share a couple
of stories because stories actually stick and so
i'm going to uh give you and i've
changed some of the uh details about the
story obviously to protect those uh parties but
in the first story these are marriages or
divorces that i was actually involved in arbitration
or mediation um so in the first case
was a very a marriage that after a
very lengthy marriage spanning decades with multiple children
a husband was caught cheating before um the
woman even had a chance to let her
family know of what was happening to gain
support from her family he had already ran
to the local imam to preemptively divorce her
so that the rumor she's you know that
so that he could create a story that
she was making a rumor he created a
web of lies in order to cover his
tracks and pin her as the cause of
the marriage ending he abandoned his family left
them financially in ruins and then because he
had access to the most aggressive high-priced
lawyers he ensnared his wife and children in
years of litigation financial loss and ruin he
also used his money and influence to turn
his children against their own mother and they
are currently still tied up in terrible legal
battle with no end in sight children are
depressed no one's happy no there's no victors
in that but when iblis is behind you
and you've forgotten your accountability with allah this
is how you operate and this is why
it's so important that we go back to
the principles of our dean because we're all
susceptible to the vessels of shaitan in the
second case a wife initiated the divorce due
to abuse and negligence as well as religious
incompatibility she had come from a prominent and
wealthy family so her ex-husband used whatever
legal measures and maneuvers he could find to
get as much money from her as he
could way more than anything he was entitled
to when they came to me for mediation
he quickly made his intentions clear and was
not willing to budge on some of his
outlandish financial demands because she was the one
she was more religiously observant i was able
to convince her to take the higher road
and not drag things out and try to
retaliate against him though her family was urging
her to do so so she did not
do what everybody was pushing her to do
she agreed to settle for the sake of
allah and even show him grace despite his
threats and ultimatums alhamdulillah the divorce went through
without getting too ugly and within a few
months she met someone new and went on
to marry him and have a loving and
thriving marriage she always felt like her second
husband was a reward from allah subhanahu wa
ta'ala for how she conducted herself in
the divorce so you know these two stories
and there are many many of them i
just wanted to share not because it's about
men and women doing women are always the
victims and men are always aggressors please don't
misunderstand because in both of these cases the
men were the at fault but that's not
the point of why i shared this it's
more the way that they the approach they
took in the first case you know the
man decided to to listen to his advisors
who were giving him wrong advice and they
and he has entrapped himself and made himself
miserable as well as everyone else in the
second case the sister despite her family urging
her to also try to do that she
chose allah subhanahu wa ta'ala she chose
to do things for allah subhanahu wa ta
'ala at her own expense and allah gave
her tawfiq and it was a proof with
what her outcome was so that's the only
lessons that i gave in these two examples
and may allah subhana protect our marriage