Haleh Banani – Two Common Communication Problems

			One of the most common marital problems that I have seen in doing therapy is communication problem.
So you have actually two extremes in in miscommunicating. One, it could be that a person is overly
demanding. So instead of requesting and asking in a kind manner, it becomes a demand. And that
becomes very demeaning to the person receiving that message. So, what's really important to do is to
ask, kindly suggesting and requesting rather than demanding, and the key to follow the rule of thumb
to follow is treat your spouse with the same courtesy, respect and kindness that you show to your
friends and to your guests. Because a lot of times, people are very courteous when interacting with
		

			strangers or with people that they know friends and people in the community. But when it comes to
their own spouse and their own children, they are very disrespectful, they lose all their manners,
and they lose all their finesse and charm. So use all that charm that you have use all the all the
words of courtesy, the thank yous and the please, and requests rather than demand. Another problem
that arises is when you expect your spouse to be a mind reader and women are notorious for this.
They think that if he loves me, he'll know what to say, if he loves me, he'll know exactly what to
do. And this is not the case. If you want your spouse to know what to do what to say how to act,
		

			then you need to give him the key to your heart. And you as as the brothers, you need to let your
spouse know what will make you feel respected. Don't just say respect me to tell her and share with
her, what would actually make you feel respected, make you feel loved, make you feel appreciated,
don't just expect them to know it and don't expect them to ever read your mind. So when you give
them the key to your heart, that this is what they need to do to motivate you to help motivate you
to help you overcome your sadness. When you're angry, what will calm you down rather than adding
more fuel to the fire, tell them and share with your spouse so they have a winning chance. Usually
		

			when problems arise, the husband or wife, they have a tendency to express their express their
emotions in kind of a harsh way. So what they say it's like, you always, you always fall short on
your responsibility, or you never take me out, you never give me gifts you never help around the
house. And these statements become as an attack. So the natural thing is when you're being attacked,
the natural response is to defend yourself. So a lot of times the communication between a husband
and a wife becomes kind of like a boxing match. So one throws a punch, you never helped me out and
the other one defends himself. Well, it's because I'm working so hard to provide for the house. So
		

			this kind of communication needs to stop. And the way to avoid this kind of communication is by
using I statements, I statements is when you start with your own feelings. You start by saying I
feel neglected when you don't communicate with me throughout the day. Or you say I feel angry when
you raise your voice. And this is the best way to communicate because you're sharing your feelings.
And this creates empathy and the other person rather than feeling attack. And in order for this to
actually work, the other person needs to be listening because nothing gets resolved. Unless one
person is at least listening. What the other spouse needs to do is to tune in and repeat what the
		

			spouse had just said. So one will say I feel frustrated when you don't have the house let's say
organized and the other one is saying so your frustration is coming from a disorganized houses that
what I hear you saying and this will make your spouse feel heard and it will give them a chance to
correct you now I have this experience in in doing therapy all the time. And this is the technique
that therapists use to make their clients feel hurt. So you reiterate what they have said and they
have a chance to correct even the words it can be very subtle. Sometimes I will repeat to a client's
like so you feel a little bit upset when your husband does is like no I don't feel a little upset. I
		

			feel furious. So those adjectives are really important to understand the level the intensity of what
your spouse is feeling and they will correct you so there's no miscommunication and no assumptions.
So the key to having a good communication is using I statements not attacking
		

			repeating what you have just heard, and making sure that you're not demanding use the same kindness
the same respect the same charm that you use with your guests and with your friends as you do to
your spouse and do not expect your spouse to read your mind. Let them have the keys to your heart.
sulamani cough