Haleh Banani – Secrets to Mastering Conflict- Q&A Session – PART 2
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And welcome to the mindful hearts.
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started.
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So, Taisha, if you let me know that
everyone can hear me okay, and we'll get
started. This is part 2
of conflict resolution q and a. Last week,
we had a really,
wonderful discussion,
and many people were they were asking
their questions about how to resolve conflict because
if you're in any
relationship, whether that's with your spouse, with your
kids,
with your parents, and the community, you're gonna
face conflict. It is inevitable.
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Great. Bismillah.
A little bit of a delayed reaction, but,
wonderful. Let's get started last week, and let's
start over from the beginning.
And welcome to the mindful hearts. We're doing
part 2 of q and a on conflict
resolution.
Last week, we had a wonderful discussion
on how to resolve conflict. You had your
questions ready. There are some that I have
that I'm going to finish,
today,
Some of the most common questions that are
asked when dealing with conflict because this is
what I do. For for the past 3
decades,
I've had the privilege
of helping,
couples, individuals
resolve
conflict, whether,
whether it is about their relationships,
whether it's a personal thing. So,
I
have posed some of the most common questions
that come up, and we're gonna get started.
So one of the questions,
how can I be assertive
without coming across as aggressive?
How many of you
have a hard time between maybe distinguishing
distinguishing between
being aggressive and being assertive?
One of the things I,
I like to help people understand,
those who may be very passive. Right? They're
passive. Maybe they're people pleaser. They don't wanna
come across as aggressive,
and, usually, people think it's either being aggressive
or you stay quiet. Okay?
So these are 2 extremes. 1
is you are a doormat.
You take whatever people say or do, and
you don't speak up. This is not,
this is not an Islamic behavior. We shouldn't
just take abuse. We shouldn't just,
you know, not stand up for ourselves. We
are encouraged
to speak up, speak for the truth, and
we see that,
with the example of the prophet
with the Sahaba.
They all were able to they stood up
for what they believed in. They didn't just,
be, like, passive and let people walk all
over them. Now the opposite extreme is aggression.
Aggression is when someone
is just rude. They're arrogant. They are only
thinking about themself. They step on others in
order to get ahead. So that's aggressive, and
that's being a doormat. There's something in the
middle which is being assertive. Being assertive means
that you you do speak up. You are
firm but kind, and this is a very
important aspect
of, you know, of, like, just being able
to speak up. And I I remember when
I was doing my master's program, we had
to take turns being the counselor and being
the client so that we can, you know,
have more empathy.
And one of the things I worked on
the most was being assertive because I feel
that many times I just wanted to overlook
and I wanted to avoid conflict,
but training myself in assertiveness was one of
the best things
that I've ever done, and I hope that
all of you, those of you who just
feel like, let me overlook, overlook, overlook, let
me just, you know, keep quiet, whether it's
in your relationships
or at work, whatever it is,
it is much better to be assertive. You
will be more respected. You will,
be able to,
you know, respect yourself. Right? Because many times
what happens is that when someone is,
quiet and they overlook and they, you know,
just take whatever
verbal abuse they're getting, then later on, they're
beating themselves up and they're it's eating
eating them up inside.
So what we need to recognize is that
by speaking up, you're being a more genuine
person.
You are you know, you don't wanna come
across
as hypocritical where you're smiling and saying everything's
okay, but in reality,
you're you're upset. You're frustrated. You are you
know, it's all building up. So we are
going to,
talk about so as far as
how
not to be aggressive. So I have to
give you a little bit of background about
aggression versus assertive.
So, you know, when you are assertive, you're
expressing your needs and boundaries
clearly and respectfully.
Okay?
You are getting your point across.
You are calm,
and your, you know, your body language, your
tone of voice, nothing is confrontational.
Being aggressive
is when you hurt other people's feelings,
when you use harsh words,
maybe you attack.
So this is how you can make sure
being assert you're just saying,
explaining
what it is you are dissatisfied with and
what it is that you want. So that
do you have any questions regarding that? How
many of you have
an issue with being assertive? How many of
you feel like this is something that
you really need help in? Because that this
is what I find, that majority of the
clients I have I mean, there's a there's
a small percentage that they're, like, maybe on
the aggressive side, but majority are the type
that they're nonconfrontational.
They don't wanna speak up. So it is
a very important question.
So going right along,
how can I
how can I stop myself from reacting
impulsively
in a heated argument?
This is
so critical because most people,
when they get upset let me make this
a little bigger.
When they get upset,
then they just overreact,
and they say so many hurtful things. So
it is so important,
right,
to manage your emotions.
I if you remember,
level 1 phase 3 was all about, like,
emotional intelligence. Right? And emotional intelligence
is being able to recognize what
triggers you. Right?
What triggers you? Like, is it disrespect?
Is it being ignored? Is it being excluded?
It is is it being questioned?
And when you know these things, then you
prep yourself and you know not to be
reactionary.
Okay? So as soon as you feel yourself
getting heated,
try to, you know, take a pause.
Pause, take some deep breaths, and maybe even
say, you know, I need I need a
time out. I feel like I'm getting angry,
and I need just some time to cool
off because I don't wanna say or do
anything disrespectfully.
Okay? So how many of you struggle with
that as far as just keeping it together,
being
that not being able to control your anger?
K?
The other question is, what if I feel
like I'm always the one
apologizing even when it's not my fault? Right?
So sometimes what ends up happening is that
a person
may just apologize,
take the abuse because they're just like, you
know what? I don't wanna deal
with any issues. I don't want things to
escalate.
So the intention may be good,
but if you're always apologizing,
then you may not be taken as seriously.
It's crucial.
It's crucial to recognize
when
an apology is warranted and when it's not.
So if
you have actually done something wrong, maybe you
were disrespectful, maybe you raised your voice, maybe
you were rude, maybe you, like, ignored someone,
and then
taking ownership
and apologizing, that is that is probably, like,
one of the highest forms of
maturity, emotional maturity,
recognizing
that, you know, I I acted out. I
wasn't right.
And doing that, even with your own kids,
I mean, I I remember,
being a a little girl, and my mom
would apologize to me if she ever, let's
say, overreacted, and I I felt so respected.
Right? So this is a wonderful way. You
have to model the correct behavior, and when
you say that,
you know, I I was wrong. You know?
I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have
done that. Then they learn to imitate that.
If you're always, like, just adamant about being
right and I don't make mistakes and it's
my way or the highway and and all
of that, if you have that mindset and
you depict that, that's what your kids are
gonna do to you as they get older.
Right? Now constantly
apologizing,
you may there's an imbalance in the relationship.
So you may feel
that there is an imbalance,
and you have to kinda evaluate this. Why
why is there an imbalance? Are you do
you feel insecure in the relationship?
Is there something that the person has on
you? And and you have to kinda evaluate
that. Okay?
Sir, saying, I have a fixer mentality, and
I'm working on it. I realize
this has caused some conflict with others because
I can come across as giving unsolicited
advice. Do you have any advice to combat
this? Okay.
Well, that's very honest of you. I think
that's that's great that you realize you have
that fix it mentality,
and giving unsolicited
advice,
it's you know, it is
a challenging
it is very challenging
to hold back. Right?
I have struggled with this myself because I
see, let's say, someone
really suffering maybe in their marriage, maybe with
their parenting, and I and I feel like
it is like, it's a little easy. Like,
I got the answer. I I can help
you. Right?
And then you realize that
no matter how valuable
and how
transformative
this this advice can be,
if someone is not ready to hear it,
then they're not gonna be receptive. They're not
gonna be appreciative.
Right? So
what you need to do is just train
yourself
to maybe, like, just look within,
focus on yourself because
if you
have that passion
to fix things, okay, use it to fix
yourself.
Use that energy. Use your knowledge, and use
that,
ability
to be intuitive
and use it on yourself
because that and that's what I that was
what I started doing. So 3 decades of
just really,
you know, in just looking within
looking within and seeing what is it that
I need to improve on, what can I
be better at, how can I how can
I be
less sensitive, how can I be more compassionate,
whatever it is? And when you have that
fix it hat on,
then fix yourself.
Isn't that isn't that an awesome way to
redirect?
Because I know I know that it's hard
when you
have that instinct, when you have that motivation,
you wanna fix you wanna fix everybody, but
guess what?
People are not ready to be fixed even
when people come and they make the appointment
and they and and they pay the, price.
Right? They pay
for the session.
Sometimes they don't wanna hear it.
Okay? So focus on yourself. Use all that
energy
to direct it at yourself,
and really don't give the advice unless someone
asks.
And and that way,
you really feel
valued. I was it's interesting that you say
this because I was just in a situation
where I heard people discussing,
you know, they they were just discussing some
parenting,
the parenting advice. Right? And, you know, the
individuals
giving the advice. I mean, they're just basing
it on their own personal
experience.
I was I was there. I was kinda
busy,
and I really held back from
giving that unsolicited
advice.
I held back. There was so much I
could have said, so much, but I I
said, you know,
I'm not going to say anything unless I'm
asked. And at the end, the individual did
ask and said, like, I really want your
feedback, and I really want your insight. And
I feel when you,
when you wait
until someone asks,
then
it is a sign of readiness.
Right? And that's that's very important.
It's so important for a person to be
ready. Okay?
Let's see.
I also grew up with tough love, and
that is the way I usually that that's
gotta change. Okay? That has got to change.
The tough love mentality
is not well received,
and you're gonna lose a lot of your
your friendships.
So maybe learn more about it like a
more compassionate way. I mean, the example of
the prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam,
he was best example in how he gave
advice, how he was so loving.
And sometimes, you know how they're the masjid
police, and
they have this tendency to go, and they're
just like, the sunnah is this and the
length of your beard and the length of
your skirt, and they're, like, you know, harassing
everyone. And there was, you know, a designated
Masjid police
in in our Masjid years ago, and I
remember
approaching them and everyone. I it's just unbelievable.
Every person that walked through the door, they
had something to correct.
And it wasn't done in a gentle, sweet
way. It was just basically like, you know,
one lady came, your your job is see
through. Your skirt's too short. Your
it's like, wow. Like, you are just like,
slapping them with the truth.
And so once I went up to her
and I I said, you know, for
for being so passionate
about the sunnah,
for,
yeah, for valuing the sunnah so much.
However, you're overlooking
the most important sunnah,
and that is
the way the prophet
gave dawah.
Right?
I mean, if you overlook that sunnah, you
have lost
so much
because he always I mean, the the man
was urinating in the masjid,
and he was like, don't rush him.
Right?
He just he used wisdom. He used compassion.
He used empathy,
and really check yourself.
If you're giving advice,
especially when it's Islamic advice,
if you're giving advice and you're harsh,
there may be and I'm not saying this
about you, but in in most cases,
there may be some level of arrogance.
Okay? And you have to really check yourself.
Are you saying it is is the mentality,
like, I'm better than you or I know
better than you. I do my and you
don't, and I need to correct you.
Because if there is
any any ounce of arrogance,
then forget it. Not only are you not
getting the reward, not only is this not
gonna penetrate
the heart of the person, you may even
get it's them because you're pushing the person.
I see people doing that. I see that
people doing that to their own kid. They
push them out of the dean. They push
them, you know, they push them away
from the dean because it's just comes across
as so harsh.
We have to make this I mean, this
dean is beautiful. It is sweet. We have
to we have to present it in such
a loving and compassionate way, and if we
don't, we have not done it justice. Right?
So,
it is it's very, very important to correct
your methodology.
When you advise others, how do you know
not to overdo it? I feel like I
can keep going on and on. Only later
I realized I should have probably said my
opinion and stopped.
Well, first, make sure they want your opinion,
and then second,
you know, just just make it a rule
not to repeat.
There are some people
that, you know, they will repeat the same
thing over and over. I'm like, okay. I
heard that. I I honestly heard you the
first four times. Right?
So just don't repeat.
Just don't repeat because that that can,
that can take away. You know, doing Dahua,
I remember in one of my TV shows,
I think I did a couple of episodes
on this.
There's so much psychology
that goes in it. You have to know
the human psyche. You have to know what
inspires,
what,
makes a person motivated.
Coming and yelling at someone or criticizing someone,
usually, they shut down.
So really, really
try
to,
to use compassion
and,
and be gentle.
Right?
Alright. So
let's see. So we set the apologizing.
How do I deal with someone who refuses
to empathize
with my point of view?
Okay?
Yeah. There are there are some people
that are just naturally empathetic.
It's just so natural. They listen to you.
They show the right,
you know, they show the right emotions.
They say the right things.
You feel
their love and concern.
Others,
they
they may
not have it. Okay? And I've had,
individuals, whether it's in counseling sessions or even
had a friend tell me, I don't have
any empathy in my heart. She's a good
person. She's a good woman. She's a practicing
Muslim,
but
at an early age, maybe she wasn't given
empathy.
Maybe she had some harsh experiences,
and she didn't feel the protection of her
family,
and and she had to kind of shut
down those emotions
in order to survive.
And that's why a lot of people who,
they don't heal those inner wounds
and they've had childhood trauma,
what ends up happening
is that they
have like, as a defense mechanism, they shut
down their emotions. They're like, I can't feel
because if I feel, I'm gonna get hurt.
And if someone gets hurt over and over
and over again, then they're just they're gonna
really shut down. So or they're gonna,
they're they're gonna be devastated.
So as a defense mechanism, they become very
stoic. It's like, I'm not gonna show you
that I'm hurt. I'm not gonna show you
that I I'm angry. But all of that,
what it does is that,
a person
loses empathy. They're not able to be empathetic
because because they shut down. They train themselves
to shut their emotions down. So when you
understand
why someone is unempathetic, then you're not like,
oh, you're so selfish. You're so such an
arrogant selfish narcissist. This is what people love.
They love to listen to little, you know,
reels
and shorts, and then now everyone thinks they
know everything there is to know about narcissism,
about childhood trauma.
It just it's, it's hilarious because it's so
easy now for people to just diagnose everybody.
Right? So we have to be careful with
that and then just realize
that
beneath
that harsh exterior,
there might be a very wounded person.
K? There might be they may be very,
very wounded,
and,
and they just don't know how to be
in touch with their, you know, with their,
emotions. So
empathy can't be forced.
Okay? But you can try to get them
to,
you know, see your perspective.
You can share in a nonconfrontational
way. Right? But if they refuse
if they refuse and you feel like, you
know, you're only the one who is empathetic,
You may have to set some boundaries.
Right?
And, you know, sometimes you have to cheat.
And I I told this friend of mine,
I go, look. I understand you said, you
know, you're not an empathetic person,
but you need to learn some empathetic
behavior.
Right? What is empathetic behavior?
That is let's say,
you know, I'm sitting here and I'm telling
you about something difficult I'm going through. Maybe
maybe it's an illness. Maybe it's some some
trial.
Okay?
The empathetic behavior is to listen,
right, and make it just make a statement
saying, like, that must be really difficult. Like,
sit in it. That's how I describe it.
I'm like, sit in it. Because I would
say something, and she would sit there and
respond with, oh, I have, like, 5 parties
to plan. It's like, what?
What are you saying right now?
Right?
So
learning
empathetic
behavior.
Because sometimes people are like, oh, I don't
feel it. So this is the way I
am and just deal with it. A person
can learn to have empathetic behavior. But, again,
it can't be
forced. It is something that
a person needs to develop. Right? I really
struggle with,
empathizing
with people who burn me even if I
understand their trauma and what made them that
way. I feel like it doesn't justify the
pain they caused, how to shift mindset.
True. I mean, you you can't justify it.
It's not about justifying.
Like, oh, okay. I I I know. Yeah.
They I poor them. They they acted out
this way. They had no other choice. No.
It's not about that. It's about understanding.
Right?
It's about understanding
where does this stem from.
Because if we,
I always use this analogy
because many people come in, and they are
so angry
at their parents. Right? They're so angry, and
they're like, they, you know,
one client just told me she was so
mad. She's like, that woman talking to referring
to her mom is like, that woman didn't
teach me anything.
And she was
she was heartbroken
because she felt that she was neglected.
She was not given love. She was not
be
she was not taught anything.
So person comes in with all that anger.
Like, how do you what do you do
with that? Right? So it's really the the
analogy is, let's say you're starving,
and there are 2 individuals.
1 one person has this buffet of food,
and you ask them, can I have some
food? I'm starving. They say, no. I'm not
gonna give it to you. You're gonna be
frustrated. You're gonna be angry. Like, have all
this food. Just give me a little bit.
Right?
Then another person
doesn't have anything, and you ask them for
food. It's like, I don't have anything. You're
not gonna be mad. You're gonna understand. The
person doesn't have it to give it, and
that is the case
for a lot of, let's say,
parents.
That can be the case for a lot
of people where it's not that they have
it and they're withholding
it and they're saying, no. I don't wanna
share with you. It's more about
they don't have it to give it. Right?
So that that can really
help you
understand. So the mindset is not, oh, yes.
This behavior, it justifies
the horrible things they did. No. It's about
understanding
understanding
where each person is coming from. Okay?
I feel like feeling sorry for them comes
across as me thinking I'm better
and they are worse off than me. Isn't
that arrogance?
Feeling sorry for someone is not is not
arrogance. If you feel bad that, oh my
god, like, I can't believe they've gone through
this,
how is that arrogance? Arrogance is thinking, I'm
I'm better than you because I know how
to do this and you don't
in anything. Right? People can have arrogance regarding
their intelligence.
Some people can be arrogant because of,
how they look. Right? So it's about thinking
I'm better than you, right, and judging the
other person. But if you're feeling
bad for them and you feel like, oh
my god. That person,
this is why, like, this is why they're
so harsh.
That's that's not arrogance at all.
Okay?
Alright.
So we got that.
Now alright. The next question, what if the
other party
is unwilling to negotiate
or compromise?
How many of you deal with this,
my way or the highway?
Maybe you're one of those. Who knows? Right?
So if you have,
difficulty
compromising
or if you're dealing with someone who has
difficulty compromising,
right, it's really important to to stay calm
and then be focused on the goal. Right?
And I always tell people, look. You can't
expect another person
to abandon their beliefs,
abandon what they believe in, and just jump
on board with you. Right? No one's gonna
do that. This idea of,
oh, yeah.
I'm right, you're wrong, and here's how you're
gonna change,
that rarely
works, and it may work for a while,
but then what happens is that there are
repercussions.
There are repercussions,
and what ends up happening
is that,
you're going to feel very,
there are repercussions, so there's gonna be a
lot of resentment. Okay?
So it's very important
that,
you
indicate that let's let's come let's meet in
the middle. Okay?
I'm not gonna give up my view. You're
not gonna give up your view. How can
we meet in the middle? And I see
how effective this is
when working like, when I'm doing marriage counseling,
and I see that one person is saying
it's gotta be my way, the other one
is saying my way. And I just tell
him, like, look. How do you think you
can meet in the middle?
What how can you make this a win
win? Most of the time,
people don't care
whether they are win win or not.
Most of the time,
it's I win, you lose,
and and they're totally okay with that. Right?
As soon as you think
win win,
that's when everything changes.
Then you're like, okay. What can I present
that will, make this person
get on board with me?
And I always use this example that if
you have a business partner
and your business partner says, alright.
I'm gonna do you're gonna do all the
work. I'm gonna get all the money. Like,
you're gonna be like, what?
You're gonna agree to that.
But if he says, you know, we're both
gonna work 5050 and we're gonna share the
profit 5050, then that
will be,
yeah, that will be acceptable. Okay.
Let's see.
How can I mediate between 2 people when
I'm emotionally
involved in the situation?
How many of you, just honestly,
have had to, let's say, be
a mediator,
a mediator between maybe your parents?
A lot of times,
you know, I was I was just recently
talking to some
some young individuals
that they came to my office, and they
were telling me how
throughout their lives,
they had to, you know, they had to
be the messenger
for their parents. They weren't talking to each
other. It's like, go tell them this. Go
tell her the And that can be so
draining.
It's so draining. Right? So if someone,
if you find
that you have to mediate,
you know, you have it's hard. It's hard
to remain impartial
when you're emotionally involved. That's why they say
it's so much better to go to a
professional.
They're not,
emotionally invested. So, like, I can be objective.
I can see both sides and give the
advice
without being pulled. Right?
Maybe,
if you can advise them
to go to an unbiased mediator,
like, say and and sometimes you have to
draw the line. Right? I've had adult children
who are in their, like, let's say, twenties
or thirties,
and they're just so sick of the drama
between their parents,
and they they want to help their parents.
Like, they're like they wanna help them get
back together. I said, really? You're not you're
not equipped.
Mediating
marriage counseling is one of the hardest things
on this planet, and I know so many
counselors
that
they
refuse
to do marriage count because how hard it
is. And most people can't resolve their own
conflict much less other people's conflict. Right? So
they stay far away from it, even those
who are educated
and trained in psychology.
So for you to come on board
and you don't have the skills, you may
not have the knowledge,
and then you're emotionally entangled. It is it's
a disaster.
It is a disaster. I've even seen people
who may even
do the training. I had one client,
and I was trying to restore their relationship,
and they were making progress.
Then
the sister who was a counselor
said, I'm gonna help. She sat there for
4 hours
and did some kind of exercise. It just
it just pushed the woman over the edge.
She went and filed for divorce
because she was like, I I, you know,
I I can't do this
because it was very obvious that she was
not being,
fair and she was biased.
So in order to
navigate this, you have to set some firm
boundaries. You can say, you know, I really
would love to help you. Sometimes I've had
to do that with friends that, you know,
the the problems are so overwhelming
that I've had say, I, you know, I
can be your friend. I can be like
a sister, but I can't be your therapist.
And now I really understand
why it is encouraged not to do counseling
with friends and family. Before, I used to
think, how can you not? You care for
them. You love them. You wanna help them.
But it really it impacts the
dynamics of the relationship.
Right?
And, and, you know, because a a client
acts very differently when they come come on
board. They're ready to receive
the the advice.
They
they are there for a reason, but but
a friend
may very well or a family member, they're
gonna be resistant.
Right? So it's,
if you
if you can set some boundaries
and say I love you, I can listen
to you, I can, share your emotions with
you, but I don't think I I don't
have
the skills to do this, and I I
don't want I don't wanna do it in
the wrong way. So if you can get
that point across,
it will be I it will be very
beneficial. Don't try to go in and then
you make a bigger mess out of it.
Right? It it's like the analogies I can
think of is,
someone who has no cooking
experience, and they're they're trying to make
the most
difficult, let's say, pastry that requires
expertise.
Gonna mess it up. Or someone
like, you know, if you're you're a builder
and this is a very complicated structure that
you have to build and you don't have
any experience.
Like, the most experienced people struggle with it,
so how are you gonna do it? You're
just gonna make a mess out of things.
Right? So really know
your limits,
really understand
what you can and cannot do. You can
show support.
You can show,
like, I'm here for you. I love you.
I will listen to you. But as far
as giving you advice, as far as being
a mediator,
I'm not trained. I'm not trained for this,
and there's nothing wrong with that. K?
What if I feel pressured to agree to
terms that don't feel
firm? Fair. Sorry. Fair.
You know,
do you all have any issues with that?
Do you feel that sometimes
you feel
that,
you're trying to negotiate and the person is
just not being fair? Have you experienced
that in the past?
Right? So you have to it's it is
important to stand your ground in negotiations.
Right? Maybe you can be polite, but you
firmly express
your concerns,
and then you can propose an alternative.
Right? And you can't just succumb
because sometimes,
you know, finding
a compromise,
you have to make sure that it's mutually
beneficial
solution.
Right?
And if you have a person
who
let's say they're bossy.
Let's say they like to push people around,
but you draw the line.
Right?
Then they
are gonna be very careful with you the
next time. They're not going to do that.
So make sure that you,
you speak up.
Let's say it is in in a work
situation.
Right? I remember I had a friend who
was, you know, who was a teacher,
and every time she had a off period,
they would assign her to another classroom, and
she would just take it, take it, take
it, and so they kept dumping, dumping, dumping.
And finally, you know, I I encourage her
to speak up and say, look.
If you want me to perform at my
best for those classes,
I need to have a break to refuel.
And then because she spoke up, because she
drew some boundaries, guess what? They stopped dumping
or they dumped a lot less. Right? Alright.
How can I forgive someone
how can I forgive someone who hasn't apologized
or acknowledged their wrongdoing?
This is a tough one, and I'm gonna
make a statement
that is so profound
that if you embody this and if you
understand it,
then it will change
so many of your relationships,
and it will change the way you view
forgiveness
because forgiveness is a personal
journey
and doesn't always
require an apology.
So, Aisha, if you could write that down,
that's a very critical
message that we need to let people know.
There are so many people that I've I've
forgiven.
I never got an apology, and
it's it's just
you have to look at it as
what is this causing me.
And I'm not telling you
to it's not forced forgiveness,
it's not about,
oh, just take abuse. No. This it has
nothing to do with that. It's about
attaining
peace
and recognizing
that by holding a grudge, by being angry,
what ends up happening is that there's gonna
be a lot of turmoil.
Okay? It's about letting go of the resentment
for your
own peace of mind,
and you focus on healing.
Right?
You for if you focus on healing and
consider the act of forgiveness
as releasing
yourself
from the burden of anger. Isn't that beautiful?
You're releasing yourself.
And when you look at it in this
way
when you look at it at this way,
then it definitely
will have a profound impact.
You can
you can forgive someone without ever getting an
apology.
K? What if I want to reconcile,
but I'm afraid of being hurt again?
Okay?
So it's very natural, and this is one
of the things a lot of the couples
that I, work with, they were like, oh,
what if he goes back,
and what if he does this again? What
if she does that again? And that is
a very natural
and a very valid concern.
Right? It is a valid concern,
and what I recommend is that when let's
say someone has wronged you and they wanna
get back together. I'll use the example of
cheating because sadly, it is so prevalent in
our communities. I know that many people don't
realize it, but
practicing Muslims find themselves in these circumstances.
So let's say the person has cheated on
you, your spouse,
and then you wanna get back together again,
and there's that fear. Right?
Well,
as far as, like, the cheating is concerned,
I always say there's a criteria.
Are they remorseful?
If someone is like, hey. Sorry about Vegas.
That's not remorseful.
I've had that. I am not making this
up. I've heard someone talk like that, and
it's like, okay. This person,
there's not an ounce of remorse.
They're gonna do it again.
2nd,
they have to
cut, let's say, ties with the person.
3rd,
they have to get help. That's not something
usually that a person can just kinda overcome
on their own. 4th,
you have to,
you have to change for the better.
Okay?
You have to improve.
So when you look at,
a person being afraid of getting hurt,
then there has to be some kind of
a an agreement that, hey.
I I am committed
to making a change.
And how am I gonna make the change?
By doing these steps.
Right? I'm getting extra help. I'm getting accountability.
I whatever it is.
So instead of just being afraid,
make them like, there needs to be a
commitment to change.
Alright?
Let's see.
Okay.
My mother has Alzheimer's. Oh, I'm sorry. And
my brothers use the money that that comes
for her care to pay the bills for
the house. How do I make them realize
it's wrong?
Oh, that's a tough one.
The money that comes in for her care.
Who who is sending the money?
Where is that money coming from?
Is it, like, coming from other family members?
Is it from the government support? Is it
some kind of insurance?
You know,
that is a very difficult situation,
and it sound of the government.
Okay.
I mean, it sounds like they're probably struggling
financially,
and they're they're a little bit stuck.
So maybe instead of just saying that this
is wrong,
you can kinda address their circumstances.
Right? Maybe address the circumstances.
Think, okay,
how like, what is the issue
and what can be done?
And and don't come in with a,
accusatory
or, like, judgmental
tone.
Come in recognizing
the,
the seriousness
of the situation.
And a person,
they must be desperate
in order to do such a thing. Don't
assume like, oh, you're so bad and evil
and this is haram, and you're taking her
money.
Like, just say, gosh. You know? I'm sure
you would never do this if, like,
the situation must be really bad.
You must be really struggling financially
that the money that's coming in to support
mom, you're spending on this. Like, what what
is it? What can we do? Let's let's
brainstorm a little.
Right?
Presented in that way so that it doesn't
come across
as like, oh my god. You're such a
bad person
for doing this. Right?
Okay. How can I forgive myself for past
mistakes that have caused
conflict?
K?
You know, sometimes
the hardest person to forgive is yourself.
Right? That self
forgiveness,
it involves you have to acknowledge your mistakes.
You have to say, you know,
I realize
this is where I messed up.
You learn from it.
Right?
And then you take steps to mend it
if it is possible.
Right? So let's say you've wronged your parents.
You've wronged your parents and you wanna fix
it. You realize,
you've made certain mistakes.
Maybe you,
you're now so much better. You apologize
to them,
and then maybe you can do things to
make it up for them.
If they've already passed away, maybe you can
do
on their behalf.
Right?
And then, it's about understanding that everyone makes
mistakes,
and it's really about like, sometimes mistakes
are the best opportunities
for
best opportunities for growth.
Okay?
Growth,
learning,
and when you when you turn a conflict
or a problem into an opportunity,
then you can, you know, you can really
thrive.
Okay?
Let's see.
How can
how can I apply conflict resolution skills at
work when dealing with difficult
colleagues?
K.
That can be very tricky. I've had many
people complain about the, you know, office
politics.
There is the,
you know, the competitiveness.
There is, like, people trying to throw you
under the bus.
Right? So you have to really maintain
professionalism.
You have to try to use the active
listening
and then being
assertive
without being confrontational.
Okay?
And it's better if you address,
the person
privately
and not in in front of others
or don't like cattle tail. Right? A lot
of people in the office, instead of going
to a person maybe,
I remember I had a situation
in the last office building I was in,
and there's an individual right next door,
they would turn on the music.
Right?
And sometimes it was like, okay. He's finished
with work. He's trying to relax.
So I try to overlook it, and
I instead of going and maybe telling the
management, you know, you need to tell him
to lower that.
I just went up to him like, ah,
you know, that's nice. It just seems like
you're you're done for the week and,
you know, you're ready for some r and
r.
But could you kindly I'm like, I still
have sessions,
and, I'm gonna be here, like, let's say,
till 8. Could you please turn down the
of course. Yeah. Sure. And they do it.
But if you go and you tattletale on
them, then that can become a source of
tension.
Okay?
So,
that you have to address carefully.
What if I find myself
avoiding
conflict altogether
because they make me anxious?
So many people have,
you know, that avoidance behavior.
And this is why,
you know, you find that in a lot
of marriages,
a person just like, they just shut down.
The problem occurs. They either run away.
Right? Literally,
sometimes
they get up and they go to their
parents' home. They get up. They go to
a hotel. They, I mean, they just they
just can't handle it. And that's why it's
so important to teach this conflict resolution
because
it it it you know, if you don't
learn it,
then you are gonna freeze when you're in
a conflict.
You're not gonna know how to resolve it.
You're so you're gonna either hide or you're
gonna run away, right,
or you shut down.
So it it is very, very critical
to learn
how,
you know,
learning
the,
the steps.
Right?
And then know that if you avoid a
it doesn't go away. It's like if you
ignore a cavity, what's gonna happen? The cavity
is gonna turn into a root canal. If
you
if you ignore the root canal,
what's gonna happen? They're gonna have to pull
the tooth out. Right? So you you cannot
think the problem is not going away on
its own. Okay?
And then a lot of times, yeah, you
have to realize that not all,
not all conflicts are negative.
Right?
You can actually have a positive
outcome.
Right? So start with small steps
to build your confidence in handling conflict. If
you go through, you know, on my mentorship
program, the mindful hearts academy, we just did
how many lessons? 6 or 7 lessons on
conflict resolution.
And it gives you step by step your
mindset, your attitude, how to listen, how to
respond, how you know, if you
go through
an exercise like that, a program like that,
that will change everything for you. You will
you will know what to do, what to
say, and you will feel very skilled.
Okay?
Alright. How can I ensure that I continue
to grow in my conflict resolution,
in my conflict resolution skills? Okay?
So that that's an important question to ask.
How do I continue to grow?
Right? So continued growth, where does it come
from?
You have to keep practicing. You have to
keep
reflecting,
and you have to have someone that is
honest with you.
K? You have to regularly
assess
your interactions.
Right?
Get that feedback,
and then set new goals.
So it really like, engaging in continuous learning.
Like, my passion
is continuous learning. I wanna continue to to
learn, to work on myself, and be a
better person. So if you have that because
some people are like, I'm done. This is
the way I am, and they're, like, only,
like, 30.
You can't you can't think that way. You
gotta continuously,
you have to continuously
learn and work on yourself. So if you
can let me know what is it
that you're walking away with from this q
and a. Is there something that you learned,
something that you got reminded of,
something that you are going to,
start doing
Thank you, Cesarisha. It's about
attaining peace and recognizing,
by hold
but recognizing by holding a grudge, being angry
ends up happening. Is there
going to be a lot of trouble?
It's about
letting go of the resentment.
Okay. I think,
we missed
the biggest part of that. That was about,
you don't always have to what was it?
It was I don't think it was this.
It was something about the forgiveness.
Okay. It was this. Forgiveness
is a personal
journey
and doesn't always
require an apology.
Right? It's about letting go of the resentment
for your own peace of mind. Okay?
And focus on healing
focus on healing.
Okay. Thank you so much. Any anything? Anything
else? Any other questions?
Next week, we are
going to have a break, okay, because it's
the end of this,
the conflict resolution. I hope that you benefited.
If you did not watch all the videos,
take the time to watch. It is you
know, I put a lot of time and
effort into each lesson,
and it's all done with, you know, with
the steps of making everything very easy. So
if you have conflict in your life, just,
you know, make sure
that you commit
to that learning and applying and changing yourself.
So if you know someone
that maybe one of your friends, a family
member that may need this, a,
a sister of yours, your mother,
Tell them about the Mindful Hearts Academy, and
maybe they can benefit
by being a part of our community
and learning
to sell you know, to work on themself,
this,
self improvement.
I had one more question. Can you please
scroll up? Let me
see. Let's see where your question was.
I really struggle with empathizing.
I feel like feeling sorry for them.
Can you rewrite the question, please?
I don't see it.
I thought I got all your questions.
If you could please rewrite your question
because I I feel like I addressed all
your questions.
Let me see.
Yeah. I think I
my problem
before your account
comment.
You can't just copy it and
retype it. I'm not finding it.
This says it's my problem.
Okay.
Alright.
I'm sorry. I'm not seeing it. If you'd
like, you're welcome to,
write it again. I'll be happy to answer
it.
So I hope that you all,
he may Allah give us the ability,
the wisdom,
the
compassion
to
understand the situations we're in, to give us
the ability
to resolve our conflict
fairly.
Help us
to have the right words, have the right
tone, have the right way
of
resolving
issues because, really, sometimes something so
trivial can actually,
go out of hand and people are starting
to talk about divorce when they're just talking
about, let's say, the chores.
So, you Allah, help us to
have a good understanding,
to be fair,
to have to have
god god consciousness
and to have empathy in our heart. You
Allah help us to be able to penetrate
the hearts of the people around us,
show lots of love and understanding, and, you
Allah, help us to have the ability to
forgive,
help us to release ourself
and be able to forgive ourselves and to
really make a difference
in in our own spiritual healing, emotional healing,
and be able to do the same for
others.
Okay.
Yes. Thank you for,
getting that. I appreciate so next week, we're
not gonna have a lesson, and then we'll
see you the following week.
Take care.