Channel: Haleh Banani
Everything worthwhile in life requires patience: relationships, degrees, good body, raising kids. Learn the 10 ways to become more patient and have a better life.
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as salaam alaikum. I would like to start off by thanking all of you viewers for joining me each week. And I'd like to thank all those who have been writing in, we have gotten 1000s of SMS messages and emails about the program, many of you have said that the information is very beneficial, but it's a lot of information. So what I suggest is that you have a small notebook with you and call it the be empowered notebook. Because once you get the information and you start applying it, you will be empowered, I see my role as giving you the tools to having better to having a better life to having better relationships. But the key is to remember and to implement. So if you listen, and you
find it very nice and enjoyable, but you don't implement it, you're not going to see the results. So if you have your be empowered notebook, and just jot down a few of the notes that I say, This way, you can always refer to it. And it will be much more beneficial. Because I see myself as giving you the tools, and I don't want to just give you a hammer, I want to give you this Deluxe tool set with all sorts of screwdrivers and all the tools that you need to face all the issues in your life. And all these suggestions will be like the tools. So grab your notebook. And let's get started. It has never been easy to be patient. But I think that now it's harder than ever in history. We live in a
world that messages are sent across the world at an instant. And we can purchase anything seemingly anything with just a few clicks of the mouse. So it's very hard not to expect instant gratification. But patience remains to be a very valuable tool in life. And there are many things in life that we cannot get instantaneously. So we need to train ourselves, to have the patience and to wait because some of the best things in life, some of the things that are really worthwhile takes a long time takes a lot of dedication and hard work. Let's take for instance, a marital relationship having a successful marital relationship. It takes patience to hear each other out, make compromises make
decisions, if you're trying to raise your children to be morally upright, to have ethics and to have love for humanity. And for their Creator. It takes a lot of patience to keep repeating, repeating repeating all the things that you want to instill in your kids. And it takes patience to overlook many of the mistakes that they make. Also, if you look at people who are pursuing higher education, they're getting their degrees and their masters and their PhDs. It takes a lot of determination and self discipline, to stay at home and do the homework and to study for the exams and not to go out and just be carefree and spend time with friends. So anything that we pursue, you see that it
requires a lot of self motivation, and discipline. Even if you take excelling in sports, if someone wants to be like a great football player, or they want to be an excellent tennis player, swimmer or skier that takes the patience of an individual to go out every single day, practice long hours to sweat to work out. So whatever it is that we want to acquire, we need to practice our patience and improve it. Patience is actually like medicine. And that when you put the patients on, okay, when you apply patience, suddenly frustration goes away. outrage cools, and then you attain peace and serenity. It was a revelation for me when I realized that patience is a skill. It is a skill and
it's not something that is inherited. So it's not like you either are born with patience, or you're not born with patience. It is a skill like anything else. And you can practice and you can acquire the skill. It's I'd like to use the example of riding a bicycle. It's not something that people are born with. The people are not born just knowing how to ride their bike. It's a skill and they practice and they fall and they bruise themselves until they learn how to ride a bike. And very much the same way. Patience is like that where it may not come easy to you it might be your biggest test in life. But I think with practice with getting the right time
pools then you can you can really acquire it. So in order to acquire the skill of patience, which affects so many areas of our life, I'm going to give you eight tools, eight ways to improve your patience. Number one is attitude, your attitude. Now in real estate, the buzzword is location, location, location. But in psychology, it's all about attitude, attitude, attitude. So if you have the right attitude, meaning that you are accepting of the destiny of things that happen to you, if you are peaceful within yourself, and you have trust in your God, for the things that occur, then this attitude is going to help you acquire that patience. All the prophets were a symbol of patience
for us. If we look at the lives of the different prophets, whether it was Prophet Moses, or Jesus or Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon all of them. They all had the most difficult of tests and Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him, said that the people who are most beloved to, to God are the prophets and they're the ones who will be tested the most. And after that, it will be the righteous people. And after that, the people who are highest of faith so you'll see that in your life if you are having test after test, and affliction after affliction, don't be discouraged, don't be disappointed and feel like you're forgotten in any way. It is actually a blessing. It is a blessing and it's a
mercy when we are tested because it is like being tested like the the prophets because you are tested according to your faith, because no one is going to be burdened more than what they can handle. So if you're a given difficult test, that means that you have the capacity and you have the strong faith to to handle such circumstances and suited to my audit is number five, our law says alphabet Lehmann shaytani r rajim Bismillah R Rahman r Rahim hospital sobre janila, which means therefore, be patient with a beautiful patient. Now, what is this beautiful patience?
Beautiful patience means that you are content with what is happening. You're not complaining, you're not moping around. Because sometimes people will say
hamdulillah or Yeah, things are just fine. And they're just they're very depressed and down and they're trying to show like they are being patient. But in reality, it's not. If you look at the examples, like we were talking about the the different prophets and how they were so accepting of the most difficult things that they face the persecution, the challenges, regardless of the difficulties that they face, they remain steadfast and patient. And we have everyday examples. There is a individual who really had a profound impact on me, she is a lady probably in her 40s. And he was paralyzed from the neck down. And I went to visit her in a in a home here in Egypt, with a
friend of mine. And it was amazing to me seeing the look of contentment on her face. She did not say anything, but thank God thank god Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah with such a face of happiness, which, which just exemplified what Southern jameelah that beautiful patients what it means because there are people, they have everything in the world, they could be multimillionaires, they could have all the possessions, all the beauty, all the things in the world, and yet, they're depressed. I've done therapy with individuals that absolutely had everything and yet there was so much discontentment, so much depression and sadness. And you find that this all has to do with our level of faith and how
much we trust in God. When we have that trust, then there is the sense of serenity. I think it's very important to look and see people who are much worse off because when we see that our trouble seems so little in comparison and I I'm in the habit of taking my children and going and visiting places where people are living in much very difficult conditions. And I think this helps us and helps us to stay grounded and makes us realize that we have so much to be grateful for the second thing that I'd like to mention is prioritizing. You have to keep in mind, what is most important in your life. Stephen Covey has a wonderful way of saying First things first and he will put big rocks,
little rocks and sand and tell an individual How can you fill this glass jar and there are people who will pour in the sand or put it in
The little pebbles and see that they have no space for the big rocks. And actually, these big rocks represent the most important things, the priorities in our life. So if we put the big rocks in first, so our family, our religion, our children, our work, and then you put the small pebbles in. And these are the things the things if you have extra time for you have time for your friends, and for extracurricular activities, and then the sand. And these are all the things if you have extra time to be able to do it. So prioritizing, and if you do the things that are most important than gift time and attention to them, then your life will be in order and you'll be more calm. And also
asking yourself when something is upsetting is, how important is this, like if your child is running late? How important is this in the whole scheme of things, and when we have things in the right priority, many things will become very trivial. The third thing is expect the unexpected. When you expect the unexpected, then you're ready. So expect the fact that you may get a flat tire, there may be an accident, there could be cancellation. And when you keep all these things in mind, it's like you're mentally preparing yourself. And that way, you're not on edge, because many times people are planning things or expecting things to be absolutely perfect. So let's say it's a 10 minute drive
from home to school, and they will give exactly 10 minutes now what if something happens? What if there's traffic? What if you get a flat tire, if you don't calculate the unexpected things that could occur, you will be very, very impatient. So I think it's very critical to expect the unexpected, especially if you have children because the children you never know you never know what to expect. They suddenly get sick, you can plan a trip and they get suddenly gets sick. Or they may, they may spit up on their new clothes right when you're about to leave the house. So when you do that you prepare yourself in certain now, I am number 42. Allah says in the Quran, Allah Xena, Saba
arowana, vision yeto.
Those who are steadfast and put their trust in their Lord. So I think it's very critical to have the trust when you have the trust that there is a bigger plan. And even though things may not fall exactly into place, the way you micromanage that, but the bigger plan is God's plan. And if we can submit to that and accept it, we will be so much happier and so much more content. Number four is being able to relax. Relaxing is a great way to combat impatience and getting frustrated. So we need to do exercises like the breathing exercises where you take deep breaths and hold it. And you can also simultaneously do the muscle relaxation, and tell yourself calming words that everything's
gonna be fine. I'm going to make it easy and just say things that are going to calm you. And also you could do a prayer because prayer has a profound impact on your serenity. They've done studies on individuals who perform meditation, and when they do meditation is they feel a lot more serene, and individuals who are in the practice of doing this, they're less likely to get sick, actually, if they do get sick, they cure they are cured quicker. And so if we are in the habit of doing the prayers, then this gives us the serenity that we need and Allah says in the Quran in Surah Al Baqarah Ayah number 153 out of Illumina shaytani r rajim Bismillah Ar Rahman AR Rahim Yeah, yo Han
Latina Amma. No, no, this February was Salah. In no law, her now Saudi. Oh you who believe seek help and steadfastness and prayer. Allah is with the steadfast in order to gain strength. God is giving us the directions. It's kind of like a recipe you need strength, then go ahead and get that strength get your endurance from doing the prayers because it's kind of like recharging your battery. This is how I view the five daily prayers that we perform as a way of recharging. Now imagine your phone how quick are we to stick it in the charger and make sure that you have a full battery before you leave the house. Now with us we do this five times a day and the Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him has
said that if you had a river and buy your home and five times a day you washed from this clean water you wash your front entrance
And how clean would there be a spot of dirt left on on there, and it's absolutely not, it would be clean. And so he was saying that the prayers, cleans us from the sins from one prayer to the next from the minor sins. And so if we're in the habit of praying, and meditating and get gaining this connection, we recharge our battery. And I think it's so critical that we have this during the five times a day in the morning, as soon as we wake up, what a better way to start your day, than to recharge your batteries, with the Creator with the most powerful and that way, you started with a positive attitude, you are asking for his protection and his help. And then throughout the day,
because it's so easy to get caught up, you're caught up with your work with studying with the children. And it's very difficult to stay focused and mindful. But when you pull away from the activities that you're doing, and you plug in again, you plug in and you pray and get recharged, then it reminds you of what are the things that are important because we were just talking about priorities. And this is the way of remembering what is most important in life. I'll give you the example when we are, for instance, in Amara and the whole everything that we do in Makkah, everything that we do during the day revolves around the prayers. Now if we don't have time, we are
scheduling everything around the prayer. So we make sure that we we make it if we don't have time, we won't go to let's say the buffet, we'll go grab a quick snack so we can make it. And then when we come back, what happens is kind of like the opposite occurs, right? We do everything and then we squeeze in the prayers. So we have to keep what's most important as a focal point. And then as far as at the end of the day, when we're about to go to sleep, we ended with a prayer. So imagine how full Your life will be and how everything will be in just the right priority. Please stay tuned. After we come back, I will discuss with you the eight ways of gaining patience.
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Welcome back, I was talking to you about the eight ways of becoming patient. I mentioned how important your attitude is, you need to prioritize when you prioritize and the things that are most important to you, you're giving them your time and attention, you'll have less tendency to become impatient. The third thing was expect the unexpected. When you plan ahead, and you know that things may go wrong, you have it, you will not be as impatient. And the last is learning how to relax. When you relax, you meditate, you say calming words to yourself and you pray that these things will make you much more patient. Now I'm going to continue with the fifth way of becoming more patient. The
fifth way you can become more patience is to look at your life and see Why are you in such a hurry? Is it because you have taken on too many responsibilities? Are you trying to multitask? If it is that maybe you need to lower your expectations, maybe take on fewer things. I know that as ladies, we love to multitask, we like to be doing so many things at the same time. And if you're able to do that, and remain calm, then more power to you. But if you find that as you're, as you're doing more things, you become edgy, and you're impatient and you're losing your control, then try to do less things at the same time. And I think that will make us all be a lot more calm. And also make sure
that you have set the right limits in your in your relationships at work. So don't take on more things if you're not able to being able to say no is so important. And I know that it was really challenging for myself, to say no to a very good cause. For instance, if someone tells me Come give a talk or let's do this charity it was before. It used to be very hard to to not accept. But I've trained myself to set those boundaries and limits because it's important to know what we're capable of doing and what will be just too much. So when you set limits at work in your family life, then you are not going to spread yourself too thin and you are more likely to be calm and to be patient.
And so just to be able to say no from time to time to the things even if it's a cause that you believe in but if that's
going to push you over the edge, it's not worth it. So just try to pace yourself and have a schedule that allows you enough time to take a breath and not to be in this constant rat race. And other times, if you see that it might just take a little rescheduling, in order to to have more patients sometimes just waking up half an hour earlier. So you're not putting so much pressure, let's say on yourself, or especially on the kids, I think kids are oblivious to time, they have no concept, they're just, they're having a good old time. And you might be on a strict schedule. So if you give them maybe an extra half an hour, an extra hour to get ready, then you have a less tendency to get
anxious and impatient. And I say all this to myself, first and foremost, because I know that it is a challenge as as a mother to maintain the patience with with our children, it is a ongoing, ongoing challenge. And so I advise myself first and foremost, suggestion number six is keep a journal, if you can keep a little history of the times that you've become impatient, when certain situations or circumstances causes you to be tense, you write down the date, you write down the situation. For instance, someone could say, math exam, and that's where I became impatient. Or you could say, children getting ready in the morning, that's when I became impatient. And you just keep track of
the times when you do become really impatient. And this way you can reflect and you can kind of anticipate and you see a pattern, you see that maybe it's when you're in traffic, you're the you know that you're the least patient, or maybe it comes to dealing with certain people in your life, family members, your spouse or your children. And then once you see the pattern, then you can plan for it. And you can be more prepared and do some of those exercises I was telling you about. Because you know that these are the trigger points, or these are my weak spots, I better watch out. And I do this with many of my clients that come in. And let's say they have an anxiety disorder, I will tell
them that just jot down the times when you feel most anxious. And then we start working on those situations. So if someone is feeling really, really impatient, when, for instance, they are in the car driving, okay, and there's major traffic and they're feeling really impatient, and they're honking and they're getting anxious, and their blood pressure is rising. So it say okay, so this is the area you need to work on the most. Why don't you do something that is really relaxing? Why don't you listen to maybe some useful tapes, books on tape, maybe lectures, maybe do your breathing exercises, and maybe even plan out, you know, you could record your voice, maybe you could plan,
plan your events or plan your days. And so this will keep your mind busy, and you won't get as impatient. So try to get yourself that a journal where you can keep track of the times when you are becoming impatient. suggestion number seven is be prepared when you are prepared. And you know what to expect that you will not become as impatient. Boredom leads to impatience. So whenever you're in a situation where you're becoming really, really bored, then make sure you have some kind of reading material, something to do. And I think this goes also for children. If you're going out with your children, make sure you bring something that keeps them busy. I can't tell you how many moms I have
seen, take their kids drag their kids to a lecture, a lecture that is aimed at adults, and they expect the kids to sit there for two hours, not move, not talk and not do anything. And this is really, this is unreasonable. So if you're prepared, let's say you bring your the coloring books for the kids, you bring some kind of quiet activity that they can do, then they won't become so they won't become so anxious, and you will be more patient. So try to plan and prepare for the different events during the day so that you won't become so impatient. The last suggestion is learning to to look at things without being judgmental. It's learn to observe without passing judgment. And there
is a really nice exercise I did in a in a graduate course called transcendental psychology. And in this course, it basically prepared us how to control our emotions, and how to dissociate ourselves from the emotion so that we're not so engrossed in it. So for instance, when it went
incident occurs and you're feeling very impatient and you're getting frustrated, you need to put yourself and the situation on like a movie screen, okay? So you are viewing yourself as an outsider, you view yourself on the screen, your interaction, maybe with your spouse, with your children in the traffic jam, and you step back and you start looking at yourself, and you try not to pass any judgment, you're not emotionally entangled in the situation. And when you're able to do this, then you remain calm. So even though the circumstance would normally make you very anxious, or very upset, but because you are projecting this onto the screen, and you're observing as kind of a more
objective third party, rather than just being engrossed in it, this would have a very calming effect. And it takes practice, I remember, when I first started, it was really hard to try to see myself in the situation. But as you practice, you find that it becomes it becomes a skill and a very useful skill. Because many times when we're in the midst of an emotion or a circumstance, we just react, and we're impulsive. And we may do or say things that is not according to our standards. But when you're when you're viewing yourself, you will be more cautious about the way you react, there are many things that we can do to become more patient. And some of the things that I mentioned at
the first half of the of the show. And now the last last four remaining are the reasons you are in a hurry, just kind of reflect on your life and see what's causing you to be in such a rush. Is it over commitment? Or are you agreeing to too many things. The next thing is keeping a journal trying to keep track of all the times that you do lose your patience and become aware of the pattern, then you can be prepared, be prepared. So if you're about to go somewhere, and you know you're going to wait in line or you're going to be stuck in traffic have things that you're doing so you don't lose your patience. And the last thing is learning to observe the situation without being emotionally attached
to it and without passing judgment. So these conclude the eight ways of becoming more patient. Thank you for tuning in. And I actually would like to encourage you to write in if you have any suggestions for the show or if you have any questions. What I would like to do is start answering some of your questions in my program may be the last few minutes I will I will select some of your questions and address them so please do write in and I would love to hear from you. It's it's like a law fair as salaam alaikum
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