Parenting Class – What Not To Do

Haleh Banani

Channel: Haleh Banani

Topics: Parenting

Episode Notes

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An Interactive Parenting Class on ‘What Not To Do’ with your kids and as a parent.

January 03, 2017

Episode Transcript

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Beyond

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the

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Salam aleikum, welcome to the parenting class. So I hope everyone had a good vacation. Yes, if you're refreshed, I definitely didn't handle this the lower salatu salam ala rasulillah. So today, I want to talk to you about what are some of the things that you need to avoid doing. Because as important as it is for, we need to know what not to do as well, that's very critical. So I'm going to talk about that a little bit. And then I'm going to open it up for q&a. So if you want to gather your thoughts and your questions, and I can address that, inshallah.

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So, one of the things that I know, as moms, we get, we're overworked, we're frustrated. And a lot of times the way we take take out our anger is through yelling, right? A lot of people I'm sure, are very guilty of yelling on a regular basis. Now, this is one of the things that we really need to try to avoid. Because why do you think? Do you first of all, let me ask you, do you think yelling is effective?

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Those tuning in is yelling effective?

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deer with your kids just run and do what you ask them? Because you're, you're yelling?

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works for a while. What are the what are some of the negative? What are some of the negative consequences?

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They get scared, okay? So it instills a bit of fear, right? What else?

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Are they loving you at that moment?

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Right. So it creates also like that negative association that there are times obviously that you you need to get upset, and you need to be firm. But what I'm talking about is when yelling is your go to response, right? Like that is the mode of communication on a regular This is what I'm talking about that we need to really reduce that there are times definitely you will get mad, you do need to raise your voice. It is important to discipline in that sense. But I am saying we need to avoid having that perpetual, that your mode of communication is through yelling, because first of all, what happens is yes, they get used to it, there you go. That's what they and then they hate us.

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Okay, so they get used to it, they tune it out. Because as soon as you go into yelling mode, you turn it off. Actually, there's a very effective psychological method that you could use that when you are upset, you lower your voice. And when you lower your voice, like everyone has to sit like like you're doing, you're sitting on the edge of your seat wondering what's going to be said next, right. And that's a way of getting the attention. Sometimes teachers really effective teachers do that, right, say yelling and screaming, and you know, everybody's down and they lose it. They look like a crazy woman. They just get quiet. And then everyone is like wondering what are they saying?

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So I think it's really important for us to first of all, be in control of how we are acting. Because guess what, like I've said so many times before they're going to model our behavior. So some way down the line when when they're teenagers and they start reacting, we're going to be like, Where did this come from? And a lot of times when I do therapy with young adults, one of the things they say because I always refer back to their childhood and tell me about the child. And it's so sad when a person thinks back to their childhood, and all they could say is that it was very, it was very sad. It was a very sad childhood because I was always being yelled at. Okay, that's the first thing that

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pops into their mind. And you can't imagine how much that affects everything about their life, how they feel about themselves, their outlook on life, their interactions, their relationships, right? So I always say, be focused on the memories that you're leaving behind. Right? Because if they are,

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if they're memory with you is just being pushed around, being yelled that all of these things then they're just gonna feel so frustrated. They will not they can't wait to run away.

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runaway is figuratively, right? But how did they they want an escape the number of clients who have told me that they use marriage as an escape, they just they're like, anybody, just get me out of here. And now, you know, after I don't know how many decades of being married, they're like, I can't believe that I just chose the first random person just to be out of that environment. So when someone is that desperate, they feel like, you know, anything is better than this home. Right? And we don't want that we don't want our children to look at marriage as a source of an escape, we want it to be like, you know, find someone that is compatible, someone who's going to bring out the best

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in you, not just as a ticket out, right? Because a lot of times, they also know from conservative family is that they're not going to be able to live alone. So that's not an option, they can't go off to college, that's not an option. So it's just like marriage becomes the only way out so and marriages that start with that intention, just really go sour really quickly, right. I've had friends who've confided in me and have said that that was their reason for getting married. There. Like from the beginning, I knew that I had nothing in common with this person. I didn't even like them. But you know what, I thought this is my way. So the home environment is so critical. It's so

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critical for us.

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so critical for us to create the right environment, right? And as the mom, you really play an important role, right? I know if I'm like a little bit under the weather. Like if I'm not feeling good or something, it's just like the whole mood of the house changes. And everyone's like, What's wrong, Mama. So we need to be like that source of energy positivity happiness. Because if we're if we're just a source of anger and frustration, here, the kids are really just going to feel distant. I have a lot of people who,

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you know, moms and their, let's say 50, who'll do therapy and there, they will complain about the fact that all my kids, you know, they're growing up, they're either married or in their college, they never call me, they never spend time with me. And then as soon as you ask about the childhood, you find out well, you know, what was going on back then? Right? What was going on, when they were at home, and you find that there was a lot of yelling, there's a lot of punishment, there was a lot of a lot of negativity. So that's not going to make those kids want to stay in con, they want to be as far away as possible. And then what the moms do, they use guilt and they use like, you know,

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this, if you don't, then you're not going to heaven. And I am not going to pardon you, I'm not gonna forgive you. And then it's like all this, like, spiritual manipulation of trying to manipulate your kids to visit you isn't that silly? I mean, that really is and, and so many people fall into that, why not just be a source of happiness, a source of support a source of like, is someone that your kids would like to spend time with that way, you don't have to put a gun to their head and say, Come visit me or else I'm going to be mad at you. And I'm going to give you a lecture. And a lot of times when there are some family members that if you call them and it's been a lot that you get this long

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lecture, and you're like, oh god, this is why I didn't call. This is exactly what I was trying to avoid people. Right. But

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if you call and you are well received, and you get a lot of love and a lot of support, then that's going to be this positive reinforcement. Right? So I think we really need to make sure that we really, Yes, go ahead. Like,

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spiritually like when playing around as an is going on. If you tell the kids like, go pray first Allah will be happy. We, if we don't do that, is it a good statement? Or what are we doing? Okay, the question the sisters posing is that when the Adonis called and the kids are playing and running around and you tell she's wondering if it's okay to say if you pray Allah is happy with you, but if you don't pray, Allah is mad at you. Part. First part was good. Okay, first part is good, because you know what it is. You really need to instill the love of Allah in their hearts, you really make me to make them want to go towards it. When it's only about if you don't do this, he's gonna punish

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you. If you don't do this. You're going to hell if you don't do this. Yeah. That is what the majority of people have been instilling into the hearts of their kids. I just had a client yesterday. He's in college, and he's like, I

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was, you know, I was introduced in such a negative way it was all out of force, it was all out of negativity, you don't do this, you're gonna get punished if you don't do this. And it just, it was so overwhelming that he is just now like very he has distanced himself. He went from a guy who was very practicing, kept himself from all of these, all these temptations throughout high school, but then like now in college, it's like, he's, he's lost, because of all of that negativity associated with the dean, right with the religion. So we have to be so dramatic.

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I do in my home, like,

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we have bonus points. Okay, as long as

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as soon as I

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finish, okay. Okay, so setting up a way of rewarding.

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Even more bonus, okay? Setting up a reward system where you are setting up a reward system where you Okay, the first one who comes to pray, or if you pray, right after the hackathon, you get this many points, that's great, okay? But don't start saying Allah is going to be managed, and Allah is angry, and Allah is going to punish you and Allah, you know, because all of this, they just like it starts affecting them. Right? That needs to be that I want to do it because I love Allah, rather than I want to do it, because I'm so scared. I, okay. So that that's one of the first things so any, like any questions regarding the the yelling at the kids? And

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can?

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Let's see.

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Any questions?

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Okay, go ahead. So, not projecting, particularly something it like, the kids have so many things to do. So if I don't put pressure on them, they can't finish something. I feel bad. Like, I'm like pushing them around a lot, not by yelling, but you know, this to this to this. Okay. So the sisters question is, you know, the kids have so much going on, and they feel so pressured, and she has to constantly push them. And this is a very good point to bring up. Because I feel that these days, our parents are so driven to get their kids in like multiple activities, and every minute of the day is jam packed. And personally, from a psychological perspective, too much of that will have a negative

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impact. I mean, you definitely having your extracurricular activities, having sports, that's good bye. But when is every minute is packed, and they're always like, pressured, and they don't have any downtime. Even on the weekend, there's no downtime, there's like from one class to the next class. So what I would say is, prioritize, find out what activities are, you know, what they love the most, or what's most important to you minimize it, okay, they don't have to do like 10 different things, right? just minimize it to maybe two, three things, and stick with that. Okay. And I think that'll put a lot of take a lot of pressure off the parents as well, because I think that parents, my gosh,

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they're like, really, I was so stressed out, as they're just, they're driving back and forth. And you got to do this and do that. So just try to minimize the number of activities. And then once you do that, they will have a little bit of downtime, and you won't feel like you're pushing so hard. But definitely we do need to push to some extent, right. It's not like just

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hands off approach, you do need to motivate you do need to, but it's just a matter of choosing what areas you're going to emphasize. Okay. All right. I'm gonna see if there are any questions coming in. All right. How do you deal with ADHD, child,

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ADHD,

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if you don't treat it, it can create problems like ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactivity. And, and if, if you address it, and there are different ways of addressing it, sometimes it's just changing the diet is like giving them the right source of diet, staying away from wheat, and sugars and all of these things and they can really be a lot calmer, and they can focus a lot better. And then there are times when it's so excessive, that some medication is required. Other times you can do cognitive behavioral therapy, where you can give certain pointers on how to deal with them being more organized, reinforcing certain behaviors. So they're, you know, really like three different ways of

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going about it. The worst thing you could do is just ignore it and think, you know, a lot of parents are in denial about their child having some kind of attention deficit disorder, and they just

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To fight they think, Okay, well, he does really well in school, so he doesn't have it. Most ADHD.

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Kids, okay, they are like, they're actually very bright. It is a disorder that people who think about many things at the same time, so they're super bright, and they're capable of focus. And they'll say, Oh, no, my, my child sits and plays PlayStation for two hours. He's very focused. And it's like, okay, it's about having the ability to go from one subject to the next effortlessly, and being able to remember and follow through and not lose things. Right. So one of the things I want to tell parents is that you don't be in denial about your kids and, and if they have any kind of shortcomings, because if you, you know, I had, I had one, one client who was in his 20s. And he's

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like, you know, all throughout my life. I knew I had ADHD and my parents, parents who are doctors just totally ignored it. I know, no, you're fine, you're fine. This is a made up thing. There is no such thing. And it's, you know, just totally ignored it. He struggled and struggled and struggled throughout school. And then in college, finally, you know, I was able to convince the parents to address this. And once he got the help that he needed, he was able to focus so much better. Alright, so that's, that's important to realize. Let's see

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if there's some other questions, yes.

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Yeah, if you want to know if your child has ADHD, definitely you can you can go to a psychologist or psychiatrist, and then they do have like a set of a questionnaire, right? I mean, the main thing, it's really simple. Does your child forget things often? Okay, with someone who has ADHD, they're constantly forgetting assignments, forgetting what you told them? Do they lose things? Right? Do they?

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Do they have a difficult time concentrating? Do they fidget all the time? Are they like playing

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constantly sitting there doing something with their hands, they're rocking, they're tapping, they're doing something or another. And, and then they have a hard time transitioning from one activity to another because it takes them so long to concentrate. So when they want to shift gears, then it's very, very hard. Okay. So that that's like, basically the, the criteria that is needed, but it is best to get it diagnosed and see if they are, and once they are, then you are no longer frustrated with them. Because I see some moms that I've seen

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individuals that they really struggle with their kids, I had, like, I had friends back in,

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you know, back when I was in, in Egypt, and I saw that they were like, let's say struggling with certain aspects of their of the parenting. And it really had a lot to do with the fact that they were ADHD. And it just wasn't addressed. So I think when you recognize it and take action, that's that's the best way to go. Okay.

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Right. Let's see, sister. So we have ADHD. If I don't yell, I burst into tears from helplessness. If I yell, I feel guilty and cry too. Oh, oh, all right, well, we are all very emotional, right? As moms and we deal with a lot, you know, it's not easy. It's not easy to be, let's say at home all day with the kids and the responsibilities you have. And that's why it's so critical to make sure that you have some kind of an outlet, that you're not bottling everything up. And I find that a lot of moms, you know, they end up taking out the frustration maybe that they feel for their husband, or with the in laws all on the kids, you know, so you have to be resolving these conflicts, you have to

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resolve issues that you're personally feeling so that there's no reason really to explode on a regular basis. Like if you have moments where, okay, you get really angry and it's justifiable, okay, that those are understand, but it's that

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chronic yelling, right? That that's your only form of communication, that becomes a problem. And if you find that you're very emotional and crying all the time, then I really suggest that you find out what is at the core of this because most likely is not the kids, the kids. That's just like, you know, that's the What is that? The

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the hay that broke the camel's back. Right. It's like that last bit of thing that you just can't take any more and then you explode, but I'm guessing there are a lot of other things going on. Right? You feeling secure, maybe you're unhappy with the way you're looking you

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Her husband has not been maybe like nice to your mother in law maybe gave you 30 locks, whatever it is, it's just built built up. And you're suppressing it, you're not addressing it. And then your child like, spills the milk, and then you just you lose it. Right? And the poor kid is looking at us.

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Now, let's take situation like that, instead of yelling, you use reason. And you model that correct behavior. How much better is it going to be right? I mean, I have, right now one of these young adults that I'm working with, he's like, you know, I just, I don't know how to handle disappointment. As soon as something goes wrong. I just I yell, I scream, I I've lost all my friends. All my relationship with my parents, my brother, everything is ruined, because his inability to cope his inability to resolve conflict, right? And I'm guessing, hearing from his, you know, childhood. That's how the parents dealt with it. I'm disappointed in you. There's yelling,

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screaming hitting punishment, right? So how do we expect our kids to be better than us when we're not? We're not controlling ourselves, right? So that's really important that we, we gain control. And, and really cut down on that. I mean, even if you have to step into another room, do some deep breathing, punch out a pill. Yeah, you need to all we all need to get y'all need to get like these punching bags, right. And I remember after I had my three kids, I was taking kickboxing just to get in shape, very effective way of losing weight. Mashallah. So I was doing kickboxing, and it's like, it is so effective as a way of just getting, getting any kind of negative energy, anxiety, whatever

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it is out of your system. I remember visualizing, like, I'm beating up the shaytaan

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it's coming, like it's trying to tell me, tell me to do about that. And I was like, you know, and it feels good when you just actually you physically, you know, if you're like punching, kicking, whatever it is that you're doing, don't do that on your, on anyone

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get a punching bag, and it really takes away that and actually, that helps with the kids as well, where they have something to get it, you know, get it out instead of taking it out on their like their little brother, or on in school to have a way of releasing that tension. Right. So we can do that. Then the second thing that we need to we need to avoid is that the helicopter parenting you know, where you're, you're constantly watching over the kids. So I see some guilty smile.

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You don't let them out of your sight. You don't let them do anything. Right. So funny. I went to I was invited to Texas,

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in Houston, my hometown. And last year, I had done a series on parenting right on 10 ways to mess up your kids. And I remember this mother and son came up to me and the son was like, Mom, congratulations, you.

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You got all 10 you know, all 10 ways. And and then so I'm having a conversation with

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with the mom and the son, the son is just like, I mean, he's, he looks like a really good boy, Mashallah. And he looks responsible. And he's like, my mom doesn't let me do anything is like, I can't go out of the house. I can't meet up with my friends. And, and then she's like, I'm just protecting you.

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As I'm trying to help the mom understand that you need to give some breathing space, right? Because if you're constantly hovering over them, if you're solving all their problems, right? A lot of times, I think moms find that a lot easier to just step in and take over, right instead of saying, okay, here's how you do it, watching the process, right? So we really need to give them that space to even have that space to make a mistake. Right? A lot of times we become so overprotective, and we don't want them to make any mistake, but you and I made mistakes, right? Growing up, we fell into things that may have not been the best, but what what happened from that experience, we learn and we

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grew, but if you're like constantly around them, and you're just not allowing them to, to experience life because you're so afraid, then then they're going to really want to break free. Right? So that helicopter parent where you will step in, you solve all their problems. There's an issue let's say they have an issue with their, with their friends.

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Help them guide them but let them let them solve it. If there's an issue at school right with it, do your best to do

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Give them the skills to go and do it, empower them, right? Because there are some moms who do so much for their kids to the point that the child will feel disabled without their mom. And it's a very subconsciously, the mom has a need to be needed. So they actually disempower the kids outside. We may we don't think about it's not a conscious thing. I want to make my child disabled. But that's what we're doing basically, right? We need to empower our kids like just recently, my son, he's 17 Mashallah. very responsible young man. He wanted to, he wanted to go on a camping trip with his buddies. He asked, we we thought four or five kids are gonna go, none of the parents allowed their

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kid, no one allowed them except one other parents, a good friend of mine. And, you know, he was excited about it. I was like,

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go for it. You know, I said, Go for it. And some of my friends were just shocked. They're like, you know, this is hitting him goal alone. And they need supervision. And what is this, you know, and I just felt that my objective as a parent is to raise, I want to raise young men, especially with with a man needs to be able to take care of things he needs to be able to handle such if you're constantly babying them, if you're constantly being overly protective, not trusting them, making them feel that you don't trust them, making them feel that they're not capable. Oh, here, let me do it. And if you do that, then they're not going to feel like, you know, later on in life, when you

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really want them to stand up and be a man and you're thinking, What's wrong with you? Why don't you? Why don't you get your act together? Why don't you do this for yourself? Well, did you allow them to write when they were when they were in that process, and for me, was really important to kind of let go. And throughout the parenting, I really, I really trained myself to be able to let go and not to be one of those clingy moms that doesn't want my child to go anywhere. Because I'm too scared, right? I want to, you know, we have to give them the right tools, we have to put the right character, the emaan all of that, and then allow them allow them to make decisions allow them

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sometimes to make mistakes, right? And that's the way they're going to grow and learn but if we're constantly like you can't go out and you know, you can't leave you know, when I when he sent pictures and he was like, you know, set up the tent and he made the fire and they cook they cook three meals on their own each day. Mashallah Tabata Cola, on their own, what a powerful experience. They're like freezing cold. This was like, you know, beginning of the winter break, where it was like the coldest it had been. But you know what, it's an experience. These kind of experience shapes a child's personality. And when they are deprived of all experience, anything fun, they're deprived.

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Rama, Rama, Rama, Rama, Rama, or I'm scared, I'm scared. Oh, my God, I'm afraid this is wrong holiday. They're just like, they're in this little cocoon of their home, which is yet filled with sometimes a lot of yelling. Right? That's what's going to make them want to run a portion like

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this.

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Yes, yes. And and I have to say that, first of all,

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Hamdulillah, my son has proven to me that he is responsible. I wouldn't do that with a child if I didn't. If I didn't trust him, if I didn't respect him, or if I felt that he was kind of like

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shaky Elpida or shaky beliefs like Alhamdulillah, he has proven himself to me and his friends as much love from a family that I yes, that's very good friends, that we, we trust them, we really know the way they were raised. Right? I wouldn't just send them with anyone. So you have to be you have to be smart, and who your kids interact with, what environment they're going to be in. I'm not telling you to just you know, let them go and let them do anything. But when they earn your trust and See, the problem is a lot of parents don't allow the opportunity to gain the trust. That's what I like from early on from when he was like, let's say 12. I was providing little opportunities.

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Okay, you go here you go get this you do that. To build that trust, to the point that Okay, now I can handle him going off, let's say on his own, but you have to feel

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Do that with your child. And if you don't, if you feel like he will be irresponsible, or he might harm him saw he might get in trouble or something like that, then there's more work that needs to be done before you let them go like that. Okay, any, any more questions that Sam's is checking here? How to deal with bipolar kids? Okay.

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You know, with any kind of mental health issue, you you have to seek professional help, okay? It's not something that you can just ignore, it's not going to go away. What happens when you have a when you have a cavity? Can you just ignore it and wish it'll go away? What happens when you ignore? it? just gets worse from a cavity? It goes root canal, yep, to pull the tooth, right. So we have to make sure that whatever mental health issues, we have to treat it like any other illness, what would happen if you knew like a child has heart disease, right, has some kind of, maybe they have pneumonia, or maybe they have some kind of

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some kind of medical condition and you're not treating it? It would feel it would be very negligent, right? You would look at the parent and think, how could you not get medical attention for this child, this child needs medication, this child needs to get treatment, right? But then what do we do when it comes to mental health? It's not It's not even there, they made up your making up this into doesn't exist, it will go away. Right? So we really have to be aware. So whether you have ADHD, whether you're bipolar, depression, whatever it is, just get that professional help for them. That could be the best gift better than any trip, any expensive gadget, any car, you treat their mental

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health. And you'll be amazed. And I really respect parents, like I have a few young adults that are coming to me and their parents. Like this one. One guy, he's a really good kid, okay, could get he's smart. He's religious does, you know very respectful to his parents never got in trouble. Great kid. Okay. I kept asking, does he do this? As he did? I'm like, Okay, I'm thinking or why is why is he coming in, right? But he was extremely shy to the point that he didn't know how to interact with others. And the parents were worried they're like, you know what? He he goes to college comes by and he doesn't, he's too scared to even ask a question. So I really respect that the parents that they

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recognize that this is a problem,

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we need to be

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that they recognize that this is going to be an issue in their in his future. So they brought him in for therapy. And guess what I did, I like to draw playing, I gave him confidence how to sit, how to walk, how to interact, how to raise his voice, all of that. And guess what, within that, that first session, he went from like just coming in me

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feeling like he doesn't want to take space. He doesn't want to like his voice to be heard. You know, he gained that confidence. That first week he went he applied for a job, got interviewed and got the job Mashallah Tabata cola. And I told the parents, I'm like, good for you, that you recognize those and you help them because now, now he has the tools, you know, we still have some work to do.

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But at least you you recognize us and the sooner you recognize it, and you treat it, the better. Because when something is just ignore, then that that guy that Mika is going to go and work and he's going to be taken advantage of, and he might get into a marriage, he's his wife is going to be so frustrated because he doesn't express him saw. I mean, it's just it's such a cycle. But when you tend to it,

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when you tend to it, and you take you know, then then they are just empowered.

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Any other question? Let's see. So what is the right approach to bring our kids closer to Allah? How shall we do it in a way that they can absorb what we are, we are trying to tell them. The key is to create that, you know, the love of Allah mining them, what are all the things that Allah has given them? When when you think about, just think of let's say, there's a grandparent like my mom is lives far away, okay? And they don't get to see see my mom, but I share with them stories about what she did for them when they were little, how she would play with them, how she would take care of her how she would beat them and all of these things. I tell them and even though they may not see her

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Frequently, their heart is filled with love, right? So that when they see her, they just they run now even. So, when we start telling, like we do that with family members that we want our kids to love, right, because you remind them of all the wonderful things they've done. So

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without like you need to, you need to remind your kids all the amazing blessings that they have. And when you remind them, it is all from Allah still use a lot as a way of just scaring them. Really, that is such, it just so disrespectful to Allah, it is a lack of etiquette.

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Because Allah is so much more majestic and merciful and amazing than that. And when it boils down to just a lot is going to punish you, then people are not going to run towards that. But when you start talking about oh my god, I like this and that and we need to like, like, how do you react when someone gives you a gift? Or $100?

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How do you act?

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You jump up for joy?

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What if the gift is $1,000 $1,000? gift? What if it's a $10,000? gift?

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Right? 50,000? Right? I mean, think about all the gifts that Allah has given us send the millions, right? So we need to kind of remind them of that. Okay.

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So what is the best way to direct and steer a two year old that shows anger or screams? When you say no, first of all, you shouldn't be saying no.

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Because when you say no, they that's what they pick up on. And they resist. There's a lot of like, you need to just redirect, you know, redirect your kids this, distract and explain to them. So like no, no, oh, that just really annoys me when I see parents doing that, because they don't realize that that is actually getting them to draw closer to that thing. Right? You just have to say, like, one of the things we used to do with our kids is like we would say, in Arabic with Wayne, ma'am. No, like, well, what's the forbidden areas by any dish dish this, you know, they would show the crystal I can't touch. I can't touch this, right? They knew. So I would have my crystals all out. And they

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were like two year olds. And I train them you don't touch this. Because some people make their living room into a jungle gym, right? And then they expect when they go when they take come other places the child thinks is a jungle gym, right wants to jump on the furniture and climb on the table. And you have not trained them that this is not appropriate behavior. You have to rely. Every place. There's things you can touch things you can't touch places you can go places you can't go right. So you have to first of all, not keep saying no you educate. And then when there's anger, you have to calmly hold them down because sometimes they get all over the place. And you just you maybe

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help them with some breathing. Take a deep breath with me. Okay? It's gonna be okay. Or sometimes they just need to be left alone to kind of cool off. Okay, so that's, these are two ways. I'm going to take maybe one more question.

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Let's see. I'm close with my son who is eight. But as he is growing older, how do I keep my bond with my son intact? Okay, the way you can keep your relationship is stay in tune. Talk to him every day, find out what he's interested in, play the games he likes to play. If there's something in a video game, you may be horrible at it, but just you know, sit with them. Watch him hear his stories. Stay connected. Okay. Let's see, how does the parent with emotional health issues parents are calm manner.

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Okay, parents in a calm manner and not transfer those issues to their child? Well, if you have emotional issues, you definitely have to get that address. You need to make that a priority because it will, it will affect your child, right? You cannot expect to be this emotional mass and then your kids come out with without being affected. So make yourself a priority, address your emotional issues, address your relationship issues.

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And then you'll be able to parent much more effectively. I'm losing my voice.

00:39:54--> 00:39:55

Okay, you have a question. Go ahead.

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minimum. My kids are not that much of like video games. And from the artist stage, I teach them that they do some game like football or any game like any kind of like indoor games from the video games, right? Not the battlefield and all those stuffs are like the violence. Okay. And sometimes, like recently, they get a gift. That's a battlefield. Mm hmm. And my son is sometimes he How old are your kids? He's 15. Oh, so, okay. He's 15. From the beginning, we. So your son is 15 you have avoided any kind of battle games, any kind of violence in the games, and now he got a gift. Yes. How does he feel about the gift? Sometimes he plays? Like, it's fun. Okay, so what's your question? So my

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question is, like, I asked him, I always let them know that I don't like violence, because I don't definitely I don't like violence.

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So

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should I stop him? or How? What will be the correct answer to convey the masses? If you already know that? I don't like it. Sometimes it plays, sometimes he doesn't. He is not that much. Okay. So you're wondering how to deal with it. As far as Oh, my question is, like, I asked him, like, Is it okay to give somebody else? He says, fine. I can give who likes to play?

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So my question is, like, is it a good thing to do? Or your question is how to deal with that. I think things in moderation are fine. I think when it becomes restricted, like I had one of my son's friends, the mom was very adamant about No, like, no gun games. And I mean, who is like that? Okay. I am not advocating it. But I saw that kid who was like, totally restricted coming to our house, and he's just like, he couldn't wait to play it and it becomes, okay, well, that's good. I'm just saying that sometimes when you restrict like that, I think in moderation, if right now he is not overly enthusiastic about it, and he's not. So just, I would say just leave it as is. And yeah, but

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sometimes when we become too adamant about something being mamnoon, like, forbidden, that's what draws them. Okay, anything else? Let's see, we talked about how to show how to encourage them to pray Salah. Like I was saying, just talk about all the amazing blessings they have. And then all we need to do is spend a few minutes to give things and this is kind of like Salah is like our homework, right? You can't keep ignoring your homework, right? My son is 10 and daughter is nine and they get agitated and irritated very quickly. And moan most of the time when they try it when you try to correct their behavior. Well you know, a lot of kids are like that they don't want to be

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correct that I think the important thing is to see how are you correcting it? Right? Because it's not what you say but how you say it, right? I mean, just think about like your spouse

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for a moment.

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And he wants to come and tell you about like the house is not clean. Or the cooking was in good. How do you become

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yeah

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her cars are great. Okay, so it's the way that he could be like, Oh my god, you're always house is always so beautiful. So nice.

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I missed the way you would keep the house I missed the way you made that meal. I really love your cooking versus what is wrong with you lazy you're not doing anything wrong. I'm gone all the unit right? So a lot of times we get defensive when we're being criticized. So you have to think about it as a mom, how are you criticizing How are you correcting them because if you're too harsh, obviously they're gonna get upset. So

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like my son is doing memorizing the Quran, and the recently

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Okay, so your son, the 15 year old has memorized and Garonne and yeah, he's, he did like, two three powers.

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Okay, portion is like, he's telling that ama I cannot memorize like, he's forgetting. Okay, he's asking me like,

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the meaning. Okay, then I can memorize he wants to learn the meaning before? Well, that's that's actually very smart. And I think Mashallah, yes, I mean, good Diana, Diana, him. Let's say listen to one shows or one surah. Listen to the meaning. And then have it memorized. It makes a lot more sense.

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Because you're just parroting, if you don't understand the meaning, then then the effect of the brain is not going to affect your heart the way it's supposed to do. Well, Mashallah, I think I think that your son is smart to recognize that he needs to understand what he's resigned because we have too many people parroting the Koran. But the HELOC is not there. They don't have it's not affecting them because it's just like memorizing song in Chinese. Right? Like they don't know what it means. So

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Diana Yeah, it's excellent. It's excellent. Any form of like, even reading the Tafseer like or reading the translation before, but I think when you go into the tough scene and get a good understanding, it's excellent because then you, you feel it and it affects your heart. I'm going to end up there just like a lot here. inshallah, we'll see you next Tuesday at 1030

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salam alaikum