Parenting Class 2 – Haleh Banani
21st September 2016
Haleh Banani – Parenting Class 2
AI: Summary ©
The speaker discusses the negative impacts of parenting styles on emotions and relationships, including negative emotions and relationships. They emphasize the importance of learning about parenting styles and boundaries to avoid these negative emotions and emphasize the need for parents to model and coach their children in order to overcome their behavior. The speaker also emphasizes the importance of following up on a situation and not giving up, as it is crucial for parents to establish healthy parenting techniques and get engaged by children.
AI: Summary ©
A quick overview of what we covered last week. And then I'm going to cover the next two parents who saw So first of all, we talked about the dismissive parent, which is one who just basically ignores the feelings of the child. And I think we established that almost everyone here in the class today had that dismissive parenting right? Where you are a side issue, not
a salon owner, it was Salatu was Salam ala rasulillah. You, thank you so much.
Salaam Alaikum. Sisters, can you hear me downstairs? We'll never know. Right?
You can't hear they'll eventually come up. Right. Okay. So we talked about the poor parenting styles, the dismissive parents, is the one who basically ignores their kids their feelings. And as you're ignoring them, they start feeling that their feelings are wrong. They don't know how to understand themselves, there's a lot of confusion. And that's what I see when I'm doing therapy with a lot of adults, because they had dismissive parents, then they start feeling like they don't they don't know how to address their emotions, because they were never validated, they were always told that your feelings are wrong, so many come Welcome back. And, and so it's just a matter of telling
the child, your feelings are wrong, and you need to get over it. Okay, that's the dismissive parent. And then we had the disapproving parents, the disapproving parents, we said, is very much like the dismissive parent, where you're told to just, you know, ignore the feelings, but they're more negative. So they are the ones who are criticizing their kids judging them, telling them, it's bad to have feelings. No, this is what you should feel this is not what you should feeling. And then they impose a lot on the children. And you basically have the same results in the sense that the child ends up feeling that their feelings are not valid, they feel inadequate, and this causes a lot
of problems later on in life. So when I get individuals who come in for, let's say, couples therapy, or I have them in dealing with individual issues, you find that many people are struggling, because of the parenting stuff. So now that we know better, we really need to make changes in the way that we do our parenting, the way that we're dealing with our kids. Because something that is really important to keep in mind is that our parents did the very best that they knew how, right? A lot of times in therapy in psychology, we do take it to the root. And we do talk about what the parents did. And it's not a way it's not for blaming them is to just try to understand ourselves better. And
I know that many people may have that technique of just wanting to blame, but it's really about understanding what has happened in order to make changes with yourself within yourself. And then to learn from that and to, to do things better for your kids. And, and when when you realize that your parents did the very best that they did, then it makes you be a lot more sympathetic. Because many people come in, I had one one lady who came into therapy, and she was so angry at her mother, very, very angry, because she felt that she was neglected. She felt that you know, she was not only dismissive. She was disapproving, always judging. And so she had a lot of built up anger. And now,
as the mother has aged, and she has to take care of her mother, their age, she is in turmoil all the time. And so when she came into therapy, what I was trying to help her to realize is that
your mom did her very best that was that was the capacity that she has. And an analogy that I like to use is that if you're starving, okay, let's say you're starving, and there are two individuals, one person has the buffet has food, but they refuse to give it to you versus another person who doesn't have anything. How are you going to feel differently about these two individuals? The one who hasn't and doesn't give it you're going to be quite angry, you're going to be very resentful. Why are you not giving me when I need it so badly. And that's what a lot of people end up.
They start analyzing their their childhood, as parents withheld. What I really needed, they didn't give me the affection. They didn't give me the acceptance but many times the situation is the parent didn't even have it to begin with. If If someone doesn't have the food if they don't have this section, if they never were validated themselves, how could they possibly give it to you? And so how does that change the way you feel about your parent?
If you feel like maybe they didn't have those things that you really needed to give you in the first place, how does that change your attitude towards them?
It changes the whole perspective, right? Because you go from being angry, resentful to what?
sympathetic, right? And especially if you start looking at their parenting styles, I had one young man who came in and like, my, my father beat me every single day, regardless of what I did, like I was just beating, and it was his outlet. You know, it's like getting a punching back, get some Do you have to have an outlet, as a parent, you cannot use your kids as an outlet to take out your anger. A lot of times people do that. And so he said that that was the way he he dealt with me that it was just always out of anger and frustration. And when we started talking about his father and his upbringing, then he realized his father used to do so much force to him. And so it's that cycle
of abuse. And you, you actually do start feeling the sympathy, I saw the change in him where he came in initially, being very frustrated, very confused, like, what did I do. And then when he understood that, this is the only way his father knew how to parent, this was the only thing that he knew that he was able to let go, he was able to forgive. And that sister that came in who was very angry at her mom, it was a very amazing moment we had in therapy, when I gave her those analogies and made her understand that every mother wants to do what's best for their child did never intentionally want to mess up. A lot of people end up messing up their kids, but you never intentionally, right,
if you're being super strict is because you're trying to protect them. If you're trying to,
you know, put certain guidelines, certain rules, if you're doing all these things in your mind, you're thinking this is the absolute best for my kids, you're never anticipated anticipating that they're going to end up being, you know, being confused or being angry or frustrated. So when she realized that there was that moment in therapy, where she said, You know what, I forgive her. And it was so freeing. It freed her from all that anger, all that frustration, and now much less just having this, you know, beautiful relationship. I think that's why it's so important, as we're learning about parenting styles, as we understand, it's like, Oh, we don't want to be like, Oh, it
was all my parents fault. They were like this. It's about understanding it to be like, Okay, well, I see where they were coming from, I see the flaws in that. And now I want to provide something better, because I know, I know how to do this. And I want to bring out a different side. Right? So that's a really important thing to keep in mind. Because I find that many people struggle with that as their parenting, they end up building a lot of resentment for for their parents, like they never did this for me. You see, I'm doing this for you. But my parents never did this for me. How many? How many times? Do y'all say that to your kids?
Oh, I see a lot of guilty smile. Okay, don't need to raise your hand. But it's common, right? Because we're always wanting to do better than what we had. So we talked about the the effects of those two negative parenting styles, dismissive, and also the disapproving. And then there's the laws a fair parent, the law say fair, yes.
Yes, this is the one I'm at right now. laissez faire.
We did, but we just got cut off. So I promised that I would, I would cover it. So it's basically a parent who accepts all kinds of emotional outburst as just being very laid back allowing anything to happen. No set structure, no set rules, no set boundaries. And when the child is having the tantrum when they're having these outbursts, it's very much like just allowing it to happen without any kind of guidance. And what happens is that this child is starts feeling feeling entitled that they feel like they can do it, get away with it. And this is what happens when when you see like when you go to the toy store, and you see the child on the ground kicking screaming and the parents just
basically cave in is that that laws they say pick a parent, and this has a very negative effect on the child because they don't learn to regulate their emotions. And and I think a lot of times, parents fall into this as well, where you may have a lot of let's say strict rules about prayer about eating about sleeping, but when it comes to the emotional aspect you may be last night
Fear and die, right. So you could have that you know, regimented household. But when it comes to emotional, you just said, like, I don't want to deal with this, I'm just just let them that and just get it out of their system. Now, what this does, is that the child never learns how to regulate. And when you don't learn how to regulate, that's when later on in adulthood, you have problems in your relationships. That's where, you know, I had one client who was very, like, successful physician, but because he couldn't control his anger, he kept getting fired from his job. Imagine a very successful, or a very educated surgeon being fired, because he's not able to regulate his emotions,
right? Or you find people who will go from divorce to divorce, like, I had one individual who was divorced three times. Why? Because they didn't know how to control their emotions, whatever they experienced, they have to let it let it out. Because that's how they were raised the child, the child was left to have the outbursts to have the tantrums, and they didn't really ever learn how to do that. So that that can definitely lead
to a lot of problems, the parent does not teach the child how to problem solve, let's say there's a, you have a playgroup, and you have all the all the kids there, your child is not sharing has a tantrum, instead of sitting down with them and explaining what needs to be done. And explaining how, okay, your behavior is going to have consequences. It's just allowing them to do that. Right. And that just carries on into into your marriage, it affects all relationships. So that is that individuals like that they have very difficult time controlling not only their emotions, but also concentrating because they're always wrapped up in their emotions. And you find that sometimes and I
think, as sisters, we have a tendency to fall short in this area, the whole emotion. Do you all agree? Okay, just just amongst us girls here, okay. That that tends to be the biggest issue, right? And a lot of times, you know, we make garden, our prayer, we make our in our head job, we make our, you know, so many of the rituals, but then what happens to guarding our emotional outbursts, right? It's, it's out the window. So when we are trying so hard to to be righteous, when we're trying so hard to have everything, you know, all our ducks lined up, then our emotional ducks, they need to be lined up. So we really need to make an effort to make sure that, that we're following some kind of
having having that emotional control over ourselves, okay? Because, ultimately, we are our kids role models. So many times I have parents that come in, they bring their kids for therapy, and you know, they'll they'll be very upset that their child has an anger issue. He breaks things, yells, he screams, he cuts those. And then, as soon as I asked, I start asking them about how do you handle anger, you find that they're doing exactly the same things that the kids are doing. So they just are emulating their parents. So we have to be really careful. the very things that you dislike in your kids. look very carefully. And honestly, you'll see where it stems from. Right? I remember being at
someone's home, and, you know, she was yelling at the top of her lungs, and her kids saying, stop yelling, right? It was like, very interesting. It's like, or if, or the mom wouldn't, you know, her mouth was like, double chew with your mouth full and our don't talk with your mouth full and doing the exact thing the opposite thing that she wanted from her kids. And so it's very funny, but a lot of times we end up doing that. And we're not conscious of it. And it looks ludicrous. But and that's why the kids don't take it seriously. So we really have to make sure that we're modeling the correct behavior. And then the last parenting style is the emotion coach, right? The emotion emotion coach,
and this is where parents value the negative emotions. They see it as an opportunity to teach their child. Okay, so they're having this tantrum. Maybe they're scared and they're crying. You don't tell them. You're you're being a baby, not criticizing, not making fun, not ignoring, but you validate, you understand you say, Okay, I understand that you're really upset right now. Let's discuss this right? Let's say you just told them that they're not
allowed to play with the PlayStation because they were acting really rudely, either to you or to their sibling. And you explain to them you say, you know your privileges are going to be taken away. But before you say that, you acknowledge the fact I understand that you're really upset right now. I understand that, or the fact that they couldn't go to their friend's party, you could say, I, I know that it's very frustrating when you were planning all week to go to your party. And now you can go, but let me explain to you why. And then when you explain, you're teaching them, you teach them that there are consequences. You teach them that there are consequences to your behavior, because in
life, there are consequences, right? You pass a red light, you're going to get us, you know, you're going to get a ticket, if you don't pay your bills, what's going to happen, you're going to get late fees, you're going to the electricity is going to go up there always there's consequences for your behavior. And if As parents, we don't teach that to our kids, if we let them get away with everything, they have a tantrum, they act rudely to you. They're disrespectful to their, to their teachers, they're disrespectful to you, and you just you just overlook you overlook or you explode, then they're not going to learn how to how to regulate themselves. And so when you sit there and you
how you use this as an opportunity, those tantrums, those outbursts, the crying, you don't just say, Oh my god, they're driving me crazy. They just shut up for you don't think that's yourself. You go and you say, after they calm down a little bit, they say, let's, let's talk about it. Let me let me explain to you why I did what I did. Because the worst thing you can tell a child is listen to me because I'm the parent that you know, don't ask questions. You're being too nosy. Just do as I say. Not as I do, right?
Don't worry about my mama's doing right now. Okay, Mom, I'm allowed to lose my temper. I'm allowed to hit I'm allowed to cuz I am allowed to do all this about you. You need to pull it together. You have a question?
Okay, so you have a child that constantly asks why and doesn't really explain it doesn't accept this?
Are you giving a logical and acceptable answer?
Since by the third side?
How old is your child?
Seven, okay.
There are many kids that are very inquisitive. They're very inquisitive. Actually, this is something that we should Foster. I know that as a parent, it gets tiring. Yes. Like, oh, my god foster the questions. But it really does. It makes a difference when you allow that questioning. Because remember what we talked about a while ago that you don't want to just raise obedient kids? What happens if you have in a meeting kids who never ask question, who just does as they're told?
It sounds pretty good. I know. It's, it sounds pretty good to have that obedient child. It just says Yes, ma'am. And yes, Mama, and they do it and they don't buy, you're not building leaders, right? You want to build your kids to be a leader? You want them to question? Sometimes you have to get them to question, authority or question what someone is telling them because not everyone who's going to tell them what to do is going to be on the right track. Right? And if they're just submissive, and they've been, you know, told to just, you know, obey, be quiet, obey and listen, and don't ask any questions, then if there is like some kind of cold, and they're trying to draw them
in, and then how can a question that doesn't make sense, you know, this, this aqidah that you're, you're telling me, it doesn't make sense that they're just going to go along with it. Right? So the fact that your kids are inquisitive, I think it does take more patience, right as a as a parent, but in the long run, you find that it's beneficial because they gain the strength and even if you look, I mean in, in the Quran, we're always encouraged to ponder, we're always encouraged to have reflection. So that is that we're not told how blind faith don't ask, right? That's what sets us apart. I mean, as, as the Dean of Islam, what's beautiful about it is that you can ask as many
questions as you need to, because there's an answer to it.
Right. Okay, so
and then realizing that these negative emotions are just valuable, valuable tools, this is a time you can teach this is a time, when you can bond with your child, I know that it's, it's, it takes a lot of self control, you have to be in control of yourself and your emotions, you cannot escalate with them. Right? It's, it's, you have to somehow be, you're compassionate without being enmeshed with your child, right? Where you feel for them, but you don't mirror their behavior. There's a lot of times what happens is that the child has a tantrum, and what happens to the Mom, where's the anger level just keeps escalating, right? And she, you know, the child yells with mom yells back,
and it actually becomes kind of like two siblings rather than a mother and a child. Correct? And how should we have this, we need to have it in a way where you're the adult, you're in control, you're calm. And you're teaching, right? That's the whole point of it. And I remember a mother was asking me, she goes, I don't know, I don't know what to do.
My, my daughter was like, maybe eight or nine, there's a power struggle with us, they really shouldn't be a power struggle between someone who is let's say, 30, and an eight year old, right? somehow, somewhere, you have not established that sense of respect, that sense of not just authority, like I'm the boss here. But that sense of really feeling like mom is in control. Mom knows, we have guidelines, and she sticks with it. And all of these things, when you do that your child will will understand, you know, when you have like a really good teacher, and they have it under control. They can be fun. They're pleasant, having Think back to your teacher that you just
you love. How was the class? Did they act out? No, usually that teacher has it together, because not only is she fun and kind, but they're also what rules and guidelines and consequences. And you find that, you know, and then what happens if a substitute teacher comes? Who has no sense of rules, and the kids are there jumping there on the table? Well, paper airplanes are throwing food, right? They're doing all sorts of stuff, because that teacher has not establish their credentials, maybe they haven't shown that they're competent, they haven't earned the respect of the of the kids. So they go crazy. And so a lot of times, unfortunately, parents fall into this. They fall, they are
like that substitute teacher was just kind of fuse, and doesn't know what to do. And the kids take advantage. So having guidelines having set consequence for the behavior, and controlling yourself, because if you're, if if the child is looking at you're like, Oh, my God, mom is just, she's just whacked, right? They're not gonna respect you. Because when you tell them be calm, they're thinking to themselves, right? Why don't you be calm, right? But if you keep your emotions under control, and you show that even though I'm upset, I'm still gonna, you know, I have it together. You're not gonna make me. You're not gonna make me go crazy.
I know, you're tempted to say that to them. But the more you say, You're driving me crazy. Oh, I'm sick and tired of this. I don't know what to do anymore. You are like going down in the respect level. They're not gonna listen. If mom doesn't know what she's doing, then I'm going to set the I'm going to call the shots.
Right? So we Yeah, go ahead.
Absolutely.
trust their emotions, right.
And they can grow their emotions, and you're not going to freak out. Right?
That's a very good point, the idea of feeling safe with your parent to show a negative emotions. You're not going to belittle them. You're not going to judge them. You're not going to ignore them. You're going to say, Tell me your feelings. I hear you. I understand. I may not agree but I'm going to help you through this. And they feel they can feel safe that way.
It's kids like that who gained that confidence because they have someone who they they can go to a lot of the clients that I have, they will say that their parent is the last
Person they'll ever go to.
There's like, I mean, I had people unfortunately, they're texting me and telling me about how they're about to take their life. You know, and, and, and family, there's not that they're alone. Family is right there, but they won't reach out. Because why? Because of this parenting stuff, because they're either gonna be like you're totally or stupid. What are you thinking about? You think you're not kidding, you're super stupid. Instead of saying, You know what? You need help, then you get you the help that you need. Yeah,
absolutely. You're saying that a lot of times, we may not say you're stupid, but this is stupid. And it's so important not to make judgmental calls. Right? If you know your daughter is crying because her American doll toy get broke. And Assad? I mean, what would you do if your car broke down, probably cried too.
If you're stranded, there's no one to help you. And, you know, I mean, obviously, we are we get hurt. And it's just a matter of our values, right? They value the things that they have. And if you value, what they value, they're going to you're going to build rapport with them. They're going to feel like mommy gets it. Mommy understands. When you just tell them that's so stupid grow up, you know, then they're going to feel like I'm criticize. I'm judge next time. Now. Now, this is a broken toy. I'm not going to mob mob can't handle a broken toy. So when it's boy problems, or if someone asked me to do something, if it's being introduced to whatever smoking drugs, I'm definitely not
going to mind. Because if she can't handle toy problems, she's not going to be able to handle that. Right? I remember when I was in high school, I told my mom, I go Mom, I want to be able to tell you, everything, just react in a way that will make me want to continue sharing, you know? And so she would like so anytime I would approach her she would be like, yes,
there was nothing, there's nothing anything major. But I just felt like I wanted to have that close that she was my best friend and have an ally and I and I had that open dialogue with her. But I also knew that if she reacts in a certain way, if she it'll shut me down, and I won't want to share anymore. So I kind of preempted that. And and it made such a difference. And so all the big decisions that I was going through in my life in my teenage years, and in college, I consulted her, because I knew there's no one who loves me as much, you know. And I think if we can make our kids feel that way, then they'll come to you. Because that's that's the natural order of things. Right?
The natural order is that you go to your caretaker, but I've seen individuals, unfortunately, they fall into such into such a mess. You know, sometimes it's they're having these secret relationships, sometimes. I mean, serious, like bad relationships, not just like, Oh, I have a crush on this person. But they are like online. They are doing all sorts of things on click Craigslist, and, and getting into some heavy, heavy duty
problems. They're getting into drugs, and they're just hiding it all from their parents. And sometimes I would have them in my session, and the mom is like, right outside. I'm like, you need to you need to talk to her, you need help. It's like no, no, Mom won't be able to handle this. And it's so sad. It's so sad that they had they put themselves in in a bigger mess. I had one one very, you know, a girl brought up in a very religious household got into a relationship with someone so much older than her. And she was so scared of her parents, that she put herself in the danger of staying with the stranger in his house, rather than going and seeking shelter from her own parents. And
that's sad. That's just simply sad. And it all starts here. You're kind of like you're building that bridge, you're building that trust. And if you don't do your part, if you're not building that trust right now, with these little tiny things that you find so ridiculous and so petty, if you're not building that, then when those big things come, they're definitely not going to turn to you. And that's it's devastating. It's devastating for me when I see that a child is more afraid of their parent than they are like
being in this complete set.
And what's shocking to me is when parents emphasize the sin so much, that if you do this, you're Dan, you're going to *, this bad thing is going to happen. And they never tell them that you can redeem yourself. And I think that also has to do with our parenting style, because we're so into being punitive. It's all about punish, punish, punish, what are they learning in that process? Right? That you're unforgiving, that there's no hold, I'm stuck. There's no point. The only way to get out of this is to just you know, to run away. And you don't want to be drilling that into their head. And sometimes, when we do that, when we emphasize that islamically, then they do end up
running away, unfortunately, right. So as we teach consequences, we also have to give them that opportunity to redeem themselves that you can redeem yourself with a lot. You make a mistake, you make Toba. I mean, I told this girl who had gotten into this relationship, I go, you know, you can, you can fix yourself up, you made a mistake. I understand, you know, you weren't thinking correctly. Now you can get on the right track, just like I can. She's like, I thought I have to marry this guy. Because, you know, I made this mistake, I don't know, doesn't make it right to be with some, you know, a druggie, because you know, your parents didn't teach you that you can get out of the
situation. So for her, it was a newsflash that she can make things right, by doing towba by correcting herself and getting back on the straight path. So we need to make sure that we're not just focusing on being punitive. We need to make sure that when we teach our kids that we are we're teaching them too, to help them to correct themselves. Right. It's all about teaching, it's not about punishment. I think a lot of parents are just like, you know, some of the things that people do, like I, I've heard of
parents getting angry, and if the child acts out, they put them in a closet, turn off the lights. And this just this destroys their sense of safety by or I had another parent telling me the other week that my child was acting out, who's having a tantrum wasn't coming home with me. So I and it was at night, I threatened to leave them in the streets.
Well, what do you accomplish with that? What you accomplish is a child who is extremely insecure, who will feel like he can't count on his parents, and you instill, like so much fear? And then they wonder why he's having anxiety? Why does he have like panic attacks the middle of the night, when you hear that your mom and dad are gonna leave you in the middle of the streets. That's what causes all these anxiety, right? So I remember,
once I was, I was like, in a class and one, one day this child was acting out, and she goes, tell my child, that the police is going to come and get him.
I will never do that. How could you? How could you instill that kind of fear. And you know, and you're lying, as well, on top of that, you're lying, because it's not going to happen. So I think we really need to be careful with how we use this whole, like,
fear tactics, using religion as a way to control reusing the fear to help them to like, get in line, be submissive and be obedia, we really have to use this form of like being an emotion coach, where we are, we are attentive to our kids, we're listening to them. We're helping them manage we're setting boundaries, we are coaching them along the way, these kinds of individuals, they get into a marriage, and they know exactly how to diffuse the anger. They know how to manage themselves, if they're in the work environment, and someone is pressing their buttons, and they're frustrated. They know how to, you know, calm things down. So I think it's so important that, you know, when, when we
need it, what I want to say is that there's always this, I always want to instill hope. Right? Right now, some of you're feeling I think, a little bit down because you may have used these approaches. And it's, I don't blame you because, you know, a lot of times we imitate our parents parents did this, and we do. And I had a client. Just a few days ago, there was like, I've become my mother. Exactly like my mother. And she wasn't so happy with the way her mom did things. So it's very natural, right? If we're not thinking about it, if we're not planning, we are going to just imitate, right. That's why if we have the right behavior, then the easiest way that the kids are going to
learn and implement is by
imitated. So if you have the right behavior, there's that right because they're just gonna do with mom did and she had it together inshallah. But if you if you feel guilty if you feel like you haven't been doing these things or you, you lost your temper and you threaten the kids or you did all that, don't be so hard on yourself, okay? It's It's not too late to make the changes from now on. You just you make Toba, you ask Allah for forgiveness, you ask your kids for forgiveness, that's really important, you know, something like that, you know, apologize to my kids, I remember, this is something that my mom would do. And you know, I was just, you know, five or six. And my mom would
come and say, you know, I overreacted. I'm really sorry. And that meant so much to me, I felt so respected. Right. And when you make your child feel respected, then then they're going to be respectful. Right? So a lot of times parents focus on respect me, I'm the parent, you know, they're not, they're not being like, they're not worthy of respect, because of the way they're behaving. But if you're respectful, and you respect your kids, then that's going to just kind of they're gonna mirror that. Okay? And, and the effects of having this emotion coach parenting is that the kid they're going to trust their emotions, they're going to know how to regulate, then they're going to
know how to regulate, they're going to know how to solve their own problems, and they're set, right? Because no matter of degrees, no amount of status is going to give you the satisfaction that you feel when you know how to have a good relationship. Because I've seen it. I've seen people who are multimillionaires, they have it all. They have, I had one one boy flown in from siding with with his bodyguards, and he was there for a week. Father was a billionaire, forget millionaire, right.
And none of them had good relationships. He the boy said, I wish we didn't have all this money. I wish we didn't have it, because it was such a source of it was like a curse. Right? So all of that, but not knowing not knowing how to have a good relationship with the Father, not having that loving relationship. It was it was worthless, right? So you're able to instill in your kids, if you make the change, just make a commitment from today, I make a commitment that you're going to change, you're going to alter the way that you've been doing things. If you've just imitated your parents, and they didn't have the best techniques, you're going to make changes. And you make Toba to allow
for maybe some of the oppression that you put your kids through you make you apologize to your kids for being unreasonable. And that will be like that will be the biggest lesson for them. That Wow, you can admit that you're wrong. You can apologize, you can change yourself. So it's all all good things can come out of that. Okay. So.
Okay, the sister is saying I know everything you're saying is really, really good. But when can we
have to have?
Okay,
I'm guessing that you're probably like in the kitchen. He's in this room and you're yelling, right? not effective. I know. I've tried it.
They don't move, right. I'm calming. Fiber bit is two more minutes left on the game. I'll be right there. Right. But
what color call that calls because that is serious. Because there are consequences with that. Right? Don't mess with that. So what you need to do when I found this very effective, because I do that from time to time, I'm busy and I'm just I'm trying to call them not working.
They don't get it. But if you walk up
and you stand there and go, I need you to get off. Two minutes. Okay, you're standing there. Two minutes. It's up. Let's go. And you escort them. Okay, it's over. One time. No yelling. It's effective. Right? Yeah. Last night my daughter was on on the computer. Okay, mom, two more minutes, two minutes, five, five or minutes. And then so I just finished good. Okay, at 838 30 is just it's gonna we're gonna finish right? And I come a 30 Okay, it's a 30. Now, because a lot of times we don't follow up. We don't follow through. We get lazy we get busy. We don't follow through. So the kids they know it. They take advantage.
You get on the phone. I told you to come down. Dinner's ready. Oh, yeah. Tell me more what else happened? What you do on your vacation? No way, you know, you're just going on and on. And it's like an hour later, I told you to come down right an hour ago. But if you take action right there, and then then you hold them accountable for, for what you've asked them to do. So very quickly, let's go through or you have a question. Sure. One thing that I'm struggling with my four year old,
walk there, we have to walk back. On the way back, of course, he's standing there in the middle of the trail throwing a fit. And I'm like, Look, keep walking, you know, you'll figure it out and come get us and my husband, he's like, you know, come on.
Come on, just keep going. Okay, so you have a four year old who goes on his bike hikes or walking, and then a trail, and then he gets tired on the way back and gets has a tantrum. Right. Okay, the best thing to do with that is like, maybe if you have I don't know, like one of these little wagons, me, he just, you know, he can't go as far as you can, right? And so instead of avoiding that, let's say, okay, you walk along the way and on the way back up, you know, you pull him on something or you have a bike or you have a scooter. He's on a bike.
Great.
Okay, shorten the distance. You mean, you and your husband go on that long trail, that beautiful walk alone?
Right, you have to see that when when your kids are having tantrums, you have to kind of see what is it that they're getting out of it. And you have to analyze sometimes we're reinforcing that maybe they want attention, maybe you're like so into your hubby in the walk that he's like wanting some attention. So try to get him engaged during the walk and and just gauge gauge with him and say, Look, we've gotten this far, why he didn't make it back. I remember my daughter sometimes would have a hard time like with the walking trail. But we want to make it back and you still are smiling. Because after that we're going to have like, I don't know, we're gonna do a treat or something's
make him look forward to something about going back without the tantrum. Because that's just become his cycle.
Yeah, he has to pace himself.
Right.
Yeah, it's hard. I mean, it's, it's hard when the kids are that little, they have all this energy to serve. It's good that you're going, but just tell him that, you know, if you go and we come back without, without any drama, prep him without any trauma without any tantrums, you come back, then like we're going to do something together an activity that he looks forward to that way there is a there is something to look forward to. And he has a reason to be good. Because he's just gotten into the cycle. Hey, this is about time for my tantrum, right?
Yeah.
All right.
Yeah, you don't want to, you don't want to mess up that experience. Because I think an outing is excellent. You just have to, you have to prep them, right. And a lot of times when you prep your kids as far as how to behave and how to react, you just you you keep programming them. But when you don't say anything, and you just get angry at the negative results, then that's not effective.
Something my four year old here,
but I have noticed that he wants to be in charge of deciding, you know, so I just gave him one. I mean, when everybody's going back, he wants to go back. Go back again. Not towards house towards riding. I just gave Okay, you want one more? Right? Go ahead.
Right, you just have to gauge your kids. You have to gauge them, and you have to give them that feeling of you know, independence. Yeah. Well, thank you everyone for tuning in. I'm going to have to make it for my next session. So I love it. Last question. Okay.
How old is your son?
He's 10. And when you have an argument, what happens?
You will just say the wrong thing.
That's the wrong thing. Like they'll just go along with it. And I'm just
because I know
You know why they do that? They you're saying that your son he knows what's the correct behavior but in front of his friends or others, he says the wrong thing because mom's not going to react. Right? Oh, you do react?
Right?
I think it's best to okay. I think it's best to take him aside, not in front of his friends. Don't belittle him Don't yell. Don't do any of that. Take him aside and say, you know, I know what you're doing. I understand you know what the correct behavior is and just you know, kind of
talk to him one on one because if you be little that's the worst thing you could do is belittle him in front of his friend. Okay, so just like a lock in so let's see you next week. So Monday.
We needed for an hour. I didn't know the schedule that had to be filled on site.