Haleh Banani – Keys To Improve Your Marriage – 10 – Express Your Needs

			How to express your needs to your spouse, many times people feel unfulfilled in a marriage, they
feel that their needs are not met. And this creates a lot of frustration. And as time goes on,
		

			they feel detached and neglected. And so it's very important to find out exactly what are the needs,
that your spouse has. And this can be different for, for each person, I think the mistake that we
make a lot of times in relationship is giving what we want. And it's, you know, that doesn't, it
doesn't work that way, and you're not going to fulfill a person, because they've been brought up in
a whole different household, they have different rules of expectations. And so it's really important
to find out, what is it that they need, and once you know it, then to try to apply it. Now, as far
as sharing those needs, it needs to be done in a very non threatening way. It can't, you can't
		

			demand that you can't say these are my rights, and I expect it and I want it. So it needs to be done
in a very in a very gentle way. It's about sharing, it's about talking about how a person can bring
out the best in you, whether it's how to motivate you what to do, when you're sad, what to do when
you're angry. I remember, before I got married, I told my spouse that if we get into an argument,
and I say that I don't want to talk about it, I really do want to talk about it, but you just have
to ask a little more consistently, you know, be more persistent and try a little bit harder. And
that was the, you know, one of the things I told him that I need, and it really, it really helped.
		

			Now, if I hadn't told him that and we got into a disagreement, and I said, I don't want to talk
about it, and he would give me space, because that's what a man usually wants you on space doesn't
want to talk about it, then I would have felt that, oh, he doesn't care. And look, and it just, you
know, like reaffirms that safe feelings that you that I could have. And so this is really important.
don't express your needs, by comparing your spouse to someone else. That is like the worst thing you
could do. And a lot of men fall into this, thinking that they can motivate their spouse maybe to
lose some weight and say, Oh, look, so and so is is so fit and so thin. Wouldn't it be great if you
		

			two could be like this. And this just First of all, it destroys the relationship that woman has with
the with the other woman that it destroys that relationship, then the wife will start feeling very
inadequate, and nothing good comes out of it. There's a lot of jealousy and inadequacy. So don't
ever use another person's like, Oh, look, look how active they are, look how pious they are. And
they've taught this to their kids. And this really creates a lot of tension. So try to give the
suggestions or talk about what makes you feel happy without using anyone else as as a comparison or
as a yardstick and share your feelings with compassion. If you share what's in your heart and you're
		

			compassionate, you're not arrogant, you're not demanding, you're not harsh, then that message will
be received very well. I see that with a lot of clients I've worked with that. If they learn to
communicate their needs and their needs are being fulfilled, then their marriage just improves
drastically. I think one of the number one complaints that people have is that their needs are not
being fulfilled, whether it's physically emotionally, spiritually. So when you tell your spouse what
it is, that will make you feel happy, that will make you feel fulfilled, then they have a winning
chance at
		

			at fulfilling