Haleh Banani – How Bad Communication Can Ruin Good Marriages

			Salaam Alaikum and welcome to Marriage mending Mondays, bearish finding mending Mondays, the tongue
twister, and it is going to share some insight into how to improve your marriage. Bad communication
can ruin your marriages, if you have a bad communication, you can take a perfectly good marriage and
then ruin it. So how can we try our best to avoid this, I'm going to share with you three tips,
three tips on how you can make sure that you don't fall into this, you don't ruin a good marriage.
And sometimes right now in the middle of a pandemic, all relationships are under stress. And I talk
to people on a daily basis, people that I'm working with couples that are struggling, especially now
		

			and even marriages that were going perfectly what perfectly well, they are now under a lot of stress
because of the lockdown. And so we need to make sure that we approach this in the right way. Now,
what usually happens is when a spouse is upset about something, they want to approach it and the
mindset is, I'm right, you're wrong, I'm here to change you. Okay? And what is this lead to, it
leads to a lot of defensiveness, it leads to a person feeling attacked, feeling like they're not
good enough, they feel inadequate. And so all the defenses come up, there's no readiness for
understanding. So how do you avoid this, the way to avoid it is to come in first seek to understand
		

			then be understood, this is a very huge paradigm shift. Because if you come in, and let's say it's a
topic that you've been arguing about, with your spouse for a while now, whether it's where you're
gonna live, what about the schooling of the kids, it may be about the in laws, it could be about a
number of things, and you come in, and you ask your spouse, you say,
		

			I want to understand where you're coming from, please help me to see your perspective. How would
that person feel? How's your spouse? First of all, they're going to be like, What? What happened to
my spouse? What did you do to them? Right? They would think it's a case of the Body Snatchers, what
what is this about you coming in, and you really just want to hear my perspective, you're not here
to like, let's say change my perspective, or force your way. So first of all, they're going to put
their guards down because they're not going to feel attack, then you are telling them that I value
you. I respect your opinion, you matter. And your perspective is very important. So try this the
		

			next time that you go in, if you haven't been agreeing, I'm sure that there are lots of topics
between husbands and wives that come up, I see this every day when I'm doing the working with the
couples and doing marriage coaching, I find that they come to a standstill, or they fight constantly
over a topic that they disagree about. And by restating their position over and over again, and no
one really listening, right? No, the problem is not resolved until someone starts listening. So
first, go in with that mindset, that you want to understand them, okay, and really put down your
preconceived notions, your judgment, you know, that, that being non judgmental, is a crucial part of
		

			effective communication. You know, if I come in, and I have this idea, and I think I'm better or I'm
smarter, or I know something, and you need to give up your way, you're not going to be very
receptive to that, right. So we need to make sure that we come in with the right mindset, that we
aren't non judgmental, and we try to hear the other person's perspective, as bizarre as it may
appear to us. Okay.
		

			All right, sister, sadya, welcome, all of you are joining it. But if you don't argue and even when
you seek to understand and spouse just imposes his perspective and ask you to trust and that's that
we should, we should leave it to Allah. Well, I'm not telling you to surrender. I'm not telling you
to just be a submissive spouse. That's not my perspective. That's not what I stand for. It's about
expressing yourself but doing it in a diplomatic way. Right. So it's about sharing and first hearing
the other person's perspective. When you hear their perspective, then you are able to, first of all,
one of the things that one of my clients stated is that
		

			They would feel as they would feel that they are this armed, right? They're no longer like, you
know, ready to duke it out and ready to be defensive, they want to just put down their guards and
actually talk, you can have a nice communication. And when you do that, then the other person's
going to be much more responsive. And you need to listen to understand not to respond. How many
times are you listening, listening just to know, okay, I know, I know how to rebuttal this, I know
how to get back at what they're saying, I have this, this, this and this to kind of back me up. And
I'm going to get them for these things that they're saying. We're listening for a different
		

			motivation, right? We know that in MLM Albania, if your intention is to rebuttal, if your intention
is to cut the other person down, then you know, we're not handling things in the best manner in a
way that would be pleasing to Allah. So if we make our intention, I'm going to listen to really
understand that's the whole objective of listening, right? I know that not many people have
practiced it. But it is key. And you know, when I was doing my Master's in clinical psychology, and
a whole semester long, on how to listen effectively, and honestly, I think every person should be
required to take this course. Right, knowing how to make a person feel hurt, is so important,
		

			because one of the biggest complaints I get from couples is that my spouse doesn't hear me they
don't listen to me, they may be listening, they may be hearing, but they're not really listening,
right. So try your best that the next time you approach a discussion, you listen to understand,
you're listening to make a connection, to make amends. You're not just listening to, you know, to
fight back, right. And once you change your perspective, your intention, right, the intention is I
want to create bridges of understanding, I want to hear my spouse and understand my, I want to
understand my spouse, right? So the sister nursing, what is the name of the course? Well, I actually
		

			teach all of this in my marriage program, the five pillars of marriage, the course I took it was you
need to be a master's in clinical psychology. So I don't think it's just offered for non degree
majors. But it is I teach all of the skills that I learned. And I've been applying since 1998, to
couples worldwide, to know how to get their point across to their spouse and actually to anyone,
right, so I'm talking about marriage, and I'm talking about how to improve your relationship. But
you can apply this to anyone and one of the things that I hear most when when people go through my
marriage program is that oh my gosh, all my marriage, all my relationships improve, because we
		

			communicate with all our with everybody, whether it's our children, whether it's our in laws,
whether it's at work. So when you learn correct skills, effective ways of communication, then all
your relationships improve. And so when you listen to understand, it totally changes your mindset,
it puts their guards down, and you are not attacking. So I know that it's tempting. I know that how
many people fall into this trap of seeing something wrong, and they just want to, they just want to
attack the person. It's like you're always doing this and you're never doing this. So really
refrained from doing that. Go in with the willingness to understand their perspective. Put your
		

			judgments aside, have an open mind, have an open heart, listen, to understand and not to respond,
right and just see how effective the communication will occur when you do this on a regular basis.
Okay, and in the following lessons every Monday I'm going to do this in sha Allah because I know
that so many marriages are under attack, so many people are considering divorce and I don't want
that to happen, you know, whatever. Whatever you do, right? At this time that there is crisis,
you're under a lot of stress, there might be financial stress there is you know, health issues going
on. It is not a time to make a rash decision. So as as set up as you are, I encourage you to you
		

			know, take one last step, try to try to improve it before you end it. Okay, and inshallah step by
step as you learn the marriage skills as you apply these things within yourself. You're going to see
an improvement in your relationship inshallah. So thank you so much for tuning in.
		

			And, and and inshallah I will see you I'm going to be doing these at 1230 in sha Allah. Tomorrow is
going to be transformational Tuesday I'm going to talk to you about how to transform yourself how to
be a better version of yourself. So inshallah you tune in and I hope that all of us can become
better and stronger even during a crisis just like a lockdown and for tuning in salaam aleikum